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Posts Tagged ‘contemplation’

Contemplation.

The Uberhund and I are spending some time contemplating our navels. In his case we are not sure where his navel is, but we are contemplating it nevertheless. When we are done contemplating our navels, we are just going to stare at the walls for a while. It will keep us quietly occupied while we consider the universe and our place in it. Regular breaks will be taken for food and walks and other unavoidable activities. We’ll be back before you can say Schiermonnikoog.

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Egret Soup





“You can do no great things, only small things with great love.” This is a quote from Mother Theresa and I got it from Marja, the Dutch woman living in New Zealand.

The reason this appeals to me is, that I know that I am not a woman of Great Deeds with capital letters. I will never do anything news worthy or especially brave or commendable and I will never achieve fame or fortune or even earn my own living. None of those things are within easy reach of me.

I am woman of small deeds, with small letters. I have little achievements and reach little milestones and I don’t contribute in any noteworthy way to the general state of good of society. I am just a small insignificant woman of no specific reputation doing no specific activities to change the world. All the things I do are small, but are done with great love.

In my own way, I try to be a positive presence on this earth and a positive presence in the lives of the people I come in contact with. Sometimes that works out well, sometimes it doesn’t. I am not like mother Theresa, but I possibly do have some of her patience and I endure well.

Given the circumstances, I might have been a greater benefactor to my fellow human beings, but as it is, I need to put a lot of energy into being my own benefactor. When I was younger, I had visions of myself becoming a Peace Corps worker and helping people in third world countries, although I had very vague ideas on how I would do this and I probably had some very naive thoughts about it.

My life turned out quite differently and for a very long time I was moving along under a whole different set of circumstances than I had ever imagined myself to be in when I was younger. Now I am back to the base and I can reposition myself in life and reassess my thoughts and attitudes and abilities, but I can truly come to the conclusion that I am a woman of small words and small deeds.

I am comfortable with that and do not strive for anything bigger or better. If bigger or better opportunities do present themselves down the line, I will assess them for potentiality and see if I am truly capable of undertaking them. Until that time, I am comfortable living my life as it is now, one day at a time, nice and easy with as little stress as is possible.

Those profound thoughts came to me because of that quote and so there is always something you read that inspires you to stop and think a little bit more deeply about yourself and about what you do in this life.

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Now on to something completely different. I came upon an award while making my rounds of the blogs that I read. It was given away freely by Casdok to all of her readers. I took it and, of course, I am going to make it a little bit special again and hand it out to some people whom I think are special. First of all, here is the award:

The symbol stands for a heart, so it says, “I heart your blog.” I am going to give it to five people and than those people can give it to as many people as they want.

So, I give this award to: Omega Mum, Babaloo, Kris Cahill, Laurie and Andrea. I could give it to more people, but this is just to get the ball rolling. You guys can keep it rolling.

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My sister and I walked around the pond again yesterday afternoon and it was cold. The wind was blowing hard and I forgot to wear my scarf and I got quite cold around my upper regions. Luckily, we were sheltered by the trees when we got to the pond. My sister has been pouring her heart out about some personal matters and I have been very much trying to be a wise older sister to her and come up with all the right things to say and be very supportive of her. I don’t find this difficult, but I do realize that I can’t do this indefinitely, as I do have a limited amount of energy and after two days I do feel a bit emotionally drained.

She really does need someone to stick by her side right now, but luckily she also has a therapist whom she goes to once a week and this person sounds like a very sensible woman, so that ought to help her a lot. I realize that I can’t help her save her life, that she has to save her own life, but I do feel that I have to support her and be there for her.

Anyway, the weather was cold at noon time, but then when I went for a long walk with the dog at dinner time, the sun had come out and the wind had stopped blowing and it was lovely out, so you can’t depend on the weather at all, just that it is undependable. I do like going for longer walks with the dog, even if it is just for half an hour instead of an hour. We walk at a steady pace and get our exercise and Jesker knows exactly at which street corner to turn.

Our cat Toby has a cold, but it is slowly getting better. He had a runny nose and runny eyes, but he is not sneezing anymore. He is his normal chipper self other than that, although he does drink more water. We’ll keep an eye on him and make sure he is really getting better.

We’ve had to put Jesker on rice and white bread for having runny stools, but we think that is getting better also. He isn’t sick in any way, he just had the runs. We cook the rice in bouillon and he likes it very much and we buy white buns for him at the bakery. Those help a lot.

Eduard also has a cold and has been coughing all night. I don’t think we have any cough medicine in the house, so he’ll have to get some of that today. There is nothing more irritating than being awakened by your own cough all night long.

Gandhi and Nouri and I are all fine, we have no colds or anything else.

Well, I think that is about it for today. It is a little bit cold here and, of course, I haven’t turned on the heater, as I am just now realizing that my hands are freezing and s
o are my legs, so it is time to go back to bed for a little while with a nice glass of warm milk. I am actually hoping to find some cookies to go with that, but I think they are all gone.

You all have a wonderful day and be good and brave and do as many Great Deeds as you can. Ciao…

P.S. Blogger will not let me post the original image that was by John Mora and Sue O’Kieffe, but you can find it here on Sue’s weblog.

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Bewerkte Gele Bloem 2 Images number 1





There is a mixture of optimism and sadness in this apartment. Sometimes the one has the upper hand and sometimes the other. Sometimes I look at Eduard and I feel so sorry for him, because I see him sitting there, lost in his thoughts, pondering big issues and having a hard time with it obviously. I ask him how he is and he jokingly answers that he has to sit on the blisters for awhile, but his face speaks volumes, sort to say. I feel that sort of a heaviness has settled over us and we are both trying to square our shoulders under the weight of it. We both have strong shoulders, no doubt about that, but the weight is there anyway.

Eduard came home early this afternoon. He had not slept much last night and had spent a good deal of time tossing and turning and then got up too early for him. Since he has to work late tonight probably, he came home early and managed to take an nap. We hug and kiss and hope it is enough for now. I told him this afternoon, “I give you the choice again today, if you want to change your mind and if you want to go to her, then please go now, don’t let me stand in your way, don’t let me be the one to stop you.”

I don’t want to be the one who stops him from making up his mind freely. I feel the decision really has to come from him and him alone. He has to know what he wants and he may want to re-examine his feelings anywhere along the line, I can’t and won’t stop him from doing that. I will not keep him here against his will. I know that he struggles with his feelings and I know that we are not out of the woods yet, so in the meantime I am just trying to be very realistic. The worst thing for me to do would be to keep him here when he doesn’t want to be here.

I talked to my sister this evening and gave her a short update on how things are here. I told her, “We seem to be so sad!” And she said that it was a shame that I did not have anybody to talk to about my feelings in all of this. I know what she means, but I also feel that somehow I will get through this. I am talking through my blog, that helps. I actually started to feel more optimistic this afternoon for a while, I got a bit of my bounce back and I thought, “I can fight this!” But then that gloomy feeling settles over me again and I try to live with that.

I had affairs in my first marriage, when to me things were as good as over and I hardly saw my husband anymore and I felt like I was pretty much on my own. I fell in love several times, of course, and every time I thought I had found my knight in shining armor. Nothing could be further from the truth. I only found men who thought it was interesting to have an adventure with a young good looking blond Dutch woman and that is all they wanted me for. There never was a rose garden, no matter how much I wanted that and no matter how much I pretended that I didn’t want that at all, because here I was, mature and sophisticated and surely I could handle an affair, couldn’t I? No, I really couldn’t, because I was looking for more, I was looking for my big love, for the man to rescue me from my less than happy circumstances. I felt a lot of heartache in those years. I know about heartache, so I know about Eduard’s heartache, I think.

I broke off my affairs when it became clear to me that they would lead to absolutely nothing at all and went back to my pitiful life that I barely managed to keep going. I had children and I couldn’t just pack my bags and leave. I did have some sense of responsibility and decorum. The children were little and needed their father, little as he was there for them. I had no money and no prospects, so I stayed. But I know what it is to be in love and to have it beyond your reach, I am no stranger to that. That’s why I have a lot of compassion in this case. It can happen to anybody.

Eduard really blames himself and spends quite a bit of time beating himself up over it. I tell him it isn’t necessary, but he feels that he has to make some sort of atonement. I think he would have liked it better if I had become very furious at him, but I didn’t have it in me. I think he wants his punishment, which is a very Calvinistic point of view of crime and punishment, but I think it isn’t necessary. Eduard is not a bad human being, he is just a man with all the pleasant and unpleasant aspects that come with that. He is not holy, by any means. He is merely a man.

As a result I know one thing for sure, falling in love is not a simple thing to do, it is easily done, but not easily dealt with, unless you are heartless and don’t care about hurting people. I think Eduard’s conscience is too big and he couldn’t really pull it off anyway, or he might have for a while, but sooner or later it would have caught up with him. I think that maybe she wanted a relationship in which he would be married to me, but spend his spare time with her. I don’t know if she wanted anything else beyond this. Personally, I can’t imagine someone not wanting to keep Eduard permanently once you have him temporarily. Having Eduard part time, makes you want to have him all the time. At least, that’s the way it was for me.

Maybe I should have the courage to say,”Sure, you can have him part time, go ahead, see how you like him, see how much you appreciate him.” Sometimes I think I have that courage and I think I should just let them figure it out for themselves. I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself. Then they would be able to find out how many of their feelings are true and genuine and lasting and if they can lead to anything permanent. I would just need for Eduard to support me financially for a while, because I have no job yet and I can’t support myself as yet. Would a really courageous woman do that? Or would a really stupid woman do that? What do you say, people?

Actually, I would like everything back to the way it was last week, before this bomb was dropped. I would like my sense of security back and my sense of peace and quiet. I would like everything back to a dull roar. Have you ever heard a dull roar? I think it must sound like that sound they pick up in the ether that’s left over from the Big Bang. Or sort of the roar of Gods voice when he created the universe. Or the sound of a waterfall when you are almost near it.

I have to call Eduard in a while to find out if he is going to be late tonight and then make a decision about if I am going to stay up and wait for him. I would like to wait up for him and see his sad face and cheer it up a bit. I have no idea what is on the TV tonight, but then there is
my sister’s book that I should be reading, so I could stay up and do that. After having written all of this, I do feel an enormous sense of calm. I feel like I have had a session with a good therapist.

I may want to ask my psychiatrist about having therapy sessions with the psychologist who works in tandem with him. It is possible that I will be able to have some really good talks with her. I don’t know what her schedule is like, if she is really busy and if there would be room for me, but it may be worth the try. Maybe it would be good to get some input from a new person and I have met her in the past and have gotten along with her just fine. It is something I have to think about doing, it would require some amount of commitment on my part, you can’t be half arsed about these things. I’ll sleep on it a bit.

Due to circumstances, it is now not possible to post anonymously to my posts, so you do have to register if you want to comment. I have also re instated script recognition and I hope this doesn’t cause people’s comments to disappear, so you may want to check and see if your comment actually does show up here when you place it. I aim to please my best readers.

You know how I have the cluster map on my blog now? It is really a lot of fun to see the little dots show up on the picture of the earth, but I also have Statcounter, where I can get all sorts of interesting information about the amount of visitors and where they come from. It is pretty interesting in that it can show visitors paths and I can see where someone checked into my blog and how long they stayed there and at what time and on what date. It even shows the name of the town and the state and the country. The only thing it doesn’t tell me is your name, but I can guess sometimes. Sometimes it is pretty obvious. It’s really neat what they can do with technology nowadays.

Well, that about brings me to the end of my words for now. It has really helped to sit here and write this. I can see things a lot more clearly now. Call me Irene the Braveheart.

Have a great rest of the day and a good night. Ciao, people…

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Appel 2 Images number 5 and Contemplation.





I have been sitting here for a while, drinking coffee, chatting with my daughter who had spent the weekend with her boyfriend and who had just now gotten up to date on my blog, so she was full of curiosity about how I was doing. Luckily, I could put her mind at ease and tell her that I am doing fine. She is doing well too, but had twisted her ankle badly and now it is black and blue and she can’t really walk on it, so she will have to keep an eye on it and have it x-rayed if it doesn’t improve quickly. She was running in her high heeled shoes and that didn’t quite work out right. Never run in your high heeled shoes! They are only to look pretty in!

It is nice to be able to chat with her in the early morning hours when it is too early to make a phone call for fear of waking up Eduard. She does type fast, though, and I try to keep up with her, but I end up making a lot of typing mistakes, which then make things look rather funny, but she understands what I mean anyway. I will talk to her over the phone when it is morning for her.

Eduard has been up to get a cup of coffee, but has gone back to bed to sleep some more. It is early still, but the trash men are already coming by to pick up the trash. It’s a typical Monday morning when everybody has to go back to work and get all their numerous shows on the road. You hear cars leaving very early in the morning and wonder where those people are off to so early. Some people are early birds…

I got up at four am myself this morning, which is not such an unusual time and I went to bed on time last night, after having fallen asleep on the sofa. It does make me sound like an old lady, doesn’t it? All these naps I take on the sofa? It doesn’t worry me, though, I don’t think I sleep excessively much, I just do it at odd times. My friend Lucien always thinks I need to talk to my psychiatrist about my odd sleeping habits, but I don’t see much point in it. It has been this way for years now and I don’t think there will be much he can do about it. She also thinks it is odd that I have not made an appointment with him about the ultra rapid cycling, but I told her there really is no need, because there isn’t much to discuss. I do it and nobody knows why and that’s pretty much the end of it. I will try to look for clues in my life, but I can do that on my own and with the help of the people around me. I don’t need the active presence of my psychiatrist in this.

Yesterday evening I felt a bit off and I rated myself with a four, but I think that is mainly from fatigue and the catching up of events from the days previous. There is only so much you can digest all at once, after all, and then you need a break and you need to go to sleep. Sleep is a great savior, even when I dislike going to bed so much, I know I need to do it, because I know I need that shut eye just like anybody else. I would really become deregulated if I tried to stay up all night like I did last week. Although that did have its attractions too, but I think it did hurt me in the end.

I don’t know where this dislike for going to sleep has come from, but it may be from when I was always depressed and spent a lot of time in bed. I’ve come to associate laying in bed with being depressed and I think that is why I get up so quickly in the morning. When I was very depressed I was unable to get up and stay up.

The coffee doesn’t have its magical qualities this morning, nor do the cigarettes. The elves must not have been here during the night. You can’t expect those little dudes to come by every night, of course. I suppose the normal condition of woman is to not always be rushing with happiness, but to feel just plain ordinariness too. When your mood is neither here nor there. When it can go either way. I must admit that I like the highs of the happiness the most and I would wish to start every day with them, as it gives me such good hopes for the rest of the day.

In the meantime, Eduard has gotten up and so have the dog and the cats. The dog is looking at me accusingly, as if I should be taking him out already, but I know we have time yet. It is still early. I think he is trying to read my mind, either that, or he is trying to influence my mind. I wonder if cocker spaniels know how to do that? I don’t think they are that bright! The cats on the other hand do get to you with their hypnotic stare. You feel their piercing eyes in the back of your neck. I know I will get up in a minute to feed them and get that over and done with.

It is very difficult to type one handed and to pet your dog with the other hand. Sometimes it must be done to humor the animal a bit. He doesn’t realize what you are doing and tries to be very patient with you. Oh, this is great, Eduard is going to walk Jesker for me. That’s nice, now I don’t have to rush to get dressed yet. Phew, that’s a nice break for me.

So, now I have fed the cats and I can just leisurely finish typing this.

Well, instead of typing I have been sitting here ruminating about life and about Eduard and me. About our life together and about how we are in the end each other’s best friend and how my daughter said that that’s what she felt with her boyfriend too, that he is her best friend. That seems to be an important ingredient to a good relationship. To a relationship that can withstand some hardships. When I was going through my worst of times, Eduard always stuck with me, he never let me down. He was so loyal and so steadfast and dependable. He really could have said then and there, “Listen lady, I didn’t sign on for any of this.” But he didn’t. He stayed by my side and helped me see it through even when I thought there was no end in sight. I love him extra for that, of course, you can’t help but feel extra love in those circumstances.

Now I have the feeling that I have to stick with him, that I need to be as loyal to him as he was to me. That we are, first and foremost, a team and that as a team we solve problems together. When one of us drops by the wayside, the other one stops and picks him/her up and together we continue our way. Maybe this all sounds very idealistic, but it is the basic premise on which our marriage is built. I know we may be in for some rough times, but if we stick together, we will be fine and we will survive it together. I am not making any excuses for Eduard, nor is Eduard making any excuses for himself, he is taking full responsibility, we’ve just decided to tackle the problem together and to see it through together.

I guess what I am saying is, that Eduard and I have a long history together, we’ve been through a lot and always come out okay in the end
.

Well, now I have to pause for a minute and make some cigarettes as I have just smoked the last one. I will be back in a jiffy…

Okay, done that and put on some clothes, because I can’t sit here in my bathrobe all morning. Well, I could, of course, but I won’t.

I really don’t know what else to talk about. I have no news other than to say that I think today will be a quiet day and time for some laundry and some ironing. I can’t seem to get the right mood in my hands and that bothers me. It escapes me right now. If I had to give myself a rating now it would be a five and that is very low for a morning rating. Lots of things are bothering me, but they are all fleeting thoughts and unnamed discomforts. Some thing’s rotten in Denmark!

Have a great day, you people. Don’t get caught unawares in your feelings. Stay on your toes. And for heaven’s sake, be good for goodness sake! Ciao…

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Van Gogh 5 Images number 3.




Well, it has been a most interesting day and I have learned a lot in a very short amount of time. About how you can be free and open in your blog, but how sooner or later you run into a roadblock that you have to deal with in the most tactical way and how to be sensible about that without selling out on your own integrity. And how you can make people feel that you have hurt them, when there has been no intention to on your part and how in the end it is your blog, you own it and you own the words and the thoughts in it and you have to stand up for what you write and for the truth of that.

So, I will try to be a smart lady, but don’t expect any big changes on my part. I will continue to be honest and integral and scrupulous. I decide in the end what I write about and how I write about it. It is my life, first and foremost, and it is my vision on my life that I give here. No one can force me to do any different than what I have been doing all along.

Eduard and I have had a pleasant day. In the morning we were lazy and stayed in bed for a long time, surrounded by the cats and the dog. It’s a regular menage in the bedroom then. All that is missing is the three ring circus and the clowns. Eduard is quite funny as he walks around getting coffee in the nude without any worries about the neighbors looking in and seeing him walk around naked. I am more demure and wear my bathrobe. We drink lots of coffee and spend a lot of time talking. If we get too cuddly, the dog starts to complain and the cats start moping around because we accidentally push them off the bed. It’s always something!

Eduard worked on his motorcycle and I visited blogs and cleaned house, so what else is new. I think Eduard changed the gears on his motorcycle because I won’t be riding on the back of it anymore until next springtime and it rides better with the different gears with one person on it. He explained it all to me, but it only makes a little bit of sense to me. Of course, I don’t try very hard to understand it all, it goes in one ear and out the other. It belongs to the trivial information that I try not to remember, because I will never use it. Now, if he was talking about a car, it might be a whole different story all together. I always had visions of me one day taking an automotive class and to really know how to do the basic stuff myself. Now I know how to change a tire on a bike.

It has been kind of strange to find each other again in the relationship. It’s like we are rediscovering each other. We talk a lot about a lot of things and we pay attention to each other really well. Eduard has always been a precious person to me, but I sure behold him more now than I ever did. This is the way I saw him when we were first married and everything was new. When we were on the verge of a whole new adventure. I suppose almost losing him to someone else makes him more precious to me. He said to me, “If I can’t be in love with the other woman, I’ll have to be in love with you.” That’s sort of like that song isn’t it? “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.” Except that Eduard loves me, because he made that choice. I still give him the freedom to pack his bags and go to the other woman, but he won’t go. He wants to stay here with me. That counts for something.

My sister gave me a book that I thought was for Eduard to read, but it turns out that it is for me to read. I had completely misunderstood that. Its called In Spite of Love, How Do You Survive a Love Affair. I will start reading it tonight and all my other books will have to wait for now. I am curious about the kinds of things it will teach me. My sister said that it really taught her a lot when she went through a similar situation and I remember that well.

I have been able to give myself good ratings today, this morning I had an eight and this afternoon I had a six, so that’s not bad at all in the book of ratings. I have been writing down the scores for morning, afternoon and evening, because they do have a tendency to differ, with evenings being my lowest score and the mornings always being my highest. I love the mornings and I am always happiest then. I like the quietness of the mornings and the promise of the new day and all the potential of what can happen. I’m like a child who is getting ready to go on an outing.

At night things have piled up and I am trying to make sense of them and I am tired and I don’t want to think anymore. The best thing to do is to lay on the sofa with a cup of decaf Senseo. Eduard always very quietly reads his book and the TV is on, but nobody really watches it, it’s just background noise. Sometimes we turn on the radio, Arrow Jazz FM, and that is pretty mellow music that isn’t too taxing. No complicated music, no complicated movements and high running emotions.

Well, that’s all I had to say for right now. I just wanted to check in and let you all know how things are here. They are going well. We live and love and learn our lessons. That’s what marriage is all about after all. You stick together like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and it tastes good too.

Sleep tight, all you people out there, scattered all over the world. Have a good day and a good night, ciao…

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A little update on the day.

Actually, I just feel the need to write a little bit as I sit here behind the computer and contemplate life and such. It is turning out to be a quiet Saturday. I’ve cleaned house a little and I have talked to Eduard a lot. Every now and then he feels the need to empty out his heart and tell me all the things he is thinking off and I do a lot of listening. I never knew I had so much patience, but I find that I have a lot of compassion for him and a lot of empathy. He says that sometimes his heart aches really bad. Then he needs to talk about it and I sit and listen to him.

Bobbie says that my calmness may be shock, she may be right. I don’t know yet, we’ll see where the ship strands. I feel pretty good, I rated this morning with a seven and this afternoon I am still at a five, so that is not bad. I keep taking the Oxazepam on time, although with the last one I was a little late and that may explain my forlorn feelings. I don’t have anyone to talk to myself about all of this, so I have to be my own advocate and my own advisor. Isn’t that the way it usually is in life though, that you have to make it up as you go along and that you mostly fly by the seat of your pants?

I know you are all out there paying attention, so that is why I write. Eduard is sitting in his comfortable chair, reading his book. My sister gave me a book last night that is for people who need to get over a heartache. Eduard has looked in it briefly, I don’t know if he will read it. He usually doesn’t read self help books. I think that he thinks that I am his biggest helper now.

I put a scenario to him and said, “What if you had the choice of moving in with X and starting up a whole new life with her, and I gave you the freedom to do that, would you do that then?” And he said no, he would not. His love does not go that deeply that he is willing to give up what he has here, this security and this certainty. This familiarity with me, that comes about when two people have been living together for a long time. I would be willing to take that chance, if Eduard wanted to do that, so he would know for sure. But he doesn’t need to, apparently. He already knows.

We have the computer on all day long and we are both keeping an eye on the mailbox without saying as much. We both expect mail from X, although Eduard thinks that she will mail him at work. He says that he will forward all her emails to me, since I have now become his helper in his struggle to heal his broken heart. I am now his most trusted friend and not the woman he was hiding things from. Which role would you rather play?

Eduard says that he doesn’t know how he would react if he were in my place. He thinks he would be very jealous and do a lot of dumb things. Luckily, he will never have to find out, because I am not planning any sort of tristesse d’amour. I had to ask him how to spell that properly when I could have gone to bablefish instead too. So we are with each other. So full of trust and goodwill. We are each other’s best friend in the first place, I suppose, although at this point I am a friend with a bit of a heavy heart. Can you blame me, though? I feel that some lines of poetry would be very appropriate now and I don’t mean Plaisir d’amour…I am thinking like something along the lines of Robert Frost about the road less taken. Here is one I like:

Nothing Gold Can Stay.

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Remember that, nothing gold can stay, it will become something else altogether, but it can not stay. So Eden sank to grief, and we all sink with it in the end.

Such morose words, for such a morose mood. Yet I know that this is only temporary, because nothing morose can stay forever either, all things change constantly and so do moods. It is just some little words like this that penetrate my apparent calmness and make me think that a greater event has taken place that I have yet to understand. I understand it with my mind and now I have to understand it with my heart.

I used to write poetry myself, mostly when I was struggling with large life evolving questions. Things that made it seem as if they were about matters of life and death. They were about little deaths in big lives. Or big deaths in little lives. I get confused about that. Death of emotion and death of trust and death of loyalty. Death of togetherness and death of love. Eventually they lead to the death of the soul, which is quite dangerous and should be avoided at all times. Don’t let your soul sink to grief.

There was a poem about the prince with the ice blue eyes. I lived with him. This prince also had an ice cold heart and I could not melt it. Such were my limits in love. The poem was called In April, but I don’t remember the words. Some poems are better forgotten and so are the people associated with it. There needs to be a poem for Eduard and me and I have to find it. I don’t think we ever had a poem together, although he picked one out for me one time that was called: My mother Has Forgotten My Name, and it was very sad. Good, therefor I will find a poem for Eduard and me. Do you think that Pablo Neruda is too common? And too romantically sentimental? Should we stick with the old American Masters?

Sentiment creeps up on my body like a snake slithers up a tall tree. It will strangle me with its alluring words and rhyming emotions. I too know what love is and how a broken heart feels. I am no stranger to heartache, I have wallowed in it. I have to prevent Eduard from wallowing in the sentiment of his broken heart and make him see that there is life after each little death. That we have all died our little deaths over and over again and that his is just one of many. But I know it doesn’t feel that way.

Do you strangle the snake of sentiment that creeps up on your body? I don’t think so. I think you let him be and let him whisper those words into your ear. You need those words and you need to feel the emotions. But remember, he doesn’t listen to you in turn, he is deaf and only feels the heat of your body and only tastes the salt of your tears.

Okay, these were my words for right now, what I had to share anyway. There is much more left and it will all come out with time. Ciao…

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Last night, I fell asleep on the sofa and slept for about two hours. When I woke up, I was filled with self loathing. I felt a hatred toward myself that was so strong that I wanted to self destruct. I said to Eduard, “I really, really hate myself right now and if there was a pill I could take that would end my life right now, I would take it.”

Eduard, being his pragmatic self, said, “Irene, don’t you see what is happening? You are rapid cycling, you were fine just a while ago and you will be fine again after awhile.”

I said, “I don’t care, right now I hate myself and everything about me and everything I am and everything I have ever done and I think I am the lowest from of life and I want to be dead.”

Eduard decided to talk some sense into me and started to disprove my statements by arguing that I was certainly not the lowest form of life and that I did not deserve to die and that he loved me and that that had to be worth something. He said, “At least know that I love you even when you think that nobody else in the world does.”

I said, “Yes, that is because you are misguided and you are a fool and you don’t know what you are saying, because there is nothing to love about me at all and I may as well stop existing.”

I tried to explain to him that no matter how much he said he loved me, it could not take away my feeling of self hatred and my wanting to self destruct. I said, “Then you would have to lock me up in the house and never let me out again and stand here all day long and tell me you loved me and leave notes all over the place saying that you do and then maybe I would believe it and I might not kill myself.”

He hugged me and started talking to me about what kind of a person I really was and I could feel every cell in my body resisting him and the words he said. I said, “You are just making it up to make me feel better, but it is not the truth. I am a loathsome human being.”

He made sure I took an Oxazepam and together we waited for it to do its work, while all the while Eduard kept insisting that what I felt was temporary and that if I went to bed and woke up in the morning, the feeling would be gone. After about a half an hour, I started to feel less suicidal and I started to feel that maybe Eduard did love me and that this would be enough reason to keep on living and after about an hour I went to bed, still unconvinced of my worth as a human being. Still hating myself.

Luckily, the heavy sleeping pills did their job and I was asleep fairly quickly and now that I am awake again, the feeling of absolute self loathing is gone. I don’t hate myself anymore. I don’t wish to be dead anymore. I feel normal, like the ordinary every day Irene I usually am. I don’t think I am a lowly form of life anymore being punished by some God for the mere fact that I exist. I exist, full stop. Everything is okay now.

And Eduard was right, it was a case of rapid cycling, and I lived through it, although I have to say that all of my feelings last night were very real and I was totally convinced of their legitimacy. They were true then, just as what I believe about myself this morning is true.

It is strange, someone says to you that you are rapid cycling and somewhere in your head you understand the term, but all of your emotions tell you that you have to be dead that very minute anyway. What you feel is so real, that a logical term like rapid cycling hardly penetrates your mind. It doesn’t help you get out of the worst of it. It is only after the Oxazepam had started to work and I was calming down, that I thought of rapid cycling maybe being the cause of my feelings after all, and that I should give myself a chance until the morning to see how I would feel. It would have been really awful if I had woken up with the same self loathing that I felt last night.

This morning I am calm and collected and I feel good. I can see clearly now, the bad thoughts are gone. I do feel a bit sad and a bit betrayed by my own mind, that it will play such tricks on me, such dangerous tricks. I suppose that with experience, I will get used to this rapid cycling phenomenon, that I will learn to see it for what it is and hopefully never act upon it. Even when I am alone, this will happen to me and I have to find my own way in it. I have to help myself out of it when it happens. I remember how frustrated I was when I couldn’t convince Eduard of my so apparent lack of self worth, why he could not see that with his own eyes.

Well, onwards Christian soldiers, and all you other soldiers too. We pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and off we go until the next battle. I hope I learned a lesson last night, the one being that I must take an Oxazepam on time and if it is time to go to bed, to take my sleeping pills and to go to sleep. If it happens during the day, I’ll have to figure out a different strategy. Maybe take an extra Oxazepam and get on the phone with someone who knows what is happening. Of course, there aren’t that many people who can help me out with this predicament.

I think Neda made a very interesting collage and poem that definitely requires our attention and feedback, so you should go and see it here at Papiers Collés. Sue O’Kieffe has a new mandala at her site Sacred Circle Mandalas. To me, she is the master mandala maker and I am always excited when there is a new mandala, just as I am always excited when Neda has a new collage. They automatically invite you to react to them. Let me not forget Diane Clancy’s art that you will find here, as she always has very interesting paintings that always require a reaction from me when I see them. Her paintings are very open to interpretation, I find. These three people satisfy my deep artistic longings every day and I am always excited to go to their sites and see what is there. I am not that good of an artist myself, but I am very happy to see the work of people who are and I don’t feel one bit of jealousy when I do. I am just very excited that they are able to give such expression to their inner drives.

When I make my images and my mandalas and patterns, I obviously have no message. I only try and make them for the beauty of them. Sometimes that works out well and I am satisfied. But there is no deeper meaning to them. They are not about love or hate or war or passion or any sort of deep emotion. They are just pretty to look at. Neda’s art always has a message and I like that, because as you
look at her art, you can tell a story about what you see, even if the story is different from what the collage meant to convey from the start. It gets a dialogue going. The same is true for Alfonso’s collages (the forth person) and the story he tells to go with them, it starts a dialogue and it can get very interesting in many languages. Thank goodness there is Bablefish.

You learn to look very carefully and you learn to read very carefully, and you hope to come to some conclusions in your mind about what you have seen and read. You stop thinking of something as just pretty or not pretty, you start to look at things very differently. It stops being about aesthetics and it starts being about substance and meaning. I suppose that’s why it can’t be too abstract, because the meaning would be lost to us then, unless we had a large explanation about what one form meant in relationship to another. I would not like that myself.

Sometimes things are difficult to understand, when you try too hard to discover the artist’s meaning. You try to find out what her/his motivation was behind creating the art and you try to reproduce that in your reaction to it. But like I said, sometimes that is difficult and I find it easier to just narrate a story about what I see and what I think the meaning is, and that may be totally different from the meaning of the artists. You hope you don’t insult them with your humble opinions, hard fought as they are to come by. It’s an intellectual challenge and one you hope you are up to and that’s what makes it so much fun. It is as if you are reaching for something that is just beyond your grasp. You can see it and almost touch it, but not quite, until someone hands it to you. And then you say, “Oh yes, of course.”

Neda’s collages have gone from being aesthetically very pleasing to being intellectually very challenging. That is a conscious decision she made. They are still beautiful, but not on purpose. Their beauty lies in their refinement and the craft of the creator, but they are no longer just pleasing to the eye, they now require a reaction beyond the obvious one of saying, “Oh, how nice and how well done!” They now challenge you and confront you and are more brutal and in your face. But you can’t help but love them, no matter how tortured her subjects appear to be. You love her tortured subjects, I think because she loves them too.

Alfonso’s collages are so obscure to me and so minute, that I hardly know what I am looking at, and I have to read his text to gain some sort of understanding. Even then, I have to think about them for awhile before the meaning really sinks in. I usually don’t have a first gut reaction, that just happens once in a while. But again, I think it is a question of me not trying to guess what he means with his creations, but what I see in them or don’t see in them. Alfonso is quite a bit of a challenge to me and I think it has to do with the fact that he is a European intellectual and likes to remain somewhat obscure. He doesn’t like to be obvious, it has to be a bit of a puzzlement. That’s okay, it keeps me on my toes and thinking really hard. It’s good for the aging brain cells.

Speaking of aging brain cells…no just kidding, Eduard just got up and is making his breakfast. That means that I will have to slowly come into action too and I am not nearly ready for that. I am still enjoying my coffee too much and sitting here rambling on about things. When Eduard gets up, all the animals think it is time for me to get into action also, they want their food and they want to be walked. And I think, “No, not yet, let me sit here for just a while longer, please!”

I think I can drag this out another half hour at least. I stopped reading the mythology book when they came to the Norse Mythology and things became quite complicated with all sorts of Gods and a very strange creation story. It stretched the imagination quite a bit and I lost interest. It really had turned out to be a book for dummies and I didn’t actually learn that much from it. So last night I started reading Iris Murdoch’s novel, The Unicorn. I didn’t get very far, but I know I will like it as I like her style of writing. It is very clear and down to the point. She doesn’t embellish much. You could say that she writes like a man, but with female sensibilities.

It has been difficult lately to keep my attention focused on a novel. I don’t know if I have had just bad luck with picking out novels or if it is a problem with my concentration powers. It is hard for me to read during the day, I find that I don’t have the patience to sit down and read, which is unusual, I am not even reading the paper now. I find it hard to concentrate on the written page and I watch some TV instead and even then, I don’t care much about what I watch. It is all so very unimportant to me right now.

It is as if I don’t have the spare energy to put into it. A program such as Silent Witness seems to long for my relatively short attention span. I find my mind wandering of into the middle distance, contemplating other things all together. I am not worrying about anything, I just can’t focus my mind on anything right now, but writing this blog. That’s the one longish activity that I do. Other than that, I spend a lot of time just sitting on the sofa not really focusing on anything, not even the TV very much. I sit and drink Senseos and smoke cigarettes and am preoccupied with unimportant thoughts. Mostly I am meditative and try to find some sort of nice balance in my mind that is pleasant and peaceful. I think mostly that’s what I try to achieve, a peaceful meditative state. One in which I find no conflict inside myself and I very often achieve that.

Well, now I will end this long ramble and take care of the animals. I feel I am not nearly done ‘talking’, but if I go on too long, I will lose your attention and you will start to think, “Oh, she does go on forever and ever.”

Anyway, have yourself a terrific day and have a happy day first and foremost. Ciao…

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