Any kind you want.

Cows in meadow

I am running late. I am sleeping late and then other little activities keep me from writing a post right away, so before you know it, it is 7 AM and you still haven’t written a word. Then the husband gets up and the dog and a whole new round of activities starts. I am not complaining, it is okay to be running behind myself, I have no problem with that at all. Now I get to find out how Eduard feels most of the time and why he refuses to want to get up when the alarm clock goes off.

My talk with my SPN went well. I explained my starring role in my own personal dramas, but she seemed to know about those already and merely filled in the gaps where I left any. I was quite expressive in explaining myself too and used lots of facial expressions and body language, I was aware of that, because that is how clear I wanted to make myself.

Then we talked about the manic depression and the BPD and she explained to me which bits of my illness and behavior belong to which disorder. I had pretty much figured that out for myself already, so it came as no surprise.

The longer mood swings, the depressions and the hypo manic moods, belong to the manic depression.

The ultradian rapid cycling belongs to the BPD and are mood swings that are brought on by triggers and are extreme emotional responses to events or occurrences that I no longer have control over and over which I lose the direction and the management, so to say.

I lose the control over my emotional responses, which become extreme to the point where there is no reasoning to be done with me anymore and nothing anyone will say to me will make any difference. It is like a raging storm and it is over when it is over and not before that.

However, there are ways to prevent it from happening and I am hopefully going to learn how to do that by recognizing triggers and my initial response to them. If I can cut myself short at this point, the dramatics may not happen at all and we will all be saved from them and breathe easier.

The thing is, I do have to learn this and I know that I have a long road ahead of me, because I know how unreasonable I get how quickly and how fast I need to run interference if something goes wrong and I wonder if it is at all possible and I have a lot of fear.

What I do have going for me is, that under normal circumstances, I am able to reason and think logically quite well and come to the right conclusions, so hopefully that will help me under dire circumstances as well.

Anyway, I will no longer be at the whimsy of nature, I will play an active role in it. Eduard says, instead of being the actress in my drama, I will be the director. Let’s hope that comes true.

Soap Bubble 1

Have you ever heard of that saying, “The faster I go, the more I get behind?” Well, that is how I feel now, like I have to go some place in a hurry, but all I have to do this morning is go to the hairdresser.

Yesterday I had another appointment with the physiotherapist. She is actually a manual therapist and massages the aches and pains right out of my body. Yesterday, she worked on my lower back and it was so soothing and beneficial. My upper back is a lot better already, so whatever she is doing is right. I see her again on Thursday. I love seeing this woman. I could kiss her on both cheeks.

I have to go to the grocery store this morning, blagh! Grocery shopping is only fun if you have unlimited funds and an easy way to get your groceries home.

Right, that’s it then for today, I’ve got to get the show on the road, no dilly dallying.

Have a great Wednesday, any kind you want, with double cheese, if you please.

Ciao…

Soap Bubble 2

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Measly Monday Maybe.

Sunday afternoon 5 Pm. I am starting on the post that I will place tomorrow. I just woke up from a much needed nap and I am still groggy from it in a nice way, I’ve got a nice mug of Senseo and a cigarette and those are my main requisites, so off I go.

I started off this morning, after writing my last post, by sending an email to the other woman telling her that she needn’t turn up for the date that afternoon, because I had decided that three people were too crowded in my marriage after all and that I had been blackmailed into thinking that there could be. Then I went to bed and went to sleep.

When I woke up, I found the Outlook program open, with a snotty answer from the other woman, and a note from Eduard to say that he had gone for a bike ride. He returned shortly after that and I could tell by the look on his face that he had read the emails and my blog, but he wasn’t angry, he said he was just tired of the whole thing and needed time to think things over.

We did end up discussing a few things, such as my rapid cycling rage and the connection it had with what was happening in the relationship and sometimes I get so discouraged, because people think I can turn a rapid cycle on and off, when it is really like being on a tiny raft on a huge stormy ocean with mountain high waves and you are clinging on for life and screaming for help and you are lost until the storm abates and then you are perfectly safe again.

My younger sister thinks I have gone mad by destroying the contract and thereby throwing away my safety. She envisions a future for me in which all sorts of horrible things will happen to me, because I am mentally unstable and that I will not make it on my own. She and my older sister thought it was better to choose for the situation with the other woman in it and have the safety of the marriage. I tried to explain to her how I was literally physically and mentally unable to do it. She thinks I am an unpredictable nut and she told me that she is not going to pick up the pieces when I fall apart. That it will be my responsibility.

It is really nice when your own family has such hope and faith in you. I am not going to call her for help again. Not even when I am on fire and I can’t put out the flames, as a figure of speech. My older sister will react similarly, as they both thought I should think of the safety of my marriage first and the relative security it offered me. But I was unable to do it in the end. I have to live with my conscious first, after all.

Other people will react differently, depending on how well they know me. I think you all know me pretty well, in all my moods and ups and downs. Today I was so unhappy about being a manic depressive, and the role it plays in my life and the people I know, that I contemplated suicide. Everybody is always bringing it up when they discuss any long term plans with me or when they discuss my past with me, as if I have a pre-soiled future and a soiled past. Eduard has been bringing it up a lot, as if it explains something about now and I thought that I was doing so much better these past four years.

Time to make some art.

Early Monday Morning. I thought it was time to say something about manic depression, specifically ultra rapid cycling which is something I do, so I copied this bit of text from Wikepedia, although it doesn’t say a heck of a lot about ultradian rapid cycling, I will look for more.

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Bipolar disorder is often a cyclic illness where people periodically exhibit elevated (manic) and depressive episodes. Most people will experience a number of episodes, averaging 0.4 to 0.7 a year with each lasting three to six months, although some will experience only a single mood episode.^[7][8] Late adolescence and early adulthood are peak years for the onset of the illness.^[9][10] These are critical periods in a young adult’s social and vocational development, and they can be severely disrupted by disease onset.

Rapid cycling, defined as having four or more episodes per year, is found in a significant fraction of patients with bipolar disorder. It has been associated with greater disability or a worse prognosis, due to the confusing changeability and difficulty in establishing a stable state. Rapid cycling can be induced or made worse by antidepressants, unless there is adjunctive treatment with a mood stabilizer.^[11][12]

The definition of rapid cycling most frequently cited in the literature is that of Dunner and Fieve: at least four major depressive, manic, hypomanic or mixed episodes are required to have occurred during a 12-month period.^[13] There are references that describe very rapid (ultra-rapid) or extremely rapid^[14] (ultra-ultra or ultradian) cycling. One definition of ultra-ultra rapid cycling is defining distinct shifts in mood within a 24–48-hour period.

All forms of bipolar disorder have a defined biological nature, apparently stemming from a common genetic factor that leads to generational morbidity. Twins studies and general population studies show that there is an increased chance of de
veloping a bipolar Disorder when either a general mood disorder or a specific bipolar disorder is present in family members. Further research is being conducted to discriminate any environmental factors that may also play a role in onset and severity of bipolar disorder.

Ultradian states in bipolar disorder are faster than rapid cycling states which imply four or more mood episodes in a year.

Rapid cycling mood states are characterized by more than four mood states within a year, and may occur within the space of a few weeks. These oscillations or cycles may last a few days, or even weeks. While current understanding looks to the presence of both states simultaneously, there are anecdotal cases where situational factors can produce distinct and separate periods of depression or mania/hypomania, switching back and forth. Because there is very little research into this particular form of cycling, the terminology is borrowed from the more established research into the formal Bipolar I or Bipolar II categories.

Ultradian cycling is characterized by cycles shorter than 24 hours. Ultradian Bipolar Disorder is productively treated by the same mood-stabilizing medications used with Bipolar I and II, though dosing may be difficult due to situational stress and other environmental factors.

Researchers are working to understand the brain chemistry basis of mood states in an effort to better diagnose and treat bipolar disorder. This research shows the promise of finding biological determinants for Ultradian mood states.

***************

So, you see how I behave and what I say and think and what I do is very much influenced by what mood I am in. Either by the longer term depressed or hypomanic moods, or by the shorter ultradian moods as they can make quite a powerful impact on your life, you swing from one mood to another in just a few moments and, in my case, an ultradian rapid cycle mood lasts for about 6 tot 8 hours. The problem is, that once you are in one of these moods, that is all the reality you know. There is no other reality that you can remember and refer back to. Your viewpoint then is the only one you know and the only one you can apply to any decision you make. You become very distraught and upset and desperate and can’t see the forest for the trees, until, quite suddenly, the mood switches off again and you are back to normal as if it were a storm that quite suddenly stopped raging and suddenly there is silence and clarity.

Ultradian rapid cycling moods are usually triggered by a stressful situation that may not even be obvious to the people around the victim of them. They can be small triggers or big triggers. There can be a delay in the reaction to them, so the mood seems to come out of the blue. Ultradian rapid cyclers are very sensitive to change and do not like for things to be altered too much in their environment. They like things to be predictable and in a state of sameness, because they are easily triggered.

Okay, end of lecture, those of you who had their eyes closed, can open them now.

No matter how I look at the clock, sideways or upside down, it is still the wee hours of the morning and I can’t fool myself one little bit. I have been unable to read any of my books before I go to sleep at night. I sit and eat my yogurt and drink my hot milk and then doze off without even touching the pages of the book. It is all very strange. My mind wanders and keeps going over the events of the past weeks and tries to make sense of it all. It just comes up with more questions than answers.

Those of you who have read me for a longer time, will know that I always referred to Eduard as my lovable husband and he has been nothing but, for all the years that we have been married. He has been good and kind and caring and has always gone over and beyond the call of duty in caring for me when I needed extra help when I was struck down with one of my depressions. He never complained, but cheerfully picked up whatever duties I no longer could perform and did them excellently.

He never stopped loving me, even if sometimes I made it very difficult for him to make him keep loving me, not that I did that on purpose, of course. He was always loyal and true and caring and stuck by me no matter what, even when I turned into a fat porker from all the medication that I was on.

Every time I tried to kill myself, he thought I was worth saving and called the ambulance on time, even when it would have been so much easier to just let me go. When he knew I didn’t want to live anymore.

The man had a lot of patience with me and it paid off. For the last four years, I have been doing really well and I have become more the Irene that he used to know, the one he married, the one he had been loyal to all along.

I don’t know what is wrong with Eduard right now. He has changed and I no longer claim to understand him. He is like sand slipping through my fingers, but I want all of you to know that he has always been a lovable husband, more than any other husband I have ever come across. People always told me how lucky I was and I always made sure I told him that, so he would know. He is not an uncaring selfish human being, at least, he wasn’t until September last year. He met the wrong person, who put some ideas in his head and he was willing to believe them. He became converted to a point of view that I had never heard him utter before. It’s like he met a guru and now he believes everything that guru tells him and my words and my reality are no longer valid.

Well, for all the sadness of it, I will end this here, because now I feel like shit. You must remember that my husband was a very nice person, he was one of the good guys. He was well loved by many people, especially by me and now he is turning away from everybody.

Ciao…

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esp.scape images number 2

Well, so far it has been an interesting night and the storm that I thought was going to be one in a glass of water, or a popcorn fart, has really come rushing in now and it is raining and blowing hard outside and Eduard came home at midnight quite soaking wet and wind blown. Then he still had to take Jesker out in it for his late night constitutional, so Jesker came back all wind blown and wet also, which was remedied by a good rub with an old towel.

I have been unable to sleep since that time and I have been sitting up, reading all the many blogs that I do, and feeling quite alert and not at all sleepy, and I am not worried about it one bit, because it does feel quite cozy to sit here by myself in the friendly lighted living room with not even one cat to keep me company, which is kind of sad, isn’t it? They all prefer the bed and find shelter by Eduard.

We took Jesker to the vet yesterday afternoon, and the vet examined him carefully and then told us that Jesker has osteoarthritis in both his knees and that he is surprised that Jesker can still walk as well as he can, because it is not good. It can be somewhat remedied by surgery, but this is a long and expensive process and doesn’t guarantee anything and because Jesker is almost eleven years old, we are not going to do that. It would mean two surgeries and a year of rehabilitation and we don’t want to do that to him.

So, as an alternative, he is going to be taking a food supplement and a pain medication when he needs it, and he is not going to be able to go on long walks anymore. His walks will now only be twenty minutes long, even though he may want to go longer, because he is a real trooper. Apparently, he has been walking around with this problem for several years and we have only occasionally been aware of it, that shows you what a brave dog he is.

He also needs to lose about 10 lbs, but we’ve always known that, as he was this way when we got him. So, no more treats for him and only dried food and dry crackers. Last night he got very upset with me when I did not give him his usual treat and he barked at me indignantly, until I got up and gave him half of what I usually would have given him. Then he was quite happy again.

By the way, osteoarthritis is a degeneration of the articular cartilage, especially effecting weight bearing joints.

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Miss Understood mentioned Statcounter in her latest post and keyword activity. This means that you can see by what words typed into a search engine people end up at your site. I decided to have a look at my keyword activity, because I have Statcounter also and I had never done that. Most of the keywords were fairly normal, but there was one term that said, “why manic depressive people talk to demons.” Now, that is an unusual way to end up on my site, don’t you think? I wonder how that worked out?

And speaking of manic depression, while I was doing the dishes yesterday, my mind was wandering about in its usual manner, the way it does when I do the dishes and I thought of a number of things and one of them was the following.

You all know that I have a bipolar disorder and that at times I get depressed or hypo manic or that I rapid cycle. Those are difficult times for me and Eduard, but we have found a way to deal with them as well as we can and we have developed quite a routine.

However, when family members or other people hear from me that I am in trouble emotionally, they never fail to point out to me personally how lucky I am to have Eduard, who keeps being so patient with me and who never gives up and always sticks by my side and never thinks about leaving the marriage.

My response is always, “Yes, I know how lucky I am and yes, Eduard is a wonderful person.”

Yesterday something in me got mad about that and I thought, what if I were a long suffering cancer patient who had to go in and out of treatment and take medicines every day four times a day for the rest of her life? Would people walk up to such a person and say to them that they are lucky that their husband is so patient and that they are lucky that he is still with them?

No, of course not! That would be inhumane, yet it seems to be okay to do that with a psychiatric patient, as if I am somehow responsible for my disorder and if I only tried hard enough, I could make it go away.

Well, sorry people, I can’t make it go away, much as I would wish it! It is a permanent part of me, that’s just the way it is and I have to struggle with it my whole life.

It is because people have not thought about mental illness well enough to get the picture clear in their own minds and even psychiatrists have a tendency to blame the patients, especially if you don’t respond well to medication, but we really do need to see these disorders as physical defects that are dysfunctions of the brain and happen for a large part because of biological reasons, and stop laying the blame with those people who are afflicted with them.

Okay, end of my little rant about that. Listen people, there is mental illness out there!

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“Woman must come of age by herself. She must find her true center alone.” This is a quote from Anne Morrow Lindbergh and I got it from Joy here.

How many of you women find truth in this quote? I know that I recognize a big truth about myself in it and I know that my own daughter would find truth in it about herself also, but I will only speak for myself.

I think I come from a long line of emotionally deserted women. Women who were supposed to be tough and Christian and long suffering and if they weren’t, they were declared unstable and unfit company and unfit marriage material.

So what did these women do? They all put on the metaphysical pants and became supposedly tough and the rulers of their households and the guardians of the morals and manners.

They became so tough, that they overruled their husbands in many matters and were not easily intimidated by them. They made decisions and stuck by them and raised their children with an iron fist and a daily dose of heavily laden religion.

But emotionally these women didn’t have their needs met, because they pretended not to have any emotional needs and if they did have any, then their Dutch Reformed God wou
ld fill those needs, as God fills the needs of all people, as He is the only one who can, and you are not allowed to have any that He can not fill.

Who did they turn to with questions about their female thoughts and longings and insecurities? Not to each other, because such things were not discussable, and not to their mothers, because their mothers kept straight backs and straight morals and straight faces.

So you see how each woman was an island and had to come of age by herself and had to find her true center alone and I and my daughter are legacies of those women.

But, of course, things are different now, but when did I start knowing that truly? When it was a little bit too late and I had already done a lot of things too early? It is not good to come of age by yourself. The company of other women is the best you can have, but they do need to be free women who have been liberated from their narrow and restrictive lives and are not taught to be tough under all circumstances.

So, I guess I could say that I understand the quote, but I do not support it and I think such an idea must be helped out of this world. A woman should never stand alone in her coming of age, nor should a man stand alone in his coming of age. People are tribal, lets not forget that.

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Well, I have come to the end of my subjects, so I have come to the end of my post. I see now that I have dealt with some serious topics, but I promise to be more light hearted tomorrow. I am capable of providing light amusement for your relief also.

Have a terrifically interesting Tuesday and make many seriously good offers to the Goddess of Spring, that would be Persephone returning from the underworld.

Ciao…

P.S. Image courtesy of John Mora.

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Jewelry Images number 2.

In order to stay balanced and stress free, I have been spending a lot of my time sleeping these past days. I sleep three hours in the morning and two to three hours in the afternoon. I go to bed at nine o’clock at night and sleep until about five o’clock in the morning. I do wake up a few times during the night and I make myself some decaf then and read blogs until I feel sleepy again and go back to bed.

Now, you will all think, “My, that’s an awful lot of sleep! Doesn’t she have anything better to do?” Well, really and truly I don’t. I think sleeping a lot is the best thing I can do for myself right now, because during my waking hours, I feel a very deep peaceful feeling and I am very relaxed, because I know that when I become stressed and uneasy again, I will go to sleep and I know that when I wake up, the feelings of stress and uneasiness will be gone. So you may call it “sleep therapy.”

I do all this sleeping with the help of pills, I couldn’t do this on my own. That has been my problem all along, that I didn’t get enough sleep at all. I think that after so many months of sleepless nights, my body and my mind are very grateful for all the sleep they are getting now and I am very happy, because it is as though I am on a vacation and I am getting all sorts of rest and recuperation. If only I had realized sooner that this is what I needed.

I am learning to see the bedroom as a pleasant room to be in and the bed as a pleasant place to go to sleep in. It wasn’t always so. I had come to see it as enemy territory where I wanted to be as little as possible. Wasn’t it the place where I was having all those sleepless nights?

Eduard has been great. He has been walking Jesker on all the moments that I am asleep and has not complained about my physical absence. He is a real trooper.

I think that people who are manic depressive constantly have to figure out how to best deal with any given situation. You can read a lot of books and become very knowledgeable about your disorder, but there are always things you are finding out while certain situations present themselves to you. Deep down I knew that structure and sleep were important, but there was someone stubborn in my head trying to ignore the fullest part of the message. I wasn’t willing to take it to the extreme that I had to take it to. There is still a part of me that is unwilling to take myself seriously enough and that keeps muddling on.

Well, I have to keep this short today, because I am on my way back to bed and I have to eat breakfast still.

Have a wonderful day, everybody. Here’s to lots of structure and peaceful moments in your life. Ciao…

P.S. There is always a P.S. I have had a terrific sleep and am sitting here now with a huge mug of coffee. At moments like these, I can truly say, “Life is great.” Isn’t it wonderful to wake up to a peaceful household and sit in your bathrobe for a while and enjoy the serenity? Nothing can beat that.

I have an appointment with my SPN this afternoon at three o’clock, so there goes my afternoon nap. It is kind of a shame that it is scheduled for that hour, but it is all she had available after I canceled my early morning appointment. It will be good to share my newly discovered “sleep therapy” with her, for as far as she doesn’t know about it from my psychiatrist.

Actually, I would rather not have any appointments at all and stick close to home and do nothing but read and sleep and clean house a bit. Be safe inside my cocoon and not venture out into the world at large where there is stress and strive and uneasiness. I know this is not realistic, but right now that is how I would like it.

Well, I must get dressed and do a little bit of work here. Before you know it, Eduard will be home again and I would at least like the kitchen cleaned up before that time. So, ciao again…

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Picasso 2 Images number 4.

Yesterday morning I got my wish fulfilled and didn’t wake up until 6:30 am, which meant that I slept more than eight hours! It also meant that I didn’t have time to write this blog, so I skipped yesterday all together instead of trying to squeeze in a post. I am such a creature of habit that I have to write this blog early in the morning or not at all, because that is when I seem to be inspired to write.

Anyway, I am back to my normal schedule now and I have lots of time to contemplate what to write about.

On Wednesday morning I got a haircut. Yes, my hair had grown enough to need to do that, but I only had a little haircut, just enough to look nice again. My own little hairdresser was there again and I had her take just centimeters off my hair and it looks very nice. It doesn’t look like I got a haircut, which is how it should be. I can actually comb my hair into place now and use hairspray to keep it in place, which was not the case when I had it cut so short this summer. I’ll have Eduard take a picture of it so you can see it.

On Wednesday my sister and I also took the dogs for a walk to the pond and the weather was very good, so we got very lucky as it had rained the day before. The trees have completely changed colors now and many of them have lost a lot of their leaves. When the weather is nice and the sun is shining, it makes for a pretty sight. The colorful leaves on the trees and on the ground. It’s fun to walk through the dead leaves and Jesker always brings home bits of dead leaves that get stuck to his ears and the rest of his fur.

Yesterday morning I rode my bike into town to Eduard’s work and after having had a cup of espresso there, we went into town together to buy me a pair of boots. I was going to buy a pair of cowboy boots, but didn’t see any that I liked and ended up buying a pair of nice ankle boots with low heels that are very comfortable to wear and are very definitely not shit kicking boots. These boots are very feminine and will even look good to wear with a dress. I suppose they are a reflection of my true nature.

Yesterday afternoon a bunch of literature I ordered from the association for manic depressive people arrived in the mail and I spent the afternoon reading that. I now have quite a collection of books and pamphlets on manic depression and I am becoming quite an expert. That is the one thing they recommend anyway, know your disorder!

I have a list of things that trigger a change of mood in me. They can be actions, situations or events. They are things I avoid. One of them is listening to music. I very rarely do that, because I have a tendency to react very emotionally to music and easily get swept away by it. Especially if they are my own CD’s and I have associations with them. The easiest music for me to listen to is some Baroque and Jazz. It is the most rational music to me. I can’t listen to passionate music such as romantically classical music by Tschaikovsky or Mahler or Rachmaninoff. I get swept away by it. To me silence is the best, or music that I don’t react emotionally to.

If I am already in a mood, such as a hypo manic one, I will listen to music and want to be swept away by it. I will play Beethoven’s 9th symphony very loudly. Or if I am feeling very melancholy I will listen to Adagio for strings by Barber and have my heart broken, but I think it is very unhealthy and best to be avoided. It’s like adding fuel to the fire.

Darn, now I am stuck for words and I don’t know what else to write about. I have writer’s block!

Well, that means I’ll stop for now and say ciao and wish you all a good day…

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Picasso Images number 8.

First things first. I have been reading two new blogs for a while and have added them under my favorite blogs today. They are A life of Triggers and Lost in the Bible Belt. You may want to go see for yourself if they are anything you are interested in reading. I’ve tried them on for size and am enjoying them, so maybe you will too.

Today Eduard is making his Grand Tour on his motorcycle. He is going to travel to France by way of Belgium and Luxembourg and then back again to the Netherlands through Germany and Belgium. I think he is going to travel about 500 km. Maybe something like 550 km. The motorcycle is all ready to go and he has his sandwiches made. I have his itinerary in case something were to happen on the way. I am just the least bit worried that something will, but he has his heart sat on it and he has to go. You can’t stop a man who has the distant horizon in his eyes and in his mind. He is bringing a set of tools and a set of spark plugs. I’ll light a candle for him while he is gone and all should go well.

We have noticed that every day, somewhere around 3 pm, my mood goes down the tube and I start to question everything about myself and then some. It happens quite suddenly. One moment I am fine and the next moment I am questioning my past parental skills and Eduard’s love for me and becoming very down and out. We have also noticed, that if I take an oxazepam then, the worst of it can be avoided and if I keep in mind that it is a mood that is striking me, I can also stop some of it’s action from overtaking me.

We haven’t figured out yet what happens at that time to trigger the change of mood, if it has something to do with anything at all. It must, but we don’t know what it is. I can go from a seven to a four or a three quite quickly. It would probably also help if I slept then, but I am usually not sleepy, so I can’t take a nap. So, it is a mystery we need to solve.

It had been our neighbor’s birthday in the end of September, but with all the excitement here, we had not had a chance to go over and give her our congratulations. So, yesterday I went over with a nice bouquet of flowers that Eduard had bought at the flower shop. She was pleasantly surprised and I explained my tardiness by saying that I had been suffering from mood disorders and explained to her briefly about manic depression and rapid cycling, which was a subject that she was quite interested in, having had a father with psychiatric problems and she was quite easy and open minded with the whole thing and so was her husband. We had a nice talk over a good cup of coffee and we all decided that we are happy that we are each other’s neighbors, because it is so easy for us to get along. Aren’t I lucky to have such people living next door to me? She knows about depression, having recently suffered from one herself, so she was not unfamiliar with the subject of moods.

I feel that I am really coming out of the closet with this manic depression. In the literature that I received from the association for manic depressive people, there was also a small size poster with the text: Manic Depressive? It’s Not That Crazy! It took me nineteen hours to find the courage to hang that up in our front window. I thought, “You silly fool, what are you embarrassed about? If you had cancer or heart disease you would hang it up!” The front window is right beside the sidewalk, so anyone walking by can see it.

I have decided to call it manic depression instead of bipolar disorder mostly. It describes what happens to you better and I follow the lead of Kay Redfield Jamison, who says that it is not that clear if mania and depression are two opposite poles. They may be two gradations of the same thing. It is popular to call it bipolar disorder, as this seems to take some of the stigma off the disease and make people sound less crazy, but I like the term manic depression better. It grabs the bull by the horns more.

Eduard has gone out and bought himself the eau de toilette that he had the sample of and that made me take a bite out of this neck. It came with the shower gel and last night he smelled good all over. Neither one of us has ever smelled anything as good as this one. It is called l’instant de guerlain from Armani. I highly recommend it for many romantic nights. Don’t have your husband wear it if you are very sleepy! That would be a waste of a very good eau de toilette.

That brings me to the end of my words. Lately, my posts have been shorter, but, hopefully, more to the point. I do not go on and on about things like I have in the past. I do have a tendency to keep chatting and I know that sometimes I can’t seem to find the finish line.

Today I will be all by myself and we will see how I like that. I don’t know what time Eduard is planning on being home, but I suppose I will not see him before dinner time. I really don’t know if I can last that long without him!

Have a terrific day, everyone, ciao…

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Picasso Images number 3

I fell asleep on the sofa after dinner yesterday and woke up at 8:30 pm. I stumbled off to bed and slept until 5:30 this morning, so I guess I slept enough. I warded off a shift downward in my mood in the late afternoon, by taking an oxazepam and that took care of the worst of it. I think I caught it just on time. The oxazepam and a little bit of self directed psychology saved me from going downhill all the way. Falling asleep did the rest of the job.

I had such interesting dreams last night. It is impossible for me to tell you the whole sequence of them here, because all together it was a long and intricate story, but it came down to the fact that all through the dreams, the Islam played a major role in them, and ran like a red thread throughout all the stories, and so did my complete acceptance of it. Because of these dreams, I now know exactly where I stand on this issue. It is no longer a case of doubt for me and I am glad that the whole thing has been settled in my mind like this. Dreams can be so useful. I no longer see the Islam as a strange and alien religion and Muslims as strange and alien people. Not that I did that much anyway, but any feeling of alienation is completely gone now. So that is all settled then.

I weighed myself yesterday and I have lost 35 kilos, which is a total of 77 lbs. That’s pretty good, isn’t it? I have another 5 kilos left to lose. that is 11 lbs. After that I may try for 5 more kilos, we’ll see. I can eat one slice of raisin bread if I chew it well, but then I am really full for a long time afterwards. The easiest thing for me to eat is cheese, I think it is because I can chew that really well. Oh yes, I must not forget the little containers of potato salad, those go down easy also, but one container is really too much. My gastric band is going to be filled some more on the 9th of November. I can’t wait for that to happen. I am sure that will make a difference again in how much I can eat, making the portions even smaller and I will have to adjust how much I can eat all at once again. It will most likely mean that I will have to eat a half a slice of raisin bread and save the other half for later.

Yesterday I had a very productive day, I vacuumed and mopped the floors and did the laundry and the ironing. I always forget how enjoyable ironing really is and then I want to iron more when everything is done. Luckily, my ironing is never very complicated. I very rarely have to iron dress shirts, for example, as Eduard hardly wears them. I love ironing T-shirts, as they get done so quickly and stack up nicely. Mopping the floors was fun too. I hadn’t done it in a while and it used to wear me out when I was heavier, but now it is a piece of cake. You do get to see quickly what a difference it makes. The cats walk across the wet floors and leave their little paw prints there.

I am officially a member of the association for manic depressive people now, as yesterday we paid the first dues and I also got some literature in the mail. I think it is a good move and that I will find quite a bit of support this way. I think it is very silly and misguided of me that I have tried to make it on my own these past 5 years. I thought I could manage quite well and that if I pretended I didn’t have this disorder, I wouldn’t have it and I would be free of it for the rest of my life. Of course, I was ignoring all sorts of things in the meantime, such as hypo manic moods and depressions. I did call my psychiatrist if I thought it was necessary and sometimes he made adjustments in my medications. Mostly I tried to make it on my own and I took some pride in that.

Well, sooner or later you run into yourself again. I lived a very quiet and secluded life. There were hardly any outside pressures and I kept everything down to a very dull roar. I was almost like a hermit sometimes, especially when I was depressed. It’s only since I started on the Topamax that I have really crawled out of my shell and become an almost regular member of society again. I think I became a little bit over courageous. It is possible that, when I was hypo manic earlier in the summer, I thought I could do things that I am actually not capable of.

Jesker has been out here for a long greeting. He wanted to be petted for a long time. When Gandhi tried to come and be petted also, he growled at her. He is such a jealous dog. I scolded him and he looked guilty. Gandhi doesn’t care. She just goes her own way anyway. It does mean that I have to keep this post short, because now I have to feed the cats and walk the dog.

Speaking of dogs, not that my husband is one, but he has been all over me like a little puppy lately. Full of enthusiasm and love. Whenever he sees me, I get kissed and hugged. He is full of romance. I am not complaining in the least!

Okay, people. I’ve got to go. Have a wonderful day, ciao…

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Tropical Fish Images number 4

I don’t tell you many stories about our dog Jesker. I talk about him, but not in great detail, I guess, which is really a shame, because he can be such an amusing animal and smart too.

The other day, our cat Gandhi was using the sofa as a scratching post. Of course, she is not allowed to do this and Jesker knows this, so he went over to her and pushed her away from the sofa with his nose until she let go and stopped scratching. I saw this and praised him very lavishly and told him what a very good dog he was for having done this. He wagged his tail and took the compliment very happily.

Some time later, Gandhi was using the sofa as a scratching post again and Jesker went over and pushed her away from it, but this time he didn’t stop when she let go of the sofa, He kept pushing her all the way across the living room into the hallway, with her sort of waddling ahead of him while he pushed her. When they got to the hallway Jesker stopped pushing her and barked at her twice and then looked at me and wagged his stubby tail, as if to say, “Look what I did, aren’t you proud of me?” He then gave Gandhi one final shove and came back into the living room to receive his accolades and be petted and praised by me. Which I did of course, I made a big deal of it. He’s a smart 10 year old dog!

When he hears cats fighting outside, he comes to find me, wherever I am, and barks at me until I follow him to the back door and open it, so that he can go outside and bark very loudly to scare the cats away. At least the cat that is threatening to have the fight with our cat Toby. When he’s done that, he pees against the winter blooming jasmine for good measure and comes back inside where, again, he is praised lavishly by me.

When it is dinner time for the cats, and I am not paying attention, Jesker comes to me and starts moaning and groaning at me. If I ignore him he starts to bark. I pretend not to know what the problem is and ask him what he wants. He will start to walk quickly from me to the cats, who are waiting on the dining table, and back again to me until I get the message. Then I say, “Oh, do the kitties want to eat?” He barks at me and I get into action. He does this, because he gets the very tiny little bit of leftovers from their dishes when they are done eating. He is very happy after we have done this and the whole thing has been settled.

He is also a jealous dog. When Eduard and I are talking to each other across the living room, Jesker starts ‘talking’ too, we can’t have a conversation by ourselves. He does this by making various moaning and groaning and barking sounds. He does the same thing if we hug and cuddle and he stands on his hind legs to try and be included in the hug. If we just each sit down in our regular places, he doesn’t do this, he only does it if we are in different places in the apartment, nor does he do it when we are in bed. When Eduard comes home, he always makes it a point to greet me first and then Jesker, so Jesker will know his place in the scheme of things.

That dog is a source of amusement every day. He never ceases to amaze me, it is almost like having a small child around, but a fairly well behaved one. He understands many words and can usually figure out what you are trying to tell him if you keep it simple. That’s why we sometimes have to speak in a foreign language, so he won’t know what we are saying about him.

He has a specific way to let you know when he wants to go for a walk. He sits with his back very straight and his head pointed at you and makes high whining noises that are hard to ignore and if you ask him if he has to go out, he starts to run in a circle from happiness. So that means ‘yes’. He never does that with me. He only does it with Eduard. When Jesker and I are home alone, he just waits for me to take him, but when Eduard is home, he demands his walk. Like, “Lets you and me go out now and water the neighborhood.” Jesker is a much less demanding dog for me than he is for Eduard.

So, those are my dog stories for today. You can tell I’m feeling better, can’t you? Yesterday was an ever so much better day and I did piddlydit. I hung out on the sofa and did absolutely nothing, I just took a day off and I didn’t feel bad for it at all. Well, I walked the dog, I did that, but I drank a lot of Senseo and smoked many cigarettes and contemplated my navel a lot and that was all the mental energy I had and that was enough. Oh yes, I also called my daughter and had a nice conversation with her. It’s good to talk to your daughter when you are feeling better.

In the afternoon, Eduard and I saw my psychiatrist and when we got to the point in the conversation where Eduard and I suggested that maybe it was better if I had a psychiatrist who specialized in the bipolar disorder, my psychiatrist looked almost relieved, as if he too had come to the end of his rope and thought it was time for someone else, but had been afraid to suggest it. I had told him that I had felt very alone and neglected and he didn’t protest when I said that. I think we are both well past our due date and he is going to try and arrange an appointment for me with a psychiatrist in the regional office who specializes in the bipolar disorder. Hopefully he is still taking on new patients. This doctor also has a team of specialized psychiatric nurses who support him and he also does a lot of psycho-education and life style education.

I am also going to join the Association for Manic Depressive People and find out what sort of things they have to offer beside their quarterly magazine. My psychiatrist said that it would be very helpful for me to come into contact with fellow sufferers, but that it may be difficult to find people who rapid cycle. I am not worried about that, as feeling manic and depressed are the same no matter how often in a year or a month or a week you do it.

My psychiatrist said, “I think I know you very well.” And I said, “I don’t know if you really do.” I told him that I had sat in his office while I was hypo manic and that he had not recognized at the time that I was and had thought only that I was obnoxious and had been irritated with me. Of course, I had not realized I was hypo manic at the time either, it wasn’t until afterwards that I realized I had been, when it was too late, the damage had been done. I said to him, “I don’t know if you recognize me in all my different moods, if you know what is going on with me then. I think you don’t know me that well at all.”

This is a man who for the past five years has only seen me twice a year and who’s main c
ontact in that time with me has been by email and telephone. I would say that I have been a very neglected patient in that time, although I have to add that in the four years preceding that, our contact was very intense. I don’t know what happened, I think he became disillusioned and disinterested and I think it happened during one of my hypo manic moods.

So, when I get this new psychiatrist, I am going to make sure that he knows my moods and that he knows how to recognize my moods, what I do when I am in my different moods. Hypo manic moods can be difficult to recognize, so it is important that he knows what I do then. Like becoming very religious. That’s a sure sign. Kneeling in catholic chapels, burning candles, praying fervently. Like being very self assured and thinking that the world is my oyster. That I can do anything and that nothing is really a problem, that overoptimism that I can have. Making commitments to things that I can’t make come true later on down the line.

In the past I have gone out and gotten cats, that’s why we ended up having five cats, which we just have gotten rid two off. We would have had eight cats if some hadn’t died. I got the dog while I was hypo manic, but that turned out very well. He turned out to be a very good dog, but think of the commitment you take on. I mean, if I were in my childbearing days, I would be popping out babies left and right.

Well, anyway, you get the drift. Need I add more?

I am feeling pretty good now. I had an Oxazepam yesterday evening, when I was feeling just a bit shaky and it helped. It made me feel very relaxed and that was nice and, of course, that’s quite a difference to the 4 or 5 I was taking every day. If you take one once in a while, you sure appreciate it when it works.

I am hoping to get some stuff done around here today. I need to do the endless vacuuming and I need to do laundry and clean up the kitchen, so what else is new, right?

Have a great day, all of you. I am going to visit your blogs now and see what you guys are up to. I hope you all have a wonderful day, ciao…

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Appel 1 Images number 7 and Dreams

The morning has already been enjoyable, when it has hardly started yet. I have visited some other blogs and read comments and left some too. Some imbecile left strange comments on my last post, which I deleted, all of them. Watch, now I will be deluged with more strange comments. I wonder if I need to put script recognition back into action or if that will help at all? Apparently, this is a persistent person. Well, you will have those nuts too, I suppose.

Anyway, so far it has been very pleasant sitting here and I can almost forget the calamity that has taken place here and that is eating away at my heart a little. I will put it out of my mind for now.

It is so nice to visit other people’s blogs to see what they have to share. A lot of it is art, which is welcome always, although I am not an artist myself and I know very little about techniques and materials. I do enjoy the process and the product and can stand in real admiration when exposed to some one’s inherent talents. You read some real sensible comments too from other people about the art and you learn a lot. When you instinctively like or don’t like something, they are able to express why that is so and I can appreciate that.

I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed that I challenged an American politician to a duel, because I disagreed with the man’s opinions on just about everything. I was amazed at my own audacity at challenging him, having never fought with swords before. Anyway, the politician accepted my challenge and then proceeded to finagle his way out of it in all possible ways. He had his little men to do that for him. I kept being totally ready for the fight and it would be postponed for some reason. Finally, at one point, we fought and it was short and sweet and I won. I won the right to put living plants on all the windowsills of all public buildings no matter what the costs involved. This included buildings like museums. Every window got plants. We even got to use antique pots to put the plants in, as long as we didn’t break any of them, which I then proceeded to. I broke nearly every pot I touched, but somehow seemed unconcerned about it, as was everybody else and it all seemed quite anarchistic.

Now, the politician was sort of a cross between George Bush Sr. and Ronald Reagan and I am pretty sure that he stands for my ex husband. The antique pots stand for the traditional American values as politicians interpret them for the people, and the plants stand for my children. So, that makes that dream pretty straight forward, doesn’t it? I suppose I don’t have to explain that my ex was a Republican and very conservative. This is one of the few times that I have been able to interpret a dream that easily, in which the symbolism was that clear to me. I must add that the plants also stand for my ideas and my values, which I gave to my children when they got older, of course. We always used to joke that I had two children, one to cancel out their father’s vote and one to vote for me who couldn’t. I would have had more children, but my ex only wanted to have two children, as he came from a very large family himself. Considering the state of the marriage, this was probably for the best, although a lot of other things might have happened if we would have had more children. Who’s to know?

That’s all second guessing and I won’t do that now. I think it is pretty neat that I interpreted my dream that easily and that this story still is taking up such room in my head subconsciously. I know that, in my sleep, I rehash my former circumstances regularly. It was such a large and important part of my life. Twenty two years is a long time when you are 53 years old. I was seventeen when that story started and thirty nine when it ended, so you can see what a large part it played in my life. I had my children then and that certainly is a very life altering event, becoming a mother. I have to say right here, that I would not have married that young under normal circumstances. It certainly wasn’t part of my master plan for my life. I married my ex, because a lot was lost in the translation and I didn’t know him that well. We only had a short time together before we became engaged to be married.

I also dreamed that my friend Lucien and I were preparing dinner and that we had both planned to prepare a chicken. We both thought that our recipes for the chicken were unique, but when we laid out all of the ingredients, it turned out that we both had all the same fresh products. We had even brought our own pots and pans to prepare the meal in and argued about which pans to use. I thought my ingredients were better than hers and that we should use them and that my chicken was superior to her chicken. I had beautiful fresh herbs to make bouquet garni with, but so did she. And I had a very nice black pot for the chicken, but so did she.

Of course, this is also pretty obvious, in that Lucien and I both have Bipolar Disorder and we are always comparing notes. We are always asking each other about symptoms and medicines and comparing how we act and react. Maybe, subconsciously, we are trying to figure out which one of us has the best Bipolar Disorder. Maybe I am. I don’t know if she is, maybe it feels that way to me. That is very odd, isn’t it? Trying to be the best psychiatric patient. Trying to be the best at a disorder. Trying to have all the classic ingredients, i.o.w. according to the recipe. So the chicken is our disorder and the ingredients are our symptoms and the pots and pans are our bodies and our minds. That’s another easy to understand dream. They should all be that easy, or am I just quick on my toes this morning?

No, I didn’t dream about Eduard and X and I hope I never do. I would not like that one bit. I hope I can ban that part of my life out of my subconscious forever. Consciously, I’ll think about it, yes, when I have to, but that is all the time I want to waste on it. I nearly lost Eduard and that is a horror story I would rather not contemplate too often. I know that I can live without him, I would just rather not, because I have really and truly, very consciously, made the choice to be his wife forever until death do us part and beyond that, as far as I am concerned. Eduard really is my best friend and I would hate to lose my best friend.

There’s something really good about the coffee again this morning. It must be that drugs smuggler’s coffee again. And the cigarettes taste mighty fine also. No doubt those elves have been here again during the night. Isn’t it great when you can get high all by you
rself because you happen to have a disorder? I find that to be a very pleasant side effect. It’s like a rush of some drug running through your body, but you know it is just you all by yourself doing it. I remember having this effect all my life and not knowing why and looking for a reason for it and thinking it had something to do with my circumstances. Now I know it is just a rush of happiness that I get all by myself out of the blue and that nothing special has to take place in order for me to get it. I get it more often now than I used to. It is like I am more susceptible to it now. I think I spent so much time feeling depressed, that there was not much of a chance for this feeling to come to the surface. I am sure that with the Topamax this has become possible. They should put that as a warning on the box, “May cause sudden rushes of happiness when least expected.”

When I was a child, I was very susceptible to moodiness, I could go from being a quiet, withdrawn, dreamy child, to being a loud and happy child and I think I have stayed in one or the other of those conditions my whole life. Unpredictable. Like they say here, “Johnny laughs, Johnny cries.”

When I went on the scales yesterday morning, I weighed exactly 92 kilos, so I have lost a little bit of weight. I basically eat the same thing every day. A piece of Maasdammer cheese, a small potato salad and some Melba toast. Yesterday I cheated and ate a peanut butter sandwich, which I couldn’t finish and gave to the dog and for which I then had to hang over the toilet a bit. Well, you do learn you lessons the hard way and it did taste good the first time. I love peanut butter and we still have one jar of it and I am sure that I will cheat again some day, just in a smaller portion. Sometimes I really miss eating certain foods. Yesterday, Eduard was having a pizza and it smelled so good! The dog and I were both drooling, but there is no way I will try to eat that! I also miss eating spaghetti, but I know I will overdo it when confronted with a plate of it. It’s best if I am not even within a five meter radius of those kinds of foods.

When I cook, I still have the tendency to cook for too many people. I am used to cooking for four people plus extra in case somebody wanted to stay for dinner. I still haven’t figured out how to cook for two people. All of the portions of ingredients look to small for me, especially now when I can eat so little. So, when I cook, I fix too much food and then I feel compelled to eat more of it then is good for me. I am a little bit like a food junkie. See food, must eat food! It’s a bad habit from when I was young and could eat anything I wanted to. So I cook for an orphanage and maybe that should be my next job. I know that when you are a cook, you very seldom sit down and have a regular meal, you just have a bite here and there. That would be perfect for me.

Well, now I have to make cigarettes, because I am smoking the last one. I will end this epistle now, although I may add to it in a P.S. later on. Some mornings you just don’t get done rambling, no matter how small the subjects. It’s because of feeling good.

Ciao, people, have yourself a good day. I will do whatever it takes to have a very nice one myself. If I drink enough smuggler’s coffee and smoke enough elves’ cigarettes, it should work out okay.

P.S. Yes, you knew there would be a P.S., but this is to tell you that I have just received the gender neutral Awesome Dude Blogger award from Rotten Correspondent at Confessions of a Rotten Correspondent. Now, isn’t that a great way to start the day? I really like this award very much and I am going to pass it on, of course, to some one else, but I have to think about who that will be. So I will let you all know that soon. In the meantime, I am basking in the glory of my new award, so awesome dude!

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Manic Depressive Disorder.

Hah, I have been sitting here all afternoon visiting my fellow bloggers, leaving behind comments, some of which may be good, some of which may be mediocre, all of which were heartfelt. In the meantime, a comment would come into one of my own comment boxes once in a while and I took the time to answer those. It certainly has been a very nice leisurely way to pass the time and as I am feeling mellow all over the place, I couldn’t have asked for a better afternoon. Eduard even walked Jesker for me, so I didn’t have to get up and comb my hair and wash my face and try to look halfway decent, because I didn’t have to go out in public at all.

We decided not to meet at the bookstore today. The weather wasn’t all that great and I felt more like sitting here behind the computer than getting on my bike in the cold windy weather, so I bowed out gracefully. Maybe if we had a car, I would have gone, but I thought it was to windy and cold to go by bike. And it was so nice and cozy inside!

So anyway, the dog is laying on the floor by Eduard’s chair sound asleep and snoring just slightly and Eduard is watching the news, which I am going to watch at 8 pm. I was going to address some of the issues that you have to keep in mind when you have the bipolar disorder, things you have to do and not do to simplify your life and to keep the risk of recurrence as small as possible.

The thing is, that the sooner you are diagnosed the better it is for your further prognosis, because when you are diagnosed early in life you very often only have to take lithium to stay balanced and you may have very few recurrences of manic or depressive episodes. If you are diagnosed later in life, and most people are, chances are that you are going to need a combination of medication to keep your symptoms under control and the chances of recurrence are greater, in spite of the fact that you faithfully take the medicines.

If a manic depressive disorder is not treated, episodes will start to recur more and more frequently and become more serious in nature. Nowadays it takes about ten years for the diagnosis manic depressive to be made. If you are treated or not, depends on the seriousness of your complaints and your persistence in seeking out help for your problems. If you are persistent, you will find the person who takes your complaints seriously and can give you the proper treatment.

People with the manic depressive disorder very often have other psychiatric disorders, the most frequent of those is the panic disorder followed by problems with alcohol and drug abuse.

When you have a manic depressive disorder, you have to take this into account really almost daily. Regularity is very important as is using your energy wisely and economically. A manic depressive disorder can put a lot of strain on personal relationships, because of the unpredictability of the disorder.

The same goes for building up a career, usually people have to let go of lifelong dreams of having smashing careers and have to settle instead for very low stress jobs with very regular working hours, even part time jobs.

Having children is a very difficult decision to make as you may need to quit your medication while you are pregnant with all the dangers that come with that, depression or mania.

Making long term plans can be difficult, because very often you don’t know what sort of shape you will be in in 3 months time or in 6 months time. Manic depressive people very often end up having to cancel their vacation plans because of a recurrence of their symptoms. There always has to be made the consideration between what one is able to handle and between what one would like to undertake.

A lot of people, especially in the beginning, have a hard time accepting the diagnoses and have a hard time accepting the fact that they have to take medicine for the rest of their lives. On top of that, many people are very attached to their hypomanic episodes and are loathe to let go of these, in spite of the depressive episodes. Psychotherapy can help with the acceptance of the diagnoses and with the acceptance of having to take the medicine for the rest of your life. It also teaches you to live with your disorder in a sensible way, to help prevent further episodes of your disorder.

A manic depressive disorder is a very bothersome disease that can cause you a lot of problems in your daily life. It is not the same for everybody. Some people have many episodes, some have few. It is up to you to keep things as much as possible under control by taking your medicines faithfully and by following a course of psycho-therapy and being under the care of a good psychiatrist who has knowledge of the disorder.

It is important to live a regular life, your sleeping and waking rhythm should be as normal as possible. You should know all there is to know about the manic depressive disorder and it is important to find out in which way you have the disorder. How does it affect your life? For which disturbances in your life are you sensitive? What doesn’t bother you at all? For which things do you have to be alert and which things do you do well? Knowledge is power, power over your own disease.

It is my own personal experience that my life should not be too eventful. Things need to be settled down to a dull roar as much as possible with the occasional outburst of activity. There always need to be days of rest and order and quietness. Too much stimulation is not good, it upsets the applecart. When I am hypomanic, iI have a tendency to not want to end the day, but it is very important then that I go to bed on time and keep a normal rhythm in my life as much as possible.

When I am depressed, it is important that I get enough sleep and not browbeat myself for the things I am unable to do. In both cases it is important to keep regularity as the most important ingredient, that and predictability will pull me through.

It is always very important that I plan my days and weeks carefully and that I don’t do too many things spur of the moment. I keep a calender handy and write down every activity I am to undertake, no matter how small it is.

That’s all I can think of right now. It was just a little lesson in what happens when you get the bipolar disorder diagnoses. Remember, medicines are very important!

Ciao…

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