Very Leisurely.

Very leisurely I will start writing this post, as if I have all the time in the world, which I really do have, because it is in the middle of the night and what else am I going to do? I am certainly not going to be overtaken by an attack of spring cleaning suddenly and wash out all the kitchen cupboards or scrub the bathroom floor or wipe down all the woodwork in the apartment. If I lived by myself, I could in theory do things like this and not bother anyone, but I am not quite that crazy yet and when Eduard is gone, I doubt I will reach for a bucket of suds in the middle of the night.

Eduard still lives here for now, but we try to live our lives as independently as possible, while still being considerate of each other. I told Eduard that everything is fine as long as he does not comment on or interfere with my life. I do the same for him. I can tell that it is hard for Eduard not to want to interfere and put his two cents worth in on any occasion, but he is learning to bite his tongue and not say anything.

I only now realize how much he influenced and directed my every day life and my every move and it is very liberating to not have that happening any more. I don’t do much out of the ordinary yet, but I don’t owe him an explanation or need his sanction, and that just feels very emancipating. I knew Eduard was a dominant character, but I didn’t know how much that bled into our relationship. He is dominant under the guise of being caring and loving and knowing what is best for you, making you obedient and meek and willing to follow his orders. I am only finding out these things now.

No doubt he will claim all sorts of things about me that are equally true and that I made him feel and no doubt he is going to feel liberated too. I probably had issues of control also and wanted him to be a certain way. I probably also had a hidden agenda. Either way, we are both going to be set free and live our own lives and that is the most important thing. To have freedom and autonomy, even though we will have financial hardship. Freedom of the mind is the most important thing. It is a terrible thing to feel captured and ensnared.

The more I realize that this is waiting for me in the very foreseeable future, the more I want it to happen. Part of me acts as if it has already happened. I have had a complete attitude change and I now find life to be much more manageable. The thing to do is, to concentrate on yourself and to see what you need to do to make the best decisions for you. How does everything that happens around you concern you and do you get excited about that or not? You have to look out for number one and that is you, because you are on your own, but it does make it all overseeable. It is the struggle for you and the goal is your best will. You shove yourself to the front of the line and you can’t be meek about it. You have to watch out for your own best interests.

You can bet that I am going to turn over every nickel and dime before I spend it. I will be on a regime and everywhere I can cut corners, I will. If there is a subsidy or a tax return or another money opportunity, I will make sure I get it. I will travel everywhere by foot or by bike and only take the bus if I have no other choice. There will be no room for luxuries. I hope you realize that smoking, in my case, is not a luxury, it is a necessity. 80% 0f psychiatric patients smoke, according to the statistics. Count me amongst them. It has been said to be the best medication there is. Besides, psychiatric patients never die, they just fade away, well, not counting the suicide rate of course, but lets not get morbid.

When Eduard did the shopping yesterday, I told him not to get any cookies, but now sitting here in the very early morning, I regret that and I just looked all over the kitchen to see if he had not bought any anyway, as he sometimes will do. I think I am out of luck, though. You know, you can have such a craving for something, that in your mind you can picture yourself eating it. It’s a whole sensual vision of taste and smell and there is nothing in the apartment to replace what you need at that moment. I just happen to have a terrible craving for chocolate biscuits and I have to talk myself out of it, because this is not America where the stores are open 24 hours a day. I have to wait four more hours for the grocery store to open. By that time, I hope my craving will be gone. I still do have 8 more kilos to lose.

Well, that all for me for the moment. I’ll see if I have any interesting photographs to add to this, but don’t hold your breath.

That’s Toby, pretending he is a dangerous animal of prey stalking some innocent victim in the great jungle. That cat just has a terrific imagination and a good sense of humor. He is one of the cats that Eduard will be taking with him. The other one is Nouri, the white cat, because she is Toby’s girlfriend and they are inseparable.

Have a great Saturday and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. That gives you a lot of leeway, it really does.

Ciao…