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Posts Tagged ‘Eduard’

Because I had to live on a teeny little welfare check for two months, that was not even enough to buy groceries with, Eduard supported me financially the best way he could by also borrowing money and making ends meet. Because of this, Social Services sees this money as income and is therefor not giving me my regular welfare check for this month. As a matter of fact, I am getting no money at all. So, until September the 20th, I will have to live on the money I borrow from my Visa card, because money borrowed is not considered income, because you can show that you are having to pay it back. I can not receive money from anybody else, as that will be considered income and will be withdrawn from my welfare payment. I can submit an objection, but it is all going to take precious time and in the meantime I am going to be very poor and owing a lot of money.

Still, after the initial shock of it, I decided to put on my happy face and consider myself lucky that I even have a credit card with enough credit left on it that I can borrow the money from. I would have to go through all sorts of lengths to get money otherwise and frankly, I would not know how, except for hanging a red light in the window. So, I’m trying to look at it cheerfully.

The man who is handling my case at Social Services now is new and he thought that the money I had received from Eduard was an alimony payment and that I would get that much money all the time. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry and I told him that I was sorry, but that I had to pull myself together and that I would call him back shortly. I did have to pull myself together emotionally and I don’t like to do that while on the phone with a well meaning, but complete stranger.

This also explains why the tax people, who decide about my rent and medical care subsidies, told me they would call me back later this week between 1 and 3 PM. They are probably also assuming that I received a large amount of money in alimony payments and will forever. I sure do have some straightening out to do.

Anyway, this bright and happy news did set the tone for the rest of my day, even though I did not want it to, but I couldn’t help but be affected by it. The best thing to do is put on my brave trooper face and act like the whole damn thing is not going to get me down and it won’t in the end. I just hate bureaucracy and the stiff unbending rules that make it work against the little honest people. Eduard and I should have lied our heads off or have made different arrangements, but c’est la vie.

In the meantime, life at the Pondorosa continues with all the regular things that take place, although today was a little bit off. I did walk Jesker four times, but we didn’t make a long walk once, because he gets out of breath so quickly. He pants for a long time when we get back. I have been noticing that this summer. It’s not the heat, because it hasn’t been warm here at all for quite awhile.

I am having fun with Facebook, because this time it is I who picks out who I want to be friends with and I have a eclectic set of rules that only I understand. It comes down to instinct basically, guided by some very basic standards. I manage okay that way and have made some new friends. I even got Eduard to join, which is a miracle of itself.

Tomorrow I have wonderful ergo therapy and we will discuss detachment. I feel I have to crawl into my shell when I get bitterly disappointed, but maybe the thing is to seek your solace amongst people and their healing presence. At least I assume their presence can be healing. I am Irene the Brave, master of all my emotions. Right!

Eduard was here this afternoon, because his mobile phone is in my name and we thought his subscription had to be renewed and the person who owns the phone has to do that. It turned out that the subscription didn’t need to be renewed, it does it of itself, so that was a waste of time, even though they told us last year that we would have to do this. I had my passport and client number all ready for it too. Good intentions all the way down the line.

I am especially looking forward to going to bed tonight, even though so far I am postponing it, but it does mean an end to this rather disappointing day. At the same time, I don’t want to go to bed with even the slightest defeated feeling, so I am staying up until that is completely gone.

Jesker is snoring beside me after he has been very good about letting me put his eye drops in.

The differences between the cats and the dog are really so large. The dog is so dependent on me and the cats are hardly at all. Well, yes they are for their food and water and milk and they let me know very loudly when they’ve run out, but other than that, they are independent creatures that make up their own mind about when they come and go and when they need attention and how much they want. I am much more like a cat that way, because I like my independence too and I hate to be shackled to a time and a place and a person. I would hate to be a dog and I would probably bite my owner in his bum out of frustration. Maybe that’s why I am always so overly nice and patient with Jesker, because I would hate to be him and be dependent on a human being. I try to be an understanding human being for Jesker. I felt the same way when my kids were little and they were dependent on me.

I swept the apartment with a broom and a brush and dustpan this afternoon, because i thought the tax people might call me and I don’t hear the phone when I have the vacuum cleaner running. It worked equally well and you would be amazed by how much sand and hair I swept up. Actually, it was a meditative sort of job and kind of pleasant to do and I may do it again. The drawback is that I don’t vacuum the sofa and chairs then, so I will have to do that another time or wave my magic wand and have them turn out perfectly clean that way. Ha, I wish.

Well, I’ll end this epistle and go and do some other things until I am good and ready for bed. I could go on forever, but I don’t want to bore you with every tiny detail of my life, fascinating as it all may be.

See you all tomorrow, sleep tight.

Ciao…

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Eduard has asked me not to write about him anymore unless it is in a businesslike way and he has asked me not to write about Lieve at all and especially not by her name. From now on I will refer to Eduard as Ed and Lieve as Lovey and I have suggested to Ed that he stops reading my blog. It’s a two edged sword, reading the blog of your ex wife. Enough said about that. Gggrrrhhh…

Being up early is the exception that proves the rule. I went to bed on time because I was just worn out, but I just woke up in the middle of the night all wide awake and ready to get up and have a coffee and a cigarette and maybe write a post.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon Ed and I went to my bank were he was taken off my bank account and my name was changed back to my maiden name. I also changed the account to an Internet bank account and automatically had a savings account attached to it, which is kind of neat, because i wanted that anyway. When I left the bank, the woman who had helped me shook my hand and said, “Goodbye Mrs S**ders,” which I truly appreciated, being addressed by my own name.

Even when I am home, I am filling out forms or on the telephone making calls to get things organized, but I think today will be a fairly calm day, because Ed has been so kind as to offer to go all the way to the housing corporation to pick up the rental contract for this apartment for me, which I need next week for my appointment with Social Services. The housing corporation is a long bike ride away from here and I really didn’t feel like making it and asked him to do me the favor. I have however been riding my bike an awful lot and have lost a couple of kilos these past weeks. Of course, I haven’t been eating that much either, what with my gastric band having been tightened and I subsist on a small amount of food.

Yesterday afternoon I was supposed to meet Ed at his work, but they were in a meeting there and I walked over to Café Monopole and had a glass of dry white wine on the terrace all by myself and it was very cozy. I watched the people walk by and watched the people watch me. Then I went over to M&S Fashion and bought a top on sale for 9 Euros. See, I do know how to amuse myself. Oh, that reminds me, I have to do my tiny little bit of shopping at the grocery store today. It’s so funny, the small amount of food I have to buy, even when you include the food for the animals.

I just got completely distracted making a shopping list and then I started to organize the kitchen shelves, but I see I need to do a proper cleaning and I better finish this post first, but it is funny that I can clean up the kitchen at 3:30 in the morning and not bother anyone. It’s amazing the things I can do at any time of the day, but especially during the small hours of the night. Those are the neatest hours.

Well, now I am going to end this post, because there are some glass jars that need a good cleaning and that need to be filled with some interesting things, such as different teas. Oh, such fun!

Have an absolutely smashing day and make sure you get enough sleep. not like me here who has a screwy schedule.

Ciao…

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Okay, back to normal, or as normal as I can get it for right now. I woke up very early and couldn’t sleep anymore and felt a little bit distracted and uptight and then more and more so and finally realized that I had forgotten to take all of my medications before I went to bed last night. So, I took some of them and I will wait with the rest, because in a few hours it will be time to take those. Slowly I am starting to feel a little bit more normal again. It is not good to forget the medications! Especially not the ones that help make you think straight.

I had an especialy tiring day yesterday and I think it was an especially emotionally tiring day. In the morning I saw my SPN and that actually was fine, but it did get a train of thought going within myself about my past marriage and it was hard to put a stop to it, especially as I had an appointment with Eduard later in the afternoon to see the divorce mediator.

I don’t think it is a very good thing for me to see that much of Eduard right now, but it can’t be helped as there are all these details we need to take care off, but he does end up taking up a lot of space in my head, to the point that I start to think that he is living here again and that I forget that I can go my own way and do things as I want them.

The appointment with the mediator went fine too and a lot of things were clarified. It was a very intensive conversation and we had to answer a lot of questions, but we do know where we stand financially now and the picture isn’t all that bleak. We’ll both manage.

I have to go to the Center for Work and Income today to get myself registered to get my welfare payment started and my subsidies on rent etc. I also have to go to the bank to change my account back into my maiden name and make in Internet accessible and have Eduard’s name removed from it.

I had to send away for a new copy of our marriage certificate from the Sonoma County Courthouse, but I was able to do that on line and I hope that all works out well, as it was very expensive to do and it will be sent by FedEx and should be here soon. I have yet to receive a confirming email, though. If this doesn’t work out, my daughter will have to get it for me and send it to me by regular mail.

Well, I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

This morning I have ergo-therapy and I am looking forward to that, because I feel a certain amount of stress and hope to get rid of some of it there. It will be good to sit around that big table and talk.

It is good to listen to the things that keep other people busy, what occupies their minds, what they worry about, what sort of troubles they run into. It puts things into perspective. You look at yourself and see that maybe you are not so bad off in comparison, that at least you would not want to trade your set of troubles for theirs. Some people get really raw deals.

Well, this is just a short post. I hope to be completely invigorated by the next and be roaring like a tiger and ready to tackle which ever problem comes my way.

Ciao…

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Mother Nature proved her point that I can sleep without sleeping pills by letting me sleep until just one minute before the alarm clock went off at 7 Am this morning. How is that for perfect planning? This Goddess is a genius. Then I walked around with the alarm clock in my left hand, because I don’t know how to undo the repeat function, so every minute, for 8 minutes, it goes off again. I peed and made coffee and took my medicines and gave Jesker his medicines accompanied by the happy sounds of the snooze alarm. Darn thing!

It doesn’t bother me one bit to sleep alone in the apartment. I don’t have the least amount of insecurity or fear. I have a flashlight on my nightstand in case the electricity goes off and I know what to do if it does. I was up very briefly during the night, an old habit, no doubt, and I made a cup of decaf, but was asleep again before I finished it and I am doing al of this without the sleeping pills. I think it is amazing.

Jesker and I had a cozy time waking up together and then we went for our walk which was chilly. It feels like fall instead of spring. Jesker doesn’t care, he just hops and jumps ahead of me full of joy and goodwill. Oh goody, all these bushes to pee on and stuff to eat off the street before She can stop me from doing so.

I vacuumed the living room and the sofa and chairs really well. Of course, the cats had inundated the new chair with cat hair and now I don’t want them on there anymore at all, so I have a spray bottle of water and each time one of them jumps on the chair they get a good spraying. They certainly don’t like that. Ruining my mew chair! I’ll show them.

At 11 o’clock Eduard came walking in without announcing himself as if he still lived here. We had to make a rule about that right away. Call to let me know that you are coming now.

He went hard at work in the spare room and there was a lot of work to do. Eduard did most of it, as it was mainly his stuff and I did odds and ends, but I did clean out my own closet and shoe storage box and filled some trash bags with junk. Eduard worked very intensively and hard, but I noticed that after three hours I started emotionally sinking as fast as the Titanic. All the stress and negativity and impotence came rushing back into me and I just wanted Eduard to leave.

Luckily, he chanced to get a glimpse of my face and asked me what was wrong and I told him that he had been here too long and that he should go now. Well, Eduard recognizes a hint when he sees one and left very soon after that and it took me about 30 minutes to get my composure back. It made me realize that Eduard and I can never live together again, because he has such a negative effect on me and I thought how sad it was that I had walked around with those feelings all that time. I feel such emotional freedom without him.

He is not quite done yet in the spare room and will have to come back, but maybe he can get the rest accomplished when I am not home some time. I become impotent when I am around him and I don’t want that.

I think, actually I am pretty sure, that I don’t want to be in an intimate relationship again, because I don’t think they bring out the best in me. I think I do best as a single unit with lots of breathing space and room to move around in. I feel suffocated very quickly and don’t like the clinging part and the we become as one bit. I thought I liked it, but I don’t. I pretty much hate it. A dog is as close a relationship as I want to have with a male character.

I can’t begin to express to you the experience I have when I am alone in the apartment with the animals. It is so very special. It is as though I have been given a new life after having been terminally ill for a very long time. There is so much quiet joy in it and so much satisfaction and so much pleasure. It is the most therapeutic thing that has ever happened to me. There is a total lack of negativity.

The closest I have ever come to this was when I was a teenager and I didn’t have a boyfriend and I spent quiet evenings and weekends home alone with my parents and just luxuriated in the very simple things of life. I always found boyfriends to be very bothersome. I thought I ought to have one, but I usually broke up with them quickly, not being able to do the relationship well at all and feeling a huge relief after I had broken up with them. If it had not been so expected by my environment, I might never have gotten married at all and just have stayed an old maid. I probably would have been happier.

Well, I can certainly be an old maid now, can’t I, Yippee! No need to go out and do anything conventional. Nobody is expecting anything from me now. I don’t have to dance the polonaise, as they say here.

Well, now I’m off to do some ironing and scrub the kitchen sink and maybe wash a window or two, if I am so inclined. There is nothing like getting a little aggressive with a bit of scouring powder in a dirty kitchen sink.

Ciao y’all…

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All day…

Sometimes it takes me all day to get in the proper mood to write a post and this morning i was too tired. I woke up at 6 AM and was so sleepy. I walked the dog and went back to sleep, no posting for me and the funny part was, that I hadn’t taken my sleeping pill the night before, so I am going to try that again tonight.

Now, when I say proper mind to write a post, that doesn’t mean that I am sitting here being miserable, because I am not. I just don’t feel like writing when I am off doing other totally unimportant things that keep my little life busy. Today was one of those days when I kept myself busy doing a myriad of things that I couldn’t begin to tell you about, because they were all of no great impact on anything at all. They were just piddling around things like walking the dog and downloading music and doing laundry and talking to Eduard about things.

I am happy to report that Eduard has found a temporary place to stay until he has his own apartment. He is going to be staying with some friends who have very close connections with the anti-squatters organization. This organization gets good renters for vacant properties so that they don’t become inhabited by squatters. There was a registration stop, but Eduard’s friend has gotten him past that process and will manage to get him to the head of the waiting line too, so he should have something soon. These are perfectly respectable places to live in with gas and water and electricity and everything, so it is not a primitive situation. He can live in one of these places while he is still on the waiting lists with the housing corporations. Eduard will be moving out tomorrow evening.

I feel very good about all of this and glad that this now has been settled. On Wednesday morning, Eduard and Lieve are going to pack up a lot of Eduard’s belongings and put them in the spare room in boxes that Lieve will bring with her. I am gone all Wednesday morning, so that’s why they planned it then. It doesn’t matter to me either way, but I will make a list of all the kitchen stuff that Eduard can pack and talk about that with him, since he cooks and I don’t.

It was a great relief when Eduard said he was leaving tomorrow evening. We are getting along okay, but he shouldn’t be here anymore now and I will feel better being on my own. He will come by once a week to take care of the bills and the administration until we have the divorce settled and we will have telephone contact. That’s enough. He says that he wants to get on with his life too and he feels uncomfortable doing that here, and I can understand that.

My mood for the most part is good. I do have my odd moment of sad feelings, but they don’t last long and I usually bounce back out of them really well. I don’t dwell on those times. If I think about being lonely, I try to think off solutions to combat that or I just wait for it to pass, because it does. Walking with the dog four times a day helps too. Come rain or shine, mostly rain right now. It comes pouring down like buckets.

Since Eduard is taking his big leather lounge chair, I am buying a chair from Ikea. It is called Tullsta, it is 79 Euros and I am getting it in red, just in case you want to look it up. I think we will pick it up tomorrow if we can borrow my sister’s car.

That’s all the news i have for now. Nothing earth shattering. I’m not really in the proper mood to blog, isn’t that strange? Me, of all people. I am too preoccupied with other things now.

Have a great day!

Ciao…

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Eduard objected to the fact that I said in my previous post that he went out back to make a quick phone call before he went off on his motorcycle. He did not make a phone call then and he says it makes him look sneaky, which he isn’t anymore. So, I withdraw that statement and say that I don’t know when he made that phone call, but he did not sneak out back and make it. That was my mistake. I hope I rectified that here.

When he came home, we had our first ‘normal’ discussion about our divorce and what we need to do in order to dissolve our marriage. It went very amicably and I think that we will handle it just fine and that we will not have any major arguments about it. We seem to agree on how we want things to go and how to divide things up and who gets which cats and Eduard is being more than fair, as he should be. We will do it so it causes the least amount of upset for me and Eduard will help me in every possible way. It will be a friendly and cordial divorce and afterwards we will have a friendly and cordial relationship. I did not say friendship, I said friendly and cordial.

I, for one, feel greatly relieved. I don’t know how Eduard feels and I won’t try to interpret that here. I feel like I am crawling out of a deep dark cave that I’ve been living in for a long while and am going out in the sunshine again. It will be wonderful to live my own life by my own rules and be answerable only to myself. I am ready to be an individual and not to be in a symbiotic relationship that was unhealthy for the both of us. We were codependent of each other and it was not good, because we fed each other’s worst aspects. Now that we are going to be apart, I can see that so clearly. A lot of good is going to come out of this, I can see that now.

I am not planning on having another relationship, because I don’t think relationships bring out the best in me. I think I am dysfunctional in relationships and I don’t wish to be. I am afraid that, until I am completely who I am supposed to be, I will not function well with somebody else, and that may take me the rest of my life. That is fine with me. I will concentrate on other sorts of relationships first. The friendship kinds and the family bonds. First I will become the Nora that I have the vision of and that is going to take some practice.

My lumbago! Well, what can I say? It is painful, but the painkillers help a lot, they really do and I get around a little better. The desk chair is still the best place to be and I spent a lot of time there yesterday. I can’t afford another round at the physiotherapist, so ten days worth of painkillers should do the trick, if I need them that long at all. I’ve heard of other people that it usually lasts 4 to 5 days. Darn, and I was doing so well too.

I found a lot of new to me artists over at Deezer’s yesterday and made a long playlist. Some of them I can get at the library, so I will get the CD”s there. In the meantime, I can listen to the playlist. I just can’t share it with you, which is kind of a bummer, because I would want you to know sometimes which artists I have found and listen to. Have you ever heard of a band called “Death Cab for Cutie”? Well, that’s my point and they are good! So are Badly Drawn Boy and The Shins and Nada Surf and Phoenix and dEUS.

Well, me and my newly found wisdom about modern music! Jeez, speaking of the newly converted. If anybody wants to point me to a really good artist, then please feel free to do so. In the meantime, you can watch and listen to this. By the way, dEUS is a Belgian rock band.

I think The Netherlands should get together with Flanders and form one country and become the United Low Countries and have a president. We share a language and a culture and a history, we may as well become one and it would make for an ever so much more interesting country if we had the Flemish in it also. They have a better sense of humor then we do, socially and politically. We would do away with the royal houses and have presidential elections and all sorts of wonderful political parties. I wonder when someone is seriously going to consider this? Maybe I should start up a movement. They have wonderful food and beers there also. I think we should do it. All those in favor…Are there any Belgian readers in the house?

Well, now I am going to end this epistle. I’ve blathered on long enough. I am going to read some blogs, I mustn’t neglect my good friends out there. I am actually waiting for it to be time for it to take the rest of my medicines. I still have to wait 45 minutes, that seems like a long time.

Have a fun Sunday. Have a sunny Sunday and a lazy one.

Ciao.

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Thursday afternoon. Eduard has asked me not to discuss anything personal about him on my blog and he is right, of course. In my eagerness to tell my story, I do forget boundaries and I cross them and talk about other people’s personal issues and I should not. So, I am going to make it a point not to do that anymore. It may be difficult at first and I will have to carefully weigh my words, but I must make the effort.

For those of you who are concerned about my emotional well being, I must assure you that I am well. In fact, I am doing better than I have in a long while without going overboard. I am very sure of myself and I have made up my mind about a number of things and I feel comfortable with my decisions. Many issues have become very clear to me and I feel much less dysfunctional. I feel anticipation and excitement at the possibilities that lie ahead and I don’t feel an overwhelming amount of sadness. I know what makes me feel irritated and angry and I try to avoid those situations. I detach myself a lot and try not to get overly involved anymore. I do not feel desperately unhappy or unreasonably scared or frightfully lonely.

I feel just fine and I will keep feeling fine. I am looking into what sort of legal arrangements need to be made at the least amount of expense and stress. Luckily there is a free legal organization that helps you with all your questions. They have a visiting address and a website. I think we will be in good hands there. If Eduard and I can arrange this amiably, it should not be that difficult to take care off.

I am more than ready and I can already envision my freedom and I like the taste of it. During the day, when I am home alone, I pretend that I am and I like it. I am making arrangements to start up the daytime therapy that I was supposed to start in March. I have an appointment about that in June, on the ninth. I think I will start with one therapy and slowly work my way up to three. I will not chicken out this time. I think I will introduce myself to the group as Nora, as she is the emancipated woman who is going to do this all. It will be my coming out of the closet time.

Well, that’s all I wanted to say right now. I will talk at you all later. Ciao…

Thursday evening. Well, I’ve been comatose on the sofa for a while. For quite a while actually. Eduard walked Jesker and I didn’t even hear him leave go to his work. Now I’ve got the apaprtment all to myself again and I am playing all the new music that I uploaded to the Real Player from the CD’s that Eduard brought home from the library today. That’s to start filling my fourth MP3 player with modern music. I have turned it up a little hard and have the bass turned up too, so it really beats through the apartment. Oh, how I do like that. I am rocking in the desk chair. Now I need to make myself a mug of decaf and I’m all set.

The daytime therapy I want to start with is ergo-therapy, which sounds like erger-therapy, Erger is the Dutch word for to bother, so we actually call it to bother-therapy, because that is what it feels like. They try to pluck your mind through artistic methods, but I don’t mind. It is actually kind of a challenge. Once you know what the purpose is, you can work along with the process and achieve some results. If that works out and I feel comfortable doing that, I would like to try the creative therapy. I actually hope to meet some people there who are similar minded to me and who I can get along with and maybe make new friends. I need to broaden my social circle, especially if I am going to be a woman on my own.

I very much don’t want to include any men in my social circle unless it is clearly understood that they are included for platonic reasons only. I am, right now, so tired of the dynamics between men and women and the whole sexual attraction thing and the whole kit and caboodle that comes with it. I think I am permanently turned off and I would rather, more than anything, become an independent woman of my own with many other women friends. And dogs and cats, I must always have them for company. Jesker is getting old, but I will immediately replace him if something were to happen to him.

I don’t want my heart to be broken again, I know that for sure, and for a while it looked as if Eduard was breaking my heart deeply until I put a stop to it. I have made myself less vulnerable now, I have taken my love out of the equation and called it to a halt. I thought that there was no way I was going to let something like this happen to me again. Go crazy with heartache, no not me. I have let that happen to me in the past and I am not going to do that again. I will be a sage old woman this time. It’s not worth it to be trodden on by a human being who has his own interests at heart and get hurt by it. Remember, no drama!

Well, I will continue with this in the morning. Bright and early, no doubt. See you then!

Friday morning 5:30 AM. I doubled up on the sleep medication to make sure I would sleep well and I did. I won’t make a habit of it, but it is nice, every once in a while, to sleep later than I am used to. We have rain and thunder and lightening again this morning. I won’t be able to take Jesker out for awhile. I hope he is not in a hurry. He is going to be bathed and trimmed this afternoon and will look like a movie star when he gets back. Like an aging, overweight movie star. He’ll never get a starring role again.

I am very happily drinking my coffee and smoking my cigarette. My, life’s pleasures can be so small yet so meaningful.

Our electricity is going to be off between 9 and 12 this morning. They are going to be working on the cables. Can you imagine that I will have to do without coffee and Internet for that long? Luckily my sister invited me for coffee at 10 AM and she has a built in espresso/cappuccino machine, so her coffee will be very good, but I can’t smoke there. Oh well…

I have nothing to add. I’ve poked around in my brain, but there is nothing else there. I am going to take my medicines and get dressed and wait for the rain to stop so i can walk Jesker. So I’ll see you all later.

Ciao…

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