Monet 2 Images number 5.

Well, what a nice way to start this Sunday morning. The Rotten Correspondent has seen fit to give me the You Make Me Smile Award, which makes me wonder if she has read all of my posts lately? Nevertheless, there must have been something endearing about them and I very gladly accept the award, of course, I am not going to let that one pass me by, and I will pass it on, as is the custom, to other equally deserving bloggers. Or should I say, more deserving bloggers? Because I love them dearly, and they hold a special place in my heart, I pass this You Make Me Smile Award on to Frances of Carpet full of Holes, Bobbie Of Great Grannie Blog and Beverley of Eleanor’s Blog. So, pick up your award from the side bar, girls, and remember that you are all well loved and have been with me from the beginning and I appreciate that. You’re a bunch of great women!

I woke up this morning on the sofa, under the yellow blanket, with Nouri laying on top of me and that was very cozy. It was four am and I felt like I had slept enough. I had been awake once at 1:30 am and found Eduard sound asleep in his chair with his book in his lap and his head nearly falling off is body. So I gently woke him and sent him off to bed He was very sweet and disoriented and had no idea at first what was going on.

I thought I was wide awake then, but I made myself some hot chocolate and was soon asleep again. I like this new habit I have of making hot chocolate. I fix it in the microwave and it is done in two minutes and it tastes great. I don’t know how many calories there are in it and I don’t want to know, because it is such a wonderful treat and it warms my stomach and makes me feel nice and drowsy and satisfies my sweet tooth also. I make it with two heaping spoons of cacao and three spoons of sugar and lots of low fat milk. It is smooth and dark and bitter and sweet all in one.

When I wake up in the morning, I feel good. There, I have said it. I just feel good, there are no worries in my head and I look forward to making coffee and lighting a cigarette and turning the computer on to read my first blogs. It is all so very uncomplicated and satisfying. They are such simple pleasures, but boy, do I enjoy them. And then they are made especially enjoyable when you receive a reward. That brings a smile to your early morning face! An award a day keeps the doctor away. Well, no, if you got that many, they would become worthless, of course. They do become very valuable when you get one sometimes when you least expect it.

Omega Mum asked me if I had ever blogged about my childhood and I think I have mentioned the odd bits every now and then, but I think because of the festivities today, I will not get into that now. Rest it to say, that I come from a pretty dysfunctional family in which neither parent behaved normally. Some other time, I will get into more details, I have to test the waters a little bit first and see how the possible reactions would be to my revealing more of this. I am never ashamed to tell things, but I do have to keep my audience in mind and their sensitivities. Maybe I should take a poll. It would be handy to have one of those poll things on the blog where people can vote. Does she tell or doesn’t she?

Yesterday turned out to be a good day when you compare it to the day before. The lowest I scored was a four and that was once in the morning when I was feeling a bit low and insecure about things. When I first woke up in the morning I rated myself at a seven, as I do now. Mostly I stayed around sixes and fives. I don’t think that is bad at all, and I don’t expect to be all sevens again yet, that will take some time, I’m sure. God forbid I should be an eight! Although I would like that very much. I think that may be a bit unrealistic and that would worry me also. Looking back in my diary, I see mostly sevens in the past and that seems like a very decent even score to have.

Yesterday afternoon Eduard went to the film house to give an extra training to some volunteers. When he left, he put on his rain suit and left on his motorcycle. Of course, right away I started to question by myself why he was going on his motorcycle and why not on his bicycle and did he need the rain suit because he was traveling far? I will have these kinds of insecurities for a while to come yet. I need to learn to trust him again and not let my imagination take over. I wonder how long that will take? I realize I am full of insecurity still and I can only rest at ease when I know exactly where he is and at what time he is coming home. I know that is no way to live and that I have to relax, but I seem unable to right now.

In the meantime I am reading The Unquiet Mind and it is a fascinating book as she manages to achieve so much in her life in spite of her disorder. Lithium works very well for her, so she is lucky that way, but still she is victim to the ups and downs that come with the disorder, yet she manages to have a very successful career in the medical profession. You wonder how it is possible? I look at my own life and see so little achievement, just a very average sort of life with nothing really outstanding and to tell you the truth, I wouldn’t even call it an average life, what am I saying? It certainly has not been an ordinary life. It’s been more like a dramatic movie script. I know one thing, I want Meryl Streep to play me in the film version! And Robert Redford can be Eduard. He is all wrinkly like Eduard too.

That reminds me that I have not been watching the film channels, which is a shame, because I am sure that all sorts of good films are passing me by. I don’t know why I have taken this hiatus from watching films, except that I find them hard to concentrate on right now. I’ll have to look in the film guide and see if there is anything really good coming on that will grab my attention.

Of course, the books I got at the book store, like The Unquiet Mind, I am all reading in Dutch, but I find that the translation is so good that it doesn’t bother me at all. I thought it would and that I would prefer to read them in English, but it is turning out to be no problem at all. Sometimes, when a book is badly translated, it is. You find yourself constantly translating it back into English, but I am not doing that now at all. In the past, when a book has been written in English, I have preferred to read it in English, but now I find I can read it in Dutch and that it doesn’t distract from the stor
y at all. Maybe that is also because my Dutch language skills are becoming better. I am getting used to the sentence constructions and the vocabulary.

Jesker is chasing Gandhi around the apartment, they are playing tag, it seems. She is the only cat he will play with. The others he just tolerates. Gandhi is allowed to sleep on his pillow with him. I don’t know why that is, but she has never been intimidated by him, so maybe that is why. Nouri loves him, but he does not love her back, the silly dog.

Well, people, this is going to be a short post. I am going to make cigarettes now, because I have run out and I have nothing left to say. Just for once I can’t be rambling on and on. I hope for a happy day and that Eduard and I will have our nice Sunday morning ritual together. With hard boiled eggs and soft white bread buns with strawberry jam.

Have a wonderful day. Remember that it is Sunday and that officially you don’t have to do anything! Ciao…

P.S. I have added a new blogger to my list of favorite bloggers and that is Jo Beaufoix who is very humorous and the mother of two little girls called Miss M and Miss E and she is married to Mr B.

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Bouquet 1 Images number 4.

Just a short update. It has been a quiet and uneventful day, for which I am very grateful. I am very happy to say that my moods have only swung from sevens to fours, which is a vast improvement over yesterday. Mostly I am hovering around sixes and fives, which I can live with, that’s not bad at all when you compare it to the twos I was having yesterday.

After I wrote my post this morning, I took all of my medication, including my Oxazepam, and walked the dog. It was nice and chilly out. When I got home, I put on my nice thick sweater and laid down on the sofa and slept for another two hours under the yellow blanket. It was very nice and when I woke up, I was mostly okay. By that time, Eduard had been to the store to do some grocery shopping. I realize, that beneath everything, there is an undercurrent of sadness, obstructing me from functioning at full power. So, things don’t get quite done the way they should, but that is okay. Mostly things get done somehow. The dog gets walked and the dishes get done and I hung up the laundry to dry finally.

Sometimes I think I am going to cry, but then the moment passes. I am glad when Eduard is home, yet at the same time it is more difficult when he is. It is a bit contradictory, I know. Lots of feelings involved there.

Now I am going to make myself a delicious cup of decaf Senseo and make some more cigarettes so I won’t run out during the night if I wake up early again. I will take my sleep medication tonight. I will also sleep on the sofa again, so far I am liking that very much, but I’ll crawl in bed with Eduard in the morning.

Ciao…

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Barnacle Images number 1 and Ultra Rapid Cycling

So, I’ve done my satisfying first round of my favorite bloggers and got to read and see some nice things. It is always a good way to start the day. I read some great answers to some curious memes. You do get to know people a little bit better that way. By the way a meme just means Me Me! It’s all about Me! It’s not some exotic French word, like I thought it was.

Yesterday was an exhausting day and that was because I was ultra rapid cycling all day long, which would not have been half as bad if in all of those moods I had realized that that was what was happening to me. Unfortunately, while I was bouncing from one extreme to another, all sense of reason left me and I could only react with a certain amount of panic at what was happening to me.

When I hit rock bottom the first time, I contacted my psychiatrist and asked him if he could please see me as soon as possible. Luckily, he had a spot open at 4:30 in the afternoon, unluckily for me, it was still morning. After having been at rock bottom for three hours, I slept for an hour and woke up feeling fine and was okay again. That lasted for about three hours and then I hit rock bottom again, so when I went to see my psychiatrist, I was crying my eyes out. I was crying on my bicycle on the way over, while, luckily, Eduard accompanied me, but then waited in the waiting room for me.

Within a half hour’s time I managed to tell him that this had been happening since September the 17th and that I didn’t know what had started it, except that I had been up then for two nights in a row, and that it had gotten worse since I had found out about Eduard’s love affair. That each mood seemed to last for about three to four hours and that it often changed after I had slept some. We talked about Eduard and his love and we talked about how I dealt with my mood changes. I told him how it was impossible for me to remember any other kind of mood once I was in one certain kind of mood. In other words, once I hit rock bottom, I can’t remember what it is like to feel happy anymore. And once I have climbed out of it and feel fine again, I forget what it feels like to be at rock bottom. I am completely one thing or the other.

He said that it was very important for me to remember that every mood had a beginning and an ending, that this was exactly what would save me. To not give in to the despair, but to try and remember that the ending would come within three hours time. But that’s very difficult when you are at your whits end and you feel like you need to be committed to the hospital. I felt very frustrated when I thought he didn’t understand me at first, but it turned out that he did and that we weren’t talking at cross purposes.

He only had a half hour to spend with me, but we got some work done in that time and one of the things he did is increase my dosage of Topamax, since this is my mood stabilizer, from 100 mg to 150 mg. Since I react to it quickly, he thinks we will see some improvement there soon, as it will keep me from swinging from one mood to another. It can be increased some more if need be. He wants me to try and keep the Oxazepam as low as I can, so really only take it when I need it and not just take it because I think it is time to.

I am seeing him again on Monday at five o’clock, when he will have an hour to spend with me. That will be good, because we haven’t sat down and talked for a long time and he needs to be updated on where I am in my life now and how well things had been going with me until recently. It’s a good thing that I have kept a little diary with all of my daily ratings. It is easy to look back and see how I have been doing these past eight months. Which has been mostly good. I was a bit hypo manic in the springtime and a bit religiously mad, which I have completely been cured off, although I must say that, when I was at my utmost lowest yesterday, I prayed to God to please help me.

By the time we got home again, I felt a bit better for having talked to my psychiatrist and seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I did feel very exhausted and took a nap on the sofa and when I woke up, I felt fine. I took my night time medications early, because I wanted the Topamax to start working, but I waited with my sleep medication until I thought I would go to sleep properly. Then I hung out with Eduard for a while and made myself some hot chocolate, which was delicious. Eduard and I talked about things a little bit and I do feel for him, because it must be upsetting for him too to see me in such a state and it isn’t very pleasant for me either to have him see me like that. So, I feel that I have to normalize things as quickly as possible.

At about ten o’clock, I fell asleep again on the sofa, without having taken my sleep medication and I woke up there in the middle of the night with the yellow blanket over me and Nouri and Gandhi next to me. I thought I might still take my sleep medication, but then decided against it and stayed up instead and visited blogs and drank coffee and smoked cigarettes. I haven’t taken an Oxazepam yet and I won’t unless I really feel that I need one. I feel amazingly good now. I would easily rate myself with a seven now and I don’t feel any of the sadness that I felt yesterday. I hope that I can stay in this mood and that there is no other mood waiting for me and I am going to take my morning medication on time also, so I will really get the benefit of it early. Knowing that my Topamax has been increased and knowing that I am going to see my psychiatrist again helps me. I feel that I am not fighting this all on my own.

For those of you who are bored with these psychiatric exertions, you have to remember that a large reason for writing this blog is to discuss the Bipolar Disorder and all the complications that come with it and the medications. I am trying to reach other people who may be going through similar situations or who know people who are going through similar situations. I think that what I have been doing is actually called ultra ultra rapid cycling, in that I rapid cycle on a daily basis, but that is such a mouth full, that I will just call it ultra rapid cycling. I pray to the God that I almost do not believe in, that I will not go through it today again.

I am supposed to go to the job market today at 10 am. I don’t know if I am going to make it, because I am also supposed to have a resume that I can hand out and I don’t have one ready. I had planned to do that yesterday and, of course, that didn’t quite work out. So, I don’t know wha
t to do now, as making a resume is quite a hard job in my case, as I have to organize all sorts of incoherent information into something meaningful. We’ll see. I don’t think I am quite up to the job yet. I plead madness.

I think I am going to take all of my medication now and also take an Oxazepam as I feel that I am ready for one now. I am beginning to feel the first twinges of stress, doubtless that is from talking about the job market and not being ready for it. I am feeling a little bit screwed up.

It’s been nice chatting like this with all of you. One sided chatting, but still…Have a wonderful day, keep a stiff upper lip and all that, talk to you soon. Ciao…

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Monet 2 Images number 6 and Everything.

Well, I slept on the sofa again and it was so comfortable that I am thinking of sleeping there always. There is nothing nicer than falling asleep there while Eduard is still sitting in his chair watching TV and me dozing off to the sound of that. And I sleep so well there also! Due to my triple layer of clothes, I am very warm and I hardly need the yellow blanket, but it is nice for Nouri to sleep on as well. Yes, I hear you all making noises that I should be sleeping in bed with Eduard, but I think he hardly misses me, for he is asleep in no time himself and doesn’t have time to miss me. And I am so comfortable on the sofa. When I wake up, I feel so good. I am right by the kitchen and the computer and already dressed and toasty warm with my socks on. And you know how much I dislike going to sleep at night, it’s a thing I really don’t look forward to lately.

Now, if I am subconsciously putting some distance between me and Eduard, I don’t know, but maybe I am and maybe that is okay for now. I am sleeping independently as if I am living on my own, for surely I would do this if I were on my own. I just like it for now and I like it better than crawling into that cold bed in the evening where I can’t get comfortable anyway for lack of proper pillows and lack of heat. The sofa is really good as it has an arm cushion that I can rest my head on and that is perfect. It is just long enough for me to stretch out on and it is just wide enough too. I like being in the living room, it is cozier than the bedroom, there is more stuff there that I am comfortable with, like the bookcase with all the books and the coffee table with all my bits of papers and pens and calender and address book and telephones. And there is always Nouri to keep me company.

Yesterday was a day of ups and downs. Sometimes I was very calm and sometimes I was a little bit of a nervous wreck, the two conditions alternated. It was a little bit like watching a scary movie, with nice quiet parts in between the really scary bits. Thus my mood fluctuates. This morning I got up and felt fine and I am trying to hold on to that feeling. I rate myself three times a day and see how my mood changes. I keep track of what is happening in the little diary and I try to write abbreviated, because I am starting to run out of room. I will have to start in a new little notebook soon. It’s a really good system and I can look back easily and see the state of my mind over the past months very quickly. I had whole weeks when I rated myself with nothing but sevens, which I think is pretty good. Even in the beginning of this week my ratings were still okay, they’ve just started getting very wobbly the last few days. Bobbie would say, the shock has worn off.

Yesterday we went to Eduard’s bank for the personal loan and we were helped by a very nice loan officer who seemed a bit more authoritative than the one we had at the other bank. She could see no reason why the loan would not go through and we are full of hope and should see the money in our account in the beginning of next week. There it will very quickly disappear again as the two large debts are paid off. We have an insurance policy to go with it, in case something were to happen to Eduard. So much wiser to do that. This was all taken care of in a half hour’s time and we rode our bikes home in the rain and got sopping wet. It couldn’t be helped.

I do finally manage to fit into a nice winter coat that I inherited from my sister in law four years ago. I had tried it on at the beginning of the summer when it did not fit me yet, but now it fits perfectly and it is a nice warm coat and I needed it yesterday. It’s a suede coat with a furry lining and very comfortable, so it will be perfect this winter. That’s a small victory for me.

I am working on my third cup of coffee now, but I am still yawning, so I think it is time for some of that nice Arabic coffee. Last night, I made myself two mugs of hot chocolate. I had cacao powder in the house and made it with sugar and hot boiling milk. It was delicious and really perked me up. I had a craving for chocolate and remembered the cacao powder sitting in the kitchen cabinet. Waste not, want not. I made it very strong as I also like dark chocolate and it was very tasty. It does fill you up, though and I didn’t have my regular snack of Melba toast, which is no great loss, because lets face it, Melba toast is pretty boring to eat.

Eduard says that I have to trust him now, but I find sometimes that I am very insecure and that trust is far away. He says that he will never have an inappropriate relationship again with X or another woman. I know he means that, but then I think, “He is only a human being and a man, and can he predict the predicaments he will get into?” If X reappears in the picture, what will happen to his feelings then? I know I am speaking out of my own insecurity and that it is going to take me some time to get over this. But there is also a bit of realism in all of this, what is that saying about, once burned, twice warned? Something like that. I am sure as heck not going to take anything for granted right now. I will stay on my toes.

Writing about it fills me with a great deal of sadness, yet I feel compelled to write about it. It’s a subject that is going to stay on my mind for awhile. Today it is only one week since I found out about it, that’s not a very long time yet. Actually, my mood is plummeting right now, so I will get off the subject.

Jesker has just been out here to greet me and have a drink of water, but now he has gone back to the bedroom. It’s probably too early for him still. He is getting a bit older and slower in the morning. He used to be ready for his walks at 6 am, but not anymore. In the wintertime, when it had been snowing, we were the first people to walk in the newly fallen snow and that is always fun. My father and I used to go for walks in the first snow of the season, which was usually in the evening and we enjoyed making the first tracks. We also used to dress up in all the scarfs and hats from the basket in the hallway and put on shows for the rest of the family. It was all pure slapstick. I used to wet comb my hair to the side and pencil a moustache under my nose and do a fair imitation of Hitler, which would have my older sister in stitches. Oh, memories…

I hope Eduard and I get our sense of humor back really fast, because that is what I miss the most. The Monty Pythonesque slapstick. The wonderful silly way of being. Like the unbearable lightness of being. If you can laugh together and be silly together, you have gained a great deal.

Well, now I have to ma
ke cigarettes, I’ll be back before you can say, nudge, nudge, wink, wink…

I wonder if the Oxazepam doesn’t just work as a tranquilizer, but also as a downer. Maybe I should be taking less of it. I will try that today and see how that works out. Probably I should not just take one first thing in the morning, but wait until I really need it. I have gotten so used to the way they make me feel, but you can have too much of a good thing too, of course. I need to discuss this with my psychiatrist. Thank goodness he knows all about the pharmaceutical end of things. He has a lot of experience with prescribing medication. I need to trust him with that and I seem to have some trust issues right now.

I am rambling, aren’t I. I am a little bit befuddled and unsettled. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with all of my feelings. They seem to go at roller coaster speed and in the same manner. I am wishing for tranquility, but I am finding it hard to get.

I am reading An Unquiet Mind now, By Kay Redfield Jamison. It is very interesting so far. I am at the beginning, before she is diagnosed and you see her go through this whole range of moods and you wonder why nobody is curious why this happens to her. She least of all. Then again, we can all be in denial, can’t we? I used to have so many moods myself and I never wondered why, I always thought they were caused by my circumstances. I only knew until recently that I am an ultra rapid cycler and I always have to keep that in mind when dealing with my moods. Sometimes it is hard to keep circumstances and tendency apart. Is it one or the other or is it a combination of both? I think sometimes it is a combination of both, as is the case now.

Well, Eduard is up and so are the animals. It’s funny how they all decide together to start the day. When suddenly there is this rush of activity and I feel that I have to be in a rush too. I start typing faster and making more mistakes, and I really don’t need to. Jesker will sit very calmly with Eduard while he eats his breakfast. The cats, on the other hand, want to be fed and I can’t ignore them. Those poor little critters that have such a tough life here!

Right, I’ll get going then. It’s been interesting rambling at you, we should do it more often! No, really, I would like to be more coherent in the future. My mind is just flitting this way and that.

Have a great day, everyone. Ciao…

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Picasso Images number 4 and Everything.

First things first. I have been tagged by Debi from Debi Cates Photo a Day, so here we go:

Name four places you have lived:

Utrecht, the Netherlands (where I was born)
Costa Mesa, California (in Mesa Verde)
Sonoma, California (where I left my heart for a while)
Maastricht, the Netherlands (where I live now)

Name four foods you like:

Tortilla chips with guacamole dip (finger licking good)
Lobster with quail (in Mexico)
Spaghetti with meatballs (in a diner in Garden Grove, CA)
My own leek pie (with meat substitute)

Name four places you have been on vacation:

Paris, France (on my own with a map of the metro)
Berlin, Germany (right after the fall of the wall)
Copenhagen, Denmark (blueberry pancakes)
Prague, Czech Republic (beautiful city)

Name four places you would rather be:
Houston, Texas (where my daughter lives)
San Francisco, California (where all the happy people live)
Soldotna, Alaska (where my son died)
Paris, France (where I need to see the rest of the museums)

I, in turn, tag Rotten Correspondent and Flowerpot. Tag, you’re it! Oh, and I tag Miss Understood also!

Well, that was a nice start to the day and I am only working on my third cup of coffee. Imagine, that much mental effort first thing in the morning! I think it is a really good exercise and that something like this should be required of a person every morning before they properly start their day. Right, watch me get tagged for all sorts of things now. Go ahead, I’m game!

I slept on the sofa last night with my clothes on and I did it on purpose, because I couldn’t think of a cozier place to sleep than there. We were watching TV and I was starting to dose off, so Eduard said, “Irene, time to go to bed, time to take your medicines.” So I got up and took my medicines and laid down on the sofa again with a book and was out like a light in two seconds. Eduard knows how impossible it is to wake me once I have fallen asleep, so he covered me with the yellow blanket and left me there, which is what I wanted in the first place. I was nice and toasty warm, because I was wearing the thick sweater that my sister had given me for my birthday and some thick socks, so I was very comfortable. And I slept so good! I didn’t wake up until 5 am, so that is a pretty good sleep for me.

Yesterday was an emotionally draining but also gratifying day. I felt very uncomfortable in the morning, very much on edge and unsettled. I managed to get an appointment with my psychiatrist for Monday and then I called my sister and told her how I was feeling and how insecure I really felt. So, we had a long conversation and she actually managed to say all the right things and when I hung up the telephone, I felt better and more able to face the day. One of the most important things she said to me was, that it was okay for me to feel sad and I guess I really needed to hear that, because when she said that, the tears started to flow and that was the first time I cried about it. This did take the ache off my heart a bit and I felt better for it.

So, when Eduard came home in the afternoon, I was able to face him with a halfway cheerful face and ask him happily how his day had gone. This was a genuine interest on my part, because I figure, the more we talk about normal things, the better, so I was happy when he told me about his day with his colleagues and the films and the school kids that had come to watch a film.

In the meantime, I was reading the book my sister had given me and that I really wanted to finish quickly to learn as much as possible about the problem as I could. I had fallen asleep on the sofa with it once and that is no reflection on the book. So I sat up and put the book on the coffee table and read it leaning over with my elbows resting on my knees. I finished it in the evening and I must say that it has been a real eye opener and that it has addressed all of the issues that I had been concerned with and things I had not even thought off. It was a lot to take in, but it was all very helpful and I wanted for Eduard to read the book also, because it could really be read by both people involved in the problem.

I put the book down, to make cigarettes and was suddenly overwhelmed by a huge sadness and started to spontaneously cry and tell Eduard how badly I felt. This led to a long conversation in which we each got to say a lot of things that were on our minds and I think it cleared up some misunderstandings and it cleared the air a lot. I had been so calm and rational all along that I don’t think that Eduard knew how hurt I was and how sad and that really shocked him into a whole different mindset. You can be too rational and calm. It makes it look as if you don’t care enough, when in fact you care very much.

Well, I couldn’t have made myself much clearer than I did last night without getting hysterical, it was just a genuine overwhelming sadness and fear of losing him. He had to know how much he meant to me and how much I was trying to figure out how much of the blame I was trying to take on myself. If I had done things differently, might that have prevented it from happening and all that. So, we talked about things like that a good deal and came to all sorts of conclusions about it.

I think all in all we are doing a good job in dealing with this. We are both staying reasonable and not becoming dramatic and overly passionate. We’re not yelling and screaming and throwing with furniture. I think we both have the other person’s best interest at heart. But it is okay to show your feelings sometimes. It is okay to not be so rational and understanding all the time. It is okay to be a human being!

I learned a lot yesterday, and I learned that, first of all, Eduard is just a man with all the limits of a man and that, despite his great intelligence, he has the frailties of a man and the desires of a man and that these frailties and desires can be a cause for him to behave a certain way, in spite of his sharp mind. I always have to remember that and never think that Eduard is any different than any other man on this earth. I’ve always put him on a pedestal and thought more of him
than I thought of anyone else, but now I am more realistic about him. I still love him equally as well, if not more, but I love him differently now and I see him differently now. He has become very human to me.

I am drinking some very good coffee now that I have made with the Senseo machine. It is dark roast Arabic coffee and it tastes very good. It’s got a very strong flavor and tastes like that thick Arabian coffee that you get in those little cups. My Turkish neighbor in Costa Mesa used to make coffee like that, that made you all hyper and walk the ceiling if you had too much of it. She used to serve that with the sweetest baklava that she made herself. Mmm, wish I had some of that now…

Eduard has left the building and is on his way to work. I walked the dog late last night, so I know I have a little bit of time yet before I have to walk him. He is sound asleep on his pillow. Nouri is sound asleep on the yellow blanket, she slept there with me all night. It is really her blanket that I borrowed. I wash it periodically to get all the cat hair off. I see Toby sitting on the dining table, but I don’t see Gandhi anywhere. She must be asleep on the bed. I think the animals are starting to hibernate a bit.

Right now I would rate myself with a five, no more than that. That is because I keep feeling such a sadness welling up in me. It comes and goes. The Oxazepam helps. It suppresses the worst of the feelings. This is the second day in a row that I have rated myself so low. I hope it isn’t a sign of things to come. I really would like to be back to my normal sevens soon. It is so much infinitely better to be cheerful in the morning and to start the day off that way. It is such a power boost. Maybe more of these cups of Arabic coffee will help.

One of the things that it said in the book was, that it will take as long as two years to get over it properly and that you have to decide together when the day is that you both say that you’ve put it all behind you now and close it with some sort of a ritual. I think we are quite capable of that. I can imagine us thinking up a proper ritual to end it with. But not yet, it is way too soon, I realize that. We both have to go through a period of mourning. Eduard needs to put this behind him and he isn’t nearly ready yet, I realize that too. One day we will be happy again, but not yet.

Well, I’ll go and walk the dog now and do all those other things that require my attention. I don’t do them whole heartily, but I will get them done nevertheless.

Have a great day, people, wherever you are, whatever you do, whoever you do it with! Ciao…

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Gauguin’s Chair Images number 7.

The small list of bloggers that I visit first thing in the morning before I write my blog is growing, that does not take into account the other bloggers that I visit later in the day. I now visit about ten bloggers first thing before I start on my own post. I do it to get in the proper mood and see if there is anything that I will be inspired by. Rima had an especially inspiring poster today that I liked very much. There was no new art today, I am afraid, except for a new painting of Diane Clancy, entitled “When was it due?” You can make of that what you will, her paintings are always whimsical and playful.

I slept rather late, as a matter of fact, it was 5:30 am when I got up, but still I need lots of coffee to get properly started. For some reason, Eduard is up already too and Jesker is laying on his pillow beside his chair. So it is all very cozy here. Eduard reads with the speed of sound, very regularly a page gets turned and if you could see his face, you would be able to see his eyes flit across the written pages.

This time I am sitting here in my bathrobe with thick socks on, I learned my lesson yesterday and will not have freezing feet again. The sun isn’t even up yet, that’s how early it is still, so it is still cold outside. Today I don’t have to go anywhere in a hurry and I am up on time, so hallelujah, I get to sit here and take my time, which I will need, because the words are coming slowly. Starting next week, I have to be at the temp agency at 9 am on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so that will make for a change of pace on those days and I wonder how much I will like that? I will have to write my posts in the afternoons. Hopefully I will have lots of interesting things to report then also, about what I learn on those days and the people I meet. I do have a very nice case manager named Olga, whom I like very much, so I am off to a good start.

After I had my appointment at the temp agency yesterday, I rode my bike over to the film house and sat in the café and had many cups of nice espresso with some good cookies, because I didn’t have breakfast or lunch yet. I had to wait for Eduard who was having his yearly functioning talk with his boss, in which he and his job performance get evaluated. That all went well and soon enough Eduard showed up and sat and had coffee with me. We halfway planned to go to the bookstore, but then decided there was not enough time left, because Eduard had to run some other errands, so we kissed and went our separate ways.

I went straight home, where I still had to clean up the apartment some and walk the dog who was waiting patiently for me and who got a good treat for that. Eduard came home a bit later, saying that he had to go back to the film house in a hurry, because he had forgotten that there was a special showing of a film for a group of school children. So, he hopped on his motorcycle and was off again. That meant that he had to work in the morning, the afternoon and the evening yesterday, so I only saw little bits of him.

I think I am taking an Oxazepam 5 times a day now, not because I am especially stressed out or anything, but because after about 3 or 4 hours I feel that I need to take another pill as I feel the other one has worn off. I start trembling with my leg when it does and that is always a sign to take a new one. It’s just a nervous little tic that I sometimes have and that I get in times of stress. If I take a new pill on time, I don’t feel the stress acutely and all is well. There is a pretty smooth passage from one pill to the next. I have some pills in a plastic baggy in my purse, so I won’t be caught unawares. My body tells me before my mind does to take another pill. When my body warns me, and I pay attention, I can tell that my mind needs it too, as I become distracted and unable to focus as well. When the pill works, I can be very calm and focused and really pay attention to what needs to be done. I really appreciate the soothing qualities of the medicine, without it making me feel like I am a zombie walking around in a trance. I function quite normally with it.

Eduard has walked Jesker and has gone to work now, giving him an early start. He seems a little preoccupied and not quite all there with his thoughts as if he has a lot on his mind. He doesn’t talk about anything specifically, though, and I will just let him be and give him his space. I am sure that when he is ready to share again, he will do so. It’s when he gets quiet like this, that I get uncomfortable, because I don’t know what is on his mind and my mind works overtime. I suppose it will take me some time to relax again.

I really think I need to make an appointment with my psychiatrist just to talk about some things. It doesn’t have to be a long appointment, but I do feel that I have to get some things off my chest. Maybe he can recommend me seeing his tandem psychologist then or not, maybe he would rather keep an eye on me himself. Okay, I just sent him an email asking for an appointment, now we’ll see what happens. I think it is better if I don’t struggle through this on my own, even though I think I am doing pretty well. My instincts tell me that I am not out of the woods yet.

My psychiatrist is actually a pretty neat human being. He has really pulled me through some hard times, when I was unreasonable and irrational and hard to work with. For a long time I saw him twice a week, but it was such a bad time, that I hardly remember what we did during all those sessions. I think he was fighting for my life and I was fighting life. He would give me instructions on things to do during the week and I would be incapable of following through on them. It was as if nothing penetrated the fog I was in. All I was, was pain. He never gave up, though. There were times when I was unkind to him, because I felt unkindly towards the whole world and that included him. I always felt remorse afterwards and somehow tried to make up for that. He always let me. I think there must have been times when he would have rather see me go then come, but he never let me know that.

Now, our contact consists mainly of emails and sometimes, about once or twice a year, I go see him, just to check in and to say hello and how is it going. He prescribes most of my medication for 3 month periods, except for the sleep medication and the Oxazepam, I only get that for a month at the time. It is probably too dangerous to have too much of that medication in the house, alth
ough I don’t have any suicidal tendencies and haven’t for a long time. Now, with my gastric band, I wouldn’t even try anything like that again anyway. Imagine the complications I would get then! No, there is no need to worry about that any longer, thank goodness.

The point of the story is, that when you think everything is black and bleak and without light and hope and you never think you will feel one bit of happiness again, then don’t despair, because things can turn around. You will be happy again one day, even when sad things happen, you will see your way through them and come out as a whole person in the end. I am the living proof of that.

I hear the school children rushing by with their mothers, trying to get to the elementary school on time. Cars drive by quickly with impatient parents in them. You always hope that no accidents will happen, because it is such a rush here in the morning at this time. The school doesn’t have proper parking and there isn’t enough room for all the people who drop off their children by car. Then there are all the children that walk and you are afraid they will get run over. I try never to walk the dog at this time, because it only adds to the pandemonium. Jesker is always so curious and wants to sniff every child that we pass. Some of them are scared of dogs, so I keep him on a short leash then. Luckily, he is very contently sleeping on his pillow now.

On the day we got Jesker, Eduard had to get him from the animal shelter in Heerlen by train. It was raining that day and when they came home, Jesker was sopping wet. He was such a pathetic looking dog. So wet and so unsure of himself. I fell in love with him right away, though. He needed to be groomed and cut and he needed a good shampoo. At first he was very quiet and subdued, but he attached himself to us very quickly. At first, he attached himself to me, but later on he decided that Eduard was the ‘Alpha dog’. Now, when Eduard is home, Jesker follows him wherever Eduard goes and he is very excited when Eduard comes home. He listens equally well to the both of us, though, as a matter of fact, he listens better to me, because I always have treats as rewards for him. We’ve had him for more than three years now and I can’t imagine doing without him. He is such a good companion and such a good dog. He is, by far, the best dog I have ever had.

Well, not to make a long story short, but I think I am going to, because I can’t think of anything to add. I am just a little bit unsettled and won’t rest easily until I hear from my psychiatrist. Suddenly, getting that appointment has become very important. I think I’ve got some things on my mind. I’m off to read some other blogs. Oh yes, before I forget, there is a woman who writes about food in a very humorous way. The blog is called Pig in the Kitchen and I will add her to my list of favorites. The recipes are for people with allergies, but they sound delicious and well worth trying.

Okay folks, have a good one, talk to you all soon again. Ciao…

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Bewerkte Pisa Deur Images number 1 and Two Poems.

Louise Bogan (1897-1970) Poet, translator, editor and poetry critic.

MEN LOVED WHOLLY BEYOND WISDOM.

Men loved wholly beyond wisdom
Have the staff without the banner
Like a fire in a dry thicket
Rising within women’s eyes
Is the love men must return.
Heart, so subtle now, and trembling,
What a marvel to be wise,
To love never in this manner!
To be quiet in the fern
Like a thing gone dead and still,
Listening to the prisoned cricket
Shake its terrible, dissembling
Music in the granite hill.

WOMEN.

Women have no wilderness in them,
They are provident instead,
Content in the tight hot cell of their hearts
To eat dusty bread.

They do not see cattle cropping red winter grass,
They do not hear
Snow water going down under culverts
Shallow and clear.

They wait, when they should turn to journeys,
They stiffen, when they should bend.
They use against themselves that benevolence
To which no man is friend.

They cannot think of so many crops to a field
Or of clean wood cleft by an axe.
Their love is an eager meaninglessness
Too tense, or too lax.

They hear in every whisper that speaks to them
A shout and a cry.
As like as not, when they take life over their door-sills
They should let it go by.

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Blue Flower Images number 6 and Everything.

I can’t believe I slept until 7:30 this morning! Of course, I went to bed late last night, because I waited up for Eduard, but still. There were a couple of instances when I woke up during the night, when I could have gotten up, but I turned over and went back to sleep. I was clutching a package of Melba toast all the while, which was really funny, because I know I was trying to eat it, but couldn’t, of course, because I would take a bite and then fall asleep before I could chew it. Such is my connection to food, that I even hang on to it tightly in my sleep!

So, this morning we are all getting ready in a rush. Eduard is quickly eating his breakfast and the dog is quickly following him around the kitchen. The cats are meowing about their food. I just remembered I have an appointment with the re-entry people at the temp agency, but it is not until twelve o’clock, so I have some time still. Which is good, because I would hate to be rushing about just right now. I need a little bit of computer time before I start my day.

I have visited other people’s blogs in a bit of a rush, but luckily, for some reason, there was not that much new stuff there, so I could quickly move along. I have found some new blogs that look promising, but I will visit them a few more times before I add them to my list of favorites and recommend them to you. One blog seems to deal with food a lot, which may be interesting, even for me who can eat so little, but who still thinks it is fun to read about. But I only visit the blogs of my most favorite people first thing in the morning, the rest I save until later in the day when I have more time.

I have fed the cats and let the dog pee against the winter blooming jasmine on the patio, so the immediate pressure is off for now. Eduard just came rushing back in because he had forgotten his telephone and then rushed out again. Now everything is quiet and peaceful for just a little while.

I had fallen asleep on the sofa last night when Eduard came home. There was no way I could have stayed awake that late and I made myself a cup of decaf Senseo when I woke up. Eduard was quite cheerful, which he often is when he has had a fun evening at work with his volunteers. Not all of the job is drudgery, as a matter of fact, very little of it is, I think that’s why he enjoys going to work so much. It has a large social aspect. There is a lot of interaction with the volunteers and then there is the interaction with the public that stays and has drinks in the café after watching the films. Eduard gets a lot of immediate feedback this way by talking to people and knows a lot about how well a film is received by the public without actually having seen the whole thing himself. Eduard sees the beginning, the middle and the ending of most of the films he shows. He very rarely sees the whole thing, because he is always busy starting and stopping and checking on other films. But he can tell you if a film is good.

The coffee is starting to taste good this morning, that is a good sign, doubtless this is because I had enough sleep. I am always very thirsty in the morning, which is probably a side effect of my medication, so I drink many cups. I can’t remember when I started drinking coffee in my life, but I must have been quite young, because I don’t remember not drinking it, although when I was little we drank a lot of tea. My mother always had tea waiting for us when we came home from school in the afternoon on a tea light with a little candle in it. I thought this was so cozy and the tea was especially good with sugar in it. I still drink my tea with sugar in it, I think that is such a small sin that it is allowable.

I just remembered that I still have to pass on my intellectually stimulating award and I still have no idea who to give it too. All the obvious people have already received it, so I have to come up with someone brand new. I hope to discover someone in the other blogs. It will take some time to figure that one out and I hope you will all bear with me while I think about that one. Just don’t let me forget it.

There is going to be a job market in a place not to far from here on Sunday. Different companies and temp agencies are going to be there with jobs on offer and it is recommended that I go there with my resume. Of course, I don’t have a resume, we haven’t got to that point yet in my training circuit and I will just have to go without and see what is available. I will discuss this with the re-entry people today. I wouldn’t have a clue what to put on my resume, as pretty much all I have ever done is volunteer work in the States. I am such an inexperienced person officially, unofficially I do know about things, but I don’t know if that counts. Does writing a weblog count, for instance? Has experience with the English language!

Jesker is sound asleep on his pillow, which leads me to believe that I can sit here for a while longer yet. Which is good, because I am not nearly ready to get going yet. It does feel good to sit here in this old gray terrycloth bathrobe and be all toasty warm in it while my feet are freezing. That is because the windows are still open and it is getting colder at night with fall approaching rapidly. Some of the trees are changing color. This is pretty to see, but a bit sad at the same time, knowing that, before long, they will all be bare. It doesn’t seem that long ago that it was springtime and we were watching the first green nobs appear on all the trees and bushes. Time does go by quickly as you get older, it seems.

I do appreciate the changing of the seasons, as this was less noticeable in California, especially in Southern California. There you just had one long season interrupted briefly by a rainy season, but it didn’t get cold. Here you really notice the four seasons, although lately winter has seems more like a large extended fall. But you do really get a springtime with all the promise of new life that holds. When suddenly you see little green things popping out of the dark wet earth and you see that vague veil of green on the trees. And you really do see lambs and calves in the meadows, that’s still true for some areas of the countryside. Then there is nothing better than to go for a walk through the woods and through the meadows, over the sopping wet muddy paths and see spring erupting all around you. The first flowers are the tiniest and you have to bend over to see them. The streams are full with rainwater and run quickly. The meadows are becoming very green and the first cows and sheep are put out to pasture. It’s really great when the apple orchards start
to bloom and coat the hillside in pink blossoms.

I really and truly am not a wintertime person, although I remember having a lot of fun as a child playing in the snow and skating on natural ice. Maybe the winters were colder then and there was more opportunity to do those things. I hated riding my bike to high school in the cold and never being warm enough. My gloves were always to thin and my skirts to short and my tights not warm enough. I think when you are bound to be a depressive person, this starts when you are a pre-teen and that is how I remember those years. My teenage years were full of emotional turmoil of up and down moods and a lot of panic attacks at school, of which I didn’t know the name or the cause, nor did anyone else. They just thought I was a weird girl.

I feel especially good today and I am full of good hope. After such a nice long sleep, I feel the worst of it is over and I can start the day refreshed and with lots of good cheer. What’s that line of that song? “I can see clearly now the rain is gone?” Something like that. It’s time to get the rest of the show on the road again and not sit here and mope anymore. Time is not to be wasted, life is waiting to be lived. All things will pass and come to an end.

If we weren’t so darn broke, I would go and meet Eduard in town and celebrate with a good espresso and a nice piece of fruit vlaai with whipped cream, but it will have to wait until another day. Besides, I can’t eat a whole piece of vlaai anymore, that’s already been proved. Eduard still has his gift certificates for books, so we still get to go to that excellent book store to buy books for him and that should be a lot of fun. I will help him pick out the books I like best. No, just kidding! He will pick out the books he likes best and I will try to guide him just a little bit. Not that I am a woman of influence or anything, no, not at all!

One time I had gotten gift certificates for books and I spend them all to buy my sister an excellent cookbook for her birthday. She really likes to cook and makes excellent dishes and I couldn’t think of a better way to spend the certificates. She was happy and I was happy. My niece is kind of a kitchen princess too and has been cooking since she was a little girl. My daughter is an excellent cook and she didn’t learn any of that from me, she is all self taught. I never had the children in the kitchen to cook when they were little, I didn’t enjoy cooking that much then and at the most made chocolate chip cookies with them, which then turned the kitchen into a huge mess. I do remember that!

I would enjoy cooking more if my kitchen were a little bit bigger, but I do enjoy cooking for other people. When I had the large kitchen at David’s house, we gave a lot of dinner parties and I always enjoyed those very much. I really came into my own then. I was not afraid to try new recipes and exotic ingredients. I do remember one fiasco in which I made Indian food for a couple who came to dinner and I had used lots of curry and it turned out that that was the one thing that the man didn’t like. So that was quite embarrassing. I think we gave him a Lean Cuisine. So, you should always check for the likes and dislikes for food when you have people over and check for any allergies. Like allergies for dairy foods, which are quite common, and then you can’t cook in butter.

Well, now I really have to get going and get dressed and walk the dog and do the other things before my appointment in town. It looks like it is going to be a nice day out, The sky is blue, the sun is shining and maybe I won’t need a jacket. That would be nice.

Have a great day, people. Always look on the bright side of life, ciao…

P.S. I have added another blog to my list of favorite blogs. It is called Flowerpot Days. Quite amusingly written and the lady owns a cat and a dog and writes about them and other things very entertainingly.

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Bewerkte Gele Bloem 2 Images number 1

There is a mixture of optimism and sadness in this apartment. Sometimes the one has the upper hand and sometimes the other. Sometimes I look at Eduard and I feel so sorry for him, because I see him sitting there, lost in his thoughts, pondering big issues and having a hard time with it obviously. I ask him how he is and he jokingly answers that he has to sit on the blisters for awhile, but his face speaks volumes, sort to say. I feel that sort of a heaviness has settled over us and we are both trying to square our shoulders under the weight of it. We both have strong shoulders, no doubt about that, but the weight is there anyway.

Eduard came home early this afternoon. He had not slept much last night and had spent a good deal of time tossing and turning and then got up too early for him. Since he has to work late tonight probably, he came home early and managed to take an nap. We hug and kiss and hope it is enough for now. I told him this afternoon, “I give you the choice again today, if you want to change your mind and if you want to go to her, then please go now, don’t let me stand in your way, don’t let me be the one to stop you.”

I don’t want to be the one who stops him from making up his mind freely. I feel the decision really has to come from him and him alone. He has to know what he wants and he may want to re-examine his feelings anywhere along the line, I can’t and won’t stop him from doing that. I will not keep him here against his will. I know that he struggles with his feelings and I know that we are not out of the woods yet, so in the meantime I am just trying to be very realistic. The worst thing for me to do would be to keep him here when he doesn’t want to be here.

I talked to my sister this evening and gave her a short update on how things are here. I told her, “We seem to be so sad!” And she said that it was a shame that I did not have anybody to talk to about my feelings in all of this. I know what she means, but I also feel that somehow I will get through this. I am talking through my blog, that helps. I actually started to feel more optimistic this afternoon for a while, I got a bit of my bounce back and I thought, “I can fight this!” But then that gloomy feeling settles over me again and I try to live with that.

I had affairs in my first marriage, when to me things were as good as over and I hardly saw my husband anymore and I felt like I was pretty much on my own. I fell in love several times, of course, and every time I thought I had found my knight in shining armor. Nothing could be further from the truth. I only found men who thought it was interesting to have an adventure with a young good looking blond Dutch woman and that is all they wanted me for. There never was a rose garden, no matter how much I wanted that and no matter how much I pretended that I didn’t want that at all, because here I was, mature and sophisticated and surely I could handle an affair, couldn’t I? No, I really couldn’t, because I was looking for more, I was looking for my big love, for the man to rescue me from my less than happy circumstances. I felt a lot of heartache in those years. I know about heartache, so I know about Eduard’s heartache, I think.

I broke off my affairs when it became clear to me that they would lead to absolutely nothing at all and went back to my pitiful life that I barely managed to keep going. I had children and I couldn’t just pack my bags and leave. I did have some sense of responsibility and decorum. The children were little and needed their father, little as he was there for them. I had no money and no prospects, so I stayed. But I know what it is to be in love and to have it beyond your reach, I am no stranger to that. That’s why I have a lot of compassion in this case. It can happen to anybody.

Eduard really blames himself and spends quite a bit of time beating himself up over it. I tell him it isn’t necessary, but he feels that he has to make some sort of atonement. I think he would have liked it better if I had become very furious at him, but I didn’t have it in me. I think he wants his punishment, which is a very Calvinistic point of view of crime and punishment, but I think it isn’t necessary. Eduard is not a bad human being, he is just a man with all the pleasant and unpleasant aspects that come with that. He is not holy, by any means. He is merely a man.

As a result I know one thing for sure, falling in love is not a simple thing to do, it is easily done, but not easily dealt with, unless you are heartless and don’t care about hurting people. I think Eduard’s conscience is too big and he couldn’t really pull it off anyway, or he might have for a while, but sooner or later it would have caught up with him. I think that maybe she wanted a relationship in which he would be married to me, but spend his spare time with her. I don’t know if she wanted anything else beyond this. Personally, I can’t imagine someone not wanting to keep Eduard permanently once you have him temporarily. Having Eduard part time, makes you want to have him all the time. At least, that’s the way it was for me.

Maybe I should have the courage to say,”Sure, you can have him part time, go ahead, see how you like him, see how much you appreciate him.” Sometimes I think I have that courage and I think I should just let them figure it out for themselves. I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself. Then they would be able to find out how many of their feelings are true and genuine and lasting and if they can lead to anything permanent. I would just need for Eduard to support me financially for a while, because I have no job yet and I can’t support myself as yet. Would a really courageous woman do that? Or would a really stupid woman do that? What do you say, people?

Actually, I would like everything back to the way it was last week, before this bomb was dropped. I would like my sense of security back and my sense of peace and quiet. I would like everything back to a dull roar. Have you ever heard a dull roar? I think it must sound like that sound they pick up in the ether that’s left over from the Big Bang. Or sort of the roar of Gods voice when he created the universe. Or the sound of a waterfall when you are almost near it.

I have to call Eduard in a while to find out if he is going to be late tonight and then make a decision about if I am going to stay up and wait for him. I would like to wait up for him and see his sad face and cheer it up a bit. I have no idea what is on the TV tonight, but then there is
my sister’s book that I should be reading, so I could stay up and do that. After having written all of this, I do feel an enormous sense of calm. I feel like I have had a session with a good therapist.

I may want to ask my psychiatrist about having therapy sessions with the psychologist who works in tandem with him. It is possible that I will be able to have some really good talks with her. I don’t know what her schedule is like, if she is really busy and if there would be room for me, but it may be worth the try. Maybe it would be good to get some input from a new person and I have met her in the past and have gotten along with her just fine. It is something I have to think about doing, it would require some amount of commitment on my part, you can’t be half arsed about these things. I’ll sleep on it a bit.

Due to circumstances, it is now not possible to post anonymously to my posts, so you do have to register if you want to comment. I have also re instated script recognition and I hope this doesn’t cause people’s comments to disappear, so you may want to check and see if your comment actually does show up here when you place it. I aim to please my best readers.

You know how I have the cluster map on my blog now? It is really a lot of fun to see the little dots show up on the picture of the earth, but I also have Statcounter, where I can get all sorts of interesting information about the amount of visitors and where they come from. It is pretty interesting in that it can show visitors paths and I can see where someone checked into my blog and how long they stayed there and at what time and on what date. It even shows the name of the town and the state and the country. The only thing it doesn’t tell me is your name, but I can guess sometimes. Sometimes it is pretty obvious. It’s really neat what they can do with technology nowadays.

Well, that about brings me to the end of my words for now. It has really helped to sit here and write this. I can see things a lot more clearly now. Call me Irene the Braveheart.

Have a great rest of the day and a good night. Ciao, people…

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Appel 2 Images number 5 and Contemplation.

I have been sitting here for a while, drinking coffee, chatting with my daughter who had spent the weekend with her boyfriend and who had just now gotten up to date on my blog, so she was full of curiosity about how I was doing. Luckily, I could put her mind at ease and tell her that I am doing fine. She is doing well too, but had twisted her ankle badly and now it is black and blue and she can’t really walk on it, so she will have to keep an eye on it and have it x-rayed if it doesn’t improve quickly. She was running in her high heeled shoes and that didn’t quite work out right. Never run in your high heeled shoes! They are only to look pretty in!

It is nice to be able to chat with her in the early morning hours when it is too early to make a phone call for fear of waking up Eduard. She does type fast, though, and I try to keep up with her, but I end up making a lot of typing mistakes, which then make things look rather funny, but she understands what I mean anyway. I will talk to her over the phone when it is morning for her.

Eduard has been up to get a cup of coffee, but has gone back to bed to sleep some more. It is early still, but the trash men are already coming by to pick up the trash. It’s a typical Monday morning when everybody has to go back to work and get all their numerous shows on the road. You hear cars leaving very early in the morning and wonder where those people are off to so early. Some people are early birds…

I got up at four am myself this morning, which is not such an unusual time and I went to bed on time last night, after having fallen asleep on the sofa. It does make me sound like an old lady, doesn’t it? All these naps I take on the sofa? It doesn’t worry me, though, I don’t think I sleep excessively much, I just do it at odd times. My friend Lucien always thinks I need to talk to my psychiatrist about my odd sleeping habits, but I don’t see much point in it. It has been this way for years now and I don’t think there will be much he can do about it. She also thinks it is odd that I have not made an appointment with him about the ultra rapid cycling, but I told her there really is no need, because there isn’t much to discuss. I do it and nobody knows why and that’s pretty much the end of it. I will try to look for clues in my life, but I can do that on my own and with the help of the people around me. I don’t need the active presence of my psychiatrist in this.

Yesterday evening I felt a bit off and I rated myself with a four, but I think that is mainly from fatigue and the catching up of events from the days previous. There is only so much you can digest all at once, after all, and then you need a break and you need to go to sleep. Sleep is a great savior, even when I dislike going to bed so much, I know I need to do it, because I know I need that shut eye just like anybody else. I would really become deregulated if I tried to stay up all night like I did last week. Although that did have its attractions too, but I think it did hurt me in the end.

I don’t know where this dislike for going to sleep has come from, but it may be from when I was always depressed and spent a lot of time in bed. I’ve come to associate laying in bed with being depressed and I think that is why I get up so quickly in the morning. When I was very depressed I was unable to get up and stay up.

The coffee doesn’t have its magical qualities this morning, nor do the cigarettes. The elves must not have been here during the night. You can’t expect those little dudes to come by every night, of course. I suppose the normal condition of woman is to not always be rushing with happiness, but to feel just plain ordinariness too. When your mood is neither here nor there. When it can go either way. I must admit that I like the highs of the happiness the most and I would wish to start every day with them, as it gives me such good hopes for the rest of the day.

In the meantime, Eduard has gotten up and so have the dog and the cats. The dog is looking at me accusingly, as if I should be taking him out already, but I know we have time yet. It is still early. I think he is trying to read my mind, either that, or he is trying to influence my mind. I wonder if cocker spaniels know how to do that? I don’t think they are that bright! The cats on the other hand do get to you with their hypnotic stare. You feel their piercing eyes in the back of your neck. I know I will get up in a minute to feed them and get that over and done with.

It is very difficult to type one handed and to pet your dog with the other hand. Sometimes it must be done to humor the animal a bit. He doesn’t realize what you are doing and tries to be very patient with you. Oh, this is great, Eduard is going to walk Jesker for me. That’s nice, now I don’t have to rush to get dressed yet. Phew, that’s a nice break for me.

So, now I have fed the cats and I can just leisurely finish typing this.

Well, instead of typing I have been sitting here ruminating about life and about Eduard and me. About our life together and about how we are in the end each other’s best friend and how my daughter said that that’s what she felt with her boyfriend too, that he is her best friend. That seems to be an important ingredient to a good relationship. To a relationship that can withstand some hardships. When I was going through my worst of times, Eduard always stuck with me, he never let me down. He was so loyal and so steadfast and dependable. He really could have said then and there, “Listen lady, I didn’t sign on for any of this.” But he didn’t. He stayed by my side and helped me see it through even when I thought there was no end in sight. I love him extra for that, of course, you can’t help but feel extra love in those circumstances.

Now I have the feeling that I have to stick with him, that I need to be as loyal to him as he was to me. That we are, first and foremost, a team and that as a team we solve problems together. When one of us drops by the wayside, the other one stops and picks him/her up and together we continue our way. Maybe this all sounds very idealistic, but it is the basic premise on which our marriage is built. I know we may be in for some rough times, but if we stick together, we will be fine and we will survive it together. I am not making any excuses for Eduard, nor is Eduard making any excuses for himself, he is taking full responsibility, we’ve just decided to tackle the problem together and to see it through together.

I guess what I am saying is, that Eduard and I have a long history together, we’ve been through a lot and always come out okay in the end
.

Well, now I have to pause for a minute and make some cigarettes as I have just smoked the last one. I will be back in a jiffy…

Okay, done that and put on some clothes, because I can’t sit here in my bathrobe all morning. Well, I could, of course, but I won’t.

I really don’t know what else to talk about. I have no news other than to say that I think today will be a quiet day and time for some laundry and some ironing. I can’t seem to get the right mood in my hands and that bothers me. It escapes me right now. If I had to give myself a rating now it would be a five and that is very low for a morning rating. Lots of things are bothering me, but they are all fleeting thoughts and unnamed discomforts. Some thing’s rotten in Denmark!

Have a great day, you people. Don’t get caught unawares in your feelings. Stay on your toes. And for heaven’s sake, be good for goodness sake! Ciao…

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