Posts Tagged ‘books’

I am alone. I am sitting here as a single, solitary, living by myself, independent woman and it agrees with me very well. I am the mistress of my domain and putter around in it with a purpose and make all things my own by touching and clearing up and rearranging. I feel a great deal of sense of ownership and independence and right of existing and autonomy. I decide how things are and how they are done and if something is done a certain way or not at all or if it gets tossed in the trash or saved. My, it just goes to my head. What a pleasure that is. I didn’t know it would agree with me that well.

Today I decided to clean up that nice white bookcase of Ikea that we have and that attracts dirt and dust like a magnet. While I was at it, I also took out all the books that belonged to Eduard and boxed them, leaving me with several open squares to arrange other things in. I also rearranged all of my own books in no specific order, just in a way that I can find them. I also found out that there is mildew on the wall behind the bookcase, but if you run fast, you don’t see it, so I had to camouflage that a bit. It was a tough but fun job.

I wanted to do the same thing in the kitchen, but I had no boxes left and I will just have to make a list of things that can go and just do a general good cleaning. I know I need to tackle the woodwork and the window and clean the refrigerator. I suppose I will share some of the magnets with Eduard, since he bought some of them. I’ll let him have those. I am so kind hearted and willing to share. Mmm…

Jesker doesn’t want to eat his regular food, so I fix him special treats. He never wants to eat when Eduard is not home and now, of course, he is waiting for naught. I gave him breakfast bread with diet margarine, which is good for what ails you. He liked that. He will sleep beside me tonight on his pillow beside the bed.

Speaking of sleeping…I have been sleeping without my sleeping pills and doing a better job of it and tonight I have already very optimistically set my alarm clock for 7 AM. I am going to drink hot milk with honey before I go to sleep, whenever that is. I can decide that for myself also.

I don’t do a lot of blog surfing and the Google reader is fooling me, telling me there are no updates for anyone when there are many. So, I am still playing catch up, people. You hard working writers and other artists. If I haven’t been by to comment, know that in my heart I am thinking of you and i will get there soon.

The Netherlands beat France in tonight’s game, but I slept through most of it and I am unsure of the score. I think it is 4-1, but I may be mistaken. It is sacrilege to sleep through a game like that, but the sofa was very comfortable. I am not a proud enough Orange fan, apparently. I ought to be shot at dawn after I am made to sing the national anthem, which words I always forget.

Oh, I know I am going to be doing a spring cleaning, I can feel it in my bones, but I do worry about the windows, because I can never get them as clean as I would like them. Not a proper Dutch housewife at all! I need to get down on my knees and scrub the floors, I know that and I have creaky knees, so I have to decide if I am willing to make the sacrifice for really clean floors. Mmm…

I ordered a NO/NO sticker for on my mailbox so nobody will put any unaddressed junk mail and free newspapers and fliers in my mailbox anymore. That should cut down on the amount of wastepaper that I accumulate every month and that needs to be put at the curb to be picked up. I do think that is such a total waste of cutting down good trees, leaving me with boxes full of paper to haul around. I don’t read a newspaper, because it is too expensive and I can read one on line and watch the news on TV. That should do. I have to think of all these economical and ecological ways to be smart.

Well, I am starting to yawn, which is a good sign to shut things down and get ready for bed. All alone in my bed surrounded by the cats and my loyal dog. Got to make sure the back door is locked.

Have yourself a good rest of the day and I hope your day was as good as mine has been. I can’t help it, it just has been a good day.

Oh, and by the way, the new chair from Ikea looks really nice and I am glad that Eduard was nice enough to go pick it up for me. The cats take turns sleeping in it.



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Lisa Sarsfield Images.

I get up and go to sleep again and I repeat this process several times a night. When I am up, I drink a cup of decaf, so I am not artificially awakened. Even now, at 6:30 am, I feel that I could sleep some more and after I walk Jesker, I just may climb into bed again.

I’ve started reading a new novel. “Missing Mom” by Joyce Carol Oates. I think I have read it before, but she is such a good writer that I am willing to read it again and pay special attention to the intricacies of her sentences. She very carefully crafts them and each one of them is a treasure. I bet she is a terrific poet. I think this is one of the books that my daughter got me a year ago and leave it to her to always get me good reading material. My daughter is a famous book store browser. She loves spending her spare time there.

Well, I did end up going back to bed and I slept another three hours and I feel ever so much better now. I just needed more sleep to get rid of the early morning grumpiness and the feeling that I was not quite capable of functioning on all levels of coherency yet. All together I have slept a lot last night, but I am sure I needed it and I will keep doing this whenever I feel this discombobulated in the morning.

Yesterday was lounge day. I stayed in my bathrobe and slippers all day long. How lazy can you get? Eduard was kind enough to walk Jesker for me and they even made a trip to the pond, so Jesker had a proper outing too.

I felt perfectly happy and contend and didn’t do anything strenuous. I cleaned the apartment a tiny little bit and spent some time with Paintshop Pro making new images. I also read my Icelandic book and have finished it, much to my chagrin. Now I have to wait for him to write his next one. I am sure that he gets lots of fan mail from all over the world asking him when his next book is coming out. The poor man is probably under all sorts of pressure to write a new one that will surpass the one before that. Remember his name Arnaldur Indridason.

It’s funny how you evolve in your literature needs. When I was much younger, I didn’t understand the more feminist literature. I was too young and inexperienced and didn’t understand complex issues between men and women and women’s place in society as a whole. I thought that kind of literature was all dark and complex and too open ended. I still believed in a straight forward story in which everybody lived happily ever after.

At one point you become more sophisticated and realize that the interactions between people are large and complex and that women play a very special role in this patriarchal society. You see the struggle that goes on and the glass ceiling and the changes that need to be brought about to equalize the sexes and the differences that need to be embraced and not be smirked at. I love women’s literature for addressing these kinds of concerns, whether it is directly or indirectly. I like to read things from a woman’s point of view and vicariously experience their experiences.

I have come to believe in women a lot as powerful human beings who have very much to offer given the chance to develop into their full potential. I like women who are proud and strong and singular. They are always my role models. I come from a long line of women who always wore the pants in the family, but I don’t think that any of them ever grew into their full potential and I think they were as hindered by society’s limitations as anybody else was back then. I also think they lacked the imagination and the courage to reach for more and that they settled for the conventional too easily. Maybe that is true for a lot of women of those generations.

I am glad I am alive now, when it is assumed that a woman can pull her weight as well as a man can and can make her voice be heard.

Today will be another low key day. The weather outside is not welcoming. It is stormy and rainy and we will have to amuse ourselves indoors. I have no problem with that, as I seldom find myself bored for things to do. If nothing else, there is always navel staring and dog petting. I have some more books on the book case that I haven’t read yet and on Sundays there are always a lot of cultural programs on TV.

Every day, at around three o’clock, I experience a dip in my mood. I go from being careless and happy to being morose and somber. It lasts about three hours and it has nothing to do with my glucose levels, because I have checked those. I suddenly don”t feel like doing anything and everything seems rather pointless. I survive this low depression system by eating many cookies that make me feel better, but of course, that is not the solution. I must discuss this with my SPN next week and see if there is a solution to it. Maybe it would be good if I went to sleep then for a little while to survive that time.

I am a rapid cycler and I go through my moods quickly. Little things upset me and get me off balance easily. Then of course, there is your own natural daily clock and rhythm. It is all a puzzlement. I am discovering, however, that sleeping is a very good thing to do and that you must never think that you have done enough of it. There is always some more left in you that can get squeezed out. It seems to have many healing qualities and is a healing plaster to the mind.

Alright now, Some images for you. Here is something that I poached from Lisa Sarsfield and turned into something else all together. You can go here to see what it was originally. Lisa is a multi disciplined artist and I visit her blog regularly.

There is movement in the apartment and I think the troops are coming into action. I will end this epistle and see what sort of things I need to do for Jesker and Eduard. Jesker has only been let out on the patio where he piddled against all the bushes.

Have a woonderful Sunday, people. Ciao…

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Yesterday morning I got my wish fulfilled and didn’t wake up until 6:30 am, which meant that I slept more than eight hours! It also meant that I didn’t have time to write this blog, so I skipped yesterday all together instead of trying to squeeze in a post. I am such a creature of habit that I have to write this blog early in the morning or not at all, because that is when I seem to be inspired to write.

Anyway, I am back to my normal schedule now and I have lots of time to contemplate what to write about.

On Wednesday morning I got a haircut. Yes, my hair had grown enough to need to do that, but I only had a little haircut, just enough to look nice again. My own little hairdresser was there again and I had her take just centimeters off my hair and it looks very nice. It doesn’t look like I got a haircut, which is how it should be. I can actually comb my hair into place now and use hairspray to keep it in place, which was not the case when I had it cut so short this summer. I’ll have Eduard take a picture of it so you can see it.

On Wednesday my sister and I also took the dogs for a walk to the pond and the weather was very good, so we got very lucky as it had rained the day before. The trees have completely changed colors now and many of them have lost a lot of their leaves. When the weather is nice and the sun is shining, it makes for a pretty sight. The colorful leaves on the trees and on the ground. It’s fun to walk through the dead leaves and Jesker always brings home bits of dead leaves that get stuck to his ears and the rest of his fur.

Yesterday morning I rode my bike into town to Eduard’s work and after having had a cup of espresso there, we went into town together to buy me a pair of boots. I was going to buy a pair of cowboy boots, but didn’t see any that I liked and ended up buying a pair of nice ankle boots with low heels that are very comfortable to wear and are very definitely not shit kicking boots. These boots are very feminine and will even look good to wear with a dress. I suppose they are a reflection of my true nature.

Yesterday afternoon a bunch of literature I ordered from the association for manic depressive people arrived in the mail and I spent the afternoon reading that. I now have quite a collection of books and pamphlets on manic depression and I am becoming quite an expert. That is the one thing they recommend anyway, know your disorder!

I have a list of things that trigger a change of mood in me. They can be actions, situations or events. They are things I avoid. One of them is listening to music. I very rarely do that, because I have a tendency to react very emotionally to music and easily get swept away by it. Especially if they are my own CD’s and I have associations with them. The easiest music for me to listen to is some Baroque and Jazz. It is the most rational music to me. I can’t listen to passionate music such as romantically classical music by Tschaikovsky or Mahler or Rachmaninoff. I get swept away by it. To me silence is the best, or music that I don’t react emotionally to.

If I am already in a mood, such as a hypo manic one, I will listen to music and want to be swept away by it. I will play Beethoven’s 9th symphony very loudly. Or if I am feeling very melancholy I will listen to Adagio for strings by Barber and have my heart broken, but I think it is very unhealthy and best to be avoided. It’s like adding fuel to the fire.

Darn, now I am stuck for words and I don’t know what else to write about. I have writer’s block!

Well, that means I’ll stop for now and say ciao and wish you all a good day…

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Blue Flower Images number 1

Because we had to turn back the clock one hour, yesterday seemed like it took forever. The day just lasted and lasted. Every time I looked at the clock, it was earlier than I thought it was going to be, causing me to feel very exasperated. When it was finally time to go to bed, I was more than ready and I went gladly and went to sleep quickly. I didn’t even really read my book. When I laid down with it, I closed my eyes and was gone in no time.

Yesterday was an extremely boring day as a result off all the clock watching. I watched a bunch of movies. I watched Forrest Gump for the fourth time and enjoyed it thoroughly. I also watched Con Air with Nicolas Cage and Fatal Attraction for the third time. That was a real scary movie and I thought, “There but for the grace of God go we.” Well, that is exaggerating things a bit, but it does make you stop and think about what can happen.

The problem was, that it did make everything very real to me again and made me feel disgusted with the whole situation all over again and I don’t think that that was necessary. Nevertheless, these were my feelings and I knew that only sleep would erase them from my active state of mind. This morning I feel kind of silly for having felt them so strongly, although I know I shouldn’t feel silly and that these feelings have a legitimate place in the scheme of things.

Sometimes I don’t know what to do with these feelings, as I feel it is unreasonable to get angry with Eduard all over again, although I do feel like it. I am angry at him for making me feel the way I do, for having the thoughts that I do, although it could be argued that I am responsible for my own thoughts and feelings, but I am not, am I? They are obviously triggered by other people and events that I have no control over.

I suppose the road to healing is forgiveness. Am I ready to do that? I don’t know, I would have to be very honest and take a long hard look in my heart to see if I am. I am not a good Christian who can turn the other cheek. I suppose I feel that I have to be on my guard still and that is not very conducive to forgiveness.

Enough said about that. I wonder why I like the movie Forrest Gump so much? I guess it has something to do with the eternal optimism it radiates and with the fact that nobody else but Tom Hanks could have played Forrest Gump so well. I don’t know anything about Tom Hanks personally and I would like to keep it that way, as I don’t really want to know anything about a movie star too much, unless they are at the end of their career or dead, as I think too much knowledge gets in the way of enjoying them. I get interested in movie stars when they are in the past, such as Katherine Hepburn and Ingrid Bergman. I have books about them.

Which reminds me of the books on my bookcase and the fact that I still want to arrange them by color. I used to have them arranged by color, but when we moved, they became disarranged. I recognize a book by its color, so it’s a good system and attractive too. I especially like green books, green being one of my favorite colors. You think I am silly, don’t you? It’s not more silly than arranging them by alphabet or subject. And it looks good!

Well, that’s all I’ve got for today. Thank you all the people who commented yesterday with your wise words. I still have to write that email.

Have a great day, everyone, ciao…

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Today, I weigh 91.9 kilos and that is 1.6 kilos too many. Actually, it is 6.9 kilos too many, but who is counting? Well, I am obviously. I can tell it is almost wintertime, because I am eating more than is good for me. I am eating more often. I get the urge to eat something more often. Yesterday I ate too many grapes and I had to hang over the toilet for a bit. I am having a terrible craving for sweets and carbohydrates. I always get that in the wintertime. I feel like eating all the wrong foods and I have to have a good long talk with myself and get over it.

Well, enough said about that. I just have to do it and not whine about it.

Yesterday afternoon, Eduard and I had our silly thirty minutes and we sang opera to the dog. We sang in very loud and deep voices, “Oh Jesker, sing a song for me only.” Of course, I can’t sing or carry a tune, so I sounded very bad, but nevertheless, I carried on singing in a loud voice.

The dog thought it was awful and ran back and forth between the two of us and barked at us, so it was real pandemonium and to make matters worse, I started to elaborate on the song and sang, “Oh Jesker, bite Eduard in his butt and kick him in the shins,” because my opera always has to turn violent. Eduard caught on right away and started singing equally violent things, so between the two of us we sounded like a regular pair of nuts. The poor dog just didn’t know what to make of it and went nuts also.

Eduard and I always joke about the fact that we are both crazy, but that I can prove it and he can’t. I am certifiable and he isn’t.

We stopped singing, much to the dog’s relief, and had an awful conversation in Saxon dialect about what we would say to Eduard’s boss if we were to call him anonymously. It’s a good thing that there are no hidden cameras and microphones here, or we would be picked up for making grievous verbal threats. The Saxon dialect made it funny, although you can seriously doubt our state of mind when we say these things.

But, that is what silly thirty minutes are for. You get to be completely nuts for a while and you don’t have to explain yourself to anybody. My mother used to call it the crazy half an hour. Do you have that in other cultures also? This built in time to be crazy for a while? I think it is a very healthy thing to do.

Yesterday I finished A Short History Of Tractors In The Ukraine. What a wonderful novel that was. I recommend reading it and I am not going to give the plot away here. Just take my word for it. It is set in England and involves a Ukrainian immigrant and his two adult daughters and and a Ukrainian woman who wants an easy way to stay in England and what she is willing to do for that.

I have now started reading Coming Home by Anne Tyler, and although I am sure it is going to be a wonderful novel, her style of writing is so different that it takes me a while to get used to. I normally like Anne Tyler, but I had not realized that she had such a specifically American way of writing that belongs to her generation of writers and it is really noticeable now after reading the other novel. It is bothering me just a little bit, as it seems to be too much of a formula. I hope I get past that point and can just read the book and not notice that anymore. I am reading these books in Dutch and maybe because the translations are so good, I may be picking up such nuances in the style more.

Yesterday afternoon, at 5 pm, I forgot to take my Topamax. I was sitting on the sofa at 6:30 pm and said to Eduard, “Oh, I forgot to take my Topamax,” then I imagined that I went to take it, but at 7:30 pm my mood became lesser and lesser and I realized that I had not taken it at all and that this is why I was going downhill. So you see what a difference that makes. It is so important that I remember to take it on time during the day. I was starting to have all sorts of negative thoughts and becoming uncomfortable in my own head. About half an hour after I took it, I was okay again. I don’t have this problem in the morning, as my mood is fine then and I take all of my medication at 7 am.

Your mind and body have some sort of daily rhythm and I am finding out through trial and error what mine is. I know that taking the Topamax on time is very important during the day. I really have to watch the clock and normally that is okay, because I take it at times when Jesker needs to be walked, but if I deviate from that schedule, I can get into trouble and forget.

I had ordered a new pair of jeans and a tunic on line and they arrived yesterday. The jeans fit perfectly. They are a size 44 and five sizes smaller than what I used to wear. The tunic was too small and they are picking it up today and delivering one in a size bigger. On top I am four sizes smaller than I used to wear. The problem is my waist, it didn’t shrink as much yet as the rest of me. All of my extra weight is in my stomach area now, that is where I need to lose it. I don’t have the money to join a health club, otherwise I would. I could really use some exercises on some exercise machines to get that stomach down. I don’t think I can talk my health insurance company into paying for a membership, although they really should and keep their members healthy.

Well, that’s all the news I have for today. I keep being at a steady six, except that I was probable at a seven during the silly thirty minutes yesterday. I like being at a six, it is a very comfortable place to be.

Have a great day, everybody/ Ciao…

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I am reading A Short History of Tractors In The Ukraine. Eduard had gotten it from the library and I am reading it in Dutch. This doesn’t bother me, although it was written in English originally, because the translation is very good. When I saw him reading the book, I recognized the title as one I should read, as I think it is one on Frances’ list of favorite novels. I am a third of the way through it and totally captured by it. Every page brings new excitement. Who would think that a novel with such a title would be that endearing.

I had forgotten that reading a novel during the daytime was so enjoyable. I am reading it by the dining table so I won’t fall asleep with it on the sofa. It’s a pleasant place to sit, as the cats sit right by me on the table and we can all look out the window at the same time and watch the people go by. I have my coffee and my cigarettes and ashtray right in front of me too, so it is all very comfortable, except that the dining chairs are very hard and do give me a sore butt after a while. There is less meat there now and I do notice the difference.

I don’t know why the author of the book on mood disorders said that it would take about three months to get through his book. I have had it almost a week now and I am three quarters of the way through it. I can see that maybe if you knew nothing whatsoever about the subject from the outset, it would take you a while to absorb all the information, but I think three months is a long time. It is a book that I will go back to depending on my moods. I can see that if I were to become depressed, I would go back to that chapter and do those particular exercises.

I deleted yesterday’s post, because I was feeling very insecure and that was reflected back in that post. I have been feeling very insecure lately and it seems to be part of my present mood. With my mind I know I am doing this right now. That I am having these feelings and that I should not and I can almost talk myself out of them if I reason with myself logically. But emotionally I am feeling this way and it keeps sneaking back in.

It says in the book that this will happen when you are depressed, but I don’t think that I am depressed right now. It does say that when you are depressed, your mind has a tendency to focus on the negative and that you have to try very hard to keep offsetting that with a good hard look at reality and with positive thoughts. I try to do that and it will work for a while, but the insecurity keeps sneaking back in. It seems to be a natural way for me to feel right now. I don’t think it is very productive for me to write posts that reflect all of that insecurity and that is why I deleted it.

I don’t know what to make of my present mood. I don’t think that I am especially depressed, although I am not as excited in the morning as I have been, but that is so short term that it may not mean a darn thing. I am just a bit more subdued and a bit less eager to be home alone all day by myself, where before that didn’t bother me so much. I normally do like my alone time and now it bothers me when Eduard goes to work and I know he is going to be gone for any length of time. Yesterday he was supposed to be at work until midnight, but he managed to get a replacement and was home in the middle of the afternoon. I haven’t felt such an urge to have him home with me in a long time. I feel more sane when he is here.

I seem to be the most insecure about things in my past and the least insecure about things in the present, which is familiar to me and something I do when I am depressed. I always vividly start reliving my past, although I should let that rest and concentrate on the present where so many things are going right, as Eduard pointed out. The mind is a tricky thing and it plays games with you in your different moods. It is because I have that book, that I know that this is a common thing and that it happens to other people too under the same circumstances.

Anyway, knowledge is power and all I can do is read as much as possible about my disorder as I can and be as well informed as I can be. It is important to know what happens to people in general who have this disorder so you can make comparisons and not feel like you are reinventing the wheel by yourself all the time.

Jesker is such a smart dog. He was laying on the floor, curled up and sound asleep yesterday, when I saw Eduard come home through the front window. I said in a normal voice, “I know who is coming home.” Jesker woke up immediately and got up and barked and walked to the front door and back to me, wagging his stubby tail very excitedly. He understands so much and he knows so many words. The other day I realized that he understood what “Zoek baasje” meant. That means “Search the boss.” Right away he started looking for Eduard. He knows things that we don’t know he knows.

Nouri follows me to the bathroom. She stands by the door and meows until I open it wider and let her in and then she very affectionately wants to be petted while I sit on the toilet. I guess this is our quality time together. Then she very curiously looks in the toilet when I flush it. The other cats come too, but they just want to sit in the bathroom sink or in the shower. Sometimes Jesker comes too, but he only comes when he thinks it is time to go for a walk and it is his way of telling me to hurry up.

This morning I am seeing my SPN for the second time. I am going to level with her and tell her how insecure I have been feeling and maybe we can figure out why that is or if it is just something that belongs to the present mood. Our talks are only for a half an hour, so I feel that I have to pick my subjects wisely. On the other hand, I do see her once a week and that is often and the week goes by quickly. Did you ever notice how time goes by more quickly as you get older? What’s the deal with that anyway?

I will wear layers of clothes, because it is cold outside now and my winter coat’s push buttons don’t close properly and snap open when I ride my bicycle. So, I have to wear my other jacket that is not as warm. The winter coat will need new buttons or Eduard will have to squeeze the buttons that are on it with pliers or something.

Well, that’s about it for today. I can’t think of what else to write about. Hopefully this is not a post that I will feel like deleting later this morning. I don’t think so.

Have a great day, or a great sleep, whichever comes first, ciao…

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I almost got up too early during the night. I woke up at 2:15 and thought I was done sleeping, but then realized on time that I wasn’t and went back to bed where I slept until 5 am. Eduard and I went to bed early last night, therefor I was a little confused at first.

My appointment with the SPN went well. I was a little bit nervous and a little bit agitated. I realize that now and I don’t know what sort of impression I made on her. Well, I probably looked like a slightly agitated woman. I was trying to explain my moods to her and I don’t know if I did a good enough job. She is young and inexperienced and I wonder if we are going to manage okay between the two of us. Maybe, in the process of explaining, we will both learn a lot.

I realize now that she was trying to find out my feelings about Eduard and his side step with miss X and how I insisted that, other than during my moods, this didn’t bother me that much anymore, which is probably nonsense and I’ll have to talk about that again next week. And how it didn’t bother me that I failed at the training and that that didn’t make me feel like a fool and a failure. I think maybe I live in denial a large portion of the time. Either that, or I really don’t care, except when my moods hit me. I’ll have to talk more sensibly about these things next time.

I am going to see her once a week and I can call her if I run into trouble in the meantime.

Yesterday afternoon at about three o’clock the first bad thought entered my head like a small cloud moving in front of the sun. By 3:30 I was pretty down on myself, blaming myself for everything that had gone wrong in my life and in the lives of those I love. I felt very sad about a lot of things. This mood lasted until 5 o’clock and then started to lift and by 6 o’clock it was completely gone and I could breathe a sigh of relief and say that it was completely over.

So, that was a short mood change and I can only think that the trick with the Topamax is working and I think that maybe I should take it at 2 pm to avoid the worst of the mood from happening at all. I think that would be a good idea. I know that Topamax has a long half life and that it should not make that much difference, but it seems to with me anyway and I have read that it does with other people also. My psychiatrist says that I am pretty resistant to medication and that is why I need a large dose of it and more than other people do.

Anyway, it is a great thing to wake up in the morning and feel good. Somehow, sleeping is that magic thing I need to do. I need to take more naps during the day, which makes me think that I also need to take my Oxazepam during the afternoon and maybe try to sleep when the worst of the mood strikes me, if that is at all possible. It’s worth trying.

Man, it is all about chemistry and getting that right. It’s like trying to find the magic formula and getting all the ingredients just right. And the timing has to be just right also. Add something too soon or too late and it won’t work.

Jesker and I hung out on the field yesterday afternoon. the weather was beautiful and the sun was shining. The new houses are done and Jesker likes to walk around the muddy area that is left where all the building equipment was and sniff around. The new houses look good and blend in well with the rest of the neighborhood. They are very modern and straight forward. They are built on the edge of the field, so luckily they don’t take up much space. The gardens and the road still need to be put in, but it doesn’t look like they will take up too much space either. All in all it didn’t turn out to be a bad project and I am sure that whoever has bought those houses will enjoy living there. This is really turning into a super neighborhood with some great architecture.

I am drinking Senseo only in the mornings and I am allowing myself four cups of regular Senseo and then I switch to decaf. It wasn’t too bad yesterday when I started this. I didn’t crave the regular Senseo too badly the rest of the day, except for in the evening when I allowed myself to have a regular cup. I didn’t go through caffeine withdrawal.

I think I can rate myself at an eight this morning. Maybe it is the coffee that is making me feel so good, maybe it is the cigarettes. Maybe it is the fact that I got enough sleep. Anyway, I feel good and that is the main thing. It’s a wonderful thing when an eight strikes me. I always feel like I have had a ‘good feel’ drug when it does. I am always looking for the magic formula then. What did I do differently to make the difference?

For someone who used to read prolifically, I sure don’t read a lot lately. I read a little bit at night when I am in bed, just before I go to sleep. Right now, I am reading a book about memory and how it functions and disfunctions. I am in a chapter that talks about savants and how they can do such amazing feats as calender counting and playing the piano without being able to read a single note, but just playing pieces of music from having heard them played by other people. It’s a fascinating thing and makes you wonder what the brain is capable of. Scientists try to figure out how these people, who don’t function at all well in all the other areas of their lives, are able to be such geniuses at one particular thing. The problem is, that the subjects themselves are unable to communicate how they are able to, because very often they do not have the language skills or the thought processes to do that. Many of them are autistic.

There will be a day, when the functions of the brain are not such a mystery to us and when the dysfunctions become clear and understandable. When medications are no longer a hit and run, trial and error practice, but really specifically hit the bull’s eye. When we really understand mental disorders and are able to specifically target them and treat them. Until then, much remains a mystery and it is all a matter of witchery almost. In a hundred years, we will look back and be amazed at how primitive our treatments were. Just like we look back now and think that about the early 20th century.

Well, Jesker just got up and was extensively greeted by me, so I suppose I will end this epistle now and take him for a walk. He is such a good dog and so patient with me while I sit here and type and he so much likes going out first thing in the morning. The cats are starting to congregate too, so it is time to feed them.

Have a terrific day, people. May all your dreams come true, ciao…

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