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Posts Tagged ‘dreams’

I think it is a minor miracle that I sleep the sleep of the innocents and don’t have nightmares about an avalanche of bills coming out of the mailbox when I open it and then realize the awful shortage of money I have and the inability to pay them and the way I rob Peter to pay Paul. Instead, I very rarely remember my dreams and when I do, they are fairly benign and nothing really awful happens in them, except that an old ex pops into them every once in a while, but they are easily dealt with and cause no grief.

The shortage of money is a thing I am trying to stay optimistic about and I keep telling myself that it is a temporary situation that I am juggling with now and that I won’t be having this worry forever. So, I try to let it slide like water of a duck’s back, but I do allow myself 20 minutes a day of giving it some serious thought. Thank goodness for very good anti-anxiety pills. I would be a blathering idiot in the corner of the living room refusing to come out of hiding otherwise. They’d have to lock me up in the anti-anxiety ward.

This morning I went to the bank very early, actually the minute they opened up and before they would all be busy helping hundreds of other customers, and closed one obsolete bank account that was only costing me money. Then I called the tax office and asked them about my rent and health care subsidies and they said I should be getting those just before the 24th of August, including those for July, if all goes well. It takes the tax people 8 weeks to process a request. Bah humbug.

The housing corporation, which had promised me that they would not take my rent until the 27th of August, has taken my rent out of my account on the 4th, leaving me short 97 Euros. Luckily, my Visa card had just arrived in the mail and I ordered them to put a supply of money in my bank account, which I will pay back when I get my next welfare check. Juggling, people, I am juggling. At least the rent is paid now, although it was not supposed to be.

How to live on the edge and not get too scared by it.

Luckily, I have my trusty Uberhund who needs my love and attention and his regular walks and his dishes of rice cooked in bouillon, because he had the runs something awful, but it is now all cleared up and we are back to normal again. Tonight, he is having his regular kibbles, much to his chagrin, because he really likes rice cooked in bouillon. I think I will make that as a treat for him on the weekends, even when he is not having the runs, because he loves it so and is aware of me fixing it for him and waits for it very impatiently. The cats think they like it too and hover nearby, but they actually don’t.

I am the listening post for my sister who is going through her divorce, but it is taking a lot of time and her husband still has not moved out, causing her a lot of stress, because his new house is not furnished yet and has no curtains. All is on order, but will take several weeks to get done. I will advice her tonight that he should move out anyway and go someplace else in the meantime. My sister is practically emotionally worn down.

My older sister and I speak on the phone several times a week and try to come up with solutions, but do feel a certain amount of frustration, as it is hard to interfere in someone else’s marriage. You see how mistakes are being made all over the place and how things could be done differently, but what can you do? Gentle hints and suggestions are it. They have a rebellious teenage daughter on their hands as well.

Let me tell you, I was so blessed with my kids. They were good kids. I was very lucky in that department.

Yesterday the Exfactor came over with a bag of brownies that they sell at the film house, but these were just a little dry and they were getting rid of them. Well, they didn’t taste dry to me at all and I thoroughly enjoyed eating them. I told you I’m a chocolate junkie. It is my downfall and I ate them unashamedly right in front of the Uberhund , because dogs can’t have chocolate. It is wonderful to be sinful in the food department once in a while and my stomach was very happy.

We had some very hot days and yesterday it was almost too hot to walk the Uberhund, but today at noon, there was a thunder storm and everything cooled off a bit. There is supposed to be more coming. I don’t mind the rain and the dark clouds, even though it does get gloomy in the apartment, but there is also a sort of coziness with the lights on. Not too many though, because it is my intention to get money back from the energy company at the end of the year, even though the rates did go up. I’m such a cheapskate!

Well, I suppose I will go and see what’s on the TV now. I think I missed the news, but I am sure there is some other mind numbing program that can soothe my brain into dull happiness.

Have a good one!

Ciao…

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In my dreams.

I grieve in my dreams. I wake up and I know that I’ve spent the night dreaming about the situation I am in, but that I have been crying about it and that in my dreams everything is quite sad and traumatic and not at all the way it is during the day when things are so positive and upbeat. I wake up and try to remember if something bad has happened the night before I went to sleep, but then I realize that nothing has, that it is only in my sleep that the trauma has occurred and that in fact everything in real life is okay. I think this is a very clever way for my mind to deal with the break up of my marriage, allowing me the opportunity to grieve while I sleep and letting me be positive and hopeful while I am awake, because there is not one doubt in my mind that I am doing the right thing. In fact, each day I am more convinced that I am.

You should hear Eduard and me discuss our divorce. We sound so mature and practical and so full of common sense. We can talk about any aspect of it without getting the least bit upset and we always figure out a way between the two of us to resolve some issue. I think it is because we are genuinely nice people, who don’t bear any grudges and who both have the same goal in mind and that is a peaceful divorce.

I think that when we get to the divorce mediator, we will have things settled very quickly. There are some formalities that she needs to help us with, but the main division of goods has been done by us. She needs to help us with out finances and how to divide that honestly and file for our divorce in court. It can be done in no time at all.

Eduard is going to look into renting a place in Belgium just over the border where there are no waiting lists for housing. Lots of people live just across the border and the commute is very easy and can be done by bike. It would mean that he can move out a lot sooner than having to wait for a place here, while still be on the waiting lists here. I think he is looking forward to moving out and having his own space and his own life, just the same as me.

Yesterday Eduard organized all of our paperwork having to do with just about everything, so that I will always be able to find anything at all. I still need to organize my own personal papers in a folder, but I will have that done in a jiffy. We didn’t have a very good filing system before and it was slightly unorganized.

I have been finding a lot of joy in taking Jesker for his walks. I take him four times a day now, taking him at 10 PM also when it is still light outside. We have a nice round that we make and that we can expand if I think his legs can handle it. Sometimes he is a little shaky and then we keep it short. It is a very relaxing form of exercise and allows me to have a good look around at all the gardens and the people we meet along the way. Pretty soon there will not be an Eduard here to take him for his night time walk, so I figure I may as well get used to doing it now.

You wouldn’t believe how green and bountiful everything is and in how such short amount of time the dark bare earth has been covered by a carpet of a multitude of flowering plants. Abondanza! It’s pretty incredible and never ceases to amaze me. The hedges especially always surprise me and it is good to see so many of them are still planted and that there are areas where wild flowers are allowed to teem. Very beautiful! You really need to be out walking a dog to see and appreciate all of this.

I am being distracted by the music I am listening to, I feel myself get caught up in the words and then I stop typing. Sometimes it’s a song that I haven’t heard yet, because I’ve got the MP3 player set on random play and there is a lot of music that I’ve just downloaded. It’s nice to be distracted by music, to have a soundtrack to live your life by. I really, really need an iPod Classic. I think it has 80 GB’s of space and the possibilities would be endless.

Well, that’s it for me for now. I’ve got to go and look up some more music in the library catalog. I must fill one more 1GB MP3 player.

Have a terrific Monday everyone, slay many old ladies and save many dragons and eat the peas that the princesses lay on.

Ciao…

Here is a quote I borrowed from The Artful Eye. I thought it was highly appropriate.

“Remember that the best relationship is the one where your love for each other is greater than your need for
each other”

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I don’t know why I am calling this post that, except for the reasons that it looks good and it sounds as if I will very consciously live through the day properly. I will do it thoroughly, no messing about.

Well, here I am full of wit and I haven’t even finished my first mug of coffee yet. That must be because I have had 6 hours of sleep. Yes, you’ve heard that right, 6 whole hours. That’s 2 more than I usually get all at once. What a difference that makes. I feel like Rip van Winkle and as if I have had a sleep marathon. Boy, it certainly is easy to please me.

Yesterday morning, I went back to bed after I walked the Jesker and saw Eduard off to work and slept another 3 hours and when I woke up, the world seemed like an easier place to deal with. Sleeping well is the best revenge. You build up a reserve of energy and are able to deal with the problems that come with being a human being more easily. Suddenly you have strength and resilience and your spirit soars just a bit higher than it did before.

Spirits need to soar high. They need to soar above the common ground that is shared by the ordinary man and become lighter than that which is shared by ordinary people and in becoming weightless, be able to carry a bigger load. I imagine my spirit lifting me of the ground until my toes barely reach it, and then stop touching it all together, and then seeing it take flight slowly and easily carrying me off into another dimension where the weight of my problems lessens the higher I soar.

There is an exertion of the mind to soar this high. It is called willpower and it comes from inside your whole body. You pull the strength of it out of all of your limbs and out of your torso into your head, and it gathers there into a ball of energy to help you fuel your spirit into flight.

Fanciful thinking? It helps to picture it so. It maybe is a childlike way to help me imagine something that is considered magical thinking by some. The notion to take off and fly is not new to man, but to do it yourself, without any outside aids, is impossible, unless you imagine it to be your spirit that soars and the very identity of you that goes with it. See, there goes Nora, she has taken flight!

It must be that what the ecclesiastical pray for when they communicate with their God, to be lifted up emotionally and physically from the common plain onto a higher level of consciousness and existence.

Anyway, how did I get started on this subject? Oh yes, getting enough sleep. So, I also nap during the day. Whenever I lie down somewhere, I fall asleep and nothing wakes me up for about an hour or so and when I wake up, I feel the tug of the dreams I had behind me. For awhile I am in that half awake state and everything seems equally real to me. My dreams and my reality, because who’s to tell the difference? Who says that my reality can’t be dreamlike and that my dreams can’t have a reality based existence and be equally true.?

Possibly, I wish to exist in that half awake state all the time and not be based in the harsh light of my interpretation of my reality, but be submerged in the dappled light of the surreality of my dreams. My symbolic dreaming is ever so much kinder an interpretation of life than my black and white interpretation of life while I am awake.

Therefor people do drugs. I don’t wish to do drugs, because chances are that my interpretations would become psychotic aberrations that have nothing to do with my own symbolism, but reach back to some collective subconscious that will scare the living daylights out of me and that I am not capable of handling.

I wish to have the symbolism and the interpretations of my dreams applied to my waking life and added to that the slight subconsciousness, so that each thing does not glare and stab me in the eyes with its harshness, but becomes clear to me through its opaqueness.

Well, that’s a tall order, isn’t it. It means I should do more daydreaming, possibly, the thing I was always warned against by concerned adults around me. What does daydreaming become when you are an adult? Worrying? Fretting? Stressing?

Jesker is up and has come to me for his medicines wrapped in sliced meat. It’s his morning ritual and his treat to start the day with. He knows when it is about 6 o’clock that he needs to come and get that. Now he is impatiently waiting to be walked, he thinks it is time, but I am not quite ready yet. I have to finish my third mug of coffee and my cigarette…

…okay, Jesker and I have been for our walk and very pleasant it was. It is still cool outside, so you can wear your denim jacket and a light sweater and be comfortable and cozy, although the sweater is probably unnecessary. I like to be overdressed and feel warm. It seems such a short time ago that I was always cold when I went outside, no matter how many layers of clothes I was wearing. Some part of me was always catching the cold wind, either my legs or my neck or my head or my wrists. Now I am just nice and warm all over when I go out.

Toady is physiotherapist day, but I must say that my back is a lot better and that I have a much easier time with it bending over and generally using it. I would call the therapy a success. Of course, it is always going to be a problem area, it is my weakest link, as it is for many people. We weren’t meant to be walking upright, after all. Things do get crushed.

I still have that pain in my side from the armrest, although I don’t lean on it too much anymore. The slumping days are just about over.

Well, that about does it for me for today. No complaining today. Today it is a complaint free zone here. That’s like a no parking zone, Today I can’t park any complaints here. You can’t anyway when you want your spirit to soar in your dream induced mind.

Have a wonderful Thursday. It really isn’t such a bad day and it does come before Friday, which is always a good day. I would like to slay my dragon on Saturday, but I don’t know if I can get a permit.

Ciao…

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In the Netherlands, religious holidays are always celebrated on Sunday and Monday, so today is also an official holiday and Eduard has the day off and all the stores and everything are closed. I should say that a religious holiday is celebrated for two days, so we have first and second Easter Day and first and second Christmas Day etc.

It is appreciated very much by the general population, of course, except that you always have to remember to do extra shopping, allowing for that extra day when all the shops are closed, besides them being closed on Sundays. I think in the States what we have now is called Pentecost, but I am not absolutely sure. It is Whitsun in England.

When I write England, I really mean Great Britain, Just like people say Holland when they really mean The Netherlands. Holland refers to just the two western provinces of South and North Holland. I guess it is the same as saying America when people really mean The United States of. Canada and Mexico are in North America too.

I guess it would be better if we were all more accurate, but people in the Netherlands really refer to their country as that, except for the Limburgers who mean everybody who does not come from Limburg when they say Hollanders. Then try to explain to them that you are not a Hollander when you come from some other region in the Netherlands. Somebody from the Northeast does not want to be referred to as a Hollander.

It is actually almost 5 AM and I slept from 9 PM last night. The only reason that I am up now is because I had to go to the toilet. That always wakes me up sufficiently to make me want to stay up and have my first mug of coffee and my first cigarette. It is one of the highlights of my day. I walk into the living room, turn on the lights, turn on the computer and walk into the kitchen to make my first mug of Senseo. When I am done doing that, the computer is ready and I am ready to blog.

Physically, I have all the symptoms of a depression. I am slow as a sloth and unmotivated and absentminded and uninterested in many things. My main occupations are sleeping, daydreaming and blogging, but I am not unhappy. I am just enormously slow and preoccupied with very unimportant things. Nothing really gets accomplished and I really don’t care. I am perfectly contend to just waste the whole day not accomplishing anything at all.

I would only start to worry if I got visions of doom to go with this, but I don’t have those. In my own way, I am perfectly happy, as long as no one expects anything out of the ordinary from me. A lot is out of the ordinary right now. It can mean many things, such as walking the dog at noontime in the hot sun and feeling that I have to drag my body through the warm day. What a bother. And doing yesterday’s dishes promptly in the morning, I’m just not up to it. The only thing I still don’t mind doing very much is the laundry. For some reason, that is still very satisfying.

Eduard has an outing planned for us today. It involves the motorcycle and riding into Belgium. The rest is a surprise. I hope it involves a lot of sitting down at café tables having cappuccinos. That’s what I would really like. I hope it doesn’t involve a lot of hiking, but knowing Eduard it is going to be strenuous, because he is in such good shape. I will wear my hiking boots, just in case and then I will tell you all about it tomorrow. With my bone weary body, which is going to get a nice massage then from the physiotherapist.

I have been sitting very crooked again and I think it is because I am not paying enough attention. I have a big pain in my right side from eternally leaning on the armrest of the office chair. I have to remember to sit on two buns and I keep forgetting. If I remember, I automatically sit straight. Once I am leaning on the armrest good, I have a heck of a time getting myself off it without it hurting. I move like an old injured woman.

Last night I dreamed that my ex, the republican, was working for Barack Obama and that he was begging him for a raise. Apparently I was still married to him, because we lived in a house of which the walls were covered in ivy, but that had no roof and we could not afford the mortgage and the Jeep Cherokee. Barack Obama’s wife drove her Jeep Cherokee in rallies and he suggested that I do the same thing and I told him that I could not afford the gas.

Then I dreamed that Jesus was supposed to be burned on the cross in a motel room and that it was all carefully planned by his disciples and him, according to some version of the Old Testament, except that something went wrong in the planning and that a careless chambermaid ignited the fire too soon by creating a draft while making the beds when Jesus wasn’t on the cross yet. He tried to get on in the middle of the fire, but it was too late and he and Simon were arguing about whose responsibility it had been that there had been a snafu. It was decided that the chambermaid was in cohorts with the devil and therefor she became evil.

Then I dreamed that I lived in an institution with other people who regularly became psychotic and who had to give themselves injections when they did, but there was a major campaign to get them and their periodic craziness accepted by the public at large and to have them inject themselves while they were out performing regular jobs during which they would become psychotic. One man was a door to door insurance salesman and was proud of the fact that he would get psychotic during a visit and excuse himself and give himself an injection and be alright again 20 minutes later.

One of the exercises we did in the institution was ballroom dancing and I thought it was scary to dance with crazy people and also to go out onto the grounds and go for walks with them. I was torn between accepting that I was as crazy as them and denying it and being afraid of them.

Well, some of that is pretty clear while the rest of it is very obscure. Anyone who can figure it out is welcome to.

Eduard is still very busy sleeping. Sometimes I can here him snore a bit. That never bothers me and sometimes Jesker snores too, so they snore in unisome. Yesterday morning, I didn’t let Jesker out on time and he did a piddle on the living room floor, much to his own embarrassment. He is mortified when he does and this is only the second time that he has. I must have been so preoccupied that I didn’t pick up any urgent signals. He is such a good dog and really waits until there is no other option.

Lord, the thought of getting the show on the road is really daunting. It must be done and I am trying to figure out what is important and how quickly I need to do what and in which order. I think as long as Eduard is not up, I am not going to worry about a thing, though. That’s a good excuse, don’t you think?

I suppose that is all I’ve got to share with you for now. I’ll go and visit some other bloggers in my alter ego, or should I say my real ego, because I do insist on being Norah here. Even if it means being “Bloody Norah.” Noortje is just an endearment for Norah.

Oh, by the way, after some time, I will delete my other blog. Say in about a month. That will give everybody the opportunity to have made the move. I think that is more than ample time. Maybe I’ll do it sooner. Say, in about 2 weeks. After that I will have to find a way to gather new readers around me. It will be a whole new challenge.

Have a terrific day, don’t work too hard, because none of us here are.

Ciao…

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Graffiti number 2

Thursday, 6 PM. When I went back to bed early this morning I had a special, but disturbing dream. I dreamed that an enormous nuclear bomb came down to the earth and hit a spot in the United States right where my son was standing looking up in the sky with his mouth open in awe. The bomb fell into his opened mouth and exploded and it was the end of almost all life on earth.

I and some other people survived and we made our way to where the bomb had come down to kill my son. Someone asked me, “It must be very unpleasant for you to know how he has died,” but how did I know that? I looked around me and everywhere there were fires burning, but the most important thing to me was that my son had died in such a horrible way. Then my daughter came to me by airplane from a far away place and brought me beautiful clothes with diamond jewelry and said for me to get dressed for a special ceremony and she smiled at me and said everything was going to be okay.

That’s it, that’s the end of the dream. For those of you who don’t know, my son died 3 1/2 years ago from cancer. He was 29 years old and we knew he wasn’t going to make it, because he had a kind of cancer that nobody has survived yet. It is very possible, that in a way the world as I knew it, ended for me on the day my son died. That symbolically life ended with his death. I think he is the equivalent of an angel now. His spirit, or his energy, is alive somewhere in the universe. Maybe he is watching out for me. I always feel I have to do a better job than I am for his sake. I don’t always succeed.

There has to be some significance to the dream that is escaping me. I am looking at it right side up and upside down, but I can’t get to the center of it. When your child dies before you, it is always a tragedy, it would be for anybody, so there is nothing out of the ordinary there. I felt what any mother would have felt, with the relief that he had not died some horrible way in a horrible war far away from home. He died a kind death. He went to sleep and didn’t wake up anymore. If you can call that kind, which I do when I think of all the ways that young men can die.

There is some symbolism in the dream that I am not interpreting right. The role of my daughter is clear to me, but I don’t understand the nuclear bomb in my son’s opened mouth and the almost total annihilation of the world. It is as if his voice had to be silenced, while he was such a silent, stubborn young man with his definite opinions, living in Alaska because he wanted to be free. I was always so happy that there was no war that he was forced to be participate in, because I would have told him to immigrate to Canada. He would have made a very bad soldier, not because he would not have been loyal, but because any form of violence would have haunted him for the rest of his life, which turned out to be so short anyway.

I think it was determined by fate that my son did not have a long life. Some part of me could not see him grow old and have babies and a wife and an eight hour job and a mortgage to pay off. He was a new age child of undetermined potential. He said himself many times that he felt different from the rest of mankind, but it didn’t seem to hurt him, he had made his peace with that and he had good friends. He was a very sensitive old soul and not made to carve out a huge place for himself in this world. He liked Monty Python movies and Pink Floyd music and he smoked grass and caught salmon on the rivers and lakes of the Kenai Peninsula. He said, “When I die, just plant my body under a big old tree somewhere in the wild.”

Such a gentle soul, he was very much like me in character and that was good, but also scary, because I knew how tough life could be. I knew he wasn’t quite equipped to handle all the roughness of it. Alaska was the safest place to be.

Well, I am reminiscant, aren’t I? It is good to talk about my son like this, He was a good kid. It isn’t a bad sadness that I feel when I recall him. More like a sweet aching heart that misses him a lot, but that knows the time is over for now. We’ll meet up again later, I am sure of that.

Plant leaf number 2

Eduard has gone to work and I have not gone with him. I decided I needed to stay home tonight and not be there to hold up the bar. I don’t need to drink all those lovely cappuccinos tonight and eat all those delicious cookies with them. I am going to make myself an omelet in a while and I know how to make them real fluffy, just like Jesker and I like them.

I have added more music to Deezer. I am trying to add equal amounts of each artist, so it all evens out when it gets played back randomly and everybody gets a chance. It bothers me that it always starts with that song from Amy Winehouse, “Rehab.” I’ve heard it enough already now and I immediately skip to the next song. Eduard says that listening to music this way is expensive, because the computer uses a lot of energy, so I try to save energy in other ways, by not turning on lights. He wants to get me an MP3 player and hook it up to a speaker, which is fine with me too. Most of the music I add to the Deezer list, I have not heard yet, so it is all a big surprise to me too. You do hear very clearly why some people become stars and why others don’t. There is a subtle difference. There are less bright stars on the horizon that are just going to fade out.

I am so excited to get to know all these new performers. I love the way some of them experiment with the music and the words. I’d love to stand in front of a microphone and sing about “Shit” really hard. How wonderful to be so uninhibited. And then sing “Fuck you too.” Just great! I am not normally a user of foul language, but I can imagine how liberating it must feel to use it in public like that. What power! “Merde alors.”

I said to Eduard that I wouldn’t mind being 20 years old now, but he wasn’t too sure about it. I think once you get that awful puberty thing behind you, this could be a very exciting time to be young now in Europe. I don’t know how it would be in the States, I’ve been gone too long. The music is great and so are the clothes and you could kick some ass politically and socially. You just need to organize yourself properly and get affiliated with the right group of people and you don’t have to do drugs, that’s the best part. Maybe I am wearing rose colored glasses.

Right then, I suppose I will save some of this post to be written for tomorrow morning or the wee hours of the night. See you then.

Teabags number 2

The middle of the night. You people who have sent me a silly poem through the comments box, and you know who you are, please pick up the You Make Me Smile Award. Here it is for your
convenience, Maggie May and Frances:

Nothing spectacular happened yesterday, even though it was Ascension Day and we might have expected something supreme of nature. As a matter of fact, I am kind of disappointed that nothing did, although I am sure that somewhere in the world something significant happened. I don’t know, because I didn’t watch the news or read the paper at all. Let me check the BBC News.

“At least 35 people are killed in a double suicide bomb attack on a town in the northern Iraqi province of Diyala.”

“George W Bush offers $770m (£390m) in new international food aid to help ease the effects of surging food prices.”

“The US military confirms it carried out a pre-dawn missile strike in Somalia which killed a senior Islamist militant.”

Well, those are far from my bed stories, aren’t they? I am certainly not going to lie awake worrying about those things, am I? Those are just the ordinary every day things we always hear about in the news, very abstract words about almost unreal events. What do they mean? What does it have to do with me? Well, I may care about the surging food prices, but my government subsidizes all the farmers in my country, so I guess it won’t be all that bad, will it?

Just some thoughts to wrap your mind around and a reminder to me that I need to read the BBC news more often. I used to read them every day before I started blogging so extensively and I was a well informed citizen of this world, but I guess you can’t be all things to all people, mostly not to yourself, so you do make your choices. It’s easier and more pleasant to be wrapped up in your own little world and all the things that exist in it, and to save your world awareness for that half an hour of news at night on the TV, which is really not sufficient, because it should be at least one hour to cover the news of the world properly, and you live in such a little country as it is, and how much significant news can it produce?

Motorcycle Helmet

Today I am seeing the physiotherapist for the first time and I am very curious. I hope I don’t have to take of too many of my clothes, because I don’t like my body too naked. I like the disguise of clothes.

We have to take Jesker to the vet to see if his knees have improved much, which we think they have, because he hops and jumps around, and to have a sore looked at on his paw. We will get more medication for his osteoarthritis, because it is benefiting him so much and I would like to keep him on the low dose of pain medication, because he is getting around so well.

The other day when we were in town, we met a gentleman with an American cocker spaniel that was a year old and a real enthusiastic dog. She was smaller than Jesker who is an English one, but we liked this one too. The man said that his other cocker spaniel had died when he was 12 years old and that made us kind of sad, because Jesker is going to be 11 years old this month. Knock on wood, so far so good. I can’t imagine life without Jesker in it, but we would go to the humane society and look for another dog right away.

No, you can’t go out and get a new son. You cherish the other child that you also have.

Do you also find it hardest to show how much you love the people you do? As if there is a barrier that prevents you from throwing all caution to the wind and that doesn’t allow you to freely show them that you are crazy about them and would give your life for them? That you absolutely adore them with all your heart and being? Since the start of my illnesses I find that the hardest thing to do and I count the start back to the day my mother died, because that is when I really became full out sick and the absolute day was when I left my ex husband and my kids and set off on my own with my own deeply muddled mind.

Anyway, it is as if you cross a barrier and someone has told you that from this boundary on, you are not allowed to show the people you love most, how much you love them with all the abundance that you feel in your heart. You have given up that right and handed over your papers giving you the privilege. God’s wrath will be your punishment.

I love silently and do not give many outward signs of it, which makes me look aloof and cold, when in truth I care very much. I am so self contained and withdrawn that other people have to come to me and shake the love free from me. If they don’t, it won’t come out. I am almost autistic in this. I would have made a great protestant Calvinist. All of my words of love to God and none of affection to my fellow man.

There is something I wish for and that is the freedom to show my love freely and with abundance. To not be so captured and chained in these emotional confines. I suppose I need a falling star or something to wish on real soon. Can someone arrange that for me?

Well, this is turning into a long post so I guess I will knit an end to it now, as we say here. It certainly has been most contemplative. Sometimes you travel deep into your mind like that.

Have a funky, unfrazzled Friday. It’s almost weekend, which is a mixed blessing, if you know what I mean.

Signed,

Irene the Brave.

Ciao…

Market Stall Hair Sprays.

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Green Leaf


Very early Monday morning
. I woke up, “walked” into the living room, turned on the computer and then sat there like a zombie with my eyes half closed and drool coming out of my mouth. I realized I needed to sleep some more and stumbled over to the sofa, that is literally the word for it, laid down and was instantly asleep again. I’ve stopped drooling and my eyes are wide open and I can even hold on to a thought, so I think I may be awake now.

Jesker has decided that he needs to go out for a piddle now in the middle of the night, every night. He very impatiently starts pacing right beside me and if I ignore him he starts to make urgent little sounds. If I ask him if he needs to piddle, he barks once, so I let him out immediately, so as to not awaken the neighbors. He disappears into the dark, but if I listen carefully, I really do hear him piddle, so it’s not a trick just to get a treat. Afterwards, he goes to his pillow beside the bed and goes back to sleep with not a worry on his mind.That does explain his impatient presence beside my side of the bed when I get up a bit later than usual. My slow middle of the night mind had not put those two things together yet. Duh! I thought he just liked me very much!

Sitting behind the computer is becoming quite a chore with me slouching to the right all the time, but it does not stop me from doing so, that’s how dedicated I am. I actually have sore muscles on the left side from trying to sit up straight. I keep trying to invent new ways to sit in this chair so I won’t slouch, but I haven’t figured it out yet, slouch I will. Eduard timed how long I would last upright in bed yesterday and it took one minute for me so start slouching to the right. I was leaning into two pillows and drinking a mug of decaf, so it was in my interest to stay upright.

I looked at the insert to the medication that was last added and increased to my inventory off, but it didn’t mention this kind of problem as a side effect, so next I will read all the inserts to all the other medications. You start thinking of a type of neuralgia or MS even, but it is too much of a puzzlement to figure out on my own. We just don’t have those kinds of diseases run in our family anyway.

The Street

I used to have a medical book in the States with the most common diseases and I would read it and diagnose myself all the time with having all sorts of diseases. This was before I knew that I was manic depressive and I tended to have vague physical ailments, some of which had real causes and some of which didn’t. Anyway, every week I had discovered a new disease that I had, because I became convinced that I had all the symptoms. I saw that GP a lot and he became convinced that I was a mad woman, thereby missing the diagnosis of severe endometriosis for which I had to have surgery and a bad case of hypothyroidism, because I had cried wolf too often.

Nowadays I tend to ignore my body and be aware of my mind more often and I don’t see my GP that much, although I had to when I developed diabetes from being overweight and saw him when I wanted to stop living and very seriously asked him to help me step out of life with the help of the right medications, which he refused to do, so I had to take what I had in my possession and failed.

He misdiagnosed my problem with my eyes, which turned out to be caused by too much thyroid medication and which I had to solve myself. That bothers me. That’s why I am worried about going to him about my back and I asked Eduard to come with me as a witness to it, because he sees it happening all the time. I am always afraid of being not taken seriously enough.

I diagnosed my own diabetes and just had him confirm it, even though I had come with some complaints earlier about being thirsty and having to piddle a lot, amongst other things, and always being tired. I guess I don’t have a lot of faith in GP’s, but in the Netherlands, you don’t get to see a specialist unless you have been referred by a GP. I should probably see a neurologist if I am not mistaken.

Anyway…

The Plague House

Let’s not get all morbid here, Irene! Really! There are so many other things to talk about. Yes, but are they always on my mind? I have some other kinds of memories on my mind this early morning, because I dreamed about my ex again and I must do that about two to three times a month, so you see how I am not done with that at all. In my dreams, I am always angry at him and tell him all the things I didn’t say when I should have, because he was such a nice guy who wore a big sign around his neck that said, “Please don’t kick me.”

He was so full of incompetence as a partner that it still boggles my mind and I try to solve that in my dreams. Being married to a passive-aggressive person is the worst thing that can happen to you, because they don’t fight fair and square. You aren’t ever supposed to get angry at them, because they are so nice and they do their best and everybody is on their side, because they are such kind and jovial guys. Argh! Stay away from them as far as you can!

Uh oh, I think maybe I am married to a nice guy now, but there must be quite a difference in type, because I don’t feel all suffocated and strangled and I am allowed to get angry and he does reply to me. But yes, I am married to a nice guy, maybe that is why he is being recalcitrant right now. Hhhmmm…this needs further looking into. I mean, I came out of a two year relationship with a not so nice and very self centered person when I rediscovered Eduard. I was ready for nice.

Anyway…

City View

I am going to put this baby to bed, isn’t that what they say in the newspaper business? Or am I way behind the times? I’ve got some thinking to do.

“Slay many dragons, spare not a horse, save all the maidens, boredom is worse.”

Sing this to the tune of “Climb any mountain.”

Ciao, y’all…

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It’s Tuesday afternoon two PM. I have about 30 minutes before I am off to bed with my extra pill and a glass of hot milk for my therapeutic rapid cycling prevention nap. I saw my SPN this morning and we decided that this is the best thing to do for now, and to not even wait for things to start getting bad, but to just go to bed when the time is about right. I also talked with her about getting on a team with a psychiatrist and SPN’s who really specialize in mood disorders, which she and my psychiatrist don’t, so I think I will switch teams.

I want to be on the team with the most expertise and the most knowledge of what can go potentially wrong and what to do about it. You’ll remember me talking about this last year and not making the move ultimately to spare my psychiatrist’s feelings, but this time I am going through with it, because I have to think of myself first and foremost. I’ll get an angry sob story from my psychiatrist, but I’ve run out of patience with him.

Right, gotta go.

4:30 PM. Oh, that was a lovely nap. The dog woke me up, because there was someone at the door, or I would have slept right through that. The mailman always delivers packages here if the neighbors in the building aren’t home, so we are the official package pick up place. Luckily, we are very trustworthy people!

Right, where was I? Oh yes, the special mood distorder team, which I definitely think I belong on. I think it is only my psychiatrist’s ego that has kept me from it so far. At any rate, my SPN is going to discuss it with him, because she also seems to think that this is where I really belong, that patients should always be placed inside the specialty groups, as they more and more stream line the care they are given. It makes sense to me, doesn’t it? I challenge anyone to give me the definition of the words ultradian cycling and then I’ll believe them.

After I saw my SPN I went to the filmhouse , where Eduard made me a lovely cappucchino with chocolate on top and he gave me some money to go and buy two more short sleeved T-shirts at M&S fashion, so I got a army green one and an orange one, very fashionably cut. These are fitted stretch T-shirts, so now I think I am all set fot this summer, except for a bathingsuit, which you wont see me wear for all the money in the world. Well, maybe for that much I’d do it, but only for that much. Eduard is on his way home. He had a school film showing this afternoon, but now he doesn’t have to work this evening, so that will be nice and cozy. That will give us some quality time together and I am all for that. He just walked in and now has taken the dog for his walk. The dog was beside himself with joy, he always is when he sees Eduard, as we all are. Except that I don’t jump up and down and run around in circles and make funny noises. I do other things.

Eduard has made a new sign to put on the coffee table. It is laminated and says, “This is ultra rapid cycling, take a pill and go to sleep!” The old sign wasn’t sufficient anymore and he made a new one at the suggestion of my SPN. It is sitting right were I put my coffee mug and it is never to be ignored and always to be obeyed and if Eduard points at it, I am to do what it says immediately. Hopefully, I will still have enough sense to figure it out on my own. I never want a repeat of the other night, that’s for sure, because that was like going through a little hell. Or a big hell, if you please.

Well, I have to go and watch the news now and be an updated citizen. It’s what I do for my country!

Sometime after midnight. I kept falling asleep on the sofa last night, so Eduard sent me to bed at 8:30. It was wonderful to lie down and put my tired body to sleep under the cool duvet.Right now I seem to covet sleep and I am very happy for it, because for a long time it wasn’t like that. I avoided going to bed and going to sleep, as if sleep was my enemy and being awake and alert was my greatest duty.

Not so anymore now, I can sleep like a babe in the woods and have the nicest dreams which all pertain to me being a member of the royal household and being on very easy terms with the present queen. We all wear evening dress a lot and lots of jewelry, but tastefully so, as if we date back to Edwardian times. Hhhmmm…very interesting!

Those are my queen dreams, which I regularly have. I also have my pope dreams and I am not even catholic or very religious, but I dream I am an insider to the Vatican regularly and hang out with the pope as if I am an intimate friend.

I dream of other world leaders too, but I am very disrespectful of George Bush. Do you think I may have visions of grandeur? Or does it have to do with being somewhat hypo manic and euphoric? It is true that at times I don’t feel like an ordinary human being at all, but that I think of myself as someone special for whom doors ought to be opened and red carpets ought to be rolled out.

Hence this regal image, which was made of a portrait of queen Beatrix who is 70 years old this year and may possibly abdicate in favor of her son Willem-Alexander, which would give us our first king in a very long time. His daughter Amelia, is going to be our queen when her time comes. The first born inherits the throne, be it boy or girl.

The best thing about the Paintshop Pro fuctions is the undo button, you can undo any stupid mistake you made and get back to what you liked originally and start over again and there is a lot of trial and error, believe me! Sometimes something so gruesome comes out that I shudder at the result, but then I think, “Undo, undo!” Thank goodness for that! I am not a quick learner like Eduard is, for intsance. He has these kinds of things figured out much quicker than I do.

Well, much as I hate to leave you, I must go read some blogs, because I have been remiss in that and I need to get caught up. What shall we call today? Wobbly and waggly Wednesday? Teetering on the half of the workweek Wednesday? Is Friday yet in sight Wednesday?

You all have a terrific day no matter what you call it. Be good, for goodness sake, don’t wobble too much or you’ll fall over and make a dent in the pavement. That goes for you hardheaded people.

Ciao…

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