Posts Tagged ‘coffee’

I fell asleep on the sofa at 4 PM this afternoon and now I am semi-awake, but slightly disoriented and I keep thinking that somebody is going to come home any minute and I cringe every time I hear a motor engine or a door slam. I have just made myself a large mug of coffee and I hope that with the aid of it, I will soon return to the reality that is my life and not this half awake life in which I am only imagining things. I am sure you all know this feeling of waking up in the middle of the day and having to place yourself in the right context again and sometimes that takes awhile.

The Überhund is sound asleep at my feet. His solid presence comforts me and i realize how much he has changed and how nice and mellow he has become. He used to be such a pain in the neck and constantly want attention and beg for it by being slightly obnoxious, but he does none of that now. He is a nice and quiet dog and talks to me if there is somethings he wants or needs and I can usually figure it out. I think he was in competition with the Exfactor for the Alpha dog role and it made him insecure.

I am not sure which role I have now. When we go for a walk, I am the boss, I made sure of that, but I don’t know for sure if I’m the Alpha dog at home. I hope I am, because he does listen to me and follows me wherever I go, so I must be. When I get home, he is very happy to see me, but he always turns his butt to me to be greeted, does anyone know what that means? Is that submission? Or the opposite?

I have decided on Facebook, that as soon as a person I am ‘friends’ with keeps adding friends at a phenomenal rate and does not communicate with me, I remove them as a friend. I have gotten rid of two so called ‘friends’ that way today and I think I will be removing more. It is after all not a competition to see how many ‘friends’ a person can gather, although that seems to be the purpose for some people. I am not in it for that. I like to approach people myself and sometimes that works out, but sometimes people approach me and I take a chance. There is always the remove button, though. It’s nice to have your occasional comments reacted to. It means people care and are paying attention.

We’ve had a hot weekend, but just now it has started to rain. It is assumed that this was the last of the summer weather and that now the fall will start, although it seems to us that process has been going on already for a while. I was just about to go outside to water the potted jasmine, but now I won’t have to. It looks like it survived it’s haphazard transplant and i think I will have a really healthy plant there next year. With any luck, it will bloom this winter.

The weekend went by quickly. I didn’t actually do very much, except for vacuum and that was a real fun job, because i had changed the bag in the vacuum cleaner and then it always works extremely well. It would suck up the cats if they didn’t get out of the way. It works well on the new area rug and that is good, because I was hoping it would take care of the dog hair there and any fleas or other nasty things that decided to drop off the animals, although I think that the Überhund is flea free now. I ended up buying him Frontline, as I thought the stuff that the vet gave me wasn’t working that well, but the Frontline seems to have done the job. He is also wearing a flea collar, but I don’t have much faith in it. Vacuuming a lot does the trick.

In a way I am happy that the weekend is over. I do like the laziness of it, but tomorrow i have creative therapy and I am looking forward to that, when I finish peeling the backs of those images and start putting the paint washes on. It also means the bureaucracy starts up again and I will have to gather the paperwork on why I don’t want to pay city taxes to go with the objection I sent per Internet this weekend. Basically, because I don’t have an income and I have to show that.

I also have to make an official objection against them withholding my welfare check. It’s all a pain in the butt, but it has to be done. I have to find out where to send the paperwork.

Well, my pall the Überhund really wants to go out now, so I suppose that’s what we will do.

Have a nice end of the weekend and tell me how you deal with adversity, I would so like to know.



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This morning I was very good and went to my ergo therapy class, even though I was half asleep and nearly nodded off during the first hour, because I had not had enough coffee. I woke up at 3 AM and could not go back to sleep, so read blogs instead, but I got so distracted by them that my caffeine consumption dropped to a very low level and as a result I was not so very perky at 8:30 AM, when I was supposed to leave.

I tried to do some damage control by drinking some coffee very quickly, but sleep was settling into my bones and I was getting mighty weary. I almost didn’t go at all, but then thought that the vigorous bike ride would wake me up. Well, not quite. It made me more like a unguided missile rushing through the traffic that luckily was light, because I wasn’t about to stop for anything, I just kept on moving until I got there and then it started to rain, hah, I got there just in time.

Very droopily I sat and listened to the other people tell their story of how their week had been and at times my head almost hit the table. Luckily, halfway through, we took a break and I had 3 espressos extra strong which gave me a kick in the pants and woke me up properly, so when it was time for me to talk, i could do so quite coherently. I made complete sense to myself and everybody else, although I do keep having this strange tendency to want to speak English as I find it easier to express what I want to say and I find myself struggling to find the right Dutch words. Everybody asks, “Irene, are you English?” And I grumpily answer, “No, I am half an American.” Nobody asks which half, but they leave me in peace and continue to let me struggle with a lot of patience.

We have something in the Netherlands like Facebook called Hyves and I had my pages there and had them quite organized, but yesterday I discovered that I had been hacked and all sorts of pictures of all sorts of strange people were on them and lots of weird messages. I had been completely infiltrated. There was nothing to do but delete them and sign up again under an assumed name with a picture of the Überhund in my profile and let the people who counted know where I was now. Actually, I am only on there for the sake of some of my relatives who like to keep in touch that way and I go along with the program and I very often forget to go and have a look to see if there are any messages. At one time, I even forgot my password and my sign in name. Then I get badgered to get on there and read the messages and look at everybody’s photographs from weddings and vacations. I try to be good, I really try…

So, I got that all organized this afternoon and I didn’t do much else, because I also downloaded music videos from Youtube for it and pictures and lord knows what else. Actually, it is a lot different than Facebook in that way.

Anyway, besides walking the Überhund and eating, I haven’t done much. Oh yes, I opened the mail, but it was not that important, except a reminder from the bank that I have no money in my account and if I am going to do something about that soon. Well, yes I am. In about 2 days, as a matter of fact. The signature was printed, so I am not going to bother to call. I don’t expect any gangsters at the door yet.

This morning we had to pick out cards form a large deck of cards that had lesser personality traits on them. We had to try to pick 5 cards, which I did. Mine were, overconfident, strict, cynical, distant and too detail oriented. We had to tell what our cards were and what we thought about these lesser traits that we had, but when it was my turn I said that I wasn’t at all unhappy with my traits and that I could very easily live with them. Well, I wasn’t supposed to like them and I am supposed to work on them! Jeez! Really, Irene.

Hey, I’ve worked hard to become the person I am today. I am not just going to give that up without a fight. I want to be cynical, actually, I want to be all those things.

Well, now it ‘s raining like crazy again. It has been on and off all day and yesterday too. One moment the sun shines and then it rains. It’s like we live in the tropics. Tropical Holland. Buy your seafront property now in the Limburger hills.

Okay, that’s enough of that. I am going to watch some TV and get some much needed head rest. That’s not a thing to rest your head on.

You all have a good day or evening or whatever you are having in whichever timezone.


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I very stubbornly woke up at 2 AM and refused to go back to bed, even though I was shuffling through the apartment like a zombie and hardly knew what I was doing. A cat had barfed and I had enough sense to clean that up, but I hardly knew how to make myself a mug of Senseo and then I sat down behind the computer and kept nodding off, while the Ubercat kept trying to sit om my lap and we both kept tilting to the right.

I finally got up and made my second mug of coffee and had something to eat and now I feel a lot better as if I needed that extra bit of caffeine and that little bit of carbohydrates from the food. Before, my head was practically bouncing off the keyboard, I am now managing to keep it upright.

The Ubercat has settled himself on the desk right on top of all the MP3 players and I don’t see how he can be comfortable, but he wants to be close to me. He’s a strange critter and will sleep on top of the most uncomfortable objects, as long as they belong to you. It must be some sort of bonding he is doing. Other than that, he is the coolest cat in the neighborhood, well known for his bravery in staring down other mean cats.

I have gotten into the habit of falling asleep during the 8 o’clock news and not waking up until the Unberhund warns me that it is time for his walk. That can be anywhere between 9 and 10 o’clock. Suddenly he stands there with his face right in your face making urgent sounds that are not quite barks, but come close to it. He tramples and paces and makes sure you are aware of the whole little performance he is putting on. If he could put my shoes and jacket on for me, he would do it and he watches anxiously that I do.

I am now teaching him to listen when I say “To the right,” and “To the left.” I think he is catching on, because we can always make several choices on our walks, depending on the weather and the time of day and how long I want the walk to last. You can teach an old dog new tricks, as long as he is attached to a leash.

I didn’t do anything that was remotely exciting yesterday afternoon. i changed the bed and did laundry and hung the sheets out to dry, hoping it wouldn’t rain again. I fixed a belt that didn’t fit well in my jeans and now it does and I messed around with mu MP3 players, so that now the back light always stays on so I can see what is playing. I changed a light bulb in the bathroom and the Uberhund really helped me with that one, making sure I didn’t fall off the steps and didn’t break the glass from the fixture and that I didn’t electrocute myself. You could see the relief on his face when I was done with that. Of course, I talk him through the whole process, so he knows exactly what I am doing. He stays close to me with every chore I do and I think he is like my apprentice, picking up the tricks of the trade as he goes along. One day he will surprise me and do the ironing.

Speaking of which, I have so little to do of that now. Just some of my clothes and not even all of them when I am done laundering them. It would be a labor of love to iron my own clothes, I don’t mind doing that at all, having always ironed for other people. It’s fun doing things merely for yourself and a quite novel experience.

There are still things I can do in the apartment to make it more my own. Just little alterations and clean ups that have been waiting for me to put my hand to them. I’ve got a terrific Lou Reed poster that needs to go up somewhere, and other assorted picture and photographs that need a place, but less is more, so I must make sure I don’t overdo it. I don’t want an over abundance of stuff, I just want some things tastefully placed, but I sure as hell don’t want to be Martha Stewart. You know, all those tastefully arranged still lives, that look casual, but aren’t. That’s to artificial for me, because you can not remove one element without undoing the whole effect.

All the women’s magazines here are all about that too, all about perfection, perfect families in perfect settings in the latest trends. All those women make themselves crazy tying to recreate that feeling at home. It is all very deceptive, but those magazines sell like hotcakes, because they all make it sound as if they know what’s best for you and they are only trying to help you. I read them in waiting rooms and shudder.

Anyway. I’ve got to find a place for Lou Reed with his beautiful head. The Exfactor was supposed to have gotten a frame for me for it, but I suppose that is out of the question now. I’ll think of something. Where there is a will. there is a way.

Oh Goodness, today really is Sunday, isn’t it? It felt like it was never going to come around. For some reason it seemed like it was Thursday fro three days and then I thought it was Saturday for two other days. Surprisingly enough, I do know that it is June and that we are nearing the end if it. All you Americans get to have a 4th of July party, which I for one envy you because we don’t have anything like that in the summertime. although the French have Bastille Day.

Well, my animals are getting unruly, so I need to get busy interfering here. See what I can do to quiet the waters.

Have a lovely Sunday.


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I think I’ve got just about every document I need for my meeting with the man from social services tomorrow after noon, If i don’t have it, it is not for lack of trying. I have been running ragged collecting them all and making copies of them and just as I was doing that at my sister’s house yesterday, the ink ran out, so I had to abort that mission and go to the grocery store this morning to continue that. I had 11 pages left to copy and dreaded having to do it there, because I visioned badly run machines that would eat all my nickels and dimes, but nothing could have been further form the truth and all went smoothly.

I returned the items that I did not want for the dog and that was no problem and got him some new snacks instead that he likes very much. I even bought tobacco and have 11, 20 Euros left until Friday, which I think is pretty good, considering I don’t need anything else before that time.

I have decided to cut down on the coffee, I will no longer drink those huge two pad mugs of coffee anymore now, but I will drink the more demure one pad smaller mugs of coffee. I realized I was going through the pads at an alarming rate and I thought that was totally unnecessary, so I cut that down right away. Having never done any serious grocery shopping, I am finding out about al these things now and I can be a real cheapskate. It’s a challenge to spend the least amount of money and make the food last.

Out of the blue, I took a nap on the sofa this afternoon and was only awakened because the dog was barking very loudly. It turned out the girl next door was at the front door and had rung the doorbell but I had slept through that. I’m getting old, people. I woke up from the alarm clock this morning and had my leisurely hour drinking my coffee and petting the Uberhund. He is such a darling early in the morning and literally needs the sleep rubbed out of his eyes. Why have a grumpy man when you can have a sleepy huggable dog?

I hope I am never silly enough again to have the great misfortune to fall in love. I hope I am spared such a disaster. It would be such a worse state of affairs than the one I am finding myself in now. I suppose you have to be in the “falling in love sort of mood” and as long as I am not maybe it will never happen to me. I hope to God that I have learned enough from my “love” predicaments not to start down that road ever again. What I called love anyway, it may not have been the real thing at all, of course, but I am not going to bother to find out and put my feelings at risk and do any kind of experimenting. I thought I came pretty close with the Exfactor and if that is as close as I can get, I don’t want to find out how much closer I can get. Strike that one up for a pretty good experiment.

It turns out that the Paramount has more than one good male friend that she spends quality time with and the Exfactor claims that he is not jealous. He is all for given each other the space and freedom they deserve. He has a bigger heart than I have and doesn’t mind going where other men have also recently been. It is really an amazing thing, because the Paramount is not what we call mother’s prettiest. I wonder what the appeal is?

The Uberhund has found the one sunny spot in the living room and is curled up there now. It must feel good to him, to bathe in the sunlight like that. There is no sign of the cats. They have been hanging out outside a lot lately, no doubt because the weather has been so good. All is well, as long as they don’t make pests of themselves with the neighbors. Sometimes, one of them will take his life into his own paws and sleep on the new chair during the night, but as soon as I show up in the morning, they don’t know how fast to get out of it and make a beeline for the back door lest they get sprayed with the water bottle. I am mean like that.

Well, that’s all I ‘ve got. Tomorrow morning I’m seeing my SPN and in the afternoon I am seeing the man from Social Services who is going to make a determination about my benefits. So, you all keep your fingers crossed and hope for a good ending. I am a bit nervous, although i should not be, as I am an honest citizen.


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The problem with a super nifty digital alarm clock like mine is, that it goes off at 6 AM even on the days when you don’t want it to, because I don’t know how to keep it from doing so. I am sure there is an easy way, but I haven’t figured it out yet and frankly, I didn’t think it would be necessary. So when it went off at 6AM this morning, I dutifully got up, took my medicines, gave the dog his and made a mug of coffee and realized that I wasn’t awake yet at all. Neither was the dog, really. So we both went back to sleep.

Now it is almost 10 AM and I am awake and let the dog do a piddle in the flowerbed out back and he has gone back to sleep. That means I’ve got until noon before I really have to get the show on the road.

I googled myself and the people and animals involved in a number of possible combinations yesterday and always ended up at the blogs that have now been deleted, so I think this move may have worked. I just have to remember not to call the cast of characters by their true names. I will refer to myself as “She who writes the blog.” The cats will just be the cats numbered from one to three or referred to by their color. The black and white one will be the Uberkat, now that I think of it.

Oh, I am so enjoying my coffee this morning. It must be that special imported brand again. You know, the contraband kind that is carried across the border on a donkey’s back by a guy called Jose. And the tobacco in my cigarettes tastes definitely Virginian. It has that distinct Virginian flavor. Life is good, ain’t it?

I have a feeling the Exfactor is going to come by today to bring me the papers that I need on Tuesday, so I mustn’t dawdle and get dressed on time before he shows up on my doorstep. I think he is not with his Paramount because he has to work this weekend.

So this is just a shorty post, but I got my 2 cents worth in anyway and you know I am doing splendidly on this fine Saturday. I think there is something I am forgetting to do, but I can’t remember what it is. Maybe it will come to me later today. I tell you, if I don’t write it down, I forget about it.

Have a super Saturday. The Dutch are playing Russia tonight. Should be very exciting and I will watch, as the Russians have a Dutch coach called Guus Hiddink and he has trained them well.


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I have found the desk chair to be the most comfortable place to sit. I have tried the sofa and the bed, but this chair is definitely the best, because it offers the most support. So I can write the second post for today without too much pain. I find that the pain medication helps, in that I do have less pain and I move around a little better, but oops, sometimes a little bit too much. You do have a tendency to forget not to make certain kinds of moves. Much moaning and groaning goes on and Jesker looks at me quite puzzled. You can’t help but moan and groan, it escapes from your mouth quite unintentionally and makes you feel better.

I just uploaded another 7 CD’s to the Real Player to add to the other CD’s that I had already uploaded to add to my 4th modern music MP3 1 gigabite player. Now I cant get the Real Player to recognize the MP3 player, so there is some hitch. Still, I can listen to the music and that is quite nice as it is all new to me. How wonderful! I am that kid in the candy store again. Yippee!

Eduard did all the housework this morning and the groceries and walked Jesker twice and at noontime he said to me that he was going to ride his bicycle for a while. I asked him quite surprised why he was going to ride his bicycle, because the weather was quite nice and he said that he thought that I had quite a bit of animosity towards him going out on the motorcycle now. I answered him no, not at all, that he should definitely go out on his motorcycle and have a good time with L. and by all means enjoy himself and that whatever issues I had with that were all behind me now. In the shortest amount of time had his gear on and was gone. And frankly my dears, I don’t give a damn. I feel completely divorced from the whole thing. I don’t care where they go or what they do there. It’s all of no importance to me, because I am having a pleasant afternoon and I don’t give a hoot.

I do so love being home by myself with the animals and my music. If I don’t have it turned up loud on the speakers, I have it turned up on the headphones and it is nice to have a soundtrack to your life. I very often fall asleep with the music going and sleep with the headphones on and wake up with them still on. I think I am going to try and find more interesting music through Deezer and see if I can find it in the library. I will do that this afternoon, that will be a fun job to do as I sit here in this comfortable chair. That is beside the rock groups that I have already found. I had to reserve the Duffy album, I guess it is very popular right now.

I have four albums by Massive Attack and three albums by Björk. I really like her a lot. Amy Winehouse is great, but I am sick and tired of the song “Rehab.” I also like Damien Rice, because he is a pretty mellow fellow. And I like Katie Melua for her fragile voice and Lilly Allen for the same reason, except that she is more naughty. I suppose if I had to pick an all over favorite, it would be Björk. She is weird enough for me. I like a certain amount of weirdness. She is the kind of artist I would like to be in my next life.

Eduard accidentally bought a pack of Mocha pads for the Senseo maker and they taste very good, so I have asked him to buy those always. What a difference a flavor makes. It makes you realize that you should try something new every once in a while and not be so hung up on one thing.

Jesker is being impatient and pacing around me, but I’ve asked him all sorts of questions and I think he doesn’t know what he wants. he is probably just bored and then he wants a snack to eat, so I give him one. Bad me! The problem with his food is, that he is a very picky eater and he will only eat one kind of food and then only the small kibbles of it. He refuses to eat any other kind of food and will go hungry instead of eating it. We had a heck of a time trying to find a food that he liked and we weigh the portions that he gets. I am thinking of putting him on a rigorous diet of vitamins and green beans, because he loves green beans, but I have to talk to the vet about it. He also likes cooked carrots. I think that may be what needs to happen.

Gandhi just lied down beside him to get some affection from him and he is rubbing her with his nose. They have a special relationship, those two. When Eduard moves out, I would like for him to take Toby and Nouri, but leave Gandhi here for Jesker. That would also mean no litterbox for me, because Gandhi always goes outside. That would save me a lot of hassle. I have to be practical about hauling bags of litterbox stuff around. My sister is going to take me to do the shopping once a week by car, so that means I can really stock up on the bulky items.

I am mostly thinking about the purely practical issues of the divorce now. A lot needs to be organized properly, but it is all overseeable and manageable. There is not one thing that doesn’t have some sort of a good solution. Emotionally I have already removed myself a long distance away. I am really on the outside looking in and it feels good to be detached. Eduard has lost a great deal of power over me and I like that. He can’t pull me into a lot of these issues anymore. I am just like, yeah, whatever.

Well, that was my little chat for now. maybe there will be more later. I have visited some blogs today, but there are more to go. I can’t promise that I’ll get around to all of them. I’ll do my best, though.


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St. Servatius Basilicum

I went to see the GP this afternoon. It wasn’t our regular GP, because he has had a car accident and lies wounded at home now and won’t be back until the end of July. We are going to send him a get well card and hope that he is on his feet again quickly. Apparently he has quite a few broken bones. Poor man, what a horrible thing to have happen to you and he was in Belgium when it happened, not that they don’t have excellent hospitals there, still you are far away from home.

So, I saw a different GP, who was very nice and puzzled a bit at first by my story, but then realized that this was something serious, because Eduard was there to back me up and then he quickly ruled out any neurological problems. Then he had me undress and he examined my back and in a voice of horror said, “My God woman, it’s no wonder you tip over to the right, I have never seen a back as crooked as that!” Eduard and he both admired and commented on how crooked my back really was, while I stood there like a fool, totally unaware of anything, because I could not see my back, of course.

It seems that, because of chronic lower back pain, I have overcompensated and my back has grown crooked to take the weight off the pain. I am so used to the back pain that I don’t pay any attention to it, but it does limit my movements. On top of that, because I keep subconsciously trying to straighten my back, my muscles have become all sore on the left side from trying to stay upright, which I never manage to do anyway. Walking crooked has made me clumsy and it also has affected my bike riding skills, because I keep wanting to veer to the right.

I am so relieved that it isn’t anything neurological! I thought I was in for a life long struggle with something like that, that would get progressively worse. Of course, now I am going to have a struggle with this, that isn’t going to clear up overnight if at all. I am being referred to the physiotherapist, but I don’t think it will help much, I don’t have much faith in it. I am afraid I am just going to be a crooked woman, but at least I have an explanation for why it is so.

For those of you who all have great ideas on treatment, I do have to remind you that my insurance does limit the kind of “professional” practitioners I can see. Not every specialty is accepted as being a legitimate specialty. I think acupuncture is accepted, but I don’t think a chiropractor is. They are very few and far between anyway. My sister has crooked hipbones and she finally found some relief with an osteopath, but it was a long and painful and expensive journey and she still has problems.

The GP said for me to use a heating pad on my lower back and we do own one of those, so that will be nice to use, if I ever get up out of this chair. He said I could use painkillers too, such as Ibuprofen, but I take so much medication that I hesitate doing that.


Film Sound Track

The beautiful weather stopped today and rain moved in courtesy of France this time. We don’t owe it to England today, but tonight the clouds have drifted away and left us with the early evening sun shining from the west where it is setting over England one hour later than here. Greenwich Mean Time. All those English people are having their tea now and are arguing about which channel to watch the news on. Are all of you English people having your glass of sherry beforehand too or a glass of port? I used to drink Sandeman sherry, I don’t know if it was a good brand, it was what I could afford. Someday I want to come to England and eat fish and chips with vinegar over it out off a newspaper. Somebody will have to point me to the right spot and share the meal with me, because I can only manage a few bites. And I want to try beans on toast, I hear so much about that!

It’s actually so silly that we live so close to you, but let the Channel and the cost of the English Pound stand in the way. We so easily travel to Germany and France in comparison and it certainly isn’t the language that stands in the way.

I have been to Heathrow twice and briefly had some English money in my wallet when I bought a cup of tea and a bun to eat. I remember that at that particular place in Heathrow they had very ugly carpeting, but this was back in the eighties and it may have been the time for ugly carpeting. I think it was old rose and burgundy in a kind of plaid pattern. It boggled the mind.

All I really know about England is what I learn from literature and from watching very good BBC series. I do like the way English people make such good fun of themselves. You are better at that than any other European nation and it’s the kind of humor all the other Europeans understand and wish they could copy, but can’t. We don’t have that kind of highbrow slapstick. Ours is too common with ordinary oily looking types that don’t have one ounce of class. Or it is very intellectual and only meant to be appealing to a very customized sort of people, who all have gone to university and have money and status or pretend they have. Of course, they have to like this kid of humor, otherwise they will be outcasts. Gosh, even here there is still such a class system when you look hard enough. Eduard and I quite proudly belong to the X-class. Non-classifiable.



I am going to stop for now. I have to leave something to write about tomorrow.

I am working on my Deezer Sound Spot. I have found more music by female artists and I am eliminating some bands that I don’t think belong with the music I am picking out now. I am having a lot of fun, but it is labor intensive. I will get it just right. If you don’t like a song, just skip to the next one. See you later…

10:30 pm. I have had such a wonderful time on the Deezer website. I have thrown out Rammstein and Pink Floyd and found a whole bunch of new artists, one band by the name of Massive Attack who are completely new to me, but I really like them a lot, because they are a bit odd and I like that. I found some new to me women artists too and I am happy about that, because those are what I was looking for.

You know, it is really a shame that I am not more exposed to really modern music, because I see that I really do appreciate it, but through this website you discover it all, it is no longer hidden away from me. I live such a sheltered live, my god, I need to get out more often, but now I don’t have to, because I’ve got Deezer.

So, all night long I was pulling myself back up into a straight position. Now that I know what is wrong, I am not afraid to do that, but my back does ache, all those poor muscles! But that’s okay, nothing is broken or irreparably damaged,
well, I guess it isn’t. It’s not going to kill me and no limbs are going to fall off. That knowledge makes it easier for me to move around and that should help me. It’s all what you know in your mind that counts.

I am waiting for Eduard to come home. He was supposed to be here 30 minutes ago and it’s not raining so, of course, all sorts of scenarios play through my head. I do have an active imagination, rather call that overactive or hyperactive or extremely hyperactive. Woman, know thyself!

Okay, here is one for the road…

Nameless, because lost original and have no idea what it was.
Actually, I think it was a downtown street at Christmas time.

Well, it is actually tomorrow now, even though it is only 1 AM and Eduard is just safely tucked into bed. He listened to Massive Attack and agreed that they sound a lot like Portishead, which is a band we both like and then he made me listen to Louise Attaque who is a French singer with a lot of joi de vivre and a great band to back him up. I was tempted to include him in my list , but he really doesn’t belong there, so Eduard will have to start his own blog with his own player on it.

I am going to go to bed at some point, just not right now, but I am wearing my pajama’s and my bathrobe. I will get sleepy shortly and start making all sorts of spelling mistakes, which is what I am doing right now, so I better stop and say adieu, parting is such sweet sorrow.

Well, it is properly morning now, albeit still a bit early, 4 AM, but that counts as getting up time in my book. No doubt Jesker will be here shortly to tell me he has to piddle. I’ve got the music turned up real low so I won’t wake up Eduard, keep your fingers crossed. I am taking a real chance, because the apartment is little and I don’t know how far the sound travels.

I have to tell you guys something. When I got the diagnosis manic depressive some 14 years ago in the hospital, I also got, as a secondary diagnosis, borderline personality disorder. I never really warmed up to that diagnosis and for the most part did not believe in it, even though I got lots of literature on it and I could see how it applied to me in many ways. At one point I accepted it grudgingly for awhile, but at the first opportunity rejected it again and declared myself cured of it, if I had had it at all in the first place.

In the past 6 years there have been different caregivers who have carefully brought up the subject with me, but I was always very much rejecting and dismissive of it and nobody ever pushed the subject on me. They were aware of my feelings about it and didn’t want to upset me, but sometimes carefully suggested to look at something from a borderline point of view, which I then didn’t.

Until I asked my psychiatrist for a referral to a specialist team and one of his suggestions was to go join a team of specialists who specifically treat personality disorders, because he thought it would benefit me greatly and, although he knew I rejected the diagnosis of borderline disorder, to read the literature on it again and see if I couldn’t find myself in it.

Well, at first I was indignant and told him so, but then I started to think about some of my own behavior and became curious and got out my big folder with all my psychiatric literature that I have collected over the years. I had literature about the borderline diagnosis too and started reading that while taking notes and when I was done, I realized that yes, indeed, I probably still had that disorder and it was still affecting my life and behavior to a large extent.

I made a list of things of things I still do and a list of things I have stopped doing and emailed that with a note to my psychiatrist and the suggestion that I am willing to look into the specialist team for personality disorders. Unfortunately, I got back an automated response that he is out of the office until May the 4th, so I will have to be patient with that. Fortunately, I am seeing my SPN this morning so I can discuss this with her.

I don’t think it is a good thing for me to be in denial about this. I have accepted the manic depressive disorder and I am doing what I can to calculate that into my life, but there is something else wrong which is preventing me from having a smoother ride. There are too many emotional upsets and dramatics and I am too unstable. The medicine isn’t going to help me get over that, that has to do with behavior and unlearning some things, getting a better grip on myself.

Borderliners rapid cycle too, they are famous for going from one mood into another quickly and changing their minds about issues radically in a short amount of time. They are very quickly upset and become depressed quite easily, as easily as they become quite happy.

So, you can imagine my confusion. I am a manic depressive with a borderline personality disorder and where does one end and the other one begin? Luckily, the medications for the two conditions are exactly the same, so I’m okay there.

Well, it seems I am off on a new mental health journey. I left the literature out for Eduard to read yesterday and we had a bit of a discussion about it, but of course we need to talk to a professional. We will do that when my psychiatrist comes back from his vacation, or where ever he is.

Time for some art.

Still life with plant and candle.

I am having some terrifically creamy Senseo here. I never tire of drinking the stuff, double the pads in a large mug, very strong with low fat milk, no sugar. Oh, I know how to treat myself.

I think I have run out of things to tell you for now. Well, it’s been a lot already. hasn’t it?

Have a swell Tuesday, it is going to be some rainy Tuesday here. Tomorrow is Queen’s day and the poor queen will get drenched and have her pretty hat blown of her head. All the Royals will be blown to bits and get soaked. There are so many of them now, I don’t know who is married to whom and how many children they have. If one or two get blown off to sea, we won’t miss them at all, neither will the journalists that report on the big day. It would be sad for the queen, though.


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