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Posts Tagged ‘Jesker’

There comes a time, when you have read so many blogs that you are saturated with them and that you can not leave another sensible comment. Then it is time to quit and save the rest of them for another day ,says I, who is not a quitter and who goes on until the bitter end, but even I have to admit when i am beat. Much as I would like to leave an amusing or other form of astounding comment, at one point my brain is not capable of it anymore and I just blank out. That’s why I take turns beginning either at the top of the list or at the bottom, so that all people will get an equal share of my attention.

Today I had the fortune of sharing the woes of my pitiful financial situation with the group of people at my ergo therapy and let me tell you, a worry shared weighs less and there was much compassion all around making me not feel so alone in all of this. As I heard myself speak, I realized how ridiculous the whole thing was and how strange bureaucracy works and how I need to fight the system by being a dishonest citizen. I will nver be gullible and naive again and always watch out for number one.

I stayed home this afternoon, waiting for the tax people to call me, which of course they didn’t and they probably won’t until the very last day in the very last hour, but if that is what they are planning on doing, I am calling them first. I do have a mouth to open and a brain to form the right words to say what’s on my mind. I am not some easily intimidated person whom they can talk under the table.

This morning I had a stomachache worrying about it all, but it quickly disappeared and I am now my usual feisty self.

I am making friends on Facebook and collecting an eclectic bunch of people, one of whom wants to flirt with me, but I think I am old enough to be his mother and he lives in South Africa. It’s all in good fun, though, and I can take it as far as I let it go. I try not to neglect anyone and go by everyday to send them each a message. Not good karma or flowers or eggs with surprises in them, but just a plain old message.

Jesker is being his regular spoiled self and thinks he needs to be walked every hour. Of course, I don’t fall for this and he is very disappointed when I don’t. I try to give him some other kind of attention to divert his mind and that usually works, until he gets bored again and wants to go out. He has a great need to look for inedible substances and thinks he will find those all over the place whenever we go out.

I am so tired at the end of the day. I look forward to going to bed, yet try to postpone it until I am a zombie and barely capable of coherent movement. I have put clean sheets on the bed today, so it will be extra nice to go to sleep tonight. I love crispy clean sheets.

Today at ergo therapy we had to rob each other’s territory with paint on a large piece of paper and the battle between me and my partner became so heated that we ended up taking the whole bottles of paint and squirting them directly on the paper. It was hard to see who won, it was a close draw, but a lot of fun, as opposed to the other couple who neatly stayed in their own territory. It was all a matter of interpretation and how far you were willing to go. I will go far to defend my territory. You learn something new every day.

The other obvious thing is too, that I am full of humor there and I am not so in real life. In real life I have a tendency to be too serious, so I have to learn to carry this humor out into the outside world. Apparently I make people like me through my sense of humor and my big mouth and everybody will tell you that I am a nice person.

I receive lots of good kudos there, if only I could do that in real life.

I’ve got to find myself a new book to read,as i finished the one about Chicago May. I am hoping there are some books on the book case that I haven’t read yet. At least ones good enough to put me to sleep. I have my whole sleeping ritual of making toasted bread and a glass of warm milk and getting my book and my strongest reading glasses. The warm milk really helps me sleep, it works better than a sleeping pill. The toasted bread is comfort food, to make it more cozier, I share it with the dog.

Well, that’s all she wrote for today. It’s time to sit back and relax for a few moments before walking Jesker again and putting his eye drops in. There is never rest for the wicked.

Sleep tight everyone, treat your alarm clock with patience, it’s only doing its job.

Ciao…

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Because I had to live on a teeny little welfare check for two months, that was not even enough to buy groceries with, Eduard supported me financially the best way he could by also borrowing money and making ends meet. Because of this, Social Services sees this money as income and is therefor not giving me my regular welfare check for this month. As a matter of fact, I am getting no money at all. So, until September the 20th, I will have to live on the money I borrow from my Visa card, because money borrowed is not considered income, because you can show that you are having to pay it back. I can not receive money from anybody else, as that will be considered income and will be withdrawn from my welfare payment. I can submit an objection, but it is all going to take precious time and in the meantime I am going to be very poor and owing a lot of money.

Still, after the initial shock of it, I decided to put on my happy face and consider myself lucky that I even have a credit card with enough credit left on it that I can borrow the money from. I would have to go through all sorts of lengths to get money otherwise and frankly, I would not know how, except for hanging a red light in the window. So, I’m trying to look at it cheerfully.

The man who is handling my case at Social Services now is new and he thought that the money I had received from Eduard was an alimony payment and that I would get that much money all the time. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry and I told him that I was sorry, but that I had to pull myself together and that I would call him back shortly. I did have to pull myself together emotionally and I don’t like to do that while on the phone with a well meaning, but complete stranger.

This also explains why the tax people, who decide about my rent and medical care subsidies, told me they would call me back later this week between 1 and 3 PM. They are probably also assuming that I received a large amount of money in alimony payments and will forever. I sure do have some straightening out to do.

Anyway, this bright and happy news did set the tone for the rest of my day, even though I did not want it to, but I couldn’t help but be affected by it. The best thing to do is put on my brave trooper face and act like the whole damn thing is not going to get me down and it won’t in the end. I just hate bureaucracy and the stiff unbending rules that make it work against the little honest people. Eduard and I should have lied our heads off or have made different arrangements, but c’est la vie.

In the meantime, life at the Pondorosa continues with all the regular things that take place, although today was a little bit off. I did walk Jesker four times, but we didn’t make a long walk once, because he gets out of breath so quickly. He pants for a long time when we get back. I have been noticing that this summer. It’s not the heat, because it hasn’t been warm here at all for quite awhile.

I am having fun with Facebook, because this time it is I who picks out who I want to be friends with and I have a eclectic set of rules that only I understand. It comes down to instinct basically, guided by some very basic standards. I manage okay that way and have made some new friends. I even got Eduard to join, which is a miracle of itself.

Tomorrow I have wonderful ergo therapy and we will discuss detachment. I feel I have to crawl into my shell when I get bitterly disappointed, but maybe the thing is to seek your solace amongst people and their healing presence. At least I assume their presence can be healing. I am Irene the Brave, master of all my emotions. Right!

Eduard was here this afternoon, because his mobile phone is in my name and we thought his subscription had to be renewed and the person who owns the phone has to do that. It turned out that the subscription didn’t need to be renewed, it does it of itself, so that was a waste of time, even though they told us last year that we would have to do this. I had my passport and client number all ready for it too. Good intentions all the way down the line.

I am especially looking forward to going to bed tonight, even though so far I am postponing it, but it does mean an end to this rather disappointing day. At the same time, I don’t want to go to bed with even the slightest defeated feeling, so I am staying up until that is completely gone.

Jesker is snoring beside me after he has been very good about letting me put his eye drops in.

The differences between the cats and the dog are really so large. The dog is so dependent on me and the cats are hardly at all. Well, yes they are for their food and water and milk and they let me know very loudly when they’ve run out, but other than that, they are independent creatures that make up their own mind about when they come and go and when they need attention and how much they want. I am much more like a cat that way, because I like my independence too and I hate to be shackled to a time and a place and a person. I would hate to be a dog and I would probably bite my owner in his bum out of frustration. Maybe that’s why I am always so overly nice and patient with Jesker, because I would hate to be him and be dependent on a human being. I try to be an understanding human being for Jesker. I felt the same way when my kids were little and they were dependent on me.

I swept the apartment with a broom and a brush and dustpan this afternoon, because i thought the tax people might call me and I don’t hear the phone when I have the vacuum cleaner running. It worked equally well and you would be amazed by how much sand and hair I swept up. Actually, it was a meditative sort of job and kind of pleasant to do and I may do it again. The drawback is that I don’t vacuum the sofa and chairs then, so I will have to do that another time or wave my magic wand and have them turn out perfectly clean that way. Ha, I wish.

Well, I’ll end this epistle and go and do some other things until I am good and ready for bed. I could go on forever, but I don’t want to bore you with every tiny detail of my life, fascinating as it all may be.

See you all tomorrow, sleep tight.

Ciao…

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I am just puttering around and Jesker follows me wherever I go and helps me putter. Well, actually he doesn’t do much, but look on with a great deal of interest and a wagging tail, but I suppose that is his way of helping. I sit down and contemplate my surroundings and then think of another little job I can do and off I go and take care of it. It is a very enjoyable way to spend a lazy Sunday. I have filled one large trash bag with miscellaneous junk that should have been tossed out a long time ago, but was waiting for an executive decision to be made on it. Since I am the executive now…

God, I love a good toss out. I love to undo myself of superfluous items. I don’t think I have many sentimental bones in my body. If I do hang onto something, it usually something very dear to me that has to do with the children, a picture or a personal note, but I don’t go much beyond that. I figure, when I am gone, somebody has to clean up all that mess and make a decision as to what to do with it, so I try to make it as uncomplicated as possible. I’ll be having more of a toss out later this week when I go through the dresser drawers on more time. Elimination is the game.

My sister came by at noon and admired the new chair and then we took the dogs for a walk, all the while speaking of our future as liberated females. My sister is also having little tastes of it already and has gotten quite the right mind set now. She sees how well I am doing and it gives her courage. In her mind she has divorced herself from her husband already, now she has to make the actual step, which is coming up three days after we have our appointment. Hush, hush, it is a secret!

It is nice to have to change the sheets on only one side of the bed and only one duvet cover, You do get quickly done and not as much of a backache and you get to pick your own theme. I went with the yellow stripes today, very bright and cheerful. When I wake up in the morning, I can’t believe it is just me in the bed and that I am not looking at the hulk of my husband breathing in my space and taking up all that room. It is a much more cheerful way of waking up. It is like being out of prison.

Jesker and I have such a nice morning ritual, we have our whole little routine before we go for our walk and while I drink my first cup of coffee, Jesker lies in front of me, trying to be alert, but almost falling asleep again. Then I say, “Alright old boy, off we go,”and he clambers to all his four legs and scrambles to the hallway. The linoleum is slippery, so he always has to take care that he doesn’t slip and slide around the corner in his enthusiasm. He very nicely sits while I put on his leash and then we both impatiently walk to the front door and can’t wait to be out there in the fresh air. It’s the best time of the day.

Going for four walks with him has been nice. I don’t mind doing it at all as it breaks the day into four handy compartments. They are the times when I take my medications too, so it works out perfectly. I told you that I quit the Temazepam during the night? Well I also stopped taking it during the day and I now only take a low dose of Oxazepam. I don’t quite want to quit that yet, I want to wait for things to really settle down to a very dull roar. I still have the stress of having to deal with Eduard on a regular basis, until the divorce is really final and all the administrative work has been sorted out. I need to keep having this sense of calm and although I think I have it mostly from myself, I need the supposed help from the tranquilizers.

The water spray bottle is working really well to keep the cats off the chair most of the time. They do forget and I sneak up on them silently and spray them and they jump of the chair quite perturbed that I would do such a thing to them. I’m such a mean mom! Toby hasn’t sat on it once, it is Nouri and Gandhi who keep trying it. Toby must have figured out that it is a no go area. He is the smarter cat and prefers the kitchen counter where he lies in the sunshine and he is always close to the faucet being turned on.

I have five trash bags to haul to the curb tonight, each trash bag costs a euro. That’s one way to pay for the pick up, beside paying the regular city taxes. Which I will be excused from with my future low income. There are benefits to being poor. My rent will also be subsidized and my library fees will be free. I think I am even allowed a free newspaper and Internet, but I’m not sure, I have to find out about that. I don’t want the paper, because of the waste, but the gesture is nice. I will lose my housewife allowance, I am sure of that, because I will no longer be married. That will be a real bummer, because it is a nice amount of money and I hope I am mistaken.

All these details will sort themselves out over time and all will be clear. The thing is that I will somehow make ends meet and live on bread and water if I have to. I will have some sort of budget to stick to.

Well, now is the time to shut the computer off and hang up the laundry to dry. I am sure Jesker will come help me do that too. He is such a good little helper.

Have a good rest of the day. Hope Sunday treats you well. It’s good to have a lazy day also every once in a while.

Ciao…

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Mother Nature proved her point that I can sleep without sleeping pills by letting me sleep until just one minute before the alarm clock went off at 7 Am this morning. How is that for perfect planning? This Goddess is a genius. Then I walked around with the alarm clock in my left hand, because I don’t know how to undo the repeat function, so every minute, for 8 minutes, it goes off again. I peed and made coffee and took my medicines and gave Jesker his medicines accompanied by the happy sounds of the snooze alarm. Darn thing!

It doesn’t bother me one bit to sleep alone in the apartment. I don’t have the least amount of insecurity or fear. I have a flashlight on my nightstand in case the electricity goes off and I know what to do if it does. I was up very briefly during the night, an old habit, no doubt, and I made a cup of decaf, but was asleep again before I finished it and I am doing al of this without the sleeping pills. I think it is amazing.

Jesker and I had a cozy time waking up together and then we went for our walk which was chilly. It feels like fall instead of spring. Jesker doesn’t care, he just hops and jumps ahead of me full of joy and goodwill. Oh goody, all these bushes to pee on and stuff to eat off the street before She can stop me from doing so.

I vacuumed the living room and the sofa and chairs really well. Of course, the cats had inundated the new chair with cat hair and now I don’t want them on there anymore at all, so I have a spray bottle of water and each time one of them jumps on the chair they get a good spraying. They certainly don’t like that. Ruining my mew chair! I’ll show them.

At 11 o’clock Eduard came walking in without announcing himself as if he still lived here. We had to make a rule about that right away. Call to let me know that you are coming now.

He went hard at work in the spare room and there was a lot of work to do. Eduard did most of it, as it was mainly his stuff and I did odds and ends, but I did clean out my own closet and shoe storage box and filled some trash bags with junk. Eduard worked very intensively and hard, but I noticed that after three hours I started emotionally sinking as fast as the Titanic. All the stress and negativity and impotence came rushing back into me and I just wanted Eduard to leave.

Luckily, he chanced to get a glimpse of my face and asked me what was wrong and I told him that he had been here too long and that he should go now. Well, Eduard recognizes a hint when he sees one and left very soon after that and it took me about 30 minutes to get my composure back. It made me realize that Eduard and I can never live together again, because he has such a negative effect on me and I thought how sad it was that I had walked around with those feelings all that time. I feel such emotional freedom without him.

He is not quite done yet in the spare room and will have to come back, but maybe he can get the rest accomplished when I am not home some time. I become impotent when I am around him and I don’t want that.

I think, actually I am pretty sure, that I don’t want to be in an intimate relationship again, because I don’t think they bring out the best in me. I think I do best as a single unit with lots of breathing space and room to move around in. I feel suffocated very quickly and don’t like the clinging part and the we become as one bit. I thought I liked it, but I don’t. I pretty much hate it. A dog is as close a relationship as I want to have with a male character.

I can’t begin to express to you the experience I have when I am alone in the apartment with the animals. It is so very special. It is as though I have been given a new life after having been terminally ill for a very long time. There is so much quiet joy in it and so much satisfaction and so much pleasure. It is the most therapeutic thing that has ever happened to me. There is a total lack of negativity.

The closest I have ever come to this was when I was a teenager and I didn’t have a boyfriend and I spent quiet evenings and weekends home alone with my parents and just luxuriated in the very simple things of life. I always found boyfriends to be very bothersome. I thought I ought to have one, but I usually broke up with them quickly, not being able to do the relationship well at all and feeling a huge relief after I had broken up with them. If it had not been so expected by my environment, I might never have gotten married at all and just have stayed an old maid. I probably would have been happier.

Well, I can certainly be an old maid now, can’t I, Yippee! No need to go out and do anything conventional. Nobody is expecting anything from me now. I don’t have to dance the polonaise, as they say here.

Well, now I’m off to do some ironing and scrub the kitchen sink and maybe wash a window or two, if I am so inclined. There is nothing like getting a little aggressive with a bit of scouring powder in a dirty kitchen sink.

Ciao y’all…

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I am alone. I am sitting here as a single, solitary, living by myself, independent woman and it agrees with me very well. I am the mistress of my domain and putter around in it with a purpose and make all things my own by touching and clearing up and rearranging. I feel a great deal of sense of ownership and independence and right of existing and autonomy. I decide how things are and how they are done and if something is done a certain way or not at all or if it gets tossed in the trash or saved. My, it just goes to my head. What a pleasure that is. I didn’t know it would agree with me that well.

Today I decided to clean up that nice white bookcase of Ikea that we have and that attracts dirt and dust like a magnet. While I was at it, I also took out all the books that belonged to Eduard and boxed them, leaving me with several open squares to arrange other things in. I also rearranged all of my own books in no specific order, just in a way that I can find them. I also found out that there is mildew on the wall behind the bookcase, but if you run fast, you don’t see it, so I had to camouflage that a bit. It was a tough but fun job.

I wanted to do the same thing in the kitchen, but I had no boxes left and I will just have to make a list of things that can go and just do a general good cleaning. I know I need to tackle the woodwork and the window and clean the refrigerator. I suppose I will share some of the magnets with Eduard, since he bought some of them. I’ll let him have those. I am so kind hearted and willing to share. Mmm…

Jesker doesn’t want to eat his regular food, so I fix him special treats. He never wants to eat when Eduard is not home and now, of course, he is waiting for naught. I gave him breakfast bread with diet margarine, which is good for what ails you. He liked that. He will sleep beside me tonight on his pillow beside the bed.

Speaking of sleeping…I have been sleeping without my sleeping pills and doing a better job of it and tonight I have already very optimistically set my alarm clock for 7 AM. I am going to drink hot milk with honey before I go to sleep, whenever that is. I can decide that for myself also.

I don’t do a lot of blog surfing and the Google reader is fooling me, telling me there are no updates for anyone when there are many. So, I am still playing catch up, people. You hard working writers and other artists. If I haven’t been by to comment, know that in my heart I am thinking of you and i will get there soon.

The Netherlands beat France in tonight’s game, but I slept through most of it and I am unsure of the score. I think it is 4-1, but I may be mistaken. It is sacrilege to sleep through a game like that, but the sofa was very comfortable. I am not a proud enough Orange fan, apparently. I ought to be shot at dawn after I am made to sing the national anthem, which words I always forget.

Oh, I know I am going to be doing a spring cleaning, I can feel it in my bones, but I do worry about the windows, because I can never get them as clean as I would like them. Not a proper Dutch housewife at all! I need to get down on my knees and scrub the floors, I know that and I have creaky knees, so I have to decide if I am willing to make the sacrifice for really clean floors. Mmm…

I ordered a NO/NO sticker for on my mailbox so nobody will put any unaddressed junk mail and free newspapers and fliers in my mailbox anymore. That should cut down on the amount of wastepaper that I accumulate every month and that needs to be put at the curb to be picked up. I do think that is such a total waste of cutting down good trees, leaving me with boxes full of paper to haul around. I don’t read a newspaper, because it is too expensive and I can read one on line and watch the news on TV. That should do. I have to think of all these economical and ecological ways to be smart.

Well, I am starting to yawn, which is a good sign to shut things down and get ready for bed. All alone in my bed surrounded by the cats and my loyal dog. Got to make sure the back door is locked.

Have yourself a good rest of the day and I hope your day was as good as mine has been. I can’t help it, it just has been a good day.

Oh, and by the way, the new chair from Ikea looks really nice and I am glad that Eduard was nice enough to go pick it up for me. The cats take turns sleeping in it.

Ciao…

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In my dreams.

I grieve in my dreams. I wake up and I know that I’ve spent the night dreaming about the situation I am in, but that I have been crying about it and that in my dreams everything is quite sad and traumatic and not at all the way it is during the day when things are so positive and upbeat. I wake up and try to remember if something bad has happened the night before I went to sleep, but then I realize that nothing has, that it is only in my sleep that the trauma has occurred and that in fact everything in real life is okay. I think this is a very clever way for my mind to deal with the break up of my marriage, allowing me the opportunity to grieve while I sleep and letting me be positive and hopeful while I am awake, because there is not one doubt in my mind that I am doing the right thing. In fact, each day I am more convinced that I am.

You should hear Eduard and me discuss our divorce. We sound so mature and practical and so full of common sense. We can talk about any aspect of it without getting the least bit upset and we always figure out a way between the two of us to resolve some issue. I think it is because we are genuinely nice people, who don’t bear any grudges and who both have the same goal in mind and that is a peaceful divorce.

I think that when we get to the divorce mediator, we will have things settled very quickly. There are some formalities that she needs to help us with, but the main division of goods has been done by us. She needs to help us with out finances and how to divide that honestly and file for our divorce in court. It can be done in no time at all.

Eduard is going to look into renting a place in Belgium just over the border where there are no waiting lists for housing. Lots of people live just across the border and the commute is very easy and can be done by bike. It would mean that he can move out a lot sooner than having to wait for a place here, while still be on the waiting lists here. I think he is looking forward to moving out and having his own space and his own life, just the same as me.

Yesterday Eduard organized all of our paperwork having to do with just about everything, so that I will always be able to find anything at all. I still need to organize my own personal papers in a folder, but I will have that done in a jiffy. We didn’t have a very good filing system before and it was slightly unorganized.

I have been finding a lot of joy in taking Jesker for his walks. I take him four times a day now, taking him at 10 PM also when it is still light outside. We have a nice round that we make and that we can expand if I think his legs can handle it. Sometimes he is a little shaky and then we keep it short. It is a very relaxing form of exercise and allows me to have a good look around at all the gardens and the people we meet along the way. Pretty soon there will not be an Eduard here to take him for his night time walk, so I figure I may as well get used to doing it now.

You wouldn’t believe how green and bountiful everything is and in how such short amount of time the dark bare earth has been covered by a carpet of a multitude of flowering plants. Abondanza! It’s pretty incredible and never ceases to amaze me. The hedges especially always surprise me and it is good to see so many of them are still planted and that there are areas where wild flowers are allowed to teem. Very beautiful! You really need to be out walking a dog to see and appreciate all of this.

I am being distracted by the music I am listening to, I feel myself get caught up in the words and then I stop typing. Sometimes it’s a song that I haven’t heard yet, because I’ve got the MP3 player set on random play and there is a lot of music that I’ve just downloaded. It’s nice to be distracted by music, to have a soundtrack to live your life by. I really, really need an iPod Classic. I think it has 80 GB’s of space and the possibilities would be endless.

Well, that’s it for me for now. I’ve got to go and look up some more music in the library catalog. I must fill one more 1GB MP3 player.

Have a terrific Monday everyone, slay many old ladies and save many dragons and eat the peas that the princesses lay on.

Ciao…

Here is a quote I borrowed from The Artful Eye. I thought it was highly appropriate.

“Remember that the best relationship is the one where your love for each other is greater than your need for
each other”

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Photographs

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