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Archive for the ‘moods’ Category

Darn, I haven’t done a damn thing all day. At least not any of the things that come under the heading of ‘household chores’. Everything is exactly as it was this morning when I got up, not one speck of dirt and not one dirty dish has been moved. Not that I have that many specks of dirt and dirty dishes, living here on my own and all that. I do have dog hair, however and I could have, I say, I could have, vacuumed today, but since the day is sacred, I thought I would not noisy it up with the sound of the vacuum cleaner. How is that for a fair set of reasoning? I am not even a religious person when I am in my right mind, yet I abide by the holiness of Sunday and always will.

Well, I did walk the dog numerous times and the first time was at 4AM, because he had to go badly and you don’t say it’s too early to a dog who has to go badly. I have fed him and the cats and given him his pills and his eye drops, so I have been a responsible owner, even if it is my day off. I have to walk him once more tonight and do his eye twice more and then we call it a day.

Remember when I was being all sentimental and so convinced that I should have a second dog and that I had to be talked out of that by my sister and my daughter and some other people? Well, these past few days the thought has been growing with me that after the Überhund is gone I may not want another dog at all, but just stick with cats. It would give me a lot more freedom to come and go as i choose and to spend nights away from home and make short trips. Now I am always rushing home at certain times of the day to walk him and sometimes I want to linger somewhere when there is a good atmosphere and a good conversation going.

So, I am going to put some deep thought into that. It is a whole new idea that I have to approach with a whole new attitude.

Well, what did I do all day? I hung out behind the computer doing all sorts of things on Facebook and on my new email address and on a new web group I joined. I frankly piddled the whole day away doing piddly things that don’t justify all the time I spent on them. Oh yes, I updated my profile on Hyves too, but that is no fun for you people because it is all in Dutch. Besides, I don’t move under my real name there, I am incognito.

I’ll tel you what I did on Facebook. I looked through the pictures of all the friends of my friends and when I saw a nice looking man, I wrote him a really nice message and asked him to be my friend. I only did it three times, so I was being very picky and they all live far away, so there is no danger of anything developing. Wasn’t that smart of me? I don’t know. It probably is going to backfire on me or something…

I just ate a bowl of asparagus soup and it is making me feel very sad. Does eating asparagus make you feel sad? Why would that be? Am I associating something with asparagus? I always think that the big ones look like circumcised penises, but that can’t be it. I have that sometimes with some foods, that they make me feel sad and I never know why. It is a feeling that passes after a while and I used to think it was like an allergy, but now I think it is maybe an association deep down in my subconscious.

I tell you, so much happens in my subconscious that steers me, that I am not aware of, sometimes I wonder if I have a free will at all.

It’s only just after 6 o’clock and I am already yawning. I can’t possibly be sleepy now. The Überhund is sleeping at my feet and snoring, maybe that is sleep inducing.

I tell you what. I am going to keep this short for tonight and watch some TV. The Netherlands are managing to win a medal about every day so we’ll see how they did today. That is, if I can keep my eyes open.

Have a happy what’s left of this Sunday. I’m not complaining about mine.

Ciao…

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Starry Night

Friday afternoon, 5:30 PM. Well, I have managed to piddle away a whole other day doing all sorts of things and nothing important at all really. In the morning at 7 AM, I lost my Internet connection and was like Captain Hook without his hook. The help desk didn’t open until 8 AM, so I actually had to amuse myself for an entire hour. I did this by trying to fix the problem myself by removing and reattaching several wires, but that didn’t help.

At 8 AM, the man at the help desk started telling me a complicated story about which wires to disconnect and I told him to hold on a minute while I gave him my husband to talk to who is much more technically gifted than I am. They had a bit of a conversation and wires were disconnected and reconnected and after a while, I had Internet again and that was the most important thing of all. Thank goodness for technically savvy husbands!

What I did after that is sort of vague to me. I was supposed to have gone back to bed, but I never did make it there. I did all sorts of other things behind the computer, but I don’t rightly know what they all were anymore, so I claim partial amnesia.

I did pick out a new template, which is the stretch denim, it being a wider template than the other, but then I spent a long time trying to get it to look as much as possible like the old one. Only the banner changed, as you can see, as I have misplaced the large size of the tulip photograph, so have added the metamorphic one instead. Blowing my own horn a bit here too, no doubt.

I have changed the images on my slide show and first had them in the middle of the page, but then didn’t like that and moved them back to the sidebar. At first I couldn’t figure out how to get rid of the ones in the middle of the page, but it turned out that you just delete them as you would any old post. Now I have to figure out how to add images to the slide show without going through all sorts of hassle.

Charley Toorop

I was busy like this until Eduard came home and he saw the condition I was in and the apartment and he said that maybe I was spending too much time behind the computer, which I weakly protested, since it is only the last few days that I am so preoccupied and obsessed at the cost of everything else. He does have a point though, but I am not ready to change my manners just yet. I need to be a little obsessed a little while longer.

He did have a surprise for me. A new mobile phone, one that closes so you don’t have to deactivate the keyboard every time you stick it in your pocket and it comes with its own built in tunes. I am learning how to use it as the instructions are in German and English, but one of the languages on the phone is Dutch. See how continental we are? Now I want people to call me, so I can hear the tune I picked out. I’ll call myself in a little while.

Finally, after all that excitement, Eduard and I went to bed for our afternoon nap and I slept at least two hours and it was wonderful. I am sure it was very boring for Eduard, but it can’t be helped. It is therapeutic, after all! We did have a huggable time beforehand.

Now Eduard is cooking paella and the whole apartment smells good. He is making it with shrimp and chicken and I am sure that it will be delicious. I won’t be able to eat the chicken, though. I’ll have to eat around it. Jekser is eyeballing the shrimp, because he loves them. He would eat the whole pound of them if we let him, so we gave him some extra kibbles instead, that is much healthier for him.

Monet 1

Oh yes, I have been doing a lot of experimenting with the metamorphics and I am becoming quite contend with them. I am catching on to the possibilities and how to use them. Slowly by slowly, as Irene always goes.

I have to tell you people, there is a lot of difference if I have enough sleep and take my medicines on time. Whenever I become unreasonable and very down, I have done one of these things not right and I quickly need to remedy the situation. The problem is the point to which I am reasonable enough to realize that. Therefor the sign on the coffee table.

Okay, that’s enough for now. I’ll catch up with you guys later in the night or in the early morning. I am still in my bathrobe. Isn’t that scandalous?

Saturday some time in the night, way too early to call it morning.

Peacock

Sometimes you have to break up your own train of thought with an image, but will it work? (This will not make any sense to you, because before this I had a bit of a rant about something and Blogger will not let me put it in no matter what I tried, so we’ll just forget about that and consider it left unthought and unwritten. The god of the Bloggers didn’t want it out there apparently.)
No, it didn’t, so I very leisurely smoked a cigarette and drank my mug of Senseo and that calmed me down a bit. Pretty soon the oxazepam will start to work and I will be doing a lot better. I will no longer rage like a storm in a glass of water. All confined and unable to get out. Now I must eat soemthing. Hhhmmm…yogurt, because there are no cookies.

That tasted good!

Today is Saturday, so Eduard gets to spend the afternoon on his own however he pleases. It’s his time out from all the responsibilities that rest on his shoulders the rest of the week. It’s his mental health afternoon. He doesn’t have to tell me where he is going or where he has been as long as he is home by 6 PM. His psychiatrist thought that this was very important for him, but I had already agreed to such an arrangement and we have the particulars drawn up in a contract that we both agreed on. That way everything is clear to the both of us and there will be no misunderstandings. Eduard needs to feel that he has this small amount of freedom without care for anybody, including me. I need to feel some amount of control by having drawn up the contract.

I can do all of this, as long as I keep on an even keel and my moods don’t start fluctuating wildly, so it is important that I take care of myself well. I m
ust sleep on time and take my medication on time and extra if I need it. I have to be my own best monitor, nobody else will feel as well as I how I am doing, well, with the exception of Frances maybe! She has the uncanny ability to pick up on my moods very quickly.

Here is one last image, a portrait of myself made unrecognizable.

Have yourself a satisfying but silly Saturday with sumptuous weather and now snow flurries!

Ciao…

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The possibility exists that in the foreseeable future I will be a divorced woman. When I first realized this, I was very devastated and I thought it was the absolute worst thing that had ever happened to me. Worse than the murder of my mother and worse than the death of my son, but now that I’ve grown somewhat used to the idea, I realize that I will be okay, although it is not the outcome that I want and not the outcome that I would have wished for.

You see, I love my husband very much and I thought I would be spending my dying days with him, but now it is possible that I may not and the thought needs to grow on me and I need to get used to the idea. The wine is again giving me Dutch courage, but I am waiting for a prescription from my psychiatrist for a stronger tranquilizer that will prevent me from falling apart and going to pieces completely. Don’t tell me there is no courage to be found in wine! If I drink it at a steady rate, I find just enough courage for me to be able to say that I am doing just fine, thank you.

We saw my SPN this morning and she encouraged Eduard to be completely honest and say the things that needed to be said and not the things that he thought I wanted to hear. Well, he certainly took her up on that. And you know what I did? I physically attacked him! I beat him with my fists and called him names and the SPN had to interfere and call me to order. The side of my hand and my pinkie still hurt. All my anger came out in a huge rage. Well, really! Such anger and hurt came out and why oh why do you think it did?

Well, it is Tuesday afternoon 12:45 pm now and I am completely calmed down. I talked to both my sisters and it is actually my older sister who gave me the best advice. She of the calm and sensible attitude, who doesn’t let herself be swept away by emotions. I told her every time I am, I will call her and if that was okay with her and she said, of course! It is good to have sisters to talk to, especially the kind that keep their heads on straight when drama is happening.

Eduard is at work now, but will be home at 3 pm. He wants to talk and I am ready. I am as cool as a cucumber. I cried all the way home from the therapist’s office. I didn’t care who saw me, I had a pocket full of tissues and bawled my eyes out. Tears ran down my face and dropped on the asphalt. I nearly got run down by traffic, because I was senseless off. I didn’t care.

Jesker was very upset when I came home crying. He didn’t know what to make of it and I gave him a treat and he very quietly went off to eat it, but then he kept looking at me as though he knew something was wrong. I said, “It’s you and me and the cats, kid.”

Well, that’s all I’ve got to say for now. This will be a running commentary. I will add more to this later. When I have hopefully had my tranquilizers. A little ciao for now…

It is now Wednesday morning and I have just gotten up. I am stone sober and have not had a drink since 1:30 pm yesterday afternoon. Instead of giving me a new tranquilizer, my psychiatrist has tripled the amount I was already taken and I can quadruple the dose if I want to and feel the need to. So far, it is helping me a lot and I feel a lot calmer. It is also helping me sleep a lot better, which I am always very grateful for. I fell asleep very early yesterday evening and was out like a light in no time at all without me remembering reading my book even.

Eduard has one of his first appointments with my psychiatrist for his own benefit this afternoon. Hopefully, a lot of good will come out of these talks and Eduard will be able to get everything straightened out in his head that he is now concerned about. I can’t discuss what is happening with Eduard and his feelings too much here as this is my blog about my feelings and I don’t want to expose him and his feelings and thoughts, unless he specifically tells me I can.

We did spent some real quality time together yesterday, so it is not as if we are only spending time in strive with each other. I, for one, have a great need to feel his nearness and hear his words and be hugged and comforted by him. You must remember, that in spite of everything, he is my best friend and my lover. At times I feel great anger, but I also feel great love. Eduard is the love of my life, in spite of the fact that I have been badly hurt by him.

We will see what I normally call wonderful Wednesday will bring us. I am hoping for peace and serenity and lots of positive things, but you never know. Life is fickle and continues to throw you curve balls. I need to get good at catching those, let alone hitting them out of the ballpark. I suppose I will equate life to a baseball game and I am at bat and I need not to be struck out and try and make it to first base. That will be where my sanity lies then. And that is how I will go around the bases until I get to home base. It may be a long game, or it may be over quickly, we will see. I am all of my runners and all of the people at bat and Eduard is throwing me the curve balls.

It seems the winter weather is finally leaving us. A few days ago, it actually snowed just a little bit and it hailed, but all day yesterday the sun was out and it wasn’t very cold out. The weatherman says that the temperatures will be slowly rising and before you know it, we will be able to go out in our summer jackets. That is, if I still have one. I will have to look on the coat rack and see what is still there. I think everything I had was too big and I had gotten rid of it, so I may have to go out and buy something new. Woe is me!

Miss Understood was so kind as to give me the Attitude With A Gratitude Award back yesterday in her comment, so I am adding that to my sidebar today. So thank you, Miss Understood! I appreciate the gesture. It is nice to get back something you have stolen and have been handing out so freely, but Cath from Crazy Cath’s Reflections says it would have come our way anyway, I should have just been patient. So Cath, maybe you can make it official yet.

I think that on Friday, Eduard and I will go downtown and I want to go to the chapel and light a tall candle and have a word with my Higher Being. It has been awhile and I think we must have ourselves a bit of communication to retrieve some of our old feelings that we shared last year. I need to get across that I appreciate the Good and learn my lessons from the Lesser Good, if that is at all the purpose of them, I don’t know, because the ways of the Higher Being are a mystery to me. I don’t believe in Punishment, I do believe in Lessons Learned and not repeating them in the future. If I must go on the road less traveled, I need some guidance along the way and I am hoping to find it in the chapel by the beautiful statue of Maria and the Child, whom I always see as the personification of Mother Earth.


Right, those are my words for today. Courage I must have above all other things, and serenity.

In spite of all things, I wish you a wonderful Wednesday, in which you find many things to be grateful for and which will be a day to remember as being an especially good day.

Ciao…

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Le Repos, Picasso.





I’ve just woken up from my morning nap and I have to grab the bull by the horns and write while I am still filled with good feelings and tender hope, as I always am when I just wake up. I can’t write this fast enough and also take sips of my huge mug of coffee and drags of my cigarette, but I must not become neurotic and think I am not going to make it at all and go down with the ship.

Early this morning I visited all of those blogs that I do and tried to leave many witty comments until I ran out of steam and had to go back to bed. It was a lot of fun while it lasted. I read so many blogs now that it takes me hours to get through them and leave comments too, so sometimes I have to do it in shifts, as it is becoming a regular part time job. I would like to get paid by the hour or by the blog, but I don’t see anything that fortunate happening in my future, so I just read them for my enjoyment and for the humor and wisdom that I get out of them. Soon I shall share more of these with you that I have found recently, but today I must rush on and not make any long stops.

I have been raiding my sister’s book case and reading thrillers from her large selection thereof. I never realized that she was such a reader of thrillers, but now she has me completely hooked also. Eduard went over there last night to return some books that I had finished and came back with three very hefty ones by a Swedish author, one of which I have started to read last night. I have decided that I like thrillers very much, while it is usually not a genre that I read, but now they really hold my attention and I find myself turning the pages eagerly, anticipating the final ending and the solution of the case. Such entertainment and suspense if it is well written.

Eduard is also going to the library today to pick up some books by Joyce Carol Oates, as they have several of hers and I can only hope that they are as good as the one that I recently read and enjoyed so much. Writers can be funny and fickle and write something completely different than what you had anticipated and not at all what you wanted. So we will see and hope it is all as wonderful and worthy as the one I read. I feel especially hungry for books right now and I am devouring them while I make myself comfortable many times a day in the bedroom with my coffee and my cigarettes, as I have decided that this is the place I like to be best.

Lest you think that that is all I do, you are almost right, but I do do some small household chores, at least the ones that cause me minimal amounts of stress and are pleasant to do and do not make me feel like a little heap of frustrated human being. I like washing the dishes and I like doing the laundry and I also like taking care of the animals and making sure their dishes are clean and filled. Those are the kind of jobs I can handle easily and that do not cause me to have heart palpitations and break out in a cold sweat. I leave the more complicated stuff for Eduard to do, or it doesn’t happen at all for now and I just don’t care, as there is always a tomorrow and an end to the present situation and we will see where this all ends up.

Rushing on from one subject to the next, while not neglecting my coffee and my cigarettes, I can tell you that visiting blogs in the wee hours of the morning is a very nice thing to do. Some people update their blog every day and those are the most interesting, of course, requiring you to leave comments and having a good think about what you are going to comment about. Depending on the blog, you have to be humorous or serious or caring or compassionate. There are so many kinds of feelings out there and so many kinds of stories and I read them all. I find that I can do this in the middle of the night and not become all befuddled and confused, unless it starts to be breakfast time and I get the sense that the real day is starting, bringing its real issues with it and its real essentials.

Sometimes, when I have the courage, I turn the computer on during the day and check the blogs that I had not got around to during the wee hours of the morning. I find that my attitude is a lot different then and I am not as astute and sharp minded as I am during the night. Daytime befuddles me, no doubt, and makes me a different observer and a different commenter. I am much more careful and guarded and I don’t think I am nearly as funny, which is true, because I don’t feel funny at all during the day. It is only during a few hours in the night that I am anxiety free and I feel that there is no big brown bear sitting on my chest causing me to have difficulties breathing freely.

Woe is me, now my coffee has run out and so have my cigarettes and I feel that I am running out of steam also and my hands are starting to move over the keyboard a bit more slowly, so it is time to stop. I wrote and wrote and then I reached my destination which is wishing you all a good day and many pleasant blogging hours and all the good feelings that come with it. So, ciao…

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Trash Images number 1.





I hate rapid cycling! I absolutely and totally hate it! It happened to me again yesterday afternoon and I will never get used to it and I will never accept that this is part of my life, though I know that I must. Out of the blue, I fell into the pit of deep dark despair and all I could do was wait for my medication to start working and for me to climb out of the pit again. There was nothing I could do, nothing to take my mind off of it, nothing to lessen the impact. I just had to go though it and wait for it to be over.

I can imagine that someone who doesn’t know what is happening to him, will think he is going absolutely crazy and be filled with horror at this sudden switch of mood. I know what is happening to me and yet I suffer. It gets so bad that I have visions of myself committing suicide, even though I know I will not do that, because I know that my state of mind is temporary and that I will feel differently after a certain amount of time has passed. Imagine being stuck in that state of mind and not climbing out of it again. And then, suddenly, it is over and I am “normal” again and I can function and not sit curled up on the sofa waiting for the world to collapse around me.

I am sure that the Oxazepam is helping me a lot, because I am taking quite a hefty dose of it. I don’t feel drugged, though, and I function fine on it, where a month ago that same dose had me asleep on the sofa. That shows you the state of my nerves.

Well, I don’t know what went wrong yesterday. I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary and kept myself strictly to my schedule. I didn’t sleep in the afternoon and maybe that is what went wrong, maybe I needed that sleep, but I was reading a very exciting thriller and couldn’t wait to finish it. I was in bed, but sort of half sitting up with a bunch of pillows behind me and my decaf coffee and cigarettes handy. So it wasn’t really down time.

Every day I am reinventing the wheel. Every day I have to have a talk with myself and set myself straight on a couple of things. Every day day I need to make sure that my head is screwed on right. Every day I have to find the same answers to the same questions, only there are tiny variations in them all the time. Every day I learn each lesson anew. Every day I am brave and some days I am sick and tired of it.

If I must live like a hermit, I will live like a hermit. If I must shelter myself, than I will. I will do whatever it takes not to have rapid mood changes. I don’t want to be hypo manic and I don’t want to be depressed. I just want to be. That’s all.

Well, now that I got that off my chest I suppose you all want something light hearted and amusing, but I don’t know if I have it in me.

All the animals have been by to greet me, but Eduard is still sound asleep. Eduard changed the sheets on the bed last night without letting me know that he was doing that. I was watching TV and not paying attention in the least. I realized he was not in the living room, but I didn’t wonder where he was instead. Then he walked in with a big grin on his face and said that he had changed the bed and he knows how much I like to go to sleep in a clean bed. Isn’t he a peach? I will never give him up, of course. Hoards of women may try and abduct him, but I will fight them tooth and nail until my last breath.

Well, I am keeping it kind of short today. I need to take my medicines now and eat breakfast and go back to bed for some more sleep. I was up very early and I don’t want to upset the schedule too much.

Have yourself a lovely Sunday. Be true to yourself in all that you do. Ciao…

P.S. I can’t find the original photograph, but it was one of trash laying about in the street after open air market day.

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Fruit Boxes.





I got up a few times during the night, each time thinking very optimistically that I was truly awake and settling myself behind the computer, only to find myself nodding off to the point that I had to hurry back to bed to sleep a while longer. This time, however, I think I am really awake and I have made myself a large mug of Senseo and I am smoking my first cigarette of the morning. These are the small pleasures that make getting up so enjoyable, at least when you are really and truly awake and not in danger of setting fire to yourself and your nice red bathrobe.

I am becoming quite proficient at sleeping, when before I had such a hard time doing it. I’ve come to love going to bed with a good book and getting all snug under the duvet and reading for a while. Within a short amount of time I fall asleep and stay asleep, except for those moments when I wake up and out of habit get up when I should just stay in bed and read my book for a little while. That’s the stubborn mule in me, no doubt, being all cheerful and full of good intentions in the middle of the night, thinking I am going to do all sorts of things but sleep.

Now it is morning and I am the first one up. Jesker and Eduard are asleep in the bedroom and I don’t see the cats, so they are probably piled on top of the bed as well.

I am full of anticipation of the day, as my psychiatrist has increased my dosage of Oxazepam from 10 mg to 25 mg and I hope it will give me the peace and quiet I am so desperately seeking. I am still allowed my naps during the day and as a matter of fact, am allowed to withdraw to the bedroom with a book whenever things become overwhelming. I think this is a good strategy, because it works and it is so nice to know that there is a safe place to take a time out.

Yesterday, I was full of good intentions and said to Eduard that I was going to vacuum the whole apartment. Then I kept putting it off by doing other little jobs and it was obvious that I was not going to vacuum. So Eduard, being the good sport that he is, took the vacuum cleaner out of the closet and vacuumed the whole apartment for me. I was ever so grateful, because it really needed to get done and I had been putting it off as a job that was too complicated and one that would cause me all sorts of stress. He did a really great job and even vacuumed under the bed. That was over and beyond the call of duty, because I don’t vacuum there myself. He’s a peach.

My schedule is sort of funny now and I don’t have a steady time when I read all those blogs that I do. Whenever I have a spare moment and I am in the proper mood, I sit down behind the computer and start reading. I read until I am saturated and turn the computer off and go and do something else. As a matter of fact, I have decided not to stick to closely to any sort of schedule at all, but just a general one where I take my medicines on time and sleep at night, but all the other hours I fill as I need them to be filled. Whatever my mood dictates at any particular time, I do. If I need rest, I rest, if I need to be active, I am active.

When I called my SPN yesterday to ask for help, she contacted my psychiatrist and I thought, in my panicky mind, that they were going to suggest that I go to the hospital to be observed and treated. I already had visions of myself packing my bags and making the short trip over there. Not that I wanted to go there, but I thought maybe that was the only solution. I was very relieved when she called back and told me that I could just increase my medication. If it is at all possible, I want to manage at home and not be cared for at the hospital, even though that is not such a horrible place to be.

Well, I am going to see what the day has in store for me now. I will take my medicines and have another mug of coffee and contemplate my navel for a while. In a short time, Jesker and Eduard will be up and then it will not be so quiet here anymore.

Have a terrific day, everybody. Ciao…

P.S. I have been awarded the “You Make My Day Award” again by John of typos.daylight.fate and I am more than pleasantly surprised by that, as I then realized that I should have awarded him myself in the first place. John makes wonderful digital art on his blog and isn’t afraid to push things to the limit and beyond. If you haven’t visited him yet, I suggest you go over there and have a look and see what his work is all about. Thank you, John.

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Charley Toorop





I have to pick the right moment of the day to write these posts. My moods are swinging like a tender young tree in a storm. I go from being perfectly okay to not being okay at all, and this happens very rapidly without warning. One minute I sit and find myself surrounded by serenity and the next minute all is in turmoil and strive. It seems to be getting worse instead of better and that does concern me, as I can’t find out what triggers the change.

So far, going to bed and sleeping has been the solution, but I see that I will be going to bed and sleeping more often than twice a day at this rate. It is wonderful, however, to wake up and feel perfectly fine again and have that peaceful feeling back.

Yesterday afternoon I had my appointment with my SPN at three o’clock in the afternoon, which is usually a time when my mood takes a swing for the worse. I thought I might be spared this, being in her presence and feeling safe with her and all that, but I am afraid that was not true. While talking to her I fell into the depths of despair and could only cry and express my feelings of doom and futility and somberness, while all the while I knew it was my mood speaking and if it had been another time of the day, I would have said totally different things.

She send me home early, to take an Oxazepam and crawl into bed and we made a new appointment for a time of the day when I hopefully will be in an upward swing. Having these kinds of mood swings is called ultra rapid cycling, but because it has a name, it doesn’t make me any happier. It is so frustrating and tiring that I would gladly trade it for something else all together. A good bout of the flu, for example, or a broken leg.

Anyway, I am sitting here now and I should be asleep, but I was awakened by the outside doorbell and when I answered the intercom there was nobody there, which was very frustrating. It was probably a kid on his way to school having some fun. Of course, Jesker starts barking something awful when the doorbell rings as he thinks it is his job to protect us from anyone who enters the building.

I wonder if it is okay not to feel kindly towards the world and only care about yourself and the people you love. When you have no spare room in your heart for mankind and your only concern is with yourself and those dear to you, because that is how I feel right now. I feel I have no patience with and compassion for other people. It is like the well has run dry. Maybe this is just a momentary set back in my usual compassionate self, but I see it as a survival strategy where all my energy has to go to what is close to me and nothing can be wasted or spared.

It must be that way in times of famine, when you feed yourself and your loved ones first and you hoard what little you have and guard over it carefully. You become vigilant and on the look out for scavengers who will want to steal what little you have. That is pretty much my attitude right now.

I know that I will get over this, because by nature I am a generous person. Just right now I am not and I care not what the rest of the world is doing and what sort of tales of mishap and unrest it will bring me, because I am deaf to it. Or to put it more accurately I see it, I hear it and I forget it.

The following is a quote I borrowed from Kris Cahill whose blog I read every day. “Courage is the capacity to move ahead in spite of despair.”

I feel despair very often when my moods swing and I suppose I show a certain amount of courage in that I don’t give up and keep getting up in the morning to face another day of unknown uncertainties. The other option is to give up and stay in bed and to never get up again or to go to sleep forever. I think there must be a lot of people who show courage in spite of despair. I bet the world is filled with them, because the world is filled with places of despair. Where despair is maybe the only certainty.

I very often feel like the cowardly lion who is afraid of coming out of his den and facing the world. I often think I choose the easy way and that I am not that courageous at all. But then I think of how often I am scared out of my wits and how afraid I am of my own moods and I know that I am not like that cowardly lion at all and that I do carry my particular load or burden, as you may call it. Very few people go unburdened and all of us need courage to some degree.

My search is for serenity, just as Buddhist monks search for theirs through meditation. I have days when I achieve that for a few hours at the time. I am very grateful for those moments and I wouldn’t miss them for the world. It is a fragile state of being and quickly upset. It is very delicate, but also very valuable.

I don’t know if that is my mission in life, to achieve those hours of serenity. It seems so selfish, because I can’t share it with anyone else. I have no other mission in life but to be free of mood swings. Fate has given me manic depression as my particular burden and it is my task to lessen the weight of the burden as much as possible. That is my life’s task. I hope to become so proficient that I will have the energy to be useful in other ways also. Time will tell.

All of this comes back to the question of the Creator and if there is such an entity and if there is, why it lets us suffer so. Do I approach the Creator in my moments of serenity and are we furthest removed when we are at war? You would think that this Creator would have left clearer instructions for us to live by than the Written Word, because as it is now, we fight over it.

Well, enough philosophizing. Since I am up, I need to do some much neglected housework before my mood swings around.

Have a great day and have lots of courage in all the things you do. Ciao…

P.S. I just found out that I have been awarded the “You Make My Day Award” by Kris Cahill. Needless to say, I am thrilled to bits and especially on this day, it is a very welcome award. I will soon bestow this award on people who make my day a special day.

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