Posts Tagged ‘early morning’

Where did the day go? Already it is getting dark outside and pretty soon I have to take the Überhund for his last walk.

Well, I do admit that I wasted a lot of time trying to download Linux for free when everybody knows there is no such thing as a free lunch. I downloaded different versions of it a few times, and that took forever, but I didn’t get them to work for me, so I suppose I will have to lay my hands on a bona fide CD and install it properly. I don’t know why I suddenly have this bee in my bonnet about Linux, but suddenly I have decided that I want it. Mmm, rather strange. Why don’t you write me if you have any experience with it.

I also got it in my head to change browsers, so I went from Firefox to  Opera, and  I don’t know why I did that either. Actually, I think they are all diversionary tactics to keep me doing from what I really need to do, and that is write letters of objection. I thought this morning that I had to make a few copies of some financial papers, but I ended up making 20. I am sending these to various people who have to know that they are not doing their job properly. It all makes me sick and I have written two letters already. I don’t even want to talk about it. People are laying down on the job.  I think they are stuck behind their desk with two fingers stuck in their noses and their eyes half shut humming nameless tunes.

I got up late in the morning after i had been up for a while, but decided to go back to bed. It does me a lot of good, that extra sleep. Just two hours or so. Then I hung out behind the computer postponing the inevitable, walking the Überhund and he was being so good about it, until he just couldn’t wait any longer and there was a dry spell in the rain that was coming down.

After I had gone to the store to make all the copies, I felt pretty disgusted for having had to make them and wanted to complain about it to someone, but my sister wasn’t home, so I called the Exfactor who told me he was on his way over to come and do laundry because his washing machine was broken. So, I waited until he got here nd complained loudly and then he complained loudly to me about Social Services too, because they think he can pay me a hefty amount of alimony. So we both bitched for a while.

Then we just visited like ordinary people and I realized that we have actually developed a normal friendship and that the Exfactor felt completely at ease to tell me about the long weekend he had just spent with the Paramount and that it didn’t bother me one bit and I asked questions about it and felt fine with it. We can even discuss our relationship very casually and talk about relationships in general and what fools people can be. So that is good.

He came back later, after he had gone to the hospital for X-rays and a new cast on his arm, and picked up his laundry and will be back for my birthday on the 7th. Such pals we are.

I am going to keep this short, because i am beat and I want to take the Überhund for his walk and get into my pajamas and veg out in front of the TV. I have no other desire but to put my mind on zero exertion.

Have a good day and ad vise me about Linux if you can, is it really the great thing it’s supposed to be?



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This morning, during ergo therapy, I was telling everyone about my week and I was also telling them about the Überhund and his osteoarthritis and his cataracts and how he is getting old and is going to be showing all these old age disabilities. The leader of the groups asked me what was going to happen to me when the Überhund died and I answered that I was going to have a very tough time with that, because he is like my child and my whole day is centered around him.

This resulted in a discussion with the whole group about me getting another dog now, so that the loss won’t be as bad when the Überhund does pass away. Most people were for it and some had their doubts, but it did get me thinking and when I got home and found the time, I checked out some of the local websites of the Humane Societies where you can see a photograph and a description of each dog that is up for adoption.

I found one dog that is about 6 years old and a crossbred hunting dog. He is very friendly and gets along well with other dogs and likes to travel by car. The only problem is that he is in Heerlen, which is 14 kilometers from here, so I need transportation, although I can go by train.

I called my sister and told her about my potential plan, but she was very busy and gave me a very negative reaction to the whole thing. She could not explain at the time why she felt that way, because she had company, but she said she would call me back later. I am curious to hear her objections.

Apparently she had already given it some thought and had anticipated some sort of move from me like that, which is funny, because I never talked about it. Now I do feel that I have to have permission from my sister to get another dog, because I am dependent on her for transportation. Don’t you hate being in that sort of situation?

Anyway, I suppose I will listen to her arguments and then make up my own mind about it. I will have to get a collar and a leash and an extra pillow. I realize that two dogs will be extra work and extra costs in food and vet bills, but it should also bring two times the amount of joy and love.

If anybody has any feelings about this, please feel free to share them with me. I am open to all input.

Today, at ergo therapy, we discussed our lesser personality traits like I thought we would and I discussed the one I called my stand offishness, which is really a kind of detachment. It is strange, but other people don’t experience me that way at all. They think I am friendly and kind and open. They don’t realize that I hold back a lot and keep putting up that invisible wall.

We took turns leaving the room and the group had to pick a card out of the whole deck that best described the person that was gone. When I came back, they had picked for me ‘smart mouthed’, which I had to laugh about heartily, because I do have something to say always in a more or less humorous way. It’s a humorous sort of cynicism.

Anyway, the theme we are going to be working on is ‘detachment’ and why we have it and what function it serves and how we can possibly get over it without getting our feelings stomped on. It takes courage not to be detached and you get that way because of many experiences that taught you to be like that.

Now that I’ve got all me medications sorted out again, the leader of the group said I looked better than I had in a long time. It just goes to show you that I must not mess with my medicines. It’s a big no no.

Well, I wont quite say goodbye on this post yet, but save it for later tonight, after I’ve heard from my sister and what her arguments are. I’ll just save it for now. So you’ll hear the rest of the story in a while.

My sister called me back and was quite honest with me about why I should not get another dog at this time. She reminded me how expensive it is to take care of a dog properly, buying him good food, taking him to the vet, getting him groomed regularly and that this was already difficult for me to do for the Überhund, let alone for another dog.

She also thought that I was too attached to him and saw him almost as a human being instead of a dog and that I need to work on developing relationships with real human beings and that the Überhund can not be a replacement for having friends in my life.

She is right on all counts and I have changed my mind about getting another dog and will do what she says and that is take care of the Überhund really well and try to get some human beings into my life also. I suppose it is really good if you have a sister who tells you the truth sometimes.

So, that is the end of that short lived idea and in the meantime I am trying to get a hold of the woman who grooms the Überhund, as it is time for him to have a bath and a trim, as he is getting kind of stinky, according to my sister, which I don’t smell, of course, being with him all the time.

Well, it is now 5AM and just let the Überhund out in my bathrobe. That is, I let him run around out front while I stood by the outside door and smoked a cigarette while he did his business, he was in such urgent need.

I’ve got to visit some blogs. I am way behind on those.

Have a good day and don’t be having any sort of bright ideas suddenly without discussing them with your sibling first.


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The day started off with me getting up at 5AM and fixing myself a mug of coffee and turning on the computer, but all the while I was sitting there kind of bleary eyed as if I wasn’t quite in my right senses. I tried to remedy this by drinking the coffee and eating some toast, but it was all for naught and at 6AM I was forced to go back to bed and sleep some more, which I did very easily. All I had to do was put my head on the pillows and pull the duvet over me.

I woke up at 10 AM and finally felt awake enough to stumble out of bed to the Senseo machine to make myself some coffee and have a nice leisurely wake up with numerous mugs of coffee and equally numerous cigarettes, except that suddenly the Exfactor showed up to come and get some motor parts and I was still in my pajamas which he didn’t seem to notice at all. He was never observant that way. We had a cup of coffee and then he was on his way and I called my older sister and had a nice leisurely chat with her. That way the morning was a complete waste of time. I did check my bank account and found out that I am solvent again.

Then I carefully picked out what i was going to wear and took the Überhund for a walk and he surprised me with three baggies full. Luckily, I am always prepared.

I cleaned the house and then noticed that my back tire was kind of low and called the Exfactor to find out if I had a bike pump anywhere. it turned out I did and I proceeded to try and pump up my tire and I did it wrong and in the process let all the air our of my tire and couldn’t figure out how to work the pump to get the air back in, so i had to call the Exfactor again to ask him what to do. He was kind enough to come over and show me what I had done wrong and how to do it right the next time. Isn’t that awful? A Dutch woman who doesn’t know how to work the bike pump?

Anyway, I made rice in chicken bouillon for the Überhund who knew exactly what I was doing and was waiting very impatiently for me to get done with it. The cooling off period is the worst, because he knows that it is done, but he has to wait. Actually, I am now becoming quite adept at cooking rice, which was not one of my strong points before. You just mustn’t let yourself get intimidated by it.

I am trying to read so many blogs now that I have to take out a few hours every day to read them all. I do want to leave comments, as I appreciate it so much when people leave comments on mine. I would like to get paid for reading blogs, that would be a good part time job for me.

I need to go walk the Überhund as it is starting to get dark outside and I don’t want to wait too long, besides, he is giving me signals that it is time, so I better go now. See you in a while…

So, we had ourselves a nice little walk, although there are always various bushes and other interesting nooks and crannies that i have to pull him out of, where he looks for (in)edible stuff to munch on. He has very strange taste in food stuff. Pretty disgusting actually. He acts like he is a starving street dog who never gets anything to eat. His nose is always to the ground looking for, what to him is, food.

I have been drinking decaf for a while now and I am slowly winding down. After I am done writing this I will watch some TV and then head off to bed. As soon as I start yawning I know I am getting close to calling it a day. I am craving a huge cold vanilla shake, but do you think I can find one of those around here? The cola light is all gone, so I think I will drink a huge glass of cold milk.

You have yourself a great day and a dog with discriminating tastes.


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For those of you who were looking forward to read all about my adventurous journey to Amsterdam, I have to disappoint you, because I didn’t go.

I woke up at 4 AM and dreaded the thought that I had to go all the way there and just could not find the motivation to and was hoping there was a way to get out of it. I called my daughter in Texas and asked her if there was any other way to get my request for the marriage certificate notarized. She said, yes, if I could find a competent and recognized notary in Maastricht, then that would do also.

Of course, I reached for the yellow pages immediately and started my search and soon found one that I thought would do and when it was a decent enough hour I called and made an appointment, which I was able to get this afternoon. Notaries are university educated people who do estate planning and last wills and testaments and make up contracts. They usually have their offices in the most beautiful old buildings in town. This one did too.

Anyway, my request was notarized and it will have to be good enough. They even notarized a copy of my passport. If this is not good enough, I will travel to Sonoma County and pick the darn thing up myself.

The rest of the day was spent walking around in the heat with the Uberhund and riding my bike to the store to make copies of important papers for Social Services and to do groceries, again. I drink a liter of milk a day, so I constantly have to replenish the supply and then there is always cat and dog food to get and fresh bread.

It’s very warm outside. Tomorrow it is going to be equally warm with rain and thunder storms. That should be quite a spectacle. I am already planning on wearing the least amount of clothes, because I was overdressed today. Trying to make a good impression on the notary.

I have lost 8 kilos since I have told the Exfactor that I wanted a divorce. Don’t worry, I am not starving myself. I eat when I am hungry, but my little stomach gets full very quickly. Today, for lunch, I had pudding with berry sauce and it went down well. Those kinds of foods always go down easy. Sometimes I let myself have a treat.

I have stopped taking the Temazepam during the day and have found no averse effects from it.  I am as calm as I was before. I take one 10 mg pill at night before I go to sleep and I sleep better. It is so nice to go to bed and feel myself getting drowsy and hear my book plunk down on the floor beside the bed.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for you today. Positively boring, isn’t it? I tell you, there is no drama in my life anymore. I am turning into just your everyday boring old blogger. Pretty soon I’ll have to start making up events to keep your attention.


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I hope I have the wherewithal and the  energy to finish this post, because I feel like I’ve had a long day, when in reality not all that very much has happened in it, it just seems that way.

I got up early, but kept toppling over behind the computer and finally gave in and went to sleep some more on the sofa with a confused Uberhund by my side, who wanted to be petted, but I was too tired to raise my arm.

When the alarm clock went off at 6 AM, I was ready to get up and made myself a strong coffee and a piece of toast and was then more then ready to take the Uberhund for a very vigorous walk around the neighborhood. The fresh morning air works like a potent waker up and I always feel invigorated when we get back to the apartment where the Uberhund immediately goes back to sleep. I got dressed and made up and made a supply of cigarettes and contemplated my navel before I set off for my ergo therapy.

I am really starting to enjoy going there now, as I am becoming more familiar and comfortable with the other people in the class and less intimidated with the projects that we have to work on each day, as I have decided to tackle everything with humor and sarcasm, which is one way to overcome my resistance and inhibitions to the difficulties of the subjects. Somehow, this is accepted from me and almost expected now, although not everyone is always comfortable with it, as I can be rather confronting. Sometimes I am larger than life.

Today I was up to my usual shenanigans and was able to have some people join into the fun and set the tune to the subject and got it going into the direction I wanted it going in, which gave me my hilarity while learning something about myself at the same time, namely that a dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste. What is to become of me?

When I was done making a pest of myself there, I went home and walked the Uberhund and went to the grocery store where I bought some of that delicious bread to make toast with. I hauled a big shopping bag of groceries home and I am getting quite adept at that while still managing to ride my bike in a straight line and taking the corners quite nicely.

Then I took a lunch break and after that my sister came and picked me up, because we were going to have tea at the Exfactor’s house. He had invited us to come and see where he lived.

I have mixed feelings about the visit. It was interesting to see where he lives, in a big chilly house that is partially furnished and has a big beautiful garden, but seems like a kind of lonely place to be.

The Exfactor was his usual talkative self with all of his opinions on anything and everything and that sort of wore me out, because it reminded me of being married to him and it made me feel half defeated and tired. He talks a lot and likes to be the center of attention and have an opinion on everything and be right about it. I felt all of my energy drain out of me and tried to tune out as much as possible or change the subject to something completely different.

On the way home, my sister said, “There is a man walking around with his soul under his arm. I think he is very unhappy.” I thought about that for a while and tried not to let the thought bother me, because I am happy and I don’t want the thought of the Exfactor being unhappy destroy my happiness.

So, when I got home, I called him and asked him point blanc if he was unhappy in that big empty house by himself and out of that ensued a conversation that we should have had some time earlier about the end of our marriage and how our lives were going now and how we were changing and how much we still worried about the other person and it actually turned into a good conversation and at the end of it I felt better about him being on his own and being able to take care of the details of his life.

There is not a hair on my head that thinks about sacrificing my happiness in order for him to gain his. I fiercely protect what I have now and will not give it up for anything. I would run away from home before I would sacrifice anything. I love my life and want to keep it just the way it is.

So, I am very relieved that the Exfactor doesn’t need an rescue effort, because I wasn’t the one who was going to do it. I would have recommended therapy and a social worker. Some intervention team.

It seems that he sees the Paramount almost every weekend, so I am unclear on that situation and I don’t want to pry. I don’t know if that meets his expectations or if he is not content with that.

Anyway, I did get just a bit emotional about that, but then again, I did manage to pull myself back together again quickly. I do know how to watch out for myself and how to not let myself get pulled in to a long drama that has not much to do with me in the end, callous as that sounds. I am involved, but only up to a point. I hate to get over emotional about these things.

It is so nice to walk into the apartment and be surrounded by the animals and my things. I really feel comfortable here and it is a safe place for me to be. I feel very much at ease here. I cherish the time I spend here on my own.

Well, now it is time to walk the Uberhund again for the last time today. It is his biggest joy, to be walked. I enjoy it too.


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For some strange reason, which I am not in the least concerned about, I am back to falling asleep early at night and waking up in the wee hours of the morning. It seems to be a natural way for me to get through my 24 hours of the day and it is only a problem if I can’t get a nap in some time during the day. Usually I manage that some time in the morning, but this morning I have to go to creative therapy and I hope I can find an interesting activity that will keep me awake and alert.

It is confusing to the Uberhund when I get up so early and he comes out with a look of doubt on his face and has me pet him a lot to be reassured that everything is okay. Then he hesitatingly walks back to the bedroom to get some more sleep,  because he is a sensible dog.  I think he really likes the nighttime when he doesn’t have to be alert and present and he can really fall into a deep sleep.

My sister came back from her vacation yesterday and had a nice tan to show for it. She looked great, but she was wearing the wrong clothes, because it was very cool and rainy here. Her soon to be ex husband and she took turns spending a week each with their kids in an apartment in a small town on the Costa Brava, where the kids learned how to scuba dive. Apparently, this is a town where Spanish people go on holiday and there weren’t many foreigners there and the food was delicious.

It is impossible now for me to talk about food with any pleasure at all, as my gastric band seems to have gotten tighter and the portions I can eat comfortably have gotten much smaller over the past two weeks. I had to make some adjustments for that and was overeating at first and suffering with the results of that with pain and regurgitation. I now have figured out how much I can eat all at once and it is very little and I think that the gastric band will not have to be filled again.

I had heard that this sometimes happens. That some weeks after it has been filled again, it suddenly seems to get tighter and you can eat less all of the sudden. When you are not aware of that at first, you make the mistake of eating the same portions you were and getting sick.

So, to me eating food is very much about being physically hungry now and nothing else, because I associate it with discomfort and not with pleasure. I really have to think about how much I am going to eat and about when I will eat again and if what I eat will be nourishing and filling enough to last a while. There can be no empty calories, there has to be nutrition in them. Yesterday, for instance, I had a piece of toast of some very good bread. One hour later, I tried to eat a one egg omelet, but only could eat a few bites of it and I was disgustingly full and had to stop eating and give the rest to the Uberhund.

Hey, I would be a very cheap guest if I came to stay at your house, it takes so little to feed me and you wouldn’t have to take me out to a restaurant or anything. I can’t even eat the kid’s menu or an appetizer.

Actually, I would make a lousy house guest, because I smoke and drink coffee constantly and you won’t let me do that at your house, so, unless you have a nice climate and a comfortable veranda to sit on, I won’t be coming by any time soon. I do so hate to give up my pleasures.

Well, that’s it for me for today. I must go and try to eat some toast and stare at my navel for a little while in my ever decreasing stomach. Did you know that I have a very hollow navel, because the midwife put a heavy coin on it to make it an “innie”, only the coin was too heavy? Maybe my mother told a great big fib and I will go on believing this even though it isn’t true at all.


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Not one, but two.

Of course, once I’m back, I’m really back and I do that by writing not one, but two posts in the shortest amount of time.

It was my intention to sleep late this morning, but here I am again in the very wee hours of the morning, wide awake and ready to go, listening to my jazz. I must remember to get more rechargeable batteries, because now I keep running out before I have recharged enough of them, so it is borrow from one to make the other work.

Isn’t it great, though, how I can sit here in the wee hours of the morning and listen to my jazz and not bother anyone? It is wonderful to be autonomic in one’s own apartment. To be the queen of my little realm. I don’t know how the animals feel about it, but they make no sort of complaint, so I gather all is well with them or they have a great way of tuning out unpleasant sounds.

I am drinking some very strong Senseo, big mug, double pad, just the way I like it. The mug is from Starbucks, by the way, the company with the very expensive coffee, but Americans need it, because they were deprived of very good coffee in their culture for a long time. Are the English deprived of very good coffee as a rule also? We Dutch people aren’t. We can get a good cup in any café we go to, we are very lucky that way. As are the Germans and some other Europeans. It is as though some cultures refuse to make a decent cup of coffee, when it is just as easy to make a good one as it is to make a bad one. Don’t get me started!

My trusty four footed friend just realized that I wasn’t in the bedroom anymore and has come out to lie by my feet on the very hard floor, but dogs don’t seem to mind that. You can tell he is getting older, because he sleeps a lot, but he is still very feisty when we go out. He hops and skips en pulls at the leash very stubbornly, so he is still full of piss and vinegar as the saying goes. When he doesn’t want to move, he doesn’t move. He digs in and holds steady. Those pills really help his osteoarthritis. I think they are his Superman pills.

Well, I must go. I have things to do and people to see. This was just a little interlude in life. A sort of quick hello and an even quicker goodbye. I have many mugs of coffee to drink yet and a delicious piece of toast waiting for me to eat.

Have a wonderful day all of you, my good hearted fellow bloggers.


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