Poop and dung.

When we asked our mother what we were having for dinner when we were kids, she would sometimes answer, “Poop and dung,” and the Exfactor’s mother would add to her kids, “Windowsills with noisy sauce.” Such are the strange things Dutch mothers tell their children in the Netherlands when they are tired of the same old question about what’s for dinner.

Sometimes, when I am very silly and tired and I don’t feel like answering the phone, but I must, I say those things when I answer the phone, regardless of who is on the other line. I pick up the phone and say, “Poop and dung and windowsills with noisy sauce.” So far, it has been someone I know, it has yet to be a stranger and that is not because I have call recogntion, because I don’t even look at the number without my reading glasses on. Sometimes I get hit by silliness and I don’t want to take anything seriously anymore.

I tried to take today seriously, as a matter of fact, my brain was taking things way too seriously and I revolted by doing all the opposite things that it wanted me to do. So instead of bending my frustrated head over a lot of new mail and paperwork, I vacuumed, and instead of filling out forms and gathering paperwork, i did laundry, and instead of writing a letter of objection, I went grocery shopping. I just didn’t want to deal with it today, although I know in my head exactly what I need to do.

Then I didn’t open up outlook express and I didn’t read any blogs and I didn’t go to Facebook. I just didn’t have the energy for it and after dinner, I took a nap on the sofa. I think I am temporarily overwhelmed.

When I woke up from my nap, the Überhund was laying beside me very patiently looking at my feet and my shoes, so I asked him if he wanted me to put my shoes on and he got very excited, so that meant yes. That good old dog, all he wants from me is a walk and that was just what I needed.

I had to deworm him today so he had urgent business and I read the enclosure to the package well and found out that dogs need to be dewormed every 6 months, which is something I didn’t know, because the Exfactor always took care of that. So I wrote it down in my diary and will transfer that information to the new diary that I will get in December. He thought it was great, as he thinks anything from a package is great as it all gets wrapped up in good slices of sausage. The pills for the cats are chewable, but do you think those cats will voluntarily chew those pills? No way. I don’t know what the solution is yet. A karate hold may do it with oven mitts on.

This morning at ergo therapy, three of us had to play three different roles and try to trip up two other people who had no idea of our intentions, they were only told to be on their guard. So, one of us was agressive, the other one was neutral and one was overly nice. That was I, the last one. We did it with paper and paint and we had to act out our roles in paper and paint without talking. Our body language and our manner of painting had to clue them in and their reactions were a clue to how they dealt with these different approaches. I was overly sweet and mushy and one of them handled that well and the other one got quite uncomfortable with it. It was very interesting and it was about bounderies and when you set those and how far you let people go. Can a nice person get away with things? Do you let an aggressive person walk all over you? How do you deal with a neutral, equal person?

I really learn a lot there, although with every task we are told to do, there is a huge resistance on my side to do it that I have to overcome. My first reaction is not to do it, that I can’t do it, that it is impossible for me to do. It is like a fear in myself that I have to fight. Then I go and do it perfectly and I wonder why I had all that resistance. Every time it is the same thing.

I am tired people. It is pajama time. Tomorrow will be paper work day. Face reality day.

Ciao…

Read Full Post »

Wake up, Irene!

I fell asleep on the sofa at 4 PM this afternoon and now I am semi-awake, but slightly disoriented and I keep thinking that somebody is going to come home any minute and I cringe every time I hear a motor engine or a door slam. I have just made myself a large mug of coffee and I hope that with the aid of it, I will soon return to the reality that is my life and not this half awake life in which I am only imagining things. I am sure you all know this feeling of waking up in the middle of the day and having to place yourself in the right context again and sometimes that takes awhile.

The Überhund is sound asleep at my feet. His solid presence comforts me and i realize how much he has changed and how nice and mellow he has become. He used to be such a pain in the neck and constantly want attention and beg for it by being slightly obnoxious, but he does none of that now. He is a nice and quiet dog and talks to me if there is somethings he wants or needs and I can usually figure it out. I think he was in competition with the Exfactor for the Alpha dog role and it made him insecure.

I am not sure which role I have now. When we go for a walk, I am the boss, I made sure of that, but I don’t know for sure if I’m the Alpha dog at home. I hope I am, because he does listen to me and follows me wherever I go, so I must be. When I get home, he is very happy to see me, but he always turns his butt to me to be greeted, does anyone know what that means? Is that submission? Or the opposite?

I have decided on Facebook, that as soon as a person I am ‘friends’ with keeps adding friends at a phenomenal rate and does not communicate with me, I remove them as a friend. I have gotten rid of two so called ‘friends’ that way today and I think I will be removing more. It is after all not a competition to see how many ‘friends’ a person can gather, although that seems to be the purpose for some people. I am not in it for that. I like to approach people myself and sometimes that works out, but sometimes people approach me and I take a chance. There is always the remove button, though. It’s nice to have your occasional comments reacted to. It means people care and are paying attention.

We’ve had a hot weekend, but just now it has started to rain. It is assumed that this was the last of the summer weather and that now the fall will start, although it seems to us that process has been going on already for a while. I was just about to go outside to water the potted jasmine, but now I won’t have to. It looks like it survived it’s haphazard transplant and i think I will have a really healthy plant there next year. With any luck, it will bloom this winter.

The weekend went by quickly. I didn’t actually do very much, except for vacuum and that was a real fun job, because i had changed the bag in the vacuum cleaner and then it always works extremely well. It would suck up the cats if they didn’t get out of the way. It works well on the new area rug and that is good, because I was hoping it would take care of the dog hair there and any fleas or other nasty things that decided to drop off the animals, although I think that the Überhund is flea free now. I ended up buying him Frontline, as I thought the stuff that the vet gave me wasn’t working that well, but the Frontline seems to have done the job. He is also wearing a flea collar, but I don’t have much faith in it. Vacuuming a lot does the trick.

In a way I am happy that the weekend is over. I do like the laziness of it, but tomorrow i have creative therapy and I am looking forward to that, when I finish peeling the backs of those images and start putting the paint washes on. It also means the bureaucracy starts up again and I will have to gather the paperwork on why I don’t want to pay city taxes to go with the objection I sent per Internet this weekend. Basically, because I don’t have an income and I have to show that.

I also have to make an official objection against them withholding my welfare check. It’s all a pain in the butt, but it has to be done. I have to find out where to send the paperwork.

Well, my pall the Überhund really wants to go out now, so I suppose that’s what we will do.

Have a nice end of the weekend and tell me how you deal with adversity, I would so like to know.

Ciao…

Read Full Post »

Hot and muggy.

It’s very warm and muggy outside and I just vacuumed my little heart out until the sweat trickled down my back and I said, “Okay, that is enough of that! No animals deposit any more hair on the furniture until the day after tomorrow.” Ha, wishful thinking. I even turned the sofa cushions and vacuumed the reverse sides, how’s that for good housekeeping? What made me do it? I don’t know. I was hoping to find a 50 Euro bill someone might have dropped there. No such luck, of course.

I wore my skimpiest dress, which is also my favorite dress, as it is very light weight and is has the least little bit of sleeves, well you can hardly call them that, They’re more like little shoulder covers and they show my lacy black bra straps. Woo hoo.

I need to take a nap….

Well, I wanted to take a nap, but then the phone rang and it was my friend Lucien who’s mother recently died, so we spent some time talking about that and when I got off the phone I made a shopping list and went to the grocery store, where I bought some of that very good pudding I like so much and so does the Überhund.

Then I called the Exfactor to see how he is doing and then I turned on the TV to see how the Netherlands did in the horse dressure and found out that we won a gold medal, which is very gratifying and the horse and rider did beautifully to a piece of music composed especially for them by Wibi Soerjadi, a classic piano player.

Then I took a nap and the Überhund had to wake me up, because he had to go out very badly, so I took my keys and let him run outside, which he loves and sometimes I just let him do that, I don’t put him on the leash and we circle the block and stay on all the grassy areas and he thinks it is great. I just have to be careful that he doesn’t cross a street, which in his exuberance he will do.

He’s been really good about me putting his eye drops in, because he gets a reward afterwards, so not a grumble out of him. Today some junk came out of his eye and I’ll take that as a good sign. I wiped it right out and it was clear and whitish.

The Exfactor is going to the University Hospital here in town for his follow up on his broken wrist, which I think is good, because it is a very large and modern hospital with all the latest resources. They will put a new cast on his arm, because the one he has on now is quite uncomfortable. Somehow he manages on his own and can even walk to the store with his badly banged up knee to get his groceries. I am glad about that, because I would hate for him to be in a position where he needed to be taken care of. My sister offered to help him, but I think he turned her down, as he is stubborn and wants to do things on his own. He is even talking about going into work as soon as his knee gets a little better and he can move the fingers of the arm that is in the cast better.

Tomorrow morning I have ergo therapy and I am already hot and bothered about it, no, that’s from the weather, but I know she is going to discuss our lesser personality traits and I already know that I am not willing to give any of them up. To me, giving them up would mean being the opposite of them and that is how I used to be and I don’t want to be like that anymore. The only one I would find worth considering changing is the one that says I am remote or stand offish. I am friendly, but not easily approachable, but through pain and shame you get very wise and that is what 14 years of being a psychiatric patient has done for me. It has put up an invisible, but impenetrable barrier between me and my fellow human beings.

So, I will make a concession on that one, but not on the other ones. I will stay cynical and foolhardy and strict and detail oriented. I’ve worked hard to become those things and I am not going to let go of them and become less of them than what I am. I especially like being cynical, as I see people around me who are not and who are foolish and get themselves into all sorts of awkward situations.

My sister is so naive, that for 12 years she thought that dandelions were called dandy liners, because someone in America had told her that. That’s what I mean. She told me that’s what they were called a few months ago and I had to set her straight with some effort. This is just a minor example, of course. She also thinks that young bachelor men don’t go to the all naked sauna to look at naked women, they go there out of their high moral principles. Do you have a Brooklyn Bridge you want to sell or some property in Florida?

I don’t think you can get through life without being cynical. I think it is a great asset and I think back in humiliation to the time when I wasn’t and I took everything at face value.

Well, anyway…

Two cats are transfixed in front of the window by events that are not taking place in the street. They just act like there is something to look at and pretend it is of great interest to them. It could be a falling leaf. I always hate to close the curtains in the evening, because I feel that I am robbing the cats of their amusement factor and I always wonder why the Überhund never looks out the window, when all he has to do is get on his two hind feet. He absolutely shows no interest, except when people stop to look at the cats sitting there. Then he starts barking madly and scares everybody away, including the cats.

It’s time to call a halt to these proceedings. I am going to mindlessly watch some TV and eat toast. In my pajamas.

Have a great whatever you are having. Morning, afternoon or evening.

Ciao.

Read Full Post »

Naps.

I have somehow managed to take three naps on the sofa today. You would think I was very tired of leading a very busy life or something. I sort of half hang over the armrest and before you know it, it is one hour later and I have been asleep all that time. I wake up very refreshed and dying for a mug of coffee and a cigarette and I am quite devoid of guilt.

That is one thing I have noticed anyway, living by myself, that I don’t walk around having any free floating, based on nothing, guilt feelings and that I don’t have any free floating, based on nothing, negative feelings about myself. There is no nagging little nasty voice in the back of my head trying to talk me out of a good feeling and trying to destroy my good mood and making me feel less than I am.

I think that is because I am the mistress of my own thoughts, I really and truly am, and no one can determine how and what I am going to think about myself or a situation I am in and how I handle it. There is no one there to shame me into thinking I am doing something wrong, real or imagined. I am autonomic and pretty certain of my own way of thinking. I don’t feel that there is a judge sitting in my head ready to cleave me in half with his mighty sword if I do something wrong.

It is good to live guilt free and to know that you are doing nothing to be ashamed about. That your thoughts are sensible and clear and that your actions make sense and are right. That you are not constantly in your head defending your points of view and your decisions and your actions. More than anything though, that you are free of shame and embarrassment.

I think I was made to live by myself, because it seems to come to me so naturally. I have fallen into the role so easily. All I really need on a regular basis is the Uberhund to pet and talk to and to go for walks with.

Of course, I can’t do without human contact and I do need that on a regular basis. I enjoy being around people and having short interactions and maybe deeper friendships. But I like living on my own. I like filling up my own space and not sharing it with anyone else. I shudder at the thought of having to give it up and sharing it with someone else. I think I will never do that again.

Outside it is thundering and raining and the Uberhund thinks he needs to go out. Sooner or later we will have to go and brave the weather, just for a short run. I with the umbrella and the Uberhund  with just his naked fur. I hope we don’t get struck by lightning, it would be such a sad ending.

Goodnight you all, It is very dark here with all those thunder clouds.

Ciao…

Read Full Post »

A dull day.

I am having a dull day and I am having it on purpose. I feel dull and dumb witted and I have decided not to exert myself at all and not do anything that requires great amounts of efforts, except for walking the Uberhund. I have lazed on the sofa, taking little cat naps, listening to my music, thinking insignificant thoughts, turning into a vegetable, an eggplant maybe, and letting the whole world pass in a parade and it feels good.

It’s so pleasant being lazy and dull and dumb witted. I haven’t even properly made up my face, though I have combed my hair and put on decent clothes. I know the queen isn’t coming by for tea today, so I don’t give a hoot. I’ve done the dishes and made the bed and cleaned up the living room, so we know a decent person lives here.

I sit here and yawn and think about the next nap and how lovely it is to drift off until the Uberhund nuzzles me with his nose to get me up. This morning I repeatedly hit the alarm clock until the snooze alarm stopped and went back to sleep until the Uberhund thought I had done enough of that and woke me up. He did have dire business to do due to that found bone.

It was already warm outside at 7 AM and we made a longish walk and when we got home, I realized I had forgotten to take the mail to the mailbox, so we went and did that too. We were fairly worn out after that and both took naps. In the interest of science, I am willing to find out how many naps a 53 year old woman can take on a lazy Saturday in early July, accompanied by her trusty four footer.

That bone put the Uberhund off his food for a while, but he just ate a bowl of Frolic, so I guess he is back to normal now. I wonder if he puts two and two together in his mind and associates eating the bone with not feeling so well? At least he had a terrific time yesterday gnawing on it and feeling like a ferocious ancestral being. I am still wondering if we stumbled upon the scene of a crime and it was part of a human thighbone? My imagination works overtime.

The cats are droopy like we all are. We are all just droopy. I called my sister and she was cleaning her house from top to bottom and I think there is something seriously wrong with her, because she sounded as if she was enjoying it. I had to call her about a grammatical question and since she is a trained elementary school teacher there is no better person to ask. I have forgotten so many of those Dutch rules. I always forget to ask her, because i forget she is smart and knows these things.

I have to forward the Exfactor’s mail to him now at his new address and I still have to look it up each time, but soon I will know it by heart. I can’t address it to that cute house with the climbing rose over the front door portico with the number 15 next to it and the nicely shaped bushes in the front garden.

I enjoy getting mail now, when it is addressed to me in my own name. Even bills I don’t mind and I am very organized. I have everything in binders in its own place.

My sister just came by to bring me this weekend’s paper. She thought I might enjoy reading it and I said, yes to add it to my stack of recycled paper that needs to be put to the curb. That’s on the 26th of July, I mustn’t forget that. That’s why I’ve got that no/no sticker on the mail slot, so I won’t get any of that extra paper junk in my mail box. The weekend paper is so large too!

The Uberhund was beside himself when he saw my sister and started howling at her with is head pointing at the ceiling. That was a real welcome! He is a kind dog that way. He does have his favorite people.

The Exfactor is coming on Wednesday afternoon to take all the boxes out of the workroom and hopefully he will take the bed at the same time too. If my new bed is not here, I will sleep on the sofa. It will give me a chance to clean up the bedroom really well. There must be several inches of dust under the bed that are hard to get too. Oh, I see why I need this lazy day now. It is to gather my strength for the week to come.

Yes, well, I just wanted it to be lazy. Just for the heck of it. I didn’t want it to have a purpose.

A day will come, real soon, when I least expect it, when I will be struck by the window wash genie. I can feel it coming, but it’s not quite there yet. I did buy a new bottle of Glassex the other day, maybe that is a coming sign of it. First the spit and polish and then the Glassex.

Well, now I am very droopily going to make me another mug of coffee and try to figure out a way to download some music, there must be a way to do it, bugger!

Have a very good day, droopy or not lazy or active, with or without naps.

Ciao…

Read Full Post »

Satisfying Saturday.

Why am I going to have a satisfying Saturday, for goodness sake? That’s because my husband’s other woman has to work today and he is not going out on his afternoon off, but is going to be spending it with me instead. Well, I hear you all saying, that’s kind of like coming in second, isn’t it? Well. yes you are right, but by coming in second, I do get a relaxing weekend without the stress that a weekend normally brings with it and I can show my husband that a fun Saturday afternoon can be had with me also.

We are going to do part of the Art Route that is laid out throughout the downtown area in different historical buildings. Different sorts of artists have mini exhibitions in all sorts of locations and the artists come from all sorts of disciplines. So you have painters and film makers and graphic artists and sound artists and sculptors. It’s always very interesting, if sometimes not very weird, and the locations add to the interest and sometimes to the weirdness. Like the sound artist in the old cellar last year who also used light effects. We are starting our part of the route in the film house and are ending it there too. We are going to see two short films that are run in a loop by a Brazilian film maker. Apparently one of them is of an industrial chimney spewing smoke with Latin chanting accompanying it. Should be very interesting.

I am just glad that I don’t have to sit here with my nerves tied up in a knot in my stomach and that I can have a relaxing weekend for a change. You just don’t know what a difference that makes, or maybe you do and you are tired of my nerve wrecked missiles that I spew out every weekend. Like that chimney spewing smoke.

Actually, first I have to stay home and wait for a package to arrive containing some clothes I ordered on line yesterday. I was suddenly hit by the “I absolutely have to have it bug,” and couldn’t contain myself. I actually had to empty my virtual shopping basket of some items when the total added up to too much. I must go into my closet this morning and discard some things that I don’t wear anymore to make room for the new items. Yes, I am a woman all over the place and I do like pretty things, I can’t deny it. It gets worse as I get older, but that seems to run in the family. The vanity of it all!

My mother owned lots of pretty dresses and she looked like Hyacinth from “Keeping up Appearances.” My grandmother, who was Dutch Reformed, was even a vain woman and was always dressed to the nines and wore a fur coat and hat in the winter time. My mother always thought that she ought to own one too, but she spent her money on airfare to come and visit me once a year when I lived in the States, and she could have bought many fur coats with it.

Anyway, I was discussing clothes. The older I get, the more I like them and the more feminine I become. I fiddle with my make up and my hair in the morning and spritz on my perfume and make a big deal out of what I am going to wear, even when I am only going out to walk the dog. My SPN thinks these are all very good signs of good mental health. I like the color black, but I like it accentuated with bright colors and I do like tunics and dresses in bold colored patterns. I like to be a surprise when I walk in.

I like perfumes and usually own two or three different kinds, but I am now down to one bottle and some samples. That’s pretty meager and I hope the situation changes soon. I can actually swoon over a new bottle of perfume. My mother always wore Chanel no 5, and I have worn it too, and I think I might like to give that one a try again in the future. I am now wearing something by Calvin Klein that’s is light and fruity, but it doesn’t quite satisfy my nose. I doesn’t stay on my clothes that well and I do like that about perfumes, when the scent stays on your clothes and you pull on a sweater and the perfume still lingers there. I used to wear Oscar de la Rente, but I can’t get it here, it’s not available in the shops and I haven’t found it on line yet.

Oh, this talk about clothes and perfumes, if life were only that uncomplicated always. It would be more than fine with me if it was. I long for simpleness like that. I could spend my energy on such different things if I didn’t waste it fretting and stressing.

Yesterday was nap time day. I napped in the morning and I napped in the afternoon. It was lovely and much needed. I do love to fall asleep during the day and wake up in a stupor and have to pull myself together over a mug of coffee and a cigarette. I try not to pretend that I am all cheerful, as I have a tendency to do, and just sit there and be a grump for half an hour. I don’t bite any body’s head off. I just need to recompose my bits and pieces.

I vacuumed yesterday for the first time in a long time and it was a great success. I did not get a backache and the living room looks spotless, as I also vacuumed the sofa and the chairs. It was wonderful to do the job without pain and to be able to bend and twist and turn. I ran into cat barf twice. Once under the dining table and once by the corner of the sofa and had to get down on my knees to remove and scrub that. Much grass was eaten. Those cats do have some nasty habits and I think I know who the culprit is. I suspect Gandhi, as she is the real barfer in the family and she always does a real big load. No half measures with her. Jeez, the subject already!

The weather was warm and muggy and we are supposed to get rain starting this evening. That’s okay, because we’ve had some dry times and the gardens can use some rain. Our three little trees have come back real well and now have big bright crowns of leaves and two of them are taller than I am. The littlest tree is doing well and will grow a lot this summer and be tall by the end of it. I am so happy that they survived the winter and a month or so ago, they didn’t look as if they had made it. We had almost cut them down. Oops! Mother Nature is an amazing entity and never ceases to surprise.

Jesker’s growth on his paw is only getting bigger and after he has been to the dog groomer next week, we will take him to the vet again and see what is to be done about it. He needs to be trimmed and bathed first as it is high time and if he needs surgery, it is going to be a while before we can get it done. The spray that we put on his paw does not deter him from licking it, as a matter of fact, I think he just waits for it to dry up and then he licks it again, secretly.

There are birds chirping like crazy outside and John Mora would know what they are, but they all sound foreign to me who is used to Californian birds. I am most familiar with the mockingbird as we had one of them live in our olive tree in our garden in So.Cal and very often it sang at night when we tried to go to sleep. It really did sound like it was mocking us. Maybe this was a confused bird and it was not supposed to sing at night. Wikipedia does not tell me much about it.

Well, alright, it is time for some art. Let’s see what I can do about that. Try to do something really different.

It’s almost 6 o’clock and Jesker is sitting here being impatient, no doubt wanting his medicines and wanting to go for his walk. He is trying his best not to seem pushy, but he is looking at me with mournful eyes and I can’t ignore those.

So, I will say goodbye to you and wish you a very good day, as I am planning on having one of those myself with dear husband in my new outfit. I hope all that art does not confuse me and that I will still be able to think straight when I get home.

Ciao la miei buoni gente e migliori amici.

Read Full Post »

Satisfying but Silly Saturday!

Starry Night

Friday afternoon, 5:30 PM. Well, I have managed to piddle away a whole other day doing all sorts of things and nothing important at all really. In the morning at 7 AM, I lost my Internet connection and was like Captain Hook without his hook. The help desk didn’t open until 8 AM, so I actually had to amuse myself for an entire hour. I did this by trying to fix the problem myself by removing and reattaching several wires, but that didn’t help.

At 8 AM, the man at the help desk started telling me a complicated story about which wires to disconnect and I told him to hold on a minute while I gave him my husband to talk to who is much more technically gifted than I am. They had a bit of a conversation and wires were disconnected and reconnected and after a while, I had Internet again and that was the most important thing of all. Thank goodness for technically savvy husbands!

What I did after that is sort of vague to me. I was supposed to have gone back to bed, but I never did make it there. I did all sorts of other things behind the computer, but I don’t rightly know what they all were anymore, so I claim partial amnesia.

I did pick out a new template, which is the stretch denim, it being a wider template than the other, but then I spent a long time trying to get it to look as much as possible like the old one. Only the banner changed, as you can see, as I have misplaced the large size of the tulip photograph, so have added the metamorphic one instead. Blowing my own horn a bit here too, no doubt.

I have changed the images on my slide show and first had them in the middle of the page, but then didn’t like that and moved them back to the sidebar. At first I couldn’t figure out how to get rid of the ones in the middle of the page, but it turned out that you just delete them as you would any old post. Now I have to figure out how to add images to the slide show without going through all sorts of hassle.

Charley Toorop

I was busy like this until Eduard came home and he saw the condition I was in and the apartment and he said that maybe I was spending too much time behind the computer, which I weakly protested, since it is only the last few days that I am so preoccupied and obsessed at the cost of everything else. He does have a point though, but I am not ready to change my manners just yet. I need to be a little obsessed a little while longer.

He did have a surprise for me. A new mobile phone, one that closes so you don’t have to deactivate the keyboard every time you stick it in your pocket and it comes with its own built in tunes. I am learning how to use it as the instructions are in German and English, but one of the languages on the phone is Dutch. See how continental we are? Now I want people to call me, so I can hear the tune I picked out. I’ll call myself in a little while.

Finally, after all that excitement, Eduard and I went to bed for our afternoon nap and I slept at least two hours and it was wonderful. I am sure it was very boring for Eduard, but it can’t be helped. It is therapeutic, after all! We did have a huggable time beforehand.

Now Eduard is cooking paella and the whole apartment smells good. He is making it with shrimp and chicken and I am sure that it will be delicious. I won’t be able to eat the chicken, though. I’ll have to eat around it. Jekser is eyeballing the shrimp, because he loves them. He would eat the whole pound of them if we let him, so we gave him some extra kibbles instead, that is much healthier for him.

Monet 1

Oh yes, I have been doing a lot of experimenting with the metamorphics and I am becoming quite contend with them. I am catching on to the possibilities and how to use them. Slowly by slowly, as Irene always goes.

I have to tell you people, there is a lot of difference if I have enough sleep and take my medicines on time. Whenever I become unreasonable and very down, I have done one of these things not right and I quickly need to remedy the situation. The problem is the point to which I am reasonable enough to realize that. Therefor the sign on the coffee table.

Okay, that’s enough for now. I’ll catch up with you guys later in the night or in the early morning. I am still in my bathrobe. Isn’t that scandalous?

Saturday some time in the night, way too early to call it morning.

Peacock

Sometimes you have to break up your own train of thought with an image, but will it work? (This will not make any sense to you, because before this I had a bit of a rant about something and Blogger will not let me put it in no matter what I tried, so we’ll just forget about that and consider it left unthought and unwritten. The god of the Bloggers didn’t want it out there apparently.)

No, it didn’t, so I very leisurely smoked a cigarette and drank my mug of Senseo and that calmed me down a bit. Pretty soon the oxazepam will start to work and I will be doing a lot better. I will no longer rage like a storm in a glass of water. All confined and unable to get out. Now I must eat soemthing. Hhhmmm…yogurt, because there are no cookies.

That tasted good!

Today is Saturday, so Eduard gets to spend the afternoon on his own however he pleases. It’s his time out from all the responsibilities that rest on his shoulders the rest of the week. It’s his mental health afternoon. He doesn’t have to tell me where he is going or where he has been as long as he is home by 6 PM. His psychiatrist thought that this was very important for him, but I had already agreed to such an arrangement and we have the particulars drawn up in a contract that we both agreed on. That way everything is clear to the both of us and there will be no misunderstandings. Eduard needs to feel that he has this small amount of freedom without care for anybody, including me. I need to feel some amount of control by having drawn up the contract.

I can do all of this, as long as I keep on an even keel and my moods don’t start fluctuating wildly, so it is important that I take care of myself well. I m
ust sleep on time and take my medication on time and extra if I need it. I have to be my own best monitor, nobody else will feel as well as I how I am doing, well, with the exception of Frances maybe! She has the uncanny ability to pick up on my moods very quickly.

Here is one last image, a portrait of myself made unrecognizable.

Have yourself a satisfying but silly Saturday with sumptuous weather and now snow flurries!

Ciao…

Read Full Post »

Terrace Chairs Images number 3.

Yesterday morning, after I shut off the computer, I felt like someone had pin pricked me and I slowly deflated. When Eduard’s alarm clock went off, I brought him a cup of coffee and asked him to do the groceries that day. He asked me, “Why, don’t you feel good? and I said, “Yes, I feel fine, I just don’t want to be associated with that woman for awhile, her of the make up and the nail polish and the over assertive attitude.” Eduard said, “Ah, you want some time to contemplate,” and I said, “Yes, that is it, that’s what I want. I want to take a little time out and take stock.”

After Eduard left to go to work, I cleaned up the kitchen, but then laid down on the sofa where I fell into a deep sleep, only to be woken up one hour later by the telephone. It was my sister who wanted to know if I wanted to go and take the dogs for a walk around the pond. After much hesitation, I said no, I didn’t and she said, “Well, you sure took your time making up your mind.” After I hung up and wanting to go back to sleep, the phone rang again and it was my friend Lucien and I tried to explain to her that I had been depressed, but that I felt a lot better now, but while I said that, I didn’t quite believe it myself.

Before I could hang up. Eduard came home, bringing with him some cold fresh air and a cheerful attitude, and the groceries, of course. I hung up the phone and greeted Eduard by kissing him on his cold lips and then reached for the phone again and dialed my psychiatrist’s mobile number. I got his voice mail and left a message. Eduard took one look at me and said, “You are not doing well, are you? I can tell by your voice. It is flat and without animation.” I said, “I think we need to seriously address this sleeping problem that I have. I think it is screwing up my moods and I just can’t go on functioning on these little amounts of sleep anymore.”

I waited for three hours for my psychiatrist to call me back and then called him again. I figured I had been patient enough. This time he answered the phone right away and we discussed the sleeping problem and how it was probably affecting my moods. He suggested taking 50 mg of Ocazepam along with the 30 mg of Temazepam before I went to sleep at night and to postpone going to sleep as late as I possibly could. I said, “That’s it? That’s all you can do?” He said, “What did you expect?” and I said, “Maybe a magic pill that would knock me out cold and make me sleep throughout the night.” He laughed and said no, he wasn’t going to prescribe anything like that.

So, I tried to stay up as long as I could last night, but that wasn’t past eight o’clock and I kept drifting off on the sofa. I took all my medications and went to bed and very optimistically thought I would sleep until four o’clock this morning. Well, no such luck. I woke up at midnight and was wide awake again and got up. I am having one cup of regular coffee now and after that I am drinking decaf. My mood is fine during the night, it just caves in in the morning and doesn’t improve much during the day. I think it is because I am just too tired and worn out and that this schedule is killing me. It is a bad thing to be on a screwed up schedule when you are manic-depressive. It messes with your moods and tips the balance one way or the other. Well, I am sure it would do that for anybody.

So, I had such a non productive day yesterday, I was rendered immobilized by my mood. I could have done a number of things, but didn’t. I didn’t vacuum and I didn’t do the laundry. And I didn’t go grocery shopping…

Now I am going to lie down on the sofa to see if I’ll sleep some more.

Well, it is now 4:30 am and I just woke up, so I guess that trick with the Oxazepam is working after all, nor perfectly yet, but there is promise is in it. I bet after a couple of nights of this I will get it right. Yippee!

I really have simplified my make up. No more eyeshadow and eyebrow pencil and foundation and no more nail polish, Just a bit of eye liner pencil and mascara and that is it. I suddenly felt the need for that fresh washed look and didn’t want all that make up on my face anymore. I associate it with that other Irene. The one who was hypo manic and a control freak and uptight and stressed out. Now I am going for bare and simple and that is also an attitude that reflects my stand in life right now. Bare and simple. Down to the basics. Time for introspection and gathering of the troops.

After having been hypo manic and depressed I need to figure out who I am now, just the basic Irene with out all the drama of the moods. So I need to be quiet for a while and think things over. That doesn’t mean I am not going to write in this blog, au contraire, it will be very helpful to write my thoughts down here.

Sometimes you need to be alone with yourself and have a lot of thoughts all by yourself and come to some sort of conclusion about who you really are now. You need to strip yourself of all the superfluous things and get down to the basic core and examine that. Then you need to form a picture of yourself of who that person really is and imprint it in your memory and proceed from there. I suppose people do that when they take a sabbatical. I am taking a mini sabbatical, it won’t last long, I don’t have the luxury of taking all that time off, because I am here in my real life having to function in it to some extend. But Eduard is willing to give me lots of time out. He’ll take over some of my functions while I sit and figure things out.

More than anything, I need to relax and not be so stressed out and uptight about things. That is lesson number one. To just breathe easily and slowly and let things come as they may. Then I need to insulate myself against what I perceive to be the stress elements in life and experience them differently. Avoid a lot of them and handle those I can’t avoid differently. It is all an effort to find the balance in my life between the extreme of moods. I need to give the Irene between moods a chance to develop and thrive. Maybe that will bring me back closer to the original Irene I once was.

Well, such introspection so early in the morning. I tell you, the mornings are my time to contemplate things.

It’s been raining here, which is nice to some extend, because suddenly it is not as cold anymore. At least the rain is not turning into snow. It’s a bit of a pain to take the dog out in this kind of weather, but is must be done. It’s very cozy inside to hear the rain splatter down in the street. Eduard wears all of his rain gear when h
e goes to work. It’s easy to be poetic about the rain when you don’t have to ride your bike in it, but then again, these aren’t April showers.

I have to find you some images. Let me go have a look what it will be today. Something colorful, I think…Oh yes, these are the terrace chairs beside the Café Monopole where we had our cappuchinos. It wasn’t nearly as cozy there, but it was colorful. The person in the blue jacket added an interesting accent of color to the whole thing.

Now I must go and read some other blogs and say goodbye to you all. Parting is such sweet sorrow…

Have a great day, people, ciao…

Read Full Post »

Blue Flower Images number 4.

This morning I weigh almost a kilo less than I did yesterday, but still 5 ounces more than I did the day before. Isn’t that strange? It is one of those mysteries of the body that I will never understand. I weigh 89.9 kilos and I don’t know why, when I eat so little, but I suppose I should be happy, because at least I am below 90 kilos again. I must stay below 90 kilos, that’s sort of a psychological and physical limit for me.

Yesterday was an alright day. I had to wait for the black sweater to arrive that I had ordered on line. It got here at 2 pm and the woman who delivered it put it in the mailbox. Luckily, I saw her drive by and checked the mailbox or I would have been sitting there forever waiting for her to ring the doorbell and hand me the package. The sweater fits and looks really nice, so that was a good buy.

Then I shortened the tunic that was too long. I had to do it by hand, but it was an fairly easy job and I was done in an hour. It had been long to my knees and I always felt like I was wearing a monks habit when I wore it. Shorter it looks ever so much better and perkier.

Yesterday morning, after I walked the dog and before I did anything else, I took a long nap on the sofa. I guess that was just what I needed, because when I woke up I felt really good and to celebrate I had several cups of coffee to really wake up well with. Getting up early is nice, but sometimes I find out that I still need some more sleep and than it is very tempting to lay down on the sofa and sleep a little bit more.

Eduard sold a gold ring and a hanger for me yesterday and with the proceeds I am going to buy a necklace today. This is the last of the jewelry that I am going to be selling. I have some silver jewelry left now that I can’t wear because I am allergic to it, but I know that I can’t sell it and make any money on it. I am looking forward to going into town this morning to get the necklace. I will stop by Eduard’s work and have some capuchinos with him and some of those cookies that I like so much.

As you can see, I don’t have really anything important to write about. Everything here has settled down to a dull roar and I like that just fine. I am rating myself with sixes and sevens and that is fine with me. It is so much easier to be a six than it is to be an eight. It is less complicated.

Well, that is it for today then. Have yourself a wonderful day. I am planning on having a really nice one myself. If you are just about to go to bed, have a good sleep and sweet dreams. Ciao…

Read Full Post »

Appel 1 Images number 1.

Much to my surprise, a Nice Matters Award has been bestowed on me by Rotten Correspondent of Confessions of a Rotten Correspondent for reasons that are only a little bit clear to me, but apparently have to do with being nice and kind, having a good blog and leaving good comments. Oh well, it makes me blush to think about it. I am very proud of it, as I have never gotten an award in the blogging world before.

As a courtesy I am to pass this award on to three people whom I think are especially deserving of it and I don’t have to think long about who those people are. They are Frances from Carpet Full of Holes, Bobbie from Great Grannie Blog and Rima from MaraZine. These women have not only very interesting blogs, but are especially supportive in their comments and are always ready to help out if the need arises, so a big applause to them. They, in turn can pass on the award to someone they find deserves it. I have downloaded the picture of the award on my blog, but I see that it is a little squished, so you may want to download it from Rotten Correspondent to put on your own blog.

I have also be tagged by Laurie from Three Dog Blog for the name meme. That means I have to come up with traits that start with the first letters that make up my first name, Irene. So, I will have to think long and hard about this and think of some really good traits and if I can’t think of any good ones, I will write down the lesser ones instead.

So here we go:

1. I – Important, because I always think that what I have to say is of importance, as if I hold the key to all things wise and I always feel that I have to put my two cents worth in.
2. R – Rational, because I would hate to think of myself as being the opposite, irrational, because that is a big fear I have, to be thought of as an irrational person.
3. E – Empathic, in that I feel that I will always try to understand the feelings and attitudes of another human being.
4. N – No Nonsense, that means just that. Don’t fool around with me, tell me the story straight and no bull****.
5. E – Embarrassed, for having confessed all of the above and making myself sound so important, which brings me back to the first letter.

I, in turn, tag the three ladies that I have also given the Nice Matters Award to, So Frances, Bobbie and Rima, it is your turn now. If you don’t want to do your first name, it is alright to do your middle name as well. If Frances has a shorter middle name, that may be advantageous to her, for instance. Remember to pass on the meme to some other people as well.

Well, what a busy and exciting way to start the morning. I have barely had my second cup of coffee and already I am carrying out quite difficult instructions for such a sleepy headed person. Luckily, I got enough sleep, so I felt quite refreshed when I woke up this morning at 5 am. I saw that I had eaten my crackers, but that I had not drank my milk, so it is back in the refrigerator with that glass until tonight when I’ll try it again. It is the kind of milk that doesn’t spoil, so don’t worry, I’ll not get food poisoning or something awful like that.

Yesterday was a humongous lazy day. I barely cleaned the apartment and didn’t feel bad for it at all. I should have vacuumed and the vacuum cleaner was calling me from its place in the broom closet, but I managed to ignore its pleading cries. I thought Eduard and I might have gone into town to hang out at the book store, but he had an extra training session for some of his volunteers and was gone for a good long time, because he also did the grocery shopping and the library pit stop. So, when he got home, all he wanted to do was watch the Formula One racing training, which was okay, because by that time I was sound asleep on the sofa and I didn’t even hear him come home.

These naps sort of attack me out of the blue, I start to watch a film and then only see the first ten minutes of it. I have been trying to watch the same film three times now and every time I fall asleep and I don’t think its the film’s fault. It’s just me not managing to keep my eyes open. I notice that the same things happens to Eduard when he sits in his comfortable chair. He starts to watch something interesting and suddenly he gets very quiet and I look over and see that he has fallen asleep. Hum, it must be middle age that causes it. Or it’s something in the water. Of course, we live in the south of the country and that means that we are like all southerners and we need to have our siestas. That’s probably it! Gee, I hadn’t thought of that before.

So, what did I do all day long? Well, I hung out behind the computer and read other people’s blogs and left comments, which I hoped were supportive and witty, whichever was needed. I finished organizing my images files and now have everything in very easy to access order and in separate files for different time periods, otherwise they become to big and I spend forever looking for an image. I threw away things that I thought were really crappy, I do have higher standards now than when I first started. I added another feature, but you’ve already noticed that and I like the off center image and the subsequent pattern I get from it.

So, I have some work to do there in changing the patterns in all the series of images. That will take me the better part of a day to do. But I don’t mind and I am such an organizer that it is almost obsessive and I have to watch myself for signs of social withdrawal and such. Glazed over eyes, open mouth, non comprehending look on face. These are all signs that I am about to go off to lala land and I may never return and become totally fixated on the order of things and having to do just one more thing and then all will be right with the world. Talk about having things under control! Jeez! Me thinks I do get a little crazy sometimes!

All kidding aside folks. I want to get this stuff organized before I have my next appointment with the temp agency, as I now have been officially informed by social services that I am in the program and they are going to spend their money on me to get me a training and the accompaniment that I need with getting a job. I am very glad that they see the potential in me in spite of my age and in
spite of my lack of education. I must have made a good enough impression on them and I am happy for that. So, pretty soon I will have less time to spend with leisure activities and I will really have to become more organized than I am now, when I can just take my time and be my own boss as to how I fill in that time.

I very much would like to keep my mornings the way they are now, but it may not be possible, because I do take a large chunk of time out writing this bog and reading other people’s blogs. Most likely, I will have to forgo that pleasure and just find time to get dressed and made up properly and have enough coffee and cigarettes to last me the rest of the day. And I do hope that there will be a smoking room or something wherever I end up.

I do so appreciate airports that have smoking lounges for their passengers who have just been on a long flight without a cigarette. You have no idea how nice it is to walk into a smoke filled space and light up after not having been able to smoke for eight hours. Your whole body screams for nicotine and it is wonderful to inhale. Some airports don’t have that facility and it is almost impossible to find your way outside, because of the size of them and all the security measures, like New York for instance, where I sat and waited for five hours without a cigarette between two long flights. It’s a shame that smoke bashing takes on the form of not even giving people the chance to light up after they have not been able to on a long flight, when they so very clearly need just that one cigarette to feel better. Have some compassion for the smokers who only want to pollute their own air, people, and who may be a bundle of nerves anyway after flying on a long international flight and having had to go through all the security measures and the indignities there off.

Another high horse I get onto. Smoke bashing seems to be such a sport, as it attacks not the behavior, but the character of the smoker and makes them feel as if they are evil people on par with big criminals. It is possible to love and like a smoker, after all.

Today is my nephew’s birthday and I am already looking forward to having a piece of very good fresh fruit vlaai with a very good cup of espresso. My sister always orders her vlaai at the Noblesse bakery and they do a terrific job. Her in laws are going to be there too and a nice time will be had, and hopefully my nephew will be happy with the card and the money we are giving him. Eduard has to leave early for a drinks party for all the employees at his work and I am not invited, nor are other spouses or girlfriends and other better halves. I don’t know what to think of that. I would seem like a perfect opportunity to do some very good team spirit building, but then again, maybe they don’t feel they need that. What is the value of a spouse anyway? What does he/she add to the company and to the employee? It would have been a nice goodwill gesture anyway.

I am not going to make any empty promises about what I will do today, but Eduard and I will change the sheets on the bed, that is a ritual we won’t forgo. Then it will be extra special to go to bed tonight, which it isn’t really now anyway. Oh bed, who can be bothered? I may do several loads of laundry and if the weather stays nice, I may dry them outside. I may or may not vacuum, I’ll see how bad things really are. I will clean up the kitchen, but that is something I will always do, unless I am so depressed that I am comatose. And I will walk the dog, because that is still a pleasure. It gets me out of the house and into the fresh air.

Okay people, time to get the show on the road, although there is not a living creature stirring here. Everything and everybody is asleep still. Nevertheless, I will get going. Sundays are always our ritual days and I do want to prepare myself properly for that.

Have a really great day, enjoy your morning cup of coffee, ciao…

Read Full Post »