Posts Tagged ‘husbands’

It seems that I am bound to sit here all night writing posts. I am doomed to post writing, so it is very important that I point you to the post below this one which you really should read before this one here.

First for a new paragraph of Six sentences go here:

Hanging up Laundry.

Accolades will be received with the kindest of feelings and be hugged to my body for warmth. But that is not the post I am talking about, that one is down below. Once you’ve read that one, you can come back here.

I have actually gone to sleep for awhile but I am up and about again, after I started to drift off to sleep behind the computer. I had enough sense to safe this little bit of text in spite of my sleepiness.

I just read all of your comments that I received on my other post. You people don’t mess around, do you, you tell it straight like it is and that’s the way I like to hear it. So keep those comments coming to that one and this one as well, of course, but I got super feedback on the other one. You are all so righteously indignant for me and I need that after getting a bit of a brainwash here. Getting a bullshit story! It’s good to have friends like you who set me straight. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I need to hear the straight story, people.

I made some art last night, but now I have to find it as I forgot which folder I put it in. Hold on…there it is, at the top of the page, but I have lost the original image. They were stacked vegetable and fruit boxes. You’ll have to take my word for it, then. Scout’s honor.

The husband is still laying in bed having hopeful dreams, no doubt, that last night was all bit of a nightmare. Well, it was a bit of a nightmare, but that doesn’t make it less true. We’ll see what he is planning to do about his date today, as he didn’t want to discuss it last night, being very weary and having had too much wine too drink. I bet he’ll get up all cheerful an happy and pretend that nothing is basically wrong, except that Irene had a conniption fit that lasted 6 hours. But then she does have tendency to be mentally unstable, you know! A good night’s sleep will cure that. and some pills taken at the right time. Right!

I said tohim last night, “You two are a real right pair, you know, you don’t care what happens to someone else as long as you can be together.” Eduard says that basically it is my choice to react the way I do and that with time I’ll get over it. I think I will go and take my medicines now before I get overexcited again.

Okay, done that.My psychiatrist did increase my mood stabilizer yesterday and we’ll see if it has any effect, I should be able to tell fairly quickly in both the ups and downs, but that does not make me a mad woman who can’t reason and know when something is not right and goes against my better nature.! For God’s sake, I have been lied to.

Here is a portrait of me using lomography. I have to look the meaning of that word up.

Lomography emphasizes casual, snapshot photography. Characteristics such as over-saturated colors, off-kilter exposure, blurring, “happy accidents,” and alternative film processing are often considered part of the “Lomographic Technique.” Users are encouraged to take a lighthearted approach to their photography, and use these techniques to document everyday life, as the Lomo LC-A’s small size, simple controls, and ability to shoot in low light encourages candid photography, photo reportage, and photo vérité.

Well, you grow a little wiser every day, another word added to my vocabulary, although I think Lisa Sarsfield used it recently too on her photo page, which I have lost the link too.

I am so ready to get properly dressed now and to take on any battle I need to take on, although I know I’ve got all morning. I feel so damn righteous and he will make me feel like a child that always wants to get her way. Because he has been so good to me all these years. Talk about laying on the guilt!

Ciao, I must go powder my nose and put on my warpaint.


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Sweet Beverley of Eleanor’s Blog saw it fit to reward me with the Intellectually Stimulating Blog Award of which I am very proud and for which I am very thankful. This proves my point that you can be a teacher for anyone out there and that everybody has a message to share. I have added the award to my other awards on the side of my blog and it is becoming quite a collection. Now I have to think off who to pass the award to myself, but I will have to mull that one over in my mind for a bit, although some people do come to mind right away. Although I think they may have already gotten it, so I have to come up with someone new. That’s why I need to think about this for a bit. Thank you, Beverley!

Some time last night I fell asleep on the sofa while Eduard was still at work. I vaguely heard him come home and the next thing I knew it was 1 am and I was still laying on the sofa but this time under the yellow blanket that Eduard had placed over me. I got up to take my medicines and to make myself a cup of decaf Senseo and smoke a cigarette. Then I laid back down, pulled the yellow blanket over me and slept until 7 am this morning. Wasn’t that nice? Maybe I am caught up on my sleep now and maybe I am back on a normal schedule now. At least, what counts as normal for me.

Yesterday was such an odd day, I felt half asleep for most of the day and I felt like I wasn’t really in the proper frame of mind to do anything of importance. Looking back, I can hardly remember how I got through the day. I had a feeling of jet lag mostly, which isn’t so strange when you consider I had been up two nights in a row. Or most of those nights anyway.

The good thing about getting a near normal night’s sleep is that I dream a lot too and I have to tell you that I dream about my son constantly. Whatever dream I am having, Brion is in it in some capacity. He either has the starring role or is just present in it. He is always there in the peripheries, if not in the middle of things. It makes my dreams extra special, even when they are very confusing and frustrating and sometimes even scary. Sometimes my dreams are just great big adventures and Brion tags along, watching what I do.

Last night we were on some Southern Pacific Islands, staying with people who lived very primitively and they caught their fish by diving off their canoes. There were two tribes whose only difference was in the way they worshiped the God who lived in the clams that grew on the side of the boats. Their interpretation was different, but they could tell each other apart from miles away. When they met each other, they all dove into the water to check each other’s clams.

They never had warfare, they just avoided each other as much as possible and they avoided contact with all strangers, yet we managed to communicate with them somehow. There was a witch doctor who could make people’s bones move inside their bodies and for good luck he wore dice in his ears that were very primitively carved. The children dove in the water as if they had always lived in it and they swam quickly and easily and the water was very clear. They pulled themselves up out off the water and into the boats quite easily.

Now, what can the significance of this dream be? Brion and I were there as observers and we were not considered any sort of a threat to these people. They acted as if we belonged there, or as if Brion belonged there and I was his much esteemed visitor. Brion has been dead for three years and if he is reincarnated as a villager in the South Pacific, he is too young to be diving off boats. Isn’t he? I will never know. The only clues I will ever have about Brion’s whereabouts are my dreams about him. And I hope that I will have many, many more. I do know one thing, they often seem to have to do with primitive people, as if Brion is gone from today’s modern world, and knowing Brion’s nature, that is not such a strange thing.

I got a rather upsetting phone call yesterday. A gentleman called from the bank where we thought we were getting our personal loan and told me that the loan had been disapproved. I was stunned, because we had signed all the paperwork and I thought the deal was done, but he said that they decided not to go through with it for reasons that I now can’t remember, because I was so upset when he told me it wasn’t going through. So, we are now back to square one. We are now going to make an appointment with Eduard’s personal bank and see if we can arrange something with them. This other bank specializes in giving short term loans and was not our regular bank, but we thought it would be easier to get a loan there. It sort of ruined the afternoon for me, when I thought the solution was already at hand and I don’t understand the reason why we were turned down. They sure gave us a lot of false hope.

Eduard is going to contact his bank today and make an appointment and we will see what happens. They must see for themselves how advantageous a personal loan is to us and to them. We cut our costs and they get our business. Let’s all hope for a good outcome, or let’s all hope for me to get a decently paid job quickly. It was rather upsetting and I was very uncomfortable for the rest of the day and I realized how much something like that could bother me and upset me and how dependent I am on things turning out okay and that I don’t handle adverse events very well at all. I am too fragile when it comes to things like this. At the same time, the next day I am ready to do battle again and I will try and win the cause all over again. So, I do have some rebound, if not immediately.

My daughter called yesterday to tell me that she will be coming to Europe with her boyfriend for the winter holidays. I have been keeping silent about the boyfriend, because I don’t want to jinx things, but he sounds like a keeper and so far, so good. They have known each other for 5 months now and that seems like a long enough time to get to know each other really well. They had a lot of chance to spend quality time together this summer when my grandson was staying in Germany with his paternal grandparents and that really cemented the relationship. I don’t want to say too much about it yet, because it is all so new and in its developing stages and I don’t want to put any pressure on anybody to get really serious. 5 Months sounds like a long time, but in terms of relationships it isn’t, of course, it is just a beginning. But I must say, that I am looking forward to the holidays now very much and I hope, sure as heck, that I am not in one of my famous dips then as I have been known to be at t
hat time of the year. I must be cheerful, I must be able to be smiling and be upbeat. See, I’m not putting any pressure on myself at all!

The laundry I had drying outside, got soaked wet from the rain that we had overnight. I hung it all up to dry in the bathroom and I have another load waiting in the washing machine. Then I will be ironing again. And I must still vacuum. The vacuum cleaner is now making desperate noises from its place in the closet, it wants to be let out badly, but I am finding it very difficult to let it out. Well, it is not letting it out that is hard, it is turning it on and moving it around the apartment that is the hard part. Its the noise that is going to bother me, that and the fact that I am always bumping it into the furniture and that I scare the cats with it and that they all go into hiding. I find it all very frustrating and I don’t do frustrating very well right now at all. I think I need to double up on my Oxazepam and then vacuum, maybe that would work. If only there were a frustration pill one could take. Well, I suppose that is what Oxazepam really is, an anti anxiety pill.

That’s one of my warning signs that things aren’t going so well with me; the level of my anxiety changes. Normally I am a very mellow laid back person. What you would call a typical Californian, dude. But then that time of year comes and my anxiety levels go up and I tend to freak out over little things that would not have bothered me before. I feel many frustrations then also. I become an anxious, frustrated woman. I become short tempered and short fused and less kind than I really am. I can’t blame the circumstances, the change lies completely with me. It is my own reaction to things that changes. The world stays the same, I change. I try not to take that out on poor Eduard, that’s why the Oxazepam is so important. I might otherwise turn into a real bitch and become unbearable to live with. I would often be unkind and short tempered and blame him for whatever wasn’t going right and that just isn’t right at all. You can’t do that to another person. So, it is better for me and the world around me if I take the pills and mellow out. All of our nerves are helped by it.

Eduard has been taking Sarotex for several moths now. They are the anti depressants that are supposed to help him stop smoking. He hasn’t stopped yet, but he has cut way back and I think that he is just about ready to quit completely. It has been interesting to see a non depressive person take anti depressants. At first I didn’t notice any changes in him, but lately I notice that he is a lot more mellow. Don’t get me wrong, he is always a cheerful character, but he did have the tendency to have a short fuse when it came to watching the news and listening to dumb politicians and reading the paper without becoming very upset. He seems to do a lot less of that now. He is a lot calmer and much more even tempered, so I jokingly said to him that he should stay on the medication, even if he did not stop smoking. I was only half joking. I asked him if he noticed any differences and he did say that things at work seemed a lot easier to deal with. That he felt very much less frustrated with other people and was able to walk away from a frustrating situation more easily. So, maybe…

Well, in the meantime it is well past the time to walk the very patient dog. So, I must go and do that now. I am amazed by his bladder control in the morning and then when I take him out, he very sparingly pees on each bush, so it isn’t as if he goes with a great deal of relief. The cats are impatient for their food, however, and let me know that by staring at me intently.

So, have a great day, everybody, Here’s to me having a normal day after a normal night’s sleep and here’s to all of you having a normal day also. Ciao…

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Well, I am suitably in the right mood to write something halfway sensible down now. It is rather late and I have been reading other people’s blogs and trying to leave witty comments and become inspired by their muses. Speaking of muses, Neda had an interesting post about them here.

I got up rather late this morning, it was six am, can you believe it? I slept from nine pm until that time this morning and I only got up once in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I just don’t know what is wrong with me. As a result, I am running behind in everything, even in the amounts of coffee I have had to drink, so I am quickly trying to catch up by fixing myself lots of cups of Senseo, which I was going to save and drink only for special occasions, like that first cup in the morning, but which I am now drinking more often than not, because I am hooked on the taste of it. Besides, I drink it because I’m worth it. I don’t know how many of you will agree with this statement, but I am completely convinced of it.

I think there are times in my life when I am self indulgent in the little things. I don’t need great big expensive things that cost huge amounts of money, but I like little treats like a good perfume to wear or a good cheese to snack on or a good cup of coffee. It’s these little things that make the day seem special and worth while. I like it especially when Eduard is the person who indulges me with them. When he is the person who comes home with the treats. It makes me feel loved and appreciated, although I never feel that I have to do anything special to deserve them. I get them for just being me and nothing more than that. Sort of for being the spoiled queen around here and Eduard is my well armored knight who goes out in the world to slay dragons and brings back trophies. I do like the way that works. Eduard would be my Saxon knight and I would be his lady in the ancient moated castle.

I suppose we may have been these people in a former life and I would like to think that Eduard and I knew each other in that capacity in the middle ages. Both of us in warm cloaks riding our trusty steeds across the moors on foggy winter mornings. Making love in an apple orchard surrounded by curious cows and buzzing bees on a summer’s day in June. Oh no, that really did happen. I am confusing my lives and my memories. I do like to think that I have always known Eduard and that I am always going to know him. All the way into eternity. He is my complementary soul.

I had an odd dream last night. I dreamed that I was with Brion and that we were staying at a big motel and that David showed up there looking for me. In my dream, I didn’t want to see him and I wanted to hide from him, so Brion and I walked to the inner part of the motel, which was like a labyrinth, until we came to a large room in which we could see all the constellations on the high ceiling. There we hid behind the furniture while David searched for us, but didn’t find us. Brion was very young and healthy and powerful and not scared of anything. I felt very safe with him. David traveled in a large car with his ex wife, whom he is living with now. He told her many lies about me and wanted to prove to her that I was as crazy as he had told her I was, but then couldn’t. He had told her the lies to cover up his own craziness, so she would stay with him and never leave him, which is what he wanted all along. I was just a pawn in that game. In my dream, I felt a real fear for him and absolutely did not want him to find me. That is the unconscious speaking, of course. It is probably close to the truth. I wonder about the constellations and if they represented the heavens where Brion is now. So much symbolism and I have to pay attention to it.

I like dreaming about Brion. I always feel very close to him when I do, as if he is very real to me and I can touch him and feel what that is like. I can feel his skin and the solidness of it. And see his beauty and he was a beautiful man. I am glad he goes on living inside of me.

Yesterday, I took two long naps on the sofa, In the morning I started watching An American Haunting, which was supposed to be a pretty scary movie, but I fell asleep after the first ten minutes and I didn’t wake up until after it was well finished and a completely different movie was playing. In the evening, after Eduard went to work, I fell asleep again and didn’t wake up until it was time to go to bed. So I just take my medicines and get the Melba Toast and a glass of milk and off I go to the bedroom, where I barely have time to eat the toast and drink the milk before I am sound asleep again. I seem to do a lot of sleeping, which must come with hibernation. I am not that physically active, yet I am feeling tired and sleepy all the time and I want to cuddle up all over the place.

On Friday, when it is my birthday, I have an appointment with the temp agency about the job/training program and I do want to be extra perky then. I wish I was more of a talker and I could sell myself better and I think I will bring the test results of my original tests that I did for the CWI. They say a lot about my abilities. I will have to dress nicely and look like a dynamic sort of person in spite of my age. Some well applied make up will help and some nice jewelry will also help a bit. Luckily, my hair has grown out a bit and I no longer look like a middle aged version of Sinnead O’Connor.

I can’t believe I am turning 53, but it doesn’t seem like such an awfully old age. It does sound very mature and it makes me feel like I have finally arrived at that age when I will be taken seriously. In my mind, I am still in my thirties and I suppose I will always stay there. I figure I have thirty good years left in me at least, and that is a long time to be alive and do all sorts of things yet. Life isn’t nearly over yet. God only knows what it holds in store for me yet, what is around the corner and what challenges I face still. As long as I get to have Eduard by my side, I am willing to face up to a lot.

Mostly I hope for sort of a dull roar with the occasional burst of excitement. It doesn’t have to be anything earth shattering. I think this blogging world is quite exciting and making the mandalas is and winning the poetry contest is (see below). Getting a job will add a lot of fun to the equation, not to speak of the financial reward. I certainly enjoy making these new virtual friends. It is just as good as making real life friends, if not better.

Well, I suppose I better get the day started now by cleaning up the kitchen and dragging out the vacuum cleaner. There are some drifts of dog hair again and the sofa needs to be vacuumed. Oh joy! My Oxazepam makes me feel so good, that I almost don’t want to interrupt my good mood with doing those mundane things. Well, I look at it this way, as long as by Friday the apartment i
s clean, then all will be well with the world. I will have done my duty.

Have a terrific day, people. Hope you get sunshine where you need it and rain where you need that. Ciao…

P.S. I had claimed in an earlier post that Eduard is 57. He is not, he is 56 and three and a half years older than I am. When we were dating as teenagers, this was not really a problem, as Eduard was a bit of a late bloomer, but he was an incredibly sweet young man who never took advantage of the fact that he was older than I was. We were both very much of the romantic kind and liked classical music and long walks in the woods and summer afternoons in the fields. We drank rosé and had philosophical discussions. As far as I was capable of having those with my young mind anyway. At the time, we were too young to appreciate each other’s uniqueness, but it is much better now that we have lived a lot and bring all of that experience to the relationship.

We have developed separate from each other, but have both developed a healthy dose of deadly humor and just the right amount of cynicism. We both turned out to be good people and Eduard was just as I had left him, a very decent and sweet human being, albeit a little disappointed with life. Hopefully he has gotten over that by now, as I have.

P.P.S. I have discovered another blog. It is called Wife in the North and you can find it here. She is quite funny and very English.

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With the generous help of Rima, I was able to transform my blog into something more personal. I picked the Minima template from Blogger and then added a picture of a mandala to the header. Rima explained to me how to do this. So you see how even a person as inexperienced as I can do such a thing. Once you’ve done it, you think, “Well, that wasn’t so difficult! I should have done that months ago!” Of course, months ago I didn’t know Rima. She is always the first one to come up with good suggestions and the person to help you out with something that you are trying to do. So, three cheers for Rima.

I weighed myself this morning and I weigh 92.4 kilos, in spite of the fact that I had a peanut butter sandwich, which made me feel very full and uncomfortable, but was worth every bite. Sometimes you just have to have something as finger licking good as that, when you are just drooling at the idea of it. And I know that I am not allergic to peanuts, but I do have a very weepy and itchy ear and I then have to assume that this is still the effect of the corn in the little potato salads that I eat every day. I refuse to take out the corn, because it tastes so good and there is so little of it and I don’t have the self discipline. I am very self indulgent. As a matter of fact, I wish I had one of those little potato salads now and I would eat it right away.

I got a new prescription for the Oxazepam from my psychiatrist and he has no problem with me using it for now at all, which I think is very generous of him and which also shows that he trusts me when it comes to my medications. He does know that I ask for something only when I need it, be it something extra like this or an increase in a dosage of something. He never gives me a hard time about it and it always works out well.

This in contrast to my friend Lucien who often gets nil on her requests, but there must be a good reason for that and I don’t know what that is, of course, and I have to be careful what I say about my medications to her lest she starts comparing too much. Every time she gets turned down for something, I only hear her side of the story and although I have a lot of sympathy for her, I don’t know all the reasons behind it, of course, and I do have to be careful how I react to it. I know her husband doesn’t believe in medication to cure what ails her and that is a real shame, because it means that she does not have his support in this area, when medications are so important in fighting a chemical imbalance and can do so much good. He thinks it is all junk and the less she takes, the better. It seems to me that he needs to be educated a little bit better. It’s like saying to a diabetic that he ought not to take insulin. Or to a migraine sufferer that he should not take pain pills.

The Topamax, which is the medication I take as a mood stabilizer, was originally developed as an anti epileptic and for people who suffered from extreme migraines. It works in the temporal lobes on the sides of your head. It was discovered that this medication also worked as a mood stabilizer and I can tell you that for me it has worked beautifully. When I started taking it in February, it got me out of my depression very nicely and since I have been taking it, I have felt better than I had in many years. It is sort of a miracle drug for me. I take it along with two kinds of anti depressives and an anti psychotic medication. All these drugs together make me feel ‘normal’ most of the time. Nobody can tell that I take this much medication, as I function normally just like anybody else and I am not in the least impaired, except for some of my short term memory.

I seem to suffer from S.A.D. in other words, I get depressed in the winter time, about half of the year as a matter of fact. When the light changes toward the fall, I change too, although there were years when my depressions never really lifted and I stayed chronically depressed throughout the year. Not since I am on the Topamax however. It lifted me out of it completely. Now I notice a sort of gloominess settling over me. I am not depressed, but I feel less motivated and excited to do things and I want to hibernate. I also noticed that I was getting a bit short tempered, and I don’t want to be, as it is projecting my own feelings onto other people and that is not fair to them. I have to always keep track of my moods, so things don’t suddenly take me by surprise when they have been brewing for days and weeks already. Sometimes you don’t notice the subtle changes, but they all start to add up to something bigger and before you know it, you have a problem on your hands.

Luckily, I live with a very even tempered man, he is very predictable and basically always in the same mood, which is mostly cheerful. You always know ahead of time what Eduard will be like when he gets up in the morning and what he will be like when he comes home from work. There is no moping and moodiness. He is emotionally very healthy, while at the same time having all of his little quirks that make him so endearing to me. His reactions to my shifts in moods are always very rational and we discuss them in a very rational manner. We don’t let them turn into emotional dramas. We take them as facts of life and deal with them accordingly. We discuss how we will handle them and what the best course of action will be. Firstly we always look at what can be done with the medication, then we look at how we can arrange our lives to accommodate the mood. It means that Eduard lowers his expectations of me temporarily and gives me a little bit of space to be less functioning in. He takes over some of the things that I find harder to do and doesn’t plan any emotionally strenuous activities. Most importantly, he lets me be me, imperfect as that is.

We had to learn all of these things, of course. We did a lot of reading and thinking about it and we talked a lot about how we understood the problem to be. There were a couple of books that really helped us, the most important one being Against Depression by Peter D. Kramer. That was a very helpful and insightful book into how a depression works in your mind and what it does and doesn’t do. I think it helps to be intelligent and to be willing to learn as much as you can about the affliction. Sticking your head in the sand never helps, especially not for the people who are the fellow sufferers. Ignorance is a very dangerous thing. It perpetuates myths.

Well, sometimes I have to discuss these things for the obvious reason that I need to reach out and touch as many people as I can, because I know there are many people out there who one way or the other come in touch with depression, either because they have it themselves, or because a loved one has it or a friend of the family. I recommend reading the right books as a source of information and going to support groups, although they can be a bit off putting with everyo
ne sitting around looking very gloomy if there is not the proper person running the group. Educating yourself is the best thing you can do and being very proactive and assertive about getting the best care and the best medications. Don’t be a passive patient.

Yesterday was such a lazy day. All morning I sat behind the computer. When Eduard left in the morning, I was sitting behind the computer and when he came home at noon time, I was still sitting there. He just grinned at me for being so addicted. I got up quickly and cleaned up the kitchen and then made cigarettes, but the little machine wouldn’t work right and Eduard had to go out and get a new one at the tobacco store. Then my friend Lucien called and we had a conversation about moods and frustrating husbands and uncooperative psychiatrists and I tried to be very understanding and I feel her frustration. I would hate to be in her position and feel that my back was against the wall in what I was trying to attain.

The afternoon went by very pleasantly with Eduard and me taking turns behind the computer and me saying that maybe we need to get wireless and an extra lap top. We would never be able to get a divorce, because we would fight about the computer. It belongs to us equally, although I act very proprietary towards it. I always act like it belongs more to me than to him. Eduard has his own computer at work, but of course he doesn’t get to do all sorts of fun things on it.

After dinner, when Eduard had gone to work again, I fell asleep on the sofa and slept for two hours and when I woke up, I turned the computer on again, even though I was so sleepy and I could hardly keep my eyes open. I checked for emails and comments and there were some, but I was actually not in any shape to react to them coherently. So, I did the smart thing and took my medications and went to bed. I took Melba toast and a tall glass of cold milk with me and had a little party while I was almost falling asleep. I am reading Mythology for Dummies and it really is for dummies, which includes me when I go to bed at night and my brain has just about stopped functioning. For someone who is a voracious reader, I am certainly not reading a lot right now. The computer takes up so much of my time and when I do read during the day, I fall asleep over my book. I have to start the Unicorn by Iris Murdoch and see if it will really grab my attention like her books usually do. I can’t become an illiterate at this stage of my life.

When I am in the GP’s office, I read the women’s magazines that he has there and I think they are so bad, because they make it out as if everything in life is just all wonderful and cozy and compartmentalized into happy little blocks of life in which everybody lives happily ever after if they just decorate their table right and wear the right kind of summery clothing. They are full of feel good stories and uplifting articles and good looking families. Mostly blond and blue eyed. They very rarely discuss anything gritty or disagreeable and if they do, it is in a very saccharine way, with always a happy ending for all.

Okay, That’s enough of my rambling now. I must make some more coffee and have another cup of Senseo. There are no animals around yet, everybody is still asleep. Sometimes I hear Eduard snore and make funny noises in his sleep. He must be dreaming.

Have a wonderful day, even when you are B.A.D. or S.A.D. Ciao…

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Well, here I am sitting with my nose plugged up again. For someone who is not supposed to have any allergies any more, it sure happens on a regular basis, which makes me doubt the allergy test. Or maybe I had something to eat that I am allergic to, because yesterday my head was itching quite a bit too. Oh yes, I know, there was corn in the little containers of potato salad and I did not pick it out of it. I just ate it. I like to live dangerously!

Yesterday turned out to be a very lazy day, because Eduard was gone all day. In the morning he had a work meeting with his volunteer operators and the rest of the day he spent with his friend Lieve and they rode their motorcycles together and visited a motorcycle parts swap meet in Belgium. They have decided to be buddies and maybe I should worry about this, but I am not, because I have to trust Eduard and I trust Lieve and I think they’ll both behave like the responsible adults they are. Besides that, Lieve is such a cool woman, she wears her tough looking motorcycle gear, yet she is gracious and feminine underneath it all. She is almost single handily restoring the roof on her 17th century barn. The roof is quite steep and it is no easy job, but she just makes up her mind and does it. I like those kinds of women and I think she is good for Eduard to hang out with. She is a real tough, yet gentle broad.

They came and had dinner here in the evening and watched that movie called The world’s fastest Indian, which is about motorcycles, of course and we drank Rooibos tea, because, of course, she had to ride her motorcycle home still. We showed her our pictures of California and our early courting days and Eduard showed her his book of photographs of all the motorcycles he has owned. Our cat Nouri likes her a lot and went to sit on her lap, which she doesn’t do very quickly with strangers. So, we had a nice relaxing evening and as a result, we went to bed rather late and I was out cold in no time at all once I was under the covers. I love feeling so exhausted when I go to bed. You know, when you are bone weary and you hardly feel like getting undressed, but just want to lie down and close your eyes.

I spent the day taking a nap on the sofa, which was very nice and I needed it and I did some laundry, which I hung to dry in the bathroom, because I didn’t know what the weather was going to do. It looked like rain, but then it never did. I hung out behind the computer quite a bit, because I have so many blogs to read now and so many comments to leave behind and then to go back and see if anyone had reacted on the comments yet. Very compulsive, and I have what Neda calls, B.A.D. Blogging Addicted Disorder. For the symptoms look here. I understand there is no cure for it and it is a life long affliction. I also do a lot of blurfing, which is surfing for blogs and which is Rima’s term.

I also did my share of Paint Shopping and made some new mandalas, which I am mildly happy with and some of them I may post here today. Some turn out better than others, it just depends on your subject and the colors of it and the happy circumstances of the combination of effects, which sometimes you have control over and sometimes not. But I did say that I would also post the lesser turned out ones and so I will. A few mandalas a day keep the doctor away. That would be doctor Freud, as doctor Jung broke with him early on in the relationship and a good thing that he did too. I see that it is very important to use the lamps and the sunlight as effects while making the mandalas, as they give them depth and shadows.

I am sitting here yawning, which is kind of unusual as I am usually quite perky in the morning. Every time I yawn, I am afraid that my jaw is going to get stuck open, as this happened to me one day and I had to go to the emergency room and have it put back together again. I had dislocated my jaw yawning. Sometimes it feels like that is going to happen again and I very quickly close my mouth. There is a way to yawn properly to prevent it from slipping out, but sometimes I forget and I just yawn spontaneously. I think that a lot of people at that time thought that I had really been hit by my ex, because they couldn’t believe that someone could dislocate their jaw by yawning. Not that my ex went around hitting me!

Eduard is up now, having his breakfast and Jesker is waiting patiently for his little piece of it. Eduard is used to going to bed later and manages to be perkier this morning than I am. He is already engrossed in a novel and can read with his whole mind present and accounted for. I am sitting here having one cup of coffee after another trying to wake up properly. I wonder if I accidentally made decaf instead of regular coffee. I will have to make a new pot to make sure. And then have another cup of Senseo, extra strong dark roast, that ought to do the trick!

I have been taking the Oxazepam three times a day and I find that it helps me get through the day quite nicely without feeling the stress that I had been feeling lately. When it works, I feel so relaxed and everything is so much easier to do. I really do feel that a weight drops of my shoulders. I had only just realized that I was carrying a weight there and I am sure that it is the weight of the coming fall and winter that is laying there. The weight of finding everything just a bit harder to do. The weight of postponing things and of not being motivated and of wanting to sit and not do anything substantial. The Oxazepam makes me feel lighter and makes it easier to do things. I take one first thing in the morning and it takes about half an hour for it to start working and I really notice the difference when it does. I usually end up taking Oxazepam in the wintertime and then go off it again in the springtime when my mood lifts again. I never have any problems stopping it, I don’t seem to get addicted to it like some people do.

Eduard left to go to work, but then came back in again to get his rain gear, because it is raining outside. We still had the shades down so hadn’t noticed that it was raining. Now the dog will have to wait for his walk a bit. Luckily he has a very strong bladder and he doesn’t like to go out in the rain. If it takes too long, though, I’ll have to take him with an umbrella and he’ll just have to get wet and get that good stinky dog smell until he dries again. He does like to be rubbed with a big towel and we both enjoy doing that and getting him as dry as possible.

So, the Oxazepam is working properly now and so is the coffee. I am perky and awake now. It took awhile but I got there in the end. I had the strangest dreams last night. I dreamed about the queen and that I was visiting her and that we were good friends and I helped her arrange her tea service for some guests that she was expecting. Then suddenly I discovered that I was a lesbian and it turned out I had a girlfriend who took me to a western American town that had a saloon where gay couples hung out and drank whisky while their children played in the dusty street. Homosexuals went to a clinic on the top of a hill and learned how to have safe sex. There were doctors there who assisted in the whole process and it was very graphic. Well, I do have an imagination, don’t I? I would have liked to have stayed with
the queen a bit longer, but I dream about the queen regularly and she is always a good friend of mine. I wonder if the queen ever dreams about her loyal subjects? I am always joking that I will clean the apartment really well in case the queen comes by to drink tea with us. It sort of motivates me when I don’t feel like doing anything. She’ll have to bring her own tea cakes, because we don’t have any of those at all.

Those are two high ranking people I dream about regularly, the queen and the pope. Both symbolically important people with just the right amount of authority. I suppose I secretly would wish to stand in their shoes, as they say here. Or be their confidant and whisper radical suggestions in their ears, which they would then take very seriously and follow up on. Maybe I have Machiavellian tendencies. Or maybe I would be like Rasputin at the Russian court. I never considered forming my own political party as I have never been quite sure what I would exactly stand for, that knowledge has become more clear to me as I have become older and more European again. But I think I would love to be an influential person somewhere at the top. A person who would get consulted on important issues and who would then say,”Well, let me sleep on that one night and I will give you my decision.” This would force me to read many newspapers as I still believe in the power of the press and the independence of Dutch newspapers.

Dream on, Irene. Voting is the closest I will ever come to that dream and that is not half bad after not having been able to for twenty two years. I do take it very seriously and stay up on election night and watch the results come in. With electronic voting that is done quickly and the results are known before midnight. It is very exciting to watch your political party gain seats in the government. It is as good as watching an exciting football match. I cheer too.

The queen is an enigma. She can never speak her mind and has to keep away from anything political, when you would like so very much to hear where she stands on issues. She has to remain silent and be an impartial player. She helps form the government, but we will never know her personal preferences. I would love it if she would one day make a speech and just clearly state what is on her mind when it comes to the state of the country. She supposedly does this in the State of the Union address, but it is written for her by the prime minister, although she can refuse to say things if she disagrees. We just don’t know.

Well, before you all get bored with this post, I better end it now. I could go and ramble on for a long time yet now that I am so clearly awake. I will write more in another post when I post some of the mandalas of the blue flower I made.

Have a great day, everybody. I know my family tree very well and I absolutely have no blue blood anywhere. Ciao…

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First things first, before I forget, I have added another blog to my list of favorite blogs. Yes, there is no end to the fun I have discovering these. Actually, this one discovered me first and I have gone to visit her. Her name is Laurie and she has a blog called Three Dog Blog that you can visit here. She writes about her dogs and all sorts of things and you know I am a sucker for a good dog story, loving my own dog so much. So, I think for now that is enough new blogs to get acquainted with, unless you people run into something really interesting. I do love blogs with a good story, beside all the ones with good art I visit.

I do think, by the way, that it is that time of the year again, Outside it is starting to feel like Autumn and inside of me it is starting to feel like Autumn too. The light outside is different, even though it is only just now September. The sunlight is more oblique and hesitant and the air already is starting to feel crisp and brittle. You can tell that the trees are getting ready to change the color of their leaves soon. In the afternoon, you can still go outside without a jacket, but when I walk the dog in the morning I bundle up, because it is just a bit cold out there.

Things in nature are starting to slow down, getting ready for hibernation, and I notice that I am starting to move into the same mode. I am slowing down also and I am getting ready to hibernate a bit myself. I am like a clam wanting to close its shell. Or like a bear wanting to go into its cave, more likely. My thought is, that all over the world, people who live in temperate zones are going to have a tendency to do this. They feel winter approaching and want to hibernate inside by the warm stove, hidden from the elements and the short days inside cozy well lit rooms.

I usually mentally slow down in the winter time. If I am going to get my famous depressions, Autumn is the time when they start. There is nothing I can do about them, but bear in mind that this is true about me and kind of hunker down and wait for the worst of it to pass. I have started to use the Bright Light Energy Lamp in the morning already, because I am up so early and it is so dark in the apartment. I bathe in the white light of it while I sit here behind the computer. I really recommend it to people who get gloomy when the weather changes in the fall.

I have noticed that this past week I am not my normal cheerful self. That doesn’t mean that I am suddenly feeling all oppressed and down. It just means that some of my get-up-and-go is gone. I am not as lively as I have been. Given the choice, I would rather not do something than do it. I would rather not go for a walk or go into town or visit with my sister. I would rather just sit here and while away the hours behind the computer, which is a nice low energy activity. I would rather not clean house and not iron the clothes and not do the dishes, and remember, I said that I would know that I would be in trouble if I started to not like doing these things.

So, I have to make it a point to keep doing the things that I don’t enjoy doing so much now. Busyness therapy is the best therapy for when you want to just hang out on the sofa and stare at your navel or contemplate the walls, while you drink numerous cups of Senseo and smoke many cigarettes. It would help if there was someone here with a big stick to motivate me into action. Or someone who would give me pep talks like a coach would to his team that is behind in scoring. Instead I have to perform those functions myself and trust that I will do a good enough job at it.

Now, last year in September, I was definitely depressed. I remember how difficult it was to do something as simple as take a shower. I just was unable to do it. And how hard it was to get dressed properly. You mean I can’t wear these clothes that I have been wearing for two weeks now with these comfortable old socks with holes in them? And don’t even talk about my hair! You mean I have hair that needs to be washed and combed and cut? How will I ever manage that? The apartment was a mess and so was I. Eduard tried to manage things but all during the winter, things kept falling apart more and more, while I sat on the sofa like an inanimate object and watched life pass me by.

So, I hope I am spared that misery this winter, even though I already notice a shift in my mood. And here I was hoping to be a little hypo manic before Autumn really started. I really thought I would end the summer with a final blast. Being hypo manic is such a lovely experience, I very gladly would have put up with the extra energy it requires to get through the day. It was wonderful when it happened earlier this summer and I was such a religious fanatic and going into town three times a week to pray at the chapel. I look back at it as a wonderful time, because it was great to be in town all those times, surrounded by people and tourists and being in the chapel with all those hundreds of candles burning and other people fervently praying like I was.

I was really hoping to have an experience like that again before winter time. Which reminds me of my friend Lucien, who has been suffering from low moods lately, out of which she comes with some regularity, only to sink back into them again after some time. She had asked to be included in the light therapy program that they have at the local hospital here, but she did not get permission from her psychiatrist. Apparently there was a contraindication, because there is the danger that the light therapy will make her manic, as she also suffer from a bipolar disorder. I said to her, “God, if I knew my lamp was going to make me hypo manic, I would sit in front of it all day!” Apparently, she wanted to go out and buy her own lamp. but her husband told her that if she did, she could move out and go to live in an apartment on her own. End of discussion.

She is always a little jealous of me, because I very casually mention that I get a good doses of sleep medication, when she has to fight to get hers and now I am also taking the Oxazepam during the day and she couldn’t believe that my psychiatrist agreed on letting me have that. The thing is that we have the same psychiatrist, but for whatever cause, we do not get treated the same way and I am sure that he has his reasons for that. I usually get the medication I ask for if I need it and she doesn’t, so there must be a reason for that, although it is a well known fact that I do not abuse my medication and stop taking tranquilizers as soon as I don’t need them anymore and I don’t know the role that these medications play in Lucien’s life. Maybe she relies on them too much. I’ll have to have a discussion about that with her. We have the same bipolar disorder, so she probably assumes that we should always be taking the same medications.

Anyway, having a mood disorder is no sinecure. Sometimes I makes it hard to plan your life, especially if you have long term goals in mind. You don’t know in what frame of mind you will be three or six months from now. How much energy you will have and how much interest you will be able to take in a project. It is probably best for me to not make any drastic changes in the wintertime, but having said that, I am in the process of arr
anging that job/training thing now and I do want to be able to see that through. I have gone too far in the process to drop out of that. That would really be a shame. I’ll see it through somehow. It is imperative that I get a job,a as I need the money, not because I am bored, because I am finding that there are lots of things in my life to fill my days.

First I have my birthday coming up next week and I am still looking forward to it. Eduard says that he has gotten me a present that I am really not expecting and I am totally clueless. He said it is nearly the size of a breadbox. That’s the only clue he would give me after I asked him about that. My sister has ordered me an article of clothing and it should arrive any day now, She keeps asking me if it has arrived yet, but I have to tell her no, it hasn’t. We just hope it gets here before my birthday. Erica is always generous with her birthday presents for me, usually I get some very nice perfume from her, but I think this year I am not getting any perfume and I will have to make do with the almost empty bottles that I have left. I use them sparingly, making them last as long as I can.

Since today is Saturday, Eduard doesn’t have to work all day long, nor does he have to work this evening, which is a real treat. It is always nice to have him home and it does motivate me to get things done around here. It seems that his presence goads me into action. It must mean that I want to show him that I am a good housewife after all and not to despair. I will do the ironing today, that is a promise I making publicly now, so I won’t be able to get out of it, or did I claim that earlier this week too? I know I am all caught up on the laundry and that is a good sign still.

No matter what happens, I will walk the dog, although I have been known to try to get out of his 5 pm walk. I bat my eyelashes at Eduard and ask him please to do it for me instead and sometimes that works. Eduard is such a good guy. The dog doesn’t mind who takes him, as long as he gets to roam around on the field a bit. When the boys aren’t playing football there, we can set him loose and he can have a wander about. He walks along the fence and pees on all the weeds there and marks his territory, because he thinks it is his field.

Well, it is time to make a cup of very good Senseo and read some other people’s blogs, before I have to feed the cats and walk the dog. I do have quite a selection of blogs to read now in the morning, I don’t have all of them listed on my blog roll yet. Some of them I am still trying to make up my mind about.

Have a wonderful day, people. Hope the weather is wonderful and the day treats you right. Ciao…

P.S. Okay you guys, I am adding one more blog. It is called The American Lady and you can find her here.

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After having gone to bed at the very late hour of ten o’clock last night, I woke up this morning at 5:30, which was agreeable because I needed to catch up on some sleep. You are all thinking, “What is she talking about, 5:30 am isn’t late!” But when you know me better, you know that for me that is late in the morning. As a result, I am running behind on my schedule and now I have already fed the cats and walked the dog. I was sitting here earlier, reading blogs, when I realized that I had forgotten to make cigarettes last night, so I had to stop everything and do that first of all. I can’t sit here reading blogs, drinking Senseo, without having something to smoke. God forbid!

Before you do anything else this morning, go to Neda at Papiers Collés and look at her handsome collage. I think the one today is especially attractive. I keep going back to look at it. Her work is so delicate and tender and yet so strong and present. These are handmade collages, they are not digitally made and they are available at Maraya Galleries here. Just a plug for someone whom I think is a great artist and who deserves the recognition.

I am still plowing my way through the ‘how to do Paint Shop Pro 8’ book. Sometimes I don’t understand something and I have to ask Eduard for help. He usually figures it out for me. I can’t believe how thick headed I can be sometimes. I’ll be reading the instructions, and looking at the screen, and have no idea what they are talking about. Eduard tries a few things and presto! He’s got it the way they meant it to be. Then he can explain it to me in easy terms so that I promptly forget it and have to look it up again. I think owning the book is no added luxury. I’ll have to buy one if I am to also download Paint Shop permanently.

I am learning all these things to do and questioning how and why I am going to apply them all. Some of them are obvious, some of them I don’t see myself doing yet. I am sure it is all part of a big master plan that I don’t comprehend yet. I suppose it will all dawn on me one day, when I am actually brave enough to sit down and try to design something from scratch. I see that I need to put in lots of practice hours and that whatever I have done so far is nothing compared with what can be done. I am not looking for approval, I am just being very realistic here.

This morning I weighed 92.4 kilos and I seem to remember weighing this before some time ago. So from this point forward I only want to be losing weight. Yesterday I ate raisin crackers and cheese and Melba toast. I ate the Melba toast when I went to bed and fell asleep while eating it. Then I woke up and chewed it some more, thinking, “Mmmhhh, this tastes very good,” and promptly fell asleep again. I probably have crumbs in the bed now.

The Hero With A Thousand Faces is turning out to be a not so impelling book. It is good to fall asleep with, but I don’t hold with some of his theories. I think they are grasped from too high a place, as they say here in the Netherlands. The book was written 60 years ago and he relies a lot on the psychology of that day and age to explain the primal myths and I wonder about the wisdom of that. He relies very much on romantic Freudian and Jungian interpretations and I think there is a lot of idylic philosophic thought in it that doesn’t seem so much to rely on what I would call common sense. He does get carried away a little.

I think the most obvious interpretation is probably the correct one and I don’t think it is always necessary to look so hard for all the other reasons why ideas and stories were created and why they evolved the way they did. But then again, I see things very black and white, I am a literal interpreter and I don’t care much for poetic interpretation and philosophic deliberation. I try to see things as they are and don’t go in for long discussions about how they could also be had I been given another set of circumstances or conditions or information that could not have been available to me at the time of the creation of the myth.

Anyway, don’t let me get bogged down in a long argument about that, lest I should turn it into a philosophic discussion after all. I am not schooled in it, even though I did try to read Plato once, but unsuccessfully. I should probably read ‘Philosophy for Dummies’ first. I did read ‘Religion for Dummies’ after I read the new Dutch translation of the Bible, but I find all the patriarchs hard to keep apart and who begot who. I tried to read the Koran, thinking it was going to be a story like the Bible, but it wasn’t and I gave up on it. I understand that I need to read Karen Armstrong, an ex nun who writes about Christianity, Judaism and the Islam, who is very well known the world over as an authority on the modern religions. I know they have her books in the library as she is on one of my lists of books to read.

Some day I also want to read all the novels of Iris Murdoch. They have a lot of them in the library warehouse. I just have to make it a point to do that one day, most likely in the winter time when the days are brief and I can get a lot of reading in. But then again, there is so much reading I have left to do, because I am so curious about so many things and I always have too little time. If I had the money, I would constantly be ordering books at Bol.com. I would decorate the whole apartment with bookcases and I would never get done reading. But then I think about all the good films on the film channels and I do want to see them too, so you can see how there is too little time for everything.

Eduard is sleeping late this morning. He probably worked late last night and most likely didn’t get home until after midnight. I never hear him come home and the dog doesn’t bark, of course, when he gets home. I do like Eduard’s schedule of him being home in the afternoon. It seems that we can spend some quality time together then, although lately I have been captivated by other things and I have not been paying him the proper amount of attention and I have to make it a point to do that. I know that Eduard and I never tire of each other’s company. I am always happy to see him and I am always glad when he comes home.

Eduard and I have a good marriage. I can easily say that because I feel comfortably married. There isn’t any drama and I like that very much. I used to be in relationships with drama in them and drama is so exhausting and so unnecessary. It is something you accept if you have not had the correct illustration from your parents, but when you grow up properly and start to fit into your skin and your mind starts feeling contented, you realize that there are a whole lot of things you can do without and drama is one of them.

Eduard is a very calm and gentle down to earth person. He never looks for a fight and absolutely hates an argument and will be the first one to make up if we have a disagreement. I don’t like being angry at him and if I ever am, I get over it very quickly and immediately love him as much as I did before. There is no festering resentment. My love doesn’t become smaller. As a matter of fact, the longer I am married to him, the more I love him. Sometimes I am still in love with him now. Then I think he is an exciting man and I love to be with him. But more than anything, he is my best friend and I trust him with my very heart and soul. I was very honored when he asked me to marry him, because he had never asked anyone to marry him before, so I felt very privileged. I knew it was a big step for him and I never knew that being married could be such an excellent thing. I highly recommend it to anyone now.

I hadn’t seen many joyous marriages when I was a
kid. It seemed that most people were just unhappy being together and that they all resented each other’s company and the space each other took up. There were always disagreements and deadly silences. There seemed to be no cheer and spontaneity. Nobody impulsively kissed and embraced each other. There was always this undercurrent of animosity and annoyance. My grandparents acted as if they never heard of the term physical affection. My father sometimes needed a hug and a kiss and infrequently received them. My aunts and uncles were brittle and unyielding with each other. Physical closeness was frowned upon and scorned. Even now I forget to be physically affectionate. Eduard has to remind me to be so. I can be as brittle and unyielding as the rest of my family. So Dutch reformed and puritanical in my body language. While I really have no hang ups about the human body and its functions at all.

Well, the things you pick up when you are a child. I didn’t come from an unrestrained, emotionally happy family. We weren’t a large happy gathering of people. I mean we and all of our relatives. When we all got together, there was a lot of irritation and friction. Not for us the noise and the laughter that other families had when they got together. Circumstances and conditions like that really leave their mark on you as a child. Eduard came from a much more happy, noisy and relaxed family. They were not afraid to be a little boisterous. As a result, Eduard is much more extraverted then I am and a much more sociable person. He knows how to have a excellent time at a party and how to interact in a large group of people. I am more aloof and singular. I observe and ponder the meaning of it all.

Well, now Eduard is up and about and I am going to stop pondering and pounding on the keyboard. I am sure that he wants a nice cup of coffee also, so I will make him one. The dog is looking at him longingly as he makes his breakfast. The cats are darting around his feet.

Have a wonderful day, people. Ciao…

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