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Posts Tagged ‘SPN’

I’m so bloody tired and I haven’t done enough to warrant it at all, so where does that leave me with my good behavior? Up the chimney, I would say. Tired and no excuse for it and longing to lay in a sweet meadow filled with four leaf clovers and other good luck greenery and lots of wild flowers to adorn my weary head. Oh yes, and for good measure, a gentle meandering brook with super fresh water to quench my thirst after I have finished off the bottle of cold white wine that I happen to have with me. The Überhund is there too, frolicking in the tall grass, chasing butterflies and being droll.

Ach, such fantasies are permissable when you get to be my age, it’s all doddery and senility from now on and foolish old woman talk. Which still leaves me tired from I don’t know what and how did this day get started in the first place anyway? Well, let’s look back…

It started with me almost forgetting that I had an appointment with my SPN. She had been on vacation and I had gotten so used to her being gone, that I had forgotten that she was back. AT 8 AM I thought, “Wait a minute, I am supposed to be somewhere at 9 AM.” Quick dramatic flurries of activities ensued, with me  making sure I looked great in the least amount of time, because I never leave the house for anything important unless I am put together well. I have to look good and smell good and have great hair before I go anywhere important. Luckily, I am very practised at this and I know how to do it in a hurry and have that casually put together, blown by a little bit of wind look. I tell you, man, I have to be able to meet the queen at a moment’s notice and look good enough. She has ‘able to withstand hurricane hair’ herself.

So, I had a very productive meeting with my SPN in which we talked about a lot of sensible things and made some headway in understanding where I am in my head nowadays. Which is basically in a very good place, so my next appointment isn’t until 3 weeks from now. I think we are both mighty pleased with the state of things.

Then I went to the big drugstore, because the Exfactor had given me a gift certificate and I wanted to spend that on food supplements. I got a big bottle of  Omega 3 capsules and a bottle of Kelp tablets, which are also good for your metabolism, and some other odds and ends. I now have 5 bottles of vitamins and supplements and some of those pills are big suckers and I worry about getting them down, but somehow I do. I am very brave that way.

I do love the way I so casualy hop on my bike and race from point A to point B as if it is no problem at all and no obstacle stands in my way. I hardly slow down for an uphill slant or a round about. It’s all a piece of cake.

Then I went to the pharmacy to pick up a supply of ‘feel good pills’ and fully supplied, I went home again, where the Überhund greeted me as if I had been gone on a Northpole expidition and was very disappointed when he found out that I didn’t bring home anything ‘good’ to eat. Good as in pudding with berry sauce, but I have sworn that off.

I took him for a walk, because after a certain point I had to stay home and wait for the delivery of my tunic and duvet cover. When they arrived, I tore off my clothes to try on the tunic and found out that it fit, but it fit just a bit snugly for my taste and it needs a lose garment to go over it like a cute little three buttoned vest in black that I just happened to find on line and that will get here on Thursday and will make the outfit complete. The tunic is very pretty and ever so nicely made and it looks very pretty, it just shows my tummy a little bit too much, so 5 kilos later it will look better by itself.

The duvet cover caused a whole bed change, of course, and I will go to sleep with clean sheets tonight. I would have liked to wash the duvet cover first, but I was too impatient and wanted it on there right away, I will wash it after a few nights when I change the bottom sheet and pillow cases again. I drool while I sleep, I kid you not.

I paid bills, which is like taking a rib from my body, because I makes my bank account shrivel quickly and the month isn’t over yet, which leaves me down to couting euro’s and how far I can make them go.

I did laundry and washed the dishes and wiped dog and cat hair of furniture, which is a never ending battle when your furniture is black. I think at night the dust fairies come with their little bags of dust and sprinkle a a light dusting all over the smooth black surfaces and the animals do the rest. They are in cahoots.Trust your animals to have strong bond with the creatures of the nether world.

It’s impossible to come to terms with the day. It wasn’t a good day and it wasn’t a bad day. It was just an ordinary hausfrau day. Well, you have to have days like that too, I suppose, although I like a bit more excitement in mine, ot am I forgetting something? No, no handsome man came to the door, I wasn’t swept of my feet, I didn’t dance the tango at noon, I didn’t go to a den of sin and debauchery. So, I guess it was just an ordinary day then.

It seems to me that ordinary people should have little escape clauses written in to their existance descriptions. That every day, for one hour, they get to debauch without dire consequences. Get drunk, smoke pot, have a torrid affair, have group sex, dine romantically with Rudolf Valentino, make love to Cary Grant and then, floops, they are back into their normal life again without any hangovers or social diseases. Oh, such heady stuff. Could we handle it?

Well, after such wishfull thinking, I can only hope that Harrison Ford shows up witha flat tire in front of my aprtment one of these days, but in the meantime, I am going to get into my pajamas for my regular eveing of relaxationa and fun in front of the dummy box and wach the news and see which country is getting hit by which hurricane tonight and not watch any news on John McCain and his token female vice presidential ‘candidate’ who makes me laugh, although she is a bit scary.

Right then, off I go. Tell no fibs, tell it like it is, bigger and better than life.

Ciao…

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Make that the Tuesday on which I will set straight all the things that I thought were straightened out last week and I will not bore you with any of the details. Besides, that would be very frustrating to me and that’s the last thing I want to feel right now. If everyone did their job with as much consciousness as I do mine, we would be miles ahead of ourselves. That’s all I’ll say about it.

I’ve been up for hours and that seems to be the schedule I am on now, to bed early and up early and no one seems to mind, not even the Uberhund who loyally follows me to the bedroom early in the evening and plops down on his pillow for a nice long sleep.

I am so busy keeping track of the details of everything, that when I am not actually doing anything, I have the nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I am forgetting something or that I am overlooking an important fact, but I do write everything down, so I should be on top of things and not have anything escape my attention.

I am very conscientious. I have an extreme sense of responsibility. I think I must at all times hold up my end of the bargain. I seems that other people are more careless about these things and worry less about when and where and how it will all turn out in the end. I must depend on their goodwill and efficiency, but I sure as hell don’t let my guard down.

I am going to make a collage booklet at my creative therapy class. The idea is slowly evolving with the help of another very creative woman there. I mean she is creative, whether or not I am is yet to be seen. I am cutting bits of text out of magazines and am sorting them into the far past, the middle past and the now and the future. It will involve ink and watercolors and special washes applied to the paper and god only knows what else. I am not that informed about all the special techniques, but I will know more when I am done, I am sure. It is good to finally find some purpose in that class besides making ugly clay heads and it makes me look forward to going there instead of dreading it.

I was supposed to have vacuumed yesterday afternoon, but nothing came of it, as my aunt Elizabeth called me and we talked for about an hour. We always seem to have much to chat about and find it hard to put down the phone. She has a skin disease that is causing her quite a bit of discomfort and it is a chronic condition, that luckily no one else in the family has. She is trying both regular and herbal medication and hoping to find one that works the best.

My financial situation is not settled yet and I am still waiting to hear about my rent and health insurance subsidies. The bureaucratic gears move slowly when you are waiting for news and are watching your bank balance. I am sure all will work out in the end, as I am an honest and respectable citizen, but sometimes you assume the worst and think you will be that person who will slip through the holes in the safety net.

Apparently, Social Services sees me as a person with special needs and will treat me as such, which is kind of them, although lately I have not felt like a person with special needs at all. That’s how normal I feel. It does mean that they will give me extra leeway in making demands on me and give me extra opportunities to get forward in life. I think that will be wonderful and I think it is great that I have people watching out for me like that.

This morning I am seeing my SPN. I think we will have a short meeting, as there is not much to discuss, but I tell you, she does feel like my safety rope. I always have it in the back of my mind that I get to see her and talk to her, so that if anything were to go wrong during the week, I can at least see her and talk to her to get that feeling of security and steadfastness. It would be scarier if she weren’t there and I only had my psychiatrist to fall back on, who doesn’t have the least bit of common sense.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. I’ve got to hit the shower and get the show on the road. The Uberhund is gently snoring by my feet, but we must get going.

Have a great day.

Ciao…

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I am sitting here with my daft head thinking strange things, because I am not quite wide awake yet. It is too early to be awake properly, yet this is the second time I am tonight. I thought what my mot de garde would be and it would be something like “no pain, no gain”. In my sleep foggy mind I imagined we had founded a literary foundation and each of us had to have a slogan like it, that was only known to us insiders. Talk about wanting to be exclusive. Of course, I thought if I can’t be creative in the fine arts, I must try and be it in the literary arts. God forbid that I should turn out to be only mediocre at anything. What a waste of a wonderful mind that would be…

It may come to that yet. Embrace mediocrity, Irene. Yes, humbly I will. I will accept that I am just an ordinary person with no special talents at all and that, at heart, I am just an interloper trying to pass as something other than le petit citoyen that I am. Bourgeois! Oh, the shame of it, the embarrassment. I weep. I hide my face in my hands. I sob. Maybe I can be a dramatist. There may be hope for me yet.

Well, like Babaloo says, there are those of us who do art and there are those of us who criticize. She didn’t quite say it liker that, but I am taking literary license. We less gifted people who stand back and admire or disapprove, as you will. I once went to an exhibition of German expressionists and left there with a headache, that’s how impressed I was, I will never forget it, but was it supposed to make that impression on me? The much touted about exhibition of the impressionists at the Los Angeles Museum of Modern Art left me rather unmoved. It was as if I was looking at reproductions. I didn’t get any goosebumps. A Frans Hals painting at a museum in Berlin left me weak kneed. I wasn’t expecting it there. The paintings of Frida Kahlo move me very much. I like any jubilant painting, a painting that can’t help but be happy about life, no matter it’s subject.

Well now, how did I get here? Oh yes, being a critic. There is a preschool close to here that has some art by three year olds hanging up in its front window and I would love to frame it in some nice pas par touts and hang it up here above the sofa. It is so uninhibited. I don’t think any three year old has that talent. Some of them just make a mess of it.

The painting I liked best that my son made, was the portrait he made of himself. I am sure his father has it somewhere, because I know we wouldn’t have thrown it away. It was so refreshing, and shocking almost, to see how he saw himself as a five year old and how close to the truth that was, including his adorable butch crew cut and bright blue eyes. Children should be taught art by real artists when they grow up and not to learn to color within the lines.

I love how the Uberhund has accepted me as the Alpha dog and goes wherever I go. He is always within a few feet distance of me. Now he is snoring away beneath the computer desk. It is very good to feel such loyalty from an animal and I feel very privileged. I must always take care to give him the proper attention he deserves and to never neglect him. I must remember to give him his cuddles regularly and not be autistic about that. Luckily, he is very good about demanding his time with me. He just shoves his nose in my hands.

He is very good about letting me know when in the evening he wants to go out. He doesn’t like to wait until 10 o’clock, that’s too late for him. If I tell him it’s too early, he barks at me and starts pacing up and down impatiently and doesn’t rest until I have put on my shoes and then he is so happy, he does pirouettes. That’s not bad for an old overweight dog on a slippery floor.

He tries to be very bossy on our walks and he has been testing me a lot and I really have to be firm and drag him away from areas I don’t want him to go to. That’s hard to do with a 20 kilo dog who’s stubborn. A very loud voiced, “No!” does wonders. Sometimes it’s confusion and sometimes it’s plain stubbornness. You can be too kindhearted to your dog too, thinking, “Well, it is his outing.”

I am listening to the last MP3 player I downloaded and I am pretty happy with it. It’s better than elevator music. It’s cocktail party music. Some of it is “Let’s get between the sheets” music. It’s a good thing I am home alone.

Oh, I have t see my SPN this morning. I think I won’t see her every week anymore. It isn’t really necessary, because all I do is sit there and tell her how well I am doing. You can only talk about that so much and then you are done with that. I also wonder if the people at the day therapy wonder what I am doing there, because i am not showing any obvious signs of any affliction. I’ll be lucky if I get to finish my 4 months there. Sorry, this patient does not need out highly qualified care. She is too normal.

I’ll get sent out into the real world, you wait and see.

The Exfactor is coming to fix my bike this afternoon. For those of you who are wondering, he did tell me last time how much he enjoyed his freedom of responsibility and care. How he liked only having to worry about himself and to only think of himself, so the same story that is true for me is true for him. He likes coming and going as he pleases and not being bogged down in a traditional relationship. So, don’t feel sorry for him, because this is what he wanted, except that I made him choose for it sooner than he wanted to. In the end, we both got what we wished for.

Well, that’s it for me now, my dears. Happy Tuesday to you. For those of you where it is still Monday, there is the Monday post too.

Ciao…

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Well, it’s been another busy and eventful day here at he Pondorosa. On top of everything, the weather decided to be a scorcher, so we poor Dutch people were walking around with many body parts exposed and sitting at sidewalk cafés trying to find some refreshment. I am working on a cold bottle of Coca Coal myself, which is helping me quench my thirst and making my stomach region cold. The apartment is pretty cool, because I ‘ve kept most everything closed and the heat hasn’t had a change to sneak in. I just have some little top windows open for a little bit of circulation. An old trick I learned from a native Californian. Do not by all means throw open your doors and windows when it is hot outside. It will fill your house with heat and flies.

This morning I had my appointment with my SPN and i decided to be serious and not have one of those half baked conversations in which I say how great I am doing and then leave again. So, this time I really took my time to talk to her carefully and answer her questions with care. Her concern is that maybe I am hypo manic and I keep having to tell her that, no I am not, I am functioning just fine and am standing with both feet on the ground. I rate myself at a 7, sometimes at an 8 when I am feeling especially good for a little while and sometimes at a 6 when things don’t go as planned, but mostly I am a 7. I don’t think that’s a grade to be concerned about.

I told her, there is nobody jubilating behind my eyes and thinking life is just one great big party and a dream I can’t wake up out of. I think everybody is surprised that I am doing as well as I am. They had expected a hopelessly helpless Irene who wouldn’t have known how to deal with the situation and instead they get this. A competent human being and then some.

We went and saw our divorce mediator this afternoon. We are on agreement on everything and now she is going to write a covenant, which is a divorce agreement between the Exfactor and me and when it is written, we will sign it and it will be presented to the judge, Then we will be divorced in two months time. That’s the normal legal time it takes. She said in the meantime we could consider ourselves divorced for all practical reasons.

The Exgactor and I get along splendidly for small portions of time, but i wouldn’t want to spend a whole afternoon with him, because he starts to irritate me with his lack of attention to detail and his absentmindedness. He forgets half of what you ask him to do, because he writes nothing down and it creates irritation with me who is a stickler for detail. It’s a good thing that we go our own way. We are avoiding a lot of stress this way. Imagine having to be reliant on someone who is so absentminded all the time. Hanging your life up to that particular hook. Very dangerous and unsettling. No doubt it was the source of a lot of my insecurity, because he would not relinquish control.

Well, enough said about that, that’s like getting old cows out of the ditch, as they say here.

I came home to an Uberhund who was very happy to see me, but we could only go for a little walk because it was so hot. The Uberhund would walk for miles, not realizing he was overdoing it and collapse by the side of the road somewhere and I would have to call the animal ambulance. I don’t even have their number in my mobile phone, a good one to add.

So instead we find ourselves here with him laying beside me on the cool floor and with me staying cool while typing this. I am listening to my favorite MP3 player, the one with the weirdest music. I like to wake up with it and go to sleep with it. It’s got I don’t know how many songs on it. Quite a few. Sometimes I listen to the more mainstream ones, when I am feeling more regular and mainstream. Sometimes I just have this need for very odd music. I go through a lot of batteries, but they are all rechargeable, so I am constantly recharging batteries.

I have a tendency to get very sleepy in the evening and start nodding off when i want to start reading blogs. I am going to give it a try now and see how far I will get. Have yourself a good rest of the day and enjoy your evening.

Ciao…

P.S. Here is something I had forgotten about but that needs to be addressed. Two very nice ladies have given me awards. Babaloo for Fairymix.com has given me this award:

And Debs from the Lehners in France has given me this very nice award:

Which leaves me in kind of a quandary. When I left blogger and I came to WordPress, I left all of my awards behind and you know how smitten I was with all of those awards. I gave them top billing on my blog and it was hard to miss them when you opened my page. I thought getting awards was very important and that it equaled being liked by people and being accepted and being appreciated.

Since I left all of my awards behind me, I have had a change of mind and I found out that i did not miss them and did not have the least inclination to import them to my new blog and show them off. I realized that they were no longer important to me and that having them was no longer a sign to me of being one of the gang of accepted and well liked people. That was my interpretation I put on it and it was no longer valid.

So, the next decision was, what to do about any future awards I might get, what would I do about them? Do I gracefully accept them and display them for a day and then get on with life?

I need to hand them out to deserving people, don’t I? But how do I choose, because everyone who reads my blog is a “deserving” person.

I could have a free for all and tell everyone to just take an award when they come upon one, but most people are bashful and will not do it. Nobody will just take an award when it is offered for free.

I have come to the decision not to accept any more awards and to not display them if I do happen to get one, no matter how special and beautiful it is. So, these two I am displaying now are the last two that I will. After that I am taking a page out of Stinking Billy’s book and am not going to clutter up the site with awards anymore, although my reasons may be different than his.

I realize that there are so many awards out there that sooner or later everyone will get at least one. But i say, lets just write for the fun of it and for the beauty of it and for the entertainment value of it and not bother with the awards. The awards lie in the readership and how moved it is by what you write and the comments that follow. That’s what my interpretation is going to be from now on anyway.

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I am so sleepy , I feel like taking a nap, but it isn’t nap time at all, or is it? The Uberhund has been for his 5 PM walk and had his dinner and is now quite contendly laying somewhere in an obscure place in the apartment, I don’t know where. I hear little noises every once in a while. I have left open the door to the work room, so the minion cats are having a field day climbing in and out of boxes. I figured they needed to have some fun today and it is like an outing to the park for them with amusement rides. They think they are being very stealthy and that I don’t hear them, but of course I do.

I need to eat, but there is nothing in the house that is bad enough to satisfy my evil streak. I must have some chocolates and I am trying to think of a place where I can find them. Maybe at the train station store. They may have them there. I need to count my pennies fist…

…For some strange reason I briefly went through life this evening thinking it was Sunday and thinking that the train station store was the only store open. When I rode my bike there to buy some chocolate biscuits, I passed the regular grocery store and thought it so odd that all these people where entering and exiting it, but I took the opportunity to enter and do some grocery shopping. It didn’t dawn on me until later that it was actually Monday and that I had known that the rest of the day when I had gone to my first creative therapy class. .

Sometimes I really worry about my mind, man. It would worry about Alzheimer, except that this is something I have done my whole life so it isn’t anything new. I left my little sister at the grocery store when she was 3 an I was 10. Just came home without her. I left my bike there once too, but I think my parents were less upset about that.

My first creative therapy class…what can I say about it? I wasn’t very creative. I was about as creative as a 3 year old, but with all the inhibitions of a grown up. I made a very badly done collage, wanted to throw it away halfway through, decided to stick with it and try to salvage it and ended up with a crappy product. It is tough to be creative. People always think that I am, but I have serious doubts now.

I think I’ll sculpt with clay the next time. maybe I can find some samples to work with and get inspired and make something halfway decent. I think one drawback of the pills is that they make me dull and less artistic. They make me more inhibited.

So, Sunday evening I was scrubbing the lower kitchen cabinets and rearranging them and when I was done with that I said, “Screw it,” and got dressed up properly and went to the café at the film house. This is the only café where I know I still can get my drinks for free and not get picked up when I sit at the bar by the nachos machine. I had two glasses of wine and two cappuccinos and had a fun time talking to the people I knew who all thought they had to feel sorry for me because we are getting a divorce, so I had to assure them there was no reason to.

The Exfactor was there and we briefly discussed our business together, but I tell you, he leaves me so not emotive and not interested, he may as well be an acquaintance of mine. He is just a somewhat older man with a bald head and a gray beard who is showing his age and who is not in the least bit sexy. I can look at him with a lot of indifference now and see how caught up he is in his own dream from which he will wake up one day. The poor guy. There will be nobody there to catch him…

…I am writing this post in bits an pieces over a period of time. It is now the middle of the night and I am wide awake. I must be because of all those catnaps I took during the evening while I was eating my chocolate biscuits on the sofa. Sometimes I can be a very sinful and sloth like human being. When I went to bed, I made myself a glass of warm milk, but it remained untouched on the nightstand and I fell asleep almost instantly sitting up in bed trying to read a book. Not just any old book. It’s “The Story of Chicago May” by Nuala O’Faolain, sent to me by the WiseWEbWoman. I just started reading it, so I can’t say anything sensible about it yet, but it ought to be good as other books I have read from her have been.

Today I am seeing my SPN and in the afternoon the Exfactor and I are seeing our divorce mediator. I have had some trouble getting a hold of a certified copy of our marriage certificate, but my daughter in Texas is taking care of it now and I should have it soon now. I thought I had it all settled and done and was expecting it in the mail any day now, but when i went to check on it, it turned out they had not filled the order at all. That’s red tape for you. I am sure my daughter will have the thing done in no time at all.

I am curious to see my SPN, as I feel that I haven’t had a really good talk with her lately, except to tell her that everything is fine and keeping the conversations kind of short. I think I should take full advantage of my 45 minutes this time and fill those up with a good conversation. Nobody says I have to fill it up with only bad news, after all.

The Uberhund is sitting here wanting to get some loving. That’s why I have to end this epistle and make some coffee and pay attention to the critter and spend some quality time with him.

Have a good whatever day it is today, you know best, don’t ask me!

Ciao…

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I was so tired yesterday that I could hardly find the energy to take the Uberhund out for his last walk. I felt that I had done so much work in the past week that I had no spare energy left to even do a simple job as that and even my body was protesting, because it had done all that bike riding from here to there to eternity and back.

Yesterday I had my final talk with my contact person about the fate of my welfare payment and I had to show him all the documents I had been collecting over the week before that. Everything went very well actually, although the meeting itself exhausted me with all of its details and I nearly collapsed under the weight of them towards the end. I will not hear the final outcome of the decision for another week or two, although chances are in my favor and I have to behave as if I will get it and proceed from there and apply for my different subsidies, which I started to do yesterday. These are subsidies for rent and health insurance which are very important and can make or break the budget.

There are some other subsidies which I will apply for, such as a partial return for Internet payment and a relief of payment of city taxes. There is also a cheaper health insurance I can apply for that is especially for people on welfare, but I need to look into that some more. What happens when you find part time work, as they have me down to eventually work 20 hours a week?

Anyway, lots to do yet. There has been so much running around and care for detail, that by yesterday evening I was just worn out. I was so tired, that I found it hard to go to sleep and at one point found myself behind the computer writing my daughter an email with lots of spelling mistakes and nodding off while doing so. In the end, I went to bed end slept a few hours, but not nearly enough. My daughter will think I was drunk while I typed that email. I was, drunk with sleep.

I imagine people who have full time jobs feel this way constantly and I don’t envy them one bit, because it is awful to feel that exhausted. I don’t see the satisfaction in it at all of a job well done and the good old tiredness that follows. I thought it had more sort of a nightmarish quality with no time to rest properly and come to your senses. I find the emotional strain to high, but then again, I am not used to much.

It is good to come home to the peace and quiet of the apartment and the animals. The Uberhund who excitedly greets me at the door with one of the minion cats beside him. She is always there also. And then the conversation I have with the animals about if they’ve all been good and if anything happened while I was away, and they look at me and sort of agree and go along with whatever I say and follow me to the kitchen, where the Uberhund will get a treat and the minion cat a drop of milk. That’s how we do things around here.

Now, I have deserved a big two pad mug of coffee, so I am having one of those. I think it was Babaloo who said not to forget to treat myself every once in a while. So, here’s to you, Babaloo!

I said to my SPN, “It’s a big secret, and I don’t want you to go around telling everybody about it, but I am actually quite happy.” I said, “It’s nobody’s business how I am doing, let them believe what they will, but you and I will know that I am doing really well.”

I think she is still waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it may not drop at all, or maybe it already dropped a while back and it isn’t going to now. Only time will tell.

Well, I’ve told you enough for now. I am going to sit and contemplate my navel for a while. This morning I have ergo-therapy and I am more than ready for it. But first some quiet contemplation and then I have to decide what I am going to wear, yippee!

Have a really good day.

Ciao…

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I have discovered that it is better to start writing a post in a Microsoft document first and to save it as you need to and then to copy and paste it when you are done with the whole thing. I was writing a story for my Dutch blog and needed a lot of thinking time to write it and did it that way and it worked out well. You can then save or delete the document, that’s up to you, of course. I delete mine once I have copied and pasted it to the blog.

It takes the pressure off a little bit to get the thing done all at once and you feel that you can take your time like a proper writer and fiddle around with the thing a bit more. It just seems easier to go back and make changes and add or subtract passages and single sentences even. You feel less committed and more able to change your mind.

Well, after I walked Jesker this morning, I came home as a very crooked woman, so I am back to square one. I find myself slouching in the chair again too, and I am now making every effort possible not to do that, so I am purposely not having a pillow in this chair to lean into, and I have to sit upright, unsupported, but on two buns. I do find, that as I do more work around the house, that is within my limits of what I can do, I loosen up a bit and this is better for my back. I am talking about light household chores like the dishes and dusting and the laundry.

When I walk Jesker in the afternoon I am not nearly as crooked, nevertheless I made an appointment with the physiotherapist for Thursday, which we really can’t afford, but it is inevitable that I go. Hopefully she can do something about that big sore spot in my side. I think that is making me walk and sit crooked.

Today we made an appointment with a divorce mediator who is going to lead us through the whole divorce proceedings, including filing for the divorce. She came recommended to us by an aquaintance of Eduard who is a lawyer and she seems to be very popular, as the free legal clinic recommended her also. We are seeing her on the 17th of June in the afternoon with all our necessary paperwork.

In the meantime, Eduard has been slowly creating order in the workroom and getting rid of things there either by donating them or by tossing them out or by packing them up. He is still looking for living space in the housing association sector, which has all sorts of housing available, but we don’t know at which term. The private sector is out, as it is twice as expensive and not affordable for him.

I saw my SPN this morning and she was surprised that we were already at the stage of seriously making plans to divorce and that I was feeling so good about that. She wanted to make sure that I was not hypomanic and asked me several times, but I kept assuring her that I am not and that I am not under any kind of suspicion with the people in my surroundings. I also explained my transformation to Nora to her and she only partly felt comfortable with that, because she wanted to know what happened to Irene. I said, “We leave her behind us in a little pile of ash.” I think she needs some time to think about it. I need to show her that I am a sensible woman sitting there and that I am not off chasing mind illusions. I am becoming the woman I have always wanted to be in a very calm and orderly fashion. I am patient.

My sister said, “But I will always call you Irene,” and I said, “That’s okay, as long as you introduce me as Nora.” I admit, it is a grand gesture, but it is one I need to make to fulfill a wish I have had for a long time. To become that woman and to name myself that.

Now, first I want to get the divorce done and then I want to change my name. I will automatically regain my maiden name and I still have that on all legal documents, so that is no problem. I don’t think that getting the divorce is going to take that long.

It takes 6 months to change your first name. I am sure they don’t want you to do it on a whim. It has to be a well thought over decision. The queen has to sign the final papers. It’s too bad that I don’t have any connections with the royal house. I’d have that done in no time.

In the meantime it is coming up on 10 PM Tuesday evening and I have all sorts of things left to do. There very seldom is a dull moment in my life, except for those rare moments in the wee hours of the night when I ought to be asleep and find myself in the twilight zone. I am not so much bored then as I am grumpy and in the wrong state of mind. You won’t tell anybody about that, will you? Can’t be ruining my reputation as a cheerful person.

Eduard is at work and as a result I am listening to my music full blast, well, that’s exaggerating a little bit. I just have it turned up loud enough. Such pleasure, French chansons. I think Eduard is supposed to be home at 10:30, so I will wait for him, or rather, I will not go to bed and just stay up and enjoy myself with all my little to do things.

I will publish this now and not wait to add to it in the morning. I will start something new in the morning, no doubt. I am sure something will pop up in that imaginative head of mine. Maybe I will post some pictures then also.

I don’t know when you will read this, but have yourself a good day or evening or morning, whatever it is that you are having. I will have myself a good rest of the evening and not look forward to going to bed yet. Oh bed, who wants that anyway?

Ciao…

P.S. See my other blog “Nog eens een keer een leuke weblog…”

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