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Archive for January, 2007

The first day.

Today is the second day that I feel better. Maybe the Efexor is starting to do its work. I still feel like having a drink, just to make the day seem easier. Instead I took half an Oxazepam and I am now waiting for it to work.

I still don’t feel like cleaning the apartment. Just the thought of it defeats me. I wish we could have someone in to clean the bathroom. I don”t feel enthused about anything. I would like to be a bit happier, but I for now I have to settle for feeling less crazy.

I am not going to tell anyone about this weblog. I deleted my original weblog, because it became to personal and it upset my daughter, who started to worry about me very much. I don’t want that at all, so I will just keep this to myself.

I do need a record of how my days and moods are going, sort of like keeping a diary. It is hard to remember what one mood was like when you are in another one. Two days ago I was depressed and anxious, now I am feeling better and relatively calm. It is important that I see if my moods fluctuate regularly after having been stable for such a long time. The past month has been a roller coaster ride, going up and down and sideways in all directions.

It is good to keep track of things, just for my own sake.

That’s it for now…

… I am having my second screwdriver. I was washing the dishes and just felt totally defeated by the things I still have to do. I am just not able to take care of them and I really wish that someone would come and take care of them. I can’t face the day without the alcohol, even though yesterday I did. Today I wont. To hell with it…

…I’ve had four screwdrivers now and I feel as though I am floating in the beautiful blue and sunny sky. It is wonderful to feel this way. I never want to feel anything different. My psychiatrist said that it is better to just stick to the oxazepam, but I think both work just as well…

…I must have had six screwdrivers by now and it is only 1 pm. Eduard will be home in a bit. I called him to ask him to bring me another bottle of vodka. Being the kind person he is, I am sure that he will bring me one. He doesn’t seem bothered about my drinking. I don’t know why, maybe it is because he drinks wine himself all night. I wouldn’t call him an alcoholic, but still…

I am abandoning myself to the alcohol. Not being a regular drinker, it is a real good experience to feel this way I do now. I don’t want it to stop. I just took another half an oxazepam. I want to keep feeling good at all costs. I took the dog for a walk at 12 pm. I can still walk in a straight line. I don’t think anyone can tell that I am inebriated…

Eduard bought me a new bottle of vodka. He is kind that way. He said that he is not going to worry about it for now. That means I can keep on drinking like this for a while, All the better for me. I have a good buzz now. Eduard is going to fix his own dinner tonight, My contribution was to take the meat out of the freezer. Life is great when you have had numerous drinks…

…Ha ha, I had coffee with my sister this afternoon at her house and she didn’t know for one minute why I was so happy and relaxed. Good for me. I stayed for two hours, then I went home quickly to make myself a drink. I think it was a good afternoon…

…I don’t know how many screwdrivers I have had now. About eight or nine I think. It still feels very good and I have no desire to stop, even though I keep telling myself that this drink is the last one. Eduard is giving me until the end of the week and then he wants me to have my drinking under control. I don’t know, I ‘ve never been a drinker, but I am finding out that I like it very much. It is very pleasant how it makes all your bad thoughts go away…

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