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Posts Tagged ‘theExfactor’

I don’t know where the day has gone. It seems to have been extremely long and forever since I got up out of bed this morning, yet at the same time it seems like it flew by and I didn’t accomplish half the things that I wanted to. Maybe I have been trapped in a wormhole in space and I have traveled through time in a different way than I ordinarily do.

When I look back at this morning, it seems very far away, as if I am looking at it the wrong way around through binoculars. I see myself way in the distance, starting the day with a mug of coffee. Maybe people with busy lives always have that feeling, as if they are far removed from the beginning. It feels kind of discombobulating, as if I have been stretched longer than the day is wide.

This morning, at creative therapy, I uncovered all those upside down pictures I had glued down with the medium I told you about. I took a sponge with warm water and soaked each picture until I was able to rub the backs off them to reveal the image that was underneath and glued down on the paper. It was actually kind of neat, if not very time consuming, but I rubbed the paper of with my thumbs until it got all crumbly and revealed the picture that i had forgotten was there. The images are imperfect and they should be, I don’t want them to be completely intact, they have hairline scratches and frayed edges, which makes them more interesting. I did about 20 of them and I am nearly done.

Next, I’ll be applying the different layers of paint around them and maybe slightly over them. Applying and wiping away etc. I’m learning as I go along. I am sure that what I am making is going to be a masterpiece.

When I had been home for about 10 minutes, the Exfactor rang the door bell. I thought he was going to come over while I was gone in the morning, but I think he is looking for company and someone to have a cup of coffee and a conversation with. He came to get motor parts. He does that a lot, doesn’t he? Anyway, we had coffee and a conversation and then he was on his way again after he left me with a whole roll of biscuits that he had left over and wasn’t going to eat. Well, I don’t say no to those.

Then I took the Überhund to the vet, but it was not our regular vet, because he is on vacation. This time it was a female vet and the Überhund didn’t want anything to do with her. Every time she tried to look in his eye, he turned away his face and hid it under my arm. She finally determined that his eye was almost better and that I need to apply the eye drops a little while longer. She was able to take his temperature in an uncomfortable place and he didn’t seem to mind that one bit. Strange dog.

When we got home, I cleaned the apartment the French way, that is with a lick and a promise, but here we always call it the French way, because I had to go for a check up for my gastric band. I took the bus to the hospital and the bus was late , but I made it on time and then tried to check in under my married name, forgetting that I had already changed it in the administration to my maiden name. So, they had no appointment in my name, but soon everything was cleared up and my old file was found which had been lost because of the name change. It was a regular comedy of errors.

Anyway, I have lost 7 kilos and we are going to fill my gastric band one more time on the 5th of September. Usually it takes longer to get an appointment, but they happened to have an opening…

…It is now the next day as I had to stop writing, because I was so darn tired. I laid down on the sofa and promptly fell asleep. I woke up long enough to go to bed properly.

So, when I got home from the hospital, I walked the Überhund and made a shopping list and did the grocery shopping, which you should never do on an empty stomach, but I stuck to the list. It’s amazing though how quickly your shopping basket fills up and how quickly you spend the money. I had one big shopping bag full of groceries and spent 32 Euros. I still have to look at the receipt to see what I spent it all on.

Thanks to the Wise Web Woman I stumbled upon a website called StumbleUpon. It’s really neat. You fill out what sort of things you are interested in and they find the websites for you. You give those a thumbs up or down so they can narrow the search. They save the websites you like for you so that you can go back and look at them better at a later time. I have found some great websites already this way, like this one or this one. This one is also interesting.

Well, you can see what sort of addiction your computer can become when you blog and do Facebook and do StumbleUpon. I was trying to be a member of some other groups as well, but it was all too much and I quit those, fun as some of them were. Try Plurk, for instance, if you dare. It’s not for me. Too involved.

Shoot, I need to go back to bed, I think, not enough sleep yet. Kicking and screaming I will make myself go back to bed. Or drink a liter of coffee.

Anyway, you all have a good one of whatever you are having.

Ciao…

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This morning I made a mad dash into town to the lawyer, because I finally, after 3 months, got that marriage certificate I have been waiting for and which could hold up all the divorce proceedings if I did not have it. My daughter took care of me getting it in the end, but it was like pulling teeth, very painful and very slow. We should celebrate the fact that we’ve got it now, although I am waiting for the phone to ring and have the lawyer tell me that it is the wrong kind of certificate and that the Dutch courts will not accept it. Heaven forbid. I must not call disaster upon myself.

Social Services has moved to a whole new location and as a result, I do not have my monthly payment yet or the paperwork to tell me what it will be and why. The bank account is dwindling again, so they better get their act together quickly, or I will be robbing Peter again. Nor have I heard anything yet about the housing and medical care subsidies, so I will call them on Monday. Life is a bitch…

I am waiting for the Exfactor to come over as he said he would come for a visit. He has a new cast on his arm and he does not need surgery. He takes the short train ride from where he lives into town and gets around as well as he can. I guess he hobbles.

I would hate to be bothered with an arm in a cast and I have never broken anything, except for some fingers when I was doing some plumbing, by putting to much force on the wrench and having the thing slip on me. Ouch.

Yes, I am a real do it your selfer when called for. The only thing I don’t do well is drill holes into these very hard walls that we have here. In America you just punch a whole in the wall wherever, with whatever nail you’ve got. No such luck here. You need a hard stone drill bit and a very strong drill and muscle power.

I guess the Exfactor won’t be helping me hang up any movie poster any time soon. Oh well, I still can go and buy the frames and get them ready to hang. Maybe if I look at my upstairs neighbor kindly. The top upstairs neighbor who is an artist, supposedly, is really an alcoholic. I’ve met him in the stairwell and been met by fumes of alcohol and I have seen his unfocused drunken little eyes. So, he is no great asset to the building. They always put at least one loser in these apartments. He is quiet, though, and I think he has several lady friends who keep him and his apartment looking presentable. He comes and goes on a scooter and it does look a little banged up. As if he uses unmovable objects to stop against.

Now I need to take a nap…

Well, instead of taking a nap, I washed the dishes and did some laundry, which are also useful ways to squander your time, although I would have preferred the nap. It is that sort of day. It has been steadily raining all afternoon and it doesn’t look like it will stop anytime soon. I think it may be time to build the Ark of Noah and start sorting out those animals and fertile men and women.

The Exfactor was here with a very sore knee with a huge scab on it and a fluorescent yellow cast on his arm. It looked mighty impressive. he also had other assorted bruises and scabs on other parts of his arms and legs. He looked like he took a real slider.

The Überhund acted like his normal self, meaning that he nearly choked on his own little puppy sounds that he made out of happiness at seeing the Exfactor. He really makes a big deal out of it and gets himself so worked up that I have to tell him to quit. He could have an epileptic fit. The Exfactor has that effect on him always and makes him behave in crazy ways and the Überhund loses all his dignity. Luckily, the cats are cooler and only come to greet him when they are good and ready in their own sweet time, when they feel like it. Cats are so cool that way, which makes me think I have more of a cat personality than a dog one. I’d never jump up and down for joy for anybody like the Überhund does.

Anyway, we had a nice visit and I sent him off with an umbrella, although this does infringe upon his manly ego somewhat, to be seen with an umbrella, so I gave him the most masculine looking one and the one I least use myself. The Exfactor does come with an instruction booklet and I am glad that I am not the one who has to read it anymore. The Paramount can partake in that joyful activity now.

I can’t believe it is Friday again and that we will be enjoying another weekend tomorrow. It seems when you get older, time flies by quickly. It is like my life consists of very short weeks with very many weekends. I am not complaining about the weekends, but the time flying by sort of intimidates me, as it means I’m getting older faster and I am all in favor of slowing down that process. I have even started using a day cream every day to ward off wrinkles, which I will curse if they appear on my face and smear bat’s poop and toad’s slime on if it works. I’ll become a good witch and ward off evil blemishes to my face.

I’ve still got a list of rock and roll bands that I need to get the CD’s of from the library, but I don’t own a library card and I think they are 70 Euro’s, which is a little steep for my pocketbook right now. I suppose that for now I will live without this music and keep it on my wish list for the near future. I so very brightly and spritely want to stay on top of modern music and keep some sort of beat going in my body that is never allowed to die out. I need to stay on top of things all the time. I think it may be time for a little trip to Deezer and find out what the latest offerings are.

Right then, you all have yourself a really good day and a musical one if you must and keep it dry.

The trick is to not do so many rain dances, somebody ought to stop doing those.

Ciao…

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It’s very warm and muggy outside and I just vacuumed my little heart out until the sweat trickled down my back and I said, “Okay, that is enough of that! No animals deposit any more hair on the furniture until the day after tomorrow.” Ha, wishful thinking. I even turned the sofa cushions and vacuumed the reverse sides, how’s that for good housekeeping? What made me do it? I don’t know. I was hoping to find a 50 Euro bill someone might have dropped there. No such luck, of course.

I wore my skimpiest dress, which is also my favorite dress, as it is very light weight and is has the least little bit of sleeves, well you can hardly call them that, They’re more like little shoulder covers and they show my lacy black bra straps. Woo hoo.

I need to take a nap….

Well, I wanted to take a nap, but then the phone rang and it was my friend Lucien who’s mother recently died, so we spent some time talking about that and when I got off the phone I made a shopping list and went to the grocery store, where I bought some of that very good pudding I like so much and so does the Überhund.

Then I called the Exfactor to see how he is doing and then I turned on the TV to see how the Netherlands did in the horse dressure and found out that we won a gold medal, which is very gratifying and the horse and rider did beautifully to a piece of music composed especially for them by Wibi Soerjadi, a classic piano player.

Then I took a nap and the Überhund had to wake me up, because he had to go out very badly, so I took my keys and let him run outside, which he loves and sometimes I just let him do that, I don’t put him on the leash and we circle the block and stay on all the grassy areas and he thinks it is great. I just have to be careful that he doesn’t cross a street, which in his exuberance he will do.

He’s been really good about me putting his eye drops in, because he gets a reward afterwards, so not a grumble out of him. Today some junk came out of his eye and I’ll take that as a good sign. I wiped it right out and it was clear and whitish.

The Exfactor is going to the University Hospital here in town for his follow up on his broken wrist, which I think is good, because it is a very large and modern hospital with all the latest resources. They will put a new cast on his arm, because the one he has on now is quite uncomfortable. Somehow he manages on his own and can even walk to the store with his badly banged up knee to get his groceries. I am glad about that, because I would hate for him to be in a position where he needed to be taken care of. My sister offered to help him, but I think he turned her down, as he is stubborn and wants to do things on his own. He is even talking about going into work as soon as his knee gets a little better and he can move the fingers of the arm that is in the cast better.

Tomorrow morning I have ergo therapy and I am already hot and bothered about it, no, that’s from the weather, but I know she is going to discuss our lesser personality traits and I already know that I am not willing to give any of them up. To me, giving them up would mean being the opposite of them and that is how I used to be and I don’t want to be like that anymore. The only one I would find worth considering changing is the one that says I am remote or stand offish. I am friendly, but not easily approachable, but through pain and shame you get very wise and that is what 14 years of being a psychiatric patient has done for me. It has put up an invisible, but impenetrable barrier between me and my fellow human beings.

So, I will make a concession on that one, but not on the other ones. I will stay cynical and foolhardy and strict and detail oriented. I’ve worked hard to become those things and I am not going to let go of them and become less of them than what I am. I especially like being cynical, as I see people around me who are not and who are foolish and get themselves into all sorts of awkward situations.

My sister is so naive, that for 12 years she thought that dandelions were called dandy liners, because someone in America had told her that. That’s what I mean. She told me that’s what they were called a few months ago and I had to set her straight with some effort. This is just a minor example, of course. She also thinks that young bachelor men don’t go to the all naked sauna to look at naked women, they go there out of their high moral principles. Do you have a Brooklyn Bridge you want to sell or some property in Florida?

I don’t think you can get through life without being cynical. I think it is a great asset and I think back in humiliation to the time when I wasn’t and I took everything at face value.

Well, anyway…

Two cats are transfixed in front of the window by events that are not taking place in the street. They just act like there is something to look at and pretend it is of great interest to them. It could be a falling leaf. I always hate to close the curtains in the evening, because I feel that I am robbing the cats of their amusement factor and I always wonder why the Überhund never looks out the window, when all he has to do is get on his two hind feet. He absolutely shows no interest, except when people stop to look at the cats sitting there. Then he starts barking madly and scares everybody away, including the cats.

It’s time to call a halt to these proceedings. I am going to mindlessly watch some TV and eat toast. In my pajamas.

Have a great whatever you are having. Morning, afternoon or evening.

Ciao.

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I was grooming the Überhund today, combing him all over and checking for fleas by the light of the front window, when I noticed that at a certain angle of light it looked like his right eye had a dull sort of glow to it. I immediately thought of cataracts and took him to the vet at 6:30 PM. The vet took one good look at both his eyes and told me that the Überhund had cataracts in both his eyes. I asked him if that is why he bumped into things sometimes, and he said yes, if the sun is at a certain angle it will affect his vision and he wont see much. He also said that it was to be expected with a dog this age and that his own 11 year old dog has cataracts, and that he is not in favor of surgery at this age.

He also said that The Überhund has an eye infection in his right eye and I have to put in drops 6 times a day, so I am having to be very disciplined and hope for the Überhund’s cooperation.

He was really good at the vet, even though he is scared, but he is getting to know the vet and the vet has a good way of handling him and I think the Überhund is getting to be more at ease. The vet’s own dog lies under his desk very quietly and puts the other dogs at ease. I try to be as mellow as I can be to put the Überhund at ease.

Of course, the Überhund is getting old and is going to be showing all sorts of ailments now. I love him just the same for it. As long as he gets around as well as he does there is no problem. He hops and skips and runs, so he is doing alright. Just once in a while he walks kind of funny, just temporarily.

So, that was sort of the end of my day. In the middle of the day I spoke to the Exfactor on the phone and found out that he had a motorcycle accident and had broken his wrist. Apparently he slipped on some gravel on the road in Belgium and was taken to the hospital there. He is with the Paramount now, but he said he was going home tomorrow. His arm is in a cast and he may need some surgery, which I think he should have done here in the Netherlands.

In the morning I had a normal time, because I went to creative therapy and munched on good cookies that they alway have there. I was actually creative to and worked on my collage booklet. I am doing something complicated now which I won’t try to explain here. I am to tired to try. It involves a medium and putting down pictures upside down and uncovering them again.

I am so tired that I am having a huge craving for something very chocolaty and cold and creamy and very filling. I don’t have anything like that in the house, so I have to come up with something else instead.

Sorry people, I have to quit and put my pajamas on and find some comfort food.

Have an interesting eventful day, without any victims.

Ciao.

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Despite my claim to morph into a housewife yesterday, I did no such thing and decided to pretend it was a holiday and took the day off. I did go and get some groceries and wash the dishes, but then that was it for me. So you see how I really didn’t morph, because even on your holiday you need to do some simple chores to get by.

It was a quite pleasant day, because on your holiday you are not allowed to have any worries or be occupied with deeper concerns than what you are so pleasantly going to fill your day with. I did some blogging and set up a website for Single Middle Aged Women in the Netherlands. See my sidebar. It says that it is for women in the Netherlands, but anyone can join, that is why it is in English, to give it universal appeal. So come and join us if you feel that it may apply to you. Especially if you are in a less than perfect relationship. I leave the term ‘middle aged’ open to your interpretation. See if that appeals to you too.

Who says you need any other hobbies when you blog? You can be as involved as you want to be and spend hours of your day absorbed in it. Yesterday I spent some time looking for the right image for my new header and had quite a bit of fun with what that should be. I quite accidentally ran into the one it ended up being and quite like it, although I did notice that nobody commented on it. I think it has universal sex-appeal, especially with us older women, don’t you think?

I feel the same sort of languid laziness today that I had yesterday and I don’t quite know what this day is going to look like. All I need to do is go to the tobacco shop to buy some tobacco and filter tubes to make cigarettes with. I also need to vacuum, argh!

I think my mind is telling me that it needs a little break from strenuous thinking and worrying, although you could argue that a physical activity like vacuuming would do me a world of good.

The Exfactor was here again yesterday to get some forms to take to his appointment with Social Services with him. Apparently they are going to have a very serious talk with him and see what sort of financial support he can give me every month that will unburden their financial support to me. He has to prove the financial burdens he already has taken upon himself as a result of the divorce and show them he is not a bad guy trying to get out of doing his share.

Anyway, I now see the Exfactor at least twice a week and we have developed a very easygoing relationship without any strain or awkwardness. It is just like seeing a good relative come and go, but we don’t show affection. It is more like a camaraderie. I don’t know how comfortable the Paramount is with this, but it is no concern of mine.

Because i was so sidetracked with these other things, I only saw the last little bit of the opening of the Olympic Games, but guess it was quite a spectacle. I saw the man running along the wall and igniting the flame. I am kind of sorry that I missed it, as I was curious how the Chinese were going to present themselves to the world. I do have a certain amount of admiration for that.

Now don’t fall all over me because of the human rights and the conditions of many people in that country, because I am aware of that, but I am curious to see how China is going to become a more modern democratic country, as they will be forced to be. There is so much exposure to the West and so much pressure on them to do it differently. Circumstances will force the change or they will lose face and credibility. They won’t change in isolation.

Well, now I am going to get the show on the road. I really can’t have another lazy day, much as I would want to. The vacuum cleaner gently calls my name and I need to put my proper face on.

Have a great Saturday.

Ciao…

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I think it is a minor miracle that I sleep the sleep of the innocents and don’t have nightmares about an avalanche of bills coming out of the mailbox when I open it and then realize the awful shortage of money I have and the inability to pay them and the way I rob Peter to pay Paul. Instead, I very rarely remember my dreams and when I do, they are fairly benign and nothing really awful happens in them, except that an old ex pops into them every once in a while, but they are easily dealt with and cause no grief.

The shortage of money is a thing I am trying to stay optimistic about and I keep telling myself that it is a temporary situation that I am juggling with now and that I won’t be having this worry forever. So, I try to let it slide like water of a duck’s back, but I do allow myself 20 minutes a day of giving it some serious thought. Thank goodness for very good anti-anxiety pills. I would be a blathering idiot in the corner of the living room refusing to come out of hiding otherwise. They’d have to lock me up in the anti-anxiety ward.

This morning I went to the bank very early, actually the minute they opened up and before they would all be busy helping hundreds of other customers, and closed one obsolete bank account that was only costing me money. Then I called the tax office and asked them about my rent and health care subsidies and they said I should be getting those just before the 24th of August, including those for July, if all goes well. It takes the tax people 8 weeks to process a request. Bah humbug.

The housing corporation, which had promised me that they would not take my rent until the 27th of August, has taken my rent out of my account on the 4th, leaving me short 97 Euros. Luckily, my Visa card had just arrived in the mail and I ordered them to put a supply of money in my bank account, which I will pay back when I get my next welfare check. Juggling, people, I am juggling. At least the rent is paid now, although it was not supposed to be.

How to live on the edge and not get too scared by it.

Luckily, I have my trusty Uberhund who needs my love and attention and his regular walks and his dishes of rice cooked in bouillon, because he had the runs something awful, but it is now all cleared up and we are back to normal again. Tonight, he is having his regular kibbles, much to his chagrin, because he really likes rice cooked in bouillon. I think I will make that as a treat for him on the weekends, even when he is not having the runs, because he loves it so and is aware of me fixing it for him and waits for it very impatiently. The cats think they like it too and hover nearby, but they actually don’t.

I am the listening post for my sister who is going through her divorce, but it is taking a lot of time and her husband still has not moved out, causing her a lot of stress, because his new house is not furnished yet and has no curtains. All is on order, but will take several weeks to get done. I will advice her tonight that he should move out anyway and go someplace else in the meantime. My sister is practically emotionally worn down.

My older sister and I speak on the phone several times a week and try to come up with solutions, but do feel a certain amount of frustration, as it is hard to interfere in someone else’s marriage. You see how mistakes are being made all over the place and how things could be done differently, but what can you do? Gentle hints and suggestions are it. They have a rebellious teenage daughter on their hands as well.

Let me tell you, I was so blessed with my kids. They were good kids. I was very lucky in that department.

Yesterday the Exfactor came over with a bag of brownies that they sell at the film house, but these were just a little dry and they were getting rid of them. Well, they didn’t taste dry to me at all and I thoroughly enjoyed eating them. I told you I’m a chocolate junkie. It is my downfall and I ate them unashamedly right in front of the Uberhund , because dogs can’t have chocolate. It is wonderful to be sinful in the food department once in a while and my stomach was very happy.

We had some very hot days and yesterday it was almost too hot to walk the Uberhund, but today at noon, there was a thunder storm and everything cooled off a bit. There is supposed to be more coming. I don’t mind the rain and the dark clouds, even though it does get gloomy in the apartment, but there is also a sort of coziness with the lights on. Not too many though, because it is my intention to get money back from the energy company at the end of the year, even though the rates did go up. I’m such a cheapskate!

Well, I suppose I will go and see what’s on the TV now. I think I missed the news, but I am sure there is some other mind numbing program that can soothe my brain into dull happiness.

Have a good one!

Ciao…

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I can’t write about my memories all the time. My head will get stuck in them and sometimes that is not a pleasant feeling, depending on the memories. Instead, I will write about what is going on right now.

I had told you all very proudly that I had stopped taking the Temazepam during the day. Well, as of yesterday I am back on it. It didn’t quite work out the way I had hoped and I am still not back to normal. The first days there were no problems, then I got a hypo manic mood and after that I went to hell in a hand basket with obsessive thoughts and feelings of panic. I tried to keep my wits about me, but found it very hard and finally decided to go back to the Temazepam, which is slowly bringing back some peace inside of me.

I am not a happy camper. There are too many insecurities in my life right now. I still don’t have my rent and medical care subsidies. I don’t know how much my next welfare check is going to be and if it will be enough to live on, and I got word from the Sonoma County Courthouse that my notarization for the request for the marriage certificate is not good enough. On top of that the dog and the cats have fleas.

The last problem is easiest to fix and I am working on that right now with special products and lots of vacuuming and the washing of various items. I will have that problem taken care of in the shortest time.

I also thought last month that I would go with a different Internet provider, but that turned into one great big hassle with nothing but problems, so at the last minute, I decided to stay with the one I had and canceled the cancellation. At the time they told me that would be no problem, but I am waiting today for them to pull the plug on me anyway and leave me without Internet and telephone and cable TV. It will be a small miracle if everything does keep working. Light a candle for me, will you?

Such are the woes and worries of every day life and when I wasn’t taking the Temazepam I began to obsessively worry and panic about these things and could not look at them objectively and rationally anymore.

I thought the dog had a skin condition, because I never saw a flea and he scratched very selectively. I very innocently took him to the vet who soon set me straight and sent me home with a bunch of products that seem to be doing the job well.

I do notice that the Uberhund is panting a lot when we go for walks. I blamed it on the hot weather, but this morning he was doing it again and it was still cool outside. I have to keep an eye on that and see how it develops. I am thinking heart, lungs, and want to have it investigated, but I won’t run to the vet yet, because the Uberhund doesn’t enjoy it very much and we were just there.

The Exfactor and I are developing a normal relationship. he can come here for a cup of coffee and take care of whatever business needs to be taken care of and we can sit and chat and exchange thoughts in a very reasonable way. He is even starting to feel comfortable enough so he will talk about the Paramount on occasion and that is fine with me. He doesn’t have to keep that part of his life a secret from me. It isn’t necessary. I am not jealous and not out to put her in a bad daylight.

I do see that, of the two of us, I have changed the most. He is still his usual self and i don’t know if that is good, but maybe in the circle of friends that he finds himself in that is okay and he is accepted. He is still very reactionary and radical and sometimes hotheaded about issues. An anarchist a bit, whereas I am much more conventional and middle of the road, although I do have my opinions and I do swing to the left, but that is nothing special in the Netherlands. I am just an ordinary Dutch socialist woman.

Well, I must be off to the post office and the grocery store. My favorite place to hang out. There is always that endless supply of milk to get and the dog and cat food.

You all have a most pleasant day.

Ciao…

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