And Secondly!

I have found the desk chair to be the most comfortable place to sit. I have tried the sofa and the bed, but this chair is definitely the best, because it offers the most support. So I can write the second post for today without too much pain. I find that the pain medication helps, in that I do have less pain and I move around a little better, but oops, sometimes a little bit too much. You do have a tendency to forget not to make certain kinds of moves. Much moaning and groaning goes on and Jesker looks at me quite puzzled. You can’t help but moan and groan, it escapes from your mouth quite unintentionally and makes you feel better.

I just uploaded another 7 CD’s to the Real Player to add to the other CD’s that I had already uploaded to add to my 4th modern music MP3 1 gigabite player. Now I cant get the Real Player to recognize the MP3 player, so there is some hitch. Still, I can listen to the music and that is quite nice as it is all new to me. How wonderful! I am that kid in the candy store again. Yippee!

Eduard did all the housework this morning and the groceries and walked Jesker twice and at noontime he said to me that he was going to ride his bicycle for a while. I asked him quite surprised why he was going to ride his bicycle, because the weather was quite nice and he said that he thought that I had quite a bit of animosity towards him going out on the motorcycle now. I answered him no, not at all, that he should definitely go out on his motorcycle and have a good time with L. and by all means enjoy himself and that whatever issues I had with that were all behind me now. In the shortest amount of time had his gear on and was gone. And frankly my dears, I don’t give a damn. I feel completely divorced from the whole thing. I don’t care where they go or what they do there. It’s all of no importance to me, because I am having a pleasant afternoon and I don’t give a hoot.

I do so love being home by myself with the animals and my music. If I don’t have it turned up loud on the speakers, I have it turned up on the headphones and it is nice to have a soundtrack to your life. I very often fall asleep with the music going and sleep with the headphones on and wake up with them still on. I think I am going to try and find more interesting music through Deezer and see if I can find it in the library. I will do that this afternoon, that will be a fun job to do as I sit here in this comfortable chair. That is beside the rock groups that I have already found. I had to reserve the Duffy album, I guess it is very popular right now.

I have four albums by Massive Attack and three albums by Björk. I really like her a lot. Amy Winehouse is great, but I am sick and tired of the song “Rehab.” I also like Damien Rice, because he is a pretty mellow fellow. And I like Katie Melua for her fragile voice and Lilly Allen for the same reason, except that she is more naughty. I suppose if I had to pick an all over favorite, it would be Björk. She is weird enough for me. I like a certain amount of weirdness. She is the kind of artist I would like to be in my next life.

Eduard accidentally bought a pack of Mocha pads for the Senseo maker and they taste very good, so I have asked him to buy those always. What a difference a flavor makes. It makes you realize that you should try something new every once in a while and not be so hung up on one thing.

Jesker is being impatient and pacing around me, but I’ve asked him all sorts of questions and I think he doesn’t know what he wants. he is probably just bored and then he wants a snack to eat, so I give him one. Bad me! The problem with his food is, that he is a very picky eater and he will only eat one kind of food and then only the small kibbles of it. He refuses to eat any other kind of food and will go hungry instead of eating it. We had a heck of a time trying to find a food that he liked and we weigh the portions that he gets. I am thinking of putting him on a rigorous diet of vitamins and green beans, because he loves green beans, but I have to talk to the vet about it. He also likes cooked carrots. I think that may be what needs to happen.

Gandhi just lied down beside him to get some affection from him and he is rubbing her with his nose. They have a special relationship, those two. When Eduard moves out, I would like for him to take Toby and Nouri, but leave Gandhi here for Jesker. That would also mean no litterbox for me, because Gandhi always goes outside. That would save me a lot of hassle. I have to be practical about hauling bags of litterbox stuff around. My sister is going to take me to do the shopping once a week by car, so that means I can really stock up on the bulky items.

I am mostly thinking about the purely practical issues of the divorce now. A lot needs to be organized properly, but it is all overseeable and manageable. There is not one thing that doesn’t have some sort of a good solution. Emotionally I have already removed myself a long distance away. I am really on the outside looking in and it feels good to be detached. Eduard has lost a great deal of power over me and I like that. He can’t pull me into a lot of these issues anymore. I am just like, yeah, whatever.

Well, that was my little chat for now. maybe there will be more later. I have visited some blogs today, but there are more to go. I can’t promise that I’ll get around to all of them. I’ll do my best, though.

Ciao…

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No matter what.

I have slept from 7 PM yesterday evening until 2 AM this night and since I am in pain no matter what I do, I may as well sit in his relatively comfortable desk chair and write a post, because I don’t know what else to do at this time of the night. I am sitting perfectly upright with my back completely supported and both feet planted firmly on the ground and I’m wondering how long I will last this way. Actually, I think my feet should be up a bit higher, but I haven’t figured out a solution to that yet. If Jesker would lie down there…

Speaking of Jesker, he was bathed and trimmed yesterday and now we can really see how chunky he is. It must be his advancing years that make him hold on to the weight and his relative smaller amount of movement now that he has the osteoarthritis. He gets 3 twenty-five minute walks a day, sometimes a little longer and then a short walk late in the evening. Lately his back legs have been trembling after his walks like they have done earlier when he was in pain. Still, he needs the exercise, so I am not going to cut back on his walks and I do try to make them longer instead of shorter, unless I think he is in really bad shape. He has always been 4 kilos overweight since we’ve had him and he is heavier now. Still, he managed to jump into the back of the station wagon on his own yesterday. He is a surprising dog.

Eduard is being really good about helping me out, but then he has always been the gallant knight in armor when it comes to rescuing damsels in distress, it’s just that I would rather not be a damsel in distress right now. I find the timing of this especially bad. I did find out, in the meantime, that a divorce mediator in our case is subsidized, because of our income, and is not expensive at all. So, that’s a big relief. I have contacted the free legal organization for a recommendation. I figure, if I don’t get the ball moving, nobody will. So, I’m moving the ball and Eduard’s reaction to it is mostly silence.

Oh Lord, I just had to get up to take my pain medication. It was sitting on the coffee table. It was quite an expedition. I sat down on the sofa and it was as bad as giving birth. Then I had to get up again. Siting in this desk chair is very easy in comparison. Every time I think it is a bit better, it is not. It fools me.

Eduard is going to find out if he can get off work with something called “care leave.” It may be possible if by Monday I am not moving around yet. Also, on Monday my gastric band is supposed to be filled some more and I can’t take the bus, so Eduard will have to take me by car. Oh Bother! I would actually like to be strapped to this desk chair and be moved around that way. It has wheels, so I can just be pushed around. Well, there are wheelchairs at the hospital, so I will use one of them.

I had coffee with my sister yesterday morning and told her about my plan. I didn’t need to explain much to her, as I have been keeping her up to date regularly. She’s mostly very supportive and wishes she had the courage to do the same, but she has two children and finds it harder to make that decision. I think when it comes to men and marriage, we are both two disillusioned people and neither one of us would have a go at it again.

Eduard was just out here criticising the way I am sitting here behind the computer. He doesn’t understand that I find the most comfortable way to sit and that that works for me. It may not look right to him, but it works for me. He is very much a busybody.

Okay, it has taken me forever to write this much, what with having to try and sit comfortably, so I will end this now. There may be more missives from me later today, because I will probably be very bored today.

Have a good Saturday you all. Ciao…

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Lumbago.

I am writing this in considerable amount of pain, because I have lumbago. I got it this afternoon by pulling wet laundry out of the washing machine. Suddenly I felt a huge pain and could not do anything any more; breathing hurts. Eduard took me to the doctor’s office by car, because there was no other way for me to get there. The doctor prescribed a mega dose of painkillers to get me through the next few days and then we will see if it is any better.

The worst thing is that now I literally can’t do anything, everything causes pain and I haven’t even tried to lie down yet, because I am afraid I won’t be able to get up again and I am completely dependent on the goodwill of Eduard. I don’t like it! Talk about the timing being absolutely off.

Well, I have to move to the sofa now. You should see the way I shuffle around the apartment. I am like a little old lady.

Ciao…

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Discussions.

Thursday afternoon. Eduard has asked me not to discuss anything personal about him on my blog and he is right, of course. In my eagerness to tell my story, I do forget boundaries and I cross them and talk about other people’s personal issues and I should not. So, I am going to make it a point not to do that anymore. It may be difficult at first and I will have to carefully weigh my words, but I must make the effort.

For those of you who are concerned about my emotional well being, I must assure you that I am well. In fact, I am doing better than I have in a long while without going overboard. I am very sure of myself and I have made up my mind about a number of things and I feel comfortable with my decisions. Many issues have become very clear to me and I feel much less dysfunctional. I feel anticipation and excitement at the possibilities that lie ahead and I don’t feel an overwhelming amount of sadness. I know what makes me feel irritated and angry and I try to avoid those situations. I detach myself a lot and try not to get overly involved anymore. I do not feel desperately unhappy or unreasonably scared or frightfully lonely.

I feel just fine and I will keep feeling fine. I am looking into what sort of legal arrangements need to be made at the least amount of expense and stress. Luckily there is a free legal organization that helps you with all your questions. They have a visiting address and a website. I think we will be in good hands there. If Eduard and I can arrange this amiably, it should not be that difficult to take care off.

I am more than ready and I can already envision my freedom and I like the taste of it. During the day, when I am home alone, I pretend that I am and I like it. I am making arrangements to start up the daytime therapy that I was supposed to start in March. I have an appointment about that in June, on the ninth. I think I will start with one therapy and slowly work my way up to three. I will not chicken out this time. I think I will introduce myself to the group as Nora, as she is the emancipated woman who is going to do this all. It will be my coming out of the closet time.

Well, that’s all I wanted to say right now. I will talk at you all later. Ciao…

Thursday evening. Well, I’ve been comatose on the sofa for a while. For quite a while actually. Eduard walked Jesker and I didn’t even hear him leave go to his work. Now I’ve got the apaprtment all to myself again and I am playing all the new music that I uploaded to the Real Player from the CD’s that Eduard brought home from the library today. That’s to start filling my fourth MP3 player with modern music. I have turned it up a little hard and have the bass turned up too, so it really beats through the apartment. Oh, how I do like that. I am rocking in the desk chair. Now I need to make myself a mug of decaf and I’m all set.

The daytime therapy I want to start with is ergo-therapy, which sounds like erger-therapy, Erger is the Dutch word for to bother, so we actually call it to bother-therapy, because that is what it feels like. They try to pluck your mind through artistic methods, but I don’t mind. It is actually kind of a challenge. Once you know what the purpose is, you can work along with the process and achieve some results. If that works out and I feel comfortable doing that, I would like to try the creative therapy. I actually hope to meet some people there who are similar minded to me and who I can get along with and maybe make new friends. I need to broaden my social circle, especially if I am going to be a woman on my own.

I very much don’t want to include any men in my social circle unless it is clearly understood that they are included for platonic reasons only. I am, right now, so tired of the dynamics between men and women and the whole sexual attraction thing and the whole kit and caboodle that comes with it. I think I am permanently turned off and I would rather, more than anything, become an independent woman of my own with many other women friends. And dogs and cats, I must always have them for company. Jesker is getting old, but I will immediately replace him if something were to happen to him.

I don’t want my heart to be broken again, I know that for sure, and for a while it looked as if Eduard was breaking my heart deeply until I put a stop to it. I have made myself less vulnerable now, I have taken my love out of the equation and called it to a halt. I thought that there was no way I was going to let something like this happen to me again. Go crazy with heartache, no not me. I have let that happen to me in the past and I am not going to do that again. I will be a sage old woman this time. It’s not worth it to be trodden on by a human being who has his own interests at heart and get hurt by it. Remember, no drama!

Well, I will continue with this in the morning. Bright and early, no doubt. See you then!

Friday morning 5:30 AM. I doubled up on the sleep medication to make sure I would sleep well and I did. I won’t make a habit of it, but it is nice, every once in a while, to sleep later than I am used to. We have rain and thunder and lightening again this morning. I won’t be able to take Jesker out for awhile. I hope he is not in a hurry. He is going to be bathed and trimmed this afternoon and will look like a movie star when he gets back. Like an aging, overweight movie star. He’ll never get a starring role again.

I am very happily drinking my coffee and smoking my cigarette. My, life’s pleasures can be so small yet so meaningful.

Our electricity is going to be off between 9 and 12 this morning. They are going to be working on the cables. Can you imagine that I will have to do without coffee and Internet for that long? Luckily my sister invited me for coffee at 10 AM and she has a built in espresso/cappuccino machine, so her coffee will be very good, but I can’t smoke there. Oh well…

I have nothing to add. I’ve poked around in my brain, but there is nothing else there. I am going to take my medicines and get dressed and wait for the rain to stop so i can walk Jesker. So I’ll see you all later.

Ciao…

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Contemplation.

I am writing this in addition to the post below that I published this morning, so by all means go and read that. I just felt like sitting here and putting some more thoughts on paper. Ha, it looks like paper, but it isn’t.

After I walked Jesker, I laid down on the sofa with the classical music MP3 plugged into my ears and fell sleep for another hour, which was quite pleasant, as I wasn’t quite done sleeping yet. I seem to constantly surround myself with music nowadays with every activity I do, where before I always had peace and quiet to the point that you could hear a pin drop. What a difference that suddenly is. I don’t know how that came about, really, but suddenly there was this need for music. ‘The time for silence had ended.

My daughter sent me some links for yoga and tai chi in Maastricht. She thinks it will be good for my body and mind to participate in one of these activities and I think she may be right. I am going to look into it. The tai chi sounds very interesting, but it is taught in a castle just over the border in Belgium and I may have a hard time getting there. We’ll see, there are all sorts of possibilities. I have done yoga in the past and I know it is something very pleasant to do. There used to be a woman who gave yoga lessons through the regional psychiatric center, but I don’t know if she still does that. I’ll have to ask about it.

I am undergoing the pleasant effects of my medications. It is such a pleasing experience when I feel them working. It is almost as good as having a whole body massage, but then in your mind, because it has the same effect. If I am the least bit uptight beforehand, I know it will be gone after I have taken my pills.

It is a strange experience to live in the same house with a man whom you suddenly don’t hug and kiss and caress anymore. I feel the need to, but I do not allow myself, as I feel that the act will get me pulled in emotionally again when I am trying to create distance and remoteness, as I don’t want to be emotionally involved. Having conversations about the subject of our marriage and the affair is as close as I want to come and that is already very close and I have to shake myself lose afterwards.

I am disconnecting myself and I find that much easier when he is not home, because I can go my own way. I feel seriously hampered when he is home and don’t know much else to do but sit on the sofa and listen to my music or watch TV. I don’t feel the freedom of movement that I have when I am alone. I would like to have discussions with him, but nowadays they are all about one subject and we do get done with that at one point. Eduard says that he feels watched by me from my position on the sofa and that he doesn’t feel free to do what he wants to do, so we seem to have the same problem. He thinks I can read what he writes on the computer from such a long distance and I can’t. I think he feels that I cramp his style.

Oh, I am listening to The Red Hot Chili Peppers now. I am not that familiar with their music, so this is an education. Listen, when you are a 53 year old woman, you have to do your best to stay up on the latest music. For all I know, I am already running behind the times. I do have to be a hip Momma.

If I remember correctly, I was hypomanic this time last year and I think that I am not now. I am pretty sure that I am not, because I don’t feel in the least bit religious and I am not going downtown to burn candles at the chapel. I remember feeling such a terrible need to last year and wearing my funky flamboyant earrings. I do periodically feel the need to buy clothes, but they are just little moods I get into. I bought a gorgeous sun dress, but I need to lose 10 lbs before I can wear it, so that is a good motivator. On Monday my gastric band is going to be filed some more at 8:45 AM and I am more than ready for it, because it has been since October since it has last been.

Speaking as a Borderliner, it seems to me that there ought to be a lot of literature out there about it, but I have been reluctant to find any books discussing the subject. I am so afraid that I am going to run into all sorts of horror stories of how bad it is to live with and how awful the symptoms are and what the suicide rate is. I think I must be better informed, but I have to find a safe way to do it.

At any rate, I must know when it is the borderline syndrome that is doing the speaking for me or if it is the real me that is doing it. There may be a very narrow boundary and it may be very hard to tell the difference. I assume right now that I am rational and that I am not deluding myself, but will I wake up one morning knowing that it was all a delusion I lived under and that I now see the real truth? I am still making sense, aren’t I? When you have an opponent who tells you that you have control issues you do start to doubt yourself.

Okay, I am going to do a little housework around here. I must keep up the apartment a little bit. It is quite dark outside and I have to have all the lights on inside. There is a big storm hanging over the town and there was thunder and lightning a while ago.

Ciao…

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A brand new day.

Wednesday 6:15 PM. I just woke up from a longish nap on the sofa. I was listening to my MP3 player with classical music on it and when Beethoven’s ninth symphnony came on I fell asleep and there is nothing better than to do that to “Ode to Joy.” I woke up two hours later to an tenor singing his heart out; I don’t know which song that was, something famous, I am sure. Let me tell you something, sleeping through two hours of classical music is very healthy for the mind, because when I woke up I felt extremely refreshed and ready to tackle whatever would come my way. So far no dragons have showed up and they had better not, because I am ready.

Eduard came away from his appointment with the psychiatrist this morning without a clear solution, like i secretely hoped for. Actually, he looked rather happy as he told me that what we should do is keep the dialog between us open and positive, when I could have sworn that we have been doing this all along and that we had reached an impasse in it and that this was the reason why Eduard went to see the psychiatrist. So, I guess we are back at point zero.

Eduard wants me to be patient with him and let the thing run its course although, in his words, it may take 2 to 3 or 10 to 15 years, who knows? Well, that’s exactly the problem isn’t it. I want the thing to have run its course now and I want it to be a closed chapter in my life and not one that I need to be reminded of every weekend and have my nose rubbed into. I am not talking only about what is happening now, but also the prehistory of it dating back to last year September. I feel sullied by that and as if I have been the victim of a crime that I keep being reminded of every weekend.

Anyway, I draw my hands off it and for me part of it is closed in that I no longer consider my ties with Eduard to be close. I have done away with intimacy and friendship and now just see him as someone I happen to share a living space with on a cordial basis. A solution will be found of a more permanent basis and it will be one that is most attractive to me. I will not be the victim of this rather unpleasant scene.

in spite of all of this, I feel good and I can find joy in my heart and contentment and love for the simple things, such as the animals and the music I listen to. Have you ever heard of Duffy? She has an album called Rockferry and I can highly recommend her. She sounds like a rock star from the early 60’s. Very cool! She is a newcomer on the scene and I think her album hasn’t been out that long. Look for her on Deezer or YouTube.

I am waking up from my naps in an ungrumpy way again and full of good hope. I am so filled with goodwill towards man and so full of positive feelings, I could probably move mountains if called for. I assume Mother Theresa felt this way all the time and so did Gandhi, no not our cat, I mean the famous one. Mahatma Gandhi. I wish I had the patience and the understanding of the human soul of those two people. Not that I have any desire to be canonized, God forbid.

I must stop writing now, as my husband has returned from his errand and has turned off my music and turned on the TV to watch the Belgian news, as we missed the Dutch news. Never mind, it will be on again at 8 o’clock. I’ll see you good people in the morning. Ciao…

Thursday 4:30 AM. Eduard has protested at the way I always picture him as a bad guy and reminds me that there were all those years that I was very sick and that he always took very good care of me and that he was very often very lonely. So, I am telling you about that now, because it is true. He never complained and he never criticised, he just carried it all on his shoulders. He never threatened to leave me, no matter how difficult it became. He was loyal and devoted and dependable. Very often i was near non-functioning and he just picked up wherever I left off. He spent many lonely days and weeks by himself when I laid in bed, too depressed to do anything.

Everybody I know is in great admiration of Eduard for the things he did for me then and for not leaving me when he had all the reasons in the world to. I suppose Eduard is saying to me, that I should have the patience with him now that he had with me then. Except that it doesn’t work that way, unless Eduard is suffering from a sickness now and he can’t help himself, but he says that he is not and that he is making a clear choice. Being with the other woman allows a part of him, that doesn’t come to expression in our marriage, to come to the surface and live and he does not want to suppress that part. He wants to give it room to breathe and come alive and exist. It is the part of him that was alive in his early 20’s when he was a bit of a rebel and a renegate and that definitely is not part of his life with me today.

So, I say, go and be that person then, go and do it, but he doesn’t want to be it full time. The rest of the time he wants to be with me, here, in this more normal life. This more bourgeois life. He wants both, he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

He is also unhappy with his condoned Saturday afternoon off and feels like it has taken all of the excitement out of the affair and he wants to go back underground when it was secretive and hidden. You can, of course, imagine what sort of stress this will create for me.

I see this ending up nowhere. Eduard is not to be cured from this obsession and I will never accept it, because I am not capable of it. It’s not some sort of stubbornness like Eduard claims it is, or a control issue. I am just emotionally incapable of handling this whole scene and I am looking forward to the day when I won’t have to anymore. I am mentally preparing myself for a divorce and during the day, when I am home alone, I imagine what that is like and if I am able. I will have to become more active outside this apartment and create more of a social circle, but I also know that there is special help for people like me with psychiatric disorders.

You mustn’t think that I am sitting here all down hearted, because I am not. I still see enough joy in life to savor it also. I am listening to some beautiful music through my head phones and Jesker is right here beside me. In a little while we will go for our morning walk after we have both taken our medications. I still look forward to each new day in the morning.

I am disappointed that my marriage is going to end on an issue like this. It seems such a terrible waste, when there are so many good ingredients. I have always claimed that I had a good marriage and a lovable husband. I suppose I didn’t quite know what I was talking about. Eduard has really surprised me in that he is willing to give up the marriage over an issue like this. I find it truly amazing.

Well, I am off to give Jesker his pills and take my own also. I hope you all have terribly interesting Thursday and that life treats you kindly.

Ciao…

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Joyfully.

9:30 PM Tuesday evening. I will very joyfully start writing a post now and maybe finish it later in the wee hours of the morning when I am up again after not having slept enough again as is usual, but see if I care, no I don’t. I am listening to Linkin Park and I am home alone, which means I have the sound turned up just a little louder than usual. It perks me up and makes me quite happy.

I used to think that I was too old for Linkin park, but I have changed my mind about that completely after having listened to them several times now. They are actually quite tame when you compare them to some other rock bands and they could even be called middle of the road as far as they go. See what a long way I have come? Now I’ve just switched to Limp Bizkit and even they are not all that unruly. I am waiting for something really rowdy and wild, but I know it will come. Patience will somehow have to be my middle name. How is that, Nora Patience? If you pronounce that with a French accent it could be a full name.

I do enjoy myself on my own. I can sit behind the computer and not worry about being sociable and listen to my music without worrying about making too much noise. It is better than listening with the headphones on, because this way I can hear the phone ring, but you know, some days go by and nobody rings. Isn’t that strange? I don’t mind really, but you expect a phone to ring periodically, even if it is someone trying to sell you funeral insurance. Or those awful people who try to get you to change energy suppliers by making promises of humongous savings, which they can’t make come true.

When Jesker and I went for a walk this afternoon, we saw a little old lady with a big handbag and a walking stick and for some reason Jesker finds people like that threatening and starts to barkat them, scaring the living bejeezus out of the little old ladies who back up quickly and shout, “No, no!” I reel jesker in and scold him, but he just thinks he’s protected me from some evil force. I think it’s the big handbag and the stick that does it. It’s all quite embarrassing and I hope one of those old ladies doesn’t topple over from fear one of these days.

I’ll go and take my medicines now and go off to bed. I’ll see you all soon enough here again. Until then, goodnight.

Wednesday 4:00 AM. Well, grumpy old me is up again. I fought going to sleep last night, but because I had taken all my medication, including my sleeping pill, it was hard to keep my eyes open and I reluctantly listened to Eduard who told me to relinquish my book and slide under the covers. It’s a true battle of willpower which I always lose. I don’t know why I fight going to sleep that much, because before you know it, I am up again having my first mug of coffee.

So, I am sitting here staring at the screen somewhat dimwitted with my second mug of coffee and I know that any minute now that caffeine is going to kick in and set me off into the right direction, namely forward and coherent and verbally inspired.

Yesterday, I had my talk with my SPN and she complimented me on the fact that I was so rational and straight thinking after having had such a scary and muddled weekend, which I had told her all about. I didn’t mince any words. I also told her about my action with the medications and she thought that was alright, but she had to check that with my psychiatrist first and she called me back later in the day to tell me that he was in agreement with the changes I had made and that I could continue with that regiment, which was a great relief to me, because it seems to work.

Anyway, we had a good talk and I didn’t feel that I had to hold back on anything that I had gone through in the weekend. All my desperate and awful thoughts, but she could obviously see that the situation was quite differently now and that I had things under control again and that I exuded serenity and confidence. I must assume that is is the changes in my medications that brought about this turn around and not some mood change coming from me, in other words a rapid cycle. I felt better when I started the change in the medication, like I hoped I would, and they all should have worked immediately. So, I am going to assume it is the medication that is allowing me to think rationally and thoughtfully.

In the afternoon I had my last appointment with the physiotherapist. I almost fell asleep on the bench when she massaged my back, I was so comfortable. Well, better that I fall asleep than she, right? I told her she did wonders with my back and she really did, because I can do so much more now that I could not do before. Such as vacuum and mop the floors on my hands and knees.

It really does feel good to be able to do physical activities such as housework easily when you haven’t been able to for a while. It’s very frustrating to watch someone else vacuum, because they always miss spots you would have vacuumed, but you don’t want to say anything about it, because they are doing you a favor. I am not claiming to be a super housewife here. Not at all! I just like certain things done a certain way.

Even though it is still early, I will leave it at this and go and read some other blogs. Hopefully there will be some interesting tidbits to read there. Isn’t that a funny word, “tidbits”?

Okay, you people, have a great day. It’s wonderful Wednesday today, just remember that.

Ciao…

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Enlightenment.

I knew there was a reason for me to take on the name Nora and for truly picturing myself as Nora and for having a very clear idea of who Nora is and what sort of values she stands for and what sort of no nonsense woman she is. The more shape and recognition she gets, the more I can identify with her and become how I imagine her to be and how I have always imagined her to be. An independent, free spirited, strong minded, singular woman who stands her ground and doesn’t suffer fools gladly.

I was very lucky to have two people whom I trust, address this Nora person last night quite extensively and they spoke to her true heart and mind and turned her around until she was facing in the right direction in her life, so she can move forwards and not be stuck in the convoluted life of her predecessor. It is very liberating and I, Nora, feel a new burst of energy and a new flow of courage and have an untapped source of wisdom and resources and people who care. I see now which game I have been caught up in and how to step out of it and how to move from dysfunction to function.

I realize that I am not going to learn to apply all these newly discovered insights all at once and that I will trip and fall and backslide, but I am determined to get up again and move forward and keep my eyes focused on the ultimate goal. That is for me to be a liberated human being who is free from craziness and fear and who does not walk around feeling anxious and mournful and stressed to the hilt. I have to keep in mind what life I have in store for me, Nora, and what I wish for that human being. A woman doesn’t get many chances to be reborn again. I have my chance now and I must take it when the opportunity presents itself so clearly…all of the dark clouds have disappeared! Well, that’s exaggerating a little bit. It just helps to talk to the right people.

This is just going to be a short post without any art again, I’m afraid, unless I find time later this morning to add some. I went to bed late last night and as a result I am up late and I now have to walk the dog and I also have to go see my SPN this morning. Oh, I know, I’ll add something old. You guys don’t mind that, do you?

Have a great day. Tuesday isn’t to bad, is it? It’s sort of an innocent day without any special connotations. For me it means SPN and physiotherapist day.

Ciao…

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Pills.

Well, I have had my share of pills today and they have helped me through the day quite well. I don’t feel drowsy or drugged right now, but quite relaxed and at ease, and I have managed to change my email address for all my incoming emails, which were scattered over two different ones and too confusing, so now I have a new email address with our existing provider, which after some confusion and help from the help desk worked out well. They were actually helpful at the help desk this time, can you believe it? Real service and so polite too! I just didn’t know what was happening to me at all. I was so surprised. Such nice and polite boys!

So, anyway, I have been taking a combination of Oxazepam and Temazepam and although the Temazepam makes me a little sleepy initially, it works well the rest of the time and that with the Oxazepam is making me a quite mellow woman with a more casual point of view on the world, which is a God sent. I get so terribly uptight and frenetic and anxious and desperate and frantic and scared and panicky and everything I don’t want to get and is not under my control and is most unpleasant to feel and be the victim of, because i want to self destruct and that is no good. So, I am not feeling those things now and I am very grateful for that and I am grateful for the medication helping me feel this way, even though neither my psychiatrist nor my SPN know that I am using it this way yet. I will worry about that tomorrow when I see my SPN.

I have been sober minded enough to walk Jesker 3 times today without tripping over any curbstones or other obstacles such as tree roots or well placed plant boxes. I didn’t fall off any steps by one of the fields where the sidewalk goes down and Jesker pulled me in a hurry to get to the middle of the field where he saw a duck. I very gracefully quick stepped down as if I did this every day of the week and didn’t lose my balance one bit. Not even while one nosy man was watching me closely in the expectation that I would.

It is true though, that you as a patient very often will know what you need when it comes to medications and what will work for you. You are your own best advocate in these things and it is as if you instinctively know what to do. I did know that I had to put a halt to my own madness, because I was moving in dangerous territory and things were about to happen that I no longer had control over.

Eduard did something evil and bought my favorite cookies and I ate them all. They are chocolate covered biscuits that are covered with pure chocolate and they are absolutely delicious. I had forgotten they were there until this morning, but then I had myself a party and ate them all. Oh, they were so good. Cookies I can chew very well in tiny little crumbs, so they don’t get hung up by my gastric band and pass easily. They are my downfall and if I ever go to heaven, it will be filled with boxes of chocolate covered biscuits. I can’t share them with Jesker, because of the chocolate and he looks at me very sadly, because he does not even get a crumb. I like having something all to myself. I am greedy that way.

Then they made me very thirsty, but I remembered that, for a change, we had a bottle of diet coke in the refrigerator and I had a huge glass of that, so it was a real treat for me today. Isn’t it nice when there is good stuff to eat and drink and they are just the things that you need? Somebody did some opportune shopping.

I am postponing going to bed. I want to stay up just a little while longer, although I know that as soon as I take all of my pills, I will be ready to sleep in no time. We bought a jar of honey yesterday at a stand with homemade products, so that should go well in a glass of hot milk. I can’t wait to try that.

The best thing about being home alone is that I can turn up the music as loud as the neighbors can stand it, which is not that loud, of course, but then the TV is off and I don’t have to worry about it bothering Eduard. I have turned up the bass high. It gives a nice booming effect.

I almost have to make new cigarettes and then I will stop writing and get that show on the road. It’s always a real pleasure to sit and do that repetitive action and swear when one of them doesn’t turn out right. All I say is shit, or something like that. I don’t really swear in Dutch. I never learned to and find it quite offensive if people do.

I don’t know what I am going to write about when I wake up in a couple of hours and find myself sitting here again behind this computer. It is possible that I will not have any subject to discuss and no post to write, accept to tell you how well or how badly I slept. I am sure I can write a paragraph on that.

Okay, now I am going to stop seeing as though this is my second post for today. I do overdo it at times, don’t I? It’s a hobby, you know, this blogging. Sometimes I just do a little more of it.

Ciao…or cheerio, as they also say in England I think.

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To Hell in a Hand Basket.

As I was afraid of happening, as this always happens after I behave so very mature and rational, my emotions caught up with me something fearsome yesterday afternoon and I started to fall apart badly. I was at the film house when I did and could not afford to make a scene there, so I put my sunglasses on over my crying eyes and peddled my bike home as quickly as I could. I rode my bike home as if devils were chasing me and when I got home I took a mega dose of tranquilizers and three sleeping pills and laid down on the bed and very quickly fell asleep for about 4 hours. I would have wished to have slept longer, but when I woke up the tranquilizing effect of the pills was still working and at least I felt very calm and relaxed and not much would and could have bothered me at that point.

It was a great relief to feel all that the stress of the past months had left my head and that for a while I didn’t give a damn about what was happening around me and who did what to whom. I felt complete calm and could not think of hardly any worry. When the pills started wearing of, I took another large dose of tranquilizers and when i went to bed at night, I took another sleeping pill, so I have slept relatively well.

So, you see that if I get the proper amount of medication in me, my suicidal thoughts leave me and I do not want to do anything drastic and regrettable and I am so mellow that I don’t really care about anything much, as all as long as I don’t feel it like a deep aching pain that is like a terrible twisting knife wound in my body and soul. Awful scenes of what I could do to end my life were playing in my head and they were all desperate and I do not want to succumb to them in an hour of despair and panic.

I wrote my psychiatrist a letter explaining to him my state of mind and will have Eduard deliver it to him when he goes to see him on his appointment this week. In it I clearly state my desire for more and better tranquilizers in order to keep my sanity and my head above water. I must take some combination of tranquilizers and sleeping pills to stay sedated and not get into trouble. Actually, the sleeping pills are nothing more and less than tranquilizers too, that work very quickly, and I would like to take a combination of those with my other tranquilizers during the day and night. I have looked them up and they have the same active ingredient and work basically the same way, but one works more quickly than the other and just a little differently.

These are drastic measures, but these are times that call for drastic measures. I know what I am capable of and it is not pretty and I do not want to go sliding down the slippery slope of madness and mayhem. I want to, at all cost, retain my equilibrium and my sanity and my inner peace, even if it is done artificially. I want to not feel and not give expression to my strongest and most violent feelings.

It’s a terrible thing to have psychiatric disorders which will make you behave in extremes where you know you do not belong and where you will feel emotions so overwhelming that even you want to hide from them. Where you have to protect yourself from yourself and keep dangerous objects out of sight.

I am sitting here now, being somewhat subdued and trying to make sense of it all. I am somewhat sober, but in a little while, I will take all of my medications and I will feel differently then this. Hopefully, I will feel pleasantly numb, while still being able to function. If I sleep away the hours, then so be it. Sleep is a healing master also and god knows that I need it.

Well, that’s all the words I am going to waste on the subject today, although I may write more later today, who knows? Jesker is making urgent sounds about his pain medication, so I have to go.

Caio…

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