Posts Tagged ‘depressions’

4:00 PM. On the day after the day you say you feel depressed, you will feel better. That’s some sort of a rule that has been confirmed by my SPN this morning. It is the very act of owning up to the mood and allowing yourself to have it and not fight it anymore, that makes you feel better and more able to bear it.

As a result, I have had a very decent day, that I can’t complain about at all, and that I can even look back upon with a certain amount of satisfaction. After I saw my SPN, I went to have cappuccinos with Eduard at his work and from there I went to M&S Fashion, where I bought Capri pants and two tank tops and a necklace. This was after I found a cute little lavender colored dress in my closet this morning that I don’t remember buying, after I also found two other little dresses there last week that I also don’t remember buying.

The theory is that I buy these when I am in a dysphoric mood and very high strung and I don’t consciously store this information in my memory, so it is all a surprise later on. My closet is not very big and the clothes are packed in, so every once in a while I have a good look around and make these discoveries. Now I wonder what else is in there that I don’t know about and I am a little bit afraid to look. I can tell by the labels where it has been bought, but I have no memory of doing so. I wish I would also buy shoes and jewelry this way, because I really need them as well.

So, anyway, I bought a nice pair of Capri pants and I am wearing those now and they are very comfortable. I had forgotten that I have two other pairs, but luckily, these are beige and the others are white and black. The tank tops are green and black. The necklace is adorable and it is a rule that, when I buy several kinds of clothes, I also buy a necklace. I love and adore necklaces. I share this with my younger sister who always wears one too. I feel naked if I don’t wear a necklace and will turn around and go home and put one on if I am going somewhere. Contrary to that, I have been wearing tiny titanium earrings and not those big jangly ones that make my ears irritated and infected, although I like wearing them too. Maybe I will wear those again the next time I get hypo manic, but you can’t plan those things. It has to happen naturally.

My SPN said that I gave the appearance of being very together and very calm and relaxed and, funnily enough, I was. That’s exactly how I was feeling this morning. I felt like a cool, calm, collected adult. That doesn’t happen very often, that I just very calmly sit and give off those vibes. At least not in the office of my SPN. Really, it is the perfect place not to be cool, calm and collected. You’re supposed to show your real feelings there, after all. It felt like a great serenity had settled on me and a lot of clarity also. I think it is a result of yesterday’s confession to myself, that I allowed myself to be in a certain mood and didn’t make a big deal out of it. Hopefully it is a sign of maturity, but it can just be a sign of a certain mood.

I took a nap on the sofa when I came home from downtown and then took another nap in bed after Eduard got home. It was lovely. I am sleeping a lot now and I like it very much. It is all healing sleep, but I don’t want to sleep too much during the day, because it will subtract from any sleep I get at night, but I do very spontaneously fall asleep.

The image above is made from a collage made by John Mora tittled “back.soon.” Here is the original:

Yes, you’ve guessed it, I like John’s art very much and he allows me to use it as a basis for my contraptions. I see that right now I keep repeating one shape, so I must break free of that and get into something else. That happens.

I am listening to Dire Straights right now, which is a bit more cheerful than Leonard Cohen, whom I guess I just don’t get, but I’ve got an Amy Winehouse CD lying ready to be played here. It’s from the library and I had to put a reservation on it. I have to upload it to my Real Player. I haven’t read the news about Amy, but I guess it isn’t good. Something about drugs and beating people up. Poor thing. I suppose fame will do that to you. I suppose my moods would take a run with me if I suddenly were to become famous. I would need a full time therapist.

Speaking of therapists, my SPN is going to be talking to the Personality Disorder Team on my behalf and I will hopefully get a psychiatrist and a therapist appointed to me. The psychiatrist will be there for the medical part and the medication and the therapist for the, well, the therapy. I am a bit nervous about leaving my SPN behind me, because she is very good, but I do think I need the specialized help, because I am so fragile and I just can’t afford many more big slides downward. I can’t afford the drama and the tragedy and the tears and the pain and the sadness.

Well, enough said about that, let’s not waste words on that now. Let’s think of something completely different. Like how to end this epistle. It’s all good and well to sit here and type as if there is no tomorrow, but there is and I need to keep some words in storage for that day too.

I hope you all had a really great day and that all the best of your wishes came true. Listen to me! As if I am your fairy godmother.

Have a good evening, I am going to save Amy now, upload her I mean. Ciao…


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3:30 PM. Today I had to admit to myself a truth that I had not wanted to admit to, namely that if it looks like a duck and it acts like a duck, it must be a duck. So, if it looks like a depression and it acts like a depression, it must be a depression and the minute I admitted that to myself, I knew I was right and I could stop pretending it was anything else.

Since then I have contemplated the whole thing and realized that this has been going on for about a week, or it has been on its way that long. The first signs of it showed up a week ago and I pretended not to notice and called them something else, which is fine except that at one point you have to face up to reality.

Now I can admit that I don’t feel that great and that everything feels like it requires an awful lot of effort, too much effort as a matter of fact and far more energy than I can garner. As a matter of fact, I just took a nap on the sofa and when I woke up, I felt a feeling of terrible dread at the thought of the things I had to do and knew I could not complete. Along with that came a slight feeling of disgust with myself at being that disabled. Well, cal it a major feeling of disgust and a feeling of doom. Those feelings of doom I was not having yesterday, or was pretending I wasn’t having.

I am an old hand at depression, so I am not that concerned. I’ll get through this one just fine and it is a mild depression so far, it isn’t a huge one. I don’t need to lie down in bed with it and suffer. I’ll make an adjustment to one of my medications and that is about all I can do there. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my SPN and we’ll discuss this further, but I don’t need to say much about it, because I get to do that all here. 🙂 You may be an unwilling audience, but then I suggest you stop reading, because I can’t promise you that I won’t bore you with this subject any more.

In the meantime, I am listening to Leonard Cohen, because he is one of Eduard’s favorite artists. Talk about being depressed! I find the man so sad and downhearted and I am just referring to his texts, of course. I don’t know how he is in real life and if he is still singing such sad songs nowadays. This is all his earlier work that we are listening to. I am always surprised at the choice of Eduard’s music, because it very often seems so downcast and he likes all the music from the late sixties and the romantic classics, which are not known for their cheerfulness.

Jeez, don’t listen to Leonard Cohen when you are depressed, it will plunge you in a hole. Ignore his texts. He is a Jewish boy singing about Jesus and nuns in a mournful way. Do not listen to the words!

6:00 PM. I fell asleep on the sofa again listening to Leonard’s mournful voice after I discussed Eduard’s choice of music with him. That didn’t make me much wiser, except to say that Eduard listens for nostalgic reasons. I can’t identify with that at all, because I don’t have nostalgia for times past, I am usually glad they are over and when I think back on times past, it is usually with some amount of discomfort. I am not big on nostalgia. I can listen to some music that is about 17 years old, because I associate it with my freedom and emancipation, but that is about it. Even with this music I have mixed feelings, such as, a lot of things shouldn’t have happened, but they did, regardless of my intentions.

When you finally, but still quite suddenly, leave a very long unhappy marriage, you have very mixed feelings about that. At least, I did. I felt as if I had escaped my inevitable fate, but I also felt like a traitor who had committed a betrayal. I left one kind of very heavy unhappiness behind me, but I carried another with me after that. Still, I did not go back. It would have been impossible. It would have been like asking a prisoner to go back to jail voluntarily. My ex-husband was my downfall and if I had gone back, I would have emotionally died, as I was slowly dying already. That all sounds very dramatic, but it is the truth. It is a horrible thing to be married to the last person on earth you should be married to.

Of course, you have to remember how young i was when I got married and how little I really knew my ex-husband. I was 17 and I had known him for 6 months and for three of those we were separated. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? I was taking a huge risk, but I didn’t realize it at the time. It is a shame that nobody around me warned me of the dangers and the pitfalls. I would maybe have gotten out when the writing appeared on the wall and not have been embarrassed and not have worried about saving face. Alas, that is all talking after the facts and it can’t be undone.

I am, however, left with a past that I am very sensitive about and that I have a hard time looking back upon, as I look back and see a lot of sadness and pain. I don’t look back nostalgically. Therefor, I feel robbed of a whole part of my life that I have to deny ever happened and don’t like to talk about, don’t even like to remember, can’t reminisce about with other people.

I had my older sister on the phone this morning and she remembered a vacation she spent with me back then and I hardly recalled what she was talking about, except that I got a great big feeling of discomfort and sadness and could only tell her that I did not like to look back on that time. For her it had been a great vacation, for me it had been something else altogether. Great discomfort and embarrassment and sadness.

You see how I put so much value into the marriage I am in now. It is very important to me that it is a success and not one that I’ll have to look back on with the same amount of discomfort and sadness. Not that I think it would be the case, but I would hate to lose it. It would horrify me.


I’ve just been busy artistically for about an hour and I feel so perked up now. That really did me a lot of good. It got a bunch of cobwebs out of my head. What do you call a bunch of cobwebs? A bevy of them? Or a swarm of them? No, I don’t think so. Either way, it worked. So, sitting behind the computer can be good for you.

I just got called by what I think was a colleague of Eduard trying to pull one over on me. She asked me how old I was and I said I was 83. Then she asked me if any of my family members were looking for work and I said that all my 24 grandchildren were on the dole and looking for a job and then she said, “Well, obviously Ma’am, you are making fun of me and are not at all serious,” and then she hung up. So, now I don’t know who it really was. Oh, well…

10:00 PM. I just slept on the sofa some more. It is all I seem to do. Now I am waiting for Eduard to get home, because he doesn’t have to work late tonight.

I feel a huge amount of shame and embarrassment because of the things I am writing down, when, in fact, I always write like this, don’t I? Now isn’t any different than any other times, is it? I am literally breaking out in a cold sweat because of it, but I am not backing down. I am letting it stand and damn the embarrassment and shame. Those feelings all come with feeling depressed, I am sure. It makes you feel so inadequate and small.

Oh, by the way. The image above is made from a digital collage by John Mora named “run.way.” Here it is:

John does wonderful work and if you’re not familiar with him, you should really visit his blog where he has several sites to look at his artwork. John is the master artist in digital work.

Oh lord, I am yawning something awful. I think I had better just go to bed and wait for Eduard there. I will not add to this in the morning. It has gotten long enough as it is. I will do something else if I happen to wake up early during the night.

Have yourself a good rest of the Tuesday or a good start of the Wednesday. Watch out for that first step, it’s what trips you up.


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Nest of Comfort.

Someone has come along and pulled the plug on my reservoir of happiness and now I sit here with a bit of doom and gloom, feeling sad and very tired, hardly able to finish reading all the blogs and not quite knowing how to tackle the rest of the day and finding myself postponing that as long as possible. Suddenly, the details of my life, few as they are, seem overwhelming to me and the elements in it seem like unsurmountable obstacles and a jumble of knotted and confused wiring that can not be sorted.

I think about the things that I am responsible for and they are not that many, but to me they seem like so much and too many and like nothing I can handle well enough and I am overwhelmed by them and want to hide my face inside my hands.

When I came out of my depression, I felt extreme freedom and peace for four days. After that, anxiety started to sneak back in and with it some fear did and some discomfort. Now it seems to have settled back into my center again and is taking a place of prominence there and I can’t ignore it and outshout myself and pretend to be happy. I am not happy and I am not comfortable. As a matter of fact, I feel downcast and quite uncomfortable and I would rather sit on the sofa all day long in my bathrobe and not move a muscle, than do anything as exerting as walk the dog or do the laundry.

It is a thing I must own up to, as I find myself ignoring all sorts of things, like my mail and phone calls and appointments and I know I am on the wrong track when that happens. I have an appointment with my SPN tomorrow and I will go to her, even though I don’t know right now where I will find the energy to go.

So I will end this post now, as I have nothing funny or profound to say and I will not bore you with the revelation of my soul. I will add one image and that is the nest of comfort that Lisa Sarsfield gave me, because I was feeling down.

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In order to read all of my blogs, I spent several hours during the night reading them from the bottom of the list up to the top. I stopped at one point and went back to bed and then got up several hours later and picked up where I left off. I didn’t leave comments everywhere. Sometimes I thought, “Oh, bugger,” and just moved on. It was because my medicated and depressed mind just didn’t have anything appropriate to say. I think some posts require a thoughtful response and when I can’t give that, I don’t respond at all and skip the party as if I wasn’t there. God only knows what kind of nonsense I left behind me everywhere else.

As you can tell, I am not feeling kindly towards myself today. I am trying to get over it and have made several attempts to get up out of bed cheerfully, but it has all been for naught. I feel grouchy and disagreeable and would like to pick a fight with just about anyone about any subject, but I know that this is very unreasonable and I must tame this wild desire. I have taken an extra dose of Oxazepam to knock the worst tendencies out of me and I am drinking only decaf so as not to add any agitating substances to my already agitated mind.

This is called dysphoric depression and I don’t like it as I feel very unsettled and irritated and I don’t know what to do with my feelings. I have enough sense to realize that what I feel is not reasonable and that I can’t just walk around giving air to them and let fly whatever I want. I must contain myself. I don’t need to cut anyone down with deadly sarcasm and hurtful ironies.

I think the best thing to do is to tranquilize myself as much as possible and to stick to my bed and to stay out of harm’s way. That way I run the least amount of risk of being provoked into an argumentative state of mind, with all the complexities that come with it, such as hurt feelings and damaged relationships.

I feel a great deal of anxiety and that big brown bear is sitting on my chest again, making it hard to breathe. I try to ignore him and type as if he is not there and organize my thoughts around him and my anger. Who needs such perilous elements in her life? When I go to bed, I feel a lot safer and and when I pull the duvet up to my chin, it is almost as if I can ban all of these elements from my life.

I must go now and take this negative attitude to a positive place. I am fortunate that I can discuss this with Eduard, even when I am angry and I am sounding unreasonable, all the while telling him I am not angry at him. I feel like swearing a lot.

P.S. After asking him very kindly, Dumdad off The Other Side of Paris has been so kind to award me with the “Salutes You Award.” This is one I am not allowed to pass on to others and I must say that I feel very fortunate in getting it and it certainly adds a positive edge to my day. I am proudly displaying it for all to see in my sidebar and will celebrate it with an extra special cup of foamy Senseo coffee.

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Picasso Images number 3.

I have not yet made it down my long list of blogs that I read and Eduard says that maybe I read too many and that I should cut down the list, but I wouldn’t know which blogs to cut and I think I will leave it the way it is and just not worry too much about getting around to reading all of them all the time.

I knew there was such a thing called dysphoric mania, but I just found out that there is also a thing called dysphoric depression and I have a feeling that I am suffering from it to some degree. I am very moody and easily irritated and it is best if I keep myself to myself and not interact with anybody else too much right now. The best place for me to be is in the bedroom with a book and to not interfere with Eduard and the running of the household and other things. I am just a grumpy old woman with a mean streak.

Taking tranquilizers and staying in a quiet place is the best solution to this whole mess right now, anyway. Sleep is a blessed thing, I can’t get enough of it and when I don’t sleep, I read. I get up every once in a while to test the waters, but go back to bed when I find things to become too overwhelming, although I do like to watch the news and wish for there to be news programs on nonstop 24 hours a day, but that does not mean that I am going to watch that horrible CNN News.

A lot of people know now that I am suffering from a depression and all show concern and their attitudes toward it have been positive. Nobody has reacted with ignorance or unkindness. Eduard has been able to discuss it with his colleagues and management quite openly and all have been willing to give him a lot of leeway in his schedule. The world is becoming quite educated when it comes to mental illness.

This is just a short post to give a sign of life and to let you know how things stand. I think today I will not try anything complicated. Yesterday I managed to do the dishes and fold the laundry and I was having heart palpitations and cold sweat while I was doing it. It was as difficult as climbing a mountain.

Now I am going back to bed to finish reading that Swedish thriller and to discuss dysphoric depression with Eduard and how we will best deal with that. We are a team, after all.


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I have just woken up for the third time this past night and morning. At each instance I read some blogs and was planning on writing a post, but nothing came of it, as I had to shut the computer down prematurely and take a pill and go back to bed. I am feeling very tentative now, but we’ll see what happens. I have a large mug of coffee and my cigarettes and good intentions.

Things go best during the night, when I can read a lot of blogs and give comments, I am good for two hours then at least. Maybe I should not read blogs then, but write a post first, but I always think that I am so short of material to write about and I need to get in the proper mood to write and reading other people’s blogs helps me do that.

On the suggestion of my SPN, Eduard has made a large sign for me and that says, “Take Your Pill And Go To Sleep!” It’s coated in plastic and lies on the corner of the coffee table by the place on the sofa where I most often sit. It is there for when I hit rock bottom and become so forlorn and hopeless that I can’t think straight anymore and am irrational with fear. So far, it works.

It is hard to get through the list of blogs, because there are so many of them and I do want to leave comments wherever I go. Sometimes that is easy and sometimes that is difficult, depending on the subject of the post. Maybe I am trying too hard and take everything too seriously.

There is a Swedish author of police thrillers I am reading by the name of Henning Mankell. He is very well known in Europe and translated into different languages and I am finding him very enjoyable to read. I fall asleep with him constantly and that is not because of his writing, but because of the pill I have taken. I am spending a lot of time in bed reading his books, of which my sister has many. It is a great way to escape from your own miseries and his writing style really captures your attention.

I have vowed to do the dishes today, so I must see that through. It seems like an unsurmountable task right now, but I know that I will feel better when I have done it. I must try and achieve at least one thing a day, because yesterday I achieved nothing and it was a very bad day. It is a battle inside of me of wanting to escape from it and having to face up to it and feeling an irrational fear because of it.

Right, while my little bit of courage is still here, I will stop writing now and go and do those dishes and hopefully feel very good afterwards for having done them. It will be a big victory, however small it is on the scale of things. Maybe it will help me postpone taking that extra pill for a while.


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Monet Images number 1.

It is still very early in the morning and I have been up for hours, but it doesn’t matter, because right now my schedule can be however it wants to be and I take advantage of the hours that I feel reasonably well. I know that in a short time, I will take all my medicines and go back to bed and sleep some more and that I will do this before things become uncomfortable.

I take a lot of comfort in the fact that I can nourish my soul to some point with activities like reading and blogging. It isn’t always possible, but when I feel well enough, I take advantage of it and do it to my heart’s delight. Within my depression, I also have mood swings, so sometimes, for an hour or so, I feel slightly better and I can do things that are pleasant. The mood swings go up and down, so sometimes they are quite bad, but I have found a solution for them also.

Since talking to my SPN, I feel less guilty about being sick and I am not blaming myself for being so. Even with everything I know about manic depression, I still have a tendency to blame myself for my situation and to feel guilty about my inability to cope. That is the worst thing you can do, of course, and it isn’t very helpful at all.

Now I see it as a bout of illness that I have to nurse myself through to the best of my ability. There is no need to kick myself when I am already down. So, I do the things I need to do and give myself permission to do them without feeling that I have to apologize for it. That takes some of the weight off my shoulders.

Depression is an illness that hijacks your own mind. It fills it with negative and scary thoughts and manipulates it into dark corners where there is only fear and worry. It steals your joy and whispers harmful thoughts into your head. You have to stand your ground and not be intimidated and remember what it is and that nothing of what it pretends to be is true.

Having written all of that, I need to stop now and pamper myself with some pills and some food and go back to bed with a good thriller and to sleep some more. Sometimes things become a little intense and then it is better to take a time out.

Have a good day all of you. Ciao…

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