Where?

I don’t know where the day has gone. It seems to have been extremely long and forever since I got up out of bed this morning, yet at the same time it seems like it flew by and I didn’t accomplish half the things that I wanted to. Maybe I have been trapped in a wormhole in space and I have traveled through time in a different way than I ordinarily do.

When I look back at this morning, it seems very far away, as if I am looking at it the wrong way around through binoculars. I see myself way in the distance, starting the day with a mug of coffee. Maybe people with busy lives always have that feeling, as if they are far removed from the beginning. It feels kind of discombobulating, as if I have been stretched longer than the day is wide.

This morning, at creative therapy, I uncovered all those upside down pictures I had glued down with the medium I told you about. I took a sponge with warm water and soaked each picture until I was able to rub the backs off them to reveal the image that was underneath and glued down on the paper. It was actually kind of neat, if not very time consuming, but I rubbed the paper of with my thumbs until it got all crumbly and revealed the picture that i had forgotten was there. The images are imperfect and they should be, I don’t want them to be completely intact, they have hairline scratches and frayed edges, which makes them more interesting. I did about 20 of them and I am nearly done.

Next, I’ll be applying the different layers of paint around them and maybe slightly over them. Applying and wiping away etc. I’m learning as I go along. I am sure that what I am making is going to be a masterpiece.

When I had been home for about 10 minutes, the Exfactor rang the door bell. I thought he was going to come over while I was gone in the morning, but I think he is looking for company and someone to have a cup of coffee and a conversation with. He came to get motor parts. He does that a lot, doesn’t he? Anyway, we had coffee and a conversation and then he was on his way again after he left me with a whole roll of biscuits that he had left over and wasn’t going to eat. Well, I don’t say no to those.

Then I took the Überhund to the vet, but it was not our regular vet, because he is on vacation. This time it was a female vet and the Überhund didn’t want anything to do with her. Every time she tried to look in his eye, he turned away his face and hid it under my arm. She finally determined that his eye was almost better and that I need to apply the eye drops a little while longer. She was able to take his temperature in an uncomfortable place and he didn’t seem to mind that one bit. Strange dog.

When we got home, I cleaned the apartment the French way, that is with a lick and a promise, but here we always call it the French way, because I had to go for a check up for my gastric band. I took the bus to the hospital and the bus was late , but I made it on time and then tried to check in under my married name, forgetting that I had already changed it in the administration to my maiden name. So, they had no appointment in my name, but soon everything was cleared up and my old file was found which had been lost because of the name change. It was a regular comedy of errors.

Anyway, I have lost 7 kilos and we are going to fill my gastric band one more time on the 5th of September. Usually it takes longer to get an appointment, but they happened to have an opening…

…It is now the next day as I had to stop writing, because I was so darn tired. I laid down on the sofa and promptly fell asleep. I woke up long enough to go to bed properly.

So, when I got home from the hospital, I walked the Überhund and made a shopping list and did the grocery shopping, which you should never do on an empty stomach, but I stuck to the list. It’s amazing though how quickly your shopping basket fills up and how quickly you spend the money. I had one big shopping bag full of groceries and spent 32 Euros. I still have to look at the receipt to see what I spent it all on.

Thanks to the Wise Web Woman I stumbled upon a website called StumbleUpon. It’s really neat. You fill out what sort of things you are interested in and they find the websites for you. You give those a thumbs up or down so they can narrow the search. They save the websites you like for you so that you can go back and look at them better at a later time. I have found some great websites already this way, like this one or this one. This one is also interesting.

Well, you can see what sort of addiction your computer can become when you blog and do Facebook and do StumbleUpon. I was trying to be a member of some other groups as well, but it was all too much and I quit those, fun as some of them were. Try Plurk, for instance, if you dare. It’s not for me. Too involved.

Shoot, I need to go back to bed, I think, not enough sleep yet. Kicking and screaming I will make myself go back to bed. Or drink a liter of coffee.

Anyway, you all have a good one of whatever you are having.

Ciao…

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No way, no go…

For those of you who were looking forward to read all about my adventurous journey to Amsterdam, I have to disappoint you, because I didn’t go.

I woke up at 4 AM and dreaded the thought that I had to go all the way there and just could not find the motivation to and was hoping there was a way to get out of it. I called my daughter in Texas and asked her if there was any other way to get my request for the marriage certificate notarized. She said, yes, if I could find a competent and recognized notary in Maastricht, then that would do also.

Of course, I reached for the yellow pages immediately and started my search and soon found one that I thought would do and when it was a decent enough hour I called and made an appointment, which I was able to get this afternoon. Notaries are university educated people who do estate planning and last wills and testaments and make up contracts. They usually have their offices in the most beautiful old buildings in town. This one did too.

Anyway, my request was notarized and it will have to be good enough. They even notarized a copy of my passport. If this is not good enough, I will travel to Sonoma County and pick the darn thing up myself.

The rest of the day was spent walking around in the heat with the Uberhund and riding my bike to the store to make copies of important papers for Social Services and to do groceries, again. I drink a liter of milk a day, so I constantly have to replenish the supply and then there is always cat and dog food to get and fresh bread.

It’s very warm outside. Tomorrow it is going to be equally warm with rain and thunder storms. That should be quite a spectacle. I am already planning on wearing the least amount of clothes, because I was overdressed today. Trying to make a good impression on the notary.

I have lost 8 kilos since I have told the Exfactor that I wanted a divorce. Don’t worry, I am not starving myself. I eat when I am hungry, but my little stomach gets full very quickly. Today, for lunch, I had pudding with berry sauce and it went down well. Those kinds of foods always go down easy. Sometimes I let myself have a treat.

I have stopped taking the Temazepam during the day and have found no averse effects from it.  I am as calm as I was before. I take one 10 mg pill at night before I go to sleep and I sleep better. It is so nice to go to bed and feel myself getting drowsy and hear my book plunk down on the floor beside the bed.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for you today. Positively boring, isn’t it? I tell you, there is no drama in my life anymore. I am turning into just your everyday boring old blogger. Pretty soon I’ll have to start making up events to keep your attention.

Ciao….

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Lazy Sunday.

The Uberhund and I just came back from our midday walk and the only interesting person we met was a very anorexic looking woman who looked like she would be carried away by the least bit of wind. She didn’t look so good and I suspect drugs are involved too and I thank my lucky stars for the state of affairs of my life when I see how much worse it can be. At east I am a hefty looking woman on legal medication with a roof over my head.

Speaking of which, the dress I am wearing today is definitely getting to big on me and I suspect that I won’t be wearing it too many more times, unless I wear it a lot in the very near future.  It’s gaping in the back and I can pull it at the waste and stick in a skinny person.  I could be pregnant in it easily, but that miracle isn’t going to take place, so I will have to kiss this sweetheart of a dress goodbye soon. That breaks my heart just a little bit, because I like it a lot.

I have a belt with many holes in it and I just keep moving up holes and hitching it tighter, which is a very pleasurable thing to do.  I love all my clothes and many of them I will keep wearing for a while yet. I planned them that way, so that even if I lose the next 5 kilos, my clothes will still look good. I would hate to have to spend my precious money on a new wardrobe and have to give away the clothes i have, because I am so attached to them.

I like nothing better than standing in front of the closet in the morning and deciding what I am going to wear and having ample choice. Oh, I then I forget the clothes that are in the ironing basket.  I must get them done and increase the possibilities.  Isn’t it wonderful? The cats always take the opportunity to climb into the closet and can only be pulled out with much effort while they cling to the neatly folded t-shirts and sweaters. They try to hide in the very top and have been known to spend the whole day locked up in there. Not a peep out of them.

Now that I have my necklaces hanging up so neatly on the children’s coat rack, choosing one of them to go with the right outfit has become much easier too, although I have to admit that I have my favorites and I clearly see which way my style in them goes, so I must look for more like them. The only problem is, that that is one item that they never have on sale in my favorite clothes store. They figure those items sell themselves always, and they do, like hotcakes.

You see how I spend no money on books, but I do spend money on clothes. I am a vain person and I like buying clothes better than anything. I don’t dawdle when I am in a store and try on a dozen things. I go straight for the target, find the right size and pay for it. That’s how full of confidence I am. That’s why I like to shop only at one or two stores. Then I know all about their sizes and if they fit and if the quality is good and if they have a good return policy, because sometimes I err in judgment. Just sometimes I do.

If I weren’t so poor right now, I would go out and buy a new necklace, I am craving one very badly, I can envision it in my mind and how it will be to wear it. I feel naked without one, as if I have forgotten a crucial piece of clothing if I go out without one. My younger sister is the same way and I just found out my eldest sister is too. We have a necklace fetish.

I have a adorable sun dress that I ordered on line before i knew i was getting divorced. It is the right size, but it is very clingy and show my curves a little too well. I need to lose some weight to do it justice and I have it hanging in my closet for next year when I will have a svelte figure. I think Marilyn Monroe had one of those. As sun dresses go, it is rather sexy, and I will feel very special in it, so I have a lot to look forward to.

I now have a cat on my lap who wants a lot of love, so I am typing very carefully so she won’t fall of. She always thinks that this is a good time to get some loving, when I am typing. My lap seems to be perfect then. The dog is within an inch of getting stepped on or having my chair rolled over him. My, such togetherness, such coziness. The Ubercat has his second cold in as many months and will have to go to the vet if it doesn’t clear up. he has runny eyes and he is sneezing. I hope he is not contagious, but the other cats are fine. The Exfactor will love the vet bill.

I just got an email from the energy company saying that the average energy bill will increase by 10 Euros a month. I must be very frugal and I hope I estimated my usage well enough, if not, i will have to pay extra at the end of the year and that will not be a nice surprise. I am constantly turning off lights and not turning lights on if it can be helped.

I try to be a frugal grocery shopper too, but find out that there are many unexpected expenses that add to the grocery bill and that my estimate was too low. So, I have had to adjust that upward. Welcome to the real world, Irene. You can’t live on bread and water. I only go shopping twice a week and stick to the list I make, no improvisational shopping. I do allow myself a big bottle of diet soda once a week, because it is so nice and refreshing when it is hot. It takes away that hollow feeling in your stomach too.

I have completely grown used to my single bed and the bedroom arrangement around it. The Uberhund sleeps on his pillow next to the bed and the bedroom is easy to keep clean because everything has its place. Men are always so messy with their used tissues and their socks and underwear all over the place. Actually, the whole apartment stays cleaner. The Exfactor was like that little character from Charlie Brown who always had that cloud of dirt hanging about him. I still have to clean all the light switches.

The weekend has been most pleasant and not at all a repeat of the weekend before this one. I have found much peace in being by myself with the animals and  being alone but not lonely. Tomorrow the rat race starts again.

Hope you all had a nice weekend and enjoyed it as much as I have. Take care.

Ciao…

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Bewerkte Pisa Deur Images number 2.

For two days in a row now I haven’t visited any other blogs, so I must make it a point to do so today and get caught up again. Yesterday, I ran out of time and the day before that I sat and read my own old posts, which was a bit enlightening, because I read about my highs and lows and sleepless nights and how they all tied together. I thought I was going to have another long night of sleep tonight, but I was foiled again and am up in the wee hours of the morning. C’est la vie. I am just not meant to sleep long nights, that’s just the way it is.

I must admit to some sort of excitement at being up and starting the ritual of turning on the computer and starting up the Senseo machine. I don’t know what it is about this time of night that I like so much, but it is true that I enjoy it a lot and that I would miss it if I were to get up at say 6 o’clock in the morning. I would miss that time alone and not having the leisurely pace of writing all of this down as slowly as I do and as contemplatively as I do. I stop writing a lot and just sort of stop and reminisce about things as they enter my head, even though I don’t all write them down. I remember my father making very early nights and being chased back to bed by my mother, who was a real Atilla the Hun and who thought people should stay in their beds until at least 7 am. Tyranny. I have none such here, thank God! Talk about ruling with an iron fist!

One thing I do hear when I am up so early by myself, is the ticking of the new wall clock that we bought at Ikea the other day and it is a pleasant sound. I was brought up with the ticking of many clocks, as my father was a clock maker and we always had many antique clocks in our house. He restored and rebuilt antique clocks and most of them also had chimes on the hour and on the half hour. We grew used to this cacophony of noise and it didn’t keep us awake. The ticking of a clock is very peaceful to me and I wish this one did have chimes. I am never in the right places to run into one of my father’s clocks, but I would recognize one instantly, because he always left an identifying mark on them. Maybe if I went to the right places I would find one of his clocks and buy one.

Well, the chest of drawers has been painted black and it has turned out very well. I started out yesterday by emptying all the drawers and taking the junk out that could go straight into the trash bag. There was still a lot left to save and I found some treasures that I didn’t know were there, such as pictures of the children and my grandson that I didn’t know I had there. There was also an essay there that my son had written in junior high school for which he had gotten a good grade, and that I had forgotten all about, and some poetry he had written when he was quite a bit younger. These are all keepsakes, of course. I remember that he wanted me to get that published, like any budding author.

I started to paint the drawers first and when I was just about done with them, Eduard came home and took over, after that he painted and I supervised and that worked well. I sat on the sofa with my coffee and cigarettes and said such useful things as, “I think you missed a spot there.” and, “That drawer is dry now, you can give it its second coat of paint.” We didn’t argue once and Eduard kept saying what excellent paint it was and how nicely it covered the wood and how quickly it dried. It’s true, it is very nice paint that we used and we will always buy this one in the future too. By the time you have painted everything, the first thing you have painted is just about dry and ready for its second coat.

By five o’clock everything was perfectly dry and we could put the drawers back in and put the TV and the DVD player and the telephone back on top of it. It looks so nice that we are not going to buy new handles for it, it just doesn’t need them. It’s a smooth, slick piece of furniture and it looks just fine the way it is. Fairly soon now, we will have a digital camera and I promise you pictures of the whole living room.

Well, all that supervising does make you tired and I fell asleep on the sofa again after dinner. I was dead to the world and Eduard had to wake me up at nine pm. I was not quite coherent then and only half aware of what was going on around me. That sofa is so comfortable and then Eduard always covers me up with the yellow blanket; that makes me extra comfortable. I took my medicines and smoked a cigarette and had some bread with chicken fillet. The dog had some too, my loyal friend who looks at me longingly when I eat. Then I went to bed and dreamed that I was reading my book, which I was only holding with my eyes closed.

This morning I weigh 87.2 kilos which is a marked improvement over yesterday when I didn’t tell you what I weighed. Anyway, I am in a downward movement again, but it will take some more yogurt to get down to 86 kilos where I briefly was one day. In about one more week, my daughter will be here and I am afraid that she will not see an 85 kilo weighing mother, unless I stop eating altogether and I don’t think I have the willpower for that. Well, maybe just yogurt and juice.

My daughter is a slenderly built girl. There is not an ounce of fat on her and she is mostly muscle and bones. She does lots of yoga and eats healthily. She is actually built like me with broad shoulders and strong legs. If I were skinny, I would look like her. At one point, when she was a teenager, I could wear her clothes. That’s when I was skinny. Now, she is even skinnier than that, doing so much yoga and eating no junk food. She doesn’t eat red meats and eats only biological foods, as far as I know, from a special coöp.

I have been rating myself with sixes for five days in a row now. I am pretty happy about that. It means that I am not hypo manic and that my head is screwed on pretty straight. My psychiatrist is out of town this week, so I don’t know if he got my email asking him about lowering my medication again. For now, I am staying on the higher dosage until I hear differently. I am kind of concerned about going back to the lower dosage as I did me no good the last time. I suppose we must keep trying, though.

Wel
l, the coffee is tasting mighty good this morning again and so are the cigarettes. Eduard will stub out a cigarette after he has smoked half of it, because he says he doesn’t like the taste of it anymore. Not me, I smoke that thing down to the filter. I have never met a cigarette I didn’t like, although I prefer non menthols. Gauloises are pretty hefty to smoke, especially without the filter, but that makes you chew the tobacco. I like Peter Stuyvesant the least, those are the cigarettes I smoked first of all when they still made me nauseous. I was a true die hard, smoking anyway in spite of the fact that they made me sick. I was bound and determined to get my nicotine fix.

Now I get my caffeine fix too, although I don’t remember when I started drinking coffee. I know I used to drink it with sugar and milk, then I drank it black for a long time and now I take milk in it again, although I like it best with real cream, as you sometimes get in the cafés. Sometimes in the cafés, you get a little glass with brandy in it topped with whipped cream and you are supposed to tip that into your coffee. It is called a stall holder’s coffee and it is served on open air market day. It’s too bad if you are an alcoholic and you don’t know the custom, because sometimes the glass holds another extract such as almonds. Although I suppose that has alcohol in it too, doesn’t it? Either way, it’s a dangerous custom when you are an alcoholic. (I have experience with alcoholics, that’s why I mention it.)

It used to be very customary to drink tea in the afternoon, but you see more and more people drinking coffee instead., You also see more and more people dunking teabags in cups of hot water. It seems like nobody brews a pot of tea anymore. I am all for brewing tea. You can’t tell me that you get a good cup of tea out of dunking a teabag. Most people take the teabag out before it has steeped long enough, when the water has only taken on the color of tea but hasn’t got the right flavor yet. I like a strong cup of tea myself.

I am off now to read everybody else’s blogs. I must keep up to date. I have lots of time left to do that, there is no one up yet here and they won’t be for a while yet. It’s just me sitting here in this nice living room. I must get the Pledge out and give the chest of drawers a good shine.

Right, cheerio and have a good day. May all your painting days be good ones, whether they are creative or functional like mine. Ciao…

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Tolmiea menziesii
Scientific classification
Kingdom: Plantae Division: Magnoliophyta Class: Magnoliopsida Order: Saxifragales Family: Saxifragaceae Genus: Tolmiea Species: T. menziesii
Binomial name
Tolmiea menziesii (Pursh) Torr. & Gray

The flower Tolmiea menziesii is the only member of the monotypic genus Tolmiea. It is known by the common names youth on age, thousand mothers, and piggyback plant. It is a perennial plant commonly kept as an ornamental. It is native to the west coast of North America, especially in regions dominated by redwoods. It requires moisture and does not tolerate much sun or dry conditions.

The plant is most interesting for its reproductive habits. It grows plantlets from the petiole near the base of each leaf. The plantlets drop off, fall in the soil, and take root there. It will also reproduce by rhizome and by seed propagation. It bears small flowers of various colors, usually brownish-purple to white depending on the cultivar. It has hairy, toothed leaves and a capsule fruit containing spiny seed.

The plant is also unusual in that it is sometimes diploid and sometimes tetraploid, due to autopolyploidy.

The genus was named after the Scottish-Canadian botanist William Fraser Tolmie.

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Red Flower Images number 8.

The plant I was talking about named Child on it’s Mother’s Lap, is actually called the Piggy Back Plant. Here is some information on it:

Common names:

Piggyback Plant, Pick-a-Back, Youth-On-Age, Thousand Mothers, Mother of Thousands

Scientific name: Tolmiea Menziesii

Explanation of scientific name:

Tolmiea – Named for Dr. William Fraser Tolmie (1830-1886), a Scottish physician and botanist who worked for the Hudson Bay Company at Fort Vancouver.

Menziesii – Named for Dr. Archibald Menzies (1754-1842), a naval surgeon and botanist who collected plants in western North America.

Many indoor gardeners know the Piggyback Plant as a durable houseplant that can tolerate conditions that would prove fatal to many other plants. It is especially tolerant of low light conditions. What comes as a surprise to many people is that Piggybacks are fully hardy in our area, and are reliable perennials that will do well in a shady location.

Native to western North America from northern California into Alaska, the Piggyback’s natural habitat is an area with cool, moist soil that is protected from bright sunlight. They commonly grow under the canopy of tall trees. While each plant is under a foot in height, it can slowly spread forming a large colony. When cultivated indoors Piggybacks make dense, full potted plants and nice hanging baskets. When grown outdoors they make a great groundcover.

So, another mystery solved. I looked the plant up in my Sunset Western Garden Book and while looking through it I suddenly remembered the name Piggy Back. That Sunset Western Garden Book used to be my bible when I gardened in California. I learned everything about gardening from it. Most places in California have tough soil, so you really need all the help you can get when it comes to soil conditions and how to improve them and what to plant where. Some things I grew easily and some things just wouldn’t take at all; it was a real trial and error process. It wasn’t like it is in the Netherlands, where you just stick something in the soil and watch it grow. In California you really had to cultivate things and water them every day.

Well, I weigh 87 kilos again, so that is good. I was a little bit hesitant about getting on the scales fearing that it would be a lot worse, but this isn’t bad at all. I know, people have said that I shouldn’t weigh myself every day, because it may be disheartening to do so, but I am compelled to and I am always afraid that if I don’t weigh myself, things will get away from me and I will gain weight without realizing it. So the scales are there in the bathroom and I have a piddle and then I am compelled to weigh myself early in the morning; I can’t help it.

Eduard and I are going to paint the dresser that the TV sits on black on Wednesday. He is going to work for just an hour or two in the morning and then he is coming home to help me paint. I asked him to, because I didn’t like to face the whole thing by myself. It really needs two people to do it, as it is quite a large piece of furniture.

All the drawers need to be emptied and it will be a chance to sort out the stuff that is in them and throw some things away as well. Some of those things belong to Eduard, so he needs to be here and tell me what can go. It’s going to be so much nicer to paint with two people. Just think, it will mean half the work and half the frustration. Unless we get into painting arguments! I’ll make sure and take an Oxazepam before we start.

Yesterday was a totally dull day here at the ranch. Nothing of importance happened. I didn’t really need to clean the apartment as I had done that really well on Saturday and I had only one load of laundry to do. Actually, I was kind of bored and this caused me to feel hungry and tired. I slept all morning on the sofa with the dog beside me and we didn’t get up until 11 am. I walked him then and did the dishes from Sunday. Eduard came home while I was doing them, because he had to work late that evening. I was generally pooped and kept feeling like hanging out on the sofa watching the cats sleep on the new chair. I wasn’t even interested in reading all the advertising booklets that came in the mail in the afternoon. I just didn’t care.

I am sure today will be a whole other day, as it is now in the wee hours of the night and I have already had lots of sleep. I am bright eyed and bushy tailed, as the saying goes. I will never have a normal sleep schedule at this rate, although I did sleep in my bed this time and not on the sofa, even though I find that the most comfortable place to sleep.

Yesterday I ate an orange and I didn’t chew it well enough, causing a blockage in my gastric band with all the consequences that come with it. After much suffering I was able to upchuck it and that was a great relief. I must not eat oranges anymore, because they are too hard to chew into small pieces. Better to stick to the yogurt and the Cup a Soup. And the bread with very lean chicken. I am sort of relieved that we have decided to eat chicken and fish, I was worried about us getting enough proteins, especially Eduard, and I must say that chicken is a meat that works well in a number of dishes. My conscious is not bothering me too much about the chickens, although I suppose it ought to. I am undecided about it. I don’t feel as badly about it as the pigs. I am truly horrified about them.

My brother in law doesn’t eat fish
or chicken, so he didn’t eat the salmon that I served on Sunday. He was good natured about it and it was his loss. I told him that Eduard and I only eat chicken and fish, whereas he only eats red meats such as sausages and steaks and meatballs. He says that he likes Bolognese sauce, so I suppose I will make it for him with the meat substitute and just not tell him that that is what it is. The next time they come.

My sister very often serves my nephew meat substitute , although he is a real meat eater, and then he claims that he absolutely loves it without knowing that it is. My niece is a complete vegetarian and refuses to eat anything that has meat in it. She has been for some years now and she is only fourteen. She is very strong minded.

When I was a child growing up, we didn’t make choices about food. We didn’t even think about it or know that we had a choice. We just ate everything that our mother fixed for us. We all had our favorite food, but we ate everything. It would have been impossible to refuse to eat anything that was put on the table. Of course, my parents lived through the war and the terrible hunger winter of 44-45 and they had a holy reference for food, any food. They had gone hungry, after all. I remember being about 4 or 5 years old and sitting behind a plate of Brussels sprouts and not being allowed to leave the table until I ate everyone of them. I now love Brussels sprouts, although maybe that was a cruel thing to do, I don’t know. I never did that to my kids and they ended up liking lots of food.

I have eaten a lot of different kinds of foods, but I have never eaten snails, or escargot as they are called. Somehow that just doesn’t seem appetizing to me. Nor have I ever eaten frog’s legs. I stay away from slimy things. I have never been challenged to eat an unusual food, such as guinea pig or snake or raw sea lion.. Thank goodness. Chances are that will never happen to me here in the Netherlands. We do eat raw herring and think nothing of that.

Today I am seeing my SPN and for the life of me, I can’t really remember what we talked about last week or what decision we came to about that. I was manic then and I have bad recall. I do know that she asked me to write down my experience of my shopping trip to Ikea with Eduard on Tuesday and I have done that. Of course, on Tuesday afternoon I had taken 25 mg of Oxazepam, and I was as tame as a lamb, as they say here. Nothing spectacular happened that afternoon. But I can’t remember the other things we talked about and I know there were other things. I am experiencing blankness. It is a black void mostly. I hope she will help me remember and that it will dawn on me.

She is turning out to be such a good counselor and such a smart and well informed person. She has managed to get my complete trust. She knows how to have a meaningful conversation with me and how to answer my questions. I can be totally honest with her and I don’t have to hide anything. For as young as she is, she has a lot of wisdom already, more than I do, which is as it should be.

I am thoroughly enjoying my cups of coffee and my cigarettes, Everything tastes very nice right now and I feel rather splendid. For as early as it is, I am quite wide awake and I could do all sorts of things now. It’s too bad that I can’t make any noise for fear of waking up Eduard. I would be cleaning out those dresser drawers now if I could. I bet there is a lot of stuff I could throw away myself without having to ask Eduard about it.

Eduard is a real hoarder, whereas I am a real tosser out. I always think, the less baggage, the better. Eduard has been known to toss out things that belonged to me that shouldn’t have been tossed out. I have been quite peeved about that. Such as a bag with totally nice shoes. Gggrrr…

We have a lot of tapes with music on them that we never play anymore. We want to replace the ones that we really like with CD’s. I am all for tossing out the tapes, because we haven’t listened to them in years. They are slowly disintegrating in one of the drawers. I also have lot’s of handy work that I have started and then abandoned, because I became bored with it. I suppose I should toss that out also or give it to the recycle store. Then there are all the little kid’s games that my niece and nephew used to play with. They are too old for them now. They can go.

There’s nothing better than having a good old toss out. It clears up the clutter in the apartment and it clears up your mind. Less mental baggage, less to keep track off. When we went to clean up my parent’s house, you wouldn’t have known that three girls used to live there. All evidence of us was gone, except for the photographs. It made cleaning up the house a very easy job and void of a lot of sentiment. It was all pretty straight forward and concerned furniture and clothes.

Part of me wants the night to last forever and to sit here and keep writing, but I know you’ll get bored after so many paragraphs, so I will stop dawdling and make an end to this epistle. I will go and read other blogs and drink lots of coffee and smoke many cigarettes while I wait for morning to come.

Have yourself a terrific day, or a wonderful night, whichever comes first. While you read this, think of me sitting here, thinking of you. Ciao…

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Blue Flower Images number 8.

This morning I weigh 86 kilos exactly. Yup, you read that right, I weighed myself twice to make sure, but it really is 86 kilos. Yippee! I am not sure of what I did right yesterday. I ate yogurt several times and bread with thin slices of very lean chicken on it. I suppose eating bread is not such a bad thing after all, depending on what you put on it. I didn’t slather mayonnaise on it, but diet margarine and very little chicken. The yogurt is the nonfat kind with the bits of fruit in it and I guess you can eat that pretty safely. It is such a nice surprise to go on the scales and to have lost weight.

Now it is 3:30 in the morning. I fell asleep om the sofa at about 5:30 pm and went to bed at 9 pm. So you could say I slept enough. Which means we didn’t go to see our Friday night movie, but most likely I would have slept through it again like I did last week, so it’s a good thing that we didn’t go.

Yesterday afternoon, I went to the Ikea website to check if the chair that I wanted was available at the branch of the store in Heerlen. Much to my chagrin it said it wasn’t, so I called the Ikea information number to find out if I would be able to order the chair and get it that way. A very nice gentleman helped me and he said that, yes I could order the chair, but it would take three weeks to get and it would be delivered at our apartment with a delivery charge. I said, “Oh no, that’s too long for me to wait,” and he checked his computer and said that there were actually three chairs left in Heerlen and that if I hurried I could still get one. Apparently, if there are three or less of something left at a store they say it is no longer in supply.

So I called Eduard and told him that no matter what, he had to lay his hands on 99 Euros and that we had to go and pick up the chair that afternoon. Eduard managed to get 99 Euros and when he got home we were off to Ikea. We didn’t break the speed limit to get there, but I was a little anxious lest someone came around and bought the last chair before us. Stranger things have happened and I had taken an Oxazepam so I wouldn’t be a total bundle of nerves.

When we got to Ikea we found the chair in the warehouse with the right pattern upholstery but the wrong color frame. The black frame was all sold out. What to do? I said to Eduard, “Let’s just buy the beech frame and I’ll paint it black myself and that will be fine too.” So we loaded everything on our shopping cart and headed for the cash register and bought the darn thing. What a relief that was.

When we got home, we put it together, that was a no brainer, and put the cushions in it and the cats confiscated the chair right away and now there has been a cat in there nonstop. The cushions are very comfortable. I am not sure if I am going to paint it black now, as it looks very nice the way it is and painting it is going to be quite a job. There are lots of nooks and crannies, as it is an adjustable chair and the seat and the back are quite intricate. I’ll have to live with it for a while and see.

After all of that, I was quite worn down and I said to Eduard, “I feel like I am having a little nervous breakdown.” It must have been all the excitement that had gotten to me and I took an Oxazepam and that’s when I fell asleep. I think I must no longer be hypo manic, otherwise this wouldn’t have bothered me at all. I would have painted that chair already and the dresser that the TV stands on also.

Eduard says that you should put a white rock in a bowl every time something good happens. Yesterday we would have put two white rocks in the bowl, because we got the chair and Eduard got a new bike that his work bought for him. It is a very nice 7-speed bike with all the latest gizmo’s on it. Through some government scheme, the employer is able to buy his employees new bicycles, but I don’t know how it works. Eduard’s bike cost more than 790 Euros, so he has to treasure it like a newborn. He can never, ever forget to lock it, because surely it will be gone in no time. Anyway, we should start this white rock in a bowl tradition, except that white rocks are hard to come by here. Maybe we can think of something else. Big colorful marbles or something.

Today I want to wax the top of the dining room table and make it nice and shiny. I am hoping it will work with good old Pledge, otherwise I will have to go out and buy old fashioned bees wax and I don’t know where that is sold anymore. When I was a child I had a friend whose mother was continually cleaning house and their place always smelled of furniture polish and it smelled so good. My grandmother used elbow grease to get her furniture to shine. That and green soap and water. My mother dusted every day with a barely damp cloth. I do the tables every day, the rest I do when I feel like it or when I think of it. I am a great believer in St. Marc’s, which gets wooden surfaces very clean, like doors and kitchen cabinets.

Jesker is so stinky! It’s his ears that he drags through the dirt in the streets and the grass and everything. On Tuesday he is going to be cut and have a bath and high time it is too. We had been unable to get a hold of the woman who cuts and bathes him, but I finally managed to get a hold of her a few days ago. We want him cleaned up before my daughter gets here, as he will make a bad impression on anybody now and we don’t want him to do that. He is sitting beside me now, acting as if he has to go out, but is is only 5 am and I am not going for a walk with him now. I’ll see if he will go out on the patio.

Well, I was too late. With a very guilty look on his face he did an enormous piddle in the living room. Poor dog, he did try to tell me. I was too late. So, I’ve got that all cleaned up and told him it was okay so he won’t feel bad. He came to me with much hesitation, wagging his stubby tail.

One cat has vacated the chair and another cat has taken her place. At this rate we’ll never get to sit in it ourselves. The flowers of the print are so cheerful. They match the cheerfulness of the print of the curtain. I must always pick out things when I am hypo manic, because we get the happiest colors and prints that way.

Well, now I have to go and read some other blogs. I wish you all a great day in which you will not ignore the urgent noises of your dog. Ciao…

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Monet 2 Images number 1.

This morning I weigh 86.3 kilos, so I lost some more weight since yesterday. I now have to lose 1.3 kilos before the 15th. If I keep going the way I am now, I think I will. The trick is to ignore your growling stomach and to only feed it when you have time to and not when your stomach is protesting that it is empty. Besides, it is easier to go hungry than it is to start eating and to keep eating. Going hungry is no hardship, because I know that when the time comes, I will sit down and have a yogurt, or whatever I feel like having at the moment, and eat until I am full and that is very quickly. A glass of yogurt and a piece of cheese and presto, it is done.

I fell asleep on the sofa around five o’clock yesterday, I slept until nine o’clock and then took my medicines and went to bed and slept until 3:30 this morning. That’s a lot of sleep and I think it means that I am done being manic and that is probably due to the increase in the medication. It is early to tell, but the signs look good. I had phoned my psychiatrist and got the oxazepam in a lower dose, so that it doesn’t knock me out when I take one. I now have 10 mg instead of 25 mg. That makes quite a bit of difference, it’s enough to calm me down, but doesn’t make me feel like a zombie.

I have looked for a picture of the fabric we bought on the Ikea website, but they don’t show the one we have, so I can’t share it with you as per Debi’s request. All I can say is, it is very bright and colorful with a very busy pattern.

I have finished painting the coffee table and it turned out pretty darn good. The paint dried very fast and I could put it in place and put things on it at the end of the afternoon, so it is in use again. I looks so much better than how it had looked. It matches the room a lot better and the fabric too.

Now that set of drawers that the TV sits on is a real eyesore and I can’t wait to tackle it. Eduard and I have not agreed on the color yet, but I know what I want and I hope I can persuade Eduard that it will look best painted black instead of white. I can visualize it in my head. With metal handles on the drawers. Maybe it will help if I point out that I took an interior design course, which I didn’t finished due to a herniated disk, but still…I do know how things work.

Well, that’s all I have to report this morning. I have to go and read everybody else’s blog now. I didn’t do that yesterday and I do feel in remiss. So I wish you all a great day and I hope you get your Christmas shopping done with the least amount of stress. Ciao…

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Gaugin’s Chair Images number 2.

I just went on the scales and I weigh 86.7 kilos, so whatever I am doing, I am doing it right. Mostly what I am doing is not obsessing about the food I eat. I am not at all keeping track of my calories and I am not at all eating sensibly. I eat when I am hungry, which is not that often and not until later in the day when I have done a number of physical jobs. I am allowing myself to eat some bread and some Cup a Soup and some yogurt and some of whatever I have fixed Eduard for dinner and that seems to be working out fine. I’ve now got 1.7 kilos to lose before the 15th and I just may make it, keep your fingers crossed.

Well, as of yesterday I am officially hypo manic again. We all knew that one was coming, didn’t we? I had been so active and my sleep schedule had been so screwed up.

I saw my SPN yesterday morning and she very carefully questioned me about how I had been the previous week, how my behavior had been and my general attitude and in particular my attitude towards Eduard. I reassured her that I had been fine and that I was fine, but that I was very active and that maybe I was on my way to becoming hypo manic, but that I wasn’t yet. Right!

We then had a very good productive talk about some of my attitudes and behaviors that stem back to my childhood and that I somehow need to change and I completely agree with that. There are some things I do that are counter productive and that are best left behind, so I need to practice some other strategies. I think this is all very positive and more than I had hoped of getting out of our talks. She sure is a smart woman and very well informed.

When I left, she looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Keep an track of your mood, please!” I had to admit that I was feeling pretty high and on my way home, while riding my bike, I started feeling higher and when I got home, I suddenly loved the dog very much. Then a feeling of euphoria washed over me and everything took on a whole new meaning and I felt so intensely happy that I thought I would burst. I started to wash the dishes jubilantly and the feeling of euphoria didn’t leave me. I loved the world and everything in it and I hadn’t felt as happy in a long time.

I picked up the telephone and called my SPN. I told her, “Someone is having a party in my head and I am washing the dishes jubilantly.” That’s all she needed to hear and she said she would get in touch with my psychiatrist and call me right back, which she did after a few minutes. To make a long story short, he had said for me to go back to the higher dose of anti psychotics and to take the oxazepam again, which I did immediately, because I felt like I was screeching around the curves.

I forgot that I had said I would never take the oxazepam during the day again, because the dose is so high that it makes me feel like a zombie and has the total opposite effect of how I want to feel, so I am not taking it again today. I would rather feel high than low like a dead moth that’s flown to close to the flame.

Looking back on it, the writing was on the wall. I was so active and so productive and so short of sleep. I only slept for 4 to 5 hours if I took and an oxazepam and the temazepam.

Anyway, I did manage to have some sort of a productive day yesterday. In the morning I did more laundry, because I did have to wash my sweater and I hunted up some other things that needed to be washed, I cleaned up the kitchen and made the bed and cleaned up the living room and saw my SPN.

Oh yes, as I was contemplating my navel in the morning, I thought about sanding and staining the coffee table and what a job that was going to be and how I was not looking forward to that at all, because of my experience with the dining room table. Then I had the brilliant thought that the coffee table could be painted a matte black, because our sofa is brown and Eduard’s leather chair is black.

So, when Eduard got up, I was ready to go to the hardware store to buy me a can of black paint, but Eduard said, “Hold your horses, please. Don’t go running off buying paint, I think I’ve got black paint at work.” So, then I just wanted him to go to work to see if he did indeed have black paint and come home with it as fast as possible. Well, you don’t rush a man like Eduard, so I had to slow my thinking down just a little bit and be patient.

He did bring the paint home at noontime, but by that time, I had had an oxazepam and I was running at a totally different speed. We did go to Ikea then with our little shopping list from which we promised each other we would not deviate. We needed fabric for the curtain, iron on hemming tape, a lampshade and place mats and we did pretty well. The only things we got that were not on the list were a little fern in a little white pot for on the dining room table, and a wall clock that is very stark and modern looking and fits the new interior well.

The fabric we got is very bright and colorful and I have already made it into a curtain and hung it up. It’s quite startling and eye catching and will take me some time to get used to, but I think it is a good choice. We now need some little red throw pillows to pull the whole thing together. And the coffee table painted black as the fabric has black in it also. It has different shades of red and white and black.

While we were at Ikea, Eduard said that he wanted to eat the meatballs there, as it is a tradition that we do so. Of course, I couldn’t eat a portion of meatballs, so he ordered one meal of them, which turned out to be many meatballs. So, without giving it much thought, I started eating them also, and man, did I regret that. My pour little stomach can not handle meat and I was in great discomfort for the rest of the afternoon, until I was finally able to upchuck it all some time later. What a relief that was! Remind me that that is one of the reasons why I don’t eat meat, I had quite forgotten that when looking at those nice round innocent looking meatballs from Ikea.

Today I am sanding and painting the coffee table, after I have gone to the grocery store. Or maybe I will let Eduard go to the grocery store, because we only really need tobacco and I will just concentrate on the table and get down and dirty. I will not have to use a sander to sand the table, I can do that by hand, luckily, as all of the varnish does not have to come off. It just needs to get roughed up so the paint will take. Most of the varnish is gone anyway, because the table is 13 years old. I can visualize what this place
is going to look like once I am done with it. It will look splendid. You can see that there are all sorts of benefits to being hypo manic and that taking an oxazepam would be very counter productive.

It’s in the middle of the night and no matter how often I look at the new clock, it is not going to change that. Because of the oxazepam, I went to sleep very early yesterday and I knew I would be up in the wee hours of the morning. I have to try and take a nap some time today in the afternoon and get some sort of a normal sleeping pattern again. I don’t know if it can be done, but I’ll try. I go to sleep not for the sake of sleeping, but for the sake of waking up again and starting a new day, that’s what I am excited about.

Oh yes, we have been such ecologically minded people that we are getting back 143 Euros on our energy bill for last year. How’s that? I think it is just great! It means that everything we do is paying off. Using energy saving light bulbs, shutting of lights and appliances, not having the heater turned up too high, it is all paying off. Yeah!

Well, on that happy note I will end my musings about the day. Hope you all have an equally happy day with many happy returns on your energy bill. Ciao…

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Van Gogh 5 Images number 1.

For those of you who wondered if I was still somewhat hypo manic, yes, you were right, I was, even though I claimed I wasn’t, but then again, what do I know, right? I think maybe I am not the right person always to yell you if I am or if I am not. I think that decision should also lie with Eduard a bit, so from now on I will ask him every day what he thinks. I think if in doubt, he can be the one to be the tiebreaker and I’ll let you guys know what he thinks. That should solve that problem.

I had to call my psychiatrist yesterday afternoon. Eduard pointed out to me, as diplomatically as he could, that he had just about had it with my over assertiveness and my anger and irritation and aggressive attitude and that I had to cease and desist. He said I had been behaving that way all week to him and when he said it, I realized he was right and that I had been that way to him.

We discussed it and being the smart and well informed people that we are, we realized this was a case of dysphoric mania as opposed to euphoric mania. I was active and wanted to do a hundred things, but every time I thought that Eduard was not going along with the program, I nearly bit his head off. In other words, I was a bit of a bitch, quite a lot actually.

Well, it is all good and well to identify a behavior, but I had no idea how to stop it and even as we spoke I felt the irritation grow inside of me and I wanted to argue my point, even though I knew he was right. I felt very unkind and I didn’t know how to stop being unkind and impatient.

So, I called my psychiatrist who, of course, was no stranger to this phenomenon and had the solution right away. I was to increase my anti psychotic medication with 2 mgs and take the oxazepam when I felt especially disagreeable and to keep doing that until feel the aggression and the irritation abide. It may take a couple of days or a week or longer, who knows? But it is the best solution for now and will give both Eduard and me some respite.

A dysphoric mania is when you think you can move mountains, but get irritated and angry at the people who stand in the way of you moving those mountains. You have a goal and are convinced of its possibilities and you become quite ruthless to the people who you think stand in the way of it. You can become convinced of quite unattainable goals and become very angry at people who try to stop you. Or who you think are trying to stop you.

Well, anyway, you see how sometimes you don’t recognize your own behavior and that is pretty sad.

This morning I weigh 87.7 kilos, so I have 2.7 kilos left to lose before December the 15th.

Yesterday morning, after I wrote my post, I cleaned up the kitchen and then took a shower and got dressed and made up and walked the dog early. So, when 8 am came along, I was ready to go to the grocery store and do my shopping. That was great, as there was hardly anyone there and I rode my bike on nearly empty streets. I bought some delicious aged cheese for Eduard and some great treats for the dog, who couldn’t believe his luck and very happily took one to his pillow and chewed on it merrily.

Later in the morning, Eduard and I went into town, where I had to buy a birthday present for my sister and Eduard went to the film house to do some work there. I went to three different stores to find a proper necklace for my sister, who also likes to wear them, but I finally succeeded. I found a great ethnic looking one that I think she will like. Then Eduard and I had espressos at the film house and went home again.

In the afternoon, I took a nap on the sofa, due to having taken the oxazepam and it was necessary, because I had slept so little during the night the past couple of days. Eduard went to an open house of the railways where his friend Etienne works. It was good that he and I had a little time out from each other and my psychiatrist had suggested as much.

I took another oxazepam later in the afternoon and that knocked me out some more, so I am not going to take them today unless I absolutely have to. Only if I feel major irritation and anger. I am hoping the extra anti psychotic will actually do most of the work.

I hope that I don’t completely stop feeling hypo manic, as there are some aspects of it that I really enjoy, such as being very active. Getting lots of things done is very satisfying.

Forgive me for not commenting on your comments, but I do read them and I do appreciate every one of them.

Have a great day, people. Ciao….

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Blue Flower Images number 4.

This morning I weigh almost a kilo less than I did yesterday, but still 5 ounces more than I did the day before. Isn’t that strange? It is one of those mysteries of the body that I will never understand. I weigh 89.9 kilos and I don’t know why, when I eat so little, but I suppose I should be happy, because at least I am below 90 kilos again. I must stay below 90 kilos, that’s sort of a psychological and physical limit for me.

Yesterday was an alright day. I had to wait for the black sweater to arrive that I had ordered on line. It got here at 2 pm and the woman who delivered it put it in the mailbox. Luckily, I saw her drive by and checked the mailbox or I would have been sitting there forever waiting for her to ring the doorbell and hand me the package. The sweater fits and looks really nice, so that was a good buy.

Then I shortened the tunic that was too long. I had to do it by hand, but it was an fairly easy job and I was done in an hour. It had been long to my knees and I always felt like I was wearing a monks habit when I wore it. Shorter it looks ever so much better and perkier.

Yesterday morning, after I walked the dog and before I did anything else, I took a long nap on the sofa. I guess that was just what I needed, because when I woke up I felt really good and to celebrate I had several cups of coffee to really wake up well with. Getting up early is nice, but sometimes I find out that I still need some more sleep and than it is very tempting to lay down on the sofa and sleep a little bit more.

Eduard sold a gold ring and a hanger for me yesterday and with the proceeds I am going to buy a necklace today. This is the last of the jewelry that I am going to be selling. I have some silver jewelry left now that I can’t wear because I am allergic to it, but I know that I can’t sell it and make any money on it. I am looking forward to going into town this morning to get the necklace. I will stop by Eduard’s work and have some capuchinos with him and some of those cookies that I like so much.

As you can see, I don’t have really anything important to write about. Everything here has settled down to a dull roar and I like that just fine. I am rating myself with sixes and sevens and that is fine with me. It is so much easier to be a six than it is to be an eight. It is less complicated.

Well, that is it for today then. Have yourself a wonderful day. I am planning on having a really nice one myself. If you are just about to go to bed, have a good sleep and sweet dreams. Ciao…

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