Posts Tagged ‘daughters’

On a whim I’ve signed up with Twitter, because I read about someone else doing it. The problem is that I don’t personally know of anyone else who is signed up also, so it is kind of lonely out there. If you want to sign up and you are looking for me, my user name is ‘brightandsunny’. You know how impulsive I get and how I always want to try something new and hope that I will get some sort of thrill out of it. You didn’t know that about me maybe? That I am secretly a thrill seeker? In the very small sense of the word, of course. i only do it if the outcome is safe. That’s something I have learned as i’ve gotten older, to not take the really big risks.

Something is going on with my mood and it has been happening since Wednesday morning. I feel a decided slant of disagreeability sneaking in. I feel like arguing and there is an amount of negativity in there also. I am not so thrilled anymore with things and maybe that is why I joined Twitter, but who knows? I am negative about things that I was positive about before and doubtful about things I was sure of before and the thing is, that I know that I am not having a change of mind, but a change of mood and I have to be careful not to confuse the two and I have to not make any important decisions when my mood is negative like this, that’s the main thing to remember.

I think I am getting a bit dysphoric, meaning: a state of dissatisfaction, anxiety, restlessness, or fidgeting.

You will remember that I have had these sort of moods in the past, though I must emphasize that the restlessnes and fidgeting play no role here at all and the anxiety is at a minimum. I am just disagreeable to the point of being rude. I feel like being rude and disagreeable and not giving a damn.  Like that is perfectly okay. Can you think of a better place to exhibit such behavior than on the Internet? Instantaneous gratification.

I have not heard anything from my daughetr yet, but assume that all is well. She had told me that if possible, she would get hold of her father, who lives in Oregon, but it turns out that I don’t have the correct phone numbers for him. So I am going to call her again later today, although I have not much hope of getting hold of her. I wil watch the live broadcast again later this afternoon, even though it is pretty meaningless and doesn’t help me a lot personally. It does give me a general idea of how things are there.

The sun is shining today, but it is very deceptive, because it is cold outside and fall has really begun now. I were a sweater under my jeans jacket and I am postponing wearing my wintercoat, which is not much thicker. I may have to invest in a warmer winter coat with good pockets for all the stuff I always carry with me. House and bike keys, kleenexes, poop baggies, odd change, mobile phone, my wallet if it will fit. I’d like to go through life without a purse, if at all possible, but sometimes I don’t manage that. My purse always slides off my shoulder and I feel like such an old lady clutching it in my hands.

There must have been some mix up somewhere and I got an invitation from the center for work and income to apply for a job as hostess at a healthclub answering phones, receiving customers, serving drinks, and answering questions about memberships. I am sure they were thinking of the wrong person and, besides, I am not to apply for any kind of job until January, when I enter into some sort of program to get back into the labor force after having been out of it for a very long time and also with special aid as a psychiatric patient entering the labor force again. I emailed back stating as much and have not heard anything since then.

When In Babylon, do not act like the Babylonians and do confusing and irrational things.

My dear and most true Überhund is bored and he translates this into meaning that he must want to go out, although it is not time to, but to make his life bearable, I will now take him for a short spin around the block, so I will see you in a while.

Well, it turned into a long spin around the blog and I am always secretly proud that the Überhund stays on the narrow sidewalk by the busy street and never wanders into the traffic, even though I don’t shorten his leash. He does know where the sidewalk ends. Also, some gentle tugs and one command from me get him going in the right direction, so he is full of goodwill. I think that tug of war that we had at the beginning, when the Exfactor had just moved out, was won by me.

I am now using the Google reader again to stay updated on the latest blogs, after I had developed a problem with it, which is now solved. It does save you a lot of senseless clicking around. I am going to add some new blogs to my blogroll, I will try and remember to do that after I have finished this. I find blogs of note does not always give you such very good blogs, but sometimes there is something there that is interesting.  I am still waiting to show up there myself one of these days. I am not humble, am I?

I have put a bandage around my arm where I had those two scabs that I kept bothering and even now it’s hard not to mess with them. I want to scratch them when I exchange the bandage, but the little wounds are healing. The Exfactor had an enormous scab on his knee that had to be dissolved with some special plaster, because there was an infection underneath it. I would have had a field day with that one. I don’t know how he could stand not picking it off.

Well, now I am going to try once again to figure out that famous widget of the Black Box that everyone is so lyrical about. I could not get it to work on  WordPress, but maybe there is a way I can do it after all. I am nothing else if not stubborn. WordPress does have it’s limitations, which makes me sometimes long for blogger and I have to give it a long hard think about what I want to do, maybe switch back again?  We”ll see.

Have yourself a good Sunday.



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As I write this, my daughter is being besieged in Houston by the back end of hurricane Ike. I have been following it live on http://www.khou.com/video. She was one of the people who was advised not to evacuate, leaving the freeways clear for the people who did have to evacuate. I haven’t talked to her since last night when she was making the last preparations for the hurricane to come in. She had taped the windows, so they would not shatter, and had gotten all sorts of supplies from the store. I am trying to understand all the information I am hearing on the live reporting, but I am unfamiliar with a lot of the areas and neighborhoods that they are describing. I will try to call her later this evening and try to find out how she is doing. I am sure she is fine, being the eternal optimist that i am. They are without power and I may not be able to get a hold of her. We”ll see.

In the meantime, I am sitting here quite uselessly waiting for the delivery person to get here and isn’t it always so that when you are waiting specifically for them to come, they show up at the end of the afternoon, when it could have been any time of the day. I just walked the Überhund, because he had to go out and I taped a note to the door saying that I would be back in the shortest amount of time, but she did not come. I need to go to the store to buy tobacco and hope she gets here before the store closes. It’s all a bit a pain in the neck, but nothing compared to hurricane Ike, of course.

This morning I was out briefly, but I knew my neighbor was home and I know the delivery person would have left the packages with her if she had not found me home. I had coffee and a little piece of pie with my sister and her in laws and even the tiny little piece of pie was too much and I had to make an emergency trip to the bathroom. But it tasted good going down and I learned another lesson after having had my gastric band filled recently. There is always a period of adjustment when I have to learn again how much I can eat.

It’s now 8 PM and I’ve tried to call my daughter, but I only got her voice mail. I am sure she is fine though, going by my maternal instincts. I refuse to picture all sorts of worst case scenarios in my head. Besides, it seems that the hurricane didn’t do as much damage as they had expected. I will see this positively.

The delivery person didn’t show up and I have a sneaking suspiscion that she was here this morning while I was out, while she normally does not get here until noon or later. Oh well, she will be back on Monday, I am sure.

Now rests to me the task to tell you something entertaining and I don’t have one bloody entertaining thing to tell you. Frankly, my dears, I am going to put on my pajamas and make myself comfortable on the sofa and watch the silly box for a while. I’ve just walked the Überhund and that will have to do for tonight, he can piddle out back if he wants to later.

So ciao to you and you and you and you…

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This was going to be a very productive day with me vacuuming and cleaning out the last kitchen cupboard, but somehow it isn’t turning out that sort of day at all. Instead, it is turning into a cozy day at home with the Uberhund and the cats, while outside it rains on and off and the world gets refreshed and very brightly green. I do like cozy days at home and since the day is only half way over yet, all things are possible and I may surprise myself and accomplish a big deed yet. We’ll see how the mood strikes me.

I do like this kind of weather. It makes me feel all safe and comfortable inside my little apartment and with just a few lights on it gives an atmosphere of real coziness. Dutch people are big on coziness, It is a stop word for us. We are always looking for it wherever we go.

I did just go and have a coffee with my sister where she practiced her signature in her maiden name and we had to find the nicest one. We finally settled on the best one that is also the most readable. She had changed her signature when she got married, where i had kept mine when I did, so I did not have that added problem. I gave her the book on how to get through a divorce for the first time that has many good tips in it. I hope it helps her a lot. They have the added complications of children and shared property, which the Exfactor and I didn’t have.

The Exfactor and the Paramount only see each other once every two weeks. Doesn’t sound like a very intense relationship, does it? He says that this is fine with him and I’ll have to take his word for it, but I wonder if he was not hoping for more. I think he might like a little bit more companionship than that. I don’t know why this was arranged this way, if it was to give her room with her other friends or if it is truly to give each other the space they need, but it is unconventional, considering he gave up his marriage for it.

He told me very proudly the other day, that he had not been reading my blog anymore and I said that that was good, because he would not have been able to anyway. I do appreciate him making the effort in not reading it anymore, but I still think it was better to remove the temptation all together and especially remove it out of the regions of the Paramount, crafty as she is. A woman does have a way to figure things out if she wants to badly enough. I’m a woman, I know these things.

I was once in a relationship with a man who was very dishonest emotionally. I learned to be very crafty and discover the truth about most things, but I did not enjoy playing that role of detective and being a subterfuge person. I developed a dislike for myself and my behavior, forced as I thought I was into it. It was all a very sick game we were playing and tearing myself lose from it was very painful, because dysfunctional behavior becomes addictive sometimes. Maybe the Paramount got a thrill out of the illegality of the relationship she had with the Exfactor. I hope for his sake that there is more than that. I wish for him to have romance and love in his life.

I, on the other hand, wish none of that for me. I wish for good friendships and good relationships with my sisters and my daughter. I wish for my mind to be equally clear and strong in the morning as it is at night when I go to bed. I want to continue to have these nice and relaxed relationships with the Uberhund and the minion cats, this harmonious togetherness.

Oh, by the way, the Uberkat and his sidekick the white cat are staying with me. In turn, the Exfactor is paying for my mobile phone. He wants them to stay in a place where they are happy and not subject them to a move and the stress that comes with it, not knowing where he is going to end up. it may be in an apartment 5 stories up.

Now it is true that the animals have been especially mellow since the Exfactor has been gone, so he does seem to have functioned as some sort of disturbing signal in the apartment. That is gone now and everybody is very relaxed. We have our routines and regular eating times and serenity and solitude and it all makes for quite living with some nice music in the background. I think the animals pick up on that.

So I don’t mind if the Uberkat and his white sidekick stay. They are no problem at all and I hardly notice any difference with one cat or three. Of course the one minion cat will always be the Uberhund’s favorite, but I am working on him accepting the other two more also and to not be so jealous of them. That’s why I have two hands to pet two animals with at the same time.

My sister was here briefly with her dog and he is not used to cats and is secretly afraid of them. He tries to hide this behind a certain amount of bravour and acting tougher than he is, but he is really afraid that they will jump up at him and bite him in the face. My cats don’t know this and find safe and high places to sit while he is here and glare at him with a lot of suspicion in their eyes. The dog sees their food dishes and thinks of only one thing, how to devour what is in them as quickly as possible. You know: Found food and all that. That dog has food on the brain.

The Uberhund has no sense of ownership when it comes to my sister’s dog and makes no effort to protect his territory. He doesn’t protect the cats or their food dishes.

Well. I typed a whole bunch of more stuff after this, but WordPress developed a problem and didn’t save it and swallowed my post. Luckily, it saved most of it as a draft, but then I had some trouble retrieving it. So I went off and did some other things, like vacuum the living room and the sofa and the chairs. I did accomplish something anyway and then there’s that one kitchen cupboard to clean yet.

Art, where’s the art? I don’t know, I am not artistic lately, I feel like a total dud when it comes to artistic endeavors and I need to be inspired by something grand. There are people out there doing some really good things, but I need to do something really good in real life in my creative therapy class. I have a vision of making a sculpture out of clay and I have the general shape in my head, but getting it done 3 dimensionally is something else all together, of course. I hope not to find out that I really am a total dud and not bake anything of it at all. I would hope to be exuberant, but I’m afraid I’ll just be uptight and narrow minded.

Alright, I have to read some blogs now. It’s a promise I made myself. I must do it. I’ve got an hour before I have to walk the Uberhund, so that gives me some time.


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What have I gone and done now? Well, I was very casually vacuuming the living room and thinking about my ex reading my web log and how it was really not good to put that daily temptation in front of him like a very sweet desert in front of a fat person who is dieting. I mean, who wouldn’t want to know what kind of thoughts are going on inside the head of his soon to be ex wife, wouldn’t you be awfully curious? So, I thought, enough of that, you do not tie the cat to the bacon, as they say here. I must remove the temptation for him to read, although I kindly suggested this morning that he stop reading the blog.

It is too much temptation and I wouldn’t be able to stop either. So, the next best thing was to move the blog to a to him undisclosed location and hope that he doesn’t figure out where I am now by being so god darn smart. If I were him, I wouldn’t make the effort and let it go. I hope he is smart enough to do that. I also don’t want his paramount to start reading the blog. Yes, I wrote paramount and not paramour on purpose. Paramount means: commanding, controlling, dominating, dominative, governing, preponderant, regnant, reigning, ruling and I really have no idea if the poor woman is anything like that at all, but I liked it better than calling her a paramour which means: A person’s regular sexual partner.

What name shall I cal my ex? He is sort of a dominant person himself and preponderant and commanding, so I should come up with a good name that has that meaning in it too. No, I’ll just call them the Exfactor and the Paramount. The He and the She. I don’t have that many unkind thoughts about them, but I wish to be a little bit of mean about them sometimes, to get some of the frustrations out occasionally that I will never show in public. In public I will be a most reasonable woman who will not show the back of her tongue and who will always be kind and polite and who could Hillary Clinton look like she needs charm lessons.

I have had a most pleasant day so far, except that I asked the Exfactor to do me a favor and in his discombobulated mind he got things all screwed up and it took several phone calls to get it somewhat straightened out. At least to the point that it will hopefully be satisfactory to the people of the Social Services whom I will see on Tuesday. I should have taken care of this myself, but instead depended on the Exfactor’s stamina on his bike and his reasonable intelligence. I must remember not to do this anymore and depend on myself to take care of delicate matters, as it seems that our minds work differently. It must be the Venus/Mars thing. I will just have to try harder on my bike and not be intimidated by long distances and wind that blows straight at you.

Anyway, I vacuumed the apartment and polished the furniture and picked out a slipcover that my daughter had offered to buy for me as a housewarming gift for the new chair. I suppose I should have a housewarming party, but I think I am just going to wait until my birthday in September and invite a bunch of people over then. Hopefully, I will get very good gifts. I will start dropping very heavy hints soon. You can’t start soon enough with those things.

I filled two glass containers with different teas and one with pasta that I don’t eat, but it looks good. I have one empty glass container left for I don’t know what, so if anybody has an idea. It is airtight.

I went grocery shopping and spent 22 Euros and that should last me for the week and then I’ll have to get a few things for the weekend. Aren’t I a cheap woman? I even got very nice treats for the dog. I have to call him the dog now so he won’t be recognized by name. The Dog. The Uberhund! I bought some new cat kibbles that are a good brand, but just a bit cheaper and the cats like them very much. I always put down two bowls for three cats and one bowl is empty and the other is nearly so. Those troopers! They know we’re on a budget.

But guess what I just saw happen. The Uberhund was eating cat food! Aha! He ate all of it. Well, you know what that means. The cat food needs to be moved to the counter. That stinker, he has never done that before. I actually find it very funny, because Toby was convincing himself the other day that he liked the dog food. Well, now my wooden shoe breaks.

The Uberhund must think he has died and gone to dog heaven with all those dishes of good food and the snacks. I am trying to keep him on a diet so he doesn’t gain anymore weight, this will defeat all my efforts.

When you live by yourself, you have no dishes to wash, at least I don’t. I don’t cook for my self and eat simple food that is easy to fix. I have at the most a glass and a mug and a knife and a small plate. I rinse everything off right away. I never use the stove and I heat milk in the microwave. Milk with honey before I go to sleep.

Okay, that’s the end of the introductory epistle to this new blog. I’ve got some things left to do to it. Hope you are all going to have a great day. Oh goodness, it is Friday. remember how that used to be my favorite time of the week? Well, I have other days that are now, depending on what happens on them. I do like Saturday a lot now.


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Bowl with Junk:

I am not sitting here in my regal red bathrobe, but in my clothes, as that is what I was wearing when I fell asleep on the sofa last night. I hadn’t planned to fall asleep there, it sort of overtook me by surprise and before I knew it, I was gone from this world completely.

I had very intricate dreams about a very evil child who was not me, nor was she my daughter and I don’t know who she was instead, but she was a sheer devil. She could put on her wily charms at the drop of a hat and she was a very calculating little b*tch. It is almost scary that I am capable of dreaming these kinds of things and I wonder what Jung would make of it.

It is a good thing to wake up to reality when you dream like that and realize that you real world doesn’t look like your dream world. I check all the different parts of it for evilness and find out that, no, there is none such in my life. I did have a very scheming and conniving grandmother, but she died and I don’t think it was her in the dream.

I have had two cups of regular coffee and now I am drinking decaf to see what will happen. Maybe I will get sleepier sometime during the wee hours and feel the need to go back to sleep again. It’s an experiment. Of course, it is possible that when I do start to feel sleepy, I’ll switch to regular coffee again, because I am having too much fun staying up. Decisions, decisions…

One thing is for sure, I tried not to turn on the computer right away, but that was as impossible as not breathing, so that experiment failed. I wanted to sit and just enjoy my cup of coffee and my cigarette, but then I thought, “Who am I fooling, turn that darn thing on already!” So I did and I felt much better. Some habits are best not broken, they just feel good.

Yesterday morning the dog and I went for a longer walk. I forgot my gloves and came home with quite cold hands. I could have frozen ice cubes with them. The dog enjoyed his morning constitution and we ran into one other dog who took one look at Jesker and decided to go the other way. It is funny to me that Jesker can be intimidating, because he is such a kindly looking dog, but I guess not always when you are another dog.

I always look at Jesker from the rear when we go for a walk and I think he is quite comical looking, as his rear legs are kind of bow shaped, as most dog’s are, and it makes him look kind of like a little tough cowboy. He ought to wear a Stetson and have a cigarette dangling from his lips. I am sure he thinks he is really tough looking the way he swaggers down the street, but he doesn’t fool me one bit, although I am sure he is a hit with the ladies.

I am always surprised that he isn’t bothered by the cold, while I am wrapped up in layers of clothing. He never shivers. He must have the ability to stay warm even in the cold and he must have an internal mechanism to keep the heat up. I wish I did, as my extremities are always very cold and you can ask Eduard about that. He has felt my cold hands and feet.

I didn’t feel like going to the grocery store and we didn’t really need that much, so I went to the little Mom and Pop shop around the corner where are the items are packed to the ceiling and where you really can buy just about anything. It is fun shopping there if you know where to look. I couldn’t find the cornflakes until they were pointed out to me some seven feet up on a shelf. They do have a good enough selection of cookies there and those were what I was after. Butter spritz with chocolate and little rolled up cakes with whipped cream and jam. Oh, so fattening!

My daughter and her boyfriend came to dinner last night and that is what the cookies were for. I figured we’d have them afterwards with coffee. but we never did get to the coffee part, because the wine tasted too good.

I made a wild mushroom soup, courtesy of Unox with extra mushrooms added in and a container of creme fraiche. I had also made my famous leek pie and I must say that it turned out very well last night. Sometimes, it is especially good and last night was one of those times.

My daughter keeps regaling her boyfriend with amusing and comical stories about her childhood and tells him about people and events that I have half forgotten, but that jar my memory when she tells them. I am so amazed at what she remembers. Apparently I told her, when she was little, that it was good to have lots of pets, because when war broke out we would always have something to eat. I know this is true, it is something I would have said, remembering the hunger winter of WWII, but hearing her say it, it seems so shocking.

She has lots of stories about her and her brother and the kinds of adventures they got into together and some of these things I know nothing about. I am just hearing about them for the first time. And then she says, “But Mom, we were good kids,” and she is right, they were good kids for the most part and I could trust them not to do anything too stupid.

I am glad that she is remembering her childhood with lots of humor. It seems to be a great source of amusement to her and I am happy for that. I think the fact that she had a brother who was so close to her in age and who was her buddy really helped her. They always had each other in the good times and the bad times. At least they could ridicule their parents together when we were being completely disagreeable.

My daughter talks about her brother a lot. He is most definitely a big part of her life still. I think she misses him a lot. But all her stories of him are happy ones and she talks of him with joy in her voice. She is very happy when she finds a photograph with him in it that she hadn’t seen yet. Especially one in which he looks very handsome. He was such a good looking young man.

I am very happy that my daughter is keeping her brother’s memory alive so well. I don’t get a chance to talk about him that much and when I do, it is always with a certain amount of sadness. It is good to talk about him with a certain amount of joy. To remember the happy times. To remember who he was apart from the person who had cancer and suffered so. I’ll make it a point to ask her to tell me more good stories about him and about them.

Some cats are sleeping on the kitchen counter as if that is the most comfortable place to sleep. I don’t know what they are waiting for. Their dishes are filled with kibbles and there is milk in their other dish. Maybe they’re hoping to get lucky and
get some spare luncheon meat. I have been known to give that to hungry looking cats. I think these cats may have me figured all out.

The dog is eyeballing me from his pillow as if I am wearing something that belongs to him. Sometimes I think that these animals have ulterior motives in so innocently hanging around here. I think they want things. They’re constantly keeping me under surveillance to see if I’ll do something that will be to their advantage. It’s a cat and mouse game.

My life wouldn’t be half as amusing without the animals. They are a constant source of humor to me. Actually, there is a lot to be said for the study of animal behavior, although I am studying them in a domestic setting, which influences the outcomes of the results I get, because we do influence the animals quite a bit.

Eduard says, that the animals have nothing better to do than to study us all day long, so they know us better than we know them and they know exactly how to get us to do the things they want us to do. They are only limited by the language they can use to express their desires.

Toby makes urgent noises by the kitchen door when the kibbles are all gone. Gandhi becomes very affectionate when the milk is all gone. Nouri is kind of dopey and leaves it all up to chance. She just takes advantage of what the other cats do for her. I think when push comes to shove, she’ll let me know that she needs something, but so far it hasn’t been necessary. There is always Toby ahead of her demanding new kibbles in the dish and when he meows, she meows too. She is codependent.

I have taken some pictures with Eduard’s camera, but the deal is, that it is Eduard’s camera and that it is hands off for me and that I can have my own camera if I want to. I haven’t decided if I want to yet, so for now I am dependent on him for interesting shots to make my images with. I suppose I could sit down with the instruction booklet and really get to know Eduard’s camera, but that would imply that I would be planning on using it and I don’t want to seem presumptuous. He really and truly wants his own camera and really and truly thinks I should have my own if I want to seriously take photographs. I don’t know how serious I am yet and if I want to spend the money. I’ll have to think about it for a good long while.

He does take photographs keeping my hobby in mind and there are always lots of shots I can work with. You know how I make a series of four images? I know the first and the third image of the series are the best, yet somehow I am compelled to post all four, just because I make all four. I have thought about only posting images one and three and then doing double images. I don’t know, I have to think about it. Maybe I’ll come up with a solution today.

Tell you what, lets take a vote, should I only post images one and three or should I post all four images of the series? You tell me and please, be brutally honest. I know you can do it. I’ve seen you do it on other blogs. I like to show the whole sequence, because that’s what I make and they are connected, but I can see the charms of only posting one and three, because they are maybe the best.

You tell me!

I have been so busy doing other things, that I have forgotten to polish my nails and now I look like a floozy. I can’t have that and either have to wear nail polish properly or not at all, none of this half off stuff. I have always disliked that about other women’s nail polish when it wasn’t on right anymore and I used to think, “Oh, I would never walk around looking like that!” Well, now I am and in just a few minutes, I am going to wipe it all off.

I realize that I am no fun in the evening. Some time after dinner, I start to yawn and my level of energy declines rapidly. My ability to keep up an acceptable level of conversation fails and I start to give one syllable answers. My daughter suggested a game of Scrabble and I could only decline with some amount of horror, even after she offered me the chance to play in two languages. I am intellectually not up to that after dinner and I could probably only make one syllable words like “What” and “Who” and “Why”. Or words like “Poop” and “Pee”.

I am not a great one for playing games anyway, as it requires a level of concentration that I just don’t have. I get distracted and bored to quickly and I don’t have a killer instinct. I like to play poker if it is a fast game, but Scrabble and Rummy Cup take too long. I also like a fast game of dice, as long as it moves quickly. I’ll have to remember that the next time I am almost falling asleep. If people would just get up early in the morning like I do, we would all have a great social life, but they all sleep late and don’t get going for hours later than I do. I get bored in the morning waiting for the world to wake up.

I’ll be happy when the holidays are over, because I have been eating things other than what I usually eat. I have had a lot of sweets and I haven’t weighed myself for some time and vow I will not until I start eating more normal again. I have an appointment with the Obesitas Nurse Specialist on the 14th of January, after I have my first appointment with the dietitian. Lots of good and sensible advice will be given me, but mostly it will be the moral back up that I need to get rid of the last kilos. And I hope that the gastric band will be filled one more time, because I think there is some room left for improvement. I definitely should be eating smaller portions.

Well, I suppose this epistle has grown long enough for one sitting. It has been most amusing sitting here writing it and I could go on for hours. I won’t, though. A woman does have to know her limits and the limits of her audience.

I wish you all a very good day, with lots of productive and creative hours. Ciao…

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I slept from 5 pm until 10 pm, woke up and ate something and took my medicines and then went back to sleep and woke up at 3 am this morning. I would say that is plenty of sleep, wouldn’t you? Maybe not at the right time, but still…

I woke up on the sofa and Eduard had put my duvet over me, because it was going to be very cold out last night and he was worried about me freezing to death. Of course, it never gets that cold in the apartment, so I would have been fine, but it is the thought that counts, and it was a kind thought. He had also left one light burning and the lights on the decorated branches, so it was quite cozy when I woke up.

I got an email from my daughter saying they had landed in Paris safely and had already been to the Picasso Museum. They had flown first class from Toronto to Paris and that had been a rather nice experience. They are going to be here on Saturday and I can’t wait to see her. That is only two days from now, since it is already Thursday here. They were rather shocked at the rate of the dollar opposed to the euro and said that their dollars did not go very far. This is true, the euro is pretty mighty right now. There are Europeans who go shopping for a new wardrobe in New York and still save money after they pay for the plane fare.

I had a haircut yesterday and it is within an inch of being too short. As it is, it is just right. It is very easy to take care of hair and I hardly have to mess with it. It is very short on the sides and in the back and longer on top. I asked them to cut it this way as I wanted easy out of the way hair. I was messing too much with hairspray and having to brush it in place just so.

I love going to the hairdresser and having my hair washed and cut and blow dried. I like being pampered for that short amount of time and find it very relaxing. It is worth the fifteen euros I pay for it, which isn’t bad at all. I also like to sit there beforehand and watch other people having their hair done. The ugliest people turn into princesses after they get the proper haircut or have their hair messed with in some other way.

I also received a much waited for package from the H&M Store with some clothes I ordered on line. A pair of trousers in a size 44 that just fit me and a gray tunic, that is really one size too small, but that I will shrink into by this summer. I got them on sale, so no money was wasted on them. I ordered these things ten days ago and they sure took their merry time getting here and although H&M is inexpensive to shop with on line, it makes me wonder if I’ll do it very often. The advantage is, that you can trace your package on line and see exactly were it is, so yesterday I knew I was getting it that day.

Yesterday afternoon at four o’clock, Jesker urgently let me know that he wanted something, so then I had to guess what it was. After a couple of guesses with no response I asked him, “Do you have to piddle?” He became very excited and started barking and running around in circles, so that meant “Yes.” Eduard took him out, thinking he very urgently had to go, but when they came back, he said that Jesker had only very nonchalantly peed on some trees and bushes here and there. So, apparently he just felt like going out for a bit and there was no urgent business. Well, that is okay too, he can have his bit of fresh air and we don’t have a yard to send him into. The dog just wants to go out and play sometimes and we can’t ignore his wish. He’s a smart dog to let us know what he wants. To him having a piddle means going for a walk, so it is all the same to him.

I forget to take my Oxazepam during the day when I start to feel stressed. I am allowed to take it three times a day, but then I don’t think about it. Yesterday I very consciously stopped and took one when I started to feel stressed, because I saw the postal truck drive by our house without stopping. I was livid and ready to call the highest boss of the Dutch postal offices. Then I slowed down and took an Oxazepam and some time later the package was delivered. I think all this stress has to do with control and not having any. I always feel that I have to have control over everything that happens around me, over the people and the events, and when I think I don’t, I become very stressed. Out of proportion to what is really happening.

I think that by being in control, I can prevent some catastrophe from happening and I think that I qualify lots of things as catastrophes, that other people would qualify as mere annoyances. Having been raised in a neurotic household, it is no wonder that I do, because lots of things were considered catastrophic when I was little. I was a very stressed out child. I think stress is my middle name. There you thought I didn’t have one. I do after all.

Being aware of it is half the battle. Now when I feel irritation, I think, “Stress!” and I look right away where it is coming from. I can usually find the cause quite easily and the thing to do then is to take an Oxazepam and to analyze my feelings. They all are usually control issues.

Self analysis is a great thing and can spare you a lot of bother. I think it is invented for people like me who are smart enough to know better, but who keep falling into the same trap. Who repeatedly need to learn their lesson over and over again until it sticks and becomes second nature to them. I think I can be quite neurotic, I am almost like a character out of a Woody Allen movie. I need to be in analysis always. I can’t make a move without somehow having it being picked apart and looked at, until I have learned my lesson from it and have moved on to the next set of problems. Maybe I am exaggerating a little bit, but I am making a point here.

Well, I’ll think I’ll go and read some other blogs now. There is always something there to surprise me. Some words of joy and humor and some artwork of note.

I really like the chance to be so introspective in the early morning. I hope I don’t bore you with it too much. It is better than a session on the Freudian sofa. Ciao…

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So, I actually managed to sleep for quite a long spell. I stayed awake all day yesterday until 5:30 pm, which is no small feat as I had been up since midnight. Finally, I started to cave in and went to bed after taking all of my medicines and was out cold after a very short time. I slept until 2 am this morning, which I think is not half bad.

Now all I have to do is stay awake longer tonight and sleep longer the next morning and maybe slowly I will get back to a more normal schedule. Still I had my eight hours of sleep and that’s not half bad, I just didn’t have them at the right time yet.

I did this sleeping with the aid of an oxazepam along with my sleeping pills, which I am sure my psychiatrist will not be happy about, but which I am going to do until I get back to a more normal schedule.

I weighed myself this morning and I was 87 kilos, which is okay. I have bought bread rolls which are only half the size of regular bread rolls and make for a good little sandwich with thin sliced chicken fillet on it. I also bought them the same size in raisin buns and they make for a good little treat. They are just big enough for me to eat so it doesn’t bother my gastric band.

I am eating those and nonfat yogurt and Cup a Soups. Occasionally, I will eat some of Eduard’s dinner, but more often than not, I end up above the toilet when I do, so I guess I shouldn’t bother and do that anymore. My eyes are bigger than my stomach and I eat too fast.

Yesterday I had Eduard cut of a big branch of the now bare Golden Rain. I put it in the vase where I also had the branches with the little lights on them and then went to the store and bought some Christmas decorations and decorated all the branches to give the living room a festive look after all. It turned out rather well. I have beads and balls and a single gauzy butterfly sitting at the top and some red rocking horses as well for a touch of color.

I had given away my Christmas decorations to my sister some years ago, thinking I was never going to decorate a tree again, because I found myself to be always depressed at Christmas time, but this year is different and I may start up a whole new tradition of decorating bare, lighted up branches.

The cats have been curious, but so far they have left the beads and balls untouched, so I hope they keep ignoring them. They could reach them via one of their scratching poles, but none of them has tried it yet. I have visions of the whole thing toppling over, but so far, so good. There isn’t another place I can put it and maybe they instinctively know how much these decorated branches mean to me. That’s what I’ll assume then.

I think I have been rating myself with sixes for something like nine days now and let me tell you something, it is very boring. I am turning into such a dull person. The living room is all done and I don’t have anything exciting to do right now and I think I am just such a dull person for Eduard to come home to, although maybe he likes that, I don’t know. It is possible that he got a bit worn out when I was scoring eights and nines. To him it may seem like peace and quiet, but to me it just seems like a dull roar with nothing happening. Did I wish for this? Well, occasionally maybe, but not non stop like this.

I would like a bit of my hypo mania back, just enough to make my life a bit more exciting than it is now. I do have a good time when I am home by myself in the mornings, but when Eduard comes home in the afternoons, I secretly want something to happen and when it doesn’t, I am disappointed. We both sit there like two old fogies and do absolutely nothing and it is so boring! Of course, when Eduard asks me what I want to do instead, I can’t come up with anything sensible at all, but I am sure that I could if I were hypo manic.

Of course, I am forgetting what our last couple of weeks have been like, so full of activity and I counted that we have made at least eleven changes to the living room. Actually, the stress of it was getting to me in the end and I was getting grumpy because of it, but still…I do want something to happen.

I got an email from my daughter saying that, because of the bad weather in the States, their flight has been delayed until Wednesday, so they will not get here until Friday evening or Saturday morning. They are flying through Toronto, that’s why. This will be good news to my sister, who is swamped with work and other activities right now and she was hoping that they wouldn’t show up too soon. I don’t mind too much, I know she is coming and a few more days will not make a difference. I mind it for her, because it means that she will have less time to spend here.

I definitely need a pair of slippers. I am sitting here with my socks on getting cold feet anyway. Maybe Santa can bring me some, so if Santa reads this weblog…please? I am size 41!

Yesterday was such a darn cold day. The wind was blowing too, making it extra cold. It was not a day to be out for your pleasure and the dog and I didn’t go for a long walk. We just took mini walks. As soon as he had done his business, we headed home again.

I went grocery shopping in the morning and wore a triple layer of clothes under my coat and my scarf and gloves. I need bigger bags on my bike, because I am limited in how much I can buy in one trip by the size of them. I can’t ride my bike holding a bag in my hand, because I can’t steer with one hand. I tried that and I am an accident waiting to happen. The heavier the bag, the worse it gets. I have bike intimidation. I get intimidated by my bike and my ability to do things with it if I also have to do other things. It’s from living in the States for many years and doing groceries by car and losing my bicycle handiness abilities. You see mothers with one child on the back and one child in a seat on the front and two bags of shopping on the handlebars, I could never do that. We would all die in a terrible accident.

Well, anyway, that’s all I’ve got for now. The other blogs are calling me. The lure of all the other words and the art work.

Have yourself a great day, don’t fall off your bike, ciao…

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