Posts Tagged ‘mental health’

In the Netherlands, religious holidays are always celebrated on Sunday and Monday, so today is also an official holiday and Eduard has the day off and all the stores and everything are closed. I should say that a religious holiday is celebrated for two days, so we have first and second Easter Day and first and second Christmas Day etc.

It is appreciated very much by the general population, of course, except that you always have to remember to do extra shopping, allowing for that extra day when all the shops are closed, besides them being closed on Sundays. I think in the States what we have now is called Pentecost, but I am not absolutely sure. It is Whitsun in England.

When I write England, I really mean Great Britain, Just like people say Holland when they really mean The Netherlands. Holland refers to just the two western provinces of South and North Holland. I guess it is the same as saying America when people really mean The United States of. Canada and Mexico are in North America too.

I guess it would be better if we were all more accurate, but people in the Netherlands really refer to their country as that, except for the Limburgers who mean everybody who does not come from Limburg when they say Hollanders. Then try to explain to them that you are not a Hollander when you come from some other region in the Netherlands. Somebody from the Northeast does not want to be referred to as a Hollander.

It is actually almost 5 AM and I slept from 9 PM last night. The only reason that I am up now is because I had to go to the toilet. That always wakes me up sufficiently to make me want to stay up and have my first mug of coffee and my first cigarette. It is one of the highlights of my day. I walk into the living room, turn on the lights, turn on the computer and walk into the kitchen to make my first mug of Senseo. When I am done doing that, the computer is ready and I am ready to blog.

Physically, I have all the symptoms of a depression. I am slow as a sloth and unmotivated and absentminded and uninterested in many things. My main occupations are sleeping, daydreaming and blogging, but I am not unhappy. I am just enormously slow and preoccupied with very unimportant things. Nothing really gets accomplished and I really don’t care. I am perfectly contend to just waste the whole day not accomplishing anything at all.

I would only start to worry if I got visions of doom to go with this, but I don’t have those. In my own way, I am perfectly happy, as long as no one expects anything out of the ordinary from me. A lot is out of the ordinary right now. It can mean many things, such as walking the dog at noontime in the hot sun and feeling that I have to drag my body through the warm day. What a bother. And doing yesterday’s dishes promptly in the morning, I’m just not up to it. The only thing I still don’t mind doing very much is the laundry. For some reason, that is still very satisfying.

Eduard has an outing planned for us today. It involves the motorcycle and riding into Belgium. The rest is a surprise. I hope it involves a lot of sitting down at café tables having cappuccinos. That’s what I would really like. I hope it doesn’t involve a lot of hiking, but knowing Eduard it is going to be strenuous, because he is in such good shape. I will wear my hiking boots, just in case and then I will tell you all about it tomorrow. With my bone weary body, which is going to get a nice massage then from the physiotherapist.

I have been sitting very crooked again and I think it is because I am not paying enough attention. I have a big pain in my right side from eternally leaning on the armrest of the office chair. I have to remember to sit on two buns and I keep forgetting. If I remember, I automatically sit straight. Once I am leaning on the armrest good, I have a heck of a time getting myself off it without it hurting. I move like an old injured woman.

Last night I dreamed that my ex, the republican, was working for Barack Obama and that he was begging him for a raise. Apparently I was still married to him, because we lived in a house of which the walls were covered in ivy, but that had no roof and we could not afford the mortgage and the Jeep Cherokee. Barack Obama’s wife drove her Jeep Cherokee in rallies and he suggested that I do the same thing and I told him that I could not afford the gas.

Then I dreamed that Jesus was supposed to be burned on the cross in a motel room and that it was all carefully planned by his disciples and him, according to some version of the Old Testament, except that something went wrong in the planning and that a careless chambermaid ignited the fire too soon by creating a draft while making the beds when Jesus wasn’t on the cross yet. He tried to get on in the middle of the fire, but it was too late and he and Simon were arguing about whose responsibility it had been that there had been a snafu. It was decided that the chambermaid was in cohorts with the devil and therefor she became evil.

Then I dreamed that I lived in an institution with other people who regularly became psychotic and who had to give themselves injections when they did, but there was a major campaign to get them and their periodic craziness accepted by the public at large and to have them inject themselves while they were out performing regular jobs during which they would become psychotic. One man was a door to door insurance salesman and was proud of the fact that he would get psychotic during a visit and excuse himself and give himself an injection and be alright again 20 minutes later.

One of the exercises we did in the institution was ballroom dancing and I thought it was scary to dance with crazy people and also to go out onto the grounds and go for walks with them. I was torn between accepting that I was as crazy as them and denying it and being afraid of them.

Well, some of that is pretty clear while the rest of it is very obscure. Anyone who can figure it out is welcome to.

Eduard is still very busy sleeping. Sometimes I can here him snore a bit. That never bothers me and sometimes Jesker snores too, so they snore in unisome. Yesterday morning, I didn’t let Jesker out on time and he did a piddle on the living room floor, much to his own embarrassment. He is mortified when he does and this is only the second time that he has. I must have been so preoccupied that I didn’t pick up any urgent signals. He is such a good dog and really waits until there is no other option.

Lord, the thought of getting the show on the road is really daunting. It must be done and I am trying to figure out what is important and how quickly I need to do what and in which order. I think as long as Eduard is not up, I am not going to worry about a thing, though. That’s a good excuse, don’t you think?

I suppose that is all I’ve got to share with you for now. I’ll go and visit some other bloggers in my alter ego, or should I say my real ego, because I do insist on being Norah here. Even if it means being “Bloody Norah.” Noortje is just an endearment for Norah.

Oh, by the way, after some time, I will delete my other blog. Say in about a month. That will give everybody the opportunity to have made the move. I think that is more than ample time. Maybe I’ll do it sooner. Say, in about 2 weeks. After that I will have to find a way to gather new readers around me. It will be a whole new challenge.

Have a terrific day, don’t work too hard, because none of us here are.



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Sunday in the wee, wee hours of the morning. Let me start off by saying that I always like getting comments on my posts very, very much. I get emails with the contents of the comments all day long and I always look forward to them and then hate to delete them and leave them up for several days before I do.

The thing is, I don’t like commenting on the comments, sometimes I want to on one of them, but then I think, if I comment on one, I’ll have to comment on all the other ones too and what will I say? “Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment,” or a variation there off?

I like going to the person’s website every day, if at all possible, and being a loyal reader and leaving my comment on their post and I always hope that suffices, but maybe I am breaking all the rules of protocol here, I don’t know.

My point is, that I really do like all of your comments and I am not ignoring them, I read every one of them at least twice. There, I hope I have explained myself enough about that subject. I do admire people who comment on comments, I just don’t have the discipline for it, or the good graces.

Yesterday, I found out that Sonific Songspot is stopping on May the 1st, so I thought it was time to go look for some other way to play music on my weblog. I found several others, but found not all of them that user friendly or with the choice of music I wanted until I got to Deezer.

They have a modern website and lots of music to choose from and they are fairly easy to use. You can download all the music you want and then have it played back randomly, which I think is the fun part, because I listen to it constantly when I am behind the computer. I just open one browser with my weblog on it and then open another browser to do the other stuff.

Now I can’t imagine sitting behind the computer in silence, I’ve gotten so used to the music in the background. It’s mostly just a question of thinking of enough artists that you really like well enough to download and want to listen to regularly. I like women performers, but I couldn’t think of too many quickly enough yesterday to really fill the bill, or my bill, I should say. I like them a little raw, like Amy Winehouse.


I sure like the rawness of Rammstein, because if you understand the lyrics they are kind of strange and violent, not in a cheap way, more in a disturbed poetic way, but not for the faint of heart, but because they sing it in German, the message is somewhat softened for me. I am sure Babaloo would feel differently about this, but she is in New York, so we can’t ask her.

I have developed a strange physical complaint. Whenever I try to sit up straight, my upper body starts to sag to the right and before I know it, I am bent over sideways. I have sore muscles in my back from trying to stay sitting upright, because Eduard keeps pointing out that I am bent over sideways again.

I also have it when I walk the dog, my upper body starts to sag to the right and when I ride my bicycle I keep wobbling to the right and as a consequence I am now an insecure bike rider.

When I sit up in bed, within the shortest amount of time I am completely leaning over to the right side and Eduard tries to push me back up. I really am most comfortable bent over to the right and subconsciously I take on that stance. It’s just hard to type that way.

So, I keep sitting up straight again, but it is a real strain on my back and slowly I sag back to the right again. I first noticed the problem when I was walking the dog a few months back, that I did that and in the last couple of weeks this whole sagging thing has started to happen.

Any ideas? Eduard thinks I should see the doctor, although I have little faith in him. I think I will check on line myself and see what horrible disease I have.

Yesterday was Eduard’s first afternoon off by himself. It was a beautiful day outside and he went off on his new bicycle and was gone for hours and came back sweaty and tired. I am not supposed to ask where he has been and he is not supposed to tell me and we did real well, although this is a little tough for us, because we always tell each other everything that we do and that happens to us, but that is part of the deal.

His Saturday afternoons are not open for discussion. He takes a shower when he comes home and changes his clothes and that is it. It’s a real responsibility we have taken on and we have to stick to the rules, neither one of us can break them and I’ll stick my fingers in my ears and start singing, “La, la, la,” really loud if he starts to tell me anything.

I didn’t miss him for the time that he was gone, I was too busy downloading music and making metamorphics and generally having a love affair with my computer, because, man, I do love that piece of electronic hardware (or is it software?). We had to do the trick with disconnecting the wires two more times yesterday, so we probably need a new modem. I can not do without an Internet connection! It is my life line to the world, for God’s sake!

The other day, out on the field, I told a weird woman that she was treating her dog badly and she got her teenage son to follow me home and threaten me. So now Jesker and I don’t go to that field anymore, but we go to a different field, which he likes just as much and he can sniff to his heart’s contend there. Oh, life is full of compromises like that isn’t it?

Anyway, Jesker and I have a different route and it’s okay. At least we are away from the boys playing football and the other kids playing on the field and in reality, this is a better route because we can make it wider if we want. I’ve heard that the woman’s husband is quite aggressive, so I am just keeping myself out of harm’s way. Apparently, she doesn’t have all of her marbles either.

Il y a longtemps que je t’aime

You’ll have noticed that I changed my banner again from the metamorphic of the yellow tulips to a metamorphic of three glasses of white wine. Don’t ask me why I do these things, just now when I have stopped drinking white wine. I liked the yellow tulips, but this one was a little more sedate and it is possible that I will change it one more tim
e, or twice. Yes, I am fickle that way!

I haven’t rapid cycled since Thursday! It was Thursday, wasn’t it? Yippee! Maybe some amount of normalcy is returning to my life. My friend Joost called me yesterday and said that he had been slightly psychotic again, but that he had realized it himself after awhile and had increased his medication and that he was starting to feel a lot better and more normal now. He says we are alternatively normal.

You see, you are never safe. There are always stressors in life that affect your state of mind and make something go haywire. Power shortages, burnt fuses, electric surges, you name it.
Mis-firings. Electrical storms, lightning! Positive and negative charges. It all happens in your brain. That’s the way I look at it anyway. When I am rapid cycling, I imagine a big electrical storm happening in my brain and I have to wait for it to be over. Or sleep and take medication if I still have enough sense left.

Yesterday I started ironing, there wasn’t that much to do, so I started with some of my things first and when I had the most important ones done off that, I stopped ironing and put everything away again. How is that for true dedication? The rest was almost all Eduard’s T-shirts and he has so many of those! He doesn’t even care which T-shirt he wears, as long as it’s clean and ironed. Which reminds me that I have to wash my bathrobe, I am starting to look like Andy Cap’s wife.

Well, I’ve come to the end of my ramblings. I have just caught a glimpse of Eduard who came to drink a glass of juice, but it doesn’t mean anything, he will go straight back to sleep. He probably wore himself out yesterday. Oh, that was mean of me!

Brion’s Ashes

Have yourself a suddenly super Sunday with a sumptuous breakfast at Denny’s. That’s where I used to like to go when I didn’t know about fat and cholesterol and heart disease.


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Starry Night

Friday afternoon, 5:30 PM. Well, I have managed to piddle away a whole other day doing all sorts of things and nothing important at all really. In the morning at 7 AM, I lost my Internet connection and was like Captain Hook without his hook. The help desk didn’t open until 8 AM, so I actually had to amuse myself for an entire hour. I did this by trying to fix the problem myself by removing and reattaching several wires, but that didn’t help.

At 8 AM, the man at the help desk started telling me a complicated story about which wires to disconnect and I told him to hold on a minute while I gave him my husband to talk to who is much more technically gifted than I am. They had a bit of a conversation and wires were disconnected and reconnected and after a while, I had Internet again and that was the most important thing of all. Thank goodness for technically savvy husbands!

What I did after that is sort of vague to me. I was supposed to have gone back to bed, but I never did make it there. I did all sorts of other things behind the computer, but I don’t rightly know what they all were anymore, so I claim partial amnesia.

I did pick out a new template, which is the stretch denim, it being a wider template than the other, but then I spent a long time trying to get it to look as much as possible like the old one. Only the banner changed, as you can see, as I have misplaced the large size of the tulip photograph, so have added the metamorphic one instead. Blowing my own horn a bit here too, no doubt.

I have changed the images on my slide show and first had them in the middle of the page, but then didn’t like that and moved them back to the sidebar. At first I couldn’t figure out how to get rid of the ones in the middle of the page, but it turned out that you just delete them as you would any old post. Now I have to figure out how to add images to the slide show without going through all sorts of hassle.

Charley Toorop

I was busy like this until Eduard came home and he saw the condition I was in and the apartment and he said that maybe I was spending too much time behind the computer, which I weakly protested, since it is only the last few days that I am so preoccupied and obsessed at the cost of everything else. He does have a point though, but I am not ready to change my manners just yet. I need to be a little obsessed a little while longer.

He did have a surprise for me. A new mobile phone, one that closes so you don’t have to deactivate the keyboard every time you stick it in your pocket and it comes with its own built in tunes. I am learning how to use it as the instructions are in German and English, but one of the languages on the phone is Dutch. See how continental we are? Now I want people to call me, so I can hear the tune I picked out. I’ll call myself in a little while.

Finally, after all that excitement, Eduard and I went to bed for our afternoon nap and I slept at least two hours and it was wonderful. I am sure it was very boring for Eduard, but it can’t be helped. It is therapeutic, after all! We did have a huggable time beforehand.

Now Eduard is cooking paella and the whole apartment smells good. He is making it with shrimp and chicken and I am sure that it will be delicious. I won’t be able to eat the chicken, though. I’ll have to eat around it. Jekser is eyeballing the shrimp, because he loves them. He would eat the whole pound of them if we let him, so we gave him some extra kibbles instead, that is much healthier for him.

Monet 1

Oh yes, I have been doing a lot of experimenting with the metamorphics and I am becoming quite contend with them. I am catching on to the possibilities and how to use them. Slowly by slowly, as Irene always goes.

I have to tell you people, there is a lot of difference if I have enough sleep and take my medicines on time. Whenever I become unreasonable and very down, I have done one of these things not right and I quickly need to remedy the situation. The problem is the point to which I am reasonable enough to realize that. Therefor the sign on the coffee table.

Okay, that’s enough for now. I’ll catch up with you guys later in the night or in the early morning. I am still in my bathrobe. Isn’t that scandalous?

Saturday some time in the night, way too early to call it morning.


Sometimes you have to break up your own train of thought with an image, but will it work? (This will not make any sense to you, because before this I had a bit of a rant about something and Blogger will not let me put it in no matter what I tried, so we’ll just forget about that and consider it left unthought and unwritten. The god of the Bloggers didn’t want it out there apparently.)
No, it didn’t, so I very leisurely smoked a cigarette and drank my mug of Senseo and that calmed me down a bit. Pretty soon the oxazepam will start to work and I will be doing a lot better. I will no longer rage like a storm in a glass of water. All confined and unable to get out. Now I must eat soemthing. Hhhmmm…yogurt, because there are no cookies.

That tasted good!

Today is Saturday, so Eduard gets to spend the afternoon on his own however he pleases. It’s his time out from all the responsibilities that rest on his shoulders the rest of the week. It’s his mental health afternoon. He doesn’t have to tell me where he is going or where he has been as long as he is home by 6 PM. His psychiatrist thought that this was very important for him, but I had already agreed to such an arrangement and we have the particulars drawn up in a contract that we both agreed on. That way everything is clear to the both of us and there will be no misunderstandings. Eduard needs to feel that he has this small amount of freedom without care for anybody, including me. I need to feel some amount of control by having drawn up the contract.

I can do all of this, as long as I keep on an even keel and my moods don’t start fluctuating wildly, so it is important that I take care of myself well. I m
ust sleep on time and take my medication on time and extra if I need it. I have to be my own best monitor, nobody else will feel as well as I how I am doing, well, with the exception of Frances maybe! She has the uncanny ability to pick up on my moods very quickly.

Here is one last image, a portrait of myself made unrecognizable.

Have yourself a satisfying but silly Saturday with sumptuous weather and now snow flurries!


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Well, I am sorted out again and I have my life sorted out again, and that is a big relief to me, as it is to Eduard as well, as there is nothing worse to him than having me under the weather and all shook up.

I had an appointment with my SPN yesterday morning and prior to seeing her, I was still quite stressed, as I had no idea how to solve my situation. When I rode my bike there, I hoped that we would resolve things somehow, but I had no clear idea on how it could be done without letting some people, including myself, down.

When I sat in the room with her, my tears of stress and frustration quickly came spilling out and she could see that obviously I was having a hard time with the whole thing, so we both put our thinking caps on and came up with a solution and that is the following:

The timing for me to start all these different therapies is not good. I am not resilient enough yet to handle such an intensive therapeutic schedule that will make relatively large demands on me. It will cause too much change and application in my very low key life. I am not ready for that and my mind is telling me in no uncertain terms that I am not.

So, I am going to wait a couple of months and try to pick up the procedure again at that point. In the meantime, I am to keep my life in order just the way it is now and my SPN and I are going to work on making me a bit more resilient in the meantime. We will do this by taking very little baby steps and by not doing anything too stressful and then there is always the solid home base to return to. We’ll do it in such a way, that I will not require any extra medication, unless, of course, I get hypo manic, which will require some adjustment in them then.

I feel greatly relieved and able to pick up my life again and get on with things. I still am dreaming very strange and emotional dramas, but that may also be because I have stopped taking one of my sleep medications, because it was not helping me at all, so I am less stupefied during the night.

So, there you have the whole story and now on to other things. I have been given an award by a fellow country woman living in New Zealand. Her name is Marja and she gave me the award for having a great sense of humor. How do you like them apples? Here is the award:

I am very grateful for the award and I will hand it out tomorrow, because I have to do something else first. Through the comments box on my last post, Maggie May has tagged me for the 6 facts meme, so I will do that right now and tell you 6 irrelevant things about myself. Well, maybe some of them will be significant, we’ll see.

  1. I have one very small tattoo. It is a small green heart on my right wrist. My son and I both got one almost 6 years ago to remember the three quality weeks we spend together after he had finished all of his treatments for his cancer.
  2. When Eduard and I were teenagers, he was my boyfriend, but I kept breaking it off and then after enough time had passed, making it up again, and Eduard was so patient, he kept accepting me back. I was a very fickle girl.
  3. Growing up, I never had a cat or a dog, but in my adult life, I’ve always had at least one cat, if not more and also at least one dog.
  4. I am not supposed to have any allergies, but I have chronic eczema and in the spring and early summertime, I have a chronic cold.
  5. When I was an adolescent, I ran track and I was quite good at it and won many prizes, because I was fast. I also did the long jump and did well in that. My daughter inherited this talent and became quite a track star herself.
  6. I have had three surgeries. One for my thyroid, one for my hysterectomy and one for my gastric band. All were successful.

Now, I am supposed to pass on the baton to other people, but I have a feeling that this one has been around the track a few times, so I am letting it drop for whoever feels like picking it up. It’s a good thing to do when you don’t quite have enough of a subject to blog about.

For a little extra, I am adding this picture of Jesker, because he is so cute and we have enough pictures of him to go around.

Yesterday, it was cold here and it actually snowed! In March! Of course, it didn’t stay on the ground, but melted in no time at all, but it was unexpected anyway after we’ve had such a mild winter. My sister and I went for a long walk around the pond and every time we go there, it seems that the trees and shrubbery are getting greener and it is all becoming more beautiful every day. We don’t want it to become too cold now, because of all the little buds on the trees and the green stuff popping out of the ground.

The day before yesterday, I heard a lot of geese honking, but I did not see them, so they must have landed somewhere in a field nearby. It’s the time of year for migrating birds and I am sure that if I were to go to the fields by the river, I would see many different kinds. As it is, we keep seeing the same heron by the pond. I don’t hear many birds yet in the morning, but soon that will change too.

Well, I’ve come to the end of my words. I haven’t come to the end of my delicious mug of coffee yet. Oh, how lovely!

I hope you all have a terrific day while you’re out there slaying dragons and performing other brave deeds. Somebody has to. Ciao…

P.S. Image courtesy of John Mora.

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Monet Images number 7.

I am sitting here with my large mug of decaf at a time when I would normally be in bed, catching up on my sleep, and there is a distinct possibility that I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Having said that, it makes me a little bit afraid for fear that it will disappear, but I think that if I go slowly and carefully, I will keep seeing the light and it may grow brighter.

I have periods now during which I feel good and sometimes they last for a few hours. Oh, my God, that is so scary to write down. I actually get up out of bed and stay up and watch some TV and enjoy what I am watching. Then I reach a saturation point and go back to bed and read my book or go to sleep, but I think there is quite an improvement. I still have bad periods during which I despise everything including myself, but they have a beginning and an end.

I am not going to force anything and when I am done writing this post, I am going back to bed to read some more very quietly. When Eduard gets home, I will do the dishes and hang up the laundry to dry. I feel that I have to do everything very carefully, because things are fragile, but they are better. I mustn’t rush anything, but let it take its own natural course.

I still appreciate quietness and solitude more than anything else. There is so much comfort in silence. And I like the cats curled up on the bed, sound asleep, and I wish Jesker would come and lay on the bed as well and be all cozy with me, but he is not allowed on the furniture and you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but I would love to have a cuddle with him.

I cherish every moment that I find peace in my heart and not that awful self destructive pain.

I must be my own guardian angel and watch over myself and do all the right things and care for myself as if I were a new born child who needs careful handling. I trust myself to do a good job.

Have a wonderful day with many wonderful moments. Ciao…

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Green Stone

It’s 6 am and I have been up for awhile, but I am going back to bed shortly. I thought I would get this post started while I drink my morning coffee from my very large Starbuck’s mug that is filled to the rim with foamy Senseo. All that is missing is some finely grated chocolate on top and it would be perfect.

As I predicted, yesterday was a nearly non eventful day. I slept for a long time in the morning and felt really good when I woke up. It was like I was walking inside a bubble of serenity again. I did end up getting dressed, but Eduard walked Jesker for me and I thought that was very kind of him, because I could have done it just as easily myself. It did feel good to be nice and cozy and warm inside the apartment though, as if all the world was kept safely outside and it didn’t concern me whatsoever. Sometimes I don’t want to care about anything else at all. I just want to be solitary and turned inward and be an Einzelganger.

I survived my usual afternoon dip by taking 25 mg of Oxazepam and going to sleep for nearly three hours. When I woke up, I felt very good and well rested and not at all down and out and morose. It seems to me that sleep is my greatest ally right now and that the more I do of it, the better I feel. It seems to regenerate me and get me over the rough spots. You see how I am learning all these things the hard way. I am such a grown up and I am still learning things as if I am a babe in the woods.

Getting enough sleep this way does make my day much easier and more manageable. This way it is divided into chunks of activity and sleep and that way it also gives my day the structure that it needs and the restful periods that I also need.

Today is Monday and in a way the most dreaded day of the week, although I can’t think of a bad enough reason why that is so. It only is the day after the weekend and Eduard goes to work in the morning and has to work again in the evening very late. Maybe it is out of habit that I think Monday is such a dreaded day.

Well, I am going back to bed now. I will finish this later in the morning…

…It took me a little while to get back to bed, but once I did, I slept for three hours. Wasn’t that wonderful? Now I can sit here in my bathrobe for just a little bit longer and drink some delicious coffee and smoke my wake up cigarettes. I do feel very fortunate that I have the opportunity to sleep this way. Imagine if I had a job to go to.

I visited everybody else’s blog early this morning, when I should have been sleeping still, and enjoyed some interesting writing and awesome artwork. You can tell that some people are very much comfortable with the medium blogging and write so easily about anything and everything. It does give you an opportunity to get involved in their lives a bit and through the comments you reach out and communicate with them. The art blogs with a story are always great. You get the wonderful art and a little bit of a narrative about the art with it.

There are people out there who are just naturally funny. They should have jobs as comedy writers for sitcoms. They write with irony and a bit of sarcasm and lots of humor and always leave you smiling, if not a little baffled at times. The trick is to leave a humorous comment, but when you have a tendency to be a serious person yourself, that can be difficult sometimes.

I know that I have days when I take myself way too seriously and that I should loosen up and not be so grim, but it is hard to get into the proper frame of mind sometimes.

Seeing as though I have been a bit of a hermit these past two days, I have nothing exciting to report. I sleep, I eat, I read, I watch a little TV, I talk with Eduard and I pet the dog. Serenity reigns and that is just the way I want to keep it, because right now that is the best thing for me. I am constantly inventing the best way to survive and right now it is this way.

I must go now and get dressed and do some chores before Eduard comes home. The kitchen is still untidy and I want to make the bed so that when three o’clock comes along, it will be all ready for me to go lie down in it.

I hope you all have wonderful days that are not too hectic with many peaceful moments built in and your own bubbles of serenity. Ciao…

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Yesterday morning, after I shut off the computer, I felt like someone had pin pricked me and I slowly deflated. When Eduard’s alarm clock went off, I brought him a cup of coffee and asked him to do the groceries that day. He asked me, “Why, don’t you feel good? and I said, “Yes, I feel fine, I just don’t want to be associated with that woman for awhile, her of the make up and the nail polish and the over assertive attitude.” Eduard said, “Ah, you want some time to contemplate,” and I said, “Yes, that is it, that’s what I want. I want to take a little time out and take stock.”

After Eduard left to go to work, I cleaned up the kitchen, but then laid down on the sofa where I fell into a deep sleep, only to be woken up one hour later by the telephone. It was my sister who wanted to know if I wanted to go and take the dogs for a walk around the pond. After much hesitation, I said no, I didn’t and she said, “Well, you sure took your time making up your mind.” After I hung up and wanting to go back to sleep, the phone rang again and it was my friend Lucien and I tried to explain to her that I had been depressed, but that I felt a lot better now, but while I said that, I didn’t quite believe it myself.

Before I could hang up. Eduard came home, bringing with him some cold fresh air and a cheerful attitude, and the groceries, of course. I hung up the phone and greeted Eduard by kissing him on his cold lips and then reached for the phone again and dialed my psychiatrist’s mobile number. I got his voice mail and left a message. Eduard took one look at me and said, “You are not doing well, are you? I can tell by your voice. It is flat and without animation.” I said, “I think we need to seriously address this sleeping problem that I have. I think it is screwing up my moods and I just can’t go on functioning on these little amounts of sleep anymore.”

I waited for three hours for my psychiatrist to call me back and then called him again. I figured I had been patient enough. This time he answered the phone right away and we discussed the sleeping problem and how it was probably affecting my moods. He suggested taking 50 mg of Ocazepam along with the 30 mg of Temazepam before I went to sleep at night and to postpone going to sleep as late as I possibly could. I said, “That’s it? That’s all you can do?” He said, “What did you expect?” and I said, “Maybe a magic pill that would knock me out cold and make me sleep throughout the night.” He laughed and said no, he wasn’t going to prescribe anything like that.

So, I tried to stay up as long as I could last night, but that wasn’t past eight o’clock and I kept drifting off on the sofa. I took all my medications and went to bed and very optimistically thought I would sleep until four o’clock this morning. Well, no such luck. I woke up at midnight and was wide awake again and got up. I am having one cup of regular coffee now and after that I am drinking decaf. My mood is fine during the night, it just caves in in the morning and doesn’t improve much during the day. I think it is because I am just too tired and worn out and that this schedule is killing me. It is a bad thing to be on a screwed up schedule when you are manic-depressive. It messes with your moods and tips the balance one way or the other. Well, I am sure it would do that for anybody.

So, I had such a non productive day yesterday, I was rendered immobilized by my mood. I could have done a number of things, but didn’t. I didn’t vacuum and I didn’t do the laundry. And I didn’t go grocery shopping…

Now I am going to lie down on the sofa to see if I’ll sleep some more.

Well, it is now 4:30 am and I just woke up, so I guess that trick with the Oxazepam is working after all, nor perfectly yet, but there is promise is in it. I bet after a couple of nights of this I will get it right. Yippee!

I really have simplified my make up. No more eyeshadow and eyebrow pencil and foundation and no more nail polish, Just a bit of eye liner pencil and mascara and that is it. I suddenly felt the need for that fresh washed look and didn’t want all that make up on my face anymore. I associate it with that other Irene. The one who was hypo manic and a control freak and uptight and stressed out. Now I am going for bare and simple and that is also an attitude that reflects my stand in life right now. Bare and simple. Down to the basics. Time for introspection and gathering of the troops.

After having been hypo manic and depressed I need to figure out who I am now, just the basic Irene with out all the drama of the moods. So I need to be quiet for a while and think things over. That doesn’t mean I am not going to write in this blog, au contraire, it will be very helpful to write my thoughts down here.

Sometimes you need to be alone with yourself and have a lot of thoughts all by yourself and come to some sort of conclusion about who you really are now. You need to strip yourself of all the superfluous things and get down to the basic core and examine that. Then you need to form a picture of yourself of who that person really is and imprint it in your memory and proceed from there. I suppose people do that when they take a sabbatical. I am taking a mini sabbatical, it won’t last long, I don’t have the luxury of taking all that time off, because I am here in my real life having to function in it to some extend. But Eduard is willing to give me lots of time out. He’ll take over some of my functions while I sit and figure things out.

More than anything, I need to relax and not be so stressed out and uptight about things. That is lesson number one. To just breathe easily and slowly and let things come as they may. Then I need to insulate myself against what I perceive to be the stress elements in life and experience them differently. Avoid a lot of them and handle those I can’t avoid differently. It is all an effort to find the balance in my life between the extreme of moods. I need to give the Irene between moods a chance to develop and thrive. Maybe that will bring me back closer to the original Irene I once was.

Well, such introspection so early in the morning. I tell you, the mornings are my time to contemplate things.

It’s been raining here, which is nice to some extend, because suddenly it is not as cold anymore. At least the rain is not turning into snow. It’s a bit of a pain to take the dog out in this kind of weather, but is must be done. It’s very cozy inside to hear the rain splatter down in the street. Eduard wears all of his rain gear when h
e goes to work. It’s easy to be poetic about the rain when you don’t have to ride your bike in it, but then again, these aren’t April showers.

I have to find you some images. Let me go have a look what it will be today. Something colorful, I think…Oh yes, these are the terrace chairs beside the Café Monopole where we had our cappuchinos. It wasn’t nearly as cozy there, but it was colorful. The person in the blue jacket added an interesting accent of color to the whole thing.

Now I must go and read some other blogs and say goodbye to you all. Parting is such sweet sorrow…

Have a great day, people, ciao…

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