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Posts Tagged ‘seasons’

I spent a large part of the morning sleeping on the sofa with my clothes on, because I had every intention to be fully functional, but after every little job I did I was overcome by tiredness and I just had to go lie down and the minute I did, I was sound asleep and didn’t wake up until an hour later when I would do another little job and repeat the performance. Just now I was sitting behind the computer doing a repetitive job and I was nodding off again, until the Überhund came to warn me that it was time to go for a walk and that cleared the cob webs out of my head, leaving me dying for a cup of coffee and a cigarette and that’s what I am having now.

I wonder how much your desire to sleep, and not being abe to fullfill that desire, influences your mood? I bet it does a lot. I feel chemically imbalanced when I have a shortage of sleep, I literally feel that I am not functioning properly, as if i am a technical appliance that has lose wiring. That is even when I think I have slept enough, but for some reason my body wants more sleep than I am supplying it with.

I think it is the time of year. The changing of the weather and the light and the fluctuation of the season. The leaves are starting to change colors on some of the trees. It is a season of hesitation.

I had to interrupt this briefly, because the Überhund let me know he had to go out again and he was right, he did have to go out again, he had a big message to do, as we say here. Clever dog. I take him out whenever he becomes very insistent, because I know he means serious business then and the patio won’t do. I don’t mind, it is a nice little extra walk around the block for me and the Überhund knows he can rely on me to listen to him.

Oh lord, I am yawning something awful and I do have to last the rest of the evening. It’s not supposed to be bedtime yet. I am going to make it a point to stay up for the 8 o’clock news at least, I should be able to last that long. Maybe some food will wake me up. I try to think of very exciting things to eat, but at this stage of the ballgame there is not much exciting left. I did buy two cartons of very good juice and I have been enjoying drinking that cold from the refrigerator and it is ever so thirst quenching.

I try to make my eating life as interesting as I can, but sometimes it’s a puzzlement. I’m not supposed to eat foods high in calories, so i really shouldn’t eat those puddings I like so much and that go down so easy. Yogurt and curd are good, but I try not to buy them too often, because of the temptation factor of eating too much of them. Ice cold milk from the fridge is very good. I love to drink that. I haven’t had a piece of cheese in ages. I hardly know what an apple tastes like or a pear.

I just gave the Überhund his second bowl of food for the day and he ate it all. This is unheard of. He used to barely finish what I gave him before and only very reluctantly. Just now he barked for a while to make sure some cats showed up that would show some interest in his food. Then he chased them away by growling very hard at them and then he ate his food. He is nothing if not a clever dog.

I am wearing my size 44 tunic. This is the first sized 44 top that I have bought, I have bought sized 44 jeans, but this is the first top in this size that i have bought. This makes me very hopeful. Size 46 is now just a bit to big on me. The black cardigan came today and it is a size 46 and it is a little big, but that will be good for this winter when I will be layering it. I have to get used to seeing my contours and realize that’s not a bad thing. I see women that are really fat wearing tight fitting clothes that are very unflattering and I don’t want to look like that. I think you should always wear the clothes that most flatter your figure. And decorate, I’m a great believer in decorating.

Tomorrow I am getting my hair cut a little bit, nothing drastic, just to get it back in it’s most flattering shape again. It’s been 6 weeks since I last had it cut, so it is time. I have been wearing it wild and unruly, as if I have been in a bit of a storm and everybody likes it. Of course, it is carefully styled that way with the help of a good hairspray. I suppose it looks like bedroom hair, but you would not want to run your fingers through it, but then nobody is allowed to. I could poke somebody’s eye out.

The vet is either always flabbergasted or he is flabbergasted by me. He falls al over his own words when he speaks to me, but I have been unable to observe him with other people. We are theeing and thouing eachother, we are not on familiar terms. He doesn’t know my name, as the Überhund is signed up under the Exfactor’s name, who pays for the bills. An intriguing bit of pandemonium. He is not even very handsome, but I enjoy the game.

Okay, that’s the end of this ramble. I am going to make myself something to eat and get ready to watch the news.

Ciao…

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Well, it is not such an ungodly early hour that I need to worry about it, but I do realize that I write so many posts that some of them seem to slip by you. I will try to contain this constant need to write, but I can’t help myself, it is like mopping up the kitchen floor with the faucet turned on, more and more keeps pouring out and you can’t get the floor dry.

If I were a novel writer, I would say that these are my prolific days. Maybe I should be writing the great American novel instead, except that I don’t do fiction well. I can only write first account narratives. I never do have the necessary patience to write good dialog and have my characters come over as sincerely engaged people. They all seem kind of like soap opera actors with bad lines who have been stupefied by some drug.

Anyway, I slept a decent enough time and I was happy to wake up and get the day started, but now it is pouring rain outside, it is really coming down by the buckets full. Hopefully this will clear up by the time Jesker and I need to take our walk. I can walk under an umbrella, but Jesker refuses to walk in the rain and can you blame him? He has one good look outside the front door and heads back inside again. That dog wasn’t born yesterday.

Does it seem to you that time is slipping through your hands like very fine sand and that it was only yesterday that it was wintertime and now it is almost summer solstice and where did the time go? It is scary how it just seems to disappear like fog in the hot sun. I am so totally unprepared for summer emotionally. In my mind I am still at the beginning of springtime. I want to call a halt to it and have several people help me slow it down by some huge effort, but I’m afraid it can’t be done and I just have to live these June days with a greater awareness. I try to pay attention to the changes in nature all around me, but it seems to happen in one big burst overnight, as if I was not consciously aware of it and I regret that very much. I would like to do it all over again in slow motion.

I have told you about the “finding clothes in the closet” phenomenon, haven’t I? Yesterday I found the cutest top and I thought, “Oh wow, does that belong to me? I must try it on and see how it looks.” It looked great and it had a familiar label on it, so I know I bought it myself, but again, I have no memory of it. I have no idea when I bought it and under what circumstances. It does make diving into my my closet very interesting and this was after I had already cleaned it out and taken some things out that I didn’t wear anymore. I blame it on the Irene woman, I don’t think Nora would do things like this, but we’ll have to wait and see. Maybe it is an eccentricity that belongs to the whole character. Nora will not have the money to do it however. She will have to think about every dime she spends. I sure as hell hope she doesn’t take up shoplifting or robbing gas stations to finance her clothing passion.

Jeez, women!

It rained so hard that it woke up Eduard, but the water was coming of the roof like a waterfall, because the drain pipe is plugged up again and a man will have to come and fix it. Actually, where the water lands is where two of the little trees are, so it isn’t all that bad. The mountain ash berry trees that we thought were dead and that are now growing like crazy. One for my daughter and one for my son. And the third little one for my grandson.

My god, I am too young to be a grandmother. Somebody shake me and wake me up. The child is nine years old already. I hardly ever see him, that’s why it makes it such a surreality. I am not confronted with it every day and then he does call me Grandma instead of Oma, which would really make me feel old. Grandma still sounds alien enough to me. As if it concerns someone else but me. Oma would be someone like my grandmother, who was always ancient to me and never young and modern and happy. I think my grandmother turned old when she was 39.

Well, dear people, that’s about it for me for today. It’s thankfully Thursday, although I really don’t give a hoot which day it is and it is all the same to me since my emancipation. Certain days stopped having special significance for me and now they are all equally interesting and full of potential to me. See if I care if it is Saturday or Sunday, every day is Nora day.

Have a good one, see my other blog, “Nog eens een keer een leuke weblog…”

Ciao…

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plum.es





After seeing my SPN yesterday morning, I feel a lot better, because she managed, through her patience and knowledge, to restrengthen me with some courage that I had lost along the way and now that I have retrieved it, I do not feel so small and helpless. I feel somewhat empowered again and not so afraid of my moods and the consequences of them and I feel that I dare to undertake more without feeling that I have to suffer all sorts of aftermaths because of them.

So, I am braver and stronger and less stressed and I feel that I can take on a little bit more than I thought I could and be okay with that. As a matter of fact, today I am going to try to lower the amount of tranquilizers that I take and see if I can’t find some amount of peacefulness on my own. Luckily, I never have withdrawal symptoms when I lower the dose, so that should not be any problem. I think it will be alright and I can always take a little bit extra if I need to.

I have read all of my blogs and still keep adding to them. It is probably a good thing that not everybody updates their blog every day, because it would take me twice as long to get through them. I always act as though I need to read them all at once, when in reality I have all sorts of time, of course, but I do like to sit and read them all in one sitting so I feel like I know what is going on out there. I find it very enjoyable to get up so early and sit here while the apartment warms up and I drink my big mug of coffee and smoke my cigarettes.

Sometimes some of the cats also get up with me and come and get some much needed attention and I pet one of them without the others getting jealous or without Jesker getting in the way. He does have a tendency to immediately feel left out when you pet a cat and makes a big deal out of it and gets his feelings all bent out of shape. He is so spoiled!

This morning I have an appointment at the out care clinic at the psychiatric hospital for a first introduction meeting that will lead to me participating in some creative therapeutic group. Since there is such a waiting list, they will first determine what sort of therapeutic intervention I need and will then see if there is room for me in any appropriate group. I have been waiting to hear from them for months and now that I have, I am not quite in the right frame of mind for this, but I talked about it with my SPN and we determined that I should keep the appointment, because we don’t know when I actually get to join a group, it may be a month or two, and who knows what my frame of mind will be then? It will be springtime by then and I have a tendency to be hypo manic in the springtime, so the timing may be perfect.

I downloaded more “borrowed” artwork yesterday and altered it in Paintshop Pro. I had a lot of fun doing that, because I know now which effects work the best and which choices to make. I pretty much have a formula with several options and I can change my mind along the way. Some of the artwork I “borrow” is beautiful and that really helps me make very good altered images.

Eduard is up now and so is Jesker and so are all the cats. All the peace and quiet has ended. Well, it’s not that bad actually. It’s not as if they all come out here and make a lot of noise, but Jesker especially wants extra attention and to be petted by me for awhile and then it is time for me to take all of my medicines and make a new mug of coffee.

Yesterday afternoon my sister and I and the dogs had a nice walk around the pond. We keep seeing the same heron there and he sits on a tree stump in the water and stretches his wings, it is quite a sight. The rest of the time he stands quite motionless and he seems like a stuffed bird.

A few of the trees have green buds on them, which is really early, but the weather has been so mild. Pretty soon everything will get a green haze and it will look beautiful and full of promise. I can’t wait. I think springtime is my favorite time of year, because the weather is pleasant and it is not so hot like it can get in the summertime. I also like the newness of the plants and the trees, the lightness of the color green and the tenderness of the leaves and the blades of grass. It’s the season of the year when people become very enamored and write pretty poetry. Even Eduard says that he gets a little high in the springtime.

I am not going to do the day before yesterday’s award today. I haven’t given it enough thought yet, in fact, I had quite forgotten about it until just now, and I want to have a good look at my list of bloggers. That’s the only drawback about getting an award, it is that you have to subsequently award other people and you always feel that you are leaving someone out.

Right, I suppose that I have come to the end of this post then. It’s been nice sitting here waiting for the day to start, reading all of your blogs and seeing the beautiful art you make. I have to pay some serious attention to my husband and the animals now.

Have a terrific day and I hope you get the weather you wish for. Ciao…

P.S. Image Courtesy of John Mora.

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Yesterday I got up late, so I didn’t write a post, because after I got up, I still felt sleepy and I laid down on the sofa and took a nap there. That was just what I needed and when I woke up, I was full of energy and cleaned the apartment really well.

At noontime, I took the dog for a long walk and we both enjoy that so much. Eduard and I had taken him for a long walk on Sunday and Jesker came home real tired. We walked to the edge of town where the fields are and where there are lots of trees changing colors and where it is very beautiful. Every once in a while we saw a still life of color and stopped to admire it. Autumn certainly is a wonderful time of year when you live in a part of the world where it really is a noticeable season.

What you also notice, is all the various shapes and sizes of the leaves and how big some of them are and you want to pick them all up and bring them home with you. When we were kids, we used to make autumn baskets. We filled them with moss and wild mushrooms and chestnuts and leaves and anything we could find in nature and made an attractive arrangement with them. I don’t know if kids do that anymore. I have never seen my niece do that. I still remember the smell of them. So earthy and rich. I suppose kids would be discouraged to take things out of nature like that nowadays. You’re just supposed to look now and not take anything out of the woods.

Anyway, I cleaned the bathroom really well yesterday. It was a job I had been looking at for a while and finally decided to get over and done with and then when I did it, it turned out not to be too much work at all. I had seemed like a huge job in my mind. It’s funny how you get intimidated by some household chores and put them off forever and then when you do them, they turn out not to be as bad as you thought they were going to be at all. Now I find myself actually looking for jobs around the place and I noticed that I have to clean the bedroom really well again as there is spider rag there again.

Speaking of spiders, I was sitting on the sofa the other night and this huge spider came walking out from beneath it. It was very big and black. I called Eduard’s attention to it and Jesker came over to it right away, which caused the spider to disappear beneath the sofa again. We moved the sofa and Eduard caught the spider in a glass with a postcard and set it free outside. We always have a lot of spiders in the place, but mostly they are daddy long legs, very rarely do we see anything as large and scary looking as this one.When we moved the sofa, we found three lighters and a tennis ball and a lot of dog hair also.

It’s such a pleasure to walk outside with my new coat and my new boots on. I know my new coat looks good and my new boots make a nice sound when I walk. I feel better looking and it makes me feel more assertive. It’s amazing what good clothes do for your ego. I am definitely aware of what I wear and if it looks good on me. I could never wear just any old thing. I do that when I am very depressed, but when I am feeling better, I do no such thing. Every morning, I put my make up on and comb my hair into place and get dressed properly. I do it for myself as well as for Eduard. I want him to find an attractive woman when he comes home. But I also want to look good when I walk the dog or when I go anywhere. I wear perfume every day too. I like it best when I am wearing something that I haven’t worn for a while and that I can smell really well myself. Sometimes, I find little sample bottles in my nightstand or in my make up bag and I wear that. Mmm, delicious! I think a woman should have at least four different bottles of perfume.

Luckily, I am married to a man who appreciates my attempts at being feminine and he does like buying clothes and perfumes for me. Even when we are nearly broke he does. He likes it when I look good and when I smell good. I, in return, like it when he wears his rugged sweaters and jeans and walking boots, as that is the type of man he is. But I do like it when he wears his cologne and smells good too, although I appreciate it when he does that only for me. I don’t want other women swooning over him. Hands off the merchandise, girls!

This morning I am seeing my SPN. I always look forward to our talks as there is always something that we shed some light on. It is good to talk about things from my past, as there are all sorts of unresolved issues and I need to work through them and give the sadness and grieve a place and sort the sad from the happy memories instead of them being all jumbled up together. I also need to deal with the fact that I am manic depressive and the role that it played in my life. I need to sort out my depressions from the actual problems that existed in my first marriage and how one thing influenced the other.

I very much need to keep in mind that I am in a successful marriage now and that I am very capable of having a healthy relationship and that, even while being manic depressive, I can do relationships just fine. I am not faulty.

Well, that’s it for me today, folks. I must go and read some other blogs. I haven’t done that in a few days. I have been neglecting my fellow bloggers.

Have a great day, hope your autumn is as beautiful as mine, ciao…

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First things first, before I forget, I have added another blog to my list of favorite blogs. Yes, there is no end to the fun I have discovering these. Actually, this one discovered me first and I have gone to visit her. Her name is Laurie and she has a blog called Three Dog Blog that you can visit here. She writes about her dogs and all sorts of things and you know I am a sucker for a good dog story, loving my own dog so much. So, I think for now that is enough new blogs to get acquainted with, unless you people run into something really interesting. I do love blogs with a good story, beside all the ones with good art I visit.

I do think, by the way, that it is that time of the year again, Outside it is starting to feel like Autumn and inside of me it is starting to feel like Autumn too. The light outside is different, even though it is only just now September. The sunlight is more oblique and hesitant and the air already is starting to feel crisp and brittle. You can tell that the trees are getting ready to change the color of their leaves soon. In the afternoon, you can still go outside without a jacket, but when I walk the dog in the morning I bundle up, because it is just a bit cold out there.

Things in nature are starting to slow down, getting ready for hibernation, and I notice that I am starting to move into the same mode. I am slowing down also and I am getting ready to hibernate a bit myself. I am like a clam wanting to close its shell. Or like a bear wanting to go into its cave, more likely. My thought is, that all over the world, people who live in temperate zones are going to have a tendency to do this. They feel winter approaching and want to hibernate inside by the warm stove, hidden from the elements and the short days inside cozy well lit rooms.

I usually mentally slow down in the winter time. If I am going to get my famous depressions, Autumn is the time when they start. There is nothing I can do about them, but bear in mind that this is true about me and kind of hunker down and wait for the worst of it to pass. I have started to use the Bright Light Energy Lamp in the morning already, because I am up so early and it is so dark in the apartment. I bathe in the white light of it while I sit here behind the computer. I really recommend it to people who get gloomy when the weather changes in the fall.

I have noticed that this past week I am not my normal cheerful self. That doesn’t mean that I am suddenly feeling all oppressed and down. It just means that some of my get-up-and-go is gone. I am not as lively as I have been. Given the choice, I would rather not do something than do it. I would rather not go for a walk or go into town or visit with my sister. I would rather just sit here and while away the hours behind the computer, which is a nice low energy activity. I would rather not clean house and not iron the clothes and not do the dishes, and remember, I said that I would know that I would be in trouble if I started to not like doing these things.

So, I have to make it a point to keep doing the things that I don’t enjoy doing so much now. Busyness therapy is the best therapy for when you want to just hang out on the sofa and stare at your navel or contemplate the walls, while you drink numerous cups of Senseo and smoke many cigarettes. It would help if there was someone here with a big stick to motivate me into action. Or someone who would give me pep talks like a coach would to his team that is behind in scoring. Instead I have to perform those functions myself and trust that I will do a good enough job at it.

Now, last year in September, I was definitely depressed. I remember how difficult it was to do something as simple as take a shower. I just was unable to do it. And how hard it was to get dressed properly. You mean I can’t wear these clothes that I have been wearing for two weeks now with these comfortable old socks with holes in them? And don’t even talk about my hair! You mean I have hair that needs to be washed and combed and cut? How will I ever manage that? The apartment was a mess and so was I. Eduard tried to manage things but all during the winter, things kept falling apart more and more, while I sat on the sofa like an inanimate object and watched life pass me by.

So, I hope I am spared that misery this winter, even though I already notice a shift in my mood. And here I was hoping to be a little hypo manic before Autumn really started. I really thought I would end the summer with a final blast. Being hypo manic is such a lovely experience, I very gladly would have put up with the extra energy it requires to get through the day. It was wonderful when it happened earlier this summer and I was such a religious fanatic and going into town three times a week to pray at the chapel. I look back at it as a wonderful time, because it was great to be in town all those times, surrounded by people and tourists and being in the chapel with all those hundreds of candles burning and other people fervently praying like I was.

I was really hoping to have an experience like that again before winter time. Which reminds me of my friend Lucien, who has been suffering from low moods lately, out of which she comes with some regularity, only to sink back into them again after some time. She had asked to be included in the light therapy program that they have at the local hospital here, but she did not get permission from her psychiatrist. Apparently there was a contraindication, because there is the danger that the light therapy will make her manic, as she also suffer from a bipolar disorder. I said to her, “God, if I knew my lamp was going to make me hypo manic, I would sit in front of it all day!” Apparently, she wanted to go out and buy her own lamp. but her husband told her that if she did, she could move out and go to live in an apartment on her own. End of discussion.

She is always a little jealous of me, because I very casually mention that I get a good doses of sleep medication, when she has to fight to get hers and now I am also taking the Oxazepam during the day and she couldn’t believe that my psychiatrist agreed on letting me have that. The thing is that we have the same psychiatrist, but for whatever cause, we do not get treated the same way and I am sure that he has his reasons for that. I usually get the medication I ask for if I need it and she doesn’t, so there must be a reason for that, although it is a well known fact that I do not abuse my medication and stop taking tranquilizers as soon as I don’t need them anymore and I don’t know the role that these medications play in Lucien’s life. Maybe she relies on them too much. I’ll have to have a discussion about that with her. We have the same bipolar disorder, so she probably assumes that we should always be taking the same medications.

Anyway, having a mood disorder is no sinecure. Sometimes I makes it hard to plan your life, especially if you have long term goals in mind. You don’t know in what frame of mind you will be three or six months from now. How much energy you will have and how much interest you will be able to take in a project. It is probably best for me to not make any drastic changes in the wintertime, but having said that, I am in the process of arr
anging that job/training thing now and I do want to be able to see that through. I have gone too far in the process to drop out of that. That would really be a shame. I’ll see it through somehow. It is imperative that I get a job,a as I need the money, not because I am bored, because I am finding that there are lots of things in my life to fill my days.

First I have my birthday coming up next week and I am still looking forward to it. Eduard says that he has gotten me a present that I am really not expecting and I am totally clueless. He said it is nearly the size of a breadbox. That’s the only clue he would give me after I asked him about that. My sister has ordered me an article of clothing and it should arrive any day now, She keeps asking me if it has arrived yet, but I have to tell her no, it hasn’t. We just hope it gets here before my birthday. Erica is always generous with her birthday presents for me, usually I get some very nice perfume from her, but I think this year I am not getting any perfume and I will have to make do with the almost empty bottles that I have left. I use them sparingly, making them last as long as I can.

Since today is Saturday, Eduard doesn’t have to work all day long, nor does he have to work this evening, which is a real treat. It is always nice to have him home and it does motivate me to get things done around here. It seems that his presence goads me into action. It must mean that I want to show him that I am a good housewife after all and not to despair. I will do the ironing today, that is a promise I making publicly now, so I won’t be able to get out of it, or did I claim that earlier this week too? I know I am all caught up on the laundry and that is a good sign still.

No matter what happens, I will walk the dog, although I have been known to try to get out of his 5 pm walk. I bat my eyelashes at Eduard and ask him please to do it for me instead and sometimes that works. Eduard is such a good guy. The dog doesn’t mind who takes him, as long as he gets to roam around on the field a bit. When the boys aren’t playing football there, we can set him loose and he can have a wander about. He walks along the fence and pees on all the weeds there and marks his territory, because he thinks it is his field.

Well, it is time to make a cup of very good Senseo and read some other people’s blogs, before I have to feed the cats and walk the dog. I do have quite a selection of blogs to read now in the morning, I don’t have all of them listed on my blog roll yet. Some of them I am still trying to make up my mind about.

Have a wonderful day, people. Hope the weather is wonderful and the day treats you right. Ciao…

P.S. Okay you guys, I am adding one more blog. It is called The American Lady and you can find her here.

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