Just a second!

Sunday morning. I tried to go back to bed this morning after I wrote the first post and I tried to get comfortable, but it was all just a battle for naught. My back hurt so much, that I would just drowse off for a little while and then wake up again from the pain and moan while I tried to get more comfortable. Eduard probably thought I was putting on quite a show, but it was just awful and I don’t know what to do, but sit in this office chair with a pillow in my backand type. I am really in agony unless I sit perfectly upright in this chair and barely move a muscle. I really should not type, but that is too boring and Eduard is still “sleeping”, so I can’t be looking for music now. Bah humbug! Here is a picture of Gandhi:

She looks a little mean in that one doesn’t she? Like she is saying, “If you do that one more time, I’ll scratch your eyes out.” She isn’t a mean cat at all, as a matter of fact, she is just a plain old sweetheart.

In the meantime, I have been doing something totally different. I accidentally ran into some very good Baroque music and made a 4 page playlist of that and now I am listening to it, which is rather pleasant and quite a change from all that other stuff I have been listening to. It is good for an orderly mind, it’s very mathematical. Very precise and aligned and squared off and measured. It’s good for the architect that hides in me and the little civil servant. You can picture that, can’t you? We have to keep an eye on that woman and see what she is up to. Can’t just having her roaming around without having a straight jacket handy. She may be the sort of person who is going to hamper all of Nora’s good efforts. Can’t have that.

Well, I may write some more later, we’ll see.

Monday morning in the wee hours. Eduard got up yesterday morning and did some housework for me and walked Jesker and then there was really not much for us to do, but sit and stare at each other without having much to discuss, because we have discussed everything we can up to now, so I suggested that he have another afternoon off and he did. He left on his bicycle with a bottle of water and his digital camera and his wallet and was gone for three hours, which was nice, because it gave me some breathing space in which I could just do what I wanted to do. I listened to music and started a new blog in Dutch.

Yes, I have never written in Dutch and I don’t know how well I am going to manage, because i also never read any Dutch blogs and I am going to have to find those, but I am going to give it a try. It will not be as comprehensive as this one, more short and to the point and a bit more business like. I don’t do emotions well in Dutch and it is not as much appreciated. The Dutch don’t like a lot of drama. They like self criticism, so the style of the blog will be a lot different.

When Eduard came back from his bike ride, we did briefly discuss getting paperwork organized for the mediator and the few pieces of furniture and household goods he is going to take with him when he moves out. It doesn’t amount to much. Just some odds and ends to get him started. He is going to get a lot of things at the goodwill store. Luckily, Eduard is one of those people who cares very little about how well decorated his place is and he doesn’t mind if nothing matches and is a bit old and worn. In this case, I do appreciate that. He doesn’t need to go to Ikea.

I really and truly appreciate the fact that I can own up to not being in love with my husband anymore, when before I thought that I very much was and that I would die without him. I believed in the love story of our marriage and I believed in the holiness of our love. I believed that together we were one and that we could not be separated, that one would be incomplete without the other.

Suddenly a switch got turned in my brain and I stopped believing all those things in an instant and I saw my husband for who he was, just an ordinary human being with all his faults and weaknesses, who also happened to have hurt me very much. I saw that my marriage was in very many ways dysfunctional and suffocating and that what I thought was love, was maybe really an extreme form of dependency. I saw that it was unhealthy for the both of us.

Seeing this so clearly, made me very determined to call a halt to it immediately, because I will not stay in a dysfunctional relationship, as I have been in two of those already and I know what harm they can do to your mental health. In this case the damage was incipient, because Eduard had been a benign partner and his actions had always been based on kindness, which made them nonetheless unhealthy. They allowed me to become very needy and dependent and dysfunctional and took away my believe in myself as an independently functioning human being. At the same time, it gave him an exaggerated sense of responsibility for me and made him believe that he was fully accountable for the wellbeing of us both 24 hours a day.

So, it is a good thing that we go our own way now. We need to let go of each other in order to survive and be the free people we are meant to be. Unfortunately, Eduard did not have a way to tell me this. He could only act it out by having an affair.

I won’t forgive him for the way he handled that. The way he went about lying about it and carrying on behind my back and making excuses and being a damn cheater. But I am divorcing him and I never have to worry about that anymore. The next woman will have to. What a relief.

My back is still not better, actually, i should say my side, because that where the pain radiates to. If I didn’t know better, I would think that there is something wrong with one of my kidneys. If things don’t get better by the end of this week, I will go back to the doctor. I think I need to be closely examined.

Well, you good people, I suppose I will go and try and write something in Dutch now. It is more like a homework assignment than a pure writing pleasure, but I do need the practice. I am not feeling the least bit artistic, so I am not posting any bits of art just now. Maybe someday soon again.

Have a great Monday. It’s the ultimate dragon slaying day, after all.

Ciao…