Bless me!

Well, bless my little heart! I have been sitting here all afternoon trying to figure out a problem I had with my Dutch blog which did not recognize me as its administrator and so refused to perform all sorts of functions I asked it to. It basically just ignored me and even with the help of the support desk, I couldn’t get the problem fixed, so I finally said, the hell with it and set up a completely new blog in the same style as this one, but with a slighlty different header, though in the same theme. The other blog had two posts on it and it was no great loss and I did not copy them for the newer blog, but just started over again. Maggie May would like it and I will include the link to it here: http://noortje2at.wordpress.com/

I am sitting here yawning something awful, but that is because I have not had a nap at all today and I think I may go to bed on time. I don’t know why I have to do this battle with sleep each night, about when I go to sleep and when I wake up and if I am indeed done sleeping then. I would very much like to sleep just like a regular person from 10 to 7 or something like that. I am sure it would be good for my mental health.

My husband is working late again tonight and won’t be home until after midnight. The problem is that he comes in through the back door and it is in the bedroom,and it sometimes wakes me up, because the door jams.

It is raining and thundering and lightening outside and every time time it thunders, Jesker barks purely out of reflex. The poor dog doesn’t know what is happening except that it sounds very close by, just about on top of us.

Well, I am just about done with my last cigarette, so I must go and make more. I will add to this post in the morning, in the wee hours no doubt. See you then.

Tuesday in the wee hours. I woke up because somebody was very foolishly removing my reading glasses from my hand, when he should have just left them there, because everything wakes me up and it p*sses me off. Why not just let me be and let me sleep in whatever fashion I am sleeping, at least I am sleeping? Even if it means I have my reading glasses clenched in my hand and my book laying on my chest. I hate this nurturing bit that is totally unnecessary and only wakes me up and makes me stay up. Aaarrrggghhh! That was a primal scream in case you were wondering. I am sure I have many more of those in me.

Okay, deep breath and another one.

I just had some nonfat strawberry yogurt and I feel a lot better now. It’s given me energy and food for the brain and now I will have a nice mug of mocha coffee and a cigarette. You see, I know how to treat myself well and I know what I need in the middle of the night. I need to nurture myself through the small hours of it and not be miserly with what I need. So, a tall glass of yogurt and a big mug of coffee. Big, I like everything big. That’s why I like cappuccinos so much. They come in big cups.

Jeez, I can’t seem to find my sense of humor anywhere. I seem to have misplaced it. It’s not anywhere close by where I can see it. I don’t see its laughter jumping up and down the desk. I don’t feel it tickling my bare knees. I think I’ll go lie down for a bit. maybe it will come back to me then…

…of course I didn’t go lie down on the sofa. I went looking for a deleted post of the Dutch blog instead, but I couldn’t find it anywhere. It is well and truly gone and I don’t remember the title of it. I deleted it and then realized that it was a good bit of writing and that I should not have deleted it. Stupid move! Because I didn’t have the authority to publish it, I did send it in for approval, so maybe they will send it back to me. Keep your fingers crossed.

Oh goodness, I completely forgot to stick my headphones in my ears. I could have been listening to music all this time. Where am I with my mind? Life is so much kinder with a soundtrack in your head. I know why I forgot about it. My MP3 player needed a new battery in it, but that was easily remedied. When I live here by myself, i don’t have to worry about that, if I were to run out of batteries, I could just listen to the Real Player or to Deezer. I lived without any music for such a long time and now I can’t imagine doing without, because it makes such a difference in my mood. It cheers me up terrifically.

“There are nine million bicycles in Bejing.” Katie Melua. You can listen to the text, but you mustn’t believe in the romance of it, that would be a fatal move. Luckily, when you are 53 years old, you don’t have to take any of it personally and can just listen to it with detachment and a certain amount of bemusement. When I was younger, I was such a believer in the texts and the romance of it. I thought it was all true. I was the permanently broken heart kid. I walked around with a big ache that could only be filled with the romance that the song texts promised and sometime I thought I had found it. The big dramatic loves of my life, which in the end turned out to be relationships filled with hazardous no go areas.

All my love has been based purely on dependency. In how many ways can you rescue me? Can you take care of me? Can you keep me safe from the big bad world? Well, guess what, nobody could in the end. Least of all Eduard, although he tried the hardest, he also made me the most dependent and the least prepared. I reverted back to a sort of infantine state and became helpless and childlike. I had already become some of that in a relationship previous to that and let myself be treated like a Duchess, which was also my nickname. It was also a very dependent relationship in which I needed to be reassured constantly of the man’s fidelity and love for me and tried to earn it in all possible ways by being a very good girl. I was a ballerina with very sore toes, making pirouettes all day long.

My biggest fear was always to be abandoned by the people who I believed to be in love with, but which were really dependency issues. That’s because I never had clearly defined boundaries and I didn’t know who I was without the other person to give me a definition, dysfunctional as it was. I existed because of who I was with. Now I know that this is not true and I know that I am very well defined in sharp clear lines with a hefty substance and a clear content. I know who I am and what is bullshit and what is not. I am not afraid that I am going to be lost or scared or make some huge mistake in judgment. I will be fine, because I am a grown up now.

Well, after that long confession, I am going to end this now. In another half an hour, the dog and I are going to take out medicines an go for a walk, a nice and slow walk. I am off to see my SPN this morning to tell her the good news.

Have a thrilling Tuesday. Do you think days like that exist? Tuesdays seem like such ordinary days, except for some rainy day ones.

Ciao…