Posts Tagged ‘sleeping’

I spent a large part of the morning sleeping on the sofa with my clothes on, because I had every intention to be fully functional, but after every little job I did I was overcome by tiredness and I just had to go lie down and the minute I did, I was sound asleep and didn’t wake up until an hour later when I would do another little job and repeat the performance. Just now I was sitting behind the computer doing a repetitive job and I was nodding off again, until the Überhund came to warn me that it was time to go for a walk and that cleared the cob webs out of my head, leaving me dying for a cup of coffee and a cigarette and that’s what I am having now.

I wonder how much your desire to sleep, and not being abe to fullfill that desire, influences your mood? I bet it does a lot. I feel chemically imbalanced when I have a shortage of sleep, I literally feel that I am not functioning properly, as if i am a technical appliance that has lose wiring. That is even when I think I have slept enough, but for some reason my body wants more sleep than I am supplying it with.

I think it is the time of year. The changing of the weather and the light and the fluctuation of the season. The leaves are starting to change colors on some of the trees. It is a season of hesitation.

I had to interrupt this briefly, because the Überhund let me know he had to go out again and he was right, he did have to go out again, he had a big message to do, as we say here. Clever dog. I take him out whenever he becomes very insistent, because I know he means serious business then and the patio won’t do. I don’t mind, it is a nice little extra walk around the block for me and the Überhund knows he can rely on me to listen to him.

Oh lord, I am yawning something awful and I do have to last the rest of the evening. It’s not supposed to be bedtime yet. I am going to make it a point to stay up for the 8 o’clock news at least, I should be able to last that long. Maybe some food will wake me up. I try to think of very exciting things to eat, but at this stage of the ballgame there is not much exciting left. I did buy two cartons of very good juice and I have been enjoying drinking that cold from the refrigerator and it is ever so thirst quenching.

I try to make my eating life as interesting as I can, but sometimes it’s a puzzlement. I’m not supposed to eat foods high in calories, so i really shouldn’t eat those puddings I like so much and that go down so easy. Yogurt and curd are good, but I try not to buy them too often, because of the temptation factor of eating too much of them. Ice cold milk from the fridge is very good. I love to drink that. I haven’t had a piece of cheese in ages. I hardly know what an apple tastes like or a pear.

I just gave the Überhund his second bowl of food for the day and he ate it all. This is unheard of. He used to barely finish what I gave him before and only very reluctantly. Just now he barked for a while to make sure some cats showed up that would show some interest in his food. Then he chased them away by growling very hard at them and then he ate his food. He is nothing if not a clever dog.

I am wearing my size 44 tunic. This is the first sized 44 top that I have bought, I have bought sized 44 jeans, but this is the first top in this size that i have bought. This makes me very hopeful. Size 46 is now just a bit to big on me. The black cardigan came today and it is a size 46 and it is a little big, but that will be good for this winter when I will be layering it. I have to get used to seeing my contours and realize that’s not a bad thing. I see women that are really fat wearing tight fitting clothes that are very unflattering and I don’t want to look like that. I think you should always wear the clothes that most flatter your figure. And decorate, I’m a great believer in decorating.

Tomorrow I am getting my hair cut a little bit, nothing drastic, just to get it back in it’s most flattering shape again. It’s been 6 weeks since I last had it cut, so it is time. I have been wearing it wild and unruly, as if I have been in a bit of a storm and everybody likes it. Of course, it is carefully styled that way with the help of a good hairspray. I suppose it looks like bedroom hair, but you would not want to run your fingers through it, but then nobody is allowed to. I could poke somebody’s eye out.

The vet is either always flabbergasted or he is flabbergasted by me. He falls al over his own words when he speaks to me, but I have been unable to observe him with other people. We are theeing and thouing eachother, we are not on familiar terms. He doesn’t know my name, as the Überhund is signed up under the Exfactor’s name, who pays for the bills. An intriguing bit of pandemonium. He is not even very handsome, but I enjoy the game.

Okay, that’s the end of this ramble. I am going to make myself something to eat and get ready to watch the news.



Read Full Post »

Feeling frustration in real life, i felt I had to do something in my other life, my blogging life, and just for awhile I am going to try this design on and not have any naked ladies hang around the place. Sometimes it feels so good to make a change and it sort of lifts my spirit, but you will all have to let me know how this works for you. That may or may not influence me. I’ll see.

The wonderful news is, that the tax people just called and that they made a decision in my favor and that as of July the first I will have housing and medical care subsidies, so I have some money coming in. There was no problem at all and I could have reached over the phone and given that woman a hard hug. I had been so worried. So, something is going right today. On top of that, my older sister sent me some money which is enough to go to Ikea with to buy a rug for by the sofa to cover up two cigarette burns in the linoleum. My younger sister and I will do that tomorrow.

So, you see I do have some things going right for me too. Thank goodness for that. I will somehow remain eternally optimistic, as long as Visa comes through with the money, which I think they will. I have had a computer generated confirmation as to my request, so I assume all is well. At least after this phone call from the tax people, my stomach is not in knots anymore.

I got up rather early this morning and after piddling around behind the PC for awhile, i decided that I wasn’t properly awake yet and went back to bed, where i very promptly fell asleep and slept until 10AM, which was super, but after that, it was hard to get the day going, feeling like languishing in my pajamas and not walking the dog, whom I let piddle out back.

I drank coffee and smoked cigarettes and hung out on Facebook and generally wasted my time. Sometimes it is nice to be a lady of leisure, or pretend to be one. Jesker was very mellow about the whole thing and there was not a peep out of him. Sometimes he can be very demanding about wanting to go out, but at times he seems oblivious and just plops down and goes to sleep as if he knows I’m not in the proper mood.

I’ve done some housework, so I haven’t quite wasted the day and the apartment looks clean enough if you wear roller skates and roll through it really fast. There is always something undone and some area that needs my attention, but then I am not a stickler for details and I easily let things slide as long as it looks halfway decent. I do notice that everything stays cleaner now that I live here on my own. No dust devil here with motor grease.

What really amuses me is how little TV I watch. I really have to make the effort to turn it on and I don’t have a TV guide, so I very seldom know what’s going to be on, I only find out by chance. I try to watch the news, but very often even that slides by me and I miss what’s going on in the world and am a badly informed citizen. Do you think that can be held against me? Such irresponsibility. Neither do I read a newspaper, although I could easily read the BBC News on line. I think I’ve become to self centered in my little busy world.

The kids are back in school and every morning troves of them walk by the apartment with their parents. Kids of all nationalities. it is a regular melting pot an it gives me pleasure to see it. Some of the women wear head scarves and some of the black women wear reggae colors. They are all very colorful. The kids jabber in all sorts of languages plus Dutch. They all stop to look at the cats that sit in the windows. Nouri gets scared and runs away, but Toby and Gandhi stay put. They understand the protection of glass.

Jesker thinks he has to bark at everybody who looks in and thinks he is a great protector of all of us. he doesn’t understand why i don’t get upset and just sit there.

Some art:

I have a limp cigarette that’s being puled down by gravity when I try to take a drag off it. I guess it is a dud. You do get those sometimes. It’s real tricky to make good cigarettes, you have to get just the right amount of tobacco in.

Well, my dog wants to go out now and no amount of telling him to be patient is making a difference, so off we must go. I will put my walking shoes on and my jacket and put lots of baggies in my pocket.

Have a great day. I am planning on relaxing as much as possible the rest of the day, having no stomach tied in knots now.


Read Full Post »

There comes a time, when you have read so many blogs that you are saturated with them and that you can not leave another sensible comment. Then it is time to quit and save the rest of them for another day ,says I, who is not a quitter and who goes on until the bitter end, but even I have to admit when i am beat. Much as I would like to leave an amusing or other form of astounding comment, at one point my brain is not capable of it anymore and I just blank out. That’s why I take turns beginning either at the top of the list or at the bottom, so that all people will get an equal share of my attention.

Today I had the fortune of sharing the woes of my pitiful financial situation with the group of people at my ergo therapy and let me tell you, a worry shared weighs less and there was much compassion all around making me not feel so alone in all of this. As I heard myself speak, I realized how ridiculous the whole thing was and how strange bureaucracy works and how I need to fight the system by being a dishonest citizen. I will nver be gullible and naive again and always watch out for number one.

I stayed home this afternoon, waiting for the tax people to call me, which of course they didn’t and they probably won’t until the very last day in the very last hour, but if that is what they are planning on doing, I am calling them first. I do have a mouth to open and a brain to form the right words to say what’s on my mind. I am not some easily intimidated person whom they can talk under the table.

This morning I had a stomachache worrying about it all, but it quickly disappeared and I am now my usual feisty self.

I am making friends on Facebook and collecting an eclectic bunch of people, one of whom wants to flirt with me, but I think I am old enough to be his mother and he lives in South Africa. It’s all in good fun, though, and I can take it as far as I let it go. I try not to neglect anyone and go by everyday to send them each a message. Not good karma or flowers or eggs with surprises in them, but just a plain old message.

Jesker is being his regular spoiled self and thinks he needs to be walked every hour. Of course, I don’t fall for this and he is very disappointed when I don’t. I try to give him some other kind of attention to divert his mind and that usually works, until he gets bored again and wants to go out. He has a great need to look for inedible substances and thinks he will find those all over the place whenever we go out.

I am so tired at the end of the day. I look forward to going to bed, yet try to postpone it until I am a zombie and barely capable of coherent movement. I have put clean sheets on the bed today, so it will be extra nice to go to sleep tonight. I love crispy clean sheets.

Today at ergo therapy we had to rob each other’s territory with paint on a large piece of paper and the battle between me and my partner became so heated that we ended up taking the whole bottles of paint and squirting them directly on the paper. It was hard to see who won, it was a close draw, but a lot of fun, as opposed to the other couple who neatly stayed in their own territory. It was all a matter of interpretation and how far you were willing to go. I will go far to defend my territory. You learn something new every day.

The other obvious thing is too, that I am full of humor there and I am not so in real life. In real life I have a tendency to be too serious, so I have to learn to carry this humor out into the outside world. Apparently I make people like me through my sense of humor and my big mouth and everybody will tell you that I am a nice person.

I receive lots of good kudos there, if only I could do that in real life.

I’ve got to find myself a new book to read,as i finished the one about Chicago May. I am hoping there are some books on the book case that I haven’t read yet. At least ones good enough to put me to sleep. I have my whole sleeping ritual of making toasted bread and a glass of warm milk and getting my book and my strongest reading glasses. The warm milk really helps me sleep, it works better than a sleeping pill. The toasted bread is comfort food, to make it more cozier, I share it with the dog.

Well, that’s all she wrote for today. It’s time to sit back and relax for a few moments before walking Jesker again and putting his eye drops in. There is never rest for the wicked.

Sleep tight everyone, treat your alarm clock with patience, it’s only doing its job.


Read Full Post »

Darn, I haven’t done a damn thing all day. At least not any of the things that come under the heading of ‘household chores’. Everything is exactly as it was this morning when I got up, not one speck of dirt and not one dirty dish has been moved. Not that I have that many specks of dirt and dirty dishes, living here on my own and all that. I do have dog hair, however and I could have, I say, I could have, vacuumed today, but since the day is sacred, I thought I would not noisy it up with the sound of the vacuum cleaner. How is that for a fair set of reasoning? I am not even a religious person when I am in my right mind, yet I abide by the holiness of Sunday and always will.

Well, I did walk the dog numerous times and the first time was at 4AM, because he had to go badly and you don’t say it’s too early to a dog who has to go badly. I have fed him and the cats and given him his pills and his eye drops, so I have been a responsible owner, even if it is my day off. I have to walk him once more tonight and do his eye twice more and then we call it a day.

Remember when I was being all sentimental and so convinced that I should have a second dog and that I had to be talked out of that by my sister and my daughter and some other people? Well, these past few days the thought has been growing with me that after the Überhund is gone I may not want another dog at all, but just stick with cats. It would give me a lot more freedom to come and go as i choose and to spend nights away from home and make short trips. Now I am always rushing home at certain times of the day to walk him and sometimes I want to linger somewhere when there is a good atmosphere and a good conversation going.

So, I am going to put some deep thought into that. It is a whole new idea that I have to approach with a whole new attitude.

Well, what did I do all day? I hung out behind the computer doing all sorts of things on Facebook and on my new email address and on a new web group I joined. I frankly piddled the whole day away doing piddly things that don’t justify all the time I spent on them. Oh yes, I updated my profile on Hyves too, but that is no fun for you people because it is all in Dutch. Besides, I don’t move under my real name there, I am incognito.

I’ll tel you what I did on Facebook. I looked through the pictures of all the friends of my friends and when I saw a nice looking man, I wrote him a really nice message and asked him to be my friend. I only did it three times, so I was being very picky and they all live far away, so there is no danger of anything developing. Wasn’t that smart of me? I don’t know. It probably is going to backfire on me or something…

I just ate a bowl of asparagus soup and it is making me feel very sad. Does eating asparagus make you feel sad? Why would that be? Am I associating something with asparagus? I always think that the big ones look like circumcised penises, but that can’t be it. I have that sometimes with some foods, that they make me feel sad and I never know why. It is a feeling that passes after a while and I used to think it was like an allergy, but now I think it is maybe an association deep down in my subconscious.

I tell you, so much happens in my subconscious that steers me, that I am not aware of, sometimes I wonder if I have a free will at all.

It’s only just after 6 o’clock and I am already yawning. I can’t possibly be sleepy now. The Überhund is sleeping at my feet and snoring, maybe that is sleep inducing.

I tell you what. I am going to keep this short for tonight and watch some TV. The Netherlands are managing to win a medal about every day so we’ll see how they did today. That is, if I can keep my eyes open.

Have a happy what’s left of this Sunday. I’m not complaining about mine.


Read Full Post »

I think it is a minor miracle that I sleep the sleep of the innocents and don’t have nightmares about an avalanche of bills coming out of the mailbox when I open it and then realize the awful shortage of money I have and the inability to pay them and the way I rob Peter to pay Paul. Instead, I very rarely remember my dreams and when I do, they are fairly benign and nothing really awful happens in them, except that an old ex pops into them every once in a while, but they are easily dealt with and cause no grief.

The shortage of money is a thing I am trying to stay optimistic about and I keep telling myself that it is a temporary situation that I am juggling with now and that I won’t be having this worry forever. So, I try to let it slide like water of a duck’s back, but I do allow myself 20 minutes a day of giving it some serious thought. Thank goodness for very good anti-anxiety pills. I would be a blathering idiot in the corner of the living room refusing to come out of hiding otherwise. They’d have to lock me up in the anti-anxiety ward.

This morning I went to the bank very early, actually the minute they opened up and before they would all be busy helping hundreds of other customers, and closed one obsolete bank account that was only costing me money. Then I called the tax office and asked them about my rent and health care subsidies and they said I should be getting those just before the 24th of August, including those for July, if all goes well. It takes the tax people 8 weeks to process a request. Bah humbug.

The housing corporation, which had promised me that they would not take my rent until the 27th of August, has taken my rent out of my account on the 4th, leaving me short 97 Euros. Luckily, my Visa card had just arrived in the mail and I ordered them to put a supply of money in my bank account, which I will pay back when I get my next welfare check. Juggling, people, I am juggling. At least the rent is paid now, although it was not supposed to be.

How to live on the edge and not get too scared by it.

Luckily, I have my trusty Uberhund who needs my love and attention and his regular walks and his dishes of rice cooked in bouillon, because he had the runs something awful, but it is now all cleared up and we are back to normal again. Tonight, he is having his regular kibbles, much to his chagrin, because he really likes rice cooked in bouillon. I think I will make that as a treat for him on the weekends, even when he is not having the runs, because he loves it so and is aware of me fixing it for him and waits for it very impatiently. The cats think they like it too and hover nearby, but they actually don’t.

I am the listening post for my sister who is going through her divorce, but it is taking a lot of time and her husband still has not moved out, causing her a lot of stress, because his new house is not furnished yet and has no curtains. All is on order, but will take several weeks to get done. I will advice her tonight that he should move out anyway and go someplace else in the meantime. My sister is practically emotionally worn down.

My older sister and I speak on the phone several times a week and try to come up with solutions, but do feel a certain amount of frustration, as it is hard to interfere in someone else’s marriage. You see how mistakes are being made all over the place and how things could be done differently, but what can you do? Gentle hints and suggestions are it. They have a rebellious teenage daughter on their hands as well.

Let me tell you, I was so blessed with my kids. They were good kids. I was very lucky in that department.

Yesterday the Exfactor came over with a bag of brownies that they sell at the film house, but these were just a little dry and they were getting rid of them. Well, they didn’t taste dry to me at all and I thoroughly enjoyed eating them. I told you I’m a chocolate junkie. It is my downfall and I ate them unashamedly right in front of the Uberhund , because dogs can’t have chocolate. It is wonderful to be sinful in the food department once in a while and my stomach was very happy.

We had some very hot days and yesterday it was almost too hot to walk the Uberhund, but today at noon, there was a thunder storm and everything cooled off a bit. There is supposed to be more coming. I don’t mind the rain and the dark clouds, even though it does get gloomy in the apartment, but there is also a sort of coziness with the lights on. Not too many though, because it is my intention to get money back from the energy company at the end of the year, even though the rates did go up. I’m such a cheapskate!

Well, I suppose I will go and see what’s on the TV now. I think I missed the news, but I am sure there is some other mind numbing program that can soothe my brain into dull happiness.

Have a good one!


Read Full Post »

For some strange reason, which I am not in the least concerned about, I am back to falling asleep early at night and waking up in the wee hours of the morning. It seems to be a natural way for me to get through my 24 hours of the day and it is only a problem if I can’t get a nap in some time during the day. Usually I manage that some time in the morning, but this morning I have to go to creative therapy and I hope I can find an interesting activity that will keep me awake and alert.

It is confusing to the Uberhund when I get up so early and he comes out with a look of doubt on his face and has me pet him a lot to be reassured that everything is okay. Then he hesitatingly walks back to the bedroom to get some more sleep,  because he is a sensible dog.  I think he really likes the nighttime when he doesn’t have to be alert and present and he can really fall into a deep sleep.

My sister came back from her vacation yesterday and had a nice tan to show for it. She looked great, but she was wearing the wrong clothes, because it was very cool and rainy here. Her soon to be ex husband and she took turns spending a week each with their kids in an apartment in a small town on the Costa Brava, where the kids learned how to scuba dive. Apparently, this is a town where Spanish people go on holiday and there weren’t many foreigners there and the food was delicious.

It is impossible now for me to talk about food with any pleasure at all, as my gastric band seems to have gotten tighter and the portions I can eat comfortably have gotten much smaller over the past two weeks. I had to make some adjustments for that and was overeating at first and suffering with the results of that with pain and regurgitation. I now have figured out how much I can eat all at once and it is very little and I think that the gastric band will not have to be filled again.

I had heard that this sometimes happens. That some weeks after it has been filled again, it suddenly seems to get tighter and you can eat less all of the sudden. When you are not aware of that at first, you make the mistake of eating the same portions you were and getting sick.

So, to me eating food is very much about being physically hungry now and nothing else, because I associate it with discomfort and not with pleasure. I really have to think about how much I am going to eat and about when I will eat again and if what I eat will be nourishing and filling enough to last a while. There can be no empty calories, there has to be nutrition in them. Yesterday, for instance, I had a piece of toast of some very good bread. One hour later, I tried to eat a one egg omelet, but only could eat a few bites of it and I was disgustingly full and had to stop eating and give the rest to the Uberhund.

Hey, I would be a very cheap guest if I came to stay at your house, it takes so little to feed me and you wouldn’t have to take me out to a restaurant or anything. I can’t even eat the kid’s menu or an appetizer.

Actually, I would make a lousy house guest, because I smoke and drink coffee constantly and you won’t let me do that at your house, so, unless you have a nice climate and a comfortable veranda to sit on, I won’t be coming by any time soon. I do so hate to give up my pleasures.

Well, that’s it for me for today. I must go and try to eat some toast and stare at my navel for a little while in my ever decreasing stomach. Did you know that I have a very hollow navel, because the midwife put a heavy coin on it to make it an “innie”, only the coin was too heavy? Maybe my mother told a great big fib and I will go on believing this even though it isn’t true at all.


Read Full Post »

I am desperately drooling over a 2,5 seater leather sofa at Ikea and I am trying to put all sorts of wily schemes together to get my hands on one. It isn’t very expensive and oh so practical with the animals, because now I am constantly vacuuming cat and dog hair off the sofa and wiping off cat barf. I need 400 Euros and somehow there has to be away that I can manage to get this money together, said the eternal optimist. It is a big wish and I will make it come true, come hell or high water. You’ll see.

Today the Exfactor is coming by at 1 PM to give me the papers that I need on Tuesday. Maybe he will stay for a cup of coffee, which I won’t mind at all. I have been able to handle small amounts of him as long as it is under my conditions. And since I rule here…you get the picture.

Sleeping is still going extremely well. I do get up in the middle of the night thinking I am awake and need to do things, but it is all a delusion and within the shortest amount of time I am asleep again. The Unberhund is sleeping later also, so we are in tune with each other. We go for our morning walk when we are good and ready and that may take some time, as I do need my mugs of coffee to become fully functioning. The Uberhund very patiently waits by me feet where I can scratch his ears. He makes sure he is not getting the short end of the stick anytime. He allows no cat to come near me, not even his favorite one and if one comes close by, he hunkers up against me as close as he can, not leaving any room for a cat to get in.

The Netherlands lost to the Russians 1-3. What a blamage. I only watched some of the game, because I kept falling asleep on the sofa, but I woke up with each over excited noise when another goal was made. The whole neighborhood was roaring with grief. I guess that Dutch coach really taught the Russians how to play football. I don’t know what this means for our overall standings, I will try to find out today. I went to bed directly after the game and didn’t stay up to listen to the analysis. Oh, well…

The weather is very odd. It is overcast, but warm and I am not sure if it is going to rain, because i missed watching the news yesterday. I am so out of date as to what is going on in the world. I only know what is happening right here right now. It keeps me occupied enough.

Will somebody ask Kacey to get in touch with me, because I can’t get onto her blog. Blogger has assigned me a different email address. The same goes for Frances, but I know how to get in touch with her.

I very merrily washed my tiny amount of dishes this morning. I was done in a few minutes. I have to look for laundry to fill up the washing machine, as I don’t want to run it half full, but sometimes I have to out of necessity. That old washing machine is still hanging in there. If it ever gives up, I’ll go to the recycle store and buy a new second hand one. Luckily, the refrigerator is fairly new, so it ought to last a while and so is the TV, which I watch so rarely. The computer is the thing that needs to keep hanging in there. The new Internet banking account comes with a savings account and I will seriously try to make use of it and save some money every month.

Well, that’s all I’ve got to report for today. Don’t you just love these short little posts? They’re so uncomplicated. Since it is Sunday, not a heck of a lot is happening, but that is fine with me. A quiet dull roar is just fine every now end then.

Have a darn good day, even though it’s the last day of the weekend. Oh, remember the stress i used to have? Not anymore, thank you ma’am.


Read Full Post »

Older Posts »