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Posts Tagged ‘job’

On a whim I’ve signed up with Twitter, because I read about someone else doing it. The problem is that I don’t personally know of anyone else who is signed up also, so it is kind of lonely out there. If you want to sign up and you are looking for me, my user name is ‘brightandsunny’. You know how impulsive I get and how I always want to try something new and hope that I will get some sort of thrill out of it. You didn’t know that about me maybe? That I am secretly a thrill seeker? In the very small sense of the word, of course. i only do it if the outcome is safe. That’s something I have learned as i’ve gotten older, to not take the really big risks.

Something is going on with my mood and it has been happening since Wednesday morning. I feel a decided slant of disagreeability sneaking in. I feel like arguing and there is an amount of negativity in there also. I am not so thrilled anymore with things and maybe that is why I joined Twitter, but who knows? I am negative about things that I was positive about before and doubtful about things I was sure of before and the thing is, that I know that I am not having a change of mind, but a change of mood and I have to be careful not to confuse the two and I have to not make any important decisions when my mood is negative like this, that’s the main thing to remember.

I think I am getting a bit dysphoric, meaning: a state of dissatisfaction, anxiety, restlessness, or fidgeting.

You will remember that I have had these sort of moods in the past, though I must emphasize that the restlessnes and fidgeting play no role here at all and the anxiety is at a minimum. I am just disagreeable to the point of being rude. I feel like being rude and disagreeable and not giving a damn.  Like that is perfectly okay. Can you think of a better place to exhibit such behavior than on the Internet? Instantaneous gratification.

I have not heard anything from my daughetr yet, but assume that all is well. She had told me that if possible, she would get hold of her father, who lives in Oregon, but it turns out that I don’t have the correct phone numbers for him. So I am going to call her again later today, although I have not much hope of getting hold of her. I wil watch the live broadcast again later this afternoon, even though it is pretty meaningless and doesn’t help me a lot personally. It does give me a general idea of how things are there.

The sun is shining today, but it is very deceptive, because it is cold outside and fall has really begun now. I were a sweater under my jeans jacket and I am postponing wearing my wintercoat, which is not much thicker. I may have to invest in a warmer winter coat with good pockets for all the stuff I always carry with me. House and bike keys, kleenexes, poop baggies, odd change, mobile phone, my wallet if it will fit. I’d like to go through life without a purse, if at all possible, but sometimes I don’t manage that. My purse always slides off my shoulder and I feel like such an old lady clutching it in my hands.

There must have been some mix up somewhere and I got an invitation from the center for work and income to apply for a job as hostess at a healthclub answering phones, receiving customers, serving drinks, and answering questions about memberships. I am sure they were thinking of the wrong person and, besides, I am not to apply for any kind of job until January, when I enter into some sort of program to get back into the labor force after having been out of it for a very long time and also with special aid as a psychiatric patient entering the labor force again. I emailed back stating as much and have not heard anything since then.

When In Babylon, do not act like the Babylonians and do confusing and irrational things.

My dear and most true Überhund is bored and he translates this into meaning that he must want to go out, although it is not time to, but to make his life bearable, I will now take him for a short spin around the block, so I will see you in a while.

Well, it turned into a long spin around the blog and I am always secretly proud that the Überhund stays on the narrow sidewalk by the busy street and never wanders into the traffic, even though I don’t shorten his leash. He does know where the sidewalk ends. Also, some gentle tugs and one command from me get him going in the right direction, so he is full of goodwill. I think that tug of war that we had at the beginning, when the Exfactor had just moved out, was won by me.

I am now using the Google reader again to stay updated on the latest blogs, after I had developed a problem with it, which is now solved. It does save you a lot of senseless clicking around. I am going to add some new blogs to my blogroll, I will try and remember to do that after I have finished this. I find blogs of note does not always give you such very good blogs, but sometimes there is something there that is interesting.  I am still waiting to show up there myself one of these days. I am not humble, am I?

I have put a bandage around my arm where I had those two scabs that I kept bothering and even now it’s hard not to mess with them. I want to scratch them when I exchange the bandage, but the little wounds are healing. The Exfactor had an enormous scab on his knee that had to be dissolved with some special plaster, because there was an infection underneath it. I would have had a field day with that one. I don’t know how he could stand not picking it off.

Well, now I am going to try once again to figure out that famous widget of the Black Box that everyone is so lyrical about. I could not get it to work on  WordPress, but maybe there is a way I can do it after all. I am nothing else if not stubborn. WordPress does have it’s limitations, which makes me sometimes long for blogger and I have to give it a long hard think about what I want to do, maybe switch back again?  We”ll see.

Have yourself a good Sunday.

Ciao…

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I was so tired yesterday that I could hardly find the energy to take the Uberhund out for his last walk. I felt that I had done so much work in the past week that I had no spare energy left to even do a simple job as that and even my body was protesting, because it had done all that bike riding from here to there to eternity and back.

Yesterday I had my final talk with my contact person about the fate of my welfare payment and I had to show him all the documents I had been collecting over the week before that. Everything went very well actually, although the meeting itself exhausted me with all of its details and I nearly collapsed under the weight of them towards the end. I will not hear the final outcome of the decision for another week or two, although chances are in my favor and I have to behave as if I will get it and proceed from there and apply for my different subsidies, which I started to do yesterday. These are subsidies for rent and health insurance which are very important and can make or break the budget.

There are some other subsidies which I will apply for, such as a partial return for Internet payment and a relief of payment of city taxes. There is also a cheaper health insurance I can apply for that is especially for people on welfare, but I need to look into that some more. What happens when you find part time work, as they have me down to eventually work 20 hours a week?

Anyway, lots to do yet. There has been so much running around and care for detail, that by yesterday evening I was just worn out. I was so tired, that I found it hard to go to sleep and at one point found myself behind the computer writing my daughter an email with lots of spelling mistakes and nodding off while doing so. In the end, I went to bed end slept a few hours, but not nearly enough. My daughter will think I was drunk while I typed that email. I was, drunk with sleep.

I imagine people who have full time jobs feel this way constantly and I don’t envy them one bit, because it is awful to feel that exhausted. I don’t see the satisfaction in it at all of a job well done and the good old tiredness that follows. I thought it had more sort of a nightmarish quality with no time to rest properly and come to your senses. I find the emotional strain to high, but then again, I am not used to much.

It is good to come home to the peace and quiet of the apartment and the animals. The Uberhund who excitedly greets me at the door with one of the minion cats beside him. She is always there also. And then the conversation I have with the animals about if they’ve all been good and if anything happened while I was away, and they look at me and sort of agree and go along with whatever I say and follow me to the kitchen, where the Uberhund will get a treat and the minion cat a drop of milk. That’s how we do things around here.

Now, I have deserved a big two pad mug of coffee, so I am having one of those. I think it was Babaloo who said not to forget to treat myself every once in a while. So, here’s to you, Babaloo!

I said to my SPN, “It’s a big secret, and I don’t want you to go around telling everybody about it, but I am actually quite happy.” I said, “It’s nobody’s business how I am doing, let them believe what they will, but you and I will know that I am doing really well.”

I think she is still waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it may not drop at all, or maybe it already dropped a while back and it isn’t going to now. Only time will tell.

Well, I’ve told you enough for now. I am going to sit and contemplate my navel for a while. This morning I have ergo-therapy and I am more than ready for it. But first some quiet contemplation and then I have to decide what I am going to wear, yippee!

Have a really good day.

Ciao…

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So, I’ve done my satisfying first round of my favorite bloggers and got to read and see some nice things. It is always a good way to start the day. I read some great answers to some curious memes. You do get to know people a little bit better that way. By the way a meme just means Me Me! It’s all about Me! It’s not some exotic French word, like I thought it was.

Yesterday was an exhausting day and that was because I was ultra rapid cycling all day long, which would not have been half as bad if in all of those moods I had realized that that was what was happening to me. Unfortunately, while I was bouncing from one extreme to another, all sense of reason left me and I could only react with a certain amount of panic at what was happening to me.

When I hit rock bottom the first time, I contacted my psychiatrist and asked him if he could please see me as soon as possible. Luckily, he had a spot open at 4:30 in the afternoon, unluckily for me, it was still morning. After having been at rock bottom for three hours, I slept for an hour and woke up feeling fine and was okay again. That lasted for about three hours and then I hit rock bottom again, so when I went to see my psychiatrist, I was crying my eyes out. I was crying on my bicycle on the way over, while, luckily, Eduard accompanied me, but then waited in the waiting room for me.

Within a half hour’s time I managed to tell him that this had been happening since September the 17th and that I didn’t know what had started it, except that I had been up then for two nights in a row, and that it had gotten worse since I had found out about Eduard’s love affair. That each mood seemed to last for about three to four hours and that it often changed after I had slept some. We talked about Eduard and his love and we talked about how I dealt with my mood changes. I told him how it was impossible for me to remember any other kind of mood once I was in one certain kind of mood. In other words, once I hit rock bottom, I can’t remember what it is like to feel happy anymore. And once I have climbed out of it and feel fine again, I forget what it feels like to be at rock bottom. I am completely one thing or the other.

He said that it was very important for me to remember that every mood had a beginning and an ending, that this was exactly what would save me. To not give in to the despair, but to try and remember that the ending would come within three hours time. But that’s very difficult when you are at your whits end and you feel like you need to be committed to the hospital. I felt very frustrated when I thought he didn’t understand me at first, but it turned out that he did and that we weren’t talking at cross purposes.

He only had a half hour to spend with me, but we got some work done in that time and one of the things he did is increase my dosage of Topamax, since this is my mood stabilizer, from 100 mg to 150 mg. Since I react to it quickly, he thinks we will see some improvement there soon, as it will keep me from swinging from one mood to another. It can be increased some more if need be. He wants me to try and keep the Oxazepam as low as I can, so really only take it when I need it and not just take it because I think it is time to.

I am seeing him again on Monday at five o’clock, when he will have an hour to spend with me. That will be good, because we haven’t sat down and talked for a long time and he needs to be updated on where I am in my life now and how well things had been going with me until recently. It’s a good thing that I have kept a little diary with all of my daily ratings. It is easy to look back and see how I have been doing these past eight months. Which has been mostly good. I was a bit hypo manic in the springtime and a bit religiously mad, which I have completely been cured off, although I must say that, when I was at my utmost lowest yesterday, I prayed to God to please help me.

By the time we got home again, I felt a bit better for having talked to my psychiatrist and seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I did feel very exhausted and took a nap on the sofa and when I woke up, I felt fine. I took my night time medications early, because I wanted the Topamax to start working, but I waited with my sleep medication until I thought I would go to sleep properly. Then I hung out with Eduard for a while and made myself some hot chocolate, which was delicious. Eduard and I talked about things a little bit and I do feel for him, because it must be upsetting for him too to see me in such a state and it isn’t very pleasant for me either to have him see me like that. So, I feel that I have to normalize things as quickly as possible.

At about ten o’clock, I fell asleep again on the sofa, without having taken my sleep medication and I woke up there in the middle of the night with the yellow blanket over me and Nouri and Gandhi next to me. I thought I might still take my sleep medication, but then decided against it and stayed up instead and visited blogs and drank coffee and smoked cigarettes. I haven’t taken an Oxazepam yet and I won’t unless I really feel that I need one. I feel amazingly good now. I would easily rate myself with a seven now and I don’t feel any of the sadness that I felt yesterday. I hope that I can stay in this mood and that there is no other mood waiting for me and I am going to take my morning medication on time also, so I will really get the benefit of it early. Knowing that my Topamax has been increased and knowing that I am going to see my psychiatrist again helps me. I feel that I am not fighting this all on my own.

For those of you who are bored with these psychiatric exertions, you have to remember that a large reason for writing this blog is to discuss the Bipolar Disorder and all the complications that come with it and the medications. I am trying to reach other people who may be going through similar situations or who know people who are going through similar situations. I think that what I have been doing is actually called ultra ultra rapid cycling, in that I rapid cycle on a daily basis, but that is such a mouth full, that I will just call it ultra rapid cycling. I pray to the God that I almost do not believe in, that I will not go through it today again.

I am supposed to go to the job market today at 10 am. I don’t know if I am going to make it, because I am also supposed to have a resume that I can hand out and I don’t have one ready. I had planned to do that yesterday and, of course, that didn’t quite work out. So, I don’t know wha
t to do now, as making a resume is quite a hard job in my case, as I have to organize all sorts of incoherent information into something meaningful. We’ll see. I don’t think I am quite up to the job yet. I plead madness.

I think I am going to take all of my medication now and also take an Oxazepam as I feel that I am ready for one now. I am beginning to feel the first twinges of stress, doubtless that is from talking about the job market and not being ready for it. I am feeling a little bit screwed up.

It’s been nice chatting like this with all of you. One sided chatting, but still…Have a wonderful day, keep a stiff upper lip and all that, talk to you soon. Ciao…

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Much to my surprise, a Nice Matters Award has been bestowed on me by Rotten Correspondent of Confessions of a Rotten Correspondent for reasons that are only a little bit clear to me, but apparently have to do with being nice and kind, having a good blog and leaving good comments. Oh well, it makes me blush to think about it. I am very proud of it, as I have never gotten an award in the blogging world before.

As a courtesy I am to pass this award on to three people whom I think are especially deserving of it and I don’t have to think long about who those people are. They are Frances from Carpet Full of Holes, Bobbie from Great Grannie Blog and Rima from MaraZine. These women have not only very interesting blogs, but are especially supportive in their comments and are always ready to help out if the need arises, so a big applause to them. They, in turn can pass on the award to someone they find deserves it. I have downloaded the picture of the award on my blog, but I see that it is a little squished, so you may want to download it from Rotten Correspondent to put on your own blog.

I have also be tagged by Laurie from Three Dog Blog for the name meme. That means I have to come up with traits that start with the first letters that make up my first name, Irene. So, I will have to think long and hard about this and think of some really good traits and if I can’t think of any good ones, I will write down the lesser ones instead.

So here we go:

  1. I – Important, because I always think that what I have to say is of importance, as if I hold the key to all things wise and I always feel that I have to put my two cents worth in.
  2. R – Rational, because I would hate to think of myself as being the opposite, irrational, because that is a big fear I have, to be thought of as an irrational person.
  3. E – Empathic, in that I feel that I will always try to understand the feelings and attitudes of another human being.
  4. N – No Nonsense, that means just that. Don’t fool around with me, tell me the story straight and no bull****.
  5. E – Embarrassed, for having confessed all of the above and making myself sound so important, which brings me back to the first letter.

I, in turn, tag the three ladies that I have also given the Nice Matters Award to, So Frances, Bobbie and Rima, it is your turn now. If you don’t want to do your first name, it is alright to do your middle name as well. If Frances has a shorter middle name, that may be advantageous to her, for instance. Remember to pass on the meme to some other people as well.

Well, what a busy and exciting way to start the morning. I have barely had my second cup of coffee and already I am carrying out quite difficult instructions for such a sleepy headed person. Luckily, I got enough sleep, so I felt quite refreshed when I woke up this morning at 5 am. I saw that I had eaten my crackers, but that I had not drank my milk, so it is back in the refrigerator with that glass until tonight when I’ll try it again. It is the kind of milk that doesn’t spoil, so don’t worry, I’ll not get food poisoning or something awful like that.

Yesterday was a humongous lazy day. I barely cleaned the apartment and didn’t feel bad for it at all. I should have vacuumed and the vacuum cleaner was calling me from its place in the broom closet, but I managed to ignore its pleading cries. I thought Eduard and I might have gone into town to hang out at the book store, but he had an extra training session for some of his volunteers and was gone for a good long time, because he also did the grocery shopping and the library pit stop. So, when he got home, all he wanted to do was watch the Formula One racing training, which was okay, because by that time I was sound asleep on the sofa and I didn’t even hear him come home.

These naps sort of attack me out of the blue, I start to watch a film and then only see the first ten minutes of it. I have been trying to watch the same film three times now and every time I fall asleep and I don’t think its the film’s fault. It’s just me not managing to keep my eyes open. I notice that the same things happens to Eduard when he sits in his comfortable chair. He starts to watch something interesting and suddenly he gets very quiet and I look over and see that he has fallen asleep. Hum, it must be middle age that causes it. Or it’s something in the water. Of course, we live in the south of the country and that means that we are like all southerners and we need to have our siestas. That’s probably it! Gee, I hadn’t thought of that before.

So, what did I do all day long? Well, I hung out behind the computer and read other people’s blogs and left comments, which I hoped were supportive and witty, whichever was needed. I finished organizing my images files and now have everything in very easy to access order and in separate files for different time periods, otherwise they become to big and I spend forever looking for an image. I threw away things that I thought were really crappy, I do have higher standards now than when I first started. I added another feature, but you’ve already noticed that and I like the off center image and the subsequent pattern I get from it.

So, I have some work to do there in changing the patterns in all the series of images. That will take me the better part of a day to do. But I don’t mind and I am such an organizer that it is almost obsessive and I have to watch myself for signs of social withdrawal and such. Glazed over eyes, open mouth, non comprehending look on face. These are all signs that I am about to go off to lala land and I may never return and become totally fixated on the order of things and having to do just one more thing and then all will be right with the world. Talk about having things under control! Jeez! Me thinks I do get a little crazy sometimes!

All kidding aside folks. I want to get this stuff organized before I have my next appointment with the temp agency, as I now have been officially informed by social services that I am in the program and they are going to spend their money on me to get me a training and the accompaniment that I need with getting a job. I am very glad that they see the potential in me in spite of my age and in
spite of my lack of education. I must have made a good enough impression on them and I am happy for that. So, pretty soon I will have less time to spend with leisure activities and I will really have to become more organized than I am now, when I can just take my time and be my own boss as to how I fill in that time.

I very much would like to keep my mornings the way they are now, but it may not be possible, because I do take a large chunk of time out writing this bog and reading other people’s blogs. Most likely, I will have to forgo that pleasure and just find time to get dressed and made up properly and have enough coffee and cigarettes to last me the rest of the day. And I do hope that there will be a smoking room or something wherever I end up.

I do so appreciate airports that have smoking lounges for their passengers who have just been on a long flight without a cigarette. You have no idea how nice it is to walk into a smoke filled space and light up after not having been able to smoke for eight hours. Your whole body screams for nicotine and it is wonderful to inhale. Some airports don’t have that facility and it is almost impossible to find your way outside, because of the size of them and all the security measures, like New York for instance, where I sat and waited for five hours without a cigarette between two long flights. It’s a shame that smoke bashing takes on the form of not even giving people the chance to light up after they have not been able to on a long flight, when they so very clearly need just that one cigarette to feel better. Have some compassion for the smokers who only want to pollute their own air, people, and who may be a bundle of nerves anyway after flying on a long international flight and having had to go through all the security measures and the indignities there off.

Another high horse I get onto. Smoke bashing seems to be such a sport, as it attacks not the behavior, but the character of the smoker and makes them feel as if they are evil people on par with big criminals. It is possible to love and like a smoker, after all.

Today is my nephew’s birthday and I am already looking forward to having a piece of very good fresh fruit vlaai with a very good cup of espresso. My sister always orders her vlaai at the Noblesse bakery and they do a terrific job. Her in laws are going to be there too and a nice time will be had, and hopefully my nephew will be happy with the card and the money we are giving him. Eduard has to leave early for a drinks party for all the employees at his work and I am not invited, nor are other spouses or girlfriends and other better halves. I don’t know what to think of that. I would seem like a perfect opportunity to do some very good team spirit building, but then again, maybe they don’t feel they need that. What is the value of a spouse anyway? What does he/she add to the company and to the employee? It would have been a nice goodwill gesture anyway.

I am not going to make any empty promises about what I will do today, but Eduard and I will change the sheets on the bed, that is a ritual we won’t forgo. Then it will be extra special to go to bed tonight, which it isn’t really now anyway. Oh bed, who can be bothered? I may do several loads of laundry and if the weather stays nice, I may dry them outside. I may or may not vacuum, I’ll see how bad things really are. I will clean up the kitchen, but that is something I will always do, unless I am so depressed that I am comatose. And I will walk the dog, because that is still a pleasure. It gets me out of the house and into the fresh air.

Okay people, time to get the show on the road, although there is not a living creature stirring here. Everything and everybody is asleep still. Nevertheless, I will get going. Sundays are always our ritual days and I do want to prepare myself properly for that.

Have a really great day, enjoy your morning cup of coffee, ciao…

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It’s fairly early in the morning and I haven’t quite had enough sleep yet, but I am up nevertheless. I am working on my second cup of coffee and I am waiting for it to do its magic, so I will truly wake up. We went to bed rather late last night and I thought I might sleep in just a bit, but no such thing. I woke up at 3 am, and that was it for me. Now I am sitting here yawning, so you may say to yourself, “Go back to bed, Irene,” but that is really not where I belong. I really do belong here behind the computer with my coffee and my cigarettes. Parts of me are awake, other parts will be shortly. All it will take is just a few more cups of coffee and just a few more cigarettes. On top of that, I’m plugged up and I don’t know why, because nothing bad has passed these lips, I have been a good girl. Three bags of tortilla chips were eaten last night and I didn’t have a single one of them! Such powers of control! Such self sacrifice! Such drooling on my part!

Being 53 is very special. I feel like I have achieved something akin to a great milestone in a woman’s life. Like I have made a major discovery, or have landed on the moon, or have discovered the cure for an incurable disease. That’s how major this birthday feels to me. There should be throngs of people outside the apartment building and photographers and news crews and people asking me, “Well Irene, how does sit feel to have achieved this major milestone in your life?” And I would answer, “Excuse me while I pin on this medal in honor of my fine achievement. I will answer all of your questions at the press conference tonight.”

All kidding aside, but just briefly, I want to say, “I can’t believe I’ve made it!” I am here all in one piece, with my mind and body intact and all of my faculties working and I’ve come out better than I thought was possible. I’m a living, breathing, functioning human being and more than that, I am alive! I have climbed out of the deepest, darkest bottomless pit and I am standing here in the sunshine again and I figure I have 30 years of living ahead of me. How’s that for a miracle? Jokingly I may add, that that is no small potatoes and quite an achievement for a girl who didn’t feel like her life was worth living on several occasions. Who added the deed to the word and tried to top herself. No Ma’am, that’s not bad at all!

So, this 53rd birthday is one that I am going to look back on with a great deal of fondness, because it is the first time in seven years that I have celebrated my birthday. And I think that this 53rd year will be a very good year.

Now I hear the sound of a violin orchestra in the background playing very gentle but uplifting music and a voice starts singing jubilantly about what a very good year it is going to be. Just like in a TV commercial, and me radiant in a field of flowers with the gentle summer wind catching my flowing skirt, smiling, glowing face in the sun, staring into the future with a look of confidence on my face and a look of hopefulness in my eyes. End with a spectacular sunset. Voice over, “Yes, you to can be like this happy, fulfilled, middle aged woman. Try all of our pharmaceutical products and you will have a good year too.”

No kidding aside now, folks, I really am glad to have made it and I really thank the pharmaceutical companies for making it possible, them and my psychiatrist for not giving up on me and Eduard for not kicking me out of the house.

Well, I think all the parts of me are awake now, all that coffee is doing its job.

Actually, yesterday was a very good day. I had that interview with the lady from the temp agency and I think I made a good impression and that they are willing to take me into their project. They will let social services know their decision and the whole ball will start rolling next week. I will be officially in the project then and they will have to find me a job/training within 4 moths time. This is to gain work experience and to learn different computer systems. In the meantime they will help me with getting a permanent job within a year’s time. They help you with such things as putting a proper resume together and writing job application letters and they help you match you up for the right jobs that they have on file there. There is a weekly get together with your case worker who keeps a close eye on you and your progress. It all sounds very promising and I can’t wait to get started, as long as they don’t place me in a care home for the elderly or something like that. I would really feel like I was wasting my time then.

Afterwards I went and had coffee with Eduard at his work and said to him, isn’t your company looking for job/training people who have to learn the ropes and who will work for free to gain work experience for 4 months? A light started burning in his eyes and he said that he would discuss it with his director and his office manager, so there is a possibility there. The office work there is very diverse and I would learn to do all sorts of things and it would look good on my resume. His office manager is out of the office right now having some surgery done, but the director said he would discuss it with her as soon as possible, so keep your fingers crossed.

In the afternoon, I cleaned house. This included washing all the wineglasses and the good cups and saucers and vacuuming the whole place and cleaning the bathroom and moving chairs around for people to sit in. I was interrupted in this by my niece and nephew who brought me a big bouquet of white flowers very artfully arranged and ready to be put in a vase without me massing with it. My niece then searched through my artwork and found a nice painting that she wanted for her room and we found a brand new frame to go with it, so she was happy. I didn’t show them any of the stuff I am doing now, because I had the computer turned of and I just couldn’t be bothered, because I had so much left to do, so I promised I would show them another day when I had the time. They also wanted to read my winning poem, so that was another promise I made them.

I still had the vacuum cleaner laying right in the middle of the living room and all the rooms still had to be mopped and I was starting to show signs of stress, quite badly as a matter of fact. Luckily Eduard was home then and he told me to take an Oxazepam and to sit and wait for that to start working, while he mopped the floors where I had already vacuumed. For a while there I thought I was going to have a bit of a nervous breakdown, but then the feeling passed and the Oxazepam worked and I was okay again. I moved the large scratching post for the cats to a completely different place in the hope that they will
find it interesting again, as they seem bored with it now. Sometimes I don’t handle a whole bunch of things happening all at once all that well, especially lately, therefor the Oxazepam, which thank goodness I have now. I can’t even handle Eduard telling me an ordinary thing, I think I will fall apart if he tells me and he has to stop talking to me and not say anything.

Anyway, the apartment got cleaned up well enough and we had ample room left before our guests arrived and when they did, all of my stress was gone and I could enjoy the evening. I got some lovely gifts, including three large bath towels for which I had asked. My sister’s article of clothing that she had ordered for me did not arrive on time, even though she had been tracking its progress via the Internet, so it will probably get here today. I can’t wait! So tonight we are having 7 more people over and that should be equally fun and we will have to get more supplies today, as the cheeses and the tortilla chips and the salsa dips have all but disappeared. We still have stuffed olives and guacamole dip and some wine. Oh, and coca cola, that would be good to have right now, as I am very thirsty!

Of course, today I don’t have all of that housecleaning to do, I’ll drag the vacuum cleaner out one more time, for the odd bits here and there and do the dishes and I promised Eduard that I would finally iron his T-shirts. Our friend Joost is arriving this afternoon, so we have to pump up the air mattress to put up in the work room. In the meantime all I have to do is take the Oxazepam and stay relaxed and enjoy myself.

Now you people, I am going to end this epistle and sit and stare into the middle distance for awhile and I may even contemplate my navel for a bit. I feel like having an empty head for just a little while. I am such a delicate creature that even the fun times will upset my tenderly wrought balance. If I don’t comment today, it is not because I don’t love you all, it is because my head is in another sphere.

Have a wonderful day, be good, be B.A.D. don’t be S.A.D. just be happy. Ciao…

P.S. After I wrote this, I laid down on the sofa and slept for four more hours. Shows you how wide awake I really was!

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Firstly, before I do anything else, I want to refer you to the website of Sue O’Kieffe that is called Sacred Circle Mandalas and you will see there how a great mandala is truly made. She is the master of mandala making. I have a lot to learn and she is a great inspiration to me always. Hats off to you Sue, for doing a magnificent job all the time and for knowing how to use the Photoshop software really well and understanding the different applications so well. You have a masterly hand and brain.

The mandalas of the peaches that I am posting here, I am less happy with than the mandalas of the oranges that I posted yesterday, but I said that I would post all of my efforts, including the ones that turned out not as well as I would have liked them to. Or maybe it is just a question of personal taste and you will find these just fine. The image to start with was not that inspiring, just three peaches laying there bunched together without much other color in them. I realize now that I could have added a different color border, but I think I was trying to see what would happen if I just let the color of the peaches do their work. They did have a bit of green leaf, but not much. Anyway, you be the judge of them and tell me what you think off them.

I have had some new visitors to my blog and it is always a lot of fun to see new names pop up in the comments. Then, of course, I have to find out who they are and what their blogs are all about and that increases the fun even more. You find out that people have a diversity of hobbies and that all ages are interesting, but that the young mothers are especially endearing with their young brood and their enthusiasm for life. You hope that you convey some of that enthusiasm yourself still, beside the occasional cynicism.

Yesterday was another completely wasted day when you count it in terms of getting things done around the apartment. Eduard even commented on the fact that I didn’t seem to be taking my chores very seriously right now, to which I answered that all would get done before Friday night when I celebrate my birthday and I know I will go through this place like a whirlwind and have it cleaned up in no time at all. My motivation to clean things really well has been locked away in a box in my brain that is almost inaccessible to me right now. I know it is there and I will break it open on Friday afternoon and get everything done at the last minute and all will look spotless.

In the meantime, I sit here and am very happy that I feel such peace because of the Oxazepam and notice the difference when it has stopped working and I have to take the next pill and wait for it to start working again. I want to buy my psychiatrist a bouquet of flowers for writing me the prescription and allowing me to feel this peaceful and for shoving the unnameable stress and irrational irritation to some place in the far away nether regions. It is a joy to feel the tranquility that the medication brings and it is such a relief to function in this state of mind as opposed to the other one in which I am moody and unreasonable and panicky. I find myself to be able to open my heart to what is around me and to really enjoy those things and to appreciate them and to feel love for them. Other people may achieve this state of being by meditating, but I am glad I can take a shortcut and achieve it this way. And now, when I want to sit and contemplate my navel, I can really do that and achieve a peaceful feeling very quickly.

I didn’t wake up this morning until 5:30 am and I think that is pretty darn good. At least I am starting to sleep like a normal human being. I went to be at 10 pm and was out like a light in no time. So, I am sleeping more normal hours and I am happy about that. I do wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and I look at my watch and see that it is some ungodly hour like 1:30 am and I don’t even contemplate staying up. I go back to bed and don’t even remember pulling the duvet over me to go to sleep again. Sensibility is becoming my middle name, that and the fact that my legs seem to buckle under me when I try to walk and I feel like I am going to collapse on my way to and from the bathroom. I make a strange zig-zagging journey back to bed and sort of fall into it. I am avoiding bumping into furniture just yet, but only just yet. I do bounce off the walls.

I am always so happy when it is really morning and time to get up. When I check with myself and see that I am really and truly awake. Nowadays, the first thing I do is put on my bathrobe, because it is a little chilly in the morning and we still have the windows open on a crack. Then I turn on the computer and take my Oxazepam with a glass of water. Then I make a pot of coffee and while that is brewing, I make a cup of Senseo. By that time the computer is warmed up and I can check my emails and comments. Usually their are a bunch of comments that require a response from me and with my half sleepy head, I proceed to do that. I properly wake up after the first cup of Senseo and then proceed to drink the regular coffee. After a few cups of that, the Oxazepam also is working, and I can fully absorb all the information in other people’s blogs and I always start with my favorites, such as Frances’ and Neda’s and Rima’s and Debi’s. There are lots of other blogs I read, but I save them for later. First I have to see what my women are up to.

Imagine having to forgo this ritual when I have a job! I hope they offer me a part time job that starts in the afternoon so that I will keep waking up the way I do now. Of course, I am a morning person and it is when I would deliver my best work. So, to be fair to my future employer, I should start work in the morning. We’ll see, I may not have much choice in the matter at all and just have to take what they offer me. I think in the end that is how it will work out.

I’ve told you that I really don’t have the time to have a job, but that I need the money. I would be perfectly happy staying home, doing the things I am doing now. I am very seldom bored and very often feel that there are not enough hours in the day to do all the things I want to do. I don’t have enough time to read quality books and I don’t have enough time to watch quality films. Sadly, I don’t get paid for doing these pleasant things. I do get a monthly housewife allowance of a 156 Euros that is paid to me by the state for being a stay at home wife. That is to give women like me some pocket money, but we always end up spending it on tobacco. It’s a good initiative anyway. But I very rarely feel like I have dull days with nothing to do and nothing to fill my time. It helps that Eduard is home in the afternoons, of course, it makes for a nice break in the days. So, I actually already have a quite pleasant life.

But we do need the money, as the month is always a little too long for the paycheck we have. We nickel and dime everything to death and that causes Eduard some stress, so it would be
a very good thing if I also brought in some money. We have some debts that we need to clear up and that would make a lot of difference in our monthly financial burden. I don’t think I have any rich relatives that are going to leave me a legacy any time soon, so we have to face the reality. It would be a wonderful thing to pay those off. So, therefor, I really do need to get a job and I think that I mentally am in a good enough state to handle that now, where before I was very unsure about it.

It is almost unheard of anyway that both people in the marriage don’t work. It seems to be the rule rather than the exception. Even for couples our age. There was an item on the news last night that there were 20,000 after school care places needed for children whose parents both work. The government wants women back in the workforce, but is unable to provide the after school care that is needed and there are huge waiting list with the women generally being the victims of this problem in not being able to go to work properly and build up their careers. The government says that it had not anticipated this number of children needing after school care and had miscalculated it completely. Fathers just shrug their shoulders and carry on as usual, but it is the women that are left holding the bag.

Now, luckily, I don’t have that problem, but then again, I am not looking for a career. And when my children were growing up, I was just one of many women who stayed home and filled their time taking care of their kids and doing volunteer work. Sadly, that doesn’t prepare you for the real wold when your marriage doesn’t work out and you have to make it on your own and obtain some standard of living that you and your children are accustomed to. It was customary then to stay married, although I never knew if anyone was happily, it wasn’t discussed. Being married was our job, we just did it and received the benefits that came with it, social status and ease of living. We were living the American dream and felt ourselves to be privileged. Or so I thought.

It is nice to marry a man who can provide in your financial comfort and that of your children, but it is silly to put all your eggs in one basket. You can’t assume that you will live happily ever after, unless you are willing to go through live with blinders on and accept a lot that is unacceptable. Given optimal circumstances, it may be possible to pull it off, but that would be all that you were doing and that is not living happily ever after. Unless you don’t believe in that dream anyway. There is always an obstacle that you encounter, that suddenly makes it impossible to go on living your imaginary dream any longer and you must be prepared to take another course of action that is equally satisfying and rewarding.

Okay, I will stop preaching now, because I must take care of the animals. Eduard has already gone to work and Jesker is asleep on his pillow, no doubt waiting patiently for me to get done here and I don’t know where the cats are. None of them can be seen. They’ll suddenly appear when I get out their food dishes.

Here we go for another wonderful day in which I will probably accomplish very little, but in which I will feel good nevertheless and have my peace and tranquility all over the place. I forgot to go on the scales this morning, but yesterday I weighed 92.7 kilos, so not much is happening there. After having rated my days with fives and sixes for a while, I am now back up to sevens, and that is good and how it should be.

Have a great day, people, ciao…

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Well, I am suitably in the right mood to write something halfway sensible down now. It is rather late and I have been reading other people’s blogs and trying to leave witty comments and become inspired by their muses. Speaking of muses, Neda had an interesting post about them here.

I got up rather late this morning, it was six am, can you believe it? I slept from nine pm until that time this morning and I only got up once in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I just don’t know what is wrong with me. As a result, I am running behind in everything, even in the amounts of coffee I have had to drink, so I am quickly trying to catch up by fixing myself lots of cups of Senseo, which I was going to save and drink only for special occasions, like that first cup in the morning, but which I am now drinking more often than not, because I am hooked on the taste of it. Besides, I drink it because I’m worth it. I don’t know how many of you will agree with this statement, but I am completely convinced of it.

I think there are times in my life when I am self indulgent in the little things. I don’t need great big expensive things that cost huge amounts of money, but I like little treats like a good perfume to wear or a good cheese to snack on or a good cup of coffee. It’s these little things that make the day seem special and worth while. I like it especially when Eduard is the person who indulges me with them. When he is the person who comes home with the treats. It makes me feel loved and appreciated, although I never feel that I have to do anything special to deserve them. I get them for just being me and nothing more than that. Sort of for being the spoiled queen around here and Eduard is my well armored knight who goes out in the world to slay dragons and brings back trophies. I do like the way that works. Eduard would be my Saxon knight and I would be his lady in the ancient moated castle.

I suppose we may have been these people in a former life and I would like to think that Eduard and I knew each other in that capacity in the middle ages. Both of us in warm cloaks riding our trusty steeds across the moors on foggy winter mornings. Making love in an apple orchard surrounded by curious cows and buzzing bees on a summer’s day in June. Oh no, that really did happen. I am confusing my lives and my memories. I do like to think that I have always known Eduard and that I am always going to know him. All the way into eternity. He is my complementary soul.

I had an odd dream last night. I dreamed that I was with Brion and that we were staying at a big motel and that David showed up there looking for me. In my dream, I didn’t want to see him and I wanted to hide from him, so Brion and I walked to the inner part of the motel, which was like a labyrinth, until we came to a large room in which we could see all the constellations on the high ceiling. There we hid behind the furniture while David searched for us, but didn’t find us. Brion was very young and healthy and powerful and not scared of anything. I felt very safe with him. David traveled in a large car with his ex wife, whom he is living with now. He told her many lies about me and wanted to prove to her that I was as crazy as he had told her I was, but then couldn’t. He had told her the lies to cover up his own craziness, so she would stay with him and never leave him, which is what he wanted all along. I was just a pawn in that game. In my dream, I felt a real fear for him and absolutely did not want him to find me. That is the unconscious speaking, of course. It is probably close to the truth. I wonder about the constellations and if they represented the heavens where Brion is now. So much symbolism and I have to pay attention to it.

I like dreaming about Brion. I always feel very close to him when I do, as if he is very real to me and I can touch him and feel what that is like. I can feel his skin and the solidness of it. And see his beauty and he was a beautiful man. I am glad he goes on living inside of me.

Yesterday, I took two long naps on the sofa, In the morning I started watching An American Haunting, which was supposed to be a pretty scary movie, but I fell asleep after the first ten minutes and I didn’t wake up until after it was well finished and a completely different movie was playing. In the evening, after Eduard went to work, I fell asleep again and didn’t wake up until it was time to go to bed. So I just take my medicines and get the Melba Toast and a glass of milk and off I go to the bedroom, where I barely have time to eat the toast and drink the milk before I am sound asleep again. I seem to do a lot of sleeping, which must come with hibernation. I am not that physically active, yet I am feeling tired and sleepy all the time and I want to cuddle up all over the place.

On Friday, when it is my birthday, I have an appointment with the temp agency about the job/training program and I do want to be extra perky then. I wish I was more of a talker and I could sell myself better and I think I will bring the test results of my original tests that I did for the CWI. They say a lot about my abilities. I will have to dress nicely and look like a dynamic sort of person in spite of my age. Some well applied make up will help and some nice jewelry will also help a bit. Luckily, my hair has grown out a bit and I no longer look like a middle aged version of Sinnead O’Connor.

I can’t believe I am turning 53, but it doesn’t seem like such an awfully old age. It does sound very mature and it makes me feel like I have finally arrived at that age when I will be taken seriously. In my mind, I am still in my thirties and I suppose I will always stay there. I figure I have thirty good years left in me at least, and that is a long time to be alive and do all sorts of things yet. Life isn’t nearly over yet. God only knows what it holds in store for me yet, what is around the corner and what challenges I face still. As long as I get to have Eduard by my side, I am willing to face up to a lot.

Mostly I hope for sort of a dull roar with the occasional burst of excitement. It doesn’t have to be anything earth shattering. I think this blogging world is quite exciting and making the mandalas is and winning the poetry contest is (see below). Getting a job will add a lot of fun to the equation, not to speak of the financial reward. I certainly enjoy making these new virtual friends. It is just as good as making real life friends, if not better.

Well, I suppose I better get the day started now by cleaning up the kitchen and dragging out the vacuum cleaner. There are some drifts of dog hair again and the sofa needs to be vacuumed. Oh joy! My Oxazepam makes me feel so good, that I almost don’t want to interrupt my good mood with doing those mundane things. Well, I look at it this way, as long as by Friday the apartment i
s clean, then all will be well with the world. I will have done my duty.

Have a terrific day, people. Hope you get sunshine where you need it and rain where you need that. Ciao…

P.S. I had claimed in an earlier post that Eduard is 57. He is not, he is 56 and three and a half years older than I am. When we were dating as teenagers, this was not really a problem, as Eduard was a bit of a late bloomer, but he was an incredibly sweet young man who never took advantage of the fact that he was older than I was. We were both very much of the romantic kind and liked classical music and long walks in the woods and summer afternoons in the fields. We drank rosé and had philosophical discussions. As far as I was capable of having those with my young mind anyway. At the time, we were too young to appreciate each other’s uniqueness, but it is much better now that we have lived a lot and bring all of that experience to the relationship.

We have developed separate from each other, but have both developed a healthy dose of deadly humor and just the right amount of cynicism. We both turned out to be good people and Eduard was just as I had left him, a very decent and sweet human being, albeit a little disappointed with life. Hopefully he has gotten over that by now, as I have.

P.P.S. I have discovered another blog. It is called Wife in the North and you can find it here. She is quite funny and very English.

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