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Posts Tagged ‘apartment’

This was going to be a very productive day with me vacuuming and cleaning out the last kitchen cupboard, but somehow it isn’t turning out that sort of day at all. Instead, it is turning into a cozy day at home with the Uberhund and the cats, while outside it rains on and off and the world gets refreshed and very brightly green. I do like cozy days at home and since the day is only half way over yet, all things are possible and I may surprise myself and accomplish a big deed yet. We’ll see how the mood strikes me.

I do like this kind of weather. It makes me feel all safe and comfortable inside my little apartment and with just a few lights on it gives an atmosphere of real coziness. Dutch people are big on coziness, It is a stop word for us. We are always looking for it wherever we go.

I did just go and have a coffee with my sister where she practiced her signature in her maiden name and we had to find the nicest one. We finally settled on the best one that is also the most readable. She had changed her signature when she got married, where i had kept mine when I did, so I did not have that added problem. I gave her the book on how to get through a divorce for the first time that has many good tips in it. I hope it helps her a lot. They have the added complications of children and shared property, which the Exfactor and I didn’t have.

The Exfactor and the Paramount only see each other once every two weeks. Doesn’t sound like a very intense relationship, does it? He says that this is fine with him and I’ll have to take his word for it, but I wonder if he was not hoping for more. I think he might like a little bit more companionship than that. I don’t know why this was arranged this way, if it was to give her room with her other friends or if it is truly to give each other the space they need, but it is unconventional, considering he gave up his marriage for it.

He told me very proudly the other day, that he had not been reading my blog anymore and I said that that was good, because he would not have been able to anyway. I do appreciate him making the effort in not reading it anymore, but I still think it was better to remove the temptation all together and especially remove it out of the regions of the Paramount, crafty as she is. A woman does have a way to figure things out if she wants to badly enough. I’m a woman, I know these things.

I was once in a relationship with a man who was very dishonest emotionally. I learned to be very crafty and discover the truth about most things, but I did not enjoy playing that role of detective and being a subterfuge person. I developed a dislike for myself and my behavior, forced as I thought I was into it. It was all a very sick game we were playing and tearing myself lose from it was very painful, because dysfunctional behavior becomes addictive sometimes. Maybe the Paramount got a thrill out of the illegality of the relationship she had with the Exfactor. I hope for his sake that there is more than that. I wish for him to have romance and love in his life.

I, on the other hand, wish none of that for me. I wish for good friendships and good relationships with my sisters and my daughter. I wish for my mind to be equally clear and strong in the morning as it is at night when I go to bed. I want to continue to have these nice and relaxed relationships with the Uberhund and the minion cats, this harmonious togetherness.

Oh, by the way, the Uberkat and his sidekick the white cat are staying with me. In turn, the Exfactor is paying for my mobile phone. He wants them to stay in a place where they are happy and not subject them to a move and the stress that comes with it, not knowing where he is going to end up. it may be in an apartment 5 stories up.

Now it is true that the animals have been especially mellow since the Exfactor has been gone, so he does seem to have functioned as some sort of disturbing signal in the apartment. That is gone now and everybody is very relaxed. We have our routines and regular eating times and serenity and solitude and it all makes for quite living with some nice music in the background. I think the animals pick up on that.

So I don’t mind if the Uberkat and his white sidekick stay. They are no problem at all and I hardly notice any difference with one cat or three. Of course the one minion cat will always be the Uberhund’s favorite, but I am working on him accepting the other two more also and to not be so jealous of them. That’s why I have two hands to pet two animals with at the same time.

My sister was here briefly with her dog and he is not used to cats and is secretly afraid of them. He tries to hide this behind a certain amount of bravour and acting tougher than he is, but he is really afraid that they will jump up at him and bite him in the face. My cats don’t know this and find safe and high places to sit while he is here and glare at him with a lot of suspicion in their eyes. The dog sees their food dishes and thinks of only one thing, how to devour what is in them as quickly as possible. You know: Found food and all that. That dog has food on the brain.

The Uberhund has no sense of ownership when it comes to my sister’s dog and makes no effort to protect his territory. He doesn’t protect the cats or their food dishes.

Well. I typed a whole bunch of more stuff after this, but WordPress developed a problem and didn’t save it and swallowed my post. Luckily, it saved most of it as a draft, but then I had some trouble retrieving it. So I went off and did some other things, like vacuum the living room and the sofa and the chairs. I did accomplish something anyway and then there’s that one kitchen cupboard to clean yet.

Art, where’s the art? I don’t know, I am not artistic lately, I feel like a total dud when it comes to artistic endeavors and I need to be inspired by something grand. There are people out there doing some really good things, but I need to do something really good in real life in my creative therapy class. I have a vision of making a sculpture out of clay and I have the general shape in my head, but getting it done 3 dimensionally is something else all together, of course. I hope not to find out that I really am a total dud and not bake anything of it at all. I would hope to be exuberant, but I’m afraid I’ll just be uptight and narrow minded.

Alright, I have to read some blogs now. It’s a promise I made myself. I must do it. I’ve got an hour before I have to walk the Uberhund, so that gives me some time.

Ciao…

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What have I gone and done now? Well, I was very casually vacuuming the living room and thinking about my ex reading my web log and how it was really not good to put that daily temptation in front of him like a very sweet desert in front of a fat person who is dieting. I mean, who wouldn’t want to know what kind of thoughts are going on inside the head of his soon to be ex wife, wouldn’t you be awfully curious? So, I thought, enough of that, you do not tie the cat to the bacon, as they say here. I must remove the temptation for him to read, although I kindly suggested this morning that he stop reading the blog.

It is too much temptation and I wouldn’t be able to stop either. So, the next best thing was to move the blog to a to him undisclosed location and hope that he doesn’t figure out where I am now by being so god darn smart. If I were him, I wouldn’t make the effort and let it go. I hope he is smart enough to do that. I also don’t want his paramount to start reading the blog. Yes, I wrote paramount and not paramour on purpose. Paramount means: commanding, controlling, dominating, dominative, governing, preponderant, regnant, reigning, ruling and I really have no idea if the poor woman is anything like that at all, but I liked it better than calling her a paramour which means: A person’s regular sexual partner.

What name shall I cal my ex? He is sort of a dominant person himself and preponderant and commanding, so I should come up with a good name that has that meaning in it too. No, I’ll just call them the Exfactor and the Paramount. The He and the She. I don’t have that many unkind thoughts about them, but I wish to be a little bit of mean about them sometimes, to get some of the frustrations out occasionally that I will never show in public. In public I will be a most reasonable woman who will not show the back of her tongue and who will always be kind and polite and who could Hillary Clinton look like she needs charm lessons.

I have had a most pleasant day so far, except that I asked the Exfactor to do me a favor and in his discombobulated mind he got things all screwed up and it took several phone calls to get it somewhat straightened out. At least to the point that it will hopefully be satisfactory to the people of the Social Services whom I will see on Tuesday. I should have taken care of this myself, but instead depended on the Exfactor’s stamina on his bike and his reasonable intelligence. I must remember not to do this anymore and depend on myself to take care of delicate matters, as it seems that our minds work differently. It must be the Venus/Mars thing. I will just have to try harder on my bike and not be intimidated by long distances and wind that blows straight at you.

Anyway, I vacuumed the apartment and polished the furniture and picked out a slipcover that my daughter had offered to buy for me as a housewarming gift for the new chair. I suppose I should have a housewarming party, but I think I am just going to wait until my birthday in September and invite a bunch of people over then. Hopefully, I will get very good gifts. I will start dropping very heavy hints soon. You can’t start soon enough with those things.

I filled two glass containers with different teas and one with pasta that I don’t eat, but it looks good. I have one empty glass container left for I don’t know what, so if anybody has an idea. It is airtight.

I went grocery shopping and spent 22 Euros and that should last me for the week and then I’ll have to get a few things for the weekend. Aren’t I a cheap woman? I even got very nice treats for the dog. I have to call him the dog now so he won’t be recognized by name. The Dog. The Uberhund! I bought some new cat kibbles that are a good brand, but just a bit cheaper and the cats like them very much. I always put down two bowls for three cats and one bowl is empty and the other is nearly so. Those troopers! They know we’re on a budget.

But guess what I just saw happen. The Uberhund was eating cat food! Aha! He ate all of it. Well, you know what that means. The cat food needs to be moved to the counter. That stinker, he has never done that before. I actually find it very funny, because Toby was convincing himself the other day that he liked the dog food. Well, now my wooden shoe breaks.

The Uberhund must think he has died and gone to dog heaven with all those dishes of good food and the snacks. I am trying to keep him on a diet so he doesn’t gain anymore weight, this will defeat all my efforts.

When you live by yourself, you have no dishes to wash, at least I don’t. I don’t cook for my self and eat simple food that is easy to fix. I have at the most a glass and a mug and a knife and a small plate. I rinse everything off right away. I never use the stove and I heat milk in the microwave. Milk with honey before I go to sleep.

Okay, that’s the end of the introductory epistle to this new blog. I’ve got some things left to do to it. Hope you are all going to have a great day. Oh goodness, it is Friday. remember how that used to be my favorite time of the week? Well, I have other days that are now, depending on what happens on them. I do like Saturday a lot now.

Ciao…

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Yesterday evening, Eduard took Jesker for his little outing to do his business and it was raining, which got Jesker very wet. Eduard rubbed him dry with a big towel, as usual, and afterwards Jesker always does this happy little run as seen on this short film. We think he is very amusing, do you too?

We had another lovely day yesterday and I do like the way Eduard and I are communicating and exchanging thoughts and opinions and intimacies about our relationship. These are great learning moments and I think they do us a lot of good. We are very lucky that we are able to express ourselves so well in language and that we are not lost for words to describe what we mean and feel. I am not naive enough to think that this will solve the whole problem, but I think we are on the right road together.

Having turned the clock ahead for the extra hour of summer time is really working out well for me. I go to bed at a more reasonable hour and I wake up at a more reasonable hour too. I think all winter, I have been on the wrong schedule and that I never caught up. This time schedule agrees with me much better and I sleep much better too and I don’t get up in the wee hours of the night to sit and blog.

Eduard has not made any interesting photographs these past two days, so I am going to give you one from last week that is a view from our front window and looks down the street that runs directly into our apartment building. Yes, it was snowing, bbbrrr…

You see that I have changed the photograph on my profile. You can see a full view of it on my post before this one. Eduard took it yesterday morning, so it is as fresh as day old bread. I really don’t know if I am complimenting myself here or not. I think it is a dubious case.

Today I am seeing my Obesitas Specialist and he will hopefully give me a date for when my gastric band will be filled again, because I have to lose another 10 kilos. I am also seeing the dietitian, who will no doubt tell me that I am eating not nutritious enough food and that I am not getting enough roughage, but I do take vitamin pills every day and I am high on the dairy products, being a real Dutch woman and therefor being a real dairy head. She is going to say that I don’t eat enough fruit and vegetables and I am going to say that she is right and promise improvement.

That’s the way it works.

There is a non fat yogurt that I eat called Optimel and it has fruit, but no added sugar and I am nearly addicted to the stuff. It is my main food source and it is almost as good as eating ice cream. I also like crackers and all sorts of cheese and omelets. I can’t eat a whole apple or a pear and I can’t eat oranges or manderines, because I upchuck them. Bread is also difficult to eat and I can’t eat meat at all, except for fish. I eat vegetables sometimes, but they are not my favorite food. Really, when you have the choice of what is going to fill you in a short amount of time, you pick something you really love.

Therefor, taking vitamins is very important and I take Davitamon Chewables and extra vitamin C.

Well, I am still sitting here in my comfy red bathrobe, but it is ten am already and I think I need to get the show on the proverbial road. Jesker is taking his morning nap, making a lot of noise while he must be dreaming and the cats are being lazy on the bed. There is absolutely no action here in the morning, except for me who cleans the apartment.

Have a more than mediocre Monday, ciao…

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Remember how I told you I was stuck in my work book and couldn’t move forward? I had to make a life chart and name all the events and situations in my adult life that had been significant and traumatic enough to have caused a change in mood such as a depression or a period of hypo mania. When faced with that exercise, I completely blanked out and couldn’t think of much significant, which is really kind of silly, because I have had a very eventful life.

Then, yesterday morning, as I was sitting on the sofa getting ready to take the dog for a walk, my mind opened up and I got a piece of paper and wrote down a list of 30 events and situations that had been of great significance and had caused me to have major mood disturbances. Once I started writing, I couldn’t stop and I just kept adding to the list, realizing every time that there was more and more.

Recollecting all these events and situations was actually quite emotional and didn’t leave me unmoved. I hadn’t realized that there had been so much and of such significance. I am not surprised now that my mind has been in such upheaval. Given the genetics and my vulnerability to manic depression, it is no surprise that it did come about full stop. All the ingredients to develop it were in place, if you also keep in mind my childhood, which I am not even adding to the equation.

Vulnerable people ought not to lead very eventful lives, I realize that now. It is not a good combination, but then I also see how many of these events were outside my circle of influence and would have happened no matter what I would have done. The most traumatic things I could not have prevented. However, there are things I could have done differently had I known about manic depression sooner. It would have required a whole lot of insight and understanding into the disorder to have made a difference and I would have required excellent psychiatric care early on.

The problem is that most people who are manic depressed, don’t get diagnosed early on and walk around with the disorder for quite some time. Especially if they are hypo manic and do not get true mania and get psychotic. I know that I hid a lot of my feelings and always pretended to feel a lot better than I actually did and that when I felt happy and carefree, this was just a huge relieve to me, even when it meant that I made insensible decisions then and put a lot at risk.

I hardly ever discussed with anyone the truly miserable state of my feelings, thinking they were a result of my circumstances and that nothing could be done about them. I hardly ever showed anyone the true depth of my despair. I suffered in silence.

Greatly relieved was I when the curtain of depression lifted and I could be happy. I was silly and crazy and daring and carefree. I had fun. I didn’t realize then, that this carefree period was always followed by a depressed period. I wasn’t that smart then. I didn’t have that much insight into myself. Looking back now, I see it all clearly. I always used to think of it as going back into prison. Getting back into my inescapable life sentence.

It’s almost 14 years ago now when I first got my diagnoses and another 7 years ago when I got the diagnoses for the second time. Most of that time, I have tried to live as if it weren’t true. I never really accepted it. Part of me never believed it. A big part of me.

Some time ago, I embraced the whole diagnosis and realized that it did indeed apply to me and that the specialists were right, but it wasn’t until quite recently that I realized that I needed to do more than just embrace it. I also needed to be proactive. Hence my more assertive approach of reading books and becoming a member of the association for manic depressive people. Know your disorder! That’s the most important thing I can say. The worst thing is to be ignorant about what ails you.

Anyway, that’s what I have to say about the manic depressive part. I always hope that people will recognize themselves in this and have a light bulb switch on above their heads. That they will have a ‘Eureka’ moment. It’s hard struggling by yourself in the great unknown.

Yesterday was a nice day. I didn’t accomplish that much, but then again, there wasn’t that much I absolutely needed to do. I did some laundry and cleaned up the kitchen and did exercises in the work book. I walked the dog twice, Eduard walked him the other two times.

It was cold outside and we actually had to turn the heater on for a while during the day, which is unusual. It did get below freezing during the night. We try not to turn the heater on during the day, but we do have to air the apartment, otherwise it gets very damp in here and condensation starts to collect on the windows of the bedrooms and forms in puddles on the windowsills and then drips down the walls. If we don’t air all the time, we get mildew on the walls there and everything in the apartment gets damp. So we open the windows on a crack and also let in the cold air. The problem is, that the windows in the front of the apartment are double glazed, but the windows in the back are single glazed, so this needs to be remedied, but we don’t think the housing corporation will invest.

Eduard worked for a bit in the early afternoon and the dog was beside himself with joy when he came home. It’s so funny how the dog reacts to Eduard coming home and how he is almost lackadaisical when I come home. The other day, he didn’t even get up from his pillow, he just kept right on sleeping. I should be insulted, but I am not, as the dog and I have a good relationship. The cats wait by the front door when they know we are coming home. If they happen to sit in the windowsill and see us walk by, they quickly run to the front door. Sometimes they keep going and run up the stairwell and we have to go and get them and bring them down again. They think that is great fun.

My sister and her family are going to Rome next week where it happens to be cold right now, which she is really bummed out about, because the weather there had been nice until recently. They are going to see all the famous sights and I am sure they will come home with fabulous pictures and equally fabulous stories. They have been to Italy several times, but they have never been to Rome. I am sure that they are going to have a great time, as there is so much to see and I would love to go see it all myself some day. I am sure that the Colosseum will be mighty impressive and so will the church of St. Peter. Much fun will be had and the kids are just old enough to appreciate it all.

I want to go to Paris with Eduard and I really hope
we can make that trip next year. I would love to see the museums properly and just walk around or hop on the metro and journey from one interesting sight to the other. I was there on my own 14 years ago and saw a lot, but I know there is much left to do and see and it will be extra nice to go with Eduard as he speaks French fluently. When I was there, I spent some time in the Louvre, but I know I didn’t see half of it and I very much want to see the Dutch masters better. I know I was very disappointed with the Mona Lisa and I thought it was really no big deal and wondered why everybody made such a to do about it. Maybe that was because it was behind glass and behind a rope and because there was a large group of Japanese tourists in front of it. I probably didn’t appreciate it well enough. Sometimes you see representations of a piece of art so often, that when you see the real thing, it is almost a let down.

Well, I think that’s about it for today. I have switched to decaf now after drinking four cups of regular Senseo and feeling quite well because of it. That caffeine really is wonderful stuff. It really is made for people like me who enjoy their early mornings all by themselves with a pack of cigarettes and a bright computer screen in front of them.

Have a great day, people, whatever you do, wherever you go. Ciao…

P.S. Omega Mum saw it fit to give me an award today and I am very pleased with it. You can admire it in my side bar. I have to pass it on, but I need to think of who I am going to pass it on to, so give me a little bit of time. Thanks Omega Mum!

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