A Second in Between.

The Uberhund and I have just gone for our last walk of the day. For some reason, he is always impatient for this one and really won’t wait for it to be the proper time, so I take him when he wants to go very badly and he won’t leave me siting here in peace, but keeps moaning and groaning and urgently walking up and down.

Of course, once we get outside, he has no urgent business, he just wants to go out and have a good sniff around the neighborhood. I am sure that by that time a myriad of dogs have left their messages on the tree trunks and the bushes and the lamp posts, so we have to stop practically everywhere and he has to add his two or three drops to it. It’s a shame he can’t pee so very high, he is one of the low men on the totem pole. I don’t think it bothers him very much, he never checks afterwards if he did it well enough.

You would be amazed by how many people own dogs around here and they are all pure bred, there is not a mongrel amongst them. They are, for the most part, well behaved and very seldom is there an argument between two dogs when they meet. Sometimes, little dogs can be a bit feisty, because of their inferiority complex, and the Uberhund gives them a wide berth. He is also only mildly interested in puppies and only checks them out once and after that he completely ignores them.

He thinks children are mildly interesting and goes over to sniff them, but he has no patience to be petted by them. He is sort of a snob and just wants to be going on his way and do his own business. He likes big dogs and is not intimidated by them. He checks out their private parts carefully as if that tells him a lot about them.

The only dogs he dislikes instantly are pit bulls, but luckily we don’t run into many of them. He barks at them very ferociously and pulls at the leash and the pit bulls respond in kind. I am sure we would have an awful mess on our hands if they ever got away from us.

I am very happy to inform you that the Temazepam is working at full strength now and that I feel ever so much better and that I need to have my head examined for trying to quit another medication on my own, but I do foolishly try that at times and as a rule it doesn’t work out. Somehow, I have to remember that, but when you feel good, you convince yourself that you will keep feeling good when you quit those pills. It is a common occurrence with psychiatric patients and a big downfall in their treatment. Luckily, I have always had the sense to go back to my pills when I realized I was in trouble.

I was beginning to feel so nicely hypo manic at the beginning of the week and I wasn’t even planning on doing anything about it, because I thought that it was a good state of mind to be in. I had convinced myself of the positive effects of it, but it sure backfired on me. It goes to show you how irrational a human being can be in different states of mind. Not at all willing to call in the help that she needs.

Well, as you can see, the Internet was not cut off, nor were the telephone or the cable TV. I call that a small miracle and I thank you for lighting the candles, because surely that helped. I keep running into little bits of bad luck, along with the things that go right, but I think that is the human condition, so I will not make a big deal of it.

I have added some new blogs to my favorites and I think it is a bloody shame that this blog design does not allow me to show a blog roll. I don’t want to go with the design that does, as I find it a very cluttered one and it keeps bothering me when I use it and I feel uncomfortable with it. WordPress does have its drawbacks. I need to find some sort of solution to it and will bend my head over it tonight.

I have been listening to my music less these past days and enjoying the complete silence of the apartment. Well, as silent as it gets with a dog and three cats in it. It is like the silence is a noise too. A white peaceful noise in the background. I suppose that’s what I need right now. Not the funky sounds of a jazz saxophone. There is a lot of serenity in silence, although I do interrupt it occasionally with the sound of the news on the TV.

I have found that I enjoy watching sports on television. I watched large portions of the Tour de France and watched the last day of it. I like the mindlessness of repetitive motion like tennis or mountain bike racing. I don’t care much who wins, although usually I am rooting for the underdog. I like to watch football, but I like rugby better and I wish they would show more games. Maybe rugby season is over? I will be a fervent watcher of the Olympic Games in spite of the human rights in China. I am not boycotting the Games.

They should have a ‘walk your dog’ event. I would enter that, although the Uberhund would need to do a little training, because he never walks in a straight line, but wanders all over the place.

Well, off I go. Have a good day, people.

Ciao.

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In Between.

I can’t write about my memories all the time. My head will get stuck in them and sometimes that is not a pleasant feeling, depending on the memories. Instead, I will write about what is going on right now.

I had told you all very proudly that I had stopped taking the Temazepam during the day. Well, as of yesterday I am back on it. It didn’t quite work out the way I had hoped and I am still not back to normal. The first days there were no problems, then I got a hypo manic mood and after that I went to hell in a hand basket with obsessive thoughts and feelings of panic. I tried to keep my wits about me, but found it very hard and finally decided to go back to the Temazepam, which is slowly bringing back some peace inside of me.

I am not a happy camper. There are too many insecurities in my life right now. I still don’t have my rent and medical care subsidies. I don’t know how much my next welfare check is going to be and if it will be enough to live on, and I got word from the Sonoma County Courthouse that my notarization for the request for the marriage certificate is not good enough. On top of that the dog and the cats have fleas.

The last problem is easiest to fix and I am working on that right now with special products and lots of vacuuming and the washing of various items. I will have that problem taken care of in the shortest time.

I also thought last month that I would go with a different Internet provider, but that turned into one great big hassle with nothing but problems, so at the last minute, I decided to stay with the one I had and canceled the cancellation. At the time they told me that would be no problem, but I am waiting today for them to pull the plug on me anyway and leave me without Internet and telephone and cable TV. It will be a small miracle if everything does keep working. Light a candle for me, will you?

Such are the woes and worries of every day life and when I wasn’t taking the Temazepam I began to obsessively worry and panic about these things and could not look at them objectively and rationally anymore.

I thought the dog had a skin condition, because I never saw a flea and he scratched very selectively. I very innocently took him to the vet who soon set me straight and sent me home with a bunch of products that seem to be doing the job well.

I do notice that the Uberhund is panting a lot when we go for walks. I blamed it on the hot weather, but this morning he was doing it again and it was still cool outside. I have to keep an eye on that and see how it develops. I am thinking heart, lungs, and want to have it investigated, but I won’t run to the vet yet, because the Uberhund doesn’t enjoy it very much and we were just there.

The Exfactor and I are developing a normal relationship. he can come here for a cup of coffee and take care of whatever business needs to be taken care of and we can sit and chat and exchange thoughts in a very reasonable way. He is even starting to feel comfortable enough so he will talk about the Paramount on occasion and that is fine with me. He doesn’t have to keep that part of his life a secret from me. It isn’t necessary. I am not jealous and not out to put her in a bad daylight.

I do see that, of the two of us, I have changed the most. He is still his usual self and i don’t know if that is good, but maybe in the circle of friends that he finds himself in that is okay and he is accepted. He is still very reactionary and radical and sometimes hotheaded about issues. An anarchist a bit, whereas I am much more conventional and middle of the road, although I do have my opinions and I do swing to the left, but that is nothing special in the Netherlands. I am just an ordinary Dutch socialist woman.

Well, I must be off to the post office and the grocery store. My favorite place to hang out. There is always that endless supply of milk to get and the dog and cat food.

You all have a most pleasant day.

Ciao…

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No way, no go…

For those of you who were looking forward to read all about my adventurous journey to Amsterdam, I have to disappoint you, because I didn’t go.

I woke up at 4 AM and dreaded the thought that I had to go all the way there and just could not find the motivation to and was hoping there was a way to get out of it. I called my daughter in Texas and asked her if there was any other way to get my request for the marriage certificate notarized. She said, yes, if I could find a competent and recognized notary in Maastricht, then that would do also.

Of course, I reached for the yellow pages immediately and started my search and soon found one that I thought would do and when it was a decent enough hour I called and made an appointment, which I was able to get this afternoon. Notaries are university educated people who do estate planning and last wills and testaments and make up contracts. They usually have their offices in the most beautiful old buildings in town. This one did too.

Anyway, my request was notarized and it will have to be good enough. They even notarized a copy of my passport. If this is not good enough, I will travel to Sonoma County and pick the darn thing up myself.

The rest of the day was spent walking around in the heat with the Uberhund and riding my bike to the store to make copies of important papers for Social Services and to do groceries, again. I drink a liter of milk a day, so I constantly have to replenish the supply and then there is always cat and dog food to get and fresh bread.

It’s very warm outside. Tomorrow it is going to be equally warm with rain and thunder storms. That should be quite a spectacle. I am already planning on wearing the least amount of clothes, because I was overdressed today. Trying to make a good impression on the notary.

I have lost 8 kilos since I have told the Exfactor that I wanted a divorce. Don’t worry, I am not starving myself. I eat when I am hungry, but my little stomach gets full very quickly. Today, for lunch, I had pudding with berry sauce and it went down well. Those kinds of foods always go down easy. Sometimes I let myself have a treat.

I have stopped taking the Temazepam during the day and have found no averse effects from it.  I am as calm as I was before. I take one 10 mg pill at night before I go to sleep and I sleep better. It is so nice to go to bed and feel myself getting drowsy and hear my book plunk down on the floor beside the bed.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for you today. Positively boring, isn’t it? I tell you, there is no drama in my life anymore. I am turning into just your everyday boring old blogger. Pretty soon I’ll have to start making up events to keep your attention.

Ciao….

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Wanky Wooly Wednesday

Lake Wobegon Days.

Firstly, let me do a good deed for two people who made me smile especially wide when I read my comments tonight. All my comments make me smile as a rule, but these two made me smile more than usual and it is so funny that these two people both had the same sort of idea. They are Miss Understood and Stinking Billy who both sent me a silly poem that was just right to end the day with. I would like to give them this special award:

So, please pick it up and feel free to pass it on to others who made you smile today or any other day.

It’s a little past eleven PM on Tuesday night now. Eduard and I just came home from the film house where I leaned on the bar in my usual spot next to the nachos machine. A man and a woman came to stand there and they were obviously on a date, because the man said very apologetically to the woman, “Well, this is not the most romantic spot to drink our wine.” I could have told him that, because I eavesdrop on everybody and everybody feels that way about the nachos machine.

A funny thing happened. A volunteer colleague of Eduard tried to pick me up. He didn’t know who I was, but I knew who he was and I kept silent about who I was, so it was quite funny and we had a very animated conversation during which I was much flattered. His name is Milout and he comes from Morocco and speaks French fluently and his mother makes the best couscous. He talks very excitedly and with much body language and he is obviously an intelligent guy, but he was quite embarrassed when Eduard walked up to him and asked him in French if he was trying to pick up his wife. Milout said, “Oh no, she is your wife, surely not, you must be joking!” I was most charmed by this Arabic man who understands how to woo a woman. You don’t meet many men like that anymore.

Graffiti

Early Wednesday morning. I suddenly had to go to bed, I was overcome by sleep and nodding off behind the computer. That was before I took my sleeping pills, imagine me afterwards.

I discovered something about being wobbly on the bike. I realized since I had become so much calmer, that I did not need that much oxazepam anymore and that it was even starting to make me feel drugged. So, yesterday I cut back my massive dose of 200 mg to a more sensible dose of 80 mg, which is still a lot and suddenly I feel a lot more clearheaded. I needed them when I did and felt fine on them, but now that I don’t need them that much anymore , they make me feel drugged and drowsy. I am going to cut them down to 40 mg a day and stay on that amount, because I think I will always need a little and it is handy when I can increase the dose if I suddenly have to.

So, I am much less wobbly on the bike and can go at increasingly faster speeds now and that is ever so nice, like last night when it started to rain and we made it home by riding our bikes quickly between the raindrops and we hardly got wet. I am still having a tendency to veer to the right, but I feel much more secure now and that makes a lot of difference. I can’t quite say that I raced Eduard home, but I gave it a try anyway. He would always win that race. He’s like Speedy Gonzales.

Roadside Trees.

I saw my SPN in the morning. I told her about my newly acquired insights into my Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and she seemed relieved about that and said she had always been kept up to date about that by my psychiatrist and he had always shown her my emails to him about the subject. I showed her the notes I had made for myself and she asked if she could keep those. She said there is a bit of a waiting list for the personality disorder team, but that she would care for me in the meantime and that there should be no problem with the transfer of me from one caregiver to the next, that is all streamlined.

Actually, for me it is also a relief to have owned up to this bit of myself, especially when I read the various reports and letters about myself that I have always had the copies off in my big organizer. I was so obviously derailed and in such bad shape for such long time and there was such concern for me and my mental state of health. I have so stubbornly refused to see the writing on the wall these past 6 years or so, in the end I only hurt myself with that contrary attitude. It has to do with trusting other people and assuming that they have your best interests at heart.

I see it this way, manic depression is like an illness that you cope with and BPD is like a behavior disorder that you can teach yourself to change in.

Market Stall Shampoos.

Eduard and I wanted to have a cuddle moment yesterday afternoon, but we ended up having such serious talks about all sorts of things and then, worn out, I fell asleep. We are both going through a lot of changes right now and are discovering a lot about ourselves and each other. Sometimes it’s quite scary. I sometimes don’t know where we will end up. I do love him very much and am still very much in love with him. I realize that when I see him in a crowd, like last night at the café and I see him in comparison to other men, and I realize that I wouldn’t want anybody else. “It’s a puzzlement,” as the king of Siam said to Anna.

Oh, I am seeing the physiotherapist on Friday and I am looking forward very much as to what sort of therapy I am going to get. I am secretly hoping for massages, but I should be that lucky, right? “Please massage my back into the right place, thank you!”

I walked to my SPN’s office, which took me 30 minutes, and after that, I walked to the film house for some coffee and that took me about 30 minutes. I tried to walk straight up, but I think I may have given the appearance of a drunk woman. You know how drunk people really do their best to walk like they are stone sober? Well, I looked like that. I could have gotten a ticket for disorderly conduct.

Well, it’s time to hang up. I have to change my music download list. Fo
r some reason I thought it would be interesting to have a French rapper on it, but now it seems that every other song is one of his, so I am deleting him out of the system and I am going to find something better instead, so wish me luck. I was thinking of Linkin Park, but I think they may be a bit too hip for us middle aged folks.

Gotta set my priorities, am I hip or am I middle aged, or am I middle aged because I am hip?

Have a wanky wooly Wednesday and for all of you people who don’t have a queen, I say, try it, you may like it. There are some noble houses floating around Europe who could use a country to rule over symbolically. Then you wouldn’t have such abnormal moral expectations of your presidents. You could transfer all of those feelings to your Royal Houses. They’re good for that.

Ciao…

P.S. One for the road.

Market Stall Fabrics.

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Satisfying but Silly Saturday!

Starry Night

Friday afternoon, 5:30 PM. Well, I have managed to piddle away a whole other day doing all sorts of things and nothing important at all really. In the morning at 7 AM, I lost my Internet connection and was like Captain Hook without his hook. The help desk didn’t open until 8 AM, so I actually had to amuse myself for an entire hour. I did this by trying to fix the problem myself by removing and reattaching several wires, but that didn’t help.

At 8 AM, the man at the help desk started telling me a complicated story about which wires to disconnect and I told him to hold on a minute while I gave him my husband to talk to who is much more technically gifted than I am. They had a bit of a conversation and wires were disconnected and reconnected and after a while, I had Internet again and that was the most important thing of all. Thank goodness for technically savvy husbands!

What I did after that is sort of vague to me. I was supposed to have gone back to bed, but I never did make it there. I did all sorts of other things behind the computer, but I don’t rightly know what they all were anymore, so I claim partial amnesia.

I did pick out a new template, which is the stretch denim, it being a wider template than the other, but then I spent a long time trying to get it to look as much as possible like the old one. Only the banner changed, as you can see, as I have misplaced the large size of the tulip photograph, so have added the metamorphic one instead. Blowing my own horn a bit here too, no doubt.

I have changed the images on my slide show and first had them in the middle of the page, but then didn’t like that and moved them back to the sidebar. At first I couldn’t figure out how to get rid of the ones in the middle of the page, but it turned out that you just delete them as you would any old post. Now I have to figure out how to add images to the slide show without going through all sorts of hassle.

Charley Toorop

I was busy like this until Eduard came home and he saw the condition I was in and the apartment and he said that maybe I was spending too much time behind the computer, which I weakly protested, since it is only the last few days that I am so preoccupied and obsessed at the cost of everything else. He does have a point though, but I am not ready to change my manners just yet. I need to be a little obsessed a little while longer.

He did have a surprise for me. A new mobile phone, one that closes so you don’t have to deactivate the keyboard every time you stick it in your pocket and it comes with its own built in tunes. I am learning how to use it as the instructions are in German and English, but one of the languages on the phone is Dutch. See how continental we are? Now I want people to call me, so I can hear the tune I picked out. I’ll call myself in a little while.

Finally, after all that excitement, Eduard and I went to bed for our afternoon nap and I slept at least two hours and it was wonderful. I am sure it was very boring for Eduard, but it can’t be helped. It is therapeutic, after all! We did have a huggable time beforehand.

Now Eduard is cooking paella and the whole apartment smells good. He is making it with shrimp and chicken and I am sure that it will be delicious. I won’t be able to eat the chicken, though. I’ll have to eat around it. Jekser is eyeballing the shrimp, because he loves them. He would eat the whole pound of them if we let him, so we gave him some extra kibbles instead, that is much healthier for him.

Monet 1

Oh yes, I have been doing a lot of experimenting with the metamorphics and I am becoming quite contend with them. I am catching on to the possibilities and how to use them. Slowly by slowly, as Irene always goes.

I have to tell you people, there is a lot of difference if I have enough sleep and take my medicines on time. Whenever I become unreasonable and very down, I have done one of these things not right and I quickly need to remedy the situation. The problem is the point to which I am reasonable enough to realize that. Therefor the sign on the coffee table.

Okay, that’s enough for now. I’ll catch up with you guys later in the night or in the early morning. I am still in my bathrobe. Isn’t that scandalous?

Saturday some time in the night, way too early to call it morning.

Peacock

Sometimes you have to break up your own train of thought with an image, but will it work? (This will not make any sense to you, because before this I had a bit of a rant about something and Blogger will not let me put it in no matter what I tried, so we’ll just forget about that and consider it left unthought and unwritten. The god of the Bloggers didn’t want it out there apparently.)

No, it didn’t, so I very leisurely smoked a cigarette and drank my mug of Senseo and that calmed me down a bit. Pretty soon the oxazepam will start to work and I will be doing a lot better. I will no longer rage like a storm in a glass of water. All confined and unable to get out. Now I must eat soemthing. Hhhmmm…yogurt, because there are no cookies.

That tasted good!

Today is Saturday, so Eduard gets to spend the afternoon on his own however he pleases. It’s his time out from all the responsibilities that rest on his shoulders the rest of the week. It’s his mental health afternoon. He doesn’t have to tell me where he is going or where he has been as long as he is home by 6 PM. His psychiatrist thought that this was very important for him, but I had already agreed to such an arrangement and we have the particulars drawn up in a contract that we both agreed on. That way everything is clear to the both of us and there will be no misunderstandings. Eduard needs to feel that he has this small amount of freedom without care for anybody, including me. I need to feel some amount of control by having drawn up the contract.

I can do all of this, as long as I keep on an even keel and my moods don’t start fluctuating wildly, so it is important that I take care of myself well. I m
ust sleep on time and take my medication on time and extra if I need it. I have to be my own best monitor, nobody else will feel as well as I how I am doing, well, with the exception of Frances maybe! She has the uncanny ability to pick up on my moods very quickly.

Here is one last image, a portrait of myself made unrecognizable.

Have yourself a satisfying but silly Saturday with sumptuous weather and now snow flurries!

Ciao…

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A puppet on a string

Monday evening, 7 :30 pm. I’m on my own again, drinking decaf, listening with half an ear to the Belgian news, knowing it doesn’t matter if I miss most of it.

I took a nap this afternoon and woke up at 5 pm slightly disoriented, but feeling ever so much better than before I went to sleep when I was suffering from one panic attack after another and I could not stop them from happening, no matter what I tried.

In the Netherlands we call them fear attacks and maybe that better describes them, because I do feel absolute terror when I have them. It’s like being in a very scary movie that you can’t get out of. My oxazepam ended up being quadrupled, but I can increase it one more time and maybe I will try that and see if it gives me any relief.

The fear attacks start early in the morning before the medication has had a chance to start working and, of course, I reach for the wine to calm my nerves. It does have an immediate effect and that is what makes it so appealing, although I do hear your chorus of concerns in the comments box and I will try to not reach for the wine first thing tomorrow morning but increase the oxazepam first and take it sooner to head of the first attack.

I realized this afternoon that I looked on the calender wrong and that my appointment with my SPN isn’t until Wednesday. That seems like an awfully long time away and I talked to her on the phone in a panic today and she was able to waylay some of my fears by just talking very calmly to me. I don’t know if she knows how scary it is to have a panic attack and how it immobilizes your head into one state of mind and that is the one of fear.

I feel like a puppet that’s being jerked around and about on its strings by a crazy unpredictable hand. I should not let it get the upper hand of me, but I can find no solid ground under my feet. I realize, being manic depressive, that this is a worst case scenario for me to find myself in and that this is not at all conducive for the stability of my moods. I can only assume that the workings of my medications is keeping me somewhat “normal.” Ha, I laugh about that word.

Eduard invited me to go to the film house with him tonight and although it sounds tempting, I find I do not have the right kind of enthusiasm and curiosity to go. Whatever happens there, will have to happen without me. I don’t feel like drinking and there are only so many cappuchino’s you can drink on one night, even though they do come with good cookies…

…much later. I’ve just had an hour and a half conversation with my sister in law who also happens to be a therapist and she told me some very interesting things and gave me lots of feedback. She told me about a kind of therapy that is called Past Reality Integration and that may be very helpful to me, She gave me the name of the website that discusses it in detail and there was a book there that she recommended and I ordered it right away while I was on the phone with her. I am never one to waste time on ordering helpful products and I am all for reading literature that can be helpful to me. The website is called www.prionline.nl. There is an English flag in the corner for the English language site.

Tuesday morning 4:45 AM. I’ve just reread all of your comments and I realize that I am abusing the wine and that I have to stop using it as a crutch, especially while I am taking so much medication, and that I really can’t keep imbibing in it the way I do now as if there is no tomorrow and every day is a new opportunity to drink and the day before didn’t count, because…well, it just doesn’t! I am probably poisoning myself if I use it the way I do along with the medication and I was drinking at least a liter a day. This is by someone who doesn’t regularly drink at all! It’s all nothing or everything with me.

So, today I am going to take my medication on time, with an increase in the oxazepam, and lay off the wine completely and whatever panic attack I am going to get, I’ll just live through it and remember that it isn’t actually going to kill me, even though it feels like it will.

It is also the talk I had with my sister in law that helped me very much as she said some very pertinent things to me, which I won’t discuss here, because they are very personal of nature and although I bare a lot here, I will not bare all. Needless to say, they have to do with having been a little girl in difficult circumstances and how you carry that little girl with you into adulthood and have her automatically react to major life events in the primary sense at first.

I stayed up and waited for Eduard to come home last night and told him that I do not want a divorce now, but that I want to consider all of our other options first and he agreed with that and said that is why he made an appointment on Wednesday afternoon with the psychiatrist.

So, basically, I need to retrieve some of the power over myself that I seemed to have given away and to not feel so helpless in all of this. I do have the power of choice and I do have the say over what happens to me. I am not a puppet on a string! I celebrate that fact by having made a series of new images and posting them here. Maybe I will do more if I feel celebratory in the next days.

Now I am going to wish you all a terrifically tireless Tuesday with much dragon slaying and damsel in distress rescuing. Trusty steeds can be borrowed at my stable at 8:00 AM continental time.

Ciao…

P.S. Tomorrow will be my 500th post.

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On love.

There comes a time, when I have been up for a while in the wee hours of the morning, that I start to feel that it is time to take my medication. I start to feel weary and sad and a fist starts to squeeze around my heart and takes my breath away. I know that if I pay attention to what is going on with me then, because it sneaks up on me slowly, and I take my medicines, I will start feeling better after about half an hour and suddenly I feel the weight drop off my shoulders and I can think straight again without the feeling of doom hovering over me.

You would think it is a simple thing to remember that it may be time to take your medication, but because it is such a subconscious feeling when it starts, you almost are not aware of it right away and it is just a nagging unpleasantness that creeps up on you like a slowly moving high tide. Suddenly you are almost under water and drowning and then you better move fast before it is too late. The two medications that work quickly are the oxazepam and the risperdal. Very soon after I take them I feel a great deal of relief and I feel the tension dropping off me.

I wonder if that is why I so often dream that I am smoking dope and feel very good when I do. A feeling of total bliss comes over me when I dream like that. It must be all those little chemicals moving around in my brain while I sleep.

I have to tell you something that came to me when I sat in my hospital room and stopped crying and a complete sense of calm came over me, and that was this thought: I can not divorce my husband. It would be like having one half of my body torn off without anesthetics by two powerful Clydesdale horses and not dying because of it, but forever writhing in the pain of it.

I have to find another solution to the problem that is my marriage, but I do not want to give up the life that I have with my husband, who is also my best partner and my best friend and my best confidant. He is my soul mate and the other half of me and I can’t live without him any more than I can live without air to breathe and water to drink and bread to eat. He is me in the male definition and I don’t hate him and I don’t dislike him, although I hate his actions and I dislike his deeds. But I love him dearly and I want to grow old with him and I have no other picture in my head but that one.

I think we need a lot of counseling and possibly there are not going to be any easy answers and there may not be any perfect solutions. I don’t have any right now. I can only state some facts and desires and a total and absolute declaration of love. That is in my heart and it can’t be cut out with a scalpel, because the patient will die. Eduard was my first love and I want him to be my last love. And my everlasting love.

And I will take a licking and keep on ticking. Isn’t that how the commercial goes?

Lest we all forget, he is not the most beautiful man in the world, but he does have the most kind eyes and that is why I am posting his picture, so you will see this man that my heart wants to belong to. It is he who used to be my knight in shining armor come to rescue me, but I am no longer a damsel in distress. I am the lady of the castle who wishes the lord of the manor by her side as an equal partner.

We are the odd couple together. The two people who make a parody of life and who laugh and are silly about the same things. Who are cynical about politicians and who scorn articles in the newspaper. We are bread and butter and Mutt and Jeff. We are the Best Couple in Maastricht, give or take one or two. We can finish each other’s sentences and thoughts and are compatible in all things. We belong!

Okay, I am a sentimental fool. Shoot me for that. At least I am not quoting Pablo Neruda’s poetry here.

Have yourself a Sensational Saturday, a Singing Songs Saturday, a Sensible Saturday if you must. Don’t forget to tell the person you love how much you do!

Ciao…

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