Eduard had to work at the film house last night and at first I thought I would go with him, because I thought the other woman would show up there and try and work her magic on him there, as she has been known to do in the past, and I wanted to be there to prevent her from doing it, but at the last minute I thought I was being ridiculous and realized that I could not forever be Eduard’s guardian and accompany him to the film house forever to watch over him, and that I would just have to trust him to take care of whatever situation arose, and that he would do that in a sensible and appropriate way and that I would have to trust him with that.
So, at the last minute, I said to him how ridiculous I was being and quickly changed from my clothes into my pajamas and bathrobe, so I would not be tempted to go anyway, and then I went to bed early, after taking my medicines consisting also of extra tranquilizers to take the terrible edge off that I felt, which was a sheer case of nerves running through my body, and luckily, I fell asleep very quickly, thanks to the sleep medication, and I didn’t lay awake worrying about what was happening without me being present and keeping an eye on things.
You must realize that sometimes I am a sheer bundle of nerves. Not constantly, but every once in a while the horror of the situation hits me and I am like a too tightly wound up musical toy and all my mechanical works are about to explode out of me. That’s when I drink the white wine, because it does relax me so very much, but yesterday I started drinking wine in the morning and I don’t think that’s the way I am supposed to be dealing with this. I hold my alcohol really well, but I think I drink to feel numb and not care so much and I suppose that is not quite the way to deal with my pent up feelings. I also don’t get a lot of housework done as a result of it.
I have to come to the realization which things I can control and which things I can’t, within reason, and not become a paranoid schizoid woman who goes around checking things for their truth value and their probability factor. I can only have so much influence on what happens and on what Eduard does and doesn’t do. I can not be his jailer, but I think I have said that before.
But let me tell you something people, I do get very scared and right now I think life is very precarious.
Anyway, so there I was sitting yesterday at the dining table with my glass of wine, listening to Arrow Jazz FM, smoking a cigarette, drinking wine, doing chores in between glasses of wine and cigarettes, and feeling mighty mellow, and I thought that this was the life and that I ought to always feel this way and why didn’t they develop a pill to make you so.
Of course, looking back now I can see why they don’t, because you are not truly functioning on all four cylinders. You just think you are doing truly great and the world is such a mellow place and so are you and all is well with it. You’ve got a certain amount of bravour, and your Dutch courage, and you feel that you can take on anything. Your mind is suddenly so amazingly clearheaded, you think, and you see things for what they are and there is no bullshit.
And then, suddenly, you realize that you are a bit inebriated and that you have to stop drinking and start drinking several cups of very strong Senseo to clear up your head and to get a grip on reality again, and then you think that that sobering process is very enlightening too and that you can learn a lot from it, because it happens very quickly, and in no time at all you can see the forest for the trees again and see the details of your life and understand the things you were trying to ignore. So suddenly you’ve got your life back again, holding it in both your hands and handling it with care and solicitude, as if it were a crystal ball that could easily shatter if you dropped it.
Now, to get you out of this frame of mind in into a totally different one for the next bit of the rest of this post, go to this damn good bit of music by this damn good singing woman.
Yesterday I got an award from Mean Moody Middle Aged Mom and as usual, it is my duty now to pass the award on to some other lucky people. It always is a bit of a chore to do this, because you have to go see who hasn’t received it yet and then try and make a fair pick out of your list of bloggers and you know how I always hate to do that! Anyway, here is the award:
I am choosing the recipients keeping in mind that the people who received this award yesterday will also be handing it out and that most everybody will end up getting it, I hope, and if not in this round then in the next one. You see how I try to keep it fair! Okay, the Good Chat Blog Award goes to:
I have felt free enough to steal this award from San Meredith from Life with a View as I thought it might take a long time before this award would turn up in our regions, so I kidnapped it and I am setting it free in our corner of the blog world. It is a good looking award and I just can’t pass it up. I don’t think I am following the proper protocol here, but I am one for bending the rules.
I want to hand out this award to the following people and I would like it if one of you would be so kind as to hand it back to me, because I have not been awarded it myself (snigger)!
is time to go to the chapel again. I must tell my sister to go out and get herself a new bicycle soon, so I can retrieve my own.
Well, with these small wishes I will end this well written epistle that came straight from my heart to yours. Tongue in cheek, I said this. Today is tedious Tuesday. It is the day that has no purpose except to tie Monday and Wednesday together. It is totally tiresome and nothing more.
In spite of that, I wish you all a good day and I hope you slay many dragons and other green eyed monsters and rescue many damsels in distress and knights in rusty armor as well, with or without their trusty steed.
Ciao…
My dear Irene,
It sounds like wise decisions are being made, sans the alcohol.
..however wine and morning should never appear in the same sentence. There will be no wine before it’s time!
Thinking of you and hoping your day built on trust can be the foundation for an even better tomorrow.
Hugs and good wishes,
Andrea
Hi Irene,
Thanks for the award! I’ll pass it back as soon as I get done here and go over to my blog.
I love the way you write about yourself and your thinking process, I can so relate to it, the layers and machinations of your mind.
Say, I noticed on your profile that you were in nonprofits, hah, so was I for many years! Small world, once again.
Have a glorious Tuesday.
With love,
Connie
Thank you so much for the award Irene…and of course you should own it yourself, so I hereby offer it to you becuae I am very grateful for all of your inspiring thoughts and words.
I have fallen victim to the clutches of alcohol on many occasions. It’s like being wrapped up in a big fluffy blanket where you can’t be hurt. But later, when reality hits and the alcohol has worn off, you still have the same problems and feelings … and with a hangover, too.
I think you are being so strong about all of this. My first marriage ended because of an affair – I know how painful and confusing it is. Sending you my love. x
Sweet Irene, I can relate to many things in your posting this morning!
However, drink in moderation as it really can sometimes in a downwood spiral, as it will ultimately have a depressant effect.
Thanks for the award!
Hi Irene …….. No, wine & morning should NEVER go together! Wine has a depressing effect after the Dutch courage has worn off. Then you have to drink more to over come it & the slippery slope begins. What you are going through is a perfectly normal response to a frightening situation, I should think!
Freezing cold again……. Try & get some enjoyment (other than wine!) out of this day x
By the way, I notice there was a big demo in London against the Chinese olympics. I thought about your comments when I saw the pictures (no-one round here has opinion clearly for or against round here, good job I ‘know’ informed and thoughtful people like yourself online lol
I’m glad you ended up not going with Eduard. It was the right decision, as you’ve found out yourself. And as for the wine, well, we all need to mellow a bit sometimes. But don’t overdo it. I have found a state where I can get into this mood without any little helpers. I only need sunshine coming through my kitchen window. Then I sit down, look at the orange and yellow colours of my little curtains and the sun spots on the floor. And, voila, I can sit there for ages without doing anything, just thinking and staring at the sun. Sometimes I think I’m really a cat in a human body.
Oh, and thanks so much for the award. I will put it up at my place later on.
First of all well done on receiving the award yourself – you really deserve it. Your blog is inspirational, fascinating and shows people a different perspective on true life. And secondly thank you so much for honouring me with same award.
You don’t need me to tell you that drinking in the morning is very bad for you – you already know that yourself. You are a wonderful person Irene. You are interesting, creative, loving, caring and a very good friend. All you need to make you realise it is yourself.
Take care my friend,
Crystal xx
Ditto all the other comments.
And thanks for the award, kind of you to think of us.
You are right, no point following him around. He will either behave or not – and it is sometimes better to let things happen and then make your mind up based on reality. You have your own life to live – you can’t be a nanny to your spouse.
Thank you for the award. I come by to read your post and am comforted that you are handling this trying time well. Drinking wine is best done when in a positive mood. I tend to be an escapist and drinking or eating to compensate has never served me well. I thank you for all your most kind comments. Consider the above advise to myself. I cannot walk in your shoes because – well It would hurt and I might fall.
My best, sweetie – Dutch courage and. Dutch kindness.
Thank you so much Irene! I will post it on my sidebar with pride!!
I confess that I use to put vodka in my morning coffee..black coffee and vodka…just so I could face the day..and that was back before the breakdown -way back – in my waitressing days….
I know the need to fortify oneself against the world – but now – all these years later I can’t believe I ever did that! I always think – what was I thinking? or more likely – what was I not thinking?
Still – I needed help – and that is where I found it.
Go gently sweet lady.
So glad to see you aren’t falling for the easy and destructive paths to overcoming your situation; ie. wine and severe mistrust. It’s good you are keeping a level head and taking this one day at a time. I hope you have a good hump day after your Tedious Tuesday!
Irene, thank you so much for the award. It’s lovely. I will place it on a little shelf in my PC till I get my new awards page sorted.
I think it’s all been said in the comments, but yay on the decision to not go with Eduard, and you’re right about the wine, it’s not good to have it in the am, even though it is oh so yummy. Hugs. You made Tuesday less tedious.
Hi Irene, thanks for leaving a comment on my debut post!
I have always had a tendency to open too many bottles of wine but luckily for me it doesn’t taste right until it’s time to drink so daytime is out. Coffee is my main addiction these days.
Take care
Sweet, tough Irene,
Thank you for my award. It is just what I needed on this Tueday. I appreciate the award, but mostly I appreciate you.
I agree with your conclusions about alcohol. I remember too well the wonderful way it use to make me feel and wish I could feel that way all the time, until it started to wear off. Then I remembered why my parents were alcoholics and why it was a good idea I don’t go down that road. Luckily, with my medications, I don’t have that choice.
Speaking of choices, good choice not to go with Eduard. Although, I certainly understand the temptation…in the past I would have gone and drove myself crazy. I am so glad I am not that person anymore and see the importance of self respect and TRUST in a relationship. I use to think I could control him instead of trusting him. Too much wasted, negative energy. Too much of myself drained. You must have trust. You must believe that he would be a complete idiot to loose someone as special and amazing as you.
Love you.
XOXOX
Irene – sounds like you are getting things into perspective and getting some control on what you CAN control – which is you and your behaviour (barring illness of course) and your reactions. I am feeling quite de-stressed about you at the moment because whilst there is so far you to go with Eduard, you have come so far too. I have been worried about you. You really have handled everything so well and done all the “right” things.
I got that award from a couple of folks via San and I will be handing out this week so watch this space! It would have made it’s way to this corner of the world anyway – I just didn’t have time to post up award giving yet.
Take care. Thanks for visiting mine. Stay strong.