I went to bed at 2 AM last night, without having taken any sort of nap at all. I just kept staying up doing a myriad of blog related activities, which are doubly intensive now, because I also do my activities in Dutch and have to find and read and leave comments on Dutch language blogs also. It is a way to build up an audience, after all.
I forced myself to go to bed at 2 AM, otherwise I would have stayed up all night and my schedule would have been seriously disturbed. I woke up at 7 AM, welrested and ready to tackle the long awaited day, with Jesker waiting impatiently beside the bed, wagging his stubby tail when I finally woke up. We took our medicines and I had one cup of coffee and a cigarette before I took him for his walk and he was greatly relieved when I did. I think he loves and adores his morning walks the best, because he has to spray against every bush and tree and other non moving objects.
I have no appointments today, but here was still a bit of a hitch with the old Dutch blog in that it kept referring to it when I left comments to other wordpress blogs. I finally got that straightened out, as I could not delete the blog myself, because it did not recognize me as its administrator. A kind young man named Anthony helped me and very promptly too. Such great service! Now I can leave comments on Dutch language blogs referring people to my new Dutch blog. Oh, it was all such a todo about nothing, but such a bother anyway. The old Dutch blog has now disappeared from my dashboard and I am happy for it, because it just created confusion, which I caused in the first place by trying to be too smart.
I am listening to Damien Rice now. Is anyone familiar with him? He’s got a nice singing voice and very mellow songs. It’s a good way to start the day. Starting the day at my place means a lot of blogging, and very litte else, while listening to music.
Frances wants to know what I give up by no longer being Irene and I think that is a good question that I wil try to answer here.
One of the things I give up is victimhood, as Irene has always allowed herself to be a passive victim of her circumstances and not an assertive creator of the positive development of them. Irene would find herself in a less than optimal situation and gloomily and fatalistically accept it, even though she knew she would suffer because of it and that it was going to hurt, but she accepted hurt as a common condition of life, as if she didn’t expect anything else in the end.
Another thing Irene did very well was drama, because it was the only way she could release all her pent up emotions and fears and frustrations. Regulalrly, like clockwork, these emotions would rise to the top, because of some triviality, and explode in a scene of high drama with wild gestures and tears and long speeches and everything and much anger, very much anger and it raged on until there was no drama left in her and then she could go back to internalizing all of her emotions again. She internalized her emotions, because she accepted the unacceptable.
Irene had no clealry defined boundaries and no clearly defined ego. She let people move into her space and tread on the holy ground that was her soul and she had very shaky opinions about what in the end she thought of herself and the world around her. She was very dependent on the people around her to fill in the picture for her. The problem was, that she did in reality have an ego, but this was so suppressed that it was dammed into a tight little corner where it was suffocating and slowly dying. She did have opinions and points of view, but was so hesitant about expressing them, that she literally started to stutter when trying to express them and then tumbled and stumbled over her own words and forgot important bits of information.
Irene wasn’t selfish, she was a martyr. She gave herself up for the people she loved dearly and that was her downfall and she needed to be saved from herself and develop a healthy amount of egoism.
Irene placed no value on her worth as a human being and didn’t think she was worth her weight in any sort of valuable precious metal. She thought she was as disposable as yesterdays newspaper and old bread that gets fed to the ducks in the park. She thought she had done everything wrong and thought back with a head full of shame on her life and all her memories hurt.
I think you get the idea about who Irene was and I can tell you that Nora is none of these things and quite the opposite in all of them. So, I suppose I don’t need to go into detail and tell you who Nora is, because Nora has been writing all of the posts for this blog lately. She is in charge now. Nora is getting me out of the marriage without drama and she makes sure that all is well and safe.
I am glad that I was asked this question so that I could sum up for myself how things really are, although it had been clear to me already.
Now I must end this epistle and do a little bit of housework, I am not completely incapacitated after all.
See also my other weblog: “Nog eens een keer een leuke weblog…”
Ciao…
Honest and strong -
I think we all have an Irene somewhere in our psyche – part of what happens in adolescence to do with wanting to be feminine – it will be great to see how Nora goes on and whether you are able to really slough off every scale of Irene- it is inspirational, it shows you can always change – I wonder if you have to watch that Irene to make sure she doesn’t creep back in, like that Black Dog, looking for little opportunities to gain power again. Because of course, Irene gets to have a dramatic exciting time and to take no responsibility for some things. Nora has to take it on the chin and organise things and take full responsibility for herself. Exciting in a different way, but maybe difficult in a different way too.
I am going to look at your other blog, though it will be Dutch to me.
Irene was bright and funny and sweet, but I see you as Nora now which is goot, goot.
Eat some salty drop for me….my best.
Cat Stevens is in my ear – a playlist I called Iced Coffee for summer consumption.
‘Because of course, Irene gets to have a dramatic exciting time and to take no responsibility for some things. Nora has to take it on the chin and organise things and take full responsibility for herself.’
Ah Frances! You have said it all right here! Well done!
Isn’t this the truth Nora?!
As for your post of today – I want to say – You see! You CAN do it!
LOL Frances, it will all be dutch to me as well
An eloquent posting.
What did you do with Irene? I’m so confused. I have already established that I’m a bit on the slow side so now I’m just very befuddled with this whole Irene business.
But the thing was, that Irene was very miserable and unhappy in her dramatic times and was not enjoying them at all. They were extremely uncomfortable and traumatizing and Irene is better of without them. Let her go into a deep slumber and not wake up again. Nora has no need for the drama and is quite happy not to have any in her life. Irene is better of not being in charge again any more at all, she should be left out of the picture totally and not be called back to life again. It’s the end of her era. With Nora in charge and calling the shots things will be better run.
Rudee, Irene was the person I was my whole bloody life and she made a huge mess of it mostly and a long time ago I said to myself, one day a woman will rise up in me who will be mature and emancipated and intelligent and sure of herself and not afraid and brave and daring and happy and true to her own self and that woman will be called Nora, after the character in Ibsen’s play “The Dollhouse.” I have waited for more than 25 years to become that woman and now I have finally made it. So, Nora was born and she is present now and living my life. Living her life, I should say.
Rebirth I understand. It’s our gift for maturing-and somewhat of a surprise in the midst of this female aging nonsense. Good for you Nora. My favorite Nora of all is Nora Ephron, and her book I Feel Bad About My Neck is a clever book that all women should read. We’ll let Irene be gone then. Off with her!
You rock Nora!
I really like Damien Rice, Nora!
I do understand your need for rebirth but sometimes I’m still struggling to call you Nora. On the other hand, I fully see you as the woman Nora, not as how you describe Irene. So I guess I’m halfway there.
keep in mind that we all loved irene, too. so while nora seems to be forging a strong new way, don’t lose ALL of irene. she was great in her way.
I read with tears threatening to break free. I love this amazingly honest and beautiful post. I will miss Sweet Irene though. She was my blog friend, wise, funny and strong. There was a flipside to the sad and un-selfish Irene that we bid farewell that we all loved. Nora ofcourse is a name we will get used too, a new friend to get to know and love just like we did Sweet Irene.
Laurie and Lisa, no you don’t lose all of Irene, there are still bits and pieces of me around, but only the good bits. I don’t want to be Sweet Irene anymore, though, that woman was so complicated and Irene Sweet really existed at one time, for a long time that was my identity. In Dutch my name is pronounced Ee-ray-nuh, so that is quite different from Irene. That is already an improvement.