Bloody awful, I say.

I’m so bloody tired and I haven’t done enough to warrant it at all, so where does that leave me with my good behavior? Up the chimney, I would say. Tired and no excuse for it and longing to lay in a sweet meadow filled with four leaf clovers and other good luck greenery and lots of wild flowers to adorn my weary head. Oh yes, and for good measure, a gentle meandering brook with super fresh water to quench my thirst after I have finished off the bottle of cold white wine that I happen to have with me. The Überhund is there too, frolicking in the tall grass, chasing butterflies and being droll.

Ach, such fantasies are permissable when you get to be my age, it’s all doddery and senility from now on and foolish old woman talk. Which still leaves me tired from I don’t know what and how did this day get started in the first place anyway? Well, let’s look back…

It started with me almost forgetting that I had an appointment with my SPN. She had been on vacation and I had gotten so used to her being gone, that I had forgotten that she was back. AT 8 AM I thought, “Wait a minute, I am supposed to be somewhere at 9 AM.” Quick dramatic flurries of activities ensued, with me  making sure I looked great in the least amount of time, because I never leave the house for anything important unless I am put together well. I have to look good and smell good and have great hair before I go anywhere important. Luckily, I am very practised at this and I know how to do it in a hurry and have that casually put together, blown by a little bit of wind look. I tell you, man, I have to be able to meet the queen at a moment’s notice and look good enough. She has ‘able to withstand hurricane hair’ herself.

So, I had a very productive meeting with my SPN in which we talked about a lot of sensible things and made some headway in understanding where I am in my head nowadays. Which is basically in a very good place, so my next appointment isn’t until 3 weeks from now. I think we are both mighty pleased with the state of things.

Then I went to the big drugstore, because the Exfactor had given me a gift certificate and I wanted to spend that on food supplements. I got a big bottle of  Omega 3 capsules and a bottle of Kelp tablets, which are also good for your metabolism, and some other odds and ends. I now have 5 bottles of vitamins and supplements and some of those pills are big suckers and I worry about getting them down, but somehow I do. I am very brave that way.

I do love the way I so casualy hop on my bike and race from point A to point B as if it is no problem at all and no obstacle stands in my way. I hardly slow down for an uphill slant or a round about. It’s all a piece of cake.

Then I went to the pharmacy to pick up a supply of ‘feel good pills’ and fully supplied, I went home again, where the Überhund greeted me as if I had been gone on a Northpole expidition and was very disappointed when he found out that I didn’t bring home anything ‘good’ to eat. Good as in pudding with berry sauce, but I have sworn that off.

I took him for a walk, because after a certain point I had to stay home and wait for the delivery of my tunic and duvet cover. When they arrived, I tore off my clothes to try on the tunic and found out that it fit, but it fit just a bit snugly for my taste and it needs a lose garment to go over it like a cute little three buttoned vest in black that I just happened to find on line and that will get here on Thursday and will make the outfit complete. The tunic is very pretty and ever so nicely made and it looks very pretty, it just shows my tummy a little bit too much, so 5 kilos later it will look better by itself.

The duvet cover caused a whole bed change, of course, and I will go to sleep with clean sheets tonight. I would have liked to wash the duvet cover first, but I was too impatient and wanted it on there right away, I will wash it after a few nights when I change the bottom sheet and pillow cases again. I drool while I sleep, I kid you not.

I paid bills, which is like taking a rib from my body, because I makes my bank account shrivel quickly and the month isn’t over yet, which leaves me down to couting euro’s and how far I can make them go.

I did laundry and washed the dishes and wiped dog and cat hair of furniture, which is a never ending battle when your furniture is black. I think at night the dust fairies come with their little bags of dust and sprinkle a a light dusting all over the smooth black surfaces and the animals do the rest. They are in cahoots.Trust your animals to have strong bond with the creatures of the nether world.

It’s impossible to come to terms with the day. It wasn’t a good day and it wasn’t a bad day. It was just an ordinary hausfrau day. Well, you have to have days like that too, I suppose, although I like a bit more excitement in mine, ot am I forgetting something? No, no handsome man came to the door, I wasn’t swept of my feet, I didn’t dance the tango at noon, I didn’t go to a den of sin and debauchery. So, I guess it was just an ordinary day then.

It seems to me that ordinary people should have little escape clauses written in to their existance descriptions. That every day, for one hour, they get to debauch without dire consequences. Get drunk, smoke pot, have a torrid affair, have group sex, dine romantically with Rudolf Valentino, make love to Cary Grant and then, floops, they are back into their normal life again without any hangovers or social diseases. Oh, such heady stuff. Could we handle it?

Well, after such wishfull thinking, I can only hope that Harrison Ford shows up witha flat tire in front of my aprtment one of these days, but in the meantime, I am going to get into my pajamas for my regular eveing of relaxationa and fun in front of the dummy box and wach the news and see which country is getting hit by which hurricane tonight and not watch any news on John McCain and his token female vice presidential ‘candidate’ who makes me laugh, although she is a bit scary.

Right then, off I go. Tell no fibs, tell it like it is, bigger and better than life.




I am completely discombobulated for no really obvious reason on its own, but just as a combination of small ingredients that all have added up to what has been my perfect rush by day that has not ended yet. Somehow I have to get back to earth and calm my brain down and be a mellow woman who is soothed back into a quiet place.

I guess the thing that really disturbed me the most today is, that my sister told me that my niece’s English teacher is an ‘America basher’ and a ‘conspiracy theorist’ and he is taking the opportunity to tell his students all the familiar theories about there not really having been any men on the moon, and that the government was behind 9/11 and placed dynamite in the World Trade Center towers and that there are UFO’s in Area 49. Basically he is starting them down the path of everything conspiracy theorists believe in and we think this is just the beginning.The children have to make their homework about these subjects.

My sister and I are outraged about this and are planning a course of action, which involves going to the head of the school to make an official complaint and stating that the man is unqualified to teach impressionable teenagers. None of the other parents seem to see the danger and some of the children are already becoming persuaded by his arguments.

If I were a dragon, I would be spewing fire from my nostrils just now. His partner teaches English at that school also and tells the kids that American English is just a bastardized form of proper English, which the children learn to speak, they speak Oxford English and American English is frowned upon quite heavily.

I do not like people like this and think they are dangerous to have around children. That’s all I’ll say about it. Bah humbug!

This morning I went to my creative therapy class and managed to finish my collages. Some of them took as many as 7 color washes before I was happy with them. I got the hang of it after a while, getting the right thinness of paint, getting it almost opaque. I am quite pleased with the outcome and now that I sort of know what I am doing, I am ready for the next project, which will probably be a painting, but maybe a mixed media collage. I have to think about it long and hard. I’ll have to put my thinking cap on. I like the effect of the scraped away images and people commented on them the most, besides the text, of course.

My sister kept complaining that the Überhund smelled bad, so today we took him to the doggy trimster where he got a cut and a bath and he looks splendid, but when we got him back in the car, my sister said that he still smelled bad and I thought that it could only be his breath then, but he had his teeth cleaned in March. I don’t smell it, of course, because I am around him all the time. So, this evening I took him to the vet and the vet had a look at his teeth and said there was enough plaque build up there for a year, therefor his bad breath. He figures it was because of his old dog food that was too soft for him to eat, and I very proudly told him that I just switched brands and that this kind should be better. It’s harder to chew.

So, on Wednesday at 2 PM the Überhund is going in to have his teeth cleaned again. I also got him another 2 months worth of pills for his osteoarthritis which is helping him so much.

In between everything, I tried to bring some order to the apartment, but I did not get a lot done. I had palnned to buy a new shower curtain, but couldn’t find one quick enough when I was at the department store the other day, so I decided to wash the one I had in the washing machine and much to my amazement, it came out looking brand spanking new, so that problem is solved. The bathroom is tiled halfway up allaround and to the top where the shower is and I need to scrub the tiles really well, so that’s another job waiting for me. I do love it so much.

I have decided to be brave and weed the flower beds and in between the tiles to make the patio a little bit more attractive and to cut back the jasmine which is taking over everything. I’ll make some room for that strange bush that is growing there. My sister is convinced that I can make it an attractive place to sit and commune with nature. We’ll see.

The Überhund is giving me those looks again of, “I want you to take me out now,” So I suppose that’s wat I’ll do now. Did I tell you that I sort have my eye on our vet in a very innocent way. I think he is married, but I always make sure I look good when I go there. I like to flabbergast him.


Whatever I want.

Since it is my birthday and since it is Sunday and since I live alone, I wasted the whole afternoon very enjoyably making a very large playlist on Deezer of mostly women artists. For some reason, by some twist of fate, I kept running into very good women arists, so I had a field day. I almost couldn’t keep up with myself and there was nobody here to say, “Irene, why are you wasting your whole afternoon doing this?” Oh, isn’t it lovely? In the meantime the phone kept ringing with people calling to wish me a happy birthday, which was nice, because I never knew who was on the line when I picked up the phone, so it was a surprise every time. I didn’t recognize the numbers quickly enough, because I answered the phone too fast. That’s how eager I was. It’s so nice to get so many phone calls.

The Exfactor and my sister came over this morning and they had joined forces and bought me a big bottle of Chanel no 5 eau de parfum. I was so happy with that, I just love and adore that scent and I haven’t had any for a long time. I love the way it lingers on my clothes too. I had asked for eau de toilette, but they said I deserved better. How sweet of them and so generous and my oldest sister sent me enough money to pay for the new clothes that I ordered on line yesterday, so that worked out very well. She is also always very generous and I am thrilled to pieces.

I would say that I had a very good birthday even though I didn’t give a party. I had considered it, but decided against it and keep it nice and quiet. You will possibly remember that I had two birthday parties last year and that a week later I found out that the Exfactor was in love with the Paramount. Next year I will be in the mood to give a real party again and drink a bottle of white wine.

I am going to keep this short, because it is my birthday and I want to sit cosily by the corner lamp in which I just placed an energy saving light bulb. It does make a difference in the room for atmosphere with that light burning. I have to cuddle the Überhund for a while and pet some cats, because I have been very preoccupied today.

Have a good rest of the Sunday.


Full of it.

I had two pieces of toast early this morning and it is now almost 1 PM and I still feel very full, as a matter of fact, I am burping, so that gastric band is really doing its job. Usually, around this time, I would have been eating again, but I don’t feel like it yet. Even the vitamin pills that I took this morning made me feel full, well, they were quite a handfull. That reminds me that I have to look for Omega 3 capsules, because they are supposed to be good for whatever ails you and I do want to add them to the supplements I take. I also want to be taking those kelp tablets again as a supplement to my thyroid medication. You see, I am on a real health kick. I’ve got all my bottles neatly lined up on the kitchen windowsil, next to the Überhund’s pills, so I don’t forget to take them.

Just now, out of the blue, and anticipating some money I will get for my birthday, I ordered a new tunic on line and some ankle boots. They were both very reasonably priced, so I don’t feel all that bad, and it is my birthday and it made me happy. Happy people live longer, I’m convinced of it, so do people who look good. The better looking you are, the longer you live, it’s a theory I have that anyone can shoot holes through without any effort, I know. I need my fantasies, don’t I?

I’ve done the grocery shopping and bought the Überhund some reatively expensive dog food especially for older dogs. He had not been eating well lately and I worried about him getting all his vitamins and minerals. So, I brought this food home and put some in his dish and he ate most of it, so he seems to like it. Which is another relief, because about dog food, he is a picky eater. This stuff is called Benifull, I don’t know if any of you have ever heard of it. It is a no nonsense dog food without all the colors and shapes. The same as the food that the cats are getting now. The colors and shapes are there only for us humans, after all.

I vacuumed the kitchen and the living room and the hallway and the sofa and the chairs. I bet I have to do it again tomorrow before the Exfactor and my sister come.  I bought them each a pastry, but I got none for me. I figure I can’t eat that and I don’t need it anyway. I did buy a container of fresh juice, so that is different than the soda I usually buy. More calories too. I am trying to be very conscious about my health and what little I eat, has to be healthy. That’s why I buy the really good bread and not the factory bread and the margarine with the good start vitamins in it. It’s a bit more expensive, but then I eat so little that I can afford it.

The thing I don’t eat anymore is eggs. For some reason they don’t agree with me and i always end up upchucking them, the same with cheese, I can’t eat that either. I can eat yogurt and curd, lovely with fruit in them and then the non fat kind. I sure am lucky that I live in the dairy country, there is a infinite choice of dairy products and varieties, although there probably is all over Western Europe.

I always make a list before I go to the store and stick to it, otherwise there is too much temptation to buy other things as well, like those little containers of potato salad that I like so well, or the chocolate mousse. I must stick to the shopping list and if I want to cheat, I have to write it on the shopping list beforehand, otherwise I don’t get it. There will not be much cheating now. My stomach feels so full.

Anyway, I don’t do much impulse buying. Very rarely do I buy something that is not on the list and I very rarely let myself buy something that is advertised and that I was not plannning on buying, unless it is something I know I will use in the very near future. Like the cleansing towelettes for my face that I bought this week that were on sale. That is an exception. I am probably a rotten client for the supermarket, but I am steady. I do tend to buy products that are on sale if I was planning on buying some of that already, like dishwashing liquid. If the expensive stuff is on sale, I buy that. I don’t buy cheap items just because they are cheap, many times they are inferior and you get a bad product. Like hairspray, for instance. I bought the cheap one once and regretted it very much, because my hair was like a sticky bunch of spiderwebs.

I just took the Überhund for a walk and he was his usual scrounging street dog self again. Anything that was even remotely edible ended up in his mouth from where I can not dislodge it.  I don’t even try anymore. It is a lost battle for me, he suffers the consequences, except that he doesn’t seem to put two and two together. His instincts are lost to him. Dumb dog.

I saw the strangest woman.  She looked like a stereo typical gypsy woman and she had a small child with her. She even wore those kinds of clothes and had the skin color and the black hair done up in a lose bun and a weather beaten face. It looked like she was a character out of another time, that’s how much she stood out. I was quite startled, because you don’t see many real gypsies around here and she was so very much like one. She had a cigarette dangling from her mouth and she seems a bit uncouth as if she had a chip on her shoulder. She may have been Rumanian. They have a tough life and can’t seem to assimilate, but I can’t figure out what she was doing here. It’s a puzzlement. When I came back, she was gone. Another mystery for Miss Marple.

One streets over, they are having a block party. The street is blocked off and a big party tent has been put up. Various cables lead to the tent and I saw a big barbecue. That should be fun. You see a lot of streets organize these kinds of things. I don’t see our street doing it. We are not cohesive enough. We’re only on saying hello terms.

For some reason my spell check has stopped working and if I do want to double check a word, it gives me a Ducth option, even though I have my language settings in English. It also does this in comments on Blogger and on facebook. Something screwy going on. We are now in the Twilight Zone.

I have two scabs on my left arm that I keep pulling off, not allowing them to heal. It’s a nervous habit that I have. Every time there is a scab, I pull it off and the whole process has to start all over again. I am trying not to do it, but it almost is like an automism, I have to do it. I like pulling off scabs. This way I always look like the walking wounded and people always ask what I have done to my arm, when it is realy nothing at all. I must stop doing that.

I haven’t put my face on yet and went to the store with a bare naked face. Sometimes it is nice not to bother with your make up for awhile. I am going to check in my closet to see what I am going to wear, because what I have on now, I was wearing yesterday and I need some excitement in my life. Pick out a different necklace too. You never know which jehova witness is going to show up at the door.

I think I will go do that now and clean the bathroom. I almost can’t stand the excitement in my life. I could have gone into town today, but it is too much effort and it will be busy and I will have to walk over the heads of the tourists. Oh, those ankle boots I ordered are so cute, but I don’t get them until next week. That’s a long wait when you are impatient.

I just got a card from my oldest sister witha large gift of money in it. That will take ample care of the clothes I ordered. See how it all works out?

Have a good one.


I did it!

I wrote that one letter of objection that I thought was going to be the hardest one and that I was putting off until last, but I had written it in my head quite a few times already, so when the time came to sit down and write it, it went quite easily. I sat down and wrote it in long hand first and then typed it and referred to the attachments that I had numbered and I think it all was rather comprehensive and understandable. It is very important to back up your statements with the right documentation, so I made sure I included everything I could think off. I have visited the copier in the grocery store quite a few times now this week. I have just about used up all my nickels and dimes.

It’s a relief to get it all done and now I have to wait for the various outcomes. I feel like a little person fighting the big system with every bit of arsenal I’ve got. I’ve got to try and do my best, though. If I don’t do it, I’ll forever regret it.

This morning I went and had my gastric band filled some more. I took the bus to the hospital, which takes all of 8 minutes including all the stops it makes. I like taking the bus, because there is a big bridge across the railroad tracks I would have to take if I went by bike and I’m not quite up to it. The bus is an enjoyable way to travel, because you get to people watch, which is one of my hobbies. I like it when there are little kids on the bus, because they provide some comic relief and grab everyone’s attention with their sweet little faces and their shenanigans.

Now I can eat a little less than I did before, which is good and the whole purpose of it. I just had toast and I am very full. I had cup a soup earlier and it had the same effect. I won’t be able to eat that pudding with berry sauce anymore, but that is good. That was cheating anyway. For a person who used to get such joy out of eating, this certainly is a very different life style.

On Sunday it’s my birthday. I will be 54 years old. The Exfactor and my sister are coming over in the morning for coffee and pie. The Exfactor send a card in the mail that I got today, but I’m not allowed to open it until Sunday. It’s a thick card, it feels like there is something in it. It is very hard not to open it, but I’ll be good.

My sister’s husband is moving out this Saturday. They have made arrangements for when he has the children. My sister can’t wait for him to move out, every hour that he is still there is one too many. She has finally gotten over her adoration of him and it is about time. It was not normal the way she looked up to him and the way he treated her. Now all of us sisters will be single and we will all be emancipated women, although my oldest sister is not so by choice. Still, she finds herself to be very emancipated and that is the good part. Somewhow, comng from the dysfunctional family that we did, we do all manage okay on our own and are not helpless females, even though some of us started out that way in our late teens – early twenties.

I just took the Überhund for a walk. Without me noticing it, it had rained again, just a short shower, and evrything was nice and fresh. I had to cut back the jasmine that I planted in the pot, to the part where there were new little leaves growing, so it lookes kind of puny right now, but I am full of hope. Close to our house, a weed filled piece of land was cleared and smoothed out and grass seed was sprinkled on it and now little blades of grass are popping up out of the ground. It is an amazing thing. You think nothing will come of it, but somehow it does. We are very lucky to live in a neighborhood with lots of open spaces with grass and trees, although I do notice that the clover and the dandelions take over most of the grassy areas.

It’s oh so silent here. There is hardlly a sound coming in from outside. Thank goodness that this is a quiet neighborhood. The teenagers next door get kind of rowdy sometimes, but just very briefly and not at night. The boy thinks he is quite a guitar player and he has an electric one with an amplifier  that he turns up every once in a while. He just doesn’t quite have the talent. It’s all a lot of noise and he’ll never play for Linkin Park. The girl has a good voice and is pleasant to listen to.

Well, it’s pajama time again, and toast time and TV time. Tomorrow I will sleep late, hah, watch me do it until 7 AM and that’s it.

Have a great day,


Another Tired Day…

That’s what I should have called this blog, another tired day. I don’t know how I manage to get so beat up at the end of the day, but I always feel like I am a Roman foot soldier who has been out doing a heavy day of traveling and battling and who is looking forward to his place beside the fire on his little bit of blanket with a cup of sour wine.

Well, that certainly lifted my spirits, because my fate is much better than that of that poor foot soldier. I mean, I get that nice comfortable bed with the 4 pillows and the duvet and a glass of hot milk. Bet you that foot soldier would have liked that better also, not to think of the fact that he had to do battle with his short sword and cut people’s limbs off. I’m sure he wanted to do something else all together when he was a little boy. Probably wanted to be a senator when he grew up or a city administrator or a builder of viaducts.

Anyway, as is usual, I am beat and I don’t think it is from physical exertion, but from pure emotional input in that I had to very carefully fill out a 4 page form and write an explanitory letter to go with it and go to the store and make more copies and then send the whole thing off with 11 attachments and I still don’t know if I got it all right. Time will tell, bureaucracy will move its creaky gears and I will get caught in it somewhere without getting my bones crushed, hopefully.

Tomorrow I have to write another very good letter of objection with all the necessary attachments and hope for all the luck in heaven to be at my side. I can only handle one of these things a day, it is impossible to do two of them. I feel such relief when I am finished with one and have put it in the mail. I walk specifically to the nearest mailbox with the Überhund to do that and always hope that I have put enough stamps on the envelope. I want to put in a note that says, “Look here, I am being a good citizen!”

Around 6 PM, I start to slowly sink towards the center of my gravity and all I want to do is lay down somewhere, but I try not to and try to watch the news instead and watch the behind the news program that’s on right after. Tonight they told us to keep an eye on John McCain and not to underestimate him and also that his runningmate is already making herself much beloved by the republicans for the stance she takes against the snooping journalists.

From what I can gather, Obama is not at all secure of his place in the White House and we may just end up with McCain for president. Actually, that wouldn’t surprise me, since we ended up twice with Bush Jr. for president. How’s that for something odd happening? McCain is not nearly as odd as Bush Jr. Notice how I am saying we? As if I am personally involved? Well, I am , darn it. As a citizen of the world, I am. There are actually people in the Netherlands who think McCain would make a good president, but none of them are politicians, because they can’t make such public pronouncements, although we have one woman politician who is a great admirer of Hillary Clinton and kind of fancies that she is like her. She wishes! I won’t even mention her name.

So, I am always beat at 6 PM and I try to stay awake and I don’t sit down on the sofa, but sit by the dining table and watch the TV from there and keep an eye on the street at the same time to see which people go by. I always imagine that if I have to be the witness to the scene of a crime, I have to be able to give a good account of it. You see, I am like Miss marple and always assume something will happen and I keep track of everything. I am especially suspicious of unmarked white vans and odd men in strange combinations of clothing. My neighborhood is my village.

I went to the store and bought some things when I went to make copies. I bought envelopes, which it turned out I didn’t need, because I found a whole bunch of them later, and I didn’t buy cat food, which it turned out I did need. Now they have to finish the box of food they they don’t like as much, but hey, life is rough. To be a cat around here means you have a pretty good life, except for the grumpy dog.

There is a version of Linux called Ubuntu. There is a very comprehensive website where you can download that version, but you can also order the free CD, which is what I did. The website helps you with any questions you have about installation and using it. It takes the CD about a month to get here, so when I get it, I will be carefully reading all the information on the website. Lord only knows what I am letting myself in for. I need to not be so tired all the time when I get ready to install it, that’s for sure. I have to have my witts about me, but it will be fun.

Well, it’s that time of the evening again. Pajama time! Cup a soup time! TV time! Fall asleep on the sofa time!

Have a good evening people. Do all the things my tired body can’t do…run around the block or something. Have sex.


Poop and dung.

When we asked our mother what we were having for dinner when we were kids, she would sometimes answer, “Poop and dung,” and the Exfactor’s mother would add to her kids, “Windowsills with noisy sauce.” Such are the strange things Dutch mothers tell their children in the Netherlands when they are tired of the same old question about what’s for dinner.

Sometimes, when I am very silly and tired and I don’t feel like answering the phone, but I must, I say those things when I answer the phone, regardless of who is on the other line. I pick up the phone and say, “Poop and dung and windowsills with noisy sauce.” So far, it has been someone I know, it has yet to be a stranger and that is not because I have call recogntion, because I don’t even look at the number without my reading glasses on. Sometimes I get hit by silliness and I don’t want to take anything seriously anymore.

I tried to take today seriously, as a matter of fact, my brain was taking things way too seriously and I revolted by doing all the opposite things that it wanted me to do. So instead of bending my frustrated head over a lot of new mail and paperwork, I vacuumed, and instead of filling out forms and gathering paperwork, i did laundry, and instead of writing a letter of objection, I went grocery shopping. I just didn’t want to deal with it today, although I know in my head exactly what I need to do.

Then I didn’t open up outlook express and I didn’t read any blogs and I didn’t go to Facebook. I just didn’t have the energy for it and after dinner, I took a nap on the sofa. I think I am temporarily overwhelmed.

When I woke up from my nap, the Überhund was laying beside me very patiently looking at my feet and my shoes, so I asked him if he wanted me to put my shoes on and he got very excited, so that meant yes. That good old dog, all he wants from me is a walk and that was just what I needed.

I had to deworm him today so he had urgent business and I read the enclosure to the package well and found out that dogs need to be dewormed every 6 months, which is something I didn’t know, because the Exfactor always took care of that. So I wrote it down in my diary and will transfer that information to the new diary that I will get in December. He thought it was great, as he thinks anything from a package is great as it all gets wrapped up in good slices of sausage. The pills for the cats are chewable, but do you think those cats will voluntarily chew those pills? No way. I don’t know what the solution is yet. A karate hold may do it with oven mitts on.

This morning at ergo therapy, three of us had to play three different roles and try to trip up two other people who had no idea of our intentions, they were only told to be on their guard. So, one of us was agressive, the other one was neutral and one was overly nice. That was I, the last one. We did it with paper and paint and we had to act out our roles in paper and paint without talking. Our body language and our manner of painting had to clue them in and their reactions were a clue to how they dealt with these different approaches. I was overly sweet and mushy and one of them handled that well and the other one got quite uncomfortable with it. It was very interesting and it was about bounderies and when you set those and how far you let people go. Can a nice person get away with things? Do you let an aggressive person walk all over you? How do you deal with a neutral, equal person?

I really learn a lot there, although with every task we are told to do, there is a huge resistance on my side to do it that I have to overcome. My first reaction is not to do it, that I can’t do it, that it is impossible for me to do. It is like a fear in myself that I have to fight. Then I go and do it perfectly and I wonder why I had all that resistance. Every time it is the same thing.

I am tired people. It is pajama time. Tomorrow will be paper work day. Face reality day.