Forty winks.

I got up earlier and thought I was done sleeping. Ha! Who did I think I was fooling? Back to the sofa I went to catch another forty winks and now I am truly awake. I can be such a foolish, stubborn woman when it comes to getting up in the middle of the night and thinking I am done sleeping. Mother Nature interferes and makes me fall asleep with the mouse in my hand, nodding off behind the bright screen of the PC, stubbornly sitting somewhat upright in my desk chair, chin on my chest and eyes firmly closed. It’s amazing that I don’t fall out off my chair, but we do have survival tactics that prevent us from going bump in the night.

I finally finished reading all the blogs I started reading yesterday morning and will have to start reading them again all over again after I finish writing this. You see how I don’t have very many dull moments in the day. There is always something to catch up on and I do need all those little in between moments of absolutely nothing. Those moments when I sit on the sofa and do nothing but drink coffee and smoke a cigarette and think about unimportant things. That is not hard to do, there are unimportant things that require my attention too in my life. I like to keep it that way, uncomplicated and without intricacies and made up of many simple events in many simple sequences.

This is because I don’t like the way I respond to the least amount of stress or the least amount or perceived stress. Sometimes I feel a small sort of empathy with how I understand autism works. I can imagine a little bit what it is like and I feel some of that within myself. I also saw some of it in my son when he was a little guy, so I did a lot of reading about it at one time and some of it was familiar to me. I understood some of it and recognized some of it just in small amounts and have had some fascination with it since then. Although I haste to add that true autism is a terrible thing to have and I wouldn’t very lightly wish it on anybody. I just seem to have some elements of it to some degree.

I had downloaded some new music to my MP3 player and put it on random play and it is now actually randomly playing this new music. Sometimes it seems to only repeat music I have already heard before. Oh yes, I am sitting here with my headphones on. Norah Jones is on now.

I will have another week of physiotherapy for my back, but it is so much better already and I think I am much improved and can stop after two more sessions. I didn’t think I would have this much benefit from it and I am very pleased. I can highly recommend it to anybody. Manual therapy, remember the words.

Oh yes, today is Friday, the magical day of the week. My favorite day of the week. How wonderful!

Yesterday afternoon I had tea with my sister in her garden and we had a huge conversation about life and how we two as individuals stood in it and how much we were shaped by events in our shared past and our common bonds and how those things had influenced the way in which we dealt with things as adults and wives and mothers. If you ever want to prove the hypotheses of childhood influences on the course of a subsequent lifetime, I suppose my sister and I are the proof of the pudding. We have been disfigured and misshapen and misinformed and unreliably prepared for life and at this relatively late age we have to find out about causes and effects that other people find out in their 20’s.

Luckily, between the two of us, we can be brutally honest and show our worst sides to each other and own up to our least flattering aspects, but also retrace the causes for them and hopefully learn something about them. Life is a journey taken backwards in order to move forwards, isn’t it? Those of you who have had relatively normal childhoods will not understand this. There are parents who screw up their own lives and their children’s lives royally. Who should never have had children to begin with.

Okay, enough of that. I forget to be not so serious and heavy handed . I do have this tendency to take everything very seriously, I realize that. I should be the advocate of some cause. Maybe Greenpeace has a place for seriously dedicated people like me.

My older sister is going through the grieving period of having lost her husband and not having an easy time of it. She seems to be lost and not have found a good reason to keep going. She has no motivation at the moment to keep up high spirits and because she owns her own business, she has all the responsibilities that come with that and the problems of the recession on top of it. It’s tough being a small business woman and keeping your head above water, especially if you are in mourning and business is not going well. I don’t know how to help her, except for being a listening ear and being thoughtful and understanding.

We do all seem to have a bit of resilience in us that keeps us going no matter what, although I have been the one of the three of us who has tried to bow out. We are strong in spite of ourselves. We are strong for the sake of our children. Our children are strong for the sake of us, let’s not forget that. Anyway, it’s hard to wipe us out.

I’ve told you in the past that I thought that live was supposed to be like a novel, didn’t I? Or like a well scripted drama? Like a bigger than life epic? That happens when things happen in your life that defy normality. You start to expect and accept drama and events. If they don’t happen by themselves, you make them happen and you don’t do that out of malice, but out of a sense of need and want and hunger. You think enormous events need to take place that are life changing in order to move things along and keep them alive and well and healthy. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth.

Life in our family has behaved very strangely sometimes, regardless of what I did in it, but I have added to the drama of it. I do very little of it now and I try to keep the drama very small and self contained and involve the least amount of people. I do derail occasionally, but I get back on track more quickly with less wounded people.

Anyway, we need some art. Let me see what I can do about that.

I just heard this in a song, “the more I walk straight, the more I end up in a perfect circle.” That sounds just about like me and I think I will end with those very applicable words.

You all have a really nice Friday and, for goodness sake, enjoy the day. Just think of the weekend ahead of you without the least amount of dread. Just like I am so good at doing!

Ciao…

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Early Saturday morning.

Yesterday evening Eduard noticed that I was acting dysphoric and that I had been since the afternoon. I could only think that this was very perceptive of him and do something about my medication.

Actually, there was more that I could think about doing, being dysphoric and all, but that would have been counterproductive. I am still feeling quite contrary, so I am not out of that mood yet, and I see imaginary danger in shadows all around me. I am doubtful and weary and leery. I am suspicious, but I know it is my imagination and not to put too much value on it. A little bit of paranoia goes a long, long way.

Now I am sitting here having odd thoughts through which I swim towards reality. I must ignore the unreasonable and the illogical and come to some sort of rational thought. I think I still know the difference. I may have to take an extra pill.

I must document this process of me trying to emerge from my own irrational thoughts. Swimming in a jar of amoebas, trying to get to the surface and get out of it. It is thick and sludgy and tough going. Emerge I will. Victory will be mine. No, I am not like Nero watching Rome burn down or like Caesar conquering the barbarians.

I have just taken another pill (the kind that melts on your tongue and works quickly) and I have busied myself making cigarettes. I have turned on the kitchen faucet for the cats, but now they are only sitting there staring at it as if it is a great landscape feature like a waterfall. Maybe it works soothing for them, like a babbling brook does for us. They are absolutely hypnotized by it.

It is the coffee and the cigarettes that are giving me some semblance of normalcy. They are pulling me through this, but I think that pill is starting to work, because I am clambering out of that jar of amoebas now. I must get into a most normal as possible state by this afternoon. I can’t be all fragile and unbalanced. It will be unseemly and awkward if I am. Always go for the gold.

Life is a question of priorities, but as your mood changes, so your priorities change. When you are feeling dysphoric, all you want to do is feel as normal as quickly as possible and that means feeling not irritated and not suspicious and not impatient. Those are your only priorities then and you have no other goals or interests but those, unless you are so caught up in the feelings that you are not aware of them, because no one has pointed them out to you, and you are just speeding along in them being a danger to yourself and innocent bystanders.

Every change in mood brings the responsibility of its own set of priorities to straighten out situations as quickly as possible. So, in a way, you are constantly doing damage control and setting new priorities, unless you are between moods and are in a neutral space and have neutral feelings, when priorities seem to present themselves in their own good time at their own slow pace. I know very few people who live in spaces like these, but they do exist and I can hardly take them very seriously, because they have not done battle, but I do envy them their lives.

Of course, nobody is safe from external factors, such as war and natural catastrophes and death. We all have to deal with those things and receive the blows of them. These things don’t discriminate between those of us of complicated minds and those of us of easy minds. Imagine how difficult it must be to receive these blows when you are, for instance, already clinically depressed or hypo manic or dysphoric or psychotic. It is my experience that during such an episode, I can deal with the catastrophe, only to go tumbling down twice as hard afterwards and fall very deeply and stay down very deeply at an almost unreachable place. The catastrophe gets internalized and becomes part of the psyche of the person who was struck and is woven into the fabric of her mind.

The image above is made from a collage by Lisa Sarsfield. Here is the original:

Yesterday, I spent a lot of time sleeping. Every time in the morning I thought I was done, I went to sleep some more on the sofa, until I was well and truly done at noontime and I walked Jesker, but then Eduard came home early in the afternoon and we took another nap together until 4 PM, which was lovely also. I don’t know where all this need for sleep is coming from, but it is most welcome. I get so very grumpy when I need to sleep and ignore it and it feels like my world is falling apart when all I need is sleep. I also feel a great desire to eat when I am tired, so that’s a real big signal. It’s hard to ignore that one.

Our Queen was on a state visit to Estonia. She was traveling by herself, except for all the usual attendants and security people, of course. She is 70 years old and her husband, whom she loved very much, died some years ago. Sometimes the crown prince and his wife accompany her on visits, but often she goes alone and I feel so sorry for her. She always has a cheerful, smiling face and always looks attentive and interested and never seems to tire. She always has to look as if she is in the best of moods and as if she is knowledgeable about every subject, which she probably is, knowing our Queen. She is the best ambassador to our country that we have, but the the cameras show her sitting by herself at the dining table at some state diner and she is all alone and I do feel for her. We think she is going to abdicate in two years time, at least, that is a slip of the tongue she made to the many journalists that follow her.

There, that was just some information about the Queen I threw in. A bit of culture about the Netherlands. Oh, and her name is Beatrix of Orange-Nassau and the crown prince is Willem-Alexander of Orange-Nassau. I think he will be King Willem the IV.

I bet in England, Charles is never going to be made king and William will be crowned king after his grandmother, so you will have a King William there as well.

It has just started to rain like crazy and it is thundering also, so our spell of heat is over. It was fun while it lasted, but I didn’t get out in the sun much. There will be no tanning for me ever again. No extra wrinkles in this delicate skin which is still peachy smooth. Hey, I can’t help it, great skin runs in the family.

Okay, I think I am off to bed again. have a great day.

Ciao…

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Fabulous Funky Friday.

‘t Pothuuske

Thursday evening 10 PM. I started ultradrian rapid cycling at 6 PM and although it came as a bit of a shock, when I thought about it later, it really didn’t. I had an odd day. Got up very early, then spend several hours being completely absorbed in trying to download ring tones for my mobile phone, which I could not get to work at all and I was so absorbed in that, that the house could have burned down around me and I wouldn’t have noticed. I was completely distracted to the point that I failed to pay the proper attention to Eduard and Jesker and just basically neglected them.

Then, foiled in my attempts at getting the ring tones, I went back to bed and slept for several hours, not wanting to push my luck in the sleep shortage department.

I slept for several hours, but instead of getting dressed and cleaning up the apartment as I usually do, I got involved in blogging and did that for several hours. I also organized my images files. Then I drew up a really nice contract between Eduard and me about his one afternoon in the week off, that he gets to spend however he wants, that we were both happy with and got all the spelling mistakes out of that and we copied and signed it.

Then I messed around with my mobile phone again, because now I didn’t have a single ring tone anymore and suddenly I got it to work and now I have about 10 ring tones which is 8 more than I asked for. Well, happy days are here again!

So, I was super absorbed in not my regular kind of jobs and being kind of obsessive about them and feeling like I was kind of in a stupor and having not eaten properly, so when six o’clock came along, so came the very down mood and eating didn’t help. Pretty soon I was in bed crying my eyes out, feeling that the world was coming to an end. I had taken all my medications and luckily I was asleep very quickly and when I woke up I did feel better. It isn’t over yet, but I am getting there.

God

Needless to say, I didn’t get any housework done and things are piling up after one day even. There is dog hair everywhere and the dishes aren’t done and the laundry needs to be hung up to dry. But that will be for tomorrow.

Friday in the very wee hours of the morning. I remember writing the above text and getting so frustrated because of all the mistakes I kept making in it. More than usual I mean. No doubt none of my medications had worn off yet and I thought they had and couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t type anymore. At one point I was even swearing and it does take something to get me to do that! I ended up going back to bed and sleeping some more and I think I am okay now, but I am not sure. I am not sitting here all depressed bawling my eyes out, so that is a good sign.

I just took an oxazepam and my mood stabilizer, because I realized I was a little off schedule with those and every little bit helps, doesn’t it? I guess it really means that secretly I think I am not okay at all, but for now I will pretend that I am. I will pretend that I am brave, even though I am not at all.

I’ll make some art, that will help.

Monet 7

I seem to be using a lot of yellows and greens, I must get over that and try an get into some other colors, or am I destined for these?

Oh Lord, I am trying my best to be so cheerful here , but the point is that I am not.

I have to think, if I were on my own in this world, how would I fix this problem? What would I do?

I would probably first eat a whole carton of non fat yogurt in bed with the lights on. And I would try all the different ring tones on my mobile phone. Then I would turn on the radio and have music and I would take a slew of pills and go to sleep. And I would keep repeating that until I was over it, even if it took weeks.

Somehow that seems like a perfect solution and as soon as Eduard is awake, I will start with that program. I will move the radio to the bedroom and eat lots of yogurt and take pills to sleep with. And I won’t come out until I get over this miserable feeling, except at night to blog.

Well, I’m glad I solved that problem!

Yellow Tulips

Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to read some blogs I go. There is not a sensible thing left in me to write down, except to say that if all is vanity, I am the vainest of them all. All of those in agreement, raise their hands. Thank you!

Have a fabulous, funky Friday and make fists full of dough. With poppy seeds.

Ciao…

P.S. The medication I took has done its job and I feel much better now. In another half hour I can take the rest of it and I should be as good as new. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind!

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Fortitude and stubborness.

It seems that I am bound to sit here all night writing posts. I am doomed to post writing, so it is very important that I point you to the post below this one which you really should read before this one here.

First for a new paragraph of Six sentences go here:

Hanging up Laundry.

Accolades will be received with the kindest of feelings and be hugged to my body for warmth. But that is not the post I am talking about, that one is down below. Once you’ve read that one, you can come back here.

I have actually gone to sleep for awhile but I am up and about again, after I started to drift off to sleep behind the computer. I had enough sense to safe this little bit of text in spite of my sleepiness.

I just read all of your comments that I received on my other post. You people don’t mess around, do you, you tell it straight like it is and that’s the way I like to hear it. So keep those comments coming to that one and this one as well, of course, but I got super feedback on the other one. You are all so righteously indignant for me and I need that after getting a bit of a brainwash here. Getting a bullshit story! It’s good to have friends like you who set me straight. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I need to hear the straight story, people.

I made some art last night, but now I have to find it as I forgot which folder I put it in. Hold on…there it is, at the top of the page, but I have lost the original image. They were stacked vegetable and fruit boxes. You’ll have to take my word for it, then. Scout’s honor.

The husband is still laying in bed having hopeful dreams, no doubt, that last night was all bit of a nightmare. Well, it was a bit of a nightmare, but that doesn’t make it less true. We’ll see what he is planning to do about his date today, as he didn’t want to discuss it last night, being very weary and having had too much wine too drink. I bet he’ll get up all cheerful an happy and pretend that nothing is basically wrong, except that Irene had a conniption fit that lasted 6 hours. But then she does have tendency to be mentally unstable, you know! A good night’s sleep will cure that. and some pills taken at the right time. Right!

I said tohim last night, “You two are a real right pair, you know, you don’t care what happens to someone else as long as you can be together.” Eduard says that basically it is my choice to react the way I do and that with time I’ll get over it. I think I will go and take my medicines now before I get overexcited again.

Okay, done that.My psychiatrist did increase my mood stabilizer yesterday and we’ll see if it has any effect, I should be able to tell fairly quickly in both the ups and downs, but that does not make me a mad woman who can’t reason and know when something is not right and goes against my better nature.! For God’s sake, I have been lied to.

Here is a portrait of me using lomography. I have to look the meaning of that word up.

Lomography emphasizes casual, snapshot photography. Characteristics such as over-saturated colors, off-kilter exposure, blurring, “happy accidents,” and alternative film processing are often considered part of the “Lomographic Technique.” Users are encouraged to take a lighthearted approach to their photography, and use these techniques to document everyday life, as the Lomo LC-A’s small size, simple controls, and ability to shoot in low light encourages candid photography, photo reportage, and photo vérité.

Well, you grow a little wiser every day, another word added to my vocabulary, although I think Lisa Sarsfield used it recently too on her photo page, which I have lost the link too.

I am so ready to get properly dressed now and to take on any battle I need to take on, although I know I’ve got all morning. I feel so damn righteous and he will make me feel like a child that always wants to get her way. Because he has been so good to me all these years. Talk about laying on the guilt!

Ciao, I must go powder my nose and put on my warpaint.

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Fairly good Friday.

So, here I am again on this fairly good Friday morning after a good night’s sleep for a change. I must have a very clear conscience to have slept so well. Is it possible that all this time I didn’t? Nah, who am I fooling! I am as innocent as a newborn lamb, ahum!

Last night I went to the film house with Eduard decked out in my newest clothes, looking rather smashing, if I do say so myself. I sat at my usual corner of the bar, where I can observe all the action and all the people and had cappuchino’s and Coca Cola lights with a twist of lemon. It is a pleasant way to spend the evening and eavesdrop on the conversations around me if the music isn’t playing too loud.

I check out everybody who walks in or who stops by the bar to get a drink and see them as potential partners, well, at least the men I do, and I imagine what it would be like to wake up beside them in bed, and then you realize that there are very few you would like to with. I check out the women to see how attractive they are and what they wear and how they’ve fixed their hair and their make up. I always like the most unusual women, the kind that really stand out from the crowd and not because they are the most attractive.

I like unusually decorated women with beads and earrings and bracelets and interesting rings. No diamonds or gold! I don’t like men with short stubby fingers or hair in their ears or coming out of their noses. I don’t mind baldness one bid. And I like women who have slightly messy hair, as if they just woke up with it. I don’t like short men and I do like tall women. I would hate to have to look down on a little dude and I would love to look up to a taller woman. I am 5 foot 7 inches myself, at 171 cm, I’m the short one in the family. They used to call me little Irene. Oh yes, I do like it when women wear super red lipstick and it stays on really well and I am always amazed by that.

Every head bartender chooses his music and last night we had Jazz all night long and that was so nice and mellow. Some of it was real slow and sexy, with the saxophone or with Sarah Vaughn, whom I learned to love very early on in my life, because my father was a fan of hers.

You don’t need booze to have a nice night out, I am the living proof of that and Coca Cola lights with a twist of lemon make you feel just as nice. Oh, and there was one man who sat at the bar and kept checking me out, which was flattering, of course, but he was with a woman who was obviously his wife and then I thought he was a pathetic creep for doing that. His wife was a nice enough looking woman too, so really…

There was a big movie poster hanging on one of the walls with a woman’s face on it and the title of the film: “Il y a longtemps que je t’aime.” I fell in love with that poster and just had to have it and I asked Eduard what I had to do in order to get one and he said, all I had to do was ask, so he went off and in about 5 minutes he came back with a rolled up copy of one. He is going to buy a big frame for it today and then we are going to hang it up in the bedroom where I can look at it every night when I lay in bed. It is so super romantic and it is just what I always want to say to Eduard. No, romance doesn’t die after 50.

I feel good now, like I knew I would. That’s the title of a song, people! At least I think it is. I am probably a bit hypo manic, but for heaven’s sake, isn’t that ever so much better than being down and morose and out of sorts. I’ll go now and take all my medications and that should straighten me out in no time at all.

Have a Fumbly Fairly Good Friday and do not wear any Frumpy Clothes. The Frumpy Clothes Police is out full force on Fridays.

Ciao…
P.S. Image courtesy of Lisa Sarsfield and John Mora.

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A puppet on a string

Monday evening, 7 :30 pm. I’m on my own again, drinking decaf, listening with half an ear to the Belgian news, knowing it doesn’t matter if I miss most of it.

I took a nap this afternoon and woke up at 5 pm slightly disoriented, but feeling ever so much better than before I went to sleep when I was suffering from one panic attack after another and I could not stop them from happening, no matter what I tried.

In the Netherlands we call them fear attacks and maybe that better describes them, because I do feel absolute terror when I have them. It’s like being in a very scary movie that you can’t get out of. My oxazepam ended up being quadrupled, but I can increase it one more time and maybe I will try that and see if it gives me any relief.

The fear attacks start early in the morning before the medication has had a chance to start working and, of course, I reach for the wine to calm my nerves. It does have an immediate effect and that is what makes it so appealing, although I do hear your chorus of concerns in the comments box and I will try to not reach for the wine first thing tomorrow morning but increase the oxazepam first and take it sooner to head of the first attack.

I realized this afternoon that I looked on the calender wrong and that my appointment with my SPN isn’t until Wednesday. That seems like an awfully long time away and I talked to her on the phone in a panic today and she was able to waylay some of my fears by just talking very calmly to me. I don’t know if she knows how scary it is to have a panic attack and how it immobilizes your head into one state of mind and that is the one of fear.

I feel like a puppet that’s being jerked around and about on its strings by a crazy unpredictable hand. I should not let it get the upper hand of me, but I can find no solid ground under my feet. I realize, being manic depressive, that this is a worst case scenario for me to find myself in and that this is not at all conducive for the stability of my moods. I can only assume that the workings of my medications is keeping me somewhat “normal.” Ha, I laugh about that word.

Eduard invited me to go to the film house with him tonight and although it sounds tempting, I find I do not have the right kind of enthusiasm and curiosity to go. Whatever happens there, will have to happen without me. I don’t feel like drinking and there are only so many cappuchino’s you can drink on one night, even though they do come with good cookies…

…much later. I’ve just had an hour and a half conversation with my sister in law who also happens to be a therapist and she told me some very interesting things and gave me lots of feedback. She told me about a kind of therapy that is called Past Reality Integration and that may be very helpful to me, She gave me the name of the website that discusses it in detail and there was a book there that she recommended and I ordered it right away while I was on the phone with her. I am never one to waste time on ordering helpful products and I am all for reading literature that can be helpful to me. The website is called www.prionline.nl. There is an English flag in the corner for the English language site.

Tuesday morning 4:45 AM. I’ve just reread all of your comments and I realize that I am abusing the wine and that I have to stop using it as a crutch, especially while I am taking so much medication, and that I really can’t keep imbibing in it the way I do now as if there is no tomorrow and every day is a new opportunity to drink and the day before didn’t count, because…well, it just doesn’t! I am probably poisoning myself if I use it the way I do along with the medication and I was drinking at least a liter a day. This is by someone who doesn’t regularly drink at all! It’s all nothing or everything with me.

So, today I am going to take my medication on time, with an increase in the oxazepam, and lay off the wine completely and whatever panic attack I am going to get, I’ll just live through it and remember that it isn’t actually going to kill me, even though it feels like it will.

It is also the talk I had with my sister in law that helped me very much as she said some very pertinent things to me, which I won’t discuss here, because they are very personal of nature and although I bare a lot here, I will not bare all. Needless to say, they have to do with having been a little girl in difficult circumstances and how you carry that little girl with you into adulthood and have her automatically react to major life events in the primary sense at first.

I stayed up and waited for Eduard to come home last night and told him that I do not want a divorce now, but that I want to consider all of our other options first and he agreed with that and said that is why he made an appointment on Wednesday afternoon with the psychiatrist.

So, basically, I need to retrieve some of the power over myself that I seemed to have given away and to not feel so helpless in all of this. I do have the power of choice and I do have the say over what happens to me. I am not a puppet on a string! I celebrate that fact by having made a series of new images and posting them here. Maybe I will do more if I feel celebratory in the next days.

Now I am going to wish you all a terrifically tireless Tuesday with much dragon slaying and damsel in distress rescuing. Trusty steeds can be borrowed at my stable at 8:00 AM continental time.

Ciao…

P.S. Tomorrow will be my 500th post.

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Leaping tall buildings.

Monday morning 8:30 am. No sooner have I finished writing one post or I feel compelled to start another. It is this necessary compulsion to write down my thoughts and my fears, as if this post is my therapeutic talk I have with you, my audience, and by writing about what I feel, I will lighten my load and understand better the process of what I am going through. What I really need is a real life therapist, but my appointment with my SPN isn’t until tomorrow and to me that seems like a long time away.

I took my medication while the fear was vibrating through my body like an angry swarm of bees. I waited for it to work, to take the edge off and then found myself reaching for the bottle of white wine, because I know it will take the edge of immediately. Kids: do not try this at home! Every parent who walks by here with her kid on the way to school, will see me sitting here with a glass of wine in my hands. “Be careful kids, that’s where the alcoholic lady lives! The one with the cats that always sit in the window.”

I realize that I do not sit in the director’s chair of my life. I am letting the destiny of it depend on someone other than me and it is a scary business. I am not even the leading lady, but I play a secondary role and am at the whim of stars greater than me. There is one person holding the reins in his hand and he is playing his cards close to his chest and showing a poker face. Who would have thought that such a kindhearted man could be the gatekeeper to such heartbreak.

It’s always been my secret ambition to be an alcoholic and maybe now I will become one. It all depends on the outcome of my life. You either do that, or jump of a tall building and I do have a fear of heights, tremendously! I always have the urge to fly off buildings, as if I am harking back to some prehistoric time when I was a creature with wings.

So, I drink white wine and I feel ever so relaxed and all the fear that I feel bubbling up in me like hot lava, cools off to a gentle pool of softly simmering water that you could even comfortably bathe in.

Am I a tortured soul? I think I must be and be like the literary giants who were tortured and wrote great literature while suffering from great mental anguish. Not that I achieve that kind of quality, of course. I would not compare myself to Hemingway and shoot my head off with a shotgun. Or be like Fitzgerald and drink myself to death.

I will just be an obscure blogger who thought life got very uncomplicated and easy suddenly and then was made out to look like a fool and had the contrary proved to her quite open handedly and cruelly one day, because life turns out to be a joke that a very funny Semitic God plays on you. He of the Jewish humor who was so readily embraced by protestant Holland. What do you mean, the desert God? You mean the God of low lying polders and dikes and windmills.

Well, anyway, which by the way is my favorite word, anyway, back at the ranch, the cats are laying on the bed and the dog is splattered on the ground in the hallway. Sometimes he chooses the most uncomfortable spaces to lie down. I think there is a method to his madness, but I don’t know what it is. I am still looking for my own method to my own madness.

Possibly I have ended up in the wrong reincarnation and I was meant to be somewhere completely different, in another body and another life and this is just a complete misfit. I thought in the end there, I had it all figured out and that I was in the right place with the right person after all, but it seems that you can momentarily be lulled into a sense of security that is not after all the real one, no matter how much you want it to be, no matter how much you promise to give your life for it.

Do you think that some people have misfortune smile on them more often than others? Have shit happen more often than others? Have bad karma? Is there a solution to it, or do you just sort of have to live through this life and hope for betterment in the next one? Or do you suddenly cut it short?

Well, this is turning out to be such a long post, that I am just going to publish it as the second post of today, while reminding you to read the real post of today that is below this one and has the neat link in it to the Six Sentence Paragraph which can’t be missed.

I am truly in the blues and would sing them if I could, but I can’t carry a tune and will never make it to Motown or Nashville or wherever they sing them.

Ciao, i miei viaggiatori del collega.

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Much Ado About Nothing Monday.

It’s Sunday afternoon 1 pm and I’ll start this post now to finish it tomorrow morning. It gives my idle mind and hands something to do on this quiet afternoon.

I was sitting at the dining table, making cigarettes, and I said to Eduard to come sit with me to keep me company and we both had a glass of wine to make it cozy. I asked Eduard if he knew why I had beat him up that Tuesday at the SPN’s office and he said he wanted to hear me say it. I said it was because of a feeling of fear and anger and impotence and that I normally don’t go around beating people up, which he should really know about me already, having been married to me for more than 14 years. He said that he hopes that I don’t keep reacting that way every time he is trying to be honest and I said that I had grown up a lot since that time.

It’s an unpredictable life we lead and everything and anything can lie in ambush for you around the corner. It certainly makes you a very weary person and oh so careful. At least I got Eduard to talk a bit, because it seemed that he was avoiding that and I feel that he is keeping a lot of his feelings left unsaid and I sure as hell hope that he is going to make another appointment with the psychiatrist like he said he would.

My next appointment with my SPN is on Tuesday morning and I will make sure I show up there dead sober and of sound mind. Apparently it is very obvious when I’ve been drinking by the alcohol fumes that I exhale. Can’t fool anybody that way. Not that I want to, mind you.

This morning I didn’t read many of my regular blogs, I couldn’t find the necessary energy and interest to do so. I am going to try and do it later today and leave, hopefully, amusing comments. I sure try hard. It is absolutely necessary to keep a sense of humor about you at all times and if not that, then at least be sage and wise. That’s a rule I just invented.

In a while, we are going to my niece’s birthday party and we are dressed to the nines, wherever that expression came from. We look spiffy. Even Eduard is wearing a nice pair of slacks and not his usual jeans. I will be able to eat just a little bit of the excellent fresh fruit vlaai that my sister always has (with freshly whipped cream) and of which I wish to eat more, but it can’t be helped, there just is no room. I am going to have some wine along with the other grown ups, which is something I didn’t used to do; I always drank juice. How is that for changing a habit?

Right, I’ll talk at you more later, but first I’ll add a picture of what a fresh fruit vlaai looks like.

Sunday evening 6 pm. This should be called a log and not a blog the way I am writing it a little bit at the time. Just like a captain’s log on a ship: the weather is fair and there is land in sight and the natives may be friendly!

It turned out my sister had three kinds of vlaai and none of them was a fruit vlaai, so I had rijstevlaai instead, which is a vlaai with a rice pudding filling which is made with cream and very delicious. Here is a picture of it:

Imagine something very soft and smooth and mouth watering inside that is all creamy and thick and tastes just sweet enough to make you want to take one bite after another. Of course, I could only eat a little piece, but we had that vlaai and others with espressos and that was delicious.

After that we had wine and champagne and delectable treats such as curried salads and soft French cheeses and hard sausage and patés. I had a little bit of almost everything and I feel like I have eaten like a king and my little stomach pouch is very full indeed.

Some friends of my niece were there and some friends of my sister and brother in law and we had a fun time telling each other what we call “strong stories.” We outbid each other with stories that really happened. Of course, we don’t tell the best ones, because those could be embarrassing. We just tell the ones that don’t socially embarrass us or the ones we love. We just make a snide remark here and there that we barely get away with disguising it as a joke.

I had my two glasses of wine and then switched back to espressos and kept drinking Senseo’s when I got home. I have enough sense not to drink too much and to really know my limit and to know when I am not really funny anymore. I can be astute on occasion, but I can also be obnoxious and I really think two glasses are more than enough to keep the sentimental bullshit to a minimum.

You know, I wonder if the words you write are imprinted with the subconscious thoughts that you have while you write them down? Do feelings like frustration or disgust or carelessness show through? Can you tell someone’s sincerity when you read the words and the other words the people thought when they wrote them down? I wonder if the words have the memory of that? I think I am getting in a little bit deep here, as a matter of fact, I may need some waders.

Eduard has fallen asleep in his chair while he was watching sports on TV. It’s the wine that’s making him fall asleep and the dinner he just ate. The man is insatiable. If only he weren’t so!

Okay, I have to keep some words for tomorrow morning, or otherwise I will not have anything sensible to say in the wee hours when I get up. I’ll see you people then…

Monday morning in the wee hours: It is always so exciting to open my eyes and to know that it is late enough for me to get up and turn on the computer so that I can have a good time with my mug of Senseo and my cigarettes. I am a woman of such little pleasures, so imagine when I have some real big ones like yesterday. I completely revel in them!

There may just be a slight possibility that I am more of a social animal than I have let myself believe all these years. I am turning out to be quite a gay and chatty woman and a real “look at me Ma, no hands” sort of person. I think the improvement of my Dutch is helping too, because I was complimented on it the other night for speaking it so well after having lived abroad for such a long time. Believe me, it really helps to read Dutch literature. It helps you say important things without you putting your foot in it.

I fell asleep on the sofa last night and made it to the bedroom with some coaxing from Eduard. Then I fell asleep sitting up eating crackers and made it down under the covers with some more coaxing from Eduard. I think he has a secret life after I go to bed and am sound asleep. Unfortunately, I am too sound asleep to find out what it is.

I have lost 4 kilos in the last couple of weeks. That’s about 8,8 lbs. Pretty good, I say. I have done it by eating a lot less than I was eating in smaller portions and now my stomach pouch is shrinking and not allowing me to eat too much. Suddenly eating food seemed to take on a much less important role and just became a thing I have to do occasionally.

And now for something completely different. You may or may not have heard of the on line magazine called Six Sentences. Well, go to the link down below and read something I have written and gotten published there:

A Smart Dog

You may remember this paragraph from an earlier post and I am having another piece printed later this week, which I am sure I won’t forget to tell you about. I am about to send in another six sentence paragraph for approval.

Accolades will be gladly received in the comments box, hee, hee!

Here is a picture of the star of the story, we can’t forget about him, after all.

That brings me to the end of this post. No, really people, it really does. I could go on and drivel some more, but I won’t.

Remember today is Much Ado About Nothing Monday and you know how those days go. We all need to face it with much fortitude and common sense.

So, have a great day, or a terrific night and always be true to your true love!

Ciao…

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One hell of a Thursday

It is Wednesday afternoon just past 2:30 pm. Eduard has just left to go to his psychiatrist appointment and we will see what comes out of it, if anything. I am not holding my breath, as I realize it may take more than on talk for him to get his thoughts straightened out and I am avoiding the subject, because I don’t want to put undue pressure on him. I will wait for him to tell me what he wants when we wants it.

The increased dose of tranquilizers is working out very well. I feel very calm and focused and feel that I can pay attention to the details of my life without getting overwhelmed and still look at all the possible scenarios. It feels a lot better than drinking all that wine and I gladly leave that in the bottle in the refrigerator. I may have a celebratory glass in the evening later, it all depends if there is anything to celebrate.

I consider being a single woman and find that I can picture myself as such, at least it is not a big black hole I am looking into. It is a complete life I am looking at with lots on ingredients in it. It isn’t at all bleak and empty. It is amazing what a body is capable of withstanding in the end, the possibilities are endless. I do know that, if Eduard wants a divorce, I want him to leave the apartment as quickly as possible, so that I can get on with this life on my own. No need to stretch the thing out endlessly. That would only make it painful and frustrating. He will have to find temporary other living quarters.

It is clear that I get to stay here in my familiar surroundings with the cats and the dog. I wouldn’t have it any other way. It is where I am comfortable and where my heart lies. It would be too traumatic for me to have to move, being bipolar on top of that and not dealing with major changes very well. They are always cause for major mood changes and we don’t want that.

I actually have come to think of myself as a survivor and I know that I can take care of myself well. I will not end up neglecting myself or the animals. I will take care of my responsibilities and I do have my sister to help me and who will pitch in when I need her. Then there is my older sister only a phone call away. And then there are all of you, my blog friends, who are so dear to me. I do have a lot to live for and there there are my psychiatrist and my therapist and the good medication to keep me on an even keel. I may shine after all.

I am slightly hypomanic, in spite of the increase in the Risperdal and in spite of the increase in the Oxazepam, but it is okay. My glasses are a bit rose colored, but I say, let them be for now. It is better than getting bogged down in dooms day thinking. I must see the optimistic side of things and see the posibilities and not the downsides.

As I type this I am listening to the music on my Sonific Song Spot on my weblog. Every day I delete some songs and add others to keep it interesting. Some of the music really pulls at my heartstrings, but that is okay too, as long as I am not a sentimental rag, which I am not. I feel myself opening to other areas of my soul that I have been neglecting and that is good too.

Maybe this is a time of renewal and rebirth, such as the Phoenix rises from the ashes, maybe Eduard and I will both be a Phoenix in our own rights. Together or not.

I wait and hope and say little prayers that twirl up into the sky like slivers of smoke. Up to my Higher Being and he will know the road that lies ahead of me. It is not quite overseeable for me yet, but I do have inklings of ideas.

I will post more lately, when I am inspired again and more knowledgeable about my journey. A little ciao for now…

It is now early Thursday morning: before I go on to a further description of life here at the ranch, I must tell you about two wonderful awards I just received and which made my day a little bit more happier.

The first one is called the Blog of Distinction Award and I got it from Mean Moody Middle Aged Mom. It looks like this and I am very happy with it, of course:

I think it is a very distinguished looking award and it will do wonders for my sidebar, really jazz that thing up! Thanks Mean Mom!

Then I got a second award From Cath at Crazy Cath’s Reflections and with it, she has made an honest woman out of me, because it is the Gratitude with an Attitude Award that I had stolen earlier and handed out to some people already, but now Cath has made it officially mine and I can rest easily now. Thanks, Cath!I have already handed out the last award, but I still have to hand out the former. So the Blog of distinction Award will go to:

1. Andrea
2. Diane Clancy
3. Alfonso
4. Maggie May

Having made some people happy this morning, I will now get on with the rest of my story.

You see, I am about to be a divorced woman. I have already taken of my wedding band, because as of yesterday, I no longer consider this to be a valid marriage and consider it over and done with.

Eduard came home from the psychiatrist and told me there were three options.

1. We stay married and he declares that he will be forever true to me. (He admitted difficulty with this however and could not really make the promise)
2. We stay married and I allow him his side adventures with the other woman, or whatever other woman may come down the line somewhere sometime, because he could not vouch for his fidelity.
3. We get a divorce if I can not live with that.

Well, needless to say, it didn’t take me very long to figure that one out, as I had already come to that decision beforehand and I point blankly told him that I would divorce him, because I believe in an exclusive marriage and after 14 years of it, I am not about to go sharing him with other women and that I had made my mind up about that a few days earlier already.

He bewilderdly asked me if we could stay good friends afterwards and I said that that is something I do not want to be, on friendly terms yes, to take care of whatever business we need to take care off, but not good friends, no, not that. I have been way too much hurt for that.

It is now a question first of all, for Eduard to find living space and to take his personal possessions with him and two of the cats, Toby and Nouri, as 3 cats and a dog will be too much to take care of for me.

It is difficult to have him here, if he is no longer here in the capacity of my husband. He is in the way and I want to get on with my life.

I don’t know if I am in a state of shock. I think I raged enough on Tuesday and I am now quite calm and can envision a
life on my own and what I need to do in order to pull that off successfully.

Of course, I don’t need to tell you what a fool I think Eduard is for throwing away a successful marriage, because he can not promise fidelity. He says he still loves me and the life he has with me, and that I am the best partner he has ever had, nor is it his intention to move in with the other woman. I think he is just a very foolish man indeed and I think he has no idea what he is letting himself in for.

I have been picturing my life on my own and part of me feels a great big relief, because now I get to be out of this bad drama that I found myself caught up in against my will. Eduard can still be the love of my life, but I will just not be sharing it with him anymore, and I do believe in a destined path and that I am at a fork in the road now and that I am meant to choose the path that I had not envisioned. The sun still comes up there and the skies still are blue and I will not fall into some deep dark hole that is a bottomless pit.

I sure am glad that I get to blog about this and that you all leave me such encouraging comments. It really helps a lot and I feel very fortified by them. I also have my sisters and my therapist and my psychiatrist and my favorite aunt, who are all very supportive people.

Well, that is the end of my story for today. It does not find me a nervous wreck or a little heap of crying human being. I have a strength in me that I didn’t know was there and I do see the future as something that I will handle well in the end.

I leave you with good feelings and good intentions for the best of Thursdays and may you slay many dragons and wayward husbands that hide in caves avoiding daylight.

Ciao…

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Wonderful Wednesday?

The possibility exists that in the foreseeable future I will be a divorced woman. When I first realized this, I was very devastated and I thought it was the absolute worst thing that had ever happened to me. Worse than the murder of my mother and worse than the death of my son, but now that I’ve grown somewhat used to the idea, I realize that I will be okay, although it is not the outcome that I want and not the outcome that I would have wished for.

You see, I love my husband very much and I thought I would be spending my dying days with him, but now it is possible that I may not and the thought needs to grow on me and I need to get used to the idea. The wine is again giving me Dutch courage, but I am waiting for a prescription from my psychiatrist for a stronger tranquilizer that will prevent me from falling apart and going to pieces completely. Don’t tell me there is no courage to be found in wine! If I drink it at a steady rate, I find just enough courage for me to be able to say that I am doing just fine, thank you.

We saw my SPN this morning and she encouraged Eduard to be completely honest and say the things that needed to be said and not the things that he thought I wanted to hear. Well, he certainly took her up on that. And you know what I did? I physically attacked him! I beat him with my fists and called him names and the SPN had to interfere and call me to order. The side of my hand and my pinkie still hurt. All my anger came out in a huge rage. Well, really! Such anger and hurt came out and why oh why do you think it did?

Well, it is Tuesday afternoon 12:45 pm now and I am completely calmed down. I talked to both my sisters and it is actually my older sister who gave me the best advice. She of the calm and sensible attitude, who doesn’t let herself be swept away by emotions. I told her every time I am, I will call her and if that was okay with her and she said, of course! It is good to have sisters to talk to, especially the kind that keep their heads on straight when drama is happening.

Eduard is at work now, but will be home at 3 pm. He wants to talk and I am ready. I am as cool as a cucumber. I cried all the way home from the therapist’s office. I didn’t care who saw me, I had a pocket full of tissues and bawled my eyes out. Tears ran down my face and dropped on the asphalt. I nearly got run down by traffic, because I was senseless off. I didn’t care.

Jesker was very upset when I came home crying. He didn’t know what to make of it and I gave him a treat and he very quietly went off to eat it, but then he kept looking at me as though he knew something was wrong. I said, “It’s you and me and the cats, kid.”

Well, that’s all I’ve got to say for now. This will be a running commentary. I will add more to this later. When I have hopefully had my tranquilizers. A little ciao for now…

It is now Wednesday morning and I have just gotten up. I am stone sober and have not had a drink since 1:30 pm yesterday afternoon. Instead of giving me a new tranquilizer, my psychiatrist has tripled the amount I was already taken and I can quadruple the dose if I want to and feel the need to. So far, it is helping me a lot and I feel a lot calmer. It is also helping me sleep a lot better, which I am always very grateful for. I fell asleep very early yesterday evening and was out like a light in no time at all without me remembering reading my book even.

Eduard has one of his first appointments with my psychiatrist for his own benefit this afternoon. Hopefully, a lot of good will come out of these talks and Eduard will be able to get everything straightened out in his head that he is now concerned about. I can’t discuss what is happening with Eduard and his feelings too much here as this is my blog about my feelings and I don’t want to expose him and his feelings and thoughts, unless he specifically tells me I can.

We did spent some real quality time together yesterday, so it is not as if we are only spending time in strive with each other. I, for one, have a great need to feel his nearness and hear his words and be hugged and comforted by him. You must remember, that in spite of everything, he is my best friend and my lover. At times I feel great anger, but I also feel great love. Eduard is the love of my life, in spite of the fact that I have been badly hurt by him.

We will see what I normally call wonderful Wednesday will bring us. I am hoping for peace and serenity and lots of positive things, but you never know. Life is fickle and continues to throw you curve balls. I need to get good at catching those, let alone hitting them out of the ballpark. I suppose I will equate life to a baseball game and I am at bat and I need not to be struck out and try and make it to first base. That will be where my sanity lies then. And that is how I will go around the bases until I get to home base. It may be a long game, or it may be over quickly, we will see. I am all of my runners and all of the people at bat and Eduard is throwing me the curve balls.

It seems the winter weather is finally leaving us. A few days ago, it actually snowed just a little bit and it hailed, but all day yesterday the sun was out and it wasn’t very cold out. The weatherman says that the temperatures will be slowly rising and before you know it, we will be able to go out in our summer jackets. That is, if I still have one. I will have to look on the coat rack and see what is still there. I think everything I had was too big and I had gotten rid of it, so I may have to go out and buy something new. Woe is me!

Miss Understood was so kind as to give me the Attitude With A Gratitude Award back yesterday in her comment, so I am adding that to my sidebar today. So thank you, Miss Understood! I appreciate the gesture. It is nice to get back something you have stolen and have been handing out so freely, but Cath from Crazy Cath’s Reflections says it would have come our way anyway, I should have just been patient. So Cath, maybe you can make it official yet.

I think that on Friday, Eduard and I will go downtown and I want to go to the chapel and light a tall candle and have a word with my Higher Being. It has been awhile and I think we must have ourselves a bit of communication to retrieve some of our old feelings that we shared last year. I need to get across that I appreciate the Good and learn my lessons from the Lesser Good, if that is at all the purpose of them, I don’t know, because the ways of the Higher Being are a mystery to me. I don’t believe in Punishment, I do believe in Lessons Learned and not repeating them in the future. If I must go on the road less traveled, I need some guidance along the way and I am hoping to find it in the chapel by the beautiful statue of Maria and the Child, whom I always see as the personification of Mother Earth.

Right, those are my words for today. Courage I must have above all other things, and serenity.

In spite of all things, I wish you a wonderful Wednesday, in which you find many things to be grateful for and which will be a day to remember as being an especially good day.

Ciao…

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