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Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

Where did the day go? Already it is getting dark outside and pretty soon I have to take the Überhund for his last walk.

Well, I do admit that I wasted a lot of time trying to download Linux for free when everybody knows there is no such thing as a free lunch. I downloaded different versions of it a few times, and that took forever, but I didn’t get them to work for me, so I suppose I will have to lay my hands on a bona fide CD and install it properly. I don’t know why I suddenly have this bee in my bonnet about Linux, but suddenly I have decided that I want it. Mmm, rather strange. Why don’t you write me if you have any experience with it.

I also got it in my head to change browsers, so I went from Firefox to  Opera, and  I don’t know why I did that either. Actually, I think they are all diversionary tactics to keep me doing from what I really need to do, and that is write letters of objection. I thought this morning that I had to make a few copies of some financial papers, but I ended up making 20. I am sending these to various people who have to know that they are not doing their job properly. It all makes me sick and I have written two letters already. I don’t even want to talk about it. People are laying down on the job.  I think they are stuck behind their desk with two fingers stuck in their noses and their eyes half shut humming nameless tunes.

I got up late in the morning after i had been up for a while, but decided to go back to bed. It does me a lot of good, that extra sleep. Just two hours or so. Then I hung out behind the computer postponing the inevitable, walking the Überhund and he was being so good about it, until he just couldn’t wait any longer and there was a dry spell in the rain that was coming down.

After I had gone to the store to make all the copies, I felt pretty disgusted for having had to make them and wanted to complain about it to someone, but my sister wasn’t home, so I called the Exfactor who told me he was on his way over to come and do laundry because his washing machine was broken. So, I waited until he got here nd complained loudly and then he complained loudly to me about Social Services too, because they think he can pay me a hefty amount of alimony. So we both bitched for a while.

Then we just visited like ordinary people and I realized that we have actually developed a normal friendship and that the Exfactor felt completely at ease to tell me about the long weekend he had just spent with the Paramount and that it didn’t bother me one bit and I asked questions about it and felt fine with it. We can even discuss our relationship very casually and talk about relationships in general and what fools people can be. So that is good.

He came back later, after he had gone to the hospital for X-rays and a new cast on his arm, and picked up his laundry and will be back for my birthday on the 7th. Such pals we are.

I am going to keep this short, because i am beat and I want to take the Überhund for his walk and get into my pajamas and veg out in front of the TV. I have no other desire but to put my mind on zero exertion.

Have a good day and ad vise me about Linux if you can, is it really the great thing it’s supposed to be?

Ciao…

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I am sitting here with my daft head thinking strange things, because I am not quite wide awake yet. It is too early to be awake properly, yet this is the second time I am tonight. I thought what my mot de garde would be and it would be something like “no pain, no gain”. In my sleep foggy mind I imagined we had founded a literary foundation and each of us had to have a slogan like it, that was only known to us insiders. Talk about wanting to be exclusive. Of course, I thought if I can’t be creative in the fine arts, I must try and be it in the literary arts. God forbid that I should turn out to be only mediocre at anything. What a waste of a wonderful mind that would be…

It may come to that yet. Embrace mediocrity, Irene. Yes, humbly I will. I will accept that I am just an ordinary person with no special talents at all and that, at heart, I am just an interloper trying to pass as something other than le petit citoyen that I am. Bourgeois! Oh, the shame of it, the embarrassment. I weep. I hide my face in my hands. I sob. Maybe I can be a dramatist. There may be hope for me yet.

Well, like Babaloo says, there are those of us who do art and there are those of us who criticize. She didn’t quite say it liker that, but I am taking literary license. We less gifted people who stand back and admire or disapprove, as you will. I once went to an exhibition of German expressionists and left there with a headache, that’s how impressed I was, I will never forget it, but was it supposed to make that impression on me? The much touted about exhibition of the impressionists at the Los Angeles Museum of Modern Art left me rather unmoved. It was as if I was looking at reproductions. I didn’t get any goosebumps. A Frans Hals painting at a museum in Berlin left me weak kneed. I wasn’t expecting it there. The paintings of Frida Kahlo move me very much. I like any jubilant painting, a painting that can’t help but be happy about life, no matter it’s subject.

Well now, how did I get here? Oh yes, being a critic. There is a preschool close to here that has some art by three year olds hanging up in its front window and I would love to frame it in some nice pas par touts and hang it up here above the sofa. It is so uninhibited. I don’t think any three year old has that talent. Some of them just make a mess of it.

The painting I liked best that my son made, was the portrait he made of himself. I am sure his father has it somewhere, because I know we wouldn’t have thrown it away. It was so refreshing, and shocking almost, to see how he saw himself as a five year old and how close to the truth that was, including his adorable butch crew cut and bright blue eyes. Children should be taught art by real artists when they grow up and not to learn to color within the lines.

I love how the Uberhund has accepted me as the Alpha dog and goes wherever I go. He is always within a few feet distance of me. Now he is snoring away beneath the computer desk. It is very good to feel such loyalty from an animal and I feel very privileged. I must always take care to give him the proper attention he deserves and to never neglect him. I must remember to give him his cuddles regularly and not be autistic about that. Luckily, he is very good about demanding his time with me. He just shoves his nose in my hands.

He is very good about letting me know when in the evening he wants to go out. He doesn’t like to wait until 10 o’clock, that’s too late for him. If I tell him it’s too early, he barks at me and starts pacing up and down impatiently and doesn’t rest until I have put on my shoes and then he is so happy, he does pirouettes. That’s not bad for an old overweight dog on a slippery floor.

He tries to be very bossy on our walks and he has been testing me a lot and I really have to be firm and drag him away from areas I don’t want him to go to. That’s hard to do with a 20 kilo dog who’s stubborn. A very loud voiced, “No!” does wonders. Sometimes it’s confusion and sometimes it’s plain stubbornness. You can be too kindhearted to your dog too, thinking, “Well, it is his outing.”

I am listening to the last MP3 player I downloaded and I am pretty happy with it. It’s better than elevator music. It’s cocktail party music. Some of it is “Let’s get between the sheets” music. It’s a good thing I am home alone.

Oh, I have t see my SPN this morning. I think I won’t see her every week anymore. It isn’t really necessary, because all I do is sit there and tell her how well I am doing. You can only talk about that so much and then you are done with that. I also wonder if the people at the day therapy wonder what I am doing there, because i am not showing any obvious signs of any affliction. I’ll be lucky if I get to finish my 4 months there. Sorry, this patient does not need out highly qualified care. She is too normal.

I’ll get sent out into the real world, you wait and see.

The Exfactor is coming to fix my bike this afternoon. For those of you who are wondering, he did tell me last time how much he enjoyed his freedom of responsibility and care. How he liked only having to worry about himself and to only think of himself, so the same story that is true for me is true for him. He likes coming and going as he pleases and not being bogged down in a traditional relationship. So, don’t feel sorry for him, because this is what he wanted, except that I made him choose for it sooner than he wanted to. In the end, we both got what we wished for.

Well, that’s it for me now, my dears. Happy Tuesday to you. For those of you where it is still Monday, there is the Monday post too.

Ciao…

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This was going to be a very productive day with me vacuuming and cleaning out the last kitchen cupboard, but somehow it isn’t turning out that sort of day at all. Instead, it is turning into a cozy day at home with the Uberhund and the cats, while outside it rains on and off and the world gets refreshed and very brightly green. I do like cozy days at home and since the day is only half way over yet, all things are possible and I may surprise myself and accomplish a big deed yet. We’ll see how the mood strikes me.

I do like this kind of weather. It makes me feel all safe and comfortable inside my little apartment and with just a few lights on it gives an atmosphere of real coziness. Dutch people are big on coziness, It is a stop word for us. We are always looking for it wherever we go.

I did just go and have a coffee with my sister where she practiced her signature in her maiden name and we had to find the nicest one. We finally settled on the best one that is also the most readable. She had changed her signature when she got married, where i had kept mine when I did, so I did not have that added problem. I gave her the book on how to get through a divorce for the first time that has many good tips in it. I hope it helps her a lot. They have the added complications of children and shared property, which the Exfactor and I didn’t have.

The Exfactor and the Paramount only see each other once every two weeks. Doesn’t sound like a very intense relationship, does it? He says that this is fine with him and I’ll have to take his word for it, but I wonder if he was not hoping for more. I think he might like a little bit more companionship than that. I don’t know why this was arranged this way, if it was to give her room with her other friends or if it is truly to give each other the space they need, but it is unconventional, considering he gave up his marriage for it.

He told me very proudly the other day, that he had not been reading my blog anymore and I said that that was good, because he would not have been able to anyway. I do appreciate him making the effort in not reading it anymore, but I still think it was better to remove the temptation all together and especially remove it out of the regions of the Paramount, crafty as she is. A woman does have a way to figure things out if she wants to badly enough. I’m a woman, I know these things.

I was once in a relationship with a man who was very dishonest emotionally. I learned to be very crafty and discover the truth about most things, but I did not enjoy playing that role of detective and being a subterfuge person. I developed a dislike for myself and my behavior, forced as I thought I was into it. It was all a very sick game we were playing and tearing myself lose from it was very painful, because dysfunctional behavior becomes addictive sometimes. Maybe the Paramount got a thrill out of the illegality of the relationship she had with the Exfactor. I hope for his sake that there is more than that. I wish for him to have romance and love in his life.

I, on the other hand, wish none of that for me. I wish for good friendships and good relationships with my sisters and my daughter. I wish for my mind to be equally clear and strong in the morning as it is at night when I go to bed. I want to continue to have these nice and relaxed relationships with the Uberhund and the minion cats, this harmonious togetherness.

Oh, by the way, the Uberkat and his sidekick the white cat are staying with me. In turn, the Exfactor is paying for my mobile phone. He wants them to stay in a place where they are happy and not subject them to a move and the stress that comes with it, not knowing where he is going to end up. it may be in an apartment 5 stories up.

Now it is true that the animals have been especially mellow since the Exfactor has been gone, so he does seem to have functioned as some sort of disturbing signal in the apartment. That is gone now and everybody is very relaxed. We have our routines and regular eating times and serenity and solitude and it all makes for quite living with some nice music in the background. I think the animals pick up on that.

So I don’t mind if the Uberkat and his white sidekick stay. They are no problem at all and I hardly notice any difference with one cat or three. Of course the one minion cat will always be the Uberhund’s favorite, but I am working on him accepting the other two more also and to not be so jealous of them. That’s why I have two hands to pet two animals with at the same time.

My sister was here briefly with her dog and he is not used to cats and is secretly afraid of them. He tries to hide this behind a certain amount of bravour and acting tougher than he is, but he is really afraid that they will jump up at him and bite him in the face. My cats don’t know this and find safe and high places to sit while he is here and glare at him with a lot of suspicion in their eyes. The dog sees their food dishes and thinks of only one thing, how to devour what is in them as quickly as possible. You know: Found food and all that. That dog has food on the brain.

The Uberhund has no sense of ownership when it comes to my sister’s dog and makes no effort to protect his territory. He doesn’t protect the cats or their food dishes.

Well. I typed a whole bunch of more stuff after this, but WordPress developed a problem and didn’t save it and swallowed my post. Luckily, it saved most of it as a draft, but then I had some trouble retrieving it. So I went off and did some other things, like vacuum the living room and the sofa and the chairs. I did accomplish something anyway and then there’s that one kitchen cupboard to clean yet.

Art, where’s the art? I don’t know, I am not artistic lately, I feel like a total dud when it comes to artistic endeavors and I need to be inspired by something grand. There are people out there doing some really good things, but I need to do something really good in real life in my creative therapy class. I have a vision of making a sculpture out of clay and I have the general shape in my head, but getting it done 3 dimensionally is something else all together, of course. I hope not to find out that I really am a total dud and not bake anything of it at all. I would hope to be exuberant, but I’m afraid I’ll just be uptight and narrow minded.

Alright, I have to read some blogs now. It’s a promise I made myself. I must do it. I’ve got an hour before I have to walk the Uberhund, so that gives me some time.

Ciao…

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Huh?

What’s wrong with me? Don’t I have anything better to do than to sit here and write silly little posts for this silly little blog? I don’t know, you sit at the dining table, just minding your own business, watching the traffic go by and suddenly the urge strikes you to go post a little something. You don’t have any earth shattering news to announce, but it just is that compulsion again to write down your thoughts, insignificant as they are.

This morning I bought a booklet of stamps out of a machine, because the little post office in the supermarket was still closed. It didn’t make any difference, because in the Netherlands you can’t buy single stamps anymore, you always have to buy them in a booklet. It’s called economics. There is too much labor involved in selling a single stamp. Actually, it is kind of handy to have the extra stamps in the house, because I subsequently wrote two more necessary letters. The queen’s picture is on them and I don’t have to lick the back of her, because they are self sticking. If only all of life were that easy.

Actualy, I was sitting at the dining table thinking that life is pretty good and that for the first time in a long time I feel safe. Imagine that. All by myself in my own company, I feel safe. I have a genuine deep down secure feeling and I am not afraid of the world and all the people in it and I am not afraid of what will happen to me in that world, because I am taking care of that. I never did feel that safe with all of my partners, I always felt a tremendous amount of insecurity that manifested itself as stress that would slowly build up and up until it hit the boiling point.

I sure don’t have that now. I feel pretty safe with this person named Irene. Yes, I am coming out of the closet people. I don’t have to be Nora anymore. I have come to trust this person named Irene S**ders very much and I am mighty proud of her, so i am going to let her stand in the limelight and send Nora back to the dressing room to work as an understudy for the odd day when I have the measles or some other childhood disease that I am not likely to catch. From this point on the charade is over and I give Nora the boot, while thanking her very kindly for having helped me pull out of the dull drums I was in and the terrible crisis of love and identity. She can now go back to Ibsen and tell him a tale about the 21st century and tell him we are all still silly people and that we never learn the lessons about love and relationships.

So, from this point forward, if it is not to confusing to you, and I thank you for your patience ahead of time, please call me by my true name, which is Irene, and not Sweet Irene, because i was never that, that was just made up, so don’t call me that, although I was Irene Sweet once, but that was in a totally different life that I have almost forgotten about and it seems like a dream to me now. The only true evidence of it being my very real daughter.

Irene S**ders has some living to do, boy. She hasn’t been out much. We saw her last when she was 17 and very naive and gullible and here she is now all grown up and old enough to know about all sorts of things and thank goodness for that. What timing. She easily has another 30 years left in her to be this person, so make room for her. There is another Power Ranger heading into the world. Quiet but deadly. That’s my style.

Well, I’m just kidding and a little full of myself, but it does feel good to set myself free. I can’t wait to have my nameplate on my mailbox. My father didn’t have any sons, so I am adding the name back into use also. I don’t know what my sister is going to do. She isn’t too fond of her maiden name, but she is also not fond of her husband, so it’s a toss up.

Well, that’s enough news for one night, don’t you think? I am hungry, so I am going to eat something. Something small and easily chewable.

Have a good evening or day, if you are still having one of those. Gosh, it’s still only Thursday.

Ciao…

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Mother Nature proved her point that I can sleep without sleeping pills by letting me sleep until just one minute before the alarm clock went off at 7 Am this morning. How is that for perfect planning? This Goddess is a genius. Then I walked around with the alarm clock in my left hand, because I don’t know how to undo the repeat function, so every minute, for 8 minutes, it goes off again. I peed and made coffee and took my medicines and gave Jesker his medicines accompanied by the happy sounds of the snooze alarm. Darn thing!

It doesn’t bother me one bit to sleep alone in the apartment. I don’t have the least amount of insecurity or fear. I have a flashlight on my nightstand in case the electricity goes off and I know what to do if it does. I was up very briefly during the night, an old habit, no doubt, and I made a cup of decaf, but was asleep again before I finished it and I am doing al of this without the sleeping pills. I think it is amazing.

Jesker and I had a cozy time waking up together and then we went for our walk which was chilly. It feels like fall instead of spring. Jesker doesn’t care, he just hops and jumps ahead of me full of joy and goodwill. Oh goody, all these bushes to pee on and stuff to eat off the street before She can stop me from doing so.

I vacuumed the living room and the sofa and chairs really well. Of course, the cats had inundated the new chair with cat hair and now I don’t want them on there anymore at all, so I have a spray bottle of water and each time one of them jumps on the chair they get a good spraying. They certainly don’t like that. Ruining my mew chair! I’ll show them.

At 11 o’clock Eduard came walking in without announcing himself as if he still lived here. We had to make a rule about that right away. Call to let me know that you are coming now.

He went hard at work in the spare room and there was a lot of work to do. Eduard did most of it, as it was mainly his stuff and I did odds and ends, but I did clean out my own closet and shoe storage box and filled some trash bags with junk. Eduard worked very intensively and hard, but I noticed that after three hours I started emotionally sinking as fast as the Titanic. All the stress and negativity and impotence came rushing back into me and I just wanted Eduard to leave.

Luckily, he chanced to get a glimpse of my face and asked me what was wrong and I told him that he had been here too long and that he should go now. Well, Eduard recognizes a hint when he sees one and left very soon after that and it took me about 30 minutes to get my composure back. It made me realize that Eduard and I can never live together again, because he has such a negative effect on me and I thought how sad it was that I had walked around with those feelings all that time. I feel such emotional freedom without him.

He is not quite done yet in the spare room and will have to come back, but maybe he can get the rest accomplished when I am not home some time. I become impotent when I am around him and I don’t want that.

I think, actually I am pretty sure, that I don’t want to be in an intimate relationship again, because I don’t think they bring out the best in me. I think I do best as a single unit with lots of breathing space and room to move around in. I feel suffocated very quickly and don’t like the clinging part and the we become as one bit. I thought I liked it, but I don’t. I pretty much hate it. A dog is as close a relationship as I want to have with a male character.

I can’t begin to express to you the experience I have when I am alone in the apartment with the animals. It is so very special. It is as though I have been given a new life after having been terminally ill for a very long time. There is so much quiet joy in it and so much satisfaction and so much pleasure. It is the most therapeutic thing that has ever happened to me. There is a total lack of negativity.

The closest I have ever come to this was when I was a teenager and I didn’t have a boyfriend and I spent quiet evenings and weekends home alone with my parents and just luxuriated in the very simple things of life. I always found boyfriends to be very bothersome. I thought I ought to have one, but I usually broke up with them quickly, not being able to do the relationship well at all and feeling a huge relief after I had broken up with them. If it had not been so expected by my environment, I might never have gotten married at all and just have stayed an old maid. I probably would have been happier.

Well, I can certainly be an old maid now, can’t I, Yippee! No need to go out and do anything conventional. Nobody is expecting anything from me now. I don’t have to dance the polonaise, as they say here.

Well, now I’m off to do some ironing and scrub the kitchen sink and maybe wash a window or two, if I am so inclined. There is nothing like getting a little aggressive with a bit of scouring powder in a dirty kitchen sink.

Ciao y’all…

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Bless me!

Well, bless my little heart! I have been sitting here all afternoon trying to figure out a problem I had with my Dutch blog which did not recognize me as its administrator and so refused to perform all sorts of functions I asked it to. It basically just ignored me and even with the help of the support desk, I couldn’t get the problem fixed, so I finally said, the hell with it and set up a completely new blog in the same style as this one, but with a slighlty different header, though in the same theme. The other blog had two posts on it and it was no great loss and I did not copy them for the newer blog, but just started over again. Maggie May would like it and I will include the link to it here: http://noortje2at.wordpress.com/

I am sitting here yawning something awful, but that is because I have not had a nap at all today and I think I may go to bed on time. I don’t know why I have to do this battle with sleep each night, about when I go to sleep and when I wake up and if I am indeed done sleeping then. I would very much like to sleep just like a regular person from 10 to 7 or something like that. I am sure it would be good for my mental health.

My husband is working late again tonight and won’t be home until after midnight. The problem is that he comes in through the back door and it is in the bedroom,and it sometimes wakes me up, because the door jams.

It is raining and thundering and lightening outside and every time time it thunders, Jesker barks purely out of reflex. The poor dog doesn’t know what is happening except that it sounds very close by, just about on top of us.

Well, I am just about done with my last cigarette, so I must go and make more. I will add to this post in the morning, in the wee hours no doubt. See you then.

Tuesday in the wee hours. I woke up because somebody was very foolishly removing my reading glasses from my hand, when he should have just left them there, because everything wakes me up and it p*sses me off. Why not just let me be and let me sleep in whatever fashion I am sleeping, at least I am sleeping? Even if it means I have my reading glasses clenched in my hand and my book laying on my chest. I hate this nurturing bit that is totally unnecessary and only wakes me up and makes me stay up. Aaarrrggghhh! That was a primal scream in case you were wondering. I am sure I have many more of those in me.

Okay, deep breath and another one.

I just had some nonfat strawberry yogurt and I feel a lot better now. It’s given me energy and food for the brain and now I will have a nice mug of mocha coffee and a cigarette. You see, I know how to treat myself well and I know what I need in the middle of the night. I need to nurture myself through the small hours of it and not be miserly with what I need. So, a tall glass of yogurt and a big mug of coffee. Big, I like everything big. That’s why I like cappuccinos so much. They come in big cups.

Jeez, I can’t seem to find my sense of humor anywhere. I seem to have misplaced it. It’s not anywhere close by where I can see it. I don’t see its laughter jumping up and down the desk. I don’t feel it tickling my bare knees. I think I’ll go lie down for a bit. maybe it will come back to me then…

…of course I didn’t go lie down on the sofa. I went looking for a deleted post of the Dutch blog instead, but I couldn’t find it anywhere. It is well and truly gone and I don’t remember the title of it. I deleted it and then realized that it was a good bit of writing and that I should not have deleted it. Stupid move! Because I didn’t have the authority to publish it, I did send it in for approval, so maybe they will send it back to me. Keep your fingers crossed.

Oh goodness, I completely forgot to stick my headphones in my ears. I could have been listening to music all this time. Where am I with my mind? Life is so much kinder with a soundtrack in your head. I know why I forgot about it. My MP3 player needed a new battery in it, but that was easily remedied. When I live here by myself, i don’t have to worry about that, if I were to run out of batteries, I could just listen to the Real Player or to Deezer. I lived without any music for such a long time and now I can’t imagine doing without, because it makes such a difference in my mood. It cheers me up terrifically.

“There are nine million bicycles in Bejing.” Katie Melua. You can listen to the text, but you mustn’t believe in the romance of it, that would be a fatal move. Luckily, when you are 53 years old, you don’t have to take any of it personally and can just listen to it with detachment and a certain amount of bemusement. When I was younger, I was such a believer in the texts and the romance of it. I thought it was all true. I was the permanently broken heart kid. I walked around with a big ache that could only be filled with the romance that the song texts promised and sometime I thought I had found it. The big dramatic loves of my life, which in the end turned out to be relationships filled with hazardous no go areas.

All my love has been based purely on dependency. In how many ways can you rescue me? Can you take care of me? Can you keep me safe from the big bad world? Well, guess what, nobody could in the end. Least of all Eduard, although he tried the hardest, he also made me the most dependent and the least prepared. I reverted back to a sort of infantine state and became helpless and childlike. I had already become some of that in a relationship previous to that and let myself be treated like a Duchess, which was also my nickname. It was also a very dependent relationship in which I needed to be reassured constantly of the man’s fidelity and love for me and tried to earn it in all possible ways by being a very good girl. I was a ballerina with very sore toes, making pirouettes all day long.

My biggest fear was always to be abandoned by the people who I believed to be in love with, but which were really dependency issues. That’s because I never had clearly defined boundaries and I didn’t know who I was without the other person to give me a definition, dysfunctional as it was. I existed because of who I was with. Now I know that this is not true and I know that I am very well defined in sharp clear lines with a hefty substance and a clear content. I know who I am and what is bullshit and what is not. I am not afraid that I am going to be lost or scared or make some huge mistake in judgment. I will be fine, because I am a grown up now.

Well, after that long confession, I am going to end this now. In another half an hour, the dog and I are going to take out medicines an go for a walk, a nice and slow walk. I am off to see my SPN this morning to tell her the good news.

Have a thrilling Tuesday. Do you think days like that exist? Tuesdays seem like such ordinary days, except for some rainy day ones.

Ciao…

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Eduard objected to the fact that I said in my previous post that he went out back to make a quick phone call before he went off on his motorcycle. He did not make a phone call then and he says it makes him look sneaky, which he isn’t anymore. So, I withdraw that statement and say that I don’t know when he made that phone call, but he did not sneak out back and make it. That was my mistake. I hope I rectified that here.

When he came home, we had our first ‘normal’ discussion about our divorce and what we need to do in order to dissolve our marriage. It went very amicably and I think that we will handle it just fine and that we will not have any major arguments about it. We seem to agree on how we want things to go and how to divide things up and who gets which cats and Eduard is being more than fair, as he should be. We will do it so it causes the least amount of upset for me and Eduard will help me in every possible way. It will be a friendly and cordial divorce and afterwards we will have a friendly and cordial relationship. I did not say friendship, I said friendly and cordial.

I, for one, feel greatly relieved. I don’t know how Eduard feels and I won’t try to interpret that here. I feel like I am crawling out of a deep dark cave that I’ve been living in for a long while and am going out in the sunshine again. It will be wonderful to live my own life by my own rules and be answerable only to myself. I am ready to be an individual and not to be in a symbiotic relationship that was unhealthy for the both of us. We were codependent of each other and it was not good, because we fed each other’s worst aspects. Now that we are going to be apart, I can see that so clearly. A lot of good is going to come out of this, I can see that now.

I am not planning on having another relationship, because I don’t think relationships bring out the best in me. I think I am dysfunctional in relationships and I don’t wish to be. I am afraid that, until I am completely who I am supposed to be, I will not function well with somebody else, and that may take me the rest of my life. That is fine with me. I will concentrate on other sorts of relationships first. The friendship kinds and the family bonds. First I will become the Nora that I have the vision of and that is going to take some practice.

My lumbago! Well, what can I say? It is painful, but the painkillers help a lot, they really do and I get around a little better. The desk chair is still the best place to be and I spent a lot of time there yesterday. I can’t afford another round at the physiotherapist, so ten days worth of painkillers should do the trick, if I need them that long at all. I’ve heard of other people that it usually lasts 4 to 5 days. Darn, and I was doing so well too.

I found a lot of new to me artists over at Deezer’s yesterday and made a long playlist. Some of them I can get at the library, so I will get the CD”s there. In the meantime, I can listen to the playlist. I just can’t share it with you, which is kind of a bummer, because I would want you to know sometimes which artists I have found and listen to. Have you ever heard of a band called “Death Cab for Cutie”? Well, that’s my point and they are good! So are Badly Drawn Boy and The Shins and Nada Surf and Phoenix and dEUS.

Well, me and my newly found wisdom about modern music! Jeez, speaking of the newly converted. If anybody wants to point me to a really good artist, then please feel free to do so. In the meantime, you can watch and listen to this. By the way, dEUS is a Belgian rock band.

I think The Netherlands should get together with Flanders and form one country and become the United Low Countries and have a president. We share a language and a culture and a history, we may as well become one and it would make for an ever so much more interesting country if we had the Flemish in it also. They have a better sense of humor then we do, socially and politically. We would do away with the royal houses and have presidential elections and all sorts of wonderful political parties. I wonder when someone is seriously going to consider this? Maybe I should start up a movement. They have wonderful food and beers there also. I think we should do it. All those in favor…Are there any Belgian readers in the house?

Well, now I am going to end this epistle. I’ve blathered on long enough. I am going to read some blogs, I mustn’t neglect my good friends out there. I am actually waiting for it to be time for it to take the rest of my medicines. I still have to wait 45 minutes, that seems like a long time.

Have a fun Sunday. Have a sunny Sunday and a lazy one.

Ciao.

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