I notice that I have been calling the Exfactor by his regular name again and I want to stop doing that right away, because it gives the appearance of a familiarity and intimacy that is not there and that I do not want to be there, so he is the Exfactor again from now on. The dog will be the Überhund and the cats will just be the cats or the minion cats as it pleases me. The other woman shall still be named the Paramount. I am still the editor of the script and I still pull the strings.
My sister told me yesterday, that she was under the impression that I had forgiven the Exfactor and I said, “Oh, for God’s sake, no, I will never forgive him. I never forgive anybody, that’s not my job.” She equated being friendly and polite with having forgiven and she could not be more wrong. I do have a great sense of pride within myself and a sense of self worth and I don’t like for anyone to come around and seriously damage that to the point that the Exfactor did. So no, I have not forgiven him and I never will. I have a memory like an elephant.
Anyway. I pulled the same trick this morning that I did yesterday, I got up early and went back to bed to sleep some more after I let the Überhund piddle out back.
I am rereading the Memory Keeper’s Daughter and I’m pretending that I don’t remember any of it so that it will all be a surprise to me. Luckily, I fall asleep with it quickly, so I never get to the point that things start to look real familiar. It is that, or a psychological book called Illusions, which I am not in the mood for right now. It’s a self improvement book and I will become amazingly self knowledgeable after I am done with it, but it seems like too much work and I think I know so much already. Mmm…well…
I suppose I’m not really in the mood to dig too deeply right now, not on my own anyway. I am cruising along comfortably now and I don’t want to rock the proverbial boat. I think I don’t want to join the Personality Disorder Group later this year. I think that is asking for trouble. They want to do a very deep analysis of my childhood and I have done that in the past and let me tell you, that is no picnic. I think it would be a bad idea for me to do that now, especially since I don’t seem to be suffering from a personality disorder at this time. I did not before my marriage and I do not afterwards, which makes me think I don’t really have one. I think it was artificially induced and maintained.
I no longer have short rapid mood cycles. My moods are for the most part always the same, or I should say, they are as normal as anyone else’s. I don’t go from an 8 to a 3 to a 5 to an 8 all in one day anymore. I react appropriately to the circumstances and bounce back well. I am an optimistic person and see the glass half full. It’s my disastrous marriage that screwed me up royally and I didn’t know it until it was over, although at the end I started having many suspicions. Like, why did I always fall apart in the afternoons when the Exfactor came home? And why was it as though he fed my hypo manic and depressive moods?
It’s best not to think about it anymore and let it be in the past where it belongs. I am living this life now that is so much better. A quiet and meditative life with moments of busyness and great hilarity. The occasional stress I can handle too.
Well, it’s time to watch the news and be a well informed citizen. How good and well behaved of me.
Have a great day, or what’s left of it.
Ciao…
It’s amazing how just being in the presence of somebody else can affect the way that we act and react – not only to them but to every situation we are presented with. It’s such a hard, long lesson to learn though – to finally realise that without the interference of others, we are actually quite normal. Of course we can get rid of the bad eggs in our life – those who bring us down and cause nothing but trouble for us – but we will forever have ousiders pushing against our perameters, and that’s when we really need to learn how to control our emotions, stick to our guns and be strong.
Irene, you are amazing, and your strength inspires me. x
Oh Irene! You know how I feel.
I can see that what your sister said has made you stand up and fight for yourself! Bravo girl! Bravo!
:0)
I could never forgive, that was until a time about two years ago, when I learnt that I had to in order to be able to move on. Maybe it was a selfish act, forgiving so that I could feel better..?
I could forgive then, but I still have not forgotten, and whether I’ll be able to forgive again, I won’t know until I am faced with a situation that warrants it.
Rambling as ever,
WC
xxx
Whatever/whoever it was that was the source of your cycles, I’m glad you’re not experiencing them now. And that is a good thing. A thing to be enjoyed.
If you think it’s not the right time for you to join that group then that’s it. You have to be at the right point in life for things like that. And if you’re not, you’re not. Easy as that. Do everything at your own pace and how YOU want it! That’s what life is about!
Enjoy your weekend!
When I was in therapy years ago Irene I learned that understanding meant that there was nothing to forgive and I found enormous freedom in that.
And also an incredible sense of awareness which has stayed with me.
you are becoming more and more aware and are gifted with your insight.
XO
WWW
Yes, I do gain in understanding and I do see a situation from two or more angles and that does help me in processing it. That’s what keeps me, hopefully, from making the same mistake again.
Hi Irene, you seem to be very much in control of your life. It is amazing how a controlling person can make such a difference to the way you act. You seem very much better being on your own & I am so glad that you are not being afflicted by all the disorders that you had to suffer while with the Exfactor. Keep up the good work, my friend & have a really good day! X
great.news
So glad the cycles have cycled away. And I don’t think I culd forgive exfactor either, but you are handling the situation well and I’m sure it makes things easier. It’s also a sign you’re coping in that you can talk to him like a human being, it shows ‘other feelings’ have moved on and is a great message to him that you are doing fine without him. Blimey Irene, I can’t express myself at all today but I hope you know what I mean.
Thanks everybody, for your supportive remarks. It is a difficult subject to broach and as much and as little can be said about it. I think for now, I have dealt with it. I just wanted to get my point across. For those of you naively thinking it was all over and dealt with, you were on the wrong track and that is why I wrote this. For those of you who knew better,well, I reinforced your believes.
I thank you all for sticking with me so loyally through thick and thin. You don’t know how much that means.