What the hell?

Because I had to live on a teeny little welfare check for two months, that was not even enough to buy groceries with, Eduard supported me financially the best way he could by also borrowing money and making ends meet. Because of this, Social Services sees this money as income and is therefor not giving me my regular welfare check for this month. As a matter of fact, I am getting no money at all. So, until September the 20th, I will have to live on the money I borrow from my Visa card, because money borrowed is not considered income, because you can show that you are having to pay it back. I can not receive money from anybody else, as that will be considered income and will be withdrawn from my welfare payment. I can submit an objection, but it is all going to take precious time and in the meantime I am going to be very poor and owing a lot of money.

Still, after the initial shock of it, I decided to put on my happy face and consider myself lucky that I even have a credit card with enough credit left on it that I can borrow the money from. I would have to go through all sorts of lengths to get money otherwise and frankly, I would not know how, except for hanging a red light in the window. So, I’m trying to look at it cheerfully.

The man who is handling my case at Social Services now is new and he thought that the money I had received from Eduard was an alimony payment and that I would get that much money all the time. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry and I told him that I was sorry, but that I had to pull myself together and that I would call him back shortly. I did have to pull myself together emotionally and I don’t like to do that while on the phone with a well meaning, but complete stranger.

This also explains why the tax people, who decide about my rent and medical care subsidies, told me they would call me back later this week between 1 and 3 PM. They are probably also assuming that I received a large amount of money in alimony payments and will forever. I sure do have some straightening out to do.

Anyway, this bright and happy news did set the tone for the rest of my day, even though I did not want it to, but I couldn’t help but be affected by it. The best thing to do is put on my brave trooper face and act like the whole damn thing is not going to get me down and it won’t in the end. I just hate bureaucracy and the stiff unbending rules that make it work against the little honest people. Eduard and I should have lied our heads off or have made different arrangements, but c’est la vie.

In the meantime, life at the Pondorosa continues with all the regular things that take place, although today was a little bit off. I did walk Jesker four times, but we didn’t make a long walk once, because he gets out of breath so quickly. He pants for a long time when we get back. I have been noticing that this summer. It’s not the heat, because it hasn’t been warm here at all for quite awhile.

I am having fun with Facebook, because this time it is I who picks out who I want to be friends with and I have a eclectic set of rules that only I understand. It comes down to instinct basically, guided by some very basic standards. I manage okay that way and have made some new friends. I even got Eduard to join, which is a miracle of itself.

Tomorrow I have wonderful ergo therapy and we will discuss detachment. I feel I have to crawl into my shell when I get bitterly disappointed, but maybe the thing is to seek your solace amongst people and their healing presence. At least I assume their presence can be healing. I am Irene the Brave, master of all my emotions. Right!

Eduard was here this afternoon, because his mobile phone is in my name and we thought his subscription had to be renewed and the person who owns the phone has to do that. It turned out that the subscription didn’t need to be renewed, it does it of itself, so that was a waste of time, even though they told us last year that we would have to do this. I had my passport and client number all ready for it too. Good intentions all the way down the line.

I am especially looking forward to going to bed tonight, even though so far I am postponing it, but it does mean an end to this rather disappointing day. At the same time, I don’t want to go to bed with even the slightest defeated feeling, so I am staying up until that is completely gone.

Jesker is snoring beside me after he has been very good about letting me put his eye drops in.

The differences between the cats and the dog are really so large. The dog is so dependent on me and the cats are hardly at all. Well, yes they are for their food and water and milk and they let me know very loudly when they’ve run out, but other than that, they are independent creatures that make up their own mind about when they come and go and when they need attention and how much they want. I am much more like a cat that way, because I like my independence too and I hate to be shackled to a time and a place and a person. I would hate to be a dog and I would probably bite my owner in his bum out of frustration. Maybe that’s why I am always so overly nice and patient with Jesker, because I would hate to be him and be dependent on a human being. I try to be an understanding human being for Jesker. I felt the same way when my kids were little and they were dependent on me.

I swept the apartment with a broom and a brush and dustpan this afternoon, because i thought the tax people might call me and I don’t hear the phone when I have the vacuum cleaner running. It worked equally well and you would be amazed by how much sand and hair I swept up. Actually, it was a meditative sort of job and kind of pleasant to do and I may do it again. The drawback is that I don’t vacuum the sofa and chairs then, so I will have to do that another time or wave my magic wand and have them turn out perfectly clean that way. Ha, I wish.

Well, I’ll end this epistle and go and do some other things until I am good and ready for bed. I could go on forever, but I don’t want to bore you with every tiny detail of my life, fascinating as it all may be.

See you all tomorrow, sleep tight.

Ciao…

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Another Dog?

This morning, during ergo therapy, I was telling everyone about my week and I was also telling them about the Überhund and his osteoarthritis and his cataracts and how he is getting old and is going to be showing all these old age disabilities. The leader of the groups asked me what was going to happen to me when the Überhund died and I answered that I was going to have a very tough time with that, because he is like my child and my whole day is centered around him.

This resulted in a discussion with the whole group about me getting another dog now, so that the loss won’t be as bad when the Überhund does pass away. Most people were for it and some had their doubts, but it did get me thinking and when I got home and found the time, I checked out some of the local websites of the Humane Societies where you can see a photograph and a description of each dog that is up for adoption.

I found one dog that is about 6 years old and a crossbred hunting dog. He is very friendly and gets along well with other dogs and likes to travel by car. The only problem is that he is in Heerlen, which is 14 kilometers from here, so I need transportation, although I can go by train.

I called my sister and told her about my potential plan, but she was very busy and gave me a very negative reaction to the whole thing. She could not explain at the time why she felt that way, because she had company, but she said she would call me back later. I am curious to hear her objections.

Apparently she had already given it some thought and had anticipated some sort of move from me like that, which is funny, because I never talked about it. Now I do feel that I have to have permission from my sister to get another dog, because I am dependent on her for transportation. Don’t you hate being in that sort of situation?

Anyway, I suppose I will listen to her arguments and then make up my own mind about it. I will have to get a collar and a leash and an extra pillow. I realize that two dogs will be extra work and extra costs in food and vet bills, but it should also bring two times the amount of joy and love.

If anybody has any feelings about this, please feel free to share them with me. I am open to all input.

Today, at ergo therapy, we discussed our lesser personality traits like I thought we would and I discussed the one I called my stand offishness, which is really a kind of detachment. It is strange, but other people don’t experience me that way at all. They think I am friendly and kind and open. They don’t realize that I hold back a lot and keep putting up that invisible wall.

We took turns leaving the room and the group had to pick a card out of the whole deck that best described the person that was gone. When I came back, they had picked for me ‘smart mouthed’, which I had to laugh about heartily, because I do have something to say always in a more or less humorous way. It’s a humorous sort of cynicism.

Anyway, the theme we are going to be working on is ‘detachment’ and why we have it and what function it serves and how we can possibly get over it without getting our feelings stomped on. It takes courage not to be detached and you get that way because of many experiences that taught you to be like that.

Now that I’ve got all me medications sorted out again, the leader of the group said I looked better than I had in a long time. It just goes to show you that I must not mess with my medicines. It’s a big no no.

Well, I wont quite say goodbye on this post yet, but save it for later tonight, after I’ve heard from my sister and what her arguments are. I’ll just save it for now. So you’ll hear the rest of the story in a while.

My sister called me back and was quite honest with me about why I should not get another dog at this time. She reminded me how expensive it is to take care of a dog properly, buying him good food, taking him to the vet, getting him groomed regularly and that this was already difficult for me to do for the Überhund, let alone for another dog.

She also thought that I was too attached to him and saw him almost as a human being instead of a dog and that I need to work on developing relationships with real human beings and that the Überhund can not be a replacement for having friends in my life.

She is right on all counts and I have changed my mind about getting another dog and will do what she says and that is take care of the Überhund really well and try to get some human beings into my life also. I suppose it is really good if you have a sister who tells you the truth sometimes.

So, that is the end of that short lived idea and in the meantime I am trying to get a hold of the woman who grooms the Überhund, as it is time for him to have a bath and a trim, as he is getting kind of stinky, according to my sister, which I don’t smell, of course, being with him all the time.

Well, it is now 5AM and just let the Überhund out in my bathrobe. That is, I let him run around out front while I stood by the outside door and smoked a cigarette while he did his business, he was in such urgent need.

I’ve got to visit some blogs. I am way behind on those.

Have a good day and don’t be having any sort of bright ideas suddenly without discussing them with your sibling first.

Ciao…

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A slow start.

The day started off with me getting up at 5AM and fixing myself a mug of coffee and turning on the computer, but all the while I was sitting there kind of bleary eyed as if I wasn’t quite in my right senses. I tried to remedy this by drinking the coffee and eating some toast, but it was all for naught and at 6AM I was forced to go back to bed and sleep some more, which I did very easily. All I had to do was put my head on the pillows and pull the duvet over me.

I woke up at 10 AM and finally felt awake enough to stumble out of bed to the Senseo machine to make myself some coffee and have a nice leisurely wake up with numerous mugs of coffee and equally numerous cigarettes, except that suddenly the Exfactor showed up to come and get some motor parts and I was still in my pajamas which he didn’t seem to notice at all. He was never observant that way. We had a cup of coffee and then he was on his way and I called my older sister and had a nice leisurely chat with her. That way the morning was a complete waste of time. I did check my bank account and found out that I am solvent again.

Then I carefully picked out what i was going to wear and took the Überhund for a walk and he surprised me with three baggies full. Luckily, I am always prepared.

I cleaned the house and then noticed that my back tire was kind of low and called the Exfactor to find out if I had a bike pump anywhere. it turned out I did and I proceeded to try and pump up my tire and I did it wrong and in the process let all the air our of my tire and couldn’t figure out how to work the pump to get the air back in, so i had to call the Exfactor again to ask him what to do. He was kind enough to come over and show me what I had done wrong and how to do it right the next time. Isn’t that awful? A Dutch woman who doesn’t know how to work the bike pump?

Anyway, I made rice in chicken bouillon for the Überhund who knew exactly what I was doing and was waiting very impatiently for me to get done with it. The cooling off period is the worst, because he knows that it is done, but he has to wait. Actually, I am now becoming quite adept at cooking rice, which was not one of my strong points before. You just mustn’t let yourself get intimidated by it.

I am trying to read so many blogs now that I have to take out a few hours every day to read them all. I do want to leave comments, as I appreciate it so much when people leave comments on mine. I would like to get paid for reading blogs, that would be a good part time job for me.

I need to go walk the Überhund as it is starting to get dark outside and I don’t want to wait too long, besides, he is giving me signals that it is time, so I better go now. See you in a while…

So, we had ourselves a nice little walk, although there are always various bushes and other interesting nooks and crannies that i have to pull him out of, where he looks for (in)edible stuff to munch on. He has very strange taste in food stuff. Pretty disgusting actually. He acts like he is a starving street dog who never gets anything to eat. His nose is always to the ground looking for, what to him is, food.

I have been drinking decaf for a while now and I am slowly winding down. After I am done writing this I will watch some TV and then head off to bed. As soon as I start yawning I know I am getting close to calling it a day. I am craving a huge cold vanilla shake, but do you think I can find one of those around here? The cola light is all gone, so I think I will drink a huge glass of cold milk.

You have yourself a great day and a dog with discriminating tastes.

Ciao…

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Digital.

The problem with a super nifty digital alarm clock like mine is, that it goes off at 6 AM even on the days when you don’t want it to, because I don’t know how to keep it from doing so. I am sure there is an easy way, but I haven’t figured it out yet and frankly, I didn’t think it would be necessary. So when it went off at 6AM this morning, I dutifully got up, took my medicines, gave the dog his and made a mug of coffee and realized that I wasn’t awake yet at all. Neither was the dog, really. So we both went back to sleep.

Now it is almost 10 AM and I am awake and let the dog do a piddle in the flowerbed out back and he has gone back to sleep. That means I’ve got until noon before I really have to get the show on the road.

I googled myself and the people and animals involved in a number of possible combinations yesterday and always ended up at the blogs that have now been deleted, so I think this move may have worked. I just have to remember not to call the cast of characters by their true names. I will refer to myself as “She who writes the blog.” The cats will just be the cats numbered from one to three or referred to by their color. The black and white one will be the Uberkat, now that I think of it.

Oh, I am so enjoying my coffee this morning. It must be that special imported brand again. You know, the contraband kind that is carried across the border on a donkey’s back by a guy called Jose. And the tobacco in my cigarettes tastes definitely Virginian. It has that distinct Virginian flavor. Life is good, ain’t it?

I have a feeling the Exfactor is going to come by today to bring me the papers that I need on Tuesday, so I mustn’t dawdle and get dressed on time before he shows up on my doorstep. I think he is not with his Paramount because he has to work this weekend.

So this is just a shorty post, but I got my 2 cents worth in anyway and you know I am doing splendidly on this fine Saturday. I think there is something I am forgetting to do, but I can’t remember what it is. Maybe it will come to me later today. I tell you, if I don’t write it down, I forget about it.

Have a super Saturday. The Dutch are playing Russia tonight. Should be very exciting and I will watch, as the Russians have a Dutch coach called Guus Hiddink and he has trained them well.

Ciao…

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What the heck?

What have I gone and done now? Well, I was very casually vacuuming the living room and thinking about my ex reading my web log and how it was really not good to put that daily temptation in front of him like a very sweet desert in front of a fat person who is dieting. I mean, who wouldn’t want to know what kind of thoughts are going on inside the head of his soon to be ex wife, wouldn’t you be awfully curious? So, I thought, enough of that, you do not tie the cat to the bacon, as they say here. I must remove the temptation for him to read, although I kindly suggested this morning that he stop reading the blog.

It is too much temptation and I wouldn’t be able to stop either. So, the next best thing was to move the blog to a to him undisclosed location and hope that he doesn’t figure out where I am now by being so god darn smart. If I were him, I wouldn’t make the effort and let it go. I hope he is smart enough to do that. I also don’t want his paramount to start reading the blog. Yes, I wrote paramount and not paramour on purpose. Paramount means: commanding, controlling, dominating, dominative, governing, preponderant, regnant, reigning, ruling and I really have no idea if the poor woman is anything like that at all, but I liked it better than calling her a paramour which means: A person’s regular sexual partner.

What name shall I cal my ex? He is sort of a dominant person himself and preponderant and commanding, so I should come up with a good name that has that meaning in it too. No, I’ll just call them the Exfactor and the Paramount. The He and the She. I don’t have that many unkind thoughts about them, but I wish to be a little bit of mean about them sometimes, to get some of the frustrations out occasionally that I will never show in public. In public I will be a most reasonable woman who will not show the back of her tongue and who will always be kind and polite and who could Hillary Clinton look like she needs charm lessons.

I have had a most pleasant day so far, except that I asked the Exfactor to do me a favor and in his discombobulated mind he got things all screwed up and it took several phone calls to get it somewhat straightened out. At least to the point that it will hopefully be satisfactory to the people of the Social Services whom I will see on Tuesday. I should have taken care of this myself, but instead depended on the Exfactor’s stamina on his bike and his reasonable intelligence. I must remember not to do this anymore and depend on myself to take care of delicate matters, as it seems that our minds work differently. It must be the Venus/Mars thing. I will just have to try harder on my bike and not be intimidated by long distances and wind that blows straight at you.

Anyway, I vacuumed the apartment and polished the furniture and picked out a slipcover that my daughter had offered to buy for me as a housewarming gift for the new chair. I suppose I should have a housewarming party, but I think I am just going to wait until my birthday in September and invite a bunch of people over then. Hopefully, I will get very good gifts. I will start dropping very heavy hints soon. You can’t start soon enough with those things.

I filled two glass containers with different teas and one with pasta that I don’t eat, but it looks good. I have one empty glass container left for I don’t know what, so if anybody has an idea. It is airtight.

I went grocery shopping and spent 22 Euros and that should last me for the week and then I’ll have to get a few things for the weekend. Aren’t I a cheap woman? I even got very nice treats for the dog. I have to call him the dog now so he won’t be recognized by name. The Dog. The Uberhund! I bought some new cat kibbles that are a good brand, but just a bit cheaper and the cats like them very much. I always put down two bowls for three cats and one bowl is empty and the other is nearly so. Those troopers! They know we’re on a budget.

But guess what I just saw happen. The Uberhund was eating cat food! Aha! He ate all of it. Well, you know what that means. The cat food needs to be moved to the counter. That stinker, he has never done that before. I actually find it very funny, because Toby was convincing himself the other day that he liked the dog food. Well, now my wooden shoe breaks.

The Uberhund must think he has died and gone to dog heaven with all those dishes of good food and the snacks. I am trying to keep him on a diet so he doesn’t gain anymore weight, this will defeat all my efforts.

When you live by yourself, you have no dishes to wash, at least I don’t. I don’t cook for my self and eat simple food that is easy to fix. I have at the most a glass and a mug and a knife and a small plate. I rinse everything off right away. I never use the stove and I heat milk in the microwave. Milk with honey before I go to sleep.

Okay, that’s the end of the introductory epistle to this new blog. I’ve got some things left to do to it. Hope you are all going to have a great day. Oh goodness, it is Friday. remember how that used to be my favorite time of the week? Well, I have other days that are now, depending on what happens on them. I do like Saturday a lot now.

Ciao…

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Lisa Sarsfield Images number 7

I had almost forgotten about the “Busy Bee Award” and I still must hand that out to some people, so let me have a look at my blog roll and see who I can make happy today. My God, I say that as if I am handing out the Oscars! Don’t get a big head, Irene! It’s only a blog award! This is the one I’m talking about:

Okay, I have checked my long list of blogs that I read and, difficult as it is, I have decided to give the award to the following people: Eileen, Aims, The Rotten Correspondent, Casdok, Andrea and Laurie. There, that is done then and I can get on with the rest of this post, because I always do feel that it is quite a responsibility to pass on these awards and I almost want to do it with a blindfold on, but that wouldn’t be quite right either.

Because right at this moment, I can’t think of anything really exciting to tell you, I am going to answer these 39 questions that I stole from Missing You Already. That way, I have something useful to do and you get to know a little bit more about me. Sounds like a fair deal, doesn’t it? Here we go:

1.What is your occupation? Amateur blogger, housewife, literature reader and dog walker.
2. What color are your socks right now?They are perfectly black.
3. What are you listening to right now? Radio station Clara in Flemish Belgium, playing classical and other esoteric music.
4. What was the last thing that you ate? Nonfat yogurt with bits of fruit in it.
5. Can you drive a stick shift? Yes, when there is absolutely no other option.
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? A very loud red.
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Eduard, he wanted to tell me that he got to work okay and that all his films got there on time.
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Well, nobody sent me this and I don’t really know the person I stole it from, although she seems to be quite a humorous person.
9. Favorite drink? Everybody knows the answer to this one, it is coffee.
10. What is your favorite sport to watch? Speedskating, especially since the guys wear those skin tight suits, well, the women do to, but I only care about the guys.
11. Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes, usually blond, but a few times red, but not anymore. Now it is its natural color, which is a dark ash blond.
12. Pets? Three run of the mill cats and one cocker spaniel, although one of the cats is part Siamese.
13. Favorite food? Chocolate chip cookies and short cake biscuits.
14. Last movie you watched? Atonement.
15. Favorite Day of the year? My birthday, September the 7th, hint, hint.
16. What do you do to vent anger? Swear really hard in two languages.
17. What was your favorite toy as a child? Lego’s
18. What is your favorite, fall or spring? The springtime beats any season.
19. Hugs or kisses? Hugs, very tight ones, kisses are kind of sloppy and wet and too intimate.
20. What kind of pie? Apple pie and pumpkin pie with whipped cream as made by my ex mother in law in the States.
21. Do you want your friends to email you back? Yes, of course!
22. Who is most likely to respond? My friend Laura in California.
23. Who is least likely to respond? I am not going to answer that, because nothing but trouble will come of it.
24. Living arrangements? A two bedroom apartment on the ground floor, with a small kitchen and one bathroom. The whole thing is just big enough for two adults, three cats and one dog.
25. When was the last time you cried? Tuesday morning, in front of my therapist.
26. What is on the floor of your closet? Christmas decorations, a box of clothes hangers, an old Minolta camera, a pair of shoes, a stack of clothes and an old jewelry box.
27. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? I don’t know who I am going to send this meme to, who I am going to tag with it.
28. The friend you have known the shortest amount of time that you are sending this to? Ditto above.
29. Favorite smell? I am a vegetarian, but I love the smell of bacon sizzling in the frying pan.
30. What inspires you? Hope and determination.
31. What are you afraid of? Insanity and dementation.
32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? Definitely cheese hamburgers, if I would eat those at all.
33. Favorite car? Jeep Cherokee 4×4.
34. Favorite cat breed? The Savannah and the Egyptian Mau.
35. Number of keys on your key ring? I have four keys, one to the outer door, one to the front door, one to the mail box and one to the back door.
36. How many years at your current job? Job? Ha, ha, let me get over that for a minute…
37. Favorite day of the week? Saturday, because it is almost Sunday, which is really a day of rest here, so Saturday is an anticipatory day.
38. How many provinces have you lived in? Three, Utrecht, Drenthe and Limburg.
39. How many countries have you been to? I think I have been to thirteen countries at least, and I may be forgetting one or two.

I don’t know why it is 39 questions and not 40, but I suppose I won’t worry my silly head about that.

Oh yes, yesterday I was trying to insert this picture of Toby and Blogger wouldn’t let me do it, so I am going to try it again now.

See how he has just the tiniest hint of a mustache under his nose? Someone told me that makes him a Kitler, that is a Cat that looks like Hitler. I am serious, there is a website with pictures of cats that look like Hitler. As a citizen of a country that was overrun by the Nazis, I should be offended, but I am not. I can appreciate the morbid humor of it.

Yesterday was another sort of cold day, although I hate to complain about our cold days when I read about what the people in the Midwest of the United States and the people in Canada have to go through. Our weather is peanuts compared to theirs. They would think it balmy here.

The dog and I went for two longish walks, but we didn’t go to the pond, because my sister had to work and on those days Jesker and I take a different walk. We keep walking past that horse in the paddock, but Jesker is not afraid of him anymore now and only staggers a little bit when we get near him. You would think the horse would stagger, but no, Jesker does.

We always walk past a busy street, but Jesker is really good about staying on the narrow sidewalk, but he does poop in the most inconvenient places, like right on top of someone’s ornamental plant and then I stand at the ready with the poop baggy and hope that someone doesn’t come running out of their house all agitated. Just like Laurie should with her three dogs, I should write a book about my life with Jesker.

Doris Lessing wrote a book about her life with her cats called “Particularly Cats.” It’s a pretty little book and she speaks lovingly about them. She is such a great writer anyway and I am so glad that she finally got the Nobel Prize, although she scuffed about it a bit. I loved her book “The Fifth Child.”

I have tried to write fiction once, but found it almost impossible to do and I realize that I don’t actually have that much of an imagination. I do okay describing real events, but when I have to make something up, I sort of start to stagger and trip. I do appreciate good fiction very much and I like reading it and I have a lot of admiration for people who research their subjects well and who can make the story run true and make their facts count. I am too lazy to do that. If I can’t find it on the Internet, I don’t bother.

I think it takes a real special talent to write good fiction and I know that I don’t have it. The best thing you can do, is own up to what you don’t have and concentrate on what you do have instead. What I have is a lot of fun and satisfaction writing this blog and reading other people’s blogs.

Well, my dearest people, I think that will do for today. You all know where I am going next, off to my warm bed with a nice glass of warm milk to sleep another two hours. You all have a really good day and have a good time slaying all those dragons. Ciao…

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Egret Soup

“You can do no great things, only small things with great love.” This is a quote from Mother Theresa and I got it from Marja, the Dutch woman living in New Zealand.

The reason this appeals to me is, that I know that I am not a woman of Great Deeds with capital letters. I will never do anything news worthy or especially brave or commendable and I will never achieve fame or fortune or even earn my own living. None of those things are within easy reach of me.

I am woman of small deeds, with small letters. I have little achievements and reach little milestones and I don’t contribute in any noteworthy way to the general state of good of society. I am just a small insignificant woman of no specific reputation doing no specific activities to change the world. All the things I do are small, but are done with great love.

In my own way, I try to be a positive presence on this earth and a positive presence in the lives of the people I come in contact with. Sometimes that works out well, sometimes it doesn’t. I am not like mother Theresa, but I possibly do have some of her patience and I endure well.

Given the circumstances, I might have been a greater benefactor to my fellow human beings, but as it is, I need to put a lot of energy into being my own benefactor. When I was younger, I had visions of myself becoming a Peace Corps worker and helping people in third world countries, although I had very vague ideas on how I would do this and I probably had some very naive thoughts about it.

My life turned out quite differently and for a very long time I was moving along under a whole different set of circumstances than I had ever imagined myself to be in when I was younger. Now I am back to the base and I can reposition myself in life and reassess my thoughts and attitudes and abilities, but I can truly come to the conclusion that I am a woman of small words and small deeds.

I am comfortable with that and do not strive for anything bigger or better. If bigger or better opportunities do present themselves down the line, I will assess them for potentiality and see if I am truly capable of undertaking them. Until that time, I am comfortable living my life as it is now, one day at a time, nice and easy with as little stress as is possible.

Those profound thoughts came to me because of that quote and so there is always something you read that inspires you to stop and think a little bit more deeply about yourself and about what you do in this life.

—————

Now on to something completely different. I came upon an award while making my rounds of the blogs that I read. It was given away freely by Casdok to all of her readers. I took it and, of course, I am going to make it a little bit special again and hand it out to some people whom I think are special. First of all, here is the award:

The symbol stands for a heart, so it says, “I heart your blog.” I am going to give it to five people and than those people can give it to as many people as they want.

So, I give this award to: Omega Mum, Babaloo, Kris Cahill, Laurie and Andrea. I could give it to more people, but this is just to get the ball rolling. You guys can keep it rolling.

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My sister and I walked around the pond again yesterday afternoon and it was cold. The wind was blowing hard and I forgot to wear my scarf and I got quite cold around my upper regions. Luckily, we were sheltered by the trees when we got to the pond. My sister has been pouring her heart out about some personal matters and I have been very much trying to be a wise older sister to her and come up with all the right things to say and be very supportive of her. I don’t find this difficult, but I do realize that I can’t do this indefinitely, as I do have a limited amount of energy and after two days I do feel a bit emotionally drained.

She really does need someone to stick by her side right now, but luckily she also has a therapist whom she goes to once a week and this person sounds like a very sensible woman, so that ought to help her a lot. I realize that I can’t help her save her life, that she has to save her own life, but I do feel that I have to support her and be there for her.

Anyway, the weather was cold at noon time, but then when I went for a long walk with the dog at dinner time, the sun had come out and the wind had stopped blowing and it was lovely out, so you can’t depend on the weather at all, just that it is undependable. I do like going for longer walks with the dog, even if it is just for half an hour instead of an hour. We walk at a steady pace and get our exercise and Jesker knows exactly at which street corner to turn.

Our cat Toby has a cold, but it is slowly getting better. He had a runny nose and runny eyes, but he is not sneezing anymore. He is his normal chipper self other than that, although he does drink more water. We’ll keep an eye on him and make sure he is really getting better.

We’ve had to put Jesker on rice and white bread for having runny stools, but we think that is getting better also. He isn’t sick in any way, he just had the runs. We cook the rice in bouillon and he likes it very much and we buy white buns for him at the bakery. Those help a lot.

Eduard also has a cold and has been coughing all night. I don’t think we have any cough medicine in the house, so he’ll have to get some of that today. There is nothing more irritating than being awakened by your own cough all night long.

Gandhi and Nouri and I are all fine, we have no colds or anything else.

Well, I think that is about it for today. It is a little bit cold here and, of course, I haven’t turned on the heater, as I am just now realizing that my hands are freezing and s
o are my legs, so it is time to go back to bed for a little while with a nice glass of warm milk. I am actually hoping to find some cookies to go with that, but I think they are all gone.

You all have a wonderful day and be good and brave and do as many Great Deeds as you can. Ciao…

P.S. Blogger will not let me post the original image that was by John Mora and Sue O’Kieffe, but you can find it here on Sue’s weblog.

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The Artful Eye Images number 12

Well, as you can see, I have changed the header on my blog. I spent some time looking for the right picture. This is one of a landscape behind the dunes of the North Sea, so we’ve moved away from the sea, inland a bit. I’ll probably keep changing the header once in a while for variety and to show you the other landscapes of this country. The problem is finding a good one of the right size and then poaching it without getting into obvious trouble. I liked the picture of the North Sea, but I was ready for something different.

It is still quite early in the morning and it is very quiet here. It seems that it has stopped storming, because it is quiet outside as well. It was quite a storm and a whole circus tent was blown to pieces, poles and all. It caused damage all over western Europe and some people were killed. Now it is just raining a little bit, but there is no wind. Eduard will walk Jesker this morning and Eduard has the proper clothing to go out in the rain with.

Yesterday Jesker and I went for a longish walk, while Eduard vacuumed, but the wind was blowing Jesker’s ears sideways and it was a little cold, so we didn’t go for our really long walk. Jesker doesn’t mind one way or the other, he could walk for two hours if I let him. He is in amazingly good shape for a dog that is going to be eleven years old in May. He just loves going for walks and just keeps chugging along. He is like a battery powered toy and just keeps on going at the same speed. It is good exercise for me and after one hour I am out of breath a bit.

The cats don’t bother to go out at all. They use the litter box or go in the flower bed where it is protected from the rain by the overhanging roof. Toby usually doesn’t mind getting wet that much, but I think he likes being inside when it is cold out. At least that prevents arguments with the other neighborhood male cats that have not been castrated. They do make an awful lot of noise when they argue and the other cats sound like a bunch of mean tigers ready to tear Toby to pieces, although he does stick up for himself really well. He’s a brave cat.

The girl cats always get very nervous when there is an argument and come inside quickly and look at me as if I am supposed to do something about it. I usually send Jesker outside to bark at the intruders and then the other male cats take off. Jesker very much does not like other cats on his bit of property. When he’s done chasing them away, he very demonstratively pees on a bush to show them who is boss.

Today it is “lovely, don’t do anything strenuous Sunday.” In the Netherlands all the stores are closed on Sundays, except for the first Sunday of the month and even then, store owners really don’t want to, because they don’t see their monthly profits increase. Today, all the stores are open, but I have no desire to go downtown to shop. What is wrong with me? There must be a chromosome temporarily shut off. A woman who doesn’t want to go shopping? Mmm, very strange!

I haven’t felt the desire to shop in awhile, nor have I felt the desire to go downtown. Actually, I have been sticking fairly close to home and even the out clinic for the therapy classes is only a five minute bike ride away from here. I have not felt like moving amongst the busyness of a mass of shopping bodies or tourists. Nor have I felt like going to the candle lit chapel to have a word with the Higher Being. That would require a longer bike ride and I am not up to it. My SPN is a ten minute bike ride away from here and that is as far as I have gone. That’s a good destination to go to and I don’t mind that.

I am being a bit of a home body and I find it very cozy. I like being inside my familiar surroundings and I am quite happy to be inside with the occasional foray outside with the dog. I am never lonely by myself and enjoy my own company well enough. I don’t really need that much socialization and I think that possibly I even avoid it a bit, except when I am hypo manic. Then I go downtown and shop and go to the chapel and visit Eduard at his work and talk to all the people there. I get it all in in one rush.

Here is a test:

You Are a Colon

You are very orderly and fact driven. You aren’t concerned much with theories or dreams… only what’s true or untrue. You are brilliant and incredibly learned. Anything you know is well researched. You like to make lists and sort through things step by step. You aren’t subject to whim or emotions. Your friends see you as a constant source of knowledge and advice. (But they are a little sick of you being right all of the time!) You excel in: Leadership positions You get along best with: The Semi-Colon

What Punctuation Mark Are You?

Well, that’s all I’ve got to tell you for today. It isn’t that much, but you’ve got to keep in mind that it is Sunday and that I mustn’t exert myself. Nor should you. I am going to take my medications and make myself a lovely tall glass of warm milk and go back to bed for awhile.

Have yourself a lovely day with all the pleasures that come with it. Those of you who have been making art, and you know who you are, have been doing a terrific job lately and I stand in awe.

Ciao…

P.S. Image courtesy of Andrea.

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Bowl with Junk and Graffiti.

Bowl with Junk:

Graffiti:

I am not sitting here in my regal red bathrobe, but in my clothes, as that is what I was wearing when I fell asleep on the sofa last night. I hadn’t planned to fall asleep there, it sort of overtook me by surprise and before I knew it, I was gone from this world completely.

I had very intricate dreams about a very evil child who was not me, nor was she my daughter and I don’t know who she was instead, but she was a sheer devil. She could put on her wily charms at the drop of a hat and she was a very calculating little b*tch. It is almost scary that I am capable of dreaming these kinds of things and I wonder what Jung would make of it.

It is a good thing to wake up to reality when you dream like that and realize that you real world doesn’t look like your dream world. I check all the different parts of it for evilness and find out that, no, there is none such in my life. I did have a very scheming and conniving grandmother, but she died and I don’t think it was her in the dream.

I have had two cups of regular coffee and now I am drinking decaf to see what will happen. Maybe I will get sleepier sometime during the wee hours and feel the need to go back to sleep again. It’s an experiment. Of course, it is possible that when I do start to feel sleepy, I’ll switch to regular coffee again, because I am having too much fun staying up. Decisions, decisions…

One thing is for sure, I tried not to turn on the computer right away, but that was as impossible as not breathing, so that experiment failed. I wanted to sit and just enjoy my cup of coffee and my cigarette, but then I thought, “Who am I fooling, turn that darn thing on already!” So I did and I felt much better. Some habits are best not broken, they just feel good.

Yesterday morning the dog and I went for a longer walk. I forgot my gloves and came home with quite cold hands. I could have frozen ice cubes with them. The dog enjoyed his morning constitution and we ran into one other dog who took one look at Jesker and decided to go the other way. It is funny to me that Jesker can be intimidating, because he is such a kindly looking dog, but I guess not always when you are another dog.

I always look at Jesker from the rear when we go for a walk and I think he is quite comical looking, as his rear legs are kind of bow shaped, as most dog’s are, and it makes him look kind of like a little tough cowboy. He ought to wear a Stetson and have a cigarette dangling from his lips. I am sure he thinks he is really tough looking the way he swaggers down the street, but he doesn’t fool me one bit, although I am sure he is a hit with the ladies.

I am always surprised that he isn’t bothered by the cold, while I am wrapped up in layers of clothing. He never shivers. He must have the ability to stay warm even in the cold and he must have an internal mechanism to keep the heat up. I wish I did, as my extremities are always very cold and you can ask Eduard about that. He has felt my cold hands and feet.

I didn’t feel like going to the grocery store and we didn’t really need that much, so I went to the little Mom and Pop shop around the corner where are the items are packed to the ceiling and where you really can buy just about anything. It is fun shopping there if you know where to look. I couldn’t find the cornflakes until they were pointed out to me some seven feet up on a shelf. They do have a good enough selection of cookies there and those were what I was after. Butter spritz with chocolate and little rolled up cakes with whipped cream and jam. Oh, so fattening!

My daughter and her boyfriend came to dinner last night and that is what the cookies were for. I figured we’d have them afterwards with coffee. but we never did get to the coffee part, because the wine tasted too good.

I made a wild mushroom soup, courtesy of Unox with extra mushrooms added in and a container of creme fraiche. I had also made my famous leek pie and I must say that it turned out very well last night. Sometimes, it is especially good and last night was one of those times.

My daughter keeps regaling her boyfriend with amusing and comical stories about her childhood and tells him about people and events that I have half forgotten, but that jar my memory when she tells them. I am so amazed at what she remembers. Apparently I told her, when she was little, that it was good to have lots of pets, because when war broke out we would always have something to eat. I know this is true, it is something I would have said, remembering the hunger winter of WWII, but hearing her say it, it seems so shocking.

She has lots of stories about her and her brother and the kinds of adventures they got into together and some of these things I know nothing about. I am just hearing about them for the first time. And then she says, “But Mom, we were good kids,” and she is right, they were good kids for the most part and I could trust them not to do anything too stupid.

I am glad that she is remembering her childhood with lots of humor. It seems to be a great source of amusement to her and I am happy for that. I think the fact that she had a brother who was so close to her in age and who was her buddy really helped her. They always had each other in the good times and the bad times. At least they could ridicule their parents together when we were being completely disagreeable.

My daughter talks about her brother a lot. He is most definitely a big part of her life still. I think she misses him a lot. But all her stories of him are happy ones and she talks of him with joy in her voice. She is very happy when she finds a photograph with him in it that she hadn’t seen yet. Especially one in which he looks very handsome. He was such a good looking young man.

I am very happy that my daughter is keeping her brother’s memory alive so well. I don’t get a chance to talk about him that much and when I do, it is always with a certain amount of sadness. It is good to talk about him with a certain amount of joy. To remember the happy times. To remember who he was apart from the person who had cancer and suffered so. I’ll make it a point to ask her to tell me more good stories about him and about them.

Some cats are sleeping on the kitchen counter as if that is the most comfortable place to sleep. I don’t know what they are waiting for. Their dishes are filled with kibbles and there is milk in their other dish. Maybe they’re hoping to get lucky and
get some spare luncheon meat. I have been known to give that to hungry looking cats. I think these cats may have me figured all out.

The dog is eyeballing me from his pillow as if I am wearing something that belongs to him. Sometimes I think that these animals have ulterior motives in so innocently hanging around here. I think they want things. They’re constantly keeping me under surveillance to see if I’ll do something that will be to their advantage. It’s a cat and mouse game.

My life wouldn’t be half as amusing without the animals. They are a constant source of humor to me. Actually, there is a lot to be said for the study of animal behavior, although I am studying them in a domestic setting, which influences the outcomes of the results I get, because we do influence the animals quite a bit.

Eduard says, that the animals have nothing better to do than to study us all day long, so they know us better than we know them and they know exactly how to get us to do the things they want us to do. They are only limited by the language they can use to express their desires.

Toby makes urgent noises by the kitchen door when the kibbles are all gone. Gandhi becomes very affectionate when the milk is all gone. Nouri is kind of dopey and leaves it all up to chance. She just takes advantage of what the other cats do for her. I think when push comes to shove, she’ll let me know that she needs something, but so far it hasn’t been necessary. There is always Toby ahead of her demanding new kibbles in the dish and when he meows, she meows too. She is codependent.

I have taken some pictures with Eduard’s camera, but the deal is, that it is Eduard’s camera and that it is hands off for me and that I can have my own camera if I want to. I haven’t decided if I want to yet, so for now I am dependent on him for interesting shots to make my images with. I suppose I could sit down with the instruction booklet and really get to know Eduard’s camera, but that would imply that I would be planning on using it and I don’t want to seem presumptuous. He really and truly wants his own camera and really and truly thinks I should have my own if I want to seriously take photographs. I don’t know how serious I am yet and if I want to spend the money. I’ll have to think about it for a good long while.

He does take photographs keeping my hobby in mind and there are always lots of shots I can work with. You know how I make a series of four images? I know the first and the third image of the series are the best, yet somehow I am compelled to post all four, just because I make all four. I have thought about only posting images one and three and then doing double images. I don’t know, I have to think about it. Maybe I’ll come up with a solution today.

Tell you what, lets take a vote, should I only post images one and three or should I post all four images of the series? You tell me and please, be brutally honest. I know you can do it. I’ve seen you do it on other blogs. I like to show the whole sequence, because that’s what I make and they are connected, but I can see the charms of only posting one and three, because they are maybe the best.

You tell me!

I have been so busy doing other things, that I have forgotten to polish my nails and now I look like a floozy. I can’t have that and either have to wear nail polish properly or not at all, none of this half off stuff. I have always disliked that about other women’s nail polish when it wasn’t on right anymore and I used to think, “Oh, I would never walk around looking like that!” Well, now I am and in just a few minutes, I am going to wipe it all off.

I realize that I am no fun in the evening. Some time after dinner, I start to yawn and my level of energy declines rapidly. My ability to keep up an acceptable level of conversation fails and I start to give one syllable answers. My daughter suggested a game of Scrabble and I could only decline with some amount of horror, even after she offered me the chance to play in two languages. I am intellectually not up to that after dinner and I could probably only make one syllable words like “What” and “Who” and “Why”. Or words like “Poop” and “Pee”.

I am not a great one for playing games anyway, as it requires a level of concentration that I just don’t have. I get distracted and bored to quickly and I don’t have a killer instinct. I like to play poker if it is a fast game, but Scrabble and Rummy Cup take too long. I also like a fast game of dice, as long as it moves quickly. I’ll have to remember that the next time I am almost falling asleep. If people would just get up early in the morning like I do, we would all have a great social life, but they all sleep late and don’t get going for hours later than I do. I get bored in the morning waiting for the world to wake up.

I’ll be happy when the holidays are over, because I have been eating things other than what I usually eat. I have had a lot of sweets and I haven’t weighed myself for some time and vow I will not until I start eating more normal again. I have an appointment with the Obesitas Nurse Specialist on the 14th of January, after I have my first appointment with the dietitian. Lots of good and sensible advice will be given me, but mostly it will be the moral back up that I need to get rid of the last kilos. And I hope that the gastric band will be filled one more time, because I think there is some room left for improvement. I definitely should be eating smaller portions.

Well, I suppose this epistle has grown long enough for one sitting. It has been most amusing sitting here writing it and I could go on for hours. I won’t, though. A woman does have to know her limits and the limits of her audience.

I wish you all a very good day, with lots of productive and creative hours. Ciao…

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Bewerkte Gele Bloem 3 Images number 6.

I slept from 5 pm until 10 pm, woke up and ate something and took my medicines and then went back to sleep and woke up at 3 am this morning. I would say that is plenty of sleep, wouldn’t you? Maybe not at the right time, but still…

I woke up on the sofa and Eduard had put my duvet over me, because it was going to be very cold out last night and he was worried about me freezing to death. Of course, it never gets that cold in the apartment, so I would have been fine, but it is the thought that counts, and it was a kind thought. He had also left one light burning and the lights on the decorated branches, so it was quite cozy when I woke up.

I got an email from my daughter saying they had landed in Paris safely and had already been to the Picasso Museum. They had flown first class from Toronto to Paris and that had been a rather nice experience. They are going to be here on Saturday and I can’t wait to see her. That is only two days from now, since it is already Thursday here. They were rather shocked at the rate of the dollar opposed to the euro and said that their dollars did not go very far. This is true, the euro is pretty mighty right now. There are Europeans who go shopping for a new wardrobe in New York and still save money after they pay for the plane fare.

I had a haircut yesterday and it is within an inch of being too short. As it is, it is just right. It is very easy to take care of hair and I hardly have to mess with it. It is very short on the sides and in the back and longer on top. I asked them to cut it this way as I wanted easy out of the way hair. I was messing too much with hairspray and having to brush it in place just so.

I love going to the hairdresser and having my hair washed and cut and blow dried. I like being pampered for that short amount of time and find it very relaxing. It is worth the fifteen euros I pay for it, which isn’t bad at all. I also like to sit there beforehand and watch other people having their hair done. The ugliest people turn into princesses after they get the proper haircut or have their hair messed with in some other way.

I also received a much waited for package from the H&M Store with some clothes I ordered on line. A pair of trousers in a size 44 that just fit me and a gray tunic, that is really one size too small, but that I will shrink into by this summer. I got them on sale, so no money was wasted on them. I ordered these things ten days ago and they sure took their merry time getting here and although H&M is inexpensive to shop with on line, it makes me wonder if I’ll do it very often. The advantage is, that you can trace your package on line and see exactly were it is, so yesterday I knew I was getting it that day.

Yesterday afternoon at four o’clock, Jesker urgently let me know that he wanted something, so then I had to guess what it was. After a couple of guesses with no response I asked him, “Do you have to piddle?” He became very excited and started barking and running around in circles, so that meant “Yes.” Eduard took him out, thinking he very urgently had to go, but when they came back, he said that Jesker had only very nonchalantly peed on some trees and bushes here and there. So, apparently he just felt like going out for a bit and there was no urgent business. Well, that is okay too, he can have his bit of fresh air and we don’t have a yard to send him into. The dog just wants to go out and play sometimes and we can’t ignore his wish. He’s a smart dog to let us know what he wants. To him having a piddle means going for a walk, so it is all the same to him.

I forget to take my Oxazepam during the day when I start to feel stressed. I am allowed to take it three times a day, but then I don’t think about it. Yesterday I very consciously stopped and took one when I started to feel stressed, because I saw the postal truck drive by our house without stopping. I was livid and ready to call the highest boss of the Dutch postal offices. Then I slowed down and took an Oxazepam and some time later the package was delivered. I think all this stress has to do with control and not having any. I always feel that I have to have control over everything that happens around me, over the people and the events, and when I think I don’t, I become very stressed. Out of proportion to what is really happening.

I think that by being in control, I can prevent some catastrophe from happening and I think that I qualify lots of things as catastrophes, that other people would qualify as mere annoyances. Having been raised in a neurotic household, it is no wonder that I do, because lots of things were considered catastrophic when I was little. I was a very stressed out child. I think stress is my middle name. There you thought I didn’t have one. I do after all.

Being aware of it is half the battle. Now when I feel irritation, I think, “Stress!” and I look right away where it is coming from. I can usually find the cause quite easily and the thing to do then is to take an Oxazepam and to analyze my feelings. They all are usually control issues.

Self analysis is a great thing and can spare you a lot of bother. I think it is invented for people like me who are smart enough to know better, but who keep falling into the same trap. Who repeatedly need to learn their lesson over and over again until it sticks and becomes second nature to them. I think I can be quite neurotic, I am almost like a character out of a Woody Allen movie. I need to be in analysis always. I can’t make a move without somehow having it being picked apart and looked at, until I have learned my lesson from it and have moved on to the next set of problems. Maybe I am exaggerating a little bit, but I am making a point here.

Well, I’ll think I’ll go and read some other blogs now. There is always something there to surprise me. Some words of joy and humor and some artwork of note.

I really like the chance to be so introspective in the early morning. I hope I don’t bore you with it too much. It is better than a session on the Freudian sofa. Ciao…

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